Enjoy Our Quality Comedy Podcast "The Devil Is A Sissy" at www.thedevilisasissy.com
Joel Stein is quitting his Humor Column for Time.
"There are times when Society needs a Punk who doesn't care. There are far fewer times when Society needs a 46 Year Old Punk who doesn't care."
Why don't you just stop being a goddam Punk?
CNN had a Special called "Late Night In The Age Of Trump". If this was still "Late Night In The Age Of Carson" nobody would give a damn about "Late Night In The Age Of Trump. Forget who is Hosting "The Tonight Show" these days, do you think Donald Trump would be President if Johnny Carson was still around? Johnny Carson was so much better than anybody we've got Today he would be President Of The United States and every Night he would do a TV Show Live from the Oval Office that woud on ABC, CBS, and NBC. We wouldnt need Cable TV if we had Johnny Carson. The Internet? Who are you, Dick Cavett?
The Pervy Adventures Of Charlie Rose The Time Traveling Sexual Predator
Those Pictures of Malia Obama kissing a guy at a Party may look innocent (Unil you put them on the Internet for some creepy reason) but - LOOK OUT! - that's no Clean Cut School Boy! That's Charlie Rose The Time Traveling Sexual Predator! "I may be in disgrace in 2017 but back in the Sixties when I was still a Youngster I comb my hair, brush my teeth, and climb into the Time Traveling Machine Dad bought me for winning the Country Club Tennis Tournement and travel here to 2017 to make out with the Young Girls I see in the magazines Today! I may be a creep but I'M A TIME TRAVELING CREEP! You think Charlie Rose is a Loser but last Week End Teenage Charlie Rose made out of Chloe Grace Moritz and sent me Video of the whole thing on our Smart Phones!" "I must have access to that Technology!" demands Woody Allen "I'll pay ANYTHING!!!" "It's not the Technology, Woody! Look at that kid Malia Obama is making out with in that picture! You never looked like that!" "Damn you, Charlie Rose! GODDAM YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!"
Harvard is in trouble for something involving Asian people. So here's a Picture of Brenda Song in that Movie about the Harvard jerks that invented Facebook. Wait a minute, that's a Picture of Brenda Song in "The Suite Life On Deck". WHAT A GREAT SHOW! Do we have Time to look at Bai Ling's Shower Scene in "The Crow"? No? I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG OUT WITH YOU GUYS!!
CCN - The Chris Cuomo Network*
(Chris rides into the Studio on Roller Blades, crashes into Dana Bash's huge face)
"Sorry! Am I going to be on 'The A Team' today? I want to be on 'The A Team' today! I brought my Mister T Lunch Box!"
(Wolf Blitzer hands Chris a Milkshake full of Moron Mind Control Drugs)
"Drink this . . . "
Chris Cuomo - Presented by the same Software that created the Talking Monkeys in the "Planet Of The Apes" Movies
Today's Guest - Chuck Schumer - Presented by the same Software that created Woody Harrellson in that Movie where he played LBJ
*They told Chris that is the name of the Network. Chris said that was "HARD CORE!!!"
Donald Trump drank Water out of a Plastic Bottle and the Whole World went berserk. Trump is now threatening to drink Pickle Juice out of a Sponge Bob Square Pants Coffee Mug and Destroy Civilization "I'll do it! By God, I'll do it! Get the Pickles in here and start squeezing em! I'll do it! I've got a Sponge Bob Square Pants Coffee Mug and I'm gonna use it!" Rumor has it that Trump is watching old Episodes of "Make Room For Daddy" to study Danny Thomas' Legendary Comedy Spit Take Technique "Do they have 'Make Room For Daddy' videos in North Korea? I'll start calling Rocket Man 'Spit Take Man'! I'll do it! Wait a minute! Is this Sweet Pickle Juice? I want Kosher Dill Pickle Juice! Sweet Pickle Juice is for North Koreans! Sweet Pickle Juice Slushy is nice, though."
Yes, it is wrong, but Roy Moore will triumph because he is wearing The Hat Of Truth And Power. No Man who wears The Hat Of Truth And Power can be defeated. And Women, too! If Hillary Clinton had worn The Hat Of Truth And Power she would have won the 2016 Election and Roy Moore would be in a dungeon somewhere. That is why Hillary Clinton was running for President - To put Roy Moore in a dungeon somewhere. But she could not tell us about Roy Moore because we would have been too frightened. How does Lobsters1 know all this and you do not? Because Lobsters1 is wearing The Hat Of Truth And Power and you are wearing a Baseball Cap with the logo of some team on it. The Hat Of Truth And Power has no need for any logo!
The Hat Of Truth And Power - $299.99 from Lobsters1 Industries
We regret selling one to Roy Moore
Tiffany Haddish Hosted "Saturday Night Live" and it was actually FUNNY! AFTER MORE THAN FOUR DECADES LORNE MICHAELS HAS FINALLY FOUND A FUNNY BLACK WOMAN!!! Unfortunately for Michaels Haddish is already a Star so he has to treat her like she is MARTIN SHORT or something. UP IS DOWN, DOWN IS UP! IN IS OUT, OUT IS IN! "Why didn't somebody tell me about her when she was just some nobody Stand Up Comic? Then if she had an idea one of those people walking around out there would just get rid of her. But now she's talking about ideas RIGHT HERE IN MY OFFICE AND I HAVE TO LISTEN TO HER! Why am I paying people to walk around out there getting rid of people when SHE IS RIGHT HERE IN MY OFFICE!?! Now I've got to pay people to walk around in my Office getting rid of people? Why didn't I just take that Job Writing for Carol Burnett? I'd be listening to Carly Simon Records in a Retirement Home in Florida right now!" "Hee Hee! That Old Man is talking about Carly Simon Records!" "GET HER OUT OF HERE!!!"
THE FINAL WORDS OF JERRY LEWIS
"I could have passed away Years ago but I was forced to Hold On because no one had come along that could bring as much Suffering and Pain into the World through Comedy as I have with My crazy (Indecipherable Yiddish Words) Comedy. But at last I am Free to Move On to Up There with Dean and Sammy because of a Comedy Podcast called "The Devil Is A Sissy"! Boy, is that some strange (More verbal utterances, maybe Yiddish) shit! And so, before I go, I must expend my Final Breath to tell you to go to www.thedevilisasissy.com and you will find yourself . . . Oh! One more thing - Guns N' Roses were better than Nirvana! It's so obvious! What is WRONG with you? Okay, I'm dead awready."
Documents reveal that when Elvis Presley visited Richard Nixon in The White House The President asked The King who the Government should invest Millions of Dollars into making The Biggest Band Of The Seventies - The New York Dolls or The Eagles? "I can't make up my mind!" Elvis was totally unconcerned and suggested Writing "The New York Dolls" onto one piece of paper, "The Eagles" onto another piece of paper, putting the pieces of paper into a hat, and - "I can see where you are going with that, Elvis." "THAT'S why you're The PRESIDENT!" Elvis laughed, jumping onto an imaginary Dinosaur, and charging out of the Oval Office without giving anything involving pieces of paper and hats any thought at all. And Nixon . . . We all know what happened.
NEXT WEEK - Sammy Hagar visits Bill Clinton "The one who brought us the donuts? Aw, HELL YEAH!!!!"
The Governor of of Arizona threw a baked chicken at a fat guy. Not really, but if we can trick the Press into Reporting that we can make Jokes about it and have a Good Time around here for once. Would Samantha Bee's Show be any better with Jokes about the Governor of Arizona throwing a baked chicken at a fat guy? Nah, she'll tell jokes from the baked chicken's point of view and screw it all up. Hey, did you hear about Charles Manson playing Charades with the Nurses in the Hospital? Just throwing that out there for Jimmy Fallon. Cause he plays Games with his Guests on "The Tonight Show". Oh, Fallon's Mom just died and I shouldn't be talking about Hospitals? Did Samantha Bee's Mom just die? No, not suggesting Samantha Bee does Jokes about Manson in the Hospital. Jimmy Fallon should do Jokes about Samantha Bee's Mom in the Hospital. Jokes about Samantha Bee's Mom DYING. It would be funny cause It Didn't Happen. When there is a Lobsters1 TV Show it will Be About Things That Never Happened! "Because there will never be a Lobsters1 TV Show!!" I was about to say that, Samantha Bee. Thank You for ruining the Joke. "HA HA! YOU SUCK, LOBSTERS1!"
Jeff Sessions - The Old Man who will spend The Rest Of His Life explaining the difference between "Meeting With Russians" and "Talking About Meeting With Russians" "I wish I could talk about Meeting Al Franken instead of actually Meeting the Goddam Rat. But why talk about him at all? You know who I would have really liked to meet? TOM DAVIS! That guy was HILARIOUS! How could he stand being in a Comedy Team with a Gopher Face like Al Franken? Did you know that Tom Davis created Toonces The Driving Cat, The Cat That Could Drive A Car? He was Dippy The Hippy on the Conan Show! I'd LOVE to meet Tom Davis! But he's Dead. At least that is better than being in a Comedy Team with Al Franken."
The "Big Bang Theory" Spin Off "Young Sheldon" is so popular there will soon be another series called "Old Sheldon" Starring Jerry Van Dyke. That will be a Good Show! Anybody who says there ought to be a Show called "Young Penny" will have their Computer confiscated by the FBI. Oh, wait a minute - That wasn't true about "Old Sheldon". Jerry Van Dyke was just running around in the Nursing Home Parking Lot in his Pajamas yelling that at people. Now they've got him back inside and he is wondering who took his Computer away.
Who will Die first - Cheech or Chong? The Smart Money is on Cheech because he got Fat and Chong still Works Out a lot. But Chong will probably Die first because Lobsters1 likes him and nothing ever goes right for Lobsters1. Lobsters1 will probably Die before Cheech or Chong will. Somebody check on Lobsters1! Who cares about him - Somebody check on MARTIN MULL! Have you seen him lately?
The original Plan for the Trump Presidency was for David Spade to follow him around and make sardonic remarks like he did when following Chris Farley around in beloved Comedy Movies like "Black Sheep" and "Tommy Boy" "It was a sweet gig!" says Spade "But when we first got together to do a little Improv all Trump came up with was 'Wait a minute! You're not the Making Copies Guy! Where is the Making Copies Guy?' And then he'd pour a can of Diet Coke over my head. So I went back to LA to . . . Do you know Jud Apatow's phone number?" Spade was almost replaced by Norm McDonald but then Trump found out McDonald was the guy who humiliated Courtney Thorne Smith for being in that Carrot Top Movie and poured a Twenty Ounce Bottle of Diet Coke over his head.
There's a new Stevie Biography detailing alleged abuse the Dumb Girl suffered at the hands of her Dumb Boyfriend Lindsey Buckingham. Luckily for Buckingham the average Stevie Nicks Fan is so dumb they can't order the Book on Amazon without getting mixed up, booking a trip to the Amazon and getting eaten by Cannibals. That's what Lindsey Buckingham is up to these days - He is King of the Amazon Cannibals. Every Night after eating all of the Stevie Nicks morons he takes an Electric Guitar, plays the Solo on "Go Your Own Way", and they fall to their knees in adoration. He can put that one over on them cause Jimi Hendrix is Dead and every Time Ted Nugent goes down there he is too busy swinging on vines and killing everything that moves to acknowledge the Savage Dopes they've got down there. Those Squares have never even listened to the Deep Purple Albums with Dave Coverdale and Tommy Bolan! Niether has Stevie Nicks "Deep Purple? That's my favorite Prince Song!" Stevie Nicks looks back on her career and thinks she was the Hot Sister in Heart. DUMB!
Rand Paul was attacked by his Neighbor while Working in his Yard. If Rand Paul's Yard is as tangled up as his Hair his Neighbor has been wanting to kick his ass for years. Imagine the Vegetation equivelant of the mess on top of Rand Paul's head growing next to your House. You see Rand Paul on TV and imagine spiders and rodents crawling out of his hair, if you saw his Yard you would see the Dinosaurs from "King Kong" tearing out of there to eat your Wife and Kids. And that's the Dinosaus from THE ORIGINAL "King Kong", forget the stupid Dinosaurs in the lame "King Kong" Movies they're pushing on us these days. The spiders and rodents in Rand Paul's hair look at those Dinosaurs and just laugh. You can't hear them when Rand Paul is on TV but when you are actually with him . . . That might be another reason why somebody might want to attack him. And if you had to Live next door to the Dinosaur growls and the Tribal Drum beating coming out of his Jungle Kingdom . . . That's another thing you can hear when you are actually with Rand Paul - Spiders and rodents in his hair banging on tiny little Tribal Drums. My God, imagine his Teeth! IMAGINE HIS TEETH!!!
Trump went to Asia to observe the Time Honored Presidential Tradition of putting on a Stupid Asian Shirt and walking around in front of everybody looking awkward and uncomfortable "If I had known about this shirt I never would have run for President!" he told me on the phone while in front of a Stupid Asian Mirror in that Stupid Asian Shirt "I feel like Jerry in that Episode when he went on 'The Today Show' in that stupid shirt that girl he was . . . " "Wait a minute! You're calling me on the phone from Stupid Asia to talk about some 'Seinfeld' Episode?" "Well, about an hour ago something happened that kinda reminded me of when Stiffler was in 'Goon' and . . . " "Stiffler is only called Stiffler when he is in 'American Pie' Movies! When he is in 'Goon' Movies he has a different name!" "Wasn't he Stiffler in 'Role Models'?" "Goddammit, Donald Trump! Go out there and look awkward and uncomfortable in your Stupid Asian Shirt!" "Okay. Bye!"
CLASSIC LIT THAT AIN'T WORTH A SHIT
"Day Of The Locust" sucks and encouraging the Young Bookworms Of Our Nation to read it is A Leading Cause of Adolescent Hooliganism in America today. Next Time you witness Juvenile Delinquency on The Streets Of Our Once Decent Civilization patiently enquire if the Young Offender has tried reading "Day Of The Locust" and they will fall weeping into your arms. Just let them fall. Do not catch them. You will get in Trouble. Who Wrote this mess? Mickey Spillane*? Are YOU unfortunate enough to have read this garbage? Here is a "Day Of The Locust" Reference Joke so you will at least get a laugh out of the ordeal - "Hey, maybe the Mexican was one hell of a Nice Guy!" Don't get it? GOOD FOR YOU! Now, GO! WHILE YOU CAN!!!
*When in doubt, blame Mickey Spillane.
Remember when Pat Benatar told us "Stop Using Sex As A Weapon"? We heard that Song back in the Eighties and we just laughed "Ha Ha Ha, Pat Benatar! Ha Ha Ha!" But now it looks like she was Ahead Of Her Time! And I heard "Heartbreaker" on the Radio the other day "Hey, Bill Cosby! You're a Heartbeaker! Dream Maker! Love Taker! Doncha mess around with me!" You tell em, Pat! Love Is A Battlefield! "Hey, Kevin Spacey! Come on with your come on! You don't fair! But that's Okay, see if I care!" WHOA! "Hit me with your best shot, Louis CK! Come on and hit me with your best shot! FIRE AWAY!" Uh, this is getting kind of . . . "You bring me down, down, down to my knees! Now would ya, Barracuda?" That's not Pat Benatar? Who is it? Heart? UGH! How about "I Hate Myself For Loving You"? Who did that? Joan Jett? Eh, this ain't the right crowd for KIM FOWLEY Jokes. That's it! Good Night!
The very first Transgender Candidate ever Elected . . . We don't have to put a picture of that Person on the Blog, do we? That would totally take all the Fun out of doing a Comedy Bit about all that. Maybe we ought to do a Comedy Bit about Nastassja Kinski back in the early Eighties? Yeah, to Hell with all this 2017 bullshit.
Is Louis CK guilty of the Sexual Offenses of which He has been accused? Who knows? But One Thing is undeniable - This Man was making Big Money doing Stand Up while I was telling Jokes in smelly Folk Clubs for Free Beer so He is obviously WORSE THAN HITLER!!! He ought to be Sent To The Chair after Fifty Years On A Chain Gang with Roman Polanski, Woody Allen, and Bil Cosby HA HA HA HO HO HO LOUIS CK HA HA HA HO HO HO YOU STINK!!! Whew! That felt GOOD! I invited the Members of a Two Girl Comedy Team up to my Hotel Room, took off my Clothes, blocked the door, and forced them to watch me go "HA HA HA HO HO HO LOUIS CK HA HA HA HO HO HO YOU STINK!!!" Whew! That felt GOOD!
MORE EXCITING CHEAP TRICK NEWS!!!
After more than Forty Years Cheap Trick has finally caught on that everybody thinks their "Big Eyes" Song is "Big Guys"! "Oh, man! All these years we've been Singing 'Big Eyes, I keep falling for those Big Eyes!' and everybody thought we were Singing 'Big Guys, I keep falling for those Big Guys!' How embarassing! No wonder we never got to be as big as Van Halen! Shit!" EVEN WORSE - The Replacements have just found out we thought all their Songs were about R.E.M. getting all the Good Looking Girls and having to settle on the Fat Chicks. OH, MAN!
Uh . . . Still haven't seen "Dunkirk". It's a World War Two Movie that people who like Marvel Comic Book Movies really like. Does that Harry guy from One Direction have Super Powers in "Dunkirk"? I don't think anybody at Dunkirk had Super Powers. If anybody fighting the Germans in France had Super Powers they wouldn't have wound up on their ass in Dunkirk. And notice he is still "Harry From One Direction" and not "Harry From 'Dunkirk'". Not a Good Sign! And he has a Video where he can FLY! Is there going to be another "Battle Of Britain" Movie? I'll wait for that. Yeah.
CRAZY TIME WITH GLENN BECK!!!
The Texas Shooting Killer once escaped from a Psychiatric Hospital! "Oh, THAT'S where I saw him before!" says Glenn Beck . . . They found a Bug stuck in the Paint of a 128 Year Old Vincent Van Gogh Painting called "The Olive Garden" "I once found a Bug in my Lasagna at The Olive Garden!" Says Glenn Beck . . . The Woman who flipped off Donald Trump got Fired from her Job "Yeah, that's why I laid off all those People at my Company. They all flipped off Donald Trump. I saw it all in a Dream! Only it was Dogs flipping off the Garfield Balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Hey, I think eating that Stapler for Lunch was a mistake."
Bob Mueller is The Only Man around that can watch "Law And Order" without making jokes about what a fruit Sam Waterson is.Members of Mueller's staff always try to go Home early to avoid his "Law And Order" Chinese Take Out Office Dinners where everybody has to watch him eat out of cardboard cartons with chopsticks "You never saw Sam Waterson with little pieces of rice stuck in the corners of his mouth!" Another Major Influence on that suave Mueller style - Fred Gwyne in "Pet Semetary" "Every where he goes people yell 'Hey, Nice Old Guy That Lives Across The Road! That Littele Kid In The Top Hat is gonna SLICE YOUR WRINKLY OLD THROAT with a Scalpel!' He takes it as a compliment." But Fred Gwyne in "The Munsters"? NO! He is disturbed by the "If Herman is a Frankenstein Monster and Lilly is a Vampire why is their Son a Werewolf?" thing. "You never saw Sam Waterson yell 'HERMAN MUNSTER IS A CUCKOLD!!' with little pieces of rice stuck in his mouth!" How about the Cemetary Zombie in "Night Of The Living Dead"? Yeah, sure. Why not?
"Private Parts" was a Big Hit, why didn't Howard Stern make another Movie? "Private Parts" was all about his Marriage, why not a Second Movie about his Divorce? It could be called "Guess My Wife Wouldn't Let Me Get Away With That Crap After All". That Title is too long but, don't worry, Stern's Wife will get Fifty Percent of it. And then he can make a Third Movie about getting Married to a Hot Model half his age. That's not interesting. Have him hire a Fat Heroin Addict for his Radio Show to jazz things up. Maybe he should make a Movie about getting Married to a Fat Heroin Addict? I fogot who we're talking about. The Dice Man? OK.
George Clooney has been hit with the sudden realization that no one likes him. Don't worry, George, there's one thing you can still do once you're a Total Failure - Start a Comedy Blog! Coming Soon - The Cloney1 Blog! "I just sit in my Castle in Italy that I can't afford with my Wife that looks like Jamie Farr and Write Comedy Bits about committing Suicide." WHAT!?! All that Blah Blah Blah about Castles in Italy, your Klinger Wife, and Writing Comedy Bits before ou get to THE GOOD STUFF about Committing Suicide? CUT TO THE CHASE, GEORGE CLOONEY!!! CUT TO THE CHASE!!!
All the guys at CNN can't wait to see the Video of the Texas Church Service that was shot up by that Psycho Killer. But they still have plenty of Time to watch one or two of the other Services that were recorded BEFORE the Shooting, right? "Uh . . . No, that never occured to me. How many Push Ups can you do? I CAN DO MORE PUSH UPS THAN YOU CAN!!!" - Chris Cuomo "You mean in an Ironic 'Plan Nine From Outer Space' or 'The Room' kind of way? That could be funny!" - Anderson Cooper " "Why? So all my flesh will turn to dust and blow away in the wind like when a Vampire is exposed to Sunlight?" - Jake Tapper
Keith Olberman has been on MSNBC's "Morning Joe" pretending to be Joe Scarborough every morning for the past Month but not enough people have been watching the Show to notice the difference "It's easy!" says Olberman "All I have to do is carry a guitar around and as long as I don't actually play it I can do whatever I want!" "Joe? Keith? Which one have I been pretending to be engaged to? asked that Minka Woman "Whatever. Long as I've got a TV job!" But where is Joe Scarborough? Who cares? "Wait a minute!" says "Morning Joe"s only Viewer "I haven't been watching 'Fox And Friends' all this time? Crap! No wonder I Voted for Hillary Clinton!"
Psychiatrists found Bowe Bergdahl to be so dumb he should have been sentenced to Host an AM Radio Conservative Talk Show in Florida "Good Morning, Jacksonville! And now here's the Host of the WQIK AM Morning Show, Bowe . . . Where the hell is he? Bowe? Bowe? Are you out in the Lobby? BOWE!!! Somebody look out in the Parking Lot! That Dumb Ass is wandering around in the Parking Lot again! BOWE!!!"
Are they still doing that "Hamilton" bullshit in New York? Yeah! They're doing it Tonight in that Theater right there! Hey! Are you going to see "Hamilton" tonight? "Uh . . . Yeah." Why? "Because I really wanted to see it a few months ago but I had to wait until Tonight." And do you still really want to see it? "Kinda." Is what you really want to do right now something you will have to wait a few months to finally do?" "Uh . . . Yeah." You're an IDIOT!
No one is going to the Movies any more because of all the scenes of College Students playing Beer Pong "Why is that supposed to be exciting? They're throwing Ping Pong Balls at plastic cups full of Beer. Why is that in the Movie?" "Every time I ever saw College Kids throwing Ping Pong Balls at plastic cups full of Beer in a Movie I woke up an hour later and the stupid Movie was over! What happened? You know what? I don't care!" "I remember when every Movie had Cops and Army Guys and Cowboys running around shooting guns. Now all the Movies are College Punks playing Beer Bong. Or Beer Kong? Beer Wong? Screw it!" "How about throwing BASKETBALLS into BUCKETS of beer? That might be more interesting. Yeah! Make Movies with BASKETBALLS getting thrown at BUCKETS of beer!" "Okay." said Stephen Spielberg.
Whatever happened to that Kid in "Gummo"? WAIT! Don't tell me he got killed in Iraq or he's a Homeless Crackhead or he's making a Good Living doing a Comedy Blog while I'm Working in the Drive Thru Window at Dippitty Doo Donuts! Just tell me he's still a Goofy Kid riding a Bike around Town hunting Stray Cats for a Living. Hey, maybe I oughta be riding a Bike around Town hunting Stray Cats for a Living? WHAT A GREAT KID!!!
Even people who like Katy Perry are shocked by how unfunny her "Swish Swish" Comedy Video is. It's not hard to understand why "Swish Swish" is so unamusing. For one thing, it was Directed by Jamie Farr who played Klinger on "M*A*S*H". "She says she gave me the gig cause her Dad likes me on 'M*A*S*H' and she's trying to make up with him for calling God 'An Old Man In The Sky'" says the bewildered Farr. Another reason "Swish Swish" stinks - All of the Gags are by the same moron who does that awful The Lobsters1 Blog! "How about 'Swish Swish' stinks stinks!? Huh? I just made that up!" "Why didn't you think of that while we were shooting the damn Video?" "Drop Dead, Klinger!"
Laura Ingraham has a new Prime Time Show on Fox News so every Conservative in America can sit around wondering why such a Nice Woman is on Live Television instead of at Home cleaning up after serving Dinner to her Husband and Children "I'm going to do interviews while scraping off the dishes and loading the Dishwasher." explains Ingraham "Now that Tim Allen isn't doing a Sit Com for the LA Leftists any more we are going to have him pretend to be my Husband and come into the kitchen every now and then to get cookies and give me an affectionate pat on the bottom!" "Uh . . Excuse me, Laura . . . " said Newt Gingrich one night while Guesting on the Show "But wasn't that the guy from 'King Of Queens' who just came in here and touched your ass while I was talking about North Korea?" "Don't say 'ass' on my Show, Newt."
Billionaire Tom Steyer's TV Spot calling for Congress to Impeach Donald Trump hasn't gone anywhere so now Steyer has a new Spot calling for Hollywood to make a Movie where that Black Woman on "Z Nation" is naked for two hours "Have you seen that Black Woman? MY GOD! Can you imagine a Movie where she is NAKED for two hours?! It wouldn't need a Story or anything, just that Black Woman from 'Z Nation' walking around NAKED for a couple of hours! Maybe she could sit on a sofa, lay down for a little bit - THAT WOULD BE SO HOT!!! Let's all get together and get Hollywood to make a Movie where that Black Woman on 'Z Nation' is NAKED for two hours! Is it 'Z Nation' or 'Nation Z'? I DON'T CARE!!! They've got to make a Movie where that Black Woman is NAKED!!! I'M RICHER THAN GOD AND IF I CAN'T GET DONALD TRUMP IMPEACHED I WANT A MOVIE WHERE THAT BLACK WOMAN IS NAKED FOR TWO HOURS!!!!" She was the Wife on "The Bernie Mac Show" "'The Burning Man Show'? Was she naked in that?"
Arizona Republican Jeff Flake is leaving the Senate after being diagnosed with a chronic case of Massachusetts Democrat Face "People expect me to sound like a Massachusetts Democrat and are filled with dismay and confusion when I sound like an Arizona Republican." says Flake "I'm like a cat that goes around barking at people. People are always trying to throw a net over me. George Clooney got all chummy with me at a party and when I disagreed with him about Tax Reform I woke up in a metal cage in the back of a truck. I can't have a drink without everybody yelling 'Look out! The Massachusetts Democrat Senator is drinking! He's going to get wasted and kill some poor woman and we'll have to let him get away with it!! Let's get out of here!" Another problem with Jeff Flake - He is full of shit.
All of the Actors on "The Walking Dead" are English except for the guys who play Daryl and Negan. Daryl and Negan spend their Off Time prancing around the set talking in loud fruity English accents and making jokes about drinking tea. The English guy that plays Rick can't stand it! That's why Rick always has a bug up his ass on the Show. The guy who used to play Abraham was American and he enjoyed calling the twit who plays Rick "Ringo". "Hey, Ringo! Let's drink some TEA!" Rick was happier when he found out Abraham was going to get killed than when he found out he was going to start having sex with the Black Chick with the Samurai Sword. And all of the Zombies are from Belgium. Yeah, Belgians just walk like that.
EVERYTHING happens to Marilyn Manson! He got all smashed up in the middle of a Show! His Bass Player gets accused of rape! His Guitar Player dies of Cancer! He went to the Movies and picked that "Geostorm" thing! What's he doing right now? Oh, shit! He's on the side of the road fixing a FLAT TIRE! People are driving past pointing and laughing at him! He put the Spare on and IT'S FLAT, TOO! There's a little black cloud above his head but it's Sunshine for everybody else! Was he Charlie Brown when he was a little kid? Wait a minute - Didn't he dumped by Rose McGowan a few years ago? Don't get on the same plane as that guy! Oh, no! He can't find his car keys! Are they in the ignition? Are they in his pockets? He keeps checking his pockets but the keys aren't in there! The people driving past are aughing their asses off! HE GOT HIT BY LIGHTNING! WHEN HE GETS HOME HE'S GONNA FIND OUT HE'S GOT JURY DUTY! SOMEBODY HELP THIS POOR MAN!
Shocking Celebrity Sex Predator Accusations! Thousands of Women claim to have been abused in Hotel Rooms by Gene Simmons of KISS! Simmons says he has never kept any of this a secret and people are only pretending to be surprised by this because "It's 2017 and beng surprised by Famous Guys trying to get laid all the time is The Hot New Thing. It's like Disco!" Has anybody ever heard anything about Gene Simmons having sex with women? "I had no idea any of this was going on!" Paul Stanley of KISS has told Reporters "I was too drunk the whole time to remember anything. Leave me alone!" Ace Frehley says "How come no one has asked me about it?" says some Old Man named Peter Criss who says he once had something to do with KISS "Nobody cares about me."
Fats Domino died but in today's Politically Correct climate everyone is afraid to say his name out loud. Mister Domino is mostly remembered for last year's remake of "Walking To New Orleans" entitled "Getting The Hell Out Of New Orleans As Fast As I Can". That "That place is awful! That place is awful!" chorus is still really catchy. As a Musician Domino is remembered for his unique Piano style even though no one can remember exactly what a "Piano" is. Keith Richard told the Press "Yeah, he died. Did yu know Mick's Girlfriend hung herself? Can you blame her?"
Questions have raised about a small Company in Montana getting the Government Contract to restore power in Puerto Rico. Most of the questions are coming from really Big Companys that didn't get the contract and are really pissed off. It has been pointed out that this Company has some connections with some people in the Government. Why didn't the Contract go to a Company with a whole lot of connections with a whole bunch of people in the Government? IT'S NOT RIGHT! And there is possible involvement with the Trump Administration. THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION!?! WHY IN GOD'S NAME ISN'T THIS THE HILLARY CLINTON ADMINISTRATION!?! WHY ISN'T HILLARY CLINTON PRESIDENT!?! IT'S THE THIRD REICH!!! IT'S THE HOLOCAUST!!!! (Starts bleeding through ears, nose, eyes, mouth, and dissolves into a greyish pink pddle of slime)
Great Moments From The Films Of Joel And Ethan Crohn!
"So there's this Murder and . . . Oh! I gotta go! I'll be right back!"
"Uh . . . "
"No Country For Old Men"
"So there's this killer and . . . Oh! I gotta go! I'll be right back!"
"Uh . . . "
"So this woman was kidnapped . . . Oh! I gotta go! I'll be right back!"
"Uh . . . "
Joel and Ethan Crohn, The Most Brilliant . . . Oh, I gotta go! I'll be right back!
Harvey Weinstein did something horrible to that Blonde on "The Big Bang Theory" and all those guys who play weak little Science Nerds on that Show KICKED HIS ASS!! Johnny Galecki hit Weinstein right in the face with that "Karate Kid" Lotus thing and while Weinstein was writhing around on the ground in agony Jim Parsons picked up a Coffee Table and smashed Weinstein on the head with it eleven times and the funny Indian Guy grabbed Weinstein by the leg, dragged him out into the middle of the street, and that really goofy guy who is always making crazy Jokes about how fat his Mom is ran over Weinstein with his car. Watch Out, Hollywood Creeps! You don't mess with "The Big Bang Theory" Mofos! Except for Mayim Bialik. Nobody cares about her.
Asia Argento didn't have to leave Italy because of her accusing Harvey Weinstein of rape. She was chased out of the Country because she is mixed up with that Anthony Bourdain dickhead "What does Anthony Bourdain know about Cooking?" hollers some guy on a Street Corner in Rome "He likes the Cooking in FRANCE!!! The Cooking in Italy is better than the Cooking in FRANCE!!! FRANCE!? Get outta here!! He likes the Cooking in HONG KONG!!!! What the Hell are they Cooking in freakin' HONG KONG!?! We got better Cooking here in ITALY than they got in HONG KONG!!! You gotta be kidding me! That dope Bourdain likes the Cooking in IRELAND!!! IRELAND!!! What the . . . " "Thank you, that's enough . . . " "Whatta you? IRISH? I'll kick your ass!" "Uh . . . I gotta do a Comedy bit about Mark Cuban. Bye!"
Mark Cuban is considering running for President which is Reason To Dislike Mark Cuban #874. Will Cuban become Presdent? Let's ask that guy over there! "Will Mark Cuban become President?" "Am I on TV? Look at my Rodney Dangerfield impression!" That guy's Rodney Dangerfield impression is pretty good. Better than Mark Cuban's Rodney Dangerfield impression which is Reason To Dislike Mark Cuban #549 "Hey! When did I ever do a Rodney Dangerfield impression?! That's just dumb!" Mark Cuban cannot take a Joke - That's Reason To Dislike Mark Cuban #621. "Hey, wait a minute! I'm not Mark Cuban! I'm Mark Zuckerberg!" We don't give a shit.
Morons in Los Angeles are talking about Nominating "Wonder Woman" for the Academy Award just to get a few people to sit down and actually watch the TV Show for the first time since Bob Hope died "We're going for that crazy Fan Boy Geek Crowd! Get all the Best Actress Nominees to show up in that sexy Wonder Woman costume. And if they don't look sexy in that costume we aint gonna nominate em! We'll make all the Best Actor jerks show up dressed up like those stupid 'Star Wars' Storm Troopers! They''ll carry the helmets under their arms so the camera can pick up their mugs and some Comic like Red Buttons will wear the helmet and carry his head under his arm - The Ol' Switcharoo Dee Doo! He can make underarm deoderant jokes! Who's gonna Host this Shin Dig? Jimmy Kimmell? Never heard of em! Let me get Groucho on the Phone! You call that a phone? It looks like a Pocket Calculator! Let me use it to figure how long until I take my Medication."
This Week On Fisher Stevens Playhouse!!!
Don't Miss Fisher In "The Burning" - The ONLY Movie Directed By Harvey Weinstein - And It's An EIGHTIES SUMMER CAMP SLASHER MOVIE!!! Featurng The Classic "Fisher Gets His Fingers Cut Off By A Pair Of Hedge Clippers" Scene! "That Shot of Fisher Stevens staring at his mutilated hand with Horror and Shock CRACKS ME UP!" - Harvey Weinstein "Yeah, that is pretty funny" - Bob Weinstein
Next Week On Fisher Stevens Playhouse - "Short Circuit" With Fisher As A Stereotypical Indian Guy! Racist And Offensive But Still Funnier Than Anything We'll Ever Get Out Of That Aziz Ansari Bitch!
FISHER STEVENS PLAYHOUSE!!!! HE BONED MICHELLE PFIEFFER WHILE SHE WAS STILL FAMOUS!!!!
Justin Timberlake will Star in the Super Bowl Half Time Show but if Janet Jackson's not in it nobody will give a shit. No, not because of the "Wardrobe Malfunction" incident. How come the only thing people remember from that show is Janet Jackson's pierced nipple? How come nobody remembers when Janet shot shot an apple off of the top of Justin's head with an arrow but EVERYBODY remembers when Janet accidentally flashed some tit? Nobody ever says ANYTHING about when Justin performed that Magic Trick when he sawed Janet in half but they still won't SHUT UP about that boob! What about that TOTALLY BAD ASS Bachman Turner Overdrive Greatest Hits Medley? Get yo' minds out of the Gutta, My Brothas!
I've been really depressed since I heard about ZZ TOP working as Kid Rock's Opening Act. Geez, who was Backstage fixin' Kid's Biscuits N' Gravy? Debbie Harry? Was Billy Idol operating the Tour Bus Espresso Machine? Just one more Joke like that and I'm throwing myself into Traffic. "Was Pat Benatar in charge of cleaning all the beer cans out of Kid Rock's Limo?" Uh . . . I don't quite remember who Pat Benatar was "You know who Pat Benatar was! You're just trying to pussy outta throwing yourself into Traffic!" What? "Pussy"? Aw, get outta here, Kid Rock! You So Silly!
CNN'S FAVORITE REPUBLICANS GOIN' CRAY CRAY, YO! John McCain left a paper bag full of dog poop in front of the White House, set it on fire, rang the door bell, and when Donald Trump answered the door he jumped up and down the bag to put the fire out AND GOT DOG SHIT ALL OVER HIS SHOES!! "I Love You, John McCain!!" - Wolf Blitzer. Lindsey Graham broke into Mitch McConnell's House, put Prank Rubber Polio Germs in all of "Turtle Man"s Ensure Cans, and Beams With Pride From Side To Side! "I'm going to be an Old Man with no Wife and Children just like YOU one day, Lindsey Graham!" - Anderson Cooper. And now that Corker Guy who is leaving the Senate to make a Fortune Writing Books and Making Speeches is dating at least one of those Niger Widows! "You make Monkey Boy Chris smile, Corker Mister!" - Chris Cuomo. "Put 'Sad' at the end. It'll be funny." I don't work for CNN, John McCain. SCRAM!
Cheap Trick was THE BEST BAND EVER until they dumped Bun E. Carlos and replaced him with Rick Neilson's Unemployed Son. If The Beatles had known such a thing was possible they never would have broken up. John Lennon would only have put up with Paul McCartney's goofy bullshit long enough to replace him with his kid Julian or maybe Sean. Nah, he'd save Sean to finally get rid of George. That would have been great! But if we still had The Beatles around all that Time there never would have been any need for Cheap Trick. We wouldn't need anything but even more Yoko Ono Jokes! There wouldn't be any Jokes but Yoko Ono Jokes! "Sounds good to me!" says Monica Lewinsky. "Yeah!" says OJ.
George W Bush, Barak Obama, and John McCain attacked Donald Trump without having the Guts to mention his Name. But none of them called him "Orange" so at least they aren't total Candy Asses. Meanwhile, Jimmy Carter surprised everybody by defending Trump so brace yourself for the first round of "Peanut" jokes since Carter was voted out of Office in 1980. Yeah, Carter used to be a Peanut Farmer so when he was President everybody made stupid Peanut Jokes all the time. But then Reagan was Elected President and Carter became some kind of a friggin' Saint. But now he's said positive things about that horrible Orange guy and now he's just an Old Fool who ran a Peanut Farm. And if he doesn't shut the Hell up it will be time for the "Billy Beer" gags. Yeah, Billy Beer was . . . I'll explain that if Carter ever says anything about Lusting In His Heart For Russian Mail Order Brides . . . I'll probably have to explain that, too. Eh, screw Jimmy Carter.
Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid are funny in that "National Lampoon Christmas Movie" but there should be a Documentary about Randy Quaid showing up uninvited at Dennis Quaid's House for Christmas. Chevy Chase is funny but Real Life Dennis Quaid barricading his Front Door with a Christmas Tree and a bunch of Presents to keep his asshole Brother out of the House would be hilarious. Let's get Randy and Dennis' Mom and Dad involved, if they're already dead we'll get Jackie Mason and some old Black lady from the Tyler Perry Movies all mixed up in that shit. And at the end we'll get one of the Make Up Effects guys from "The Walking Dead" to show Dennis cutting Randy open with the Turkey Carving Knife. Or Randy cutting Dennis open, I don't know. We'll shoot both and use whichever one is the funniest. Yeah, "A Quaid Quistmas"! "Can I be in it, anyway?" "Sure, Chevy! Why not?"
Corey Haim got busted in Louisiana for Possession Of Marijuana! What? He's DEAD? He got the DEATH PENALTY for Possession Of Marijuana? Wow, they ain't foolin' around in Louisiana! Oh, COREY FELDMAN got busted and COREY HAIM is Dead! I can never keep those Coreys straight. Although keeping a guy straight after he's been molested by every pedophile in Hollywood is gonna be . . . OK, I'll change the subject. Hey, Louisiana Party People! Let's get High and do the "Thriller" Dance! I'll be Michael and you can be the Zombies! (Tries to light Joint, sets fire to his hair) TITO!
Did Jon Bon Jovi REALLY say "How can The Replacements be The Best Band In The World when I've never heard of them?" Just when I was finally sick of listening to The Replacements all the Time I heard that Jon Bon Jovi had said "How can The Replacements be The Best Band In The World when I've never heard of them?" and now I have to listen to The Replacements all over again. But what I'd REALLY like to hear is Jon Bon Jovi saying "How can The Replacements be The Best Band In The World when I've never heard of them?". That would be AWESOME! Is that shit on You Tube? I would LAUGH MY ASS OFF if I heard Jon Bon Jovi saying "How can The Replacements be The Best Band In The World when I've never heard of them?" on You Tube. Hey, Bon Jovi! Quit screwing around and record a "How Can The Replacements Be The Best Band In The World If I've Never Heard Of Them" Song! It'll be even funnier than "Livin' On A Prayer"!!
"The Hunger Games" is such a blatant "Battle Royale" rip off Jennifer Lawrence had to audition in a Japanese School Girl Uniform. JENNIFER LAWRENCE ISN'T CUTE ENOUGH TO WEAR A JAPANESE SCHOOL GIRL UNIFORM! She should have had to wear a rubber Godzilla suit. But what did Godzilla do to deserve such a thing? They should have made Jennifer Lawrence wear a rubber Whoopie Goldberg suit. That would have been a better Movie than "The Hunger Games" - Jennifer Lawrence in "Whoopie Goldberg Eats Tokyo". Yeah! But, right before it comes out Jennifer Lawrence has to go and spoil it all by saying Something Stupid like "All that Anime is God punishing the Japanese for scamming America into eating Raw Fish." and the Movie is a DUD. And now Whoppie Goldberg is hollering about me on "The View". Okay, make it "Rosie O'Donnell Eats Tokyo", I don't care. Let's watch "Battle Royale" again - I NEED A GOOD CRY!
The very first Playboy Playmate after Hugh Hefner died is a TRANSEXUAL? Did Hefner know about that before he died? "WHAT!?! Get the Doctor in here!! I gotta hang on for another few months!! I GOTTA PROTECT MY BRAND!!! Okay, gotta pick out the Centerforld Girls for the next few months . . . Shit, gotta pick out who's gonna run this thing after I'm DEAD! I put my Son in charge? Is he still my Son or is he gonna be my Daughter? Hey, I haven't taken this much of an interest in things for years! Being an Old Man isn't that bad! Maybe I should be an Old Lady? Screw this, I"M DEAD!
The very first Playboy Playmate after Hugh Hefner died is a TRANSEXUAL? "That would have driven Tom out of his Mind!" says Petty's close friend Bob Dylan "If Tom had known about that Playboy Ladyboy he would have been doing Heroin in a Chicken Shack again! I know that sounds crazy but if Tom had even seen a guy in the Playboy Centerfold he would have been doing Heroin in a Chicken Shack again until he felt better and then he would have Recorded an Album about doing Heroin in a Chicken Shack that would have had everybody in America doing Heroin in a Chicken Shack! It would have the Dawn of a New Age. I'd try doing a 'Heroin in a Chicken Shack' Album myself but everybody hated me singing that damn 'Learning To Fly' song the other night so much . . . "
The very first Playboy Playmate after Jerry Lewis died is a TRANSEXUAL? Good thing he died before he saw THAT! "THAT is a GUY?! If there had been guys looking like that when I was younger I never would have spent all that time with DEAN MARTIN, I'll tell you that! I would have made a very nice looking young woman if Modern Sex Change Technology had been available when I was a young guy! MAYBE DEAN WOULD HAVE LOVED ME AS MUCH AS I LOVED HIM!!! WE COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY!! I WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED HOLLYWOOD!!! I WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED PERCODAN!!! I WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED CAHIERS DU CINEMA!!! I . . . " "He's . . . Dead!" "Should we tell anybody all that stuff he said at the end?" "After he cut us out of his Will? HELL YEAH we're gonna tell everybody about all that stuff he said at the end!!"
Jerry Lewis, Hugh Hefner, and Harry Dean Stanton were all Ninety One Years Old when they recently Died. Are you Ninety Years Old? You don't have Time to waste reading crap like this on the Internet! Get out and do some SKATEBOARDING! Yeah! GO, GRANDPA! (Terrible CRASH Sound Effect) Uh oh! Say "Hi!" to Jerry and Hef for me. You don't have to say anything to Harry Dean Stanton. I'm even sure who the Hell he is. Or was. Anyway, if you are a lot younger than Ninety you have plenty of Time to waste reading this. Hell, you even have enough Time to waste reading "Moby Dick". And by the Time you finish reading "Moby Dick" you will be Ninety. And then you'll have Time for Skateboarding!
America wants to know - Did Rex Tillerson call Donald Trump a "Moron"? Donald Trump once called Jeff Sessions an "Idiot", you know! The Idiots Of America were about to raise a Huge Fuss over that but then they forgot about it and sat around listening to the new Katy Perry Album. But getting back to the "Moron" thing - Did Donald Trump call Rex Tillerson a "Moron"? I will not rest until I find out for sure if . . . Wait, it was Rex Tillerson who supposedly called Donald Trump a "Moron"? Who is this "Rex Tillerson"? I am only vaguely aware of who "Donald Trump" is. Hey, this new Taylor Swift Album is better than . . . No, this is the Katy Perry Album . . .
While Donald Trump recieved heavy criticism for his Phone Call to the Wife of a Soldier shot in Niger Hillary Clinton is getting High Marks for her Phone Call to the Wife of the Gun Man who shot the Soldier "I was at Home reading about Donald Trump messing up that Phone Call to the Wife of the guy my Husband shot when the Phone rang and it was HILLARY CLINTON! And, except for a couple of Times when she yelled at some one called Huma to quit moping around and bring her more wine, she was SO NICE! She told me all about Women's Right, Health Care, the Iranian Nuclear Weapons Deal, and then she sang all of Bruce Springsteen's 'The River' Album from beginning to end. I especially liked that one Springsteen Song about 'Quit moping around and bring me more wine, you big dope!'. And after the Phone Call she sent me an E Mail! I don't quite get American jokes, what does 'You're the Ambassador, not me! If anything happens to that embassy it's all your fault, not mine!' mean? I'm going to tell my Husband to shoot more Americans so Hillary and I can be Regular Phone Buddies! La la la . . . Quit moping around . . . La la la . . . Get me more wine, you big dope . . . La la la . . ."
Chelsea Handler has announced that she is quitting her Talk Show to become an "Activist". Maybe now all those other Talk Show assholes like John Oliver, Stephen Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmell will go away to be become Activists and we will finally have Talk Shows Hosted by funny . . . Oh, I forgot to put Conan O'Brien on that list of losers who ought to quit trying to do a Talk Show and go be Activists. Is Conan O'Brien still doing a Talk Show? He already quit to do that Activist shit, right? Imagining Conan O'Brien getting in fights with Nazis and tearing down Confederate Statues is depressing but not as depressing as imagining him moving into his Parent's House and applying for a job at Wendy's. So Thanks a lot, Chelsea Handler, for making it possible to think about Conan O'Brien without feeling guilty and handing out spare change to Homeless people. Maybe Conan could do a thing where he tears down a Statue of Stonewall Jackson and it falls on him and breaks every bone in his body. Do it, Conan! But don't bother recording it on Videotape. No one is interested.
Why did they have to hire a new Most Interesting Man In The World for those Beer Commercials? Because everybody thought the original was Tommy Chong and sat there waiting for something funny to happen instead of paying attention to the Commercial. Just like every time you ever saw a Cheech And Chong Movie you sat there waiting for something funny to happen instead of paying attention to whatever those idiots were doing in the Movie. So that's why they replaced The Most Interesting Man In The World with some other Interesting Man and replaced Cheech And Chong with Harold And Kumar. Or, if you really want to be an asshole, Tim And Eric.
The Hollywood Casting Couch Scandal Continues! Nickelodeon has fired the Creator of "The Loud House" Cartoon Series for Sexual Misconduct. Before he would draw a Cartoon Female Character on the Show he had to draw her having Cartoon Sex with him on a Cartoon Couch. "We don't have any problem with him having sexual fantasies about Women that do not even exist in Reality" a Spokesman for Nickelodeon said "But for every Female Character that appears on the Show for a few minutes there are hours and hours of her having sex with this guy on a Cartoon Couch and we can't afford to have him producing all that Animated Pornography with our Money. So we are replacing this horny bastard with a misogynist animator who will create hours and hours of Female Characters getting run over by a Steamroller, hit on the head with a falling Anvil, and blown up by a bundle on TNT before appearing on the Show for a few minutes. At least we will be able to air that shit on Saturday Morning."
Disturbing Side Effects of drinking Dan Aykroyd's shitty Vodka in the stupid Skull Bottle - It makes Dan Aykroyd Movies FUNNY! "I bought my Boyfriend that Dan Aykroyd Vodka because of the Skull Bottle and now all he does is sit around watching 'Doctor Detroit' and laughing like an Idiot!" This is not an isolated case! "I gave my Brother a Bottle of than Dan Aykroyd crap because Skulls freak him out and now he spends his Life watching 'The Coneheads' Movie and whooping it up like it's 'The Cleveland Show'! Yeah, I like 'The Cleveland Show'. I think it's funny." Permament Brain Damage? "It has been one and a half years since the Patient has drunk any of that Skull Bottle shit and he is still laughing hysterically at Dan Aykroyd in 'Ghostbusters' without even watching 'Ghostbusters'!" "Ha! Dan Aykroyd told Bill Murray 'You never studied!'! That's so funny! Bill Murray never studied! Ha! Bill Murray said 'We came, we saw, we kicked it's ass!' but the Credits say that Dan Aykroyd Wrote the Script so 'We came, we saw, we kicked it's ass!' was Dan Aykroyd's idea! Ha! Dan Aykroyd came, Dan Aykroyd saw, Dan Aykroyd kicked Bill Murray's ass! Ha! Dan Aykroyd! That Vodka didn't even taste good! Ha!" "What about 'Dragnet'? Did anybody drink the Vodka and decide 'Dragnet' was funny?" "GET OUT OF HERE, DAN AYKROYD!!"
After all this Time Seth McFarlane has realized that Producing "Family Guy" was way too complicated a way to hang around with Mila Kunis every now and then "Shit, I could have graduated from Med School, become a Gynecologist, moved to LA, killed every other Gynecologist in Southern California, and it still would have been an easier way to hang around with Mila Kunis than Producing 'Family Guy'. But I still would have done 'American Dad'. Because having a Show on TBS is THE SHIT!!!"
Everybody has been wondering why Colin Kaepernick hasn't been out in Public lately. That's because more and more people are catching on that Kaepernack looks a lot like Anthony Weiner in an Afro Wig and they are wondering if he is doing a wacky "Carlos Danger" Character Bit "I am NOT doing a wacky 'Carlos Danger' Character Bit!" declares Kaepernick "But - Even more important than that - I am NOT Anthony Weiner!" "Come on, Anthony Weiner! It's Time for you to go to Prison!" "I am NOT Anthony Weiner! I am Colin Kaepernick!" "The Kneeling During The National Anthem Asshole? Wow! Throwing you in Prison will be even more fun than throwing Anthony Weiner into Prison! I LOVE BEING A COP!!!" And then Kaepernick takes off his Afro Wig and gets thrown into Prison anyway "DAMN!"
Good News! They're bringing back "Party Of Five"! Bad News! It's going to be about a Family of Mexican Dreamers. You laughed when they said the Mexicans were going to take all the jobs and now Matthew Fox, Nev Campell, and LACEY CHAUBERT are auditioning for "The Room 2"! Jennifer Love Hewitt? She couldn't hold a job if Trump built a Wall around the Lifetime Channel. GOD DAMN YOU, GEORGE LOPEZ! GOD DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!
The United Nations is having an Emergency Meeting to stop Hollywood from making a Movie out the Comedy Script Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence Wrote together "If it's anything like that Jennifer Lawrence 'Mother' mess and that thing where Goldie Hawn played Amy Schumer's Mother that Movie will be worse than North Korean Missilles hitting any place in the US that isn't Los Angeles!" said some guy at the UN, I don't care about those assholes. Homeland Security has devised a Plan to put Schumer and Lawrence in an Underground Bunker, tell em that the World has been destroyed in a Nuclear War, and just leave their dumb asses down there with a couple of Beers and a Bag of Cornchips. Can we send Seth Rogan down there, too? Sure, make that a Case of Beer, a Bag of Cornchips, and a Can of Cheese Dip. Screw em.
Boy, does that cute girl from "Mad Men" look DUMB walking around in the stupid hat in "The Handsmaid's Tale" or what? Does she wear that damn thing on top of her Head ALL the Time? Cause I don't care how cute she is, I'm not watching a Show where a cute girl wears a stupid hat like that all the Time. You think anybody would have watched "Friends" if Rachel and Monica had been wearing those stupid hats? No way would Monica have gotten to almost Marry Tom Goddam Selleck wearing a piece of shit like that on top of her head. Pheobe? Sure, why not. Is Megyn Kelly wearing one of those hats on "The Today Show"? No wonder nobody wants to be on it with her. Hey, cute girl from "Mad Men"! Get rid o' hat hat! Try wearing a Top Hat like My Man Slash or maybe one of them crazy Indian things with a whole bunch of feathers. Start sporting a bunch of feathers on top of your pretty little head and I might bother looking up your name in People Magazine next time I go to the Dentist. What the Hell kind of Shoes is she wearing? CROCS? She can't be wearing FLIP FLOPS. No matter how cute a girl is she can't get away with wearing Flip Flops and a stupid hat like that. Not even Monica
George Lopez got booed off of the Stage for telling Trump Jokes. Wow, you know you suck when you get booed off of the Stage for teling Trump Jokes in 2017! If it was 1941 Lopez would be getting booed off of the Stage for teling Mussolini Jokes. And Lopez is such a douchebag it feels like he's been around since 1941. He's so unfunny he could have been in "1941". It's not John Belushi or Dan Aykroyd's fault "1941" blows, that Movie is awful because George Lopez is in it. Yeah, Lopez plays The Ugly Mexican Guy in the Crowd Scene where . . . Uh, there are a lot of Crowd Scenes in that Movie. The only place with no "1941" Crowd Scene was inside the Theater when they showed that mess. And now here is a Special Guest Appearance from My Old Friend Jon Stewart "Trump Jokes? Mussolini Jokes? WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE!?!" Jon Stewart, everybody! Jon Stewart!
Hillary Clinton might become a College Professor. I'm really missing Jerry Lewis these days so I suggest Missus Clinton do a "Nutty Professor" thing where she is an overweight sick old Lady that nobody likes until she drinks some crazy concoction (She seems to think Drinking is HILARIOUS lately. That brings in a Swinging Dean Martin vibe!) and turns into . . . I dunno, whatever the Hell Democrats see in their heads when they look at that overweight sick old Lady. Hey, Eddie Murphy made a "Nutty Professor" Movie! He threw a tantrum when he didn't win the Oscar and Hillary threw a tantrum when she didnt win the Election - It's a NATURAL!
What would the deceased members of The Ramones - Johnny, Joey, Dee Dee, and . . . Uh . . . Izzy? -think of that Exercise Machine Commercial with "The Blitzkrieg Bop" on it? Who knows? People didn't have Exercise Machines in the Seventies when The Ramones invented Punk Rock. Would Johnny have felt like playing Guitar like that if he had an Exercise Machine to work out on? Maybe not! If he could have sweated it out all nice and healthy he might have gotten into a more Laid Back Acoustic James Taylor kind of vibe, maybe bought a Flute and prance around Central Park improvising mellow melodies inspired by the hypnotic chirping of the Sparrows? Uh, Yeah. If Dee Dee had an Exercise Machine he'd sell it to buy some DOPE! Then he'd go to Central Park, mug Johnny, steal his Flute, AND BUY SOME MORE DOPE! Then he'd break into Joey's place, murder Joey, steal his Exercise Machine, BUY EVEN MORE DOPE, OVERDOSE, AND THAT WOULD BE THE END OF THE WHOLE HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE! Izzy had his Drums, he didn't any stupid Exercise Machine. No way!
California is AFLAME! What caused all those Fires? Did a North Korean Missille hit California and the Government doesn't want to tell us? That could be a good Conspiracy we could scam all the Idiots into talking about while we laugh at how DUMB they all are. But seriously, if a North Korean Missille smacked onto California and set Fire to everything we would have HEARD something, right? Unless we were already making a lot of Noise talking about Harvey Feinstein "He raped Asia Argento! That cute girl in 'Land Of The Dead'! Uh . . . What was THAT? Did you hear a BOOM? It sounded like . . . He raped that cute girl in 'Land Of The Dead'!!! She went crazy, got too many tattoos, and now she's running around with ANTHONY BOURDAIN!!! Hey, John Saleeby, ae you laughing at how dumb we all are again? Get lost!" I'm glad I'm not in California. Or Florida and Texas. And Puerto Rico. Aw, shit - It sucks so bad here I'm not gonna tell you where I am. It's embarassing!
Everybody's worried about Johnny Depp! He's drunk all the Time and he got Married to . . . I don't want to talk about that. Say, Johnny Depp is in a Band with Joe Perry from Aerosmith! You'd think if an experienced Vet like Joe Perry is in a Band with a guy having the kind of problems Johnny Depp has he would give him a little advice, right? You can't just sit around backstage talking about "Exile On Main Street" with a guy who's drinking too much and getting Married to . . . I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT THAT!! But Joe Perry will be talking to Johnny Depp about his favorite episode of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" before he gets into any crazy Johnny Depp stuff. You think Joe Perry could have spent three hundred years in Aerosmith if he was going to get all Doctor Phil over some other guy's headaches? Joe Perry once sat next to Jeff Dahmer on a flight from Cleveland to Seattle and wasn't in the least bit uncomfortable. WAIT, there's a Jeff Dahmer Movie coming out! Is Johnny Depp in it? "That would have been cool. I'm not gonna tell anybody want to do." Oh, WARM UP, Joe Perry! You call yourself a FRIEND!?
Oh, you just called Donald Trump "ORANGE"!!! HO HO HO, that's SOOO FUNNY! Ten Million things to complain about with the guy and you're rankin' on THE COLOR OF HIS SKIN! "If you judge a Wise Man by the Color of his Skin, Mister, You're a better Man than I." - Aerosmith. Okay, that sucks. Later on I'll do something where I quote a Song from "Rocks" or "Toys In The Attic". Puttin' down Orange People! If you put down Black People you're Hitler but if you put down Orange People you're Stephen Colbert? If Hillary Clinton was President would she send me off to a Foreign Land to go and kill the Orange Man? What about the Orange Children? THE LITTLE ORANGE BOYS AND GIRLS!?! Is this how it felt in the Sixties? No wonder they had to be High al the time! Pick me up a Red Bull! And AN ORANGE BULL FOR MY MAN DONALD HERE!!!! HO HO HO!!!
Rose McGowan claims Harvey Weinstein assaulted her, is he the Sick Bastard that cut all her Hair off, too? Does he like to cut Women's Hair off, sweep it all up off of the floor, take it Home, make a wig out of it, and sashay around the House pretending to be a member of Whitesnake? Cause he is BALD. Maybe you can't look at Harvey Weinstein long enough to notice it but, yeah . . . Baldhead! Ain't got no Hair! Baldhead! Ain't . . . I'm sorry, that's an old Professor Longhair Song. You have to excuse me, I'm from New Orleans. But YES! It all makes sense! Maybe not if you are a former member of Whitesnake, but it does make sense! "Why do you have to drag us into it?" Sorry, Rudy Sarzo! e know you are The Nicest Guy In Metal! Are you into Professor Longhair? I'll send you a Mix Tape!
There's a new Beck Album for guys on the Internet to talk about how Cool it is while guys in the Real World just shrug and go to a Web Site with pictures of naked Japanese Girls. Are all those Japanese Girls on the Internet into the new Beck Album? If I can't have any Japanese Girls in Real Life I could give a shit about the new Beck Album. I've got a Grand Funk Eight Track and a coupla Playboys with Barbi Benton, to Hell with all that Internet shit . . . Oh, I'm on the Internet right now, aren't I? If I tried doing these bits in Real Life (Remembers doing Stand Up In New York years ago and has a Stroke) . . . Don't forget to check out that new Beck Album, everybody! It's AWESOME!!!
OJ Simpson is out of Prison. You'd think there would be more Zany Comedy Bits about that. Oh . . . Hi, OJ! I mean - Hi, MISTER OJ! How did you get in here? Not that you aren't Welcome in here! Oh, yes, feel free to help yourself to that Peanut Butter Sandwich. I'll be out in the Parking Lot working on Jokes . . . EVERYBODY GET OUTTA HERE!!! SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!!
When is Kirk Cameron going to make another Christian Movie and drive all the "Smart" People out of their minds again? No "Human Centipede" Movie could disturb those Screaming Meemies as much as another Kirk Cameron Movie. Unless you made a "Kirk Cameron Centipede" Movie. Yeah, a Movie where Kirk Cameron has a second Kirk Cameron's mouth sewn onto his butt and a third Kirk Cameron has his mouth sewn onto the second Kirk Cameron's butt? The FREAK OUT Movie Of The Century! Kirk Cameron ain't exactly Brad Pitt, we can always find a second Kirk Cameron and a third Kirk Cameron to stitch together with the real Kirk Cameron, right? Hell, yeah! If only Alan Thicke was here to see it.
Last Weekend "Saturday Night Live" was Hosted by Some Guy With Eyebrows. But that wasn't just Some Guy With Eyebrows, that was Kumail Nanjiani! He's from some Country where "Kumail Nanjiani" means "Some Guy With Eyebrows". "Kumail" means either "Guy" or "Eyebrows" and "Nanjiani" means either "Eyebrows" or "Guy", I dunno. I don't speak the Language of whatever crazy Country that Eyebrows Guy comes from. Hell, I don't even watch "Saturday Night Live" cause only Losers are watching Television at Eleven Thirty on a Saturday Night. This Week End I was doing Crossword Puzzles with my Aunt at Eleven Thirty Saturday Night. But I do know that in addition to Some Guy With Eyebrows they had a guy named Michael Che on "Weekend Update" and "Michael Che" means "Guy With A Tremendous Space Between His Eyes". I don't know what Country that Guy With A Tremendous Space Between His Eyes comes from but it seems you can call the President "Bitch" on Live TV without getting your ass kicked there so it must really be a TRIP, man. But I bet the Crossword Puzzles over there will kick your ass anyway!
With kind regards