Enjoy Our Quality Comedy Podcast "The Devil Is A Sissy" at www.thedevilisasissy.com

"Hey! In Australia they got NIQUIL SLUSHIES!!!"

Cheap Trick is in Australia right now and Rick has a Cold. With the Internet we can follow Cheap Tricks Day To Day Activities with Budokan Dedication.  Rick has a Cold, Tom and Robin had a Boomarang Battle with the Disco Dingos, and Rick's Stupid Son  who plays the Drums all of a goddam sudden  has been abducted by a Pudgy Kangaroon with Glasses and a Mustache.  Get it? That's a Cheap Trick Gag!  The Kangaroo is Bun E Carlos! Get it? Huh?  Oh, "Who is Bun E Carlos?" But when I asked "Who is Kanye West?"  it took five trips through the Car Wash  to scape off the six inch coat of Kanye West fan spit and now I have to do an Audio Visual Presentation  on Bun E Carlos and Rick's Stupid Son who plays the Drums all of a goddam sudden.  If The Beatles had only one Hit Song, Recorded a Million Albums that nobody bought,  and were forced to spend the rest of their lives on the Road you wouldn't be able to do a Yoko Ono Joke without an Audio Visual Presentation  about . . . Shit, Lobsters1 should have done an Audio Visual Presentation  about Yoko Ono instead of this sorry ass Comedy Bit about Cheap Trick in Australia.  Hey, how about a "Road Warrior" Parody  with Yoko Ono instead of Mel Gibson?  And Angus from AC/DC as The Feral Kid? Eh . . .

"Wait . . . That was Joe Walsh on 'The Drew Carey Show'? I thought that was ME, man!"

Remember when Joe Walsh played a regular character on "The Drew Carey Show"?  I bet the guys who played Oswald and that other creep hated Walsh's guts. "What? A guy who isn't a creep is gonna be on the Show? " Hollywood is so creepy  that freakin' Joe Walsh was their idea of a guy that isn't creepy.  It was either Joe Walsh or Richard Speck.  People in Hollywood were so impressed by  that Video of Richard Speck in Prison snorting Coke and sporting fake Bazooms  that he was almost cast as the non-creepy guy on "The Drew Carey Show".  But they went with Joe Walsh when it was pointed out that he had never murdered anybody. "But can he get some fake Bazooms?"  "What is this, 'Baywatch'?"  So they almost put Richard Speck on "Baywatch" but . . . Oh, for God's sake, how long are we going to carry on with this? 

Jerk Alert Live Onstage! Actually a Picture of the J Geils Band but it's got Playboy Bunnies in it so Lobsters1 likes it.

Jerk Alert would be a good name for a Band. Lobsters1 is going to start a Band just to call it Jerk Alert and be mean to to stupid Musicians.  Get a bunch of guys to join Jerk Alert  and when start coming up with stupid ideas Lobsters1 can fire the whole stupid bunch of em. It'll be GREAT!  "What the Hell is THAT!?! Those aren't Jerk Alert Chords!  GET OUT! You aren't Jerk Alert Material! OUT!"  Who needs Guitar Players and Drummers? All Lobsters1 needs is a Jerk Alert Logo  that I can draw on the back of my History Notebook.  No, not High School History - Jerk Alert History!  "October 2018 - Lobsters1 Fires Brian May  from Jerk Alert 'What the Hell was THAT!?! That's not a Jerk Alert Solo! GET OUT! You aren't Jerk Alert Material! OUT! Oh, the Jerk Alert Phone is ringing! Hello, Jerk Alert! Who? Ace Frehley? Sure! Come on over!"

 

JERK ALERT!!!

"Making fun of Keith Richards!!! You're a BAD MAN!! YOU'RE A VERY BAD MAN!!!!"

Lobsters1 is so Old he remembers when everybody thought Keith Richards Solo Records would be  would be REALLY GREAT.  That's why Kids today don't give a shit about Music.  They grew up in a World embittered and disillusioned by Keith Richards Solo Records.  Why don't we go to the Movies any more?  Albert Brooks Movies.  Lobsters1 grew up in a World where that couldn't wait to go see Albert Brooks Movies.  And then . . .  Keith Richards Movies would probably have been better than Albert Brooks Movies. And we know for a fact that Albert Brooks Records would have been better than Keith Richards Records because there actually are Albert Brooks Records. Hey, Keith Richards!  Albert Brooks Records  don't have the LA Hack Coke Head who played on all those Linda Ronstadt Records playing Guitar on em! What's your excuse? No,  "I was wasted!" doesn't count as an excuse! If that doesn't work as an excuse for Joe Perry Solo Records it doesn't work for Keith Richards Solo Records. You know why? Because Joe Perry Solo Records don't need a fuckin' excuse! Get outta here! And take that Ron Wood retard with ya!

"Oh, Crap! Is he gonna put on a Ryan Adams Record? What if he puts on a BRYAN ADAMS Record? WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!!!"

People who make Jokes about getting Ryan Adams mixed up with Bryan Adams  are even lamer than getting Divorced from Mandy Moore. Lobsters1 always gets Ryan Adams mixed up with that empty Bottle of Beer he left on the Front Porch about a Month ago  and keeps forgetting to pick up and throw in the trash.  Or is Bryan Adams like that Bottle?? Nah, Bryan Adams is like that Bottle of Budweiser that's been in the Refrigerator for about Half a Year that he really ought to drink but he never fuckin' feels like it. Is there a Pretty Boy Movie Star named Bryan Gosling?  That would be really funny. But only because of the "Gosling" part.

"You mean that Hippie Comedy Team in 'Billy Jack'? With Howard Hesseman?" "No."

When is a Comedian going to become The Super Comedy Hipster  by siting The Ace Trucking Company as a Major Influence?  A Comedian who says The Ace Trucking Company inspired him to get into Comedy would be as Cool as a Rock Musician  who says Big Star made him want to play Music.  Yeah, Fred Willard is The Alex Chilton of Comedy, man!  No, wait - Fred Willard is too well known to be  the Alex Chilton of Comedy. Michael Mislove is the Alex Chilton of Comedy!  You don't know who Michael Mislove is?  HA HA! You Big Dumb Fuckin' Square! ACE TRUCKING COMPANY #1!!!  If it wasn't for Patti Deutsch on "Match Game"  Lobsters1 would have been just another Guitar Playing jerk talking about Chris Bell.  You don't know who Patti Deutsch is? You Big Dumb Fuckin' Square!  What? You don't know who Chris Bell is? I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG AROUND WITH YOU GUYS!

"Hey, I can Rap, too! Listen - At the Copa Copacabana! Music and Fashion are always the Passion at the Copa Copacabana! Don't fall in Love. That last part always bums me out - Don't fall in Love. What was Barry thinking? Sad."

Has anybody compared Kanye West and Donald Trump to when Sammy Davis Junior and Richard Nixon were Buddies? Boy, was that . . . "Hey! This Lobsters1 guy is so Old he remembers Sammy Davis Junior and Richard Nixon! Hey, Grandpa! You escape from the Nursing Home? HA HA!" No, No, we're going to do Jokes about Kanye West and  . . .  "Old People don't know who Kanye West is! Were you a Steppin Fetchit Fan  when you were a Kid during The Reconstruction?" Hey! I've got FEELINGS, ya know! "Screw you! I saw you wearing Blackface in 'Birth Of A Nation'! HA HA HA!!! You suck." Lobsters1 puts on his old Forty Five of "Candy Man" by Sammy Davis Junior.  Kanye West comes in and tries to do that crazy DJ "Scratchin''" thing  with Lobsters1's Kenner "Close N' Play" Record Player. Lobsters1 starts crying.  Kanye starts crying. Donald Trump starts crying. Sammy Davis Junior and Richard Nixon laugh their asses off. The Seventies were BAD ASS!

"Lobsters1 is posting on his Blog again! IT'S GOING TO BE ALLRIGHT!!!!"

AW, Crap! Lobsters1 agreed to Babysit his Ex Girlfriend's kids the Night after she let them watch an Eighties Italian Horror Movie about a Movie that turns the Kids who watch it  into Blobs of Purple Gelatin that eat Babysitters. Three Weeks trapped in a House with Eleven kids  who think they are Blobs of Purple Gelatin  and are trying to eat Lobsters1!  Yeah, Three Weeks!  Lobsters1's stupid Ex Girlfriend  used her Eleven Kids thinking they are Blobs of Purple Gelatin as an excuse to run away to Vegas  with Brad, the Lead Singer of our Local Poison Cover Band.  Brad was a Good Guy when he was  merely the Drummer of our Local Ratt Cover Band but once he bleached his Hair and got Promoted to being the Lead Singer of our Local Poison Cover Band  . . . Oh, Lobsters1 has to go, the Purple Blobs of Gelatin  with Hair Lice have bitten  a couple of his Fingers off . So much for playing Bass in our Local LA Guns Cover Band. CRAP!

Lobsters1 has not Posted anything on the Blog for a while because Godzilla attacked the City where Lobsters1 lives  and the gigantic lizard asshole  stepped on Lobsters1 House  and Lobsters1 skull was crushed . . . Oh, nobody wants to hear a guy whine about his problems.  Maybe Godzilla had a legitimate reason  for killing Lobsters1 and everybody else in his Neighborhood.  Maybe Godzilla was the Owner of that Sushi place that opened around the corner  but nobody ate at so it never went out of Business  and . . . Lobsters1 is so consumed with guilt  just thinking about it. So that's why when you went to the Lobsters1 Blog for a few laughs you didn't find anything  but that same picture of Bill Murray  with the Lyrics to that old Frank Zappa Song  . . . Yeah, Frank Zappa Wrote  "The World's Greatest Sinner" Song.  You didn't know that.?  Do you know who Godzilla is?  Jesus, you are DUMB!  Good thing Lobsters1 spent the Week End  drinking Beer and jumping aall over the place pretending to be Bugs Bunny  instead of Writing stuff for this stupid Blog. "Who is Bugs Bunny?" I HATE YOU!

He's The World's Greatest Sinner. As a Sinner he's a Winner. He ain't no Beginner. He's just TERRIBLE! TOO MUCH!

Sex Scandals . . . Rape . . . Hey, Bill Murray beat the Hell out of a Seventy Year Old Man a couple of Weeks ago and nobody gave a shit! What would Bill Murray have to do to get the Louis CK - Charlie Rose Treatment ? RAPE a Seventy Year Old Man?  Naw, if Bill Murray Raped a Seventy Year Old Man everybody would think it was CUTE "Bill Murray! That Wacky Prankster! Ha Ha! Didn't he Rape a Seventy Year Old Man in 'Groundhog Day'?"  Yeah, One Day Bill Murray Raped a Seventy Year Old Man, the next Day he Punched the Seventy Year Old Man, the next Day he Shook the Seventy Year Old Man a little bit . . . That 'Groundhog Day' stuff is tedious.Good thing they did it with Bill Murray instead of that goddam Bobcat Goldthwaite. One Day Bobcat Goldthwaite did a lot of screaming and yelling, the next day he did a lot of screaming and yelling, the next day he did a lot of screaming and . . .  Lobsters1 paid all that Money for a Large Coffee at Dippitty Doo Donuts and this is the Best he could come up with?  Hey, so what if Lobsters1 is putting down Bobcat Goldthwaite? Pete Davidson was on "The Howard Stern Show" putting down CHEVY CHASE!  How about Pete Davidson in "Groundhog Day"?  One Day he brags about fucking that little Grande chick, the next day he brags about fucking that little Grande chick, the next day he brags about fucking that little Grande chick , the next day . . .  Oh, the Phone is ringing . . . Hey, Hollywood is offering Lobsters1 Ten Million Dollars to Write a "Groundhog Day" Remake Starring Pete Davidson!  "Sorry, man, I don't do 'Remakes'! I only do 'REBOOTS'!"  Slams down Phone. The next Day Lobsters1 makes another terrible mistake, the next Lobsters1 makes another terrible mistake, the next Day Lobsters1 makes another terrible mistake, the next Day . . . 

Drinking Coffee really helps you get a lot of Writing done done - Especially if you are Writing about having a really bad taste in your mouth.  Working on a Five Hundred Page Opus about the inside of your mouth tasting like you've been making out with Margeret Cho all night? A nice shot of Espresso every Morning could be just the thing for you!

"All the Brave Men who gave their Lives so we could be Free to smoke WEED and you're DRINKING BEER!?!"

A Friend of Lobsters1 is applying for a Job at Wendy's but first he will have to track down and kill all of the people who saw him drink Beer when he was younger.  It will take a lot of Time and Effort but you can't be too careful these Days.  Another guy applied for a Job at Wendy's and when they found out  and when they found out that he drank a lot of Beer Thirty Years Ago  they made Chili out of him.  Lobsters1 knew another guy who drank a lot of Beer  in High School and when he heard  this guy was Testifying to the " Did You Drink A Lot Of Beer?  That Is A Yes Or No Question!" Commitee to get a Job at Wendy's  Lobsters1 made Chili out of the Sorry Bastard   to spare him the trouble.  But then Lobsters forgot to bring Crackers and Hot Sauce  when he served it to the Commitee  and they made Hamburger Patties out of his Head "You wouldn't believe how much Money I save on Anti Depressents and Tooth Paste!"

"Are you now, or have you ever been, a BEER DRINKER!?!"

If they can't get you for Collusion they will go after you for Obstruction. If they can't get you for Sexual Assault they will go after you for Drinking A Lot Of Beer. If they can't get you for doing a Lousy Stand Up Comedy Act they will go after you for doing a Lousy Comedy Pod Cast.  No wait - They DID get Lobsters1 for doing a Luousy Stand Up Comedy Act. That's why he had to resort to doing a Lousy Comedy Pod Cast.  They don't even know about Lobsters1 Comedy Pod Cast, they shut his Lousy Stand Up Comedy Act down so effectively they think he Died Twenty Years Ago.  Have you heard that Pod Cast?  Maybe he did Die Twenty Years Ago. "The Devil Is A Sissy" -  When There's No More Room In Hell The Dead Won't Have Anything To Do But Start A Lousy Comedy Pod Cast.

 

www.thedevilisasissy.com

"I don't know about you, but I'm ready for it to be Monday."

Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top has put out another Solo Album. How long has it been since the last ZZ Top Album?  Lobsters1 isn't doing a Comedy Bit here - Seriously, how long has it been since the last ZZ Top Album?  Lobsters1 has no sense of Humor about this.  What's the deal, Billy Gibbons? Nobody wants your stupid Solo Albums!  We want ZZ Top Albums!  No, Lobsters1 isnt going to do a Silly Comedy Bit where Billy Gibbons says a lot of stupid stuff and it's supposed to be funny!  Nobody listens to Billy Gibbons Solo Albums!  We want to listen to a new ZZ Top Record!  Lobsters1 has an idea for a Comedy Bit  about Billy Gibbons making a Record  with Yoko Ono but he is too pissed off to work on it.  Lobsters1 wants a new ZZ Top Record, not a Billy Gibbons Record with Yoko  . . . Oh, Lobsters1 broke his hand banging on the table  . . . We'll be back in a minute . . . Ow!

A least in the Sixties a guy could go to Vietnam and get away from your bullshit for a little while . . .

Beer Sales all over the USA skyrocketed after Brett Kavanaugh's Testimoney in the Senate Committee Hearing Thursday "Mobs of People came in here all at once! Bought every Beer in the place!" By Saturday Morning there wasn't a single Can or Bottle of Beer to be found anywhere in America.  Oddly enough, none of the Beer Drinkers appeared to be intoxicated, they just walked around mumbling "But there's no evidence . . . What the Hell is going on?"  Fortunately, the News Media told the Public that that the Dead had come back to Life and were eating the Living so all of the Beer Drinkers were shot and thrown into bonfires by Saturday Night. Lobsters1 said "Oh, so it's up to us on Anti Depressants to shoot ourselves? Cause this Supreme Court stuff is a fuckin' bummer, man. Will you be nice enough to throw us into bonfires too? Can we have our own bonfires? I don't be in a stupid Beer Drinker's bonfire. You know, like on 'The Walking Dead' when Glenn insisted that the people who were killed by the zombies got a seperate bonfire from the bonfire for the zombies?" "Yeah! And Daryl called him a 'Chinaman'!" "Yeah!" "But there's no evidence . . . " "Oh, shit! We missed one!" "What the Hell is -" BANG! "Good Shot, Rick!" "None of this is 'Good'." "Oh, Shut up!"  

SOMETHING NEW FOR AMERICA TO BITCH ABOUT!

Some people are saying that Maroon 5 can't do the Super Bowl Halftime Show because they are white. Everybody else is saying Maroon 5 can't do the Super Bow Half Time Show because they are Really God Damn Lousy. My Goodness, you let Maroon 5 do the Half Time Show and next Year the Red Hot Chili Peppers wil . .  What? No way!  Really? You're messing with me. Get outta here!  Has Cheap Trick ever Played in the Super Bowl Half Time Show?  Everybody Loves Cheap Trick!  Lobsters1 used to Play Cheap Trick CDs at his old Warehouse job, everybody was happily packing up Boxes and shipping them out . . . "Hey, where are all my Cheap Trick CDs?" "Well, one went in a Box to Cleveland, one went in a Box to Chicago, and all the rest went in a Box to Hong Kong!""After I was nice and polite during all those fucking Public Enemy CDs!?! I'm taking back all those Fist Bumps!" And then Lobsters1 woke up in a Box to . . . Wherever the Hell he is right now. This place sucks.

 

And That's All The Super Bowl Half Time Show Comedy For Today!  Join Us Again On Super Bowl Sunday To Watch Maroon 5 Get Packed Up In A Box And Sent To . . . Who  cares . . .

"Gene, yu think it's possible to trim the hair on your stomach so it looks like you've got Epic Abs?" "Paul! That is the first idea you've had since 1976!" "Well, it ain't exactly the Drums rising up on hydraulics while bombs go off but, what the Hell . . ." Meanwhile, Ace and the Monkey who used to play the Drums prepare to dig tin cans out of the garbage . . .

KISS has announced ANOTHER Farewell Tour! Guess that FIRST Farewell Tour was just Farewell to Ace Frehley and . . . Uh . . That dumb ass Drummer. Maybe this Farewell Tour is Farewell to  those assholes dressed up like Ace Frehley and . . . What's His Face.  Maybe this is KISS's way of getting rid of those assholes and finding a couple of dudes who are kind of Cool  to dress up like Ace and . . .  Somebody Google that retard's name.  Eh, who cares about KISS - When is Aerosmith going to leave us alone?  Why was Aerosmith on the MTV Awards? Tiffany Haddish had to put up with Kevin Hart AND Aerosmith? Why you gotta Cloud Up that Girl's Day In The Sun!? Why not throw in the Monguloid who used to Play Drums in KISS and really annoy  the Poor Woman?  "Hey, Tiffany, I used to Play Drums in KISS!" "Leave me alone, I'm trying to figure out a way out of 'Girl's Trip 2'!"  Aerosmith on the MTV Awards! That's enough to make a KISS Farewell Tour look really Cool. 

Lobsters1 went from the KISS Farewell Tour to Tiffany Haddish on the MTV Awards? Not a Good Sign, Tiff!

A KISS Farewell Tour couldn't possibly be worse than that Replacements Reunion

Bob wants to know why Paul and Tommy didn't ask him to play on their stupid fuckin' reunion tour "I can play that 'You Be Me For A While And I'll Be There For You' bullshit!"

ANOTHER LOBSTERS1 CRISIS!

Lobsters1 wound up lying flat on the floor crying like a little bitch  with DEHYDRATION. Hold on a sec . . . (Drinks from Bottle of Water) "I hate this shit! It's not even fizzy!" Lobsters1 was in the ER getting two bags of this "Water" stuff dropped into his arm through an IV - Just like on TV!  The Nurse was wearing a Rubber George Clooney Mask and the Doctor said "Hi, my name is FRANKENSTEIN! BOOGA BOOGA BOGGA!"  God was punishing Lobsters1 for all those Tony Bourdain Jokes, huh?  "Hey, I'm the only one around here that felt bad for Matthew Perry!"  You got any idea how much a guy has gotta piss once he's had one and a half bags of Water dropped into his arm? Lobsters1's dick could have dropped one and a half bags . . . Hey, remember that Comedy Bit Joseph Heller had in "Catch 22"  about the Patient who had a bottle of fluid dropped into him  and then a bottle of fluid dropped out of him  so so when the first bottle was empty and the second bottle was full they would just switch them around  and repeat the process over and over and over?  You don't remember that?  You never read "Catch 22"?  Uh . . . Lobsters1 had  a bottle of fluid dropped into him and another bottle of fluid dropped out of him so . . . Hey, screw Joseph Heller!

"Yeah, it hasn't been your Day, your Week, your Month, or even your Motherfuckin' Year! Damn, these Rembrandts Songs JAM! Let's play the one about Breakfast At Tiffany's!"

More Matthew Perry Jokes - Cause He's There For You, Too!

Ted Nugent heard that Matthew Perry was having a rough time  and Wrote a bunch of Songs to cheer him up. Ted is a Nice Man with a lot of Time on his hands cause every one is kind of sick of him.  Izzy from Guns N' Roses heard that Ted Nugent was having a rough time and Wrote a bunch of Songs to cheer him up,  Izzy is a Nice Man with a lot of time on his hands cause Axl and Slash froze him out of the Guns N' Roses Reunion.  Bobct Goldthwaite heard that Izzy was having a rough time and Wrote a bunch of really shitty Stand Up Comedy Routines to cheer him up.  Izzy stopped Writing Songs to cheer Ted Nugent up long enough to tell Bobcat Goldthwaite "Man, I don't want to know about that crap" Bobcat Goldthwaite could be diagnosed with Rhino Butt Cancer  and no one would give a damn. There is a rare kind of Cancer that no one but Rhinos ever get and when Rhinos do get this Cancer they get it in the Butt.  Science has looked into the problem and when Science was finished being really grossed out  Science concluded that if any Human Being ever got Rhino Butt Cancer it ought to be Bobcat Goldthwaite - "Because that guy SUCKS".  But it would be awful if Matthew Perry ever got Rhino Butt Cancer because Matthew Perry has been through enough. Ted Nugent? Haven't you ever heard his first Solo Album after he split up The Amboy Dukes? The one with "Stranglehold"?  That Album is The Best! No Rhino Butt Cancer for Ted!  Izzy? How can you talk about such a thing?  But Bobcat Goldthwaite?  That Rhino's Butt got Cancer with Bobcat's Name on it!

 

Subliminal Message - Lobsters1 does not like Bobcat Goldthwaite

Matthew Perry in Happier Days "'Happy Days'? I don't remember being on that Show! I must have been WASTED! Did I play Chachi?"

If Matthew Perry wound up in the Hospital with a Hole in his Digestive System Tim Allen must have wound up in the Hospital with a Hole in his Head. Ha Ha. That was a Tim Allen Joke.  People are jealous of Tim Allen because he became a hugely successful Comedian without being in the least bit funny.  Lobsters1 isn't in the least bit funny but it is cool because he is in the gutter dying of malnutrition. "Makes sense to me!" But Tim Allen is in a Mansion the size of Oklahoma and spends more Money on a Box of Toothpicks than you will earn in your entire Life.  And Tim Allen was in Prison a long Time ago.  Tim Allen was in Prison Before "Home Improvement". You would think Tim Allen would have been in Prison AFTER "Home Improvement", but . . .  Was Matthew Perry ever in Prison? Hey, that would be a good idea for a Comedy Bit - Matthew Perry in Prison with Ross and Joey as his Wacky Cellmates and and three pathetic Prison Drag Queen Punks as Pheobe, Rachel, and . . . Wow, that is depressing. We should get those three miserable Kids who played Tim Allen's Sons on "Home Improvement" to play the pathetic Prison Drag Queen Punks pretending to be Pheobe . . . Can we stop this now?

POOR MATTHEW PERRY!!! In the Hospital for Three Months with a HOLE in his Digestive System! Was there ever an episode of "Friends" where Chandler was in the Hospital for Three Months with a hole in his Digestive System? 

"Mister Bing, we're not going to let yor Friend  Ross come in to visit you any more."

"Why? What did he do?"

"We're not allowed to talk about such an activity on Prime Time Television."

Joey comes in wearing Surgical Scrubs.

"Hey, Chandler! Look at me! I'm on 'M*A*S*H! Suicide is painless!"

"I just might give that a try!"

Tom Petty comes in.

"Wow, it's the Nineties so I'm still alive!"

Tommy Chong comes in.

"Hey, I just got a job on on a Show called 'That Seventies Show'! Hey, man, are you that guy on 'M*A*S*H'? Suicide is pointless!"

No, there was not an episode of "Friends" where that happened.

Lobsters1 drinks some more coffee.

Tom Petty leaves "I've got to go Write some tedious Songs."

Tommy Chong advises Tom Petty not to Record that shit about "Oh, my my! Oh, Hell yes! Got to put on that Party Dress!" "Lobsters1 will hear that on the Juke Box at the Waffle House one night and decide he really hates you!"

George Clooney walks in. Everybody tells him to fuck off.

Lobsters1 would have been better off without that last drink of Coffee.

 

 

Matthew Perry is clearly a very unhappy person. Fortunately he is very Rich and Successful so we don't have to feel sorry for him. If Matthew Perry is this much of a mess  after Starring in one of the most popular TV Comedy Shows  of all Time  being an unsuccessful  Stand Up Comic with a Comedy Pod Cast that no one listens to and a Comedy Blog that no one reads  would have certainly killed him.  (Lobsters1 checks to make sure that he is still alive. es, unfortunately Lobsters1 is still alive) But what can we do to help Matthew Perry?  To Hell with Matthew Perry, what can we do to Help Lobsters1?  Listen to his Comedy Pod Cast?  Screw that!  Read his Comedy Blog?  Is ANYBODY reading Lobsters1's Comedy Blog right now?  Probably not. This would be a good Time to reveal that Lobsters1 killed the Black Dahlia.  Nobody dumb enough to be reading this has any idea  who The Black Dahlia is. Or was.  No, Matthew Perry, the Black Dahlia is not the name of a Drink  they serve in some Bar on the Sunset Strip.  That's what you can do to help Matthew Perry - Next Time you're in a Bar on the Sunset Strip and you find Matthew Perry passed out in the Men's Room drag him outside and leave him out on the sidewalk to rot.  That isn't doing very much for Matthew Perry  but it does a lot for America.  Oh, next Time  you're in that Bar  and you find America passed out in the Men's Room  stick it's head in the Toilet and flush it so you give America a "Swirlie". But don't do that to Matthew Perry. He has enough problems.

"You Hang In There, Matthew Perry! AMERICA LOVES YOU!!!!"

"The Blue Oyster Cult Fans are displeased and now you must PAY!" "Hey, no problem! Go ahead and throw that kid in the fire, I don't even know the Little Cry Baby Bitch!"

Okay! Okay! Okay! Lobsters1 took that Comedy Bit about Blue Oyster Cult down from the friggin' Blog!  Damn! Everybody knows that Rock N' Roll Fans can be kinda touchy about what you say about their Favorite Bands but - Jesus Christ!  You can be more disrespectful of Jesus Christ than you can about Blue Oyster Cult!  Wise guys all over the place say all kinds of Krazy and Kooky stuff about Jesus Christ and "Oh! Ha Ha Ha!  You are OUTTA CONTROL!!!"  But try getting a little Kooky and Krazy about Blue Oyster Cult and and WHOA!!! You've got Blue Oyster Cult Fans coming at you lke  the 101st Screamin' Eagles Airborne Division Parachuting into Normandy on D-Day!  And that's not just a Joke - Blue Oyster Cult actually has an entire Division of Highly Trained Combat Ready  Fans who will throw themselves out of Airplanes right there where you are sitting around being all Kooky and Krazy about Blue Oyster Cult. It was inevitable . Most Rock Stars spend all their Money on Mansions and Cars and Drugs but Blue Oyster Cult has their own Private Army! And Rumor has it - They've got a Navy! A God Dam Blue Oyster Cult Navy! Yuk Yuk Yuk! Blow me down!  Tom Clancy Wrote a Nine Hundred Page Book about it but the Publisher said "Can you Write a Book about maybe Bruce Springsteen having a Private Army?" and Tom Clancy just went Home and Wrote a bunch of stuff about Submarines that will confuse the Daylights out of Lobsters1.  Anyway, Blue Oyster Cult, you're damn Lucky Ted Nugent is too busy Huntin' and Fishin' and Trappin' to . . .  Oh, EVERYBODY is Lucky Ted Nugent is too busy to Train all of his Fans - "Hey,  How about a Nine Hundred Page Book about  Ted Nugent with a Submarine?"  Oh, God! Tom Clancy? Are you still here?

"Welcome to Dippitty Doo Do Nuts! My Name is Tony Bourdain! How can I help you?"

Does Larry David still do that Stand Up Bit where he says "I hate Women! They're so effeminate! They're like fags!" That might bother people nowadays.  Maybe they let him get away with that  because he's The "Seinfeld" Guy.  Seinfeld couldnt get away with that but  maybe The "Seinfeld" Guy could get away with that.  George on "Seinfeld" was based on Larry David, The "Seinfeld" Guy.  Was there an episode of "Seinfeld" where George said "I hate Women! They're so effeminate! They're like fags!" Maybe George could have said that could have said that on "Seinfeld"  when it was on NBC  back in The Old Days but they have certainly cut it out of the episode to show it today in Syndication.  Like they had to edit that episode  where Kramer called a couple of Black Guys  . . . Well, you know.  Remember that episode where Eaine into that rant about Mexicans?  It was on TBS the othe day  and it was only Two Minutes Long.  Lobsters1 said "Where's the scene where Newman  went to the Burrito place  and threw a table through  the front window?  That was funny!  It was a different World. Lobsters1 blames George Lopez. Lopez seems like he needs something to help him feel better and Lobsters1 is in a generous mood. It's like The Alamo never happened!  Maybe Larry David does that "They're like fagd!" bit  on that "Curb Your Enthusiasm" thing.  Lobstes1 never watched that because Richard Lewis is on it. Right there on the DVD Case  "WARNING - RICHARD LEWIS IS IN THIS!" "Whoa! Thanks!"

"I've got a new script about a Comedian who is a Sex Offender." "A Sex Offender? Uh . . . Is he Gay?" "Gay?" "If he's Gay you've a Deal." "He's Gay. I already told you that, right? He's Gay!" "Here's Twenty Million Dollars."

Lobsters1 spent 9/11 worrying about Louis CK's career. You think Louis CK wasn't onstage that night at The Comedy Cellar talking about his dick because of Islamic Terrorism? YOU ASSHOLE! Louis CK was all alone in his Mansion with The Biggest Pornography Collection in the North American Continent because of You and Me, man! YOU AND ME! How could Donald Trump pump his fists in Pennsylvania on the Anniversary of The Worst Terror Attack in US History when "I Love You Daddy" isn't available on DVD? Louis CK doesn't even have a Show on FX anymore? It's the Third Reich all over again! First they came for Bill Cosby, then they came for Louis CK, and now they're coming for the United States Constitution! Oh, yeah - Today you are Free to talk about how  you support Serena Williams and Hate the Cops but is Louis CK going to do a Show Tonight in front of Ten Thousand Drunk Guys at Fifty Dollars a head? If the Answer is "No" it's Time to take The Streets, Man! TAKE THE STREETS!!!

"Wait a Minute . . . Is this a Dream and I'm Sick or is this Real and I'm Dead?"

Every time Lobsters1 is sick he has really disturbing Dreams.  The other Night he had a Dream that so horrible  he thought "Oh, yeah,  I'm Sick all right!  I am gonna feel SO BAD when I wake up! Maybe if I'm Lucky I won't wake up  . . . Oh, Boy. I'm in Trouble . . . Uh Oh! . . . "

"And now the Guys in my Car Pool won't give me a Lift to Work! How am I gonna pay to be Embalmed if I can't get to Work?"

"Hey, Life is for the Living, ya friggin' LOSER!"

"Show some RESPECT! That Man Wrote for THE NATIONAL LAMPOON when he was in High School!"

"That Lobsters1 was one Good Looking Man before he died and started to decompose!"

"Stupid Blog Blog Face Lobster Man no look good! Monkey Man! Monkey Man eat banana up in Tree! You Dead! Ha Ha! Who got Coke? Coke! Who got Coke!? PARTY!"

"Bai Ling? Bai . . . Oh, it was all a DREAM! Where am I?"

"Dance - That will be my Ticket to Immortality!"

Every Year Glenn Beck Auditions for "Dancing With The Stars". Well, he doesnt really "Audition". He breaks into the Producer's House, says "Look! The Twist!" and jumps around for a moment before he falls down and has to be taken to the Hospital. Last Year he said "Look! The Robot!" and jumped around for a moment before he fell down and had to be taken to the Hospital. This Year he said "Look! That thing where I jump around for a moment, fall down, and have to be taken to the Hospital!" and he flew up into Outer Space and Orbited the Earth Five Hundred times "Wow! Maybe I'll put him on the Show . . . Naah."

I want to see Kamala Harris come out from behind that desk and bust some Michelle Obama Moves! WHOA! Put on an Aretha Franklin Record! "Have you ever felt like a Natural Woman? Yes or No?  Do you to the best of your Memory recall having ever felt like a Natural Woman?  Be careful how you answer!" FUNKY!

"Wha . . . Conan is on TBS?!? What happened?"

The Hurricane is probably gonna mess up Lobsters1's Server so if there's no new Comedy Bits on the Blog for a Day or two just drink a lot of Beer and  watch a bunch of Jerry Lewis Movies. The Good Stuff like "The Big Mouth", "Hook, Line, And Sinker", and "Which Way To The Front". And Listen to some Boston Spaceships Records!

 

Thanks!

Some People say you've got to Die someday. I've got News - You never got to Go!

She's The Nicest Girl In The World and Lobsters1 LOVES her!

"Stupid Blog Blog Face! Everybody know you Love me Bai! Ha Ha!" I thought it was going to be just some stupid Vampire Movie on the Sci Fi Channel. But then . . . I SAW YOU!!!! MY LIFE IS RUINED!!!! "Ha Ha, Stupid Blog Blog Face Love me Bai and me don't give shit! Ha Ha!"

"Hey, Lobsters1, what's your Comedy Podcast about this Week?" You know, Lobsters1 has been doing his  "The Devil Is A Sissy" Comedy Pod Cast for YEARS and no one has ever asked him "Hey Lobsters1, what's your Comedy Pod Cast about this Week?"  The only inquiry he's ever gotten about the Pod Cast is "Are you still doing that 'The Devil In Mississippi' shit?You gave that up and went back to drinking beer all night, right?"  Uh . . . No. (Drinks Eighth Beer of the Evening, vomits) This Week on "The Devil Is A Sissy"  - "Lobsters1 Starts A Comedy Group" When Lobsters1 was a kid thinking about Comedy  he always thought he'd be in a Comedy Group like The Firesign Theater, The State, or Broken Lizard.  Yeah, The State and Broken Lizard didn't happen until ater Lobsters1 was an adult without anybody that was involved in The State or Broken Lizard  asking Lobsters1 to join the Group  because none of those people thought Lobsters1 was funny enough to . . .  (Drinks Ninth Beer, falls down, and breaks shoulder) Lobsters1 is funnier than anybody in The State or Broken Shoulder! I mean, Broken Lizard! SHIT! Stupid Firesign Theater  with their "Inspiring  Lobsters1 To Waste His Life On That Comedy Shit"!  (Drinks Tenth Beer, runs around the Neighborhood yelling about  killing The Kids In The Hall, and gets arrested)

 

www.thedevilisasissy.com

Lobsters1's Comedy Group The Dorky Dozen was not a success

"Trip" on that "Far Out" "Psychedelic" "Groove", ya Big Dumb Freaks"!

There should have been an episode of "Davey And Goliath" where Davey and Goliath raged Holy War on Gumby and Pokey and kicked their Druggy Tripped Out asses. Gumby and Pokey are being all Far Out and Groovy  Tripping on Acid and listening to "Pet Sounds" when all of a sudden Christian Cartoon Commandos Davey and Goliath burst in and  and squeeze those degenerates Gumby and Pokey through a Play Doh  Fun Factory and re mould them into a Baptismal Font and . . . Uh . . . Another Baptismal Font! If you think a couple of Baptismal Fonts wouldn't make for amusing and entertaining Saturday Morning Animation Fun you'd best find yourself a real Baptismal Font and gets to DUNKIN'!  Eh, talkin' to you is a waste of Time!

Eh, you just had to bring up "Pet Sounds", didn't you?

John McCain died but, don't worry, there won't be any horrible Jokes about that on the Blog. Lobsters1 is saving all that stuff for when he gets back to Work "Hey, guys! John McCain died Blah Blah Blah Ha Ha Ha! What's the matter? Do I smell bad? I always smell bad! They sell Blue Oyster Cult Fan Club Cologne by the case! Hey, here's another one - John McCain died Blah Blah Blah Ha Ha Ha! Why are you looking at me like that? I didn't say anything about your Wife dumping ou! I only do Jokes about that when I'm with your Wife! Here's something to cheer your stupid ass up - John McCain died Blah Blah Blah Ha Ha Ha! Hey, I got Freedom Of Speech!" Lobsters1 puts on a Springsteen Record, makes an Abraham Lincoln hat out of a wastepaper basket, and does a Frank Sinatra "From Here To Eternity" Monologue. "I won't crack! John McCain never cracked! Well, not until he ran for President!" Hand To Hand Combat breaks out - But first "Do you have any Hand Sanitizer?" Lobsters1 pulls together a bunch of desks and file cabinets to build a Fort. His Co Workers lay siege with catapults and battering rams "Oh, so that's why you never gave me to the key to the Equipment Room!" Lobsters1 pours vats of boiling oil on them "Okay, it's just a couple of cups of hot coffee but Pretend Time never ends in a World where John McCain is a Big Deal! Defeat me! Beat me! Come on, eat me!"

Lynyrd Skynyrd Live In Concert! Actually it's a Picture of The J Geils Band but it's got Playboy Bunnies so Lobsters1 likes it.

Another Lynyrd Skynyrd guy Died so we have to listen to a bunch of assholes yell at us about "Sweet Home Alabama" again. Hey, they were a bunch of guys from Alabama so they Wrote a Song about Alabama. What, they were supposed to pretend to be from some Goody wo Shoes place like Massachusetts?

 

Sweet Home Massachusetts

Where the Civil War Uniforms are Blue

Sweet Home Massachusetts

Lord, I'm . . . Sorry about that "Lord"! Sure hope I didn't offend anybody!

 

And don't forget the George Wallace bit -

 

In Birmingham they're a bunch of Nazis

Boo Hoo Hoo

So we went down there and killed everybody

I hope Neil Young will remember

To Write Ten Million Songs about going down there and killing everybody

 

And "Free Bird" would be "Free Lunch"! Ha! Screw anybody that doesn't like Skynyrd. I bet they don't even have any Corpsegrinders Records!

I'll Say She Is

Danny Boyle Quit Directing The Next James Bond Movie After An Argument With Daniel Craig

"Is it true you were Rosario Dawson's Boyfriend?" asked Daniel Craig.

 

"Yes, I was." said Danny Boyle.

 

"You were not"

 

"Yes, I was"

 

"You were not!"

 

"Yes, I was!"

 

"You were not!

 

"Yes, I was!"

 

"You were not!"

 

"Yes, I . . . I don't have to take this. Get some one else to Direct your dumb James Bond Movie! Good Bye!"

 

Craig watches Boyle leave.

 

"He was never Rosario Dawson's Boyfriend!"

 

"Yes, he was!" says Idris Elba "I read about it in the Magaznes!"

 

"Idris Elba? What are you doing here?"

 

"I'm going to Play James Bond in this Miove."

 

"Somebody else tell him. I'm not going to tell him!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"The Big Bang Theory" is going off the air  because now that Post Malone is here The Good People have too much to be pissy about.  If those Sensitive Gits have to be all snippy and bitchy about  "The Big Bang Theory"  AND Post Malone  they would turn into such insufferable bitches  it would be impossible for them to be enthusiastic be about  . . . Whatever the Hell those horrible people are  into these days. That Mueller guy, probably. But the Media is controlled by  those creeps  so "The Big Bang Theory" has got to go!  Oh, sorry if mentioning Post Malone in this bit upset anybody.  Lobsters1 doesn't even know what Post . . . The Post thing is.  It drives assholes CRAZY!  Watch this . . . POST MALONE POST MALONE POST MALONE . . . Uh oh! Call out the National Guard! Do we even have the National Guard any more? They had to get rid of it when NBC gave "The Tonight Show" back to Jay Leno, right?

Yeah, it's a TERRIBLE Show!

"I don't know why Tiffany Kaddish couldn't just Host the MTV Awards herself without that damn Kevin Hart!" "Oh, Kevin Hart is DELIGHTFUL!" "SHUT UP, PINHEAD!!!"

It's so exciting that Kevin Hart has FINALLY come out against Trump! If he had done that Two Years Ago Hillary Clinton would be President right now!

 

"Who is Hillary Clinton?"

 

Shut up, Kevin Hart.

Watch what you say about Kevin Hart

"That Pinhead guy from 'Hellraiser' is behind all this! Pinhead! Hey, Pinhead! Get your silly ass in here!"

The Dictators Live In Concert! Actually it's a Picture of The J Geils Band but it has Playboy Bunnies so Lobsters1 likes it.

Why the Hell don't People listen to The Dictators? The Dictators are one of The Best Bands Ever but you're all sitting around listening to to . . . What, Taylor Swift? Hey, guys in The Dictators! Lobsters1 likes you bastards so much he's gonna go to Taylor Swift's House, burn it down to the ground, and . . . 

 

"Uh . . . Lobsters1, don't do that!"

 

Huh? Hey, Wow! The Dictators!

 

"Don't do anything to Taylor Swift because of us!"

 

"We've already got enough problems!"

 

Aw. Come on! Let's all go burn down Taylor Swift's House! It'll be FUN!

 

"You're on your own with that!"

 

Aw, you guys!

 

"We ought to notify Taylor Swift. Her Security People should be on the Look Out for this guy."

 

"Yeah."

 

You guys are ASSHOLES!!!

 

"Hey, Lobsters1 . . . "

 

YOU SUCK!!!

 

"Let's kick his ass!"

 

"Yeah, why not?"

 

"If we beat him up enough Taylor Swift won't have anything to worry about, huh?"

 

"Maybe we'll get a Reward!"

 

"Yeah!"

 

AW, THE DEAD BOYS WERE BETTER THAN YOU  BUMS EVER WERE ANYWAY!!!

Instead of "All The Young Dudes" and "All The Way To Memphis" a Band with a Name like Mott The Hoople should have had Songs like "All The Yott Doops" and "All The Wott To Moopis".

Are they still doing that Sirius Radio crap? How much longer until Howard Stern retires and that mess goes out of Business? Let's see what those disgusting pigs are up to right now . . .

 

Artie Lange : There are some nice fleas on Opie over here!

 

Jim Norton : Opie? Opie's got some nice fleas?

 

Opie : Artie's got some nice fleas, too!

 

Jim Norton : Artie's always got nice fleas!

 

Artie Lange : Have I mentioned that I am a Heroin Addict any time in the past fifteen seconds?

 

Nick DePaulo : TRANNIES!!!

 

Opie : I videotaped a guy taking a dump!

 

Jim Norton : Did these fleas come off of Anthony or the Barstool Sports guy?

 

Opie : You want to watch my video of a guy taking a dump?

 

Michael Rappaport : YO!!!

Andrew Cuomo flushed his Political Future down the Toilet with that "America Was Never That Great" bit  so now he's going around talking about  how "Working for a Living is for Suckers!" and "Next Time you see a Cop walk up to him and piss on his Shoes!"  Smooth,  Andrew! Smooth!  And now that other  Cuomo Chris is on CNN  trying to explain Andrew's BS "Other Cuomo Andrew talk make sense! America never no good!  Me wet Bed! House smell BAD! CUOMO!" How many of those Cuomos re there? Is Mario Cuomo Dead? Cuomos are so dumb they didn't bury him.  He's rotting in his Favorite Chair. Chris brings him a Banana "You want Banana, Stinky Mario? Banana? Banana change color like you!"  Andrew rolls in on Toy Dump truckfull of Spaghetti, crashes into the Wall, cracks his skull, yells "Toilet flushing dumb!" and passes out. Seriously, man, those guys are Monkeys.

Let's Talk About GIRLS!

Lobsters1 would probably be able to tell the difference between Anna Kendrick and Aubrey Plaza but there's no possibilty of him meeting either one  so to Hell with em. Years ago when that "Charlie's Angels" Movie  came out Lobsters1 knew exactly which one was Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, and Lucy Lui  but what good did all that Research and Study do him?  Never ran into a single one of em!  "Charlie's Angels" was an even bigger waste of Lobsters1's Time than High School!  Anna Kendrick and Aubrey Plaza?  What was the point of dropping out of College  if Lobsters1 is going to  to to do all the Homework it would take to know which one is Anna Kendrick and which one is Aubrey Plaza?  Let them worry about Lobsters1!  When Lobsters1 was in Junior High School  he finally caught on that Steven Tyler wasn't Freddie Mercury  and now he knows that Steven Tyler should have Died and Freddie Mercury  should still be around. Freddie wouldn't be making no Country Records! "Inquiring Minds want to know"?  Inquiring Minds can go jump in a fuckin' Lake!

A Lobsters1 Sleepy Dream . . .

Bob Newhart has a Dog and a Monkey.  Bob and the Dog are worried about the Monkey who is Sick.  There is a Jungle right behind Bob's House  and he puts on his Pith Helmet  to journey through the Foliage to a Jungle Stream and fill up the Monkey's Drinking Bowl  with that Good Good Jungle Water.  The Dog watches through the Window approvingly while the Monkey sits in a High Chair with a Thermometer in his Mouth.  Lobsters1 woke up at this point in the Dream  but there can be no doubt that everything Worked Out ALL RIGHT!!!

Another Doctor Lobsters1 Discovery!

If you are making Instant Coffee and hold the Packet of Coffee too close to the Cup Of Hot Water  the Steam will turn the Powdered Coffee into GUNK  and it will be impossible to get it out of the Packet and into the Water!

 

I AM A SCIENTIST!

Didja know that Bob Mueller had his SEVENTY FOURTH BIRTHDAY just now? Can you believe it? He doesn't look a Day over Twenty One!  What a Dream Boat!  "Dream Boat"? Make that "Dream Love Boat"! Love, exciting and new . . .

 

"Hey, Lobsters1, here is a Subpeona from the Mueller Investigation . . . "

 

"He's immune to Flattery, huh?  What a JERK! My only hope is a Presidential Pardon.  Put up a Picture of Trump and I'll go into my 'Dream Love Boat' Routine. Aw, screw him! Let's look at Allyssa Milano!"

Should that "Info Wars" guy be banned from Twitter?  Lobsters1 got kicked off of Twitter  for going up to people who did not like his Tweets and screaming at them until he broke down crying "FINE! GREAT! I DON'T CARE! I'm gonna go off and start me a BLOG!!!  I'LL SHOW YOU!!!"  And he sure showed them, right?  Right? RIGHT!?!  Where are you right now? Lobsters1 is going to go up to you and scream at you until he breaks down crying.  Where are you right now? Stay right there!  Lobsters1 will be there in about an Hour.  Maybe an Hour and a Half. Be out in the Parking Lot where he can find you. Thank You.

Lobsters1 bought a 3-D Printer so he could make John Leguizamo "Land Of The Dead" Action Figures, he had no idea you could make GUNS with the crazy thing!  Now Lobsters1 is in an Apartment full of John Leguizamo "Land Of The Dead" Action Figures that nobody wants when if you guys had let him in on the Gun thing he would be King Of The Wild Frontier!  Lobsters1 thought you guys were Cool but you're just a Bunch Of Jerks!

 

"You guys sat there and let me waste my Time making a bunch of Little Plastic John Leguizamos walking around with a case of Champagne  for Dennis Hopper and -"

 

"WAIT A MINUTE! That's a case of Champagne for Dennis Hopper!?!"

 

"Yeah."

 

"THAT IS SO FUCKING COOL!!!  That's the Best Scene in 'Land Of The Dead'!!!"

 

"Is that why nobody wants to buy my John Leguizamo 'Land Of The Dead' Action Figures? Nobody can tell it's a case of Champagne he's carrying?"

 

"I thought it was a DVD Player or some stupid shit!"

 

"Wow!"

 

"You've got to make a bunch of Dennis Hopper 'Land Of The Dead' Action Figures so kids can hold their John Leguizamo 'Land Of The Dead' Action Figure in one hand and their Dennis Hopper 'Land Of The Dead' Action Figure in the other and  and go 'What are you doing in here?' 'Hi, Dennis Hopper! I got you a case of Champers!'"

 

"'Champers'!"

 

"It's so Cool the way he says 'Champers'!"

 

"Best thing in the whole Movie!"

 

"You'e got to quit sitting around feeling sorry for yourself  and knock out a bunch of Dennis Hopper 'Land Of The Dead Action Figures and . . . Hey! What's the matter with you?  Lobsters1! He's DEAD! I guess trying to live on a Diet of John Leguizamo 'Land Of The Dead' Action Figures wasn't a very good idea. Poor bastard .  . . " 

"Hey! I just picked the guy up and put him in my Mouth! How was I to know he was one of your SS Punks?"

Hitler LOVED "King Kong"! How depressing! It would have been better if he had really HATED it "How much longer are they gonna be on the Boat?  Talk, Talk, Talk! Stereotypical Chinese Cook!  Somebody get me a Box of Ju Ju Bees!  Jew Jew Bees?  THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!  Are you Shushing me!?! DO NOT SHUSH ME!!!  I AM DER FUHRER!!!! Oh, they finally got to Skull Island!  Good Name for an Island! I'm kidding!  'Skull Island'? THAT SUCKS!!!  AGAIN with the Shushing? Who the . . . JOE STALIN!?!  You got the wrong Theater! They're showing 'Potemkin' across the Street! They'll get to the Odessa Steps Sequence in about Ten Minutes!  Get on the Potemkin and sail to Skull Island, ya Big Dumb Communist Jerk!  When do we get to the part with the Dinosaurs?  Hurry up and make 'Night Of The Living Dead' before I fall asleep!  And Scooby Doo Cartoons! I WANT SCOOBY DOO CARTOONS!!!  Am I going to get to watch the Stereotypical Chinese Cook get eaten by a Dinosaur?  Cook us some Sweet And Sour Brontosaurus! Is there a Stereotypical Chinese Cook in 'Potemkin'?  Wake me up when we Bomb Amsterdam . . . ZZZZ . . . " "He's asleep! Put on something with wacky Jewish Vaudeville Entertainers!"

My Gawd, Tiffany Haddish has had The Worst Childhood of any Comedian since Charlie Chaplin!  If Charlie Chaplin had been an African American Woman  instead of a Fruity White Englishman  he would just DIED.  He Died anyway but if  but if Charlie Chaplin had been a Black Woman  he would have Died before he started up with all that Little Tramp bullshit.  A Black Woman who is a Little Tramp?  They would not have allowed anybody to make Silent Movies about such a thing One Hundred Years ago!  DW Griffith would have dropped Dead of a Heart Attack!  (Go look up "DW Griffith" in "The Big Book Of People You Are All Supposed To Hate" so you  so you can get the reference and feel good about yourself) If Charlie Chaplin had been a Black Woman "The Kid"  would have been . . . Never Mind. Forget Lobsters1 started that Joke.  Forget we did this whole Bit.  Probably should have done "If Buster Keaton Had Been Chinese"  instead "In 'The General' Buster Keaton played a Chinese Nationalist! He drove a Locomotive from Mainland China to Taiwan! FUCK BUSTER KEATON!!!" Oh, okay . . .

Another Triumph for the Lobsters1.com Dating Service!

The Creature in "The Creature From The Black Lagoon" is a Sight For Sore Eyes but HOT DAMN!!! How about THE GIRL in that Movie?  The Big scene where She is Swimmin' Around  while The Creature is Water Stalking Her - Lobsters1 never noticed the Dumb Creature Guy in that Scene until the Thirtieth or Fortieth Time he  saw that Movie "Huh? Hey! A FISH GUY! Has he been around all this Time?  GO FIND A MERMAID, YA SCALEY PPERV! " (Lobsters1 puts on a Videocassette of "Bye Bye Birdie"  to make sure that Creep wasn't wasn't followng Anne Margeret around all these Years "Hey! Dick Van Dyke is in this Movie?  And Paul Lynde? Does Elvis know  these guys are after Anne Margeret?  Maybe it's Elvis swimming around  in that 'Critter From The Black Lagoon'  scuba suit? If they could get Elvis to join the Army they could get him to do anything! " "Do a few 'The Shape Of Water' Jokes!" "Huh? I forgot all about that shit!"

You would have to be a former member of The Black Crowes to think this is Cool "Actually, I AM a former member of The Black Crowes!" "Really? What are you doing in here?" "I'm going to steal something so I can get some Crack." "Say 'Hi' to Artie Lange for me!"

"'The Purge'? Isnt that one of those crazy PG-13 Movies?"

Lobsters1 woke up in the middle of the night wondering if that Nice "NOBODY'S PERFECT!!!" Girl in the Insurance Commercial was also that crazy  "I WANT MY CANDY BAR!!!" Girl in "The Purge - Election Day".  What A Woman!!!  One Minute she's  The Nicest Girl In The World  selling Insurance in front of The Statue Of Liberty and then She's a Machine Gun Psycho Bitch Driving Around In A Car With Ten Million Lights All Over It . . . THIS GIRL CAN DO ANYTHING!!! Hey, Nicest Girl In The World, give us a thrill and tell us "I just took care of my Mom and Dad!" instead of "NOBODY'S PERFECT!!!!" But, speaking of Insurance, you might want to take out a "Getting Run Over By A Van And Then Getting Shot In The Face" Policy. Hey, turn The Ten Million Lights Down and take Lobsters1 for a Ride!!!!

"Richard Dawson was THE MAN!!! You see him at the end of 'King Rat'? TOTAL BAD ASS!!!"

"If James Gunn commits Suicide can I be James Gunn 2?"

Glenn Beck Suicide Watch Continues

We don't usually make Suicide Jokes here at The Lobsters1 Blog  but anything about Glenn Beck is good for a laugh  and if Glenn Beck commits Suicide it will be an All Out Laugh Riot.  Mel Brooks was funny as The Two Thousand Year Old Man  but, My God,  after Twenty Centuries of laughing it's ass off at Glenn Beck commiting Suicide the Human Race  will be so Happy  Glenn Beck the Two Thousand Year Old Suicidal Man  will be Worshipped as a God.  And isn't that what it's all about, Glenn Beck?  If L Ron Hubbard and his Scientology stuff  hadn't worked out  Glenn Beck and whatever dopey ""ology"  name he has for his shit  would have been bigger than The Beatles.  Maybe even bigger than Mel Brooks and The Two Thousand Year Old Man!  But now Glenn Beck and The Blaze . . .  That's the name of his Internet Operation. "The Blaze" I looked it up on Google.  Yeah, Glenn - Google.  An Internet Operation that actually went somewhere! Unlike The Blaze. Or The Glaze? Say, somebody check on Glenn!  Where did he go? He didn't take his Belt with him, did he?  Uh oh! Mel Brooks is still alive, right?

Everybody knows that Dario Argento, the Director of "Suspiria", has a Movie Actress Daughter named Asia Argento. But did you know that Deodato Ruggero, the Director of "Cannibal Holocaust", has an Movie Actress Daughter named Asia Ruggero?  She's here right now for an Interview AND IT'S FUCKING HORRIBLE!!!

 

Asia : Everybody get into the Hut so I can set it on Fire and watch you all BURN!!!

 

Lobsters1 : Aw, shut up! Look! I brought you a big Turtle!

 

Asia : Oh, like now I'm obliged to rip the shell off  and eat it's disgusting turtle guts! I got tired of doing that before I learned how to walk!

 

Lobsters1 : But you cut it's head off anyway.

 

Asia : I've got to do something until everybody gets into that damn Hut!

 

Lobsters1 : How come the Turtle's Head isn't snapping it's Jaws  even after it's been cut off like the Turtle's Head in the Movie?

 

Asia : That was Movie Magic, dumb ass.  I bet if you saw a Giant Monkey you would expect it to climb the Empire State Building.

 

Lobsters1 : You're a PAIN!

 

(Asia shoves a Spear into Lobsters1)

 

Lobsters1 : Owww!!

 

Asia : Now THAT'S a pain!

 

Lobsters1 : Can we end this now?

 

Lobsters1 Blog Readers : End it NOW!!!

 

Okay.

 

 

Yeah, they were just a bunch of Pittsburgh Palookas, but at least they were in the ORIGINAL "Dawn Of The Dead"

If there's one thing we can't stand around here at The Lobsters1 Blog  it's some damn fool who likes the remake of "Dawn Of The Dead". 

"So I was watching 'Dawn Of The Dead' again last night and -"

"Oh, man! That part where the guy in the Gun Shop across the Street  shoots the Zombie that looks like Jay Leno!"

The Lobsters1 Blog Gang look at each other with grim resolution.  Time to set fire to another god damn fool  and laugh at him while he runs around Burnin' And Yellin'! Yellin' And Burnin'!

"So, like I was saying, I watch  watching 'Dawn Of The Dead' again -"

"Oh, man! That part where the guy who plays the Dad on 'Modern Family' turns into a Zombie and -"

Yellin' And Burnin'! Burnin' And Yellin'!

Stupid remake ain't even got BIKERS! Get the Hell outta here with that Movie!

"And everybody in that 'Night Of The Living Dead' remake can go suck an egg! Except for Patricia Tallmen, of course. She's AWESOME!" "Harry, are you talking about that Redhead in the remake again?" "GET BACK IN THE BASEMENT, HELEN!!!"

Good Reason To Hate The "Dawn Of The Dead" Remake #782

The Crazy Guy who played Max Headroom  is in the "Dawn Of The Dead" remake as some poor bastard who who finds that he is about to turn into a Zombie.  Lobsters1 saw this and was Dancing up and down the Aisle  of the Theater Singing  "We're gonna get to see the Crazy Max Headroom Guy  turn into a Zombie!  We're gonna get to see the Crazy Max Headroom Guy turn into a Zombie! La La La! Come on, Losers! Get up and do the 'Max Headroom's Gonna Turn Into A Zombie' Dance!  La La La!"  But those "Dawn Of The Dead" remake retards let us down!  Oh, the Max Headroom Guy turned into a Zombie allright - OFFSCREEN!!!  They cut to the empty hallway outside the room, we hear the Max Headroom guy growl, there's a gun shot, and the Director says "Don't worry, folks! There's gonna be  be a Zombie that looks like Jay Leno in a few minutes! " RIP OFF!!! There ain't "cut to the empty hallway outside the room" in the Original "Dawn Of The Dead"!  Does George Romero cut to the stupid hallway outside the stupid room  when Roger turns into a Zombie and Peter has to shoot him?  No, he does not.  That's why the Original "Dawn Of The Dead"  is so Great, it doesn't need  any Zombies that look like Jay Leno to Amaze And Delight.  "The remake of 'Dawn Of The Dead' should have had a Zombie that looked like David Letterman!"  Who said that!?! Who said that!?!  Get the fuck away from this Blog!  Get out of here before we cut to the stupid hallway outside of the stupid room and . . . At least the "Day Of The Dead" remake has Mena Suvera! You know, Mena Suvera. The Hot Chick in "American Beauty".  You know . . . "American Beauty". The Movie with Kevin Spacey where . . . Aw, to Hell with it. 

"Finland is BAD LUCK! Hanoi Rocks was from Finland! Ask Motley Crue about Hanoi Rocks - Finland is BAD LUCK! Vince Neil got a Raw Deal and now I'm getting a Raw Deal! FINLAND IS BAD LUCK!!!"

"Am I in 'The Graduate'?" "No, you're in 'King Kong'!" "That's too bad. If I was in 'The Graduate' I would have taken that Little Creep Benjamin to Skull Island and fed him to a Pterodactyl!"

Lobsters1 went Twenty Four Hours without taking his Meds, heard Styx on the Radio, and it was The Greatest Thing He Ever Heard!  So now he's going to go Twenty Four Days without that shit and see what happens when he hears NIGHT RANGER.  Hyuk Hyuk, Herpa Derp, Hyuk Hyuk! (Looks at Pictures of Maggie Q all Night, rips his eyeballs out at Dawn BUT HE CAN STILL SEE!!!!)

"What that 'Maggie 2' bullshit?" "Uh . . . That's 'Q', Bai. 'Maggie Q'." "Shut up make Picture of Martini Drink!" "Uh . . . That's 'Pitcher', Bai. 'Pitcher of Martinis'." "SHUT UP STUPID BLOG BLOG FACE!!!!"

For a Nazi Donald Trump sure has a Good Time slapping around Germans.  At the NATO Meeting Trump grabbed Angela Merkel by her Droopy Jowels , spun her around over his Head thirty times , and threw her at a bunch of Reporters so they all fell down like Bowling Pins.  "What is this 'Bowling Pins' of which you speak?" some European who didn't even have a Neck Tattoo inquired and Trump carved a Smiley Face into his forehead.  Well, he started out carving a Smiley Face  but halfway through his mind wandered and he started carving Stewey from "Family Guy"  onto the guy's Three Year Old Kid "Who brings a Three Year Old Kid to a NATO Meeting?" Trump sang  out "I guess if this was Thailand  you woulda brought the kid to a cave! HA!"  Hey, kid - DRAKE SUCKS! Don't Believe The Hype!"  Then Trump booted the kid into the Swimming Pool  "So what are you crying about?  The Piranha is not indiginous to the Nordic Fjord!  I'm President, you know. Look at em,  it's 2018 and they're still talking the same language as Hitler. Douchebags. Is that in 'Mein Kampf'? 'Douchebags'? Yeah, I know you're Recording this. I could give a shit." 

Robert E Bee would have fought for the Mouth! (Lobsters1 found that scribbled in his Notebook. Has no memory of Writing it. Has no idea what it means. Didn't have anything better to use in the Blog.)

"Hey, man, put on some Steppenwolf and watch me do that crazy Ally Sheedy dance, man!"

"Why is there a big empty space between the picture of Dennis Hopper and the article about that 'Breakfast Club' Song?"

 

"I don't know, man!"

 

"No one is talking to you, Dennis Hopper."

LOBSTERS1 FILM SCHOOL

THIS MONTH - 

"The Cabin By The Lake" and "The Cabin In The Woods"

 

The Ability to distinguish "The Cabin By The Lake" apart from "The Cabin In The Woods"  must be developed at all cost! Confusing "The Cabin By The Lake"  for "The Cabin In The Woods" and "The Cabin In The Woods" for "The Cabin By The Lake" can result in severe humiliation  in front of one's peers and the kind of isolation that can result in using Scuba Equipment to bring dead bodies under water and arranging them in . . . . . . NEVER HAVE I EXPERIENCED SUCH EXQUISITE CINEMA!!!! 

 

"'The Cabin By The Lake', right?"

 

RIGHT AND DOUBLE RIGHT!!!

 

"Don't forget 'Cabin Boy' Featuring the Comic Genius of Chris Elliot!" "What about 'Cabin Fever', Barry?" "TOO SPOOKY!!!"

"Wouldn't it have been GREAT if the Main Girl in 'The Cabin By The Lake' had been the Main Girl in 'The Cabin In The Woods'?"

 

"I can't stand to think about it!!!!"

 

"And don't you think Judd Nelson, in addition to being in 'The Cabin By The Lake',  should have been in 'The Cabin In The Woods' instead of that Brad Whitford guy?"

 

"Yeah! And it's Brad Whitford from 'The West Wing', not Brad Whitford from Aerosmith! SCREW THAT!"

 

"Joe Perry would have been good in 'The Cabin By The Lake' instead of Judd Nelson."

 

"Oh, Hell Yeah! Joe Perry ROCKS!"

 

"But Judd Nelson does too."

 

"Like a MOTHERFUCKER!!!!"

 

Next Month - We Thought Christopher Guest Movies Were Going To Be A Lot Better Then They Have Turned Out To Be 

CHRISTOPHER GUEST TRIVIA - Christopher Guest and Chevy Chase were College Room Mates! "Dick Cavett was our RA!"

"Christopher Guest isn't CANADIAN?!? I got more PIZZAZZ than that guy and I've been DEAD for three Days!"

"You read that 'Best In Show' Script?" "I ain't gonna be in a Movie with all them DOGS!" "To Hell with it!"

Some idiot at the BBC has declared that Monty Python is "Too White" and, to everyone's surprise, Eric Idle was not the Monty Python member to say something stupid in response. No, it was Terry Gilliam.  Isn't that depressing? After al these Years Terry Gilliam still thinks he is an actual  member of Monty Python even though he is an American  and didn't do anything but all those stupid Cartoons.  Oh, go right ahead and say something stupid about Monty Python being "Too White" , Terry Gilliam!  Nobody gives a crap about you. Eric Idle STILL hasn't said anything stupid?  Hey, somebody check on Eric Idle!  The BBC says Monty Python is "Too White" and Eric Idle hasn't said anything stupid yet!  Is he all right?  We're getting worried! Eric Idle says a lot of stupid shit but at least he's not American and did more in Monty Python than glue a lot of stupid Cartoons together.  SHUT UP, TERRY GILLIAM!  Who needs you? You're not good enough to get a Job on "South Park".  Has anybody found Eric Idle yet?  Maybe he's in that Cave in Thailand with all those kids. That's why they went down there. Because Eric Idle was doing a Little Show.  No, Terry Gilliam, don't do a Cartoon about that. Get him out of here! 

Eric Idle as John Cleese and Chevy Chase as Terry Gilliam in "The American With The Stupid Cartoons"

"That Kelly guy threw out all my Grand Funk Railroad CDs! Being President BLOWS!"

Hey, Kurt Cobain blew his Head off with a Shot Gun, Ernest Hemingway blew his Head off with a Shot Gun . . . You know, Ernest Hemingway . . . He was a Writer . . . He . . .  Hey, just a few more Decades and nobody will know who Kurt Cobain was either! That's Cool! 

"I didn't have anything to do with that Kurt Cobain - Ernest Hemingway thing! That was Lobsters1 shit! He stole it from an old Richard Lewis Cable Special.

Interesting how all the News Stories about those Thai Soccer Kids who are stuck in that Cave don't have a Single Word about the  the Dumb Ass Coach who got them into that Mess to begin with.  In Thai Language "Hey, Guys, let's all  into that Cave!" sounds really Cool.  "Hey, Guys, let's all go up in a Plane and Power Dive into the side of a Mountain!" sounds so Cool you can Dance to it. Has anybody ever seen a Shot of the Coach  in all the Video of People in that Cave?  What does a Guy look like after  after getting punched in the face and kicked in the nuts Fifty Times a Minute by a Dozen Teenagers?  He must look like Peter Frampton when he put out that Wimp Ass Album after "Frampton Comes Alive".  Wait a Minute . . . Thailand? Teenagers? Hollywood Pedophiles paid that darn Coach a Million Dollars to bring those poor kids down there to make some Horrible Porn Video!  They're down there right now hiding behind the rocks with all their equipment going "Why didn't we go to the Phillipines? Do they have caves in the Phillipines? We should have went to the Phillipines!"

At least it's not Green Day!

Bet you those Black Girls who Sing Back Up for Joe Scarborough have some really good "Singing Back Up For That Dickbag" Stories. Nobody wants to hear Joe Scarborough Sing his crappy Songs but EVERYBODY would like to hear those Black Girl's  "Singing Back Up For That Dickbag" Stories.  That would be HILARIOUS!  Those Girls would have the most popular Comedy Pod Cast on the Internet.  And not just "Singing Back Up For That Dickbag" Stories , Those Girls could tell a lot of "Mika Blutarski  Drinking Too Much Vodka  To Deal With The Misery Of Going To All Of That Dickbag's Gigs And Getting Sick All Over The Place" Stories. God, that would be FUNNY! Those Girls would . . .  Yeah, that's "Girls" instead of "Black Girls" cause "Girls" isn't racist.  Oh, it's supposed to be "Women", not "Girls"?  "Girls" is as racist as . . .  You must be the only person to ever Download a Joe Scarborough Song, right? SCRAM!!!

It's better than "Hot Tub Time Machine"! Right? Right? AW, SCREW YOUSE!!!

Why doesn't "Eurotrip" get more respect from Comedy Movie Fans?  "Eurotrip" is funnier than anything Judd Apatow ever did!  Lobsters1 isn't in LA trying to get into the Comedy Movie Business, he can say that without Fear of Retribution!  "Eurotrip" is a BILLION times funnier than any Movie Judd Apatow ever made!  Oh, someone is knocking on the Door . . .

"Hello?"

"Are you Lobsters1?"

"Are you aiming that gun at me in case I am Lobsters1?"

"Yes."

"I am Jarvis Cocker, the Lead Singer of Pulp."

Uh . . . Let me make a quick Phone Call to LA."

"Sure."

"Mister Apatow, do you hate that guy who Sings in Pulp?"

"Uh oh . . . "

"Okay! Thanks."

"What did he say?"

"He hates Pulp even more than he hates Oasis!"

"Oh."

Gunshot. The Killer exits. Lobsters1 lies on the floor bleeding to Death  and struggling to come up with a good Ending for this Bit.

"If just one Reader - Just ONE! - If just one Reader of The Lobsters1 Blog  decides to see "Eurotrip" because of my Sacrifice  it will have been worth it.  Oh, wait . . . Dying is starting to hurt.  It REALLY hurts! OW! It wasn't worth it. Ow . . . "

Ever bought a Nick Lowe Record or is Lobsters1 the only one around here with any God Damn Taste? Lobsters1 needs to know if anyboy else around here  is familiar with Nick Lowe  cause he has a vague idea for a Nick Lowe Comedy Bit - A Children's Cable Network  that's like Nickleodeon  only Nick Lowe is The Star of every  Show on the Network - Nick Lowedeon!  Get it? Nickleodeon, Nick Lowedeon? Nick Lowedeon, Nickleodeon?  Huh? Huh? YOU FUCKING MORONS!!!!  Fine! Lobsters1 will just Write a bunch of "Nose Picking" Jokes.  "Write a bunch of Jokes about Nick Lowe picking his nose!" GET YOUR ASS AWAY FROM MY BLOG! 

Mark E Smith says "Wait a minut . . . I thought you were going to do Nick Lowe Jokes? Why drag me into this? You do know that I died recently, right? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!"

Lobsters1 was a Big Fan of The Fall - That was a British Band all you American Red Hot Chili Pepper fans have never heard of - Anyway, Lobsters1 was a Big Fall Fan until he saw an Interview with Lead Singer Mark E Smith  where he was scraping his ear and examining a blob of of earwax on the tip of his finger right  in front of the Camera!  So now every time Lobsters1 listens to The Fall  he sees Mark E Smith scraping his ear and examining a blob of earwax on the tip of his finger . He puts on a Fall Record and  he does a dance where he scrapes his ear and examines the blob of earwax on the tip of his finger.  Would Today's Happening Teens consider that "Funky Fresh"? My God, what if that idiot Flea scraped his ear and examined a blob of earwax on the tip of his finger in front of a Camera?  We'd have Millions of idiot Red Hot Chili Pepper Fans  doing some Spazz Dance where they scrape their ears and . . . You know.  EE YOW!!! Good thing The Beatles never . . . Nah, I don't feel like making a Yoko Ono Joke right now.  At least if Yoko scraped a blob of wax out of her Head it would be Performance Art. Does that count as a Yoko Ono Joke? It will just have to do.

"I discovered Colin Quinn working on the Plumbing in my LA Mansion. Gave him a small part in 'Which Way To The Front' after he told me 'That your kid? You oughta kick the shit outta that punk!' That turned out to be the only funny thing the bastard ever did."

Lobsters1 was driving to Work this Morning and they Played "A Day In The Life" on the Radio. Lobsters1 pulled over, gave the Car to a Little Kid, and spent the Day in the Ditch pretending to be a rusty old Budweiser Can. Just found out the Kid Drove the Car into the River and the Cops are looking for Lobsters1. No wonder People like that Rap shit.

Played by some B-List Punk at CNN - You SUCK!

Glenn Beck threw a Hissy Fit on CNN.  Beck's . . . Whatever the Hell kind of "Business" that idiot has been trying to run  for the past few years . . .  A TV Network?  A Web Site? A bunch of losers  sitting around going  "Uh huh  . . . Uh huh . . . " while a Crazy Ass jumps up and down yelling all Day?  That last one sounds about right - Until you put it on the Radio and . . . Jesus. Anywas, it's called The Blaze and has long since gone up in a Blaze of Gasoline splashed all over the bodies of Adolf N' Eva outside the Bunker.  Beck is trying to unload his Mansion because  because the Economy is going to collapse  and "I don't want to be stuck with a huge House"  Dont worry, he doesn't mean the US Economy is going to crash,  he means the Glenn Beck Economy has already crashed.  Talks for a Buy Out from Ben Shapiro have collapsed  because one you got that damn Ben Shapiro talking  he will never SHUT UP  and isn't Beck's Life a Living Hell Already?  The only reason he agreed to do that Interview on CNN  was "CNN? That's the last place I'll have to listen to Ben Shapiro!" Eh, who is Lobsters1 to make fun of Glenn Beck?  Who is that Moron with the Pod Cast where he yells about KISS and Jerry Lewis all the Time?  THAT'S who Lobsters1 ought to be making fun of!  Oh, wait - That Moron IS Lobsters1!  Does Ben Shapiro like Jerry Lewis?  Hey, Ben, you need a New Guy to scrape Gum off of the Floor over there?  Uh huh . . . Uh huh . . . Uh huh . . . 

Whenever the topic of Immigration comes up in conversation Lobsters1 just puts on his DVD of Cheech Marin's "Born In East LA" and, just when everything falls into place . . . "HEY! Chong's not in this Movie!!!" So then Lobsters1 puts on his DVD of Tommy Chong's "Far Out Man" and . . . No, neither one of those Movies is very good but they're a lot better than talking about Immigration. "Hey! Let's watch 'The Corsican Brothers'!"  "Yeah! And the one Cheech made with Eric Roberts instead of Chong!" "'The Shrimp On The Barbie'?" "Uh . . . "

 

Don't tell Maxine Waters about this!

"You don't like 'Far Out Man'? Guess I shoulda used more of the stuff we shot with Martin Mull, huh?"

Is Martin Mull still alive? If Martin Mull is still alive he'd be a funnier Old Comedian Named Martin for Steve Martin  to do a Cornball Comedy Act  with than Martin Short.  Martin Short STINKS! Martin Mull could have Died a Year ago and he still wouldn't stink as much as Martin Short.  Just thinking about Martin Short is enough to make you sick (Lobsters1 goes out for a Walk  to get Martin Short off of his Mind.  Then he walks back in) "I'm BACK! What was I Writing about  . . . MARTIN SHORT!?!  Why? Did he Die? Uh . . . (Checks the Dead Celebrities Of The Day on the Internet) No.  Well I'm going back out and I'm not coming back until Martin Short is gone!  GOOD DAY, SIR!  "Lobsters1 walks out. And then he walks back in. )  I forgot my Hot Tamales Cinnemon Flavored Jelly Beans!  (Lobsters1 walks back out)  (Martin Short emerges fearfully from beneath the Couch) "Is he gone . . . ?"

Sarah Hucklebuck Sanders got thrown out of a Resteraunt!  How long until some prominant Liberal gets thrown out of a Resteraunt?  Hey, Rachel Maddow! Meet us at The Waffle House tonight!  They've got FABULOUS Sushi and . . . What else do Hoity Toity People like to eat?  Pheasant? Yeah, Rachel Maddow, Stop by The Waffle House for some Sushi and a Big Ol' Bowl of that Pheasant shit! Be sure to wear your HILLARY 2016 T Shirt!

Lobsters1 didn't find out what GOAT stands for until yesterday.  Lobsters1 is the DOAT! DOAT stands for "Dumbest Of All Time". Lobsters1 just made that up and is Nice enough to let everybody in on what it means right away.  Unlike the Jerk that made up that stupid GOAT thing.  He is the JOAT.  You know what that means, right?  Lobsters1 doesn't have to . . . Okay,  it stands for "Jerkiest Of All Time".  See how Nice Lobsters1 is?  Lobsters1 is the NOAT! When we . . . Oh, for God's sake!  You don't get the NOAT thing?  Lobsters1 said he was "Nice" and then . . .  But Lobsters1 is the NOAT and  is more than Happy to . . .  WHAT? "Numbnuts Of All Time"?  Are you calling Lobsters1 "Numbnuts"?!  As Good as he been to you!  THIS BLOG POST IS OVER!

SOUND EFFECTS : Door slamming shut, Locks  clicking into place

LOBSTERS1 (From inside) : Shit! I left my Hot Tamale Cinnemon Flavored Jelly Beans out in the Car!

In the original draft of "The Caine Mutiny" it wasn't Strawberries Captain Queeg went nuts over, it was Hot Tamale Cinnemon Flavored Jelly Beans! "Fred MacMurray stole those Hot Tamale Cinnemon Flavored Jelly Beans and I am going to prove it!"

BAD NEWS FROM LOUISIANA . . .

In an effort to get Post Malone eaten by Alligators Scientists (Everybody is a Scientist in Louisiana)  blasted Post Malone Music at High Volume  into the Picturesque Bayous  and aggravated Alligators have eaten the entire Population of Louisiana.  Does that include New Orleans? Yes? What are you bitching about? 

 

"We have heard enough bullshit." - Aggravated Alligator

They keep playing that Recording of little kids crying in a Border . . . NO, we're NOT going to call it a "Concentration Camp". WHAT!?!  A  check for HOW MUCH !?! Oh, okay . . . They keep playing that Recording of little kids crying in a Border  Concentration Camp (Gonna buy a NEW HOUSE!)  but if you think that is Heartbreaking, wait til you hear the Recording of  Mobsters crying over all the Money they will lose if the Border is completely shut down "BILLIONS!!! I WILL LOSE BILLIONS!!!  OH! MONEY!! I AM LOSING MONEY!!! OH!!!" Anybody who can support Trump after hearing that is a NAZI (Gonna buy a PRIVATE JET!)

Chevy Chase don't need no stinking Wes Anderson Movies!

Chevy Chase gets a RAW DEAL, man! Everybody says Chevy Chase stopped being Funny when he stopped getting High. No, man, Chevy Chase stopped being Funny when WE stopped getting High!  If we had all kept getting High even though Chevy Chase wasn't getting High  we all would have thought Chevy Chase's Late Night Talk Show on Fox was HILARIOUS!!!  Poor Chevy Chase was sitting there on his Late Night Talk Show  going "Uh . . . You guys stopped getting High, too?  WHY? I had to quit getting High because all the Magazines were full of embarassing Articles about me.  There weren't any Articles about YOU!  Tell you what, me and Goldie Hawn will stop doing this interview, you guys go get High, and me and Goldie Hawn will start our interview all over again . . . Eh, I only like Goldie Hawn when I was High . . . To Hell with this . . . "

And now it's Time for "Which Rock Star Did The Best Napoleon Impression In An Old Video? - Mark E. Smith in "Victoria" by The Fall or David Lee Roth in . . . Whatever Van Halen Video that goofy bastard dressed up like Napoleon in, who the Hell knows? 

 

David Lee Roth : Poor Mark E Smith! He's DEAD! DEAD!!!  Should I dress up like Abraham Lincoln?  How about Franklin Roosevelt?  I'll roll in on a Wheelchair and then I'll do a coupla FLIPS!!!

 

You can do flips in a Wheelchair?

 

David Lee Roth : Uhhh . . .

 

Mark E Smith used to do whole Fall gigs in a Wheelchair. I bet he could do flips in a Wheelchair!

 

David Lee Roth : I'm not exactly sure who Marky Mark was!

 

Marky Mark!?! Get out of here, David Lee Roth!  And take off that JFK  PT109 costume! 

 

David Lee Roth : Hey, you know that Commercial where the Married Couple gets the guy's Brother to Baby Sit their Kid and when they get back he's wearing the Wife's Robe?

 

Yeah?

 

David Lee Roth : I auditioned to play the Guy in the Robe!

 

Get outta here!!

 

David Lee Roth : Why didn't I get to be the Guy in the Robe? Why? WHY!?!

 

You showed up for the Audition wearing Assless Chaps!

 

David Lee Roth : Hey, it was Tuesday! Tuesday is Assless Chaps Day!!

Hey! It's The Cutest Girl In The World! Say something to cheer us up, Cutest Girl In The World!!!" "Oh, Anthony Bourdain was just a CREEP!" Yay! WE LOVE YOU, CUTEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!!!

CNN CRISIS!!! CNN CRISIS!!! CNN CRISIS!!!

First CNN loses ONE FOURTH of it's audience in less than a Year and now the only Guy on the Network that anybody liked kills himself!

 

"Why, Tony Bourdain, WHY!?!"

 

"Why couldn't JAKE TAPPER have offed himself?!  NOBODY WOULD HAVE MISSED HIM!!!!"

 

"Maybe if we had let him kill Don Lemon instead of himself it might have cheered Tony up enough to carry on for another Month or two!"

 

"If only we had let Tony throw Anderson Cooper off of the top of the Empire State Building  Tony might still be here today!"

 

"Hey! Anthony and I were FRIENDS!!!"

 

"Anthony didn't like you, Anderson. He just had to pretend to like you to stay out of trouble."

 

"Just like everybody who works at CNN has to,"

 

"REALLY!?! Gee, now I feel bad!"

 

"Don't worry, Anderson. How about a trip to FRANCE to cheer yourself up?  Here is your Hotel Reservation . . . "

 

"Hhhhmmm . . . Where have I heard the name of this Hotel recently?  Hey! Is this another Lobsters1 Joke? What a JERK!"

Still can't put Pictures on the Blog! Lobsters1 will be talking to his Attorney!

There haven't been a lot of Comedy Bits about Bill Cosby here at the Lobsters1 Blog  so this Week End is going to be THE  BIG BILL COSBY JOKE WEEK END  to make up for it! 

 

BILL COSBY JOKES! BILL COSBY JOKES! NOTHING BUT BILL COSBY JOKES!!!!!

 

First of all, Here is a Comedy Bit entitled "Bill Cosby Meets Samantha Bee"!

 

BILL COSBY : How are you enjoying that Drink I mixed for you? 

 

SAMANTHA BEE : Shit . . . Fuck . . .

 

BIL COSBY : Are you getting sleepy?

 

SAMANTHA BEE : Shit . . . ZZZZZ . . .

 

BILL COSBY : Hhhmmm . . . I think I'd rather just watch TV. Maybe do some Reading.

 

And now here is a Bill Cosby Comedy Bit where it is CBS on a Saturday Morning in the Seventies and Fat Albert has just served Daphne on "Scooby Doo Where Are You?" a Drink.

 

"Sorry, but the Animators have refused to draw Cartoon Art Work of Daphne being Sexually Assaulted by Fat Albert."

 

"Well, give Ralph Bakshi a call."

 

That Bit doesn't quite Work because no one knows who Ralph Bakshi is.

 

"Everybody knows who I am, you prick!  it doesnq't quite Work because you aren't funny!"

 

"I'm not funny!?! Ralph Freakin' Bakshi says I'm not funny!!"

 

"My Mighty Mouse Cartoon was funnier than anything you ever did on this crap Blog!"

 

"Oh Yeah? What do you think, Bill Cosby?"

 

BILL COSBY : How are you enjoying that Drink?

 

RALPH BAKSHI : Uh . . . Shit . . . Fuck . . .

 

"I thought you only drugged women?"

 

BILL COSBY : Oh, I didn't drug Bill Cosby to sexually assault him.  I hate his Cartoons so much I drugged him to kill hm!

 

CROWD : YAY, BILL COSBY, YAY!!!

 

Queen performs their "Yay, Bill Cosby, Yay!!!" Anthem

 

FREDDIE MERCURY : Yay, Bill Cosby, Yay!!!

 

BRIAN MAY : Go, Bill Cosby, Go!!!

 

ROGER TAYLOR : I am a very talented guy and should have been given more oppurtunities to demonstrate my abilities!

 

Aw, to Hell with Bill Cosby, let's have THE BIG ROGER TAYLOR JOKE WEEK END!

 

"Is it Monday yet?"

 

 

Lobsters1 heard that Anthony Bourdain had Died and Wrote this Comedy Bit before we found out that Bourdain had committed suicide -

 

Anthony Bourdain Died!  How did he die?  HOW? Uh . . . Remember that Time he was in Hong Kong and he ate . . .  It could have been that. Or that Time he was in Damascus and he ate . . . It could have been that. Or that Time he was in Havana and he ate . . . It could have been that. Or that Time he was in New Orleans and he ate . . . It could have been that. Yeah, I think it was that. Oh Yeah.

 

But then Lobsters1 found out Bourdain committed Suicide and it's not funny anymore. But if we found out he killed himself over that God Dam ASIA ARGENTO we are gonna make SO MANY JOKES . . .

Why Aren't There Pictures For The Posts? Because The Blogging Service SUCKS

David Spade is getting a lot of Media attention because his Sister In Law committed Suicide and Rob Schneider is JEALOUS!  "Hey! MY Sister In Law committed Suicide and I didn't get any Press for it!  Well, NO, she wasn't REALLY my Sister In Law, she was some chick a Friend of mine . . . No, she DIDN'T kill herself . . . She passed out in the Living Room  . . . Scared the crap out of everybody . . .  AW, TO HELL WITH DAVID SPADE!!  I could have been in those stupid Movies with Chris Farley but I had too much SELF RESPECT!!!  I didn't need to put up with Farley's BULLSHIT to make it in Show Business!  Like the Time Farley passed out in the Living Room . . . Scared the crap out of everybody . . . Hey, wait a minute . . . "

"Does Trump Floss? Maybe Trump doesn't Floss his Teeth!! Maybe we can get him for NOT FLOSSING HIS TEETH!!! Somebody get to Work on that RIGHT AWAY!!!"

That guy's name isn't really "Bob Mueller". His name is just plain old Bob Miller, he just calls himself Bob Mueller to intimidate People. A guy says "Hi, I'm Bob Miller"  and you go "Hi, Bob, shut up and mop the Hallway". But when Bob Mueller walks in "Oh! Mister Mueller!  Can I get you a Cup of Coffee?  Should I run out and get you a Sandwich?  Shine your Shoes?  What can I do for you, Mister Mueller!?!  PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, MISTER MUELLER!!!  OH, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!!" Bob Miller started calling himself Bob Mueller when he was in Vietnam.  He needed something to make him feel like a Real Tough Guy.  His Original Plan was to run around Vietnam wearing one of those Viking Helmets with the crazy Horns but the Vietnamese Hookers got a load of those Horns and  and made so many "Me So Horny!" Jokes that they weren't just in "Full Metal Jacket", they were making "Me So Horny!" Jokes in "Apocalypse Now", "The Deer Hunter", "Caddyshack", and "Things Are Tough All Over". So Bob gave the Helmet with the crazy Horns to the Viet Cong so they could make terrible Booby Traps out of em and decided to call himself Bob Mueller because Mueller has kind of a scary Teutonic sound.  A scary Teutonic Sound is a Sound that makes Gallic guys go "WHAT WAS THAT!?! I AM GETTING OUT OF HERE!!!"  Well, that was the "Bob Mueller-Miller" Comedy Routine.  Let's wrap this up before . . . "Are you Lobsters1?" "Yes, I am."  "Here is a Subpeona." "Oh . . . CRAP!!"

NEWS SO GOOD IT HAS JUST GOT TO BE FAKE!!!

Lobsters1 has just gotten a Job Writing Comedy Bits for Greasy Gomer, our Local Morning Zoo Radio Host! Here's a recurring routine we just put together called "Well, I don't give a CRAP!!!"  They got Volcanoes erupting all over Hawaii . . . Well, I don't give a CRAP!!! They're gonna close Sixty Three more Sears Stores . . . Well, I don't give a CRAP!!! Management says we've got to Fire this Lobsters1 Loser . . . Well, I don't give a CRAP!!!  HA HA!! That is FUNNY!!!  Here's an idea for another recurring routine called "Well, that's just a load of CRAP!!!"  We can . . . Wait a minute . . . What did Management just say?  (Puts on a Beret and waves a Bottle of Red Wine) How can I be expected to create under these circumstances?  (Greasy Gus enters wearing an Otto Von Bismarck Spiked Helmet and knocks Lobsters1 on the head with a Toy Zeppelin)  "There is only thing that could cause me more suffering than a knock on the head with a Toy Zeppelin!" (Roger Daltry enters and begins Singing "Who Are You") "And THAT is the very thing to which I was referring!"

Ah Sho' Know Who Ah'm Hollerin' 'Bout!

Lobsters1 would be more of a Comedy fan these days if wasn't for the constant hollering about how HOT Sarah Silverman is. Comedy is Great but if Lobsters1 is going to make an ass of himselfb hollering about how HOT somebody is  it's not going to be Sarah Silverman.  You go to a Football Game and everybody stands up before the Game to Sing the National Anthem, you go to a Comedy Club and everybody stands up before the Show to holler about how hot Sarah Silverman is. Football Players take a knee during the National Anthem and they're American Heroes. Stand Up Comics take a knee during the hollering about how HOT Sarah Silverman is and they get dragged out into the Parking Lot and beaten to Death. Ain't we got enough Problems without that shit?

"I smoked a joint with Jack Nicholson once! Or maybe I just smoked a joint while watching Jack Nicholson on TV. Maybe Jack Nicholson was watching me smoke a joint on TV. I smoked a joint with Godzilla once! Or maybe I was . . .

All of the most controversial events of the past Fifty Years were were committed by guys that had just smoked a joint with Jack Nicholson.  Jimmy Carter smoked a joint with Jack Nicholson right before he told Playboy Magazine he had committed Lust in his Heart. Ted Kennedy smoked a joint with Jack Nicholson right before he drove his Car into the Water and killed that Girl.  Peter Criss smoked a joint with Jack Nicholson right before he went into the Studio and Recorded "Beth".  Lobsters1 smoked a joint with Jack Nicholson right before hedecided to drop out of College and become a Stand Up Comic. Bob Goldthwaite smoked a joint with Jack Nicholson right before . . . Nah, he's just an asshole.

All that stuff about guys getting in trouble after smoking a joint with Jack Nicholson was bullshit.  Just trying to sound Cool.  The truth is that all that crazy shit happened after watching a Fred Astaire Movie with Steve Martin. Jimmy Carter watched a Fred Astaire Movie with Steve Martin right before he told Playboy he had committed Lust in His Heart. Ted Kennedy watched a Fred Astaire Movie with Steve Martin right before he drove his Car into the Water and killed that Girl. Peter Criss . . . Eh, why go through all that shit again?  

Is that Wanda Sykes? Uh . . . Yeah, that's Wanda Sykes. Uh huh . . . Yeah.

Wanda Sykes! Hurry up and get a DEAL before before Friday gets here and everybody remembers how much you SUCK!

Hang on just a little bit longer Lobsters1 Blog Readers! Lobsters1 has been slaving away on his next Article for Acid Logic and it has so many Jokes that that if they were here at the Blog you would be at Acid Logic  The Heroic Black Guy and The Angry White Guy in "Night Of The Living Dead"  got in a big fight over where they where they would be Safe from Lobsters1's Jokes - The Blog or Acid Logic.  You know, like how in the Movie they got in a big fight over where they would be Safe from the Living Dead - The Basement or Upstairs with all the windows boarded up.  But of course there was no escape from getting ripped apart and devoured by the Zombies just like there is no escape from Lobsters1's Army of  Human Flesh Eating Comedy Bits!  Harry Cooper The Angry White Guy looks out the window and sees a Joke about ABC Cancelling "Rosanne" eating somebody's leg,  a gag about how much Lobsters1 hates Oprah eating eating somebody's intestines, and a . . . "WHAT!?! A gag about ME eating somebody's intestines!?!" "No, Oprah, the gag is eating somebody's intestines. It's a gag about how much I hate you and it is eating somebody's intestines . . . " "You are going to be in SO MUCH TROUBLE when I eat all the Plutonium in the World  and turn into a Ten Thousand Foot Tall Doodle Bug Monster!"  "That ought to liven up Oscar Night!"  "Get back to Work on your stupid Article, Dumb Ass!"

www.acidlogic.com

I didn't know Chelsea played Guitar

Chelsea Clinton said Donald Trump degrades what it means to be American.  Oh, yeah!?! Well, Chelsea Clinton degrades what . . . No, wait a minute . . . Hillary Clinton degrades what . . . Oh, SHIT, I gotta do Laundry before I crash! Oh, man . . . "HA HA!  He doesn't make enough Money to pay somebody to do his Laundry for him! What a LOSER!!"  Shut the fuck up, Chelsea Clinton! "Hey, Dumb Ass! I'll pay you Five Hundred Dollars to Hand Wash one week of my Mom's Underwear!"  "Five Hundred Dollars!?!" (Lobsters1 suddenly remembers who Chelsea Clinton's Mom is)  No Way, Uggo! I'm gonna make a pot of coffee  and stay up all night  trying to come up with something funny  for the 'Chelsea Clinton degrades what it means to be Blah Blah Blah' thing! "Don't forget to do your Laundry, Stupid!" Eh, if your Mom was President doing your Laundry would be illegal cause Clothes Dryers cause Global Warming. "Hey, that's a good idea!" Get outta here, Al Gore! After I finish the 'Chelsea Clinto degrades Blah Blah Blah' thing I'm gonna Write an 'Al Gore - Algorhythm' Joke! "Hey! How about a 'Sarah Palin - Sarahpalinrhythm' joke?" Oh, Tina Fey - YOU SUCK!

Okay, you can all stop talking to Lobsters1 about that Glover guy any Time now.  We have heard enough about that Glover guy to last a Lifetime. Lobsters1 has not heard as much about Lobsters1 in his Lifetime as he has heard about that Glover guy in the past Six Months.  These Days it's Glover Glover Glover and not a Word of it i about Danny Glover and I'm too old for this shit.  Get it? A Danny Glover Joke. And now Lobsters1 is in Trouble for making an unfashionable Glover Joke.  Well, Fuck You! No more Glover!  Lobsters1 could put up with the relentless torrent of Glover around here but now that you are talking about how his Character in that new "Star Wars" Movie is "Pansexual"  and idiots are making a Big Deal over how his White is Wife? Don't wanna hear any more! Oh, did I mix it up? I said that his White is Wife? Ha Ha! That's kinda funny! WHAT!?! RACIST?!? How is that . . . How okay, how about if I pretend to like his TV Show "Atlantis"? OH, It's not "Atlantis"? It's "Atlanta"?  That's not a Cool idea for a TV Show.  Black Guys in Atlanta?  No wonder he had to resort to the resort to the "Pansexual" thing to get into the Movies.  I thought it was "Atlantis" and he played a Fish Man and a Cleaning Lady fell in Love with him.  That was some other bullshit?  No, no, no, don't tell Lobsters1 the Name of the thing with the Fish Man and the Cleaning Lady. Lobsters1 has heard enough Bullshit.  He will already spend the rest of 2018 trying to deal with Eminem and that Hot Black Chick who thinks she is Chinese. Lobsters1's head is going to explode.  Lobsters1 is laying Newspapers on the Floor so it will be easy to clean up after his head explodes. Oh, what is this in the Newspaper? The "Star Wars" Movie with that Glover guy is a Dud? 

Confetti Falls Out Of The Sky, Fireworks, Van Halen Plays "Panama", a Sailor kisses a Girl in Time Square, Backyard Barbeques all over the USA, Drew Barrymore is Nineteen Years Old Again . . .

Start Your Day Thinking About Killing Some Punk!

Lobsters1 watched "Good Morning America" a few Weeks ago and if Hitler had Produced a Show like that it would have been called "Good Morning Poland". After ten minutes of watching it was like little people were jumping out of the TV set to run over and shove little little knives into Lobsters1's face. Ron Howard was on it for stupid reason and before Lobsters1 knew it Little Ron Howard was carving his lips off with a little Ron Howard knife "GODDAMMIT, OPIE!!!"  Then that Black Lesbian we're all supposed to Love for some reason came on and by the time Lobsters1 had a towel up to his mouth to soak up all the blood  from his cut off lips a little Black Lesbian was carving his cheeks off of the sides of his face "OW!! I DON'T LOVE YOU, LITTLE BLACK LESBIAN!!! DAMN!!!!" Then it ended and when Lobsters1 found out that Kelly Ripa was coming on next he turned the set off before some Little Daytime TV Pixie could cut his noe off "I AIN'T GOT MUCH, BUT I STILL GOT A NOSE!!!"  A half hour later Lobsters1 walked into the ER with his head wrapped up in bloody Kitchen Towels but they had a TV in the Waiting Room showing "The View" so Lobsters1 declared "THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!"  and bled to Death in the Parking Lot "Hey, you over there bleeding to Death. You look familiar . . . CHARLIE ROSE!!! Ha Ha."

"Aw, the hookers in Singapore are goofy anyway!"

Donald Trump has cancelled the Singapore Summit with North Korea after the crazy Notth Korean Dude with the funny name  insulted Mike Pence by calling him  "the crazy American Dude with the funny name." Apparently "Mike Pence" is as bizarre a name to North Koreans as  "Biff Boom Bang" (Or whatever that goofy bastard calls himself) is to Americans who Write Terrible Blogs.  "Blogs"? That word sounds so crazy to North Koreans that every time they hear it they run out and build a Hyrdrogen Bomb.  Would Lobsters1 be willing to give up his Blog  if North Korea agreed to shut it own it's Nuclear Weapons Program?  Sure, he can still do his Podcast . . .  Uh oh, turns out that people in Italy are so disturbed by the word "Pod Cast" every time they hear it they run out and make a Jungle Cannibal Movie. Would Lobsters1 be willing to give up his Pod Cast if Itly agreed to shut down it's Jungle Cannibal Movie Program? I don't know, let Lobsters1 make a Phone Call to Mike Pompeo? "Pompeo"? Geez, what do when they hear that one?

Lobsters1 doesn't have a good ending to this because a Hydrogen Bomb just went off and he has been vaporized.

"I feel funny!"

You're not!

Karate Zombies! IT CAN'T MISS!!

Hey, "Cobra Kai", the the TV Version of "The Karate Kid", is pretty good! Lobsters1 is kinda surprised by how much he has gotten into it. Johnny, the Blonde Bully Kid in the Movie, is now a Broken Down Loser with a crappy Job, a crappy apartment, a crappy Car, a crappy Comedy Pod Cast, a crappy Comedy Blog . . . Uh, wait a minute . . . Hell . . .

Everybody At Work Was Yakkin' About It So Lobsters1 Wrote A Comedy Bit About It (Instead Of Working)

Hey! That Thirty Year Old Guy in Upstate New York who won't move out of his Parent's House is,nt REAL! That's just Les Claypool as the Wacky Drummer in "Electric Apricot"!  IT'S THE EXACT SAME GUY! FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS! What? You never saw "Electric Apricot"? The Comedy Movie with Les Claypool from Primus as a Wacky Drummer that looks just like That Thirty Year Old Guy in Upstate New York who won't move out of his Parent's House? Nobody knows about "Electric Apricot"? REALLY?  Hhhhmmm . . . Maybe Lobsters1 should quit the Blog to Write a Movie Script about a Wacky Drummer . . . LEAVE ME ALONE, MOM!!!! I DON'T NEED A JOB!!!!  I'M GONNA WRITE A MOVIE SCRIPT ABOUT A WACKY DRUMMER!!!! CRAP!!!!

Yeah, Tina Fey! ALL RIGHT!

Tina Fey Hosted "Saturday Night Live" and did that old What's Her Face Palin impression.  Tina Fey is probably the only person in the World who still remembers that Palin Woman's First Name.  Which doesn't bode well for Tina Fey.  If no one can remember the name of the woman who ran against Obama with The Feisty Little Cancer Man  how long until no one can remembdr Tina Fey's name?  To most people Tina Fey is "That Strange Old Lady In The Credit Card commercials" Rumor has it she was on a TV Show with Alec Baldwin  but when you're on a TV Show with . . . Come on, The Drummer in Green Day is more OF a Celebrity than anybody that was ever on a TV Show with Alec Baldwin.  Anyway, Tina Fey did her Palin bit on "SNL" this Week End and . . . What the fuck else was she going to do? You could call her a One Trick Pony but after having to pretend that she is a Big Comedy Star all these Years you could call her a One Trick Phoney. Ha Ha.

Hidden Message : Lobsters1 does not like Tina Feyl

"That Lobsters1 Loser is talking about when he was a Comic again?" "Yeah." "He SUCKED!"

Janet Jackson was on some Awards Show the other Night. Lobsters1 forgot all about Janet Jackson and is kind of annoyed  to be reminded of her. Lobsters1 has been having a pretty tough time lately  (In case you didn't read about it here in the Blog  Lobsters1 had a Bald Eagle  tear it's way out of the inside of Lobsters1's head  and it flew away)  and now that he has Janet Jackson  on his mind things are not going to get any better.  What Awards Show was that Monster on?  The 2018 People We Are Better Off Forgetting About Awards?  Who was the Host, Marc Maron? Uh Oh, I almost forgot all about that guy!

LOBSTERS1 FUN STORY FROM HIS YOUTH -

One Night in the Late Eighties Lobsters1 was drinking Beer in the Bar  beneath The Boston Comedy Club when Marc Maron marched right up in Lobsters1's face and demanded to know if it was true that Lobsters1 had been in The Army. Lobsters1 cheerfully replied "Yeah!" and  Maron  completely Lost It so COMPLETELY Five Hundred Janet Jacksons tore their way out of the inside of his Head followed by a Mini Tito just to gve the Black People something to laugh at.

Comedy Fans are ecstatic because Lobsters1 has been diagnosed with . . . No, they're ecstatic because Dave Chappelle and Jon Stewart are doing some Stand Up Shows together.  Lobsters1 used to see those guys all the Time when he was doing Stand Up in New York.  If Chappelle and Stewart made it to The Super Bowl of Stand Up  Lobsters1 was some guy at Work throwing a little rubber Football around until the Boss tells him to quit fucking around and do some Work.  On Night Lobsters1 was strolling past that damn Boston Comedy Club when Jon Stewart was sitting there watching Dave Chappelle mess around on a Skateboard.  Or was it Dave Chappelle watching Jon Stewart on a Skateboard?  Nah, if it had been Jon Stewart on that Skateboard  he would have cracked his skull open and they would have blamed it on Lobsters1.  Marc Maron would have run out of The Boston Comedy Club shreiking "HE KILLED JON STEWART!!! HE WAS IN THE ARMY!!!! HE IS FROM THE SOUTH!!! HE KILLED JON STEWART!!!!!!"  So it's a Good Thing that never happened. Although Jon Stewart falling down and cracking his skull open would have been  just fine as long as Lobsters1 had not been around to get blamed for . . . . Probably should't Write about that in the Blog.  Jon Stewart might fall off his High Horse and crack his skull and when Marc Maron found out Lobsters1 had already Written about in his Blog he'd be shreiking "HE KILLED JON STEWART!!!! HE WAS IN THE ARMY!!! HE IS FROM THE SOUTH!!! HE HAS PSYCHO KINETIC POWERS!!!! HE KILLED JON STEWART!!!!

Lobsters1 performed Stand Up one Night at CBGBs, The Headquarters for New York Punk Rock! "Were The Ramones there?" Uh . . . No "Blondie?" Uh . . . Well . . . No "The Talking Heads?" Uh . . . WHY ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME!?  Lobsters1 did about Fifteen Minutes one Night  before a Reunion Performance by The Sic Fucs. Yeah, The Sic Fucs. That was a Band.  The Sic Fucs. You never heard of em?  You never heard of The Sic Fucs, Lobsters1 did Stand Up at CBGBs, but YOU are The Cool One? HA! DON'T FUC WITH LOBSTERS1!! Did Jon Stewart and his Leather Jacket ever do Stand Up at CBGBs?  NO! Did The Ramones ever play on "The Daily Show"? NO! Did Blondie ever play on "The Daily Show"? NO! Did Talking Heads ever play on "The Daily Show"? Probably.

Lobsters1 looks TWENTY YEARS Younger than Jon Stewart!!!

"Well, that takes care of Seattle. Mudhoney is on Tour in Europe right now, right?"

Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love's incredibly good looking Daughter is Divorcing some Dumb Ass and he is getting one of Cobain's old Guitars as part of the Settlement.  What a Smart Girl!  She keeps all of her Dad's Money  and gets rid of her Ex with with some piece of shit Guitar that is only valuable because he played it on some MTV Show.  Last Week she bought a Car with the T Shirt he wore on that Show  and she is about to buy a House in Italy  with the Tube Socks he was wearing  when he blew his Brains out.  She has a Certified Letter from the Seattle Coroner's Office "Yeah, Lady, these are the Socks that were on his Feet when we pulled him out of the Bag. God, you are GOOD LOOKING!" Sean and Julian Lennon found out about this and when they found out that Yoko Ono threw out all of John Lennon's Socks  they just had a good laugh and forgot all about it.  Just like John Lennon would have done.  If he hadn't been so messed up on Drugs anyway.

Yeah, she's on that Show. It's a Cruel World.

Lobsters1 saw an Episode of this terrible TV Show  (Can't mention the Title because we'll all get really depressed.  Bad enough we know the Title of this Blog.  Oh, God . . . ) and everybody on it had been the Star of a really Popular TV Show in the Past (Lobsters1 won't mention the Names of these People or the really Popular TV Shows  they used to be on before they were on this really crummy TV Show. Aren't we already bummed out?  Lobsters1 took some pills and slit his wrists  right before he started Writing this. Please don't put on any Pink Floyd!)  But it was a TV Show about Firemen.  If you are an Actor and you are on a TV Show about Firemen you are DOOMED.  Forget it. You are WASHED UP!  You'd be better off retiring from Acting and becoming a Fireman in Real Life.  Remember Dennis Leary? Used to be a Comedian?  He was on a TV Show about Firemen and  and now he is . . . Well, he's not really a Fireman.  He's the Crotchety Old Guy in the Firehouse  who runs around in an Apron yelling about how there's Fresh Coffee.  Every now and then he starts talking about Firemen he used to know  who are Dead and he breaks down crying.  He makes a Big Emotional Scene because he's forgotten he is no longer in Show Business and he's trying to Nominated for an Emmy. But at least Dennis Leary isn't on that TV Show that has Lobsters1 on the verge of Death after taking all all this pills and slicing his wrists!  Lobsters1 tried becoming a Fireman but he couldn't make the cut "Yeah, you made the SLICE!" Oh, Ha Ha, Dennis Leary! You crack me up!

George Clooney and his plain Wife are right in front of the first Elephant on the right.

No. No stuff about the Royal Wedding. No! No matter how much they talk about it. No. 

Uh oh! Lobsters1 has an idea for a for a Royal Wedding Comedy bit!  No! No! Don't write it down!  No! Put the Pen down! Put . . . the . . . Pen . . . down!

HATS!

Why the fuck do they keep talking about HATS!?!  Is Lobsters1 wearing a Hat?  (Puts hand on top of head to see if there is a Hat up ther)  No! No Hat!  Thank God!  Dear God, Thank You For There Not Being A Hat Up There On Top Of My Head.  Amen! Oh, and PLEASE make them stop talking about HATS!  Amen again.  But they are STILL talking about Hats!  God is on the Royal Weddings' side.  The Sex Pistols CD has grown Spider Legs and is crawling up Lobsters1's leg! LOBSTERS1 IS DAMNED!  EVERY ONE NOT WEARING A SILLY HAT RIGHT NOW WILL BURN IN HELL!!!

Lobsters1 has a Baseball Cap in the other room. But it's a Mets Cap.

The more they talk about the Royal Wedding the more Lobsters1 wants to hear Artie Lange talk about Heroin on The Opie And Anthony Show. Oprah is at the Royal Wedding, why isn't Artie Lange at the Royal Wedding? "Oooohh, is that Meghan a sweet piece of ass or WHAT!?!" "ARTIE!!! You're talking to THE QUEEN!!!" "Of course I'm talkin' to the Queen. You think I got anything to say to George Clooney?"  "I do not wish to speak to George Clooney either."  "That was THE QUEEN!! The fuckin' Queen said that!" Lobsters1 comes onstage in a Palace Guards Uniform "The 'Artie Lange At The Royal Wedding' Comedy bit, everybody! Artie Lange at The Royal Wedding!" A Bald Eagle rips it''s way out of his big black Palace Guards Hat and flies away "That happens every time an American wears one of them Hats. What is with the English and the Hats? When you are an American you're lucky to have a Head, forget having a Hat! Anyway, people liked that bit about the Queen talking shit about George Clooney with Artie Lange so much that Her Majesty is going to be doing her own Comedy Show on Sirius Radio.  "Oh, can I Write bits for that Show?"  "I do believe that I shall be Working with Jackie 'Joke Man' Martling." Lobsters1 looks into the Camera "Shoulda ended it with the Eagle ripping it's way out of my Head and flying away. Oh, they rewrote it so the Eagle ripped it's way out of my Hat instead of my Head?" A Great White Shark rips it's way out of his Head "That's more like it!"

 

Lobsters1 sure knows who he'd go after if he was a Prince. Or if he had Fifty Dollars in Cash.

So, what is going on in England this Week End?  That's what you do when you can't stand being in America any more, find out what is going on in England and then thinking about Baked Beans for Breakfast will have you Singing "I'm A Yankee Doodle Dandy"  for the next Three Months. So what's . . . Uh oh! A Royal Wedding!  And the Bride is an American chick!  I guess she hasn't found out about the Baked Beans yet.  Boy, is she in for a shock.  You think it went bad with Di, she already knew about the Baked Beans!  She died in a Car Crash, this girl is gonna crash the Hindenberg into the Titanic!  Is Trump going to be at the Wedding?  He can Sing at the Reception "Cause I'm a Dirty White Boy! Dirty White Boy! Hey, Elton John, don't just sit there looking like you want to kill me - Go find Freddie Mercury so I can Sing 'Under Pressure' with him! Why can't we get along, get along, get along? Cause I'm a Dirty White Boy! Dirty White Boy! Does she know about the Baked Beans yet?"

Megan Marbles' (That's the Bride) Father will not be attending the Royal Wedding because he just found out that Princess Di won't be there "Oh, CRAP! She died? I wish I knew that before I rented that Suit of Armor.  Oh, they don't wear Armor to their Weddings?  This is getting worse and worse!  You know Megan's been Married before, don't you?  A Hollywood Actress who has already been Divorced and you're making a BIG DEAL out of her getting Married?  I mean, she's my Daughter, but . . . A BOOK DEAL!?!  How much? Cough up enough Cash and I 'll have a Big Pile Of Crazy you can knock out as soon as they decide to split up.  No, I'm not going to the Wedding.  I spent all that Money on her first Wedding, let every Tax Payer in England Pay for this one.  They ought to send me a check for renting that Suit Of Armor. And for going to see that 'Dunkirk' Movie. Oh, and that Oasis CD. I wanted to get the one with 'Wonder Wall' on it and accidentally got the one with that stupid 'All you People right here right here, Know what I mean? Yeah Yeah!' Song. I'm sitting there waiting to hear 'Wonder Wall' and the Champagne Super Nova In The Sky  and they're doing this Sixties Hippie 'Know what I mean? Yeah Yeah!' crap! I thought I picked up a Lenny Kravitz CD by mistake! And the Suit of Armor Rental Company can just send a Van over to pick up that Suit of Armor. It took all afternoon for me to get that crap in here! It can just stay in the Corner of the Room until they pick it up.  I don't give a shit - AAAHHH!!! WHO'S THAT!?!  Oh, the Suit of Armor!  I thought it was that Robot from 'Lost In Space'!  'DANGER! DANGER!' Ha!"

"Hey, anything Pat Morita can do I can do, man!"

What is this new version of "The Karate Kid"?  I don't know what it's called, they're lucky I can remembr "Macchio". So what's the Deal -  Now the one that was the Bad Guy in the Original is the Good Guy and the Karate Kid is the Bad Guy?  Who cares if he's the Bad Guy? He's Ralph Macchio, anybody can kick his ass!  And after he's Dead we'll find a note from him in a Paperback Copy of "Gone With The Wind". But what about Pat Morita? How can you have "The Karate Kid" without  My Man Pat Morita?  It's like "Pink Lady And Jeff" without Pink Lady!  In case you're wondering why Lobsters1 is running around screaming and yelling right now  it's because Pat Morita is DEAD  and can't be on the new "Karate Kid" thing - He can't do ANYTHING!!! But no one expects him to - Death is a SWEET DEAL!  Maybe Ralph Macchio has a Pat Morita Sock Puppet. Ha Ha.  Everybody is cracking up because "Sock Puppet" is such a Kick Ass Comedy Buzz Word "SOCK PUPPET"!!! Screw "The Karate Kid", Lobsters1 is making a Movie called "The Sock Puppet Kid"! Gonna make MILLIONS! Gonna buy a JET!  You think this is Shit you ain't seen SHIT yet!!

After a full Day of Screaming and Yelling about someone in the White House saying John McCain is going to Die  the First Lady is suddenly in the Hospital getting an Operation.  How long until someone says somethng about the First Lady that is just as awful as what someone said about John McCain? School's Out, Kid - Awful things have been Spit out about her in the past Twelve Hours at least Ten Million Times. And things that are Ten Million Times worse than what was said about John McCain have been said at least another Ten Million Times.  And all of the People who are so outraged about what was said about John McCain  think every single thing that was said about the First Lady is a LAUGH RIOT.

"Why does such shit upset me so?" - Richard Meltzer

"Sorry if I didn't get the quote right, Mitzer Meltzer. I can't find the Book." - Lobsters1

"Don't worry. I'm too busy making wise ass remarks about the First Lady to pay attention to your stupid shit." - Richard Meltzer

"Blow me, ya Baby Boomer Douche!" - Lobsters1

LAMER THAN MICK JONES IN A BIG AUDIO DYNAMITE VIDEO!

"Sorry, CNN! You're either going to PAY UP or I'll take my adorable Commercial to Fox or MSNBC! Business is Business!"

Lobsters1 hasn't made fun of CNN for a while cause it's  about as sporting as imitating a One Hundred And Ten Year Old Alzheimers Patient getting down to Grand Funk Railroad's "The Locomotion" but the Ratings are in and they are just to goddam funny to resist.  CNN has lost TWENTY PERCENT of it's Audience in the past Year.  Gee, it's like people watch the News to find out what happened today, not to hear what a bunch of Losers want to pretend happened last Election Day.  Oh, and throw in a bunch of really unlikable Teenage Kids sulking about the NRA.  Oh, and Chistriane Amanpour  going around the World to talk about Sex with the most unsexy voice since Eric Von Stroheim in "The Grand Illusion". Oh, and Ten Million Promos for some thing where Lisa Ling stands naked in front of a Mirror and cries.  Oh, and Anthony Bourdain going to the Most Alien Place On Earth - West Virginia.  Oh, and The Most Stupid News Anchors since Ted Knight on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show". Oh, and is Rick still the Hero of this Show is Negan the Hero?  And is Daryl going to get killed this Season or what? They already killed Carl!  Oh, Sorry, that was about something on Television that people actually watch.  If "he Walking Dead" was like CNN it would be  "I think the Dead have begun returning to Life and going around eating the Living."  "Really? Where did you come up with that?" "Well, Hillary Clinton didn't win the Election, did she?" "What, you're saying Hillary Clinton didn't win the Election because of Zombies?" "Well . . . Maybe."  "Have you ever seen any Zombies?"  "No, but Robert Mueller is out there looking for Zombies and if anybody can find Zombies it's Robert Mueller!"  "Uh huh."  "Guys! Guys! I found one! I found one!"  "You found a Zombie?!?"  "No, I found a guy who watched that Show with Lisa Ling standing naked in front of a Mirror and crying." "I was hoping I'd get to see her ass." "Don't you know about Bai Ling in 'The Crow'?"

All Night "Mad About You" Marathons Starting In 2019!!!

In case you were too busy talking about wanting to choke Sarah Huckabee Sanders to hear it the first time, CNN has lost Twenty Percent of it's audience in one Year.  If Twenty Percent doesn't sound like a lot to you just imagine how much noise CNN would make if polls found that Twenty Percent of Americans would like to choke some Obama White House Staff Member "Oh, Twenty Percent isn't very much!"  says Chris Cuomo "Hey, don't forget about the Electoral College!" Chris, Twenty Percent is Twenty out of One Hundred, Two out of Ten,  One out of Five . . . "WHOA! If I had known that you were Albert Einstein I would have put a Pocket Calculator in a Hot Pocket! Did Jim Gaffigan already do that joke?  If Twenty Percent is so much why can't I JAM to Fifty Cent without my kids making fun of me?" That Joke doesn't quite Work "I never said I was Jim Gaffigan!"  If you were Jim Gaffigan more People would watch your Show "He had a Show and now it's gone! CNN is doing a lot better than that guy!" Jim Gaffigan stopped doing that Show because it took too much Time away from his Famiy and his Wife got sick! "Really? Hhhhmmmmm . . ."

May 2019 - CNN Goes Out Of Business Because Cable News Takes Too Much Time Away From Everybody's Family And Their Wives Got Sick Yeah.

"'MAD TV'? Is that the Title of the 'Mad About You' reboot?"

It might help if they cut Stormy Daniels' Attorny down to three or four appearences an Hour.  Where does Carl Bernstein crash now that Avennetti has taken permament residence in the Janitor's Closet?  Lobsters1 had to look up the slimeball's name for a Joke We're doing so many Hack Jokes about him we should start calling him "Airplane Food".  That Airplane Food Guy is getting so much Air TimeCharles Lindbugh is getting jealous.  Uh Oh! Now Peter Graves is in here asking if we ike Gladiator Movies. And the Airplane Food Guy is giving him a Business Card in case he ever needs reprentation. Hey, Airplane Food dude, buy commercial Time on "The Maury Povich Show"  like all the other slimey Lawyers!  Oh Yeah, Trump's Lawyer is a Crook but but Airplane Food is Matlock?  Hey, how about Andy Griffith as Stormy Daniels' Lawyer?  Is "MAD TV" still on the air?  I've got a Sketch idea for you fuckin' idiots.  Let's work Don Knotts into this before he falls into the Ocean and turns into a Fish!  We should have Airplane Food fall into the Ocean and turn into a U Boat.  We've got to get that Tumor out of Lobsters1's Head so it can get a job Writing for Jimmy Kimmell and send Lobsters1 a Check Home every Month.

Gee, wonder why nobody wants to watch CNN? The People on it are so CHARMING!

"I wanted to do a Show on CNN but somebody over there found an old interview where I was talking about taking pride in how hard I have Worked and . . . Fuck those people."

"I remember when I had a job at CNN . . . (Howls of Anguish and Remorse)

"Don't worry, CNN! Remember in the Late Seventies when Aerosmith blew it and went down the Toilet?" "Really? I don't remember that at all!" "Uh oh! He's back on Heroin" "Yeah, but I'm still smarter than Don Lemon! And Anderson Cooper. And Wolf Blitzer. And . . . " "MY FACE IS EVEN BIGGER THAN DANA BASH'S FACE!!!!!"

HERE IS YOUR CHANCE TO WRITE FOR THE LOBSTERS1 BLOG!!!!!!

Pick up a Crayon or a Marker and fill in your very own "CNN SUCKS" Joke in this Big Empty Space. BE CREATIVE!

"Wha . . . Fran! Your stupid goddam kid is drawing cartoons of Jake Tapper all over the Lap Top Screen!!! Aw . . . CRAP!!!!"

"Paulie Shore!?!"

Just to be a dick Lobsters1 went to Hollywood  and told Paulie Shore he was a Big Movie Producer and wanted to bring back the Pink Panther Movies with Shore as Inspector Cluesomething. And of course Shore fell for it because he is retarded.  Lobsters1 gave Shore a Waffle House Menu with a slice of Toast glued to it with Grape Jelly  and told Shore it was the Script for the first new Pink Panther Movie entitled "The Pink Panther Gets Food Poisoning" Shore read it and thought it was Great! Overcome with Guilt, Lobsters1 pulled off his rubber Blake Edwards Mask  and told Shore "Dude, I'm just messin' with you!" and Shore melted down to a green puddle of bubbling slime. It was an LA Experiene, I'm tellin' you! An LA Experience, that place is a Zoo!

"Hey, Book the Dice Man and Trump'll be right there in front bigger n' shit!"

So what are they going to do next Year at the White House Correspondent's Dinner to top Michelle Wolfe "eviscerating" Sarah Huckabee Sanders with that devastating "Smokey Eye" bit?  Whoa! Lobsters1 needs to lie down for a minute and catch his breath after thinking about that killer "Smokey Eye" Bombshell! WHOA! "Smokey Eye"! It's enough to make your hair fall out, isn't it?  That Michelle Wolfe sure has got The Eye Of The Tiger, huh?  Damn! What can they do to top that next year?  Maybe they'll bring in a Voo Doo Witch Doctor  to revive the corpses of Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks, and Artie Lange . . . Yeah, Artie Lange will be Dead by then . . . Yeah, use Voo Doo to bring Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks, and Artie Lange back to Life  so they rip Sarah Huckaboo Sanders apart and eat her while Walter Cronkite and Harry Reasoner Yuk it up. Anybody that thought Michelle Wolfe and that "Smokey Eye" was funny will think Sam Kinison with Sarah Huck A Bye Sanders' intestines hanging out of her mouth is HILARIOUS!  Undead Joan Rivers and Richard Pryor  suddenly lurch in from the Kitchen  and grab hold of Joe Scarborough and his stupid Girl Friend!  Chris Matthews grabs a bottle of booze he had hidden under the table  and crushes Joan Rivers' skull open!  But the rotting corpse of Richard Pryor has Mika Whatever That Stupid Whore Is Called pinned to the floor "I got it!" yells one of those idiots at CBS or ABC that nobody ever watches while he pours a fifth of Stoli all all over Zombie Pryor  and LITES HIM UP!!!  Mika is on fire too but that just makes it funnier!  Joe Scarborough's Last Words - "Thank You, Zombie Richard Pryor"  WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT'S DINNER!!!!!!! "This is fuckin' GREAT!" says Michelle Wolfe "Look out, Michelle!!!" Sarah Hubba Hubba Sanders' gut spewing torso clambers  up the back of Michelle Wolfe's Chair and . . . Well, that's enough of that.  Yeah, that was terrible but, come on - "You've got to get that baby out of there!" Those people are terrible!

Years have gone by and who can tell the difference between Randy Newman and Warren Zevon?  Which one of those guys did "Short People"?  That was a Good Song until some turd got offended and Randy Newman or Warren Zevon said "Hey! I didn't MEAN it! It was just a JOKE!" That was The End Of America.  If only Randy Newman or Warren Zevon had the guts to just tell those Rodents "Yeah! I dont like Short People and I Wrote a Song about it! You don't like it? SO WHAT? What are you gonna do!?! SCRAM!!!" they would have said "Oh . . . Well . . . Okay.  Sorry I bothered you." and we would still be Living in a Free Country today. But that , as you can plainly see,  is not what happened.  So SCREW YOU, Randy Newman or Warren Zevon! You deserve to have "Werewolves Of London" ripped off by Kid Rock "That Warren Newman pussy didnt have the balls to stand up to them Short People, I'll just take 'Werewolves Of London' and MESS IT ALL UP!!! Ha! Ohhhh, I just remembered that I used to be Married to Pamela Anderson and I done let her get away! Ohhhhhhh!!!!" Yeah, but one thing you've to give Kid Rock - He's not Randy Newman.  Another thing about Kid Rock - He's not Warren Zevon.  But is Randy Newman Warren Zevon?  And Warren Zevon, is he Randy Newman?  Maybe! BUT WAIT A MINUTE!  Is it Kid Rock in all those Adam Sandler Movies or is it Vanilla Ice? Confusion! Or is it Kid Rock or Vanilla Ice in all those Ben Stiller Movies?  Bewilderment! Oh! "More Than A Feeling" is on the Radio! Best Journey Song Ever!

Yeah, Thandi Newton on "Westworld" is HOT

You don't have to be Freud to understand why Ronan Farrow is so set on busting the guys that mistreat the Ladies. So this Summer we're all gonna go see Robert Downey Junior Versus Woody Allen in "Rock Em Sock Em Ronan Robot Versus Wock Em Sock Em Woody Wobot" "RONAN, I am your FATHER!!!" "NOOO!!!" That was a "Star Wars" reference for all the Squares. With Red from "That Seventies Show" as Clarence from "Robocop" "Give that man a Hand!" Remember that? "Uh . . . I'll buy that for a Dollar?" "Dumb ass!" "Red! That was Red!" Oh, Geez . . . Is Robert Downey Senior still around? He can do that bit he did as the Recording Studio Owner in "Boogie Nights" Rock Em Sock Em Ronan Robot and Wock Em Sock Em Woody Wobot have been Recording their pathetic Rock And Roll Songs in his Studio and they owe him Money. Aw, it's just an excuse to see Woody Allen Sing "You Got The Heat". These are "Boogie Nights"  references, you Neanderfucks! And right when Rock Em Sock Em Ronan Robot is freakin' out cause Robert Downey Senior won't let them have their "You Got The Heat" Tape Robert Downy Senior says "RONAN, I am your FATHER!!!" "NOOO!!!" "Dumb ass!!!!" that was Red from "That Seventies Show" again.  Wow, that would be a Good Movie! Terrible Blog Post but a Good Movie!

"Who? That Black Guy who cried after Jon Stewart yelled at him?" "I wish Jon Stewart would give me an excuse to kick his ass!"

Oh, this is Cute - Two Black Comics who aren't in the least bit funny are doing the EXACT same kind of TV Show at the EXACT same time. W Kamau Bell is doing a Show where he just kind of wanders around talking to oppressed Minority People on CNN and Wyatt Cenac is doing a Show where just kind of wanders around talking to oppressed Minority People on . . .  Uh . . . . one of those shitty Internet Networks, who cares? 

W Kamua Bell : Hi, you're the Gay American Indian we're supposed to interview, right?

Gay Indian : Yeah, but I prefer to call myself  an American Indian Gay Man.

W Kamua Bell :OH, SHIT! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I AM SO  SORRY! SHIT! 

Bell talks to his Cameraman

W Kamua Bell : You didn't get that of Film, righ? You didn't get that on Film, right? Oh, shit! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Cameraman : No, I didn't Film that. 

W Kamua Bell : Thank God! 

Cameraman : I'm not shooting this garbage. They're going to Cancel this Show as soon as they air that that Episode about the Puerto Rican Crack House.

W Kamua Bell : What?

Cameraman ; You made me spend two days in a Crack House full of Puerto Ricans.

W Kamua Bell : Huh!?

Wyatt Cenac walks up with his Cameraman'

Wyatt Cenac : Oh, you got to be the American Indian Gay Man first.

Indian : "American Indian Gay Mon"! What a Cool Guy!

W Kamua Bell : Oh, were you going to Interview him?  That's okay, you interview him first  and then I'll Interview him.

Wyatt Cenac : Cool!

W Kamua Bell : Just don't use up all the good "American Indian Gay Man" stuff!

Everybody laughs

2nd Cameraman : Is it true he dragged you into a Crack House full of Puerto Ricans?

Cameraman : Fuckin' A!

The 2nd Cameraman points at Wyatt Cenac

2nd Cameraman : He tried to get me to do that and I said "No way, Jose!"

Cameraman : Hey, we met a guy named "No Way Jose" in that Crack House! 

Everybody laughs

W Kamus Bell : Say, aren't you that "Daily Show" guy with that Story about how Jon Stewart yelled at you and you went in your Office and CRIED? 

Wyatt Cenac : Uh . . . Yeah.

Indian : You're that guy? The Crybaby guy?

W Kamua Bell : Why would you go around talking about that? 

Wyatt Cenac : Uh . . .

Indian : Because he's a CRYBABY!

W Kamua Bell : I don't even get why you would talk about the part where Stewart yelled at you. I mean, so your Boss yelled at you - That happens to everybody!

Indian : He's just a CRYBABY!!!

Wyatt Cenac : SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU -

W Kamua Bell : Careful Cenac! That's an AMERICAN INDIAN GAY MAN you're yelling at!

Indian : Oh, he yelled at me! I'm gonna go in my Office and CRY!!!

Whatever piece of crap Interet Network Cenac is Working for dumps his Crybaby ass and gives the American Indian Gay Man his own Show. Nobody watches it.

Cameraman : Why didn't we get any lines towards the end?

2nd Cameraman : Cause Lobsters1 SUCKS!

Lobsters1 : Oh, I'm gonna go in my Office and CRY!!

Indian : He doesn't have an Office.

 

 

Chevy Chase should have made a Movie with John Cleese. Eric Idle would have made a Movie with Larry The Cable Guy for a Burrito and a can of Pepsi.

Eric Idle's insane quest to squeeze every Penny he can out of being a Member of Monty Python continues. Idle is now making a Movie out of "Spamalot", the Broadway Musical he made out of "Monty Python And The Holy Grail" without telling any of the other Monty Python guys about it. John Cleese and . . . Uh . . . the other Monty Python guys woke up one Morning  and found out that Eric Idle was in New York making Truck Loads of Money  out of a Broadway Musical based on a Movie they had made Three Hundred Thousand Years earlier.  Do they now know that he is making a Movie out of the Musical  he made out of their Movie? Hey, Monty Python Guys! Read the Lobsters1 Blog, the Internet Comedy Site that is keeping that Eric Idle Rat Bastard under Surveillance!  Lobsters1 is sitting in a Car across the Street from Eric Idle's House right now!  It's like in "Scarface" when Al Pacino was sitting in that car across the Street from that guy who was going to make a Speech at the UN about South American Cocaine Creeps. Only we're scoping out Eric Idle before he can remake "The Life Of Brian" with all the Women in that "Ghostbusters" remake. No way is Lobsters1 going to pussy out on setting off the Bomb we've planted under Eric Idle's Car! NO WAY!

"It's In CLEVELAND!?! No, I'm not goin'!"

The more Time goes by since Mark E Smith Died the more Lobsters1 realises that Smith was The Greatest . . . What? You don't know who Mark E Smith was?  Seriously? You haven't got the slightest idea who Mark E Smith was and what Mark E Smith did?  Oh, but Lobsters1 is sure you know all about JON BON JOVI, don't you?  No! No, don't tell Lobsters1 that it's okay for you to know about Jon Bon Jovi because you don't like Jon Bon Jovi! No! No! You don't like Jon Bon Jovi but you don't know who Mark E Smith was? You might as well be The Biggest Bon Jovi Fan on Earth for all the difference that makes! YOU SUCK!!!!

"Hi, everybody!"

Jon Bon Jovi? What the Hell are you doing in my Blog? 

"I just want to say that when I read about Marky Smith dying in Rolling Stone -"

Rolling Stone! Of course!

" - I listened to a few Songs by The Fall out of curiousity and they were so good all I have done since then is listen to The Fall nonstop all day and all night wthout eating or sleeping and that is why the other Night at the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Ceremony I went onstage and yelled "MARKY SMITH ALAKBAR!!!!!!" and set off a Body Bomb that destroyed the whole place and killed everybody!" 

Oh, so that's what happened.

"Yeah!"

You're still not Cool.

Johnny Carson was the only Talk Show Host that was any Good. David Letterman? That guy is a DICK.

TBS is cutting "The Conan O'Brien Show" down to one Half Hour. ABC is cutting "The Jimmy Kinnell Show" down to one Half Kimmell.  Lobsters1 has no idea what that means but now that they've cut the Conan Show in half  there are a lot of lame Jokes wandering around with no place to go. Hopefully that Andy Richter Lard Ass is in the One Half they've thrown out. Sorry, everybody. Lobsters1 is only putting down Conan because he Loved the guy so much back in the Bad Old Days when Lobsters1 was still traumatized by his Complete Failure as a Stand Up Comic in New York City. In the Late Nineties Lobsters1 was a Pathetic Loser who didn't make it as a Stand Up Comic and was Working a Horrible Night Shift Job in Mississippi. Every Night Lobsters1 would spend his Lunch Break with a bag of Microwave Popcorn and a Twenty Ounce Coca Cola  watching the 2 AM Rerun of "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" and going "Conan is SO FUNNY!!! Conan is EVERYTHING I wanted to be when I was a Little Kid and now I am A LOUSY PIECE OF SHIT FAILURE  WHO SHOULD JUST COMMIT SUICIDE AND GO TO HELL!!!!!! I COULD NEVER BE AS FUNNY AS CONAN O'BRIEN!!!!!  I LOVE CONAN O'BRIEN!!!!! CONAN O'BRIEN IS MY COMEDY GOD!!!!!!" But then Conan Hosted "The Tonight Show", bombed as badly as Lobsters1 did as a Stand Up Comic in New York, and wound up doing a Show on TBS that was as humiliating as a Night Shift Job in Mississippi. So Lobsters1 is probably always making fun of Conan O'Brien becase -

"Uh, you're going to have to wrap this up."

"What?"

"This is going on too long.  Nobody reads this stupid Blog so from now on all the Posts will have to be half as long as they were before."

"Who are you?"

"I'm Andy Richter You don't recognise me because things are going so badly over at the TBS Conan Show I am starving to Death.

"Wow! I probably should have wrapped this up before we got to the part about you being Andy Richter, huh?'

"Yeah."

"SONIC REDUCER!!! AIN'T NO LOSER!!!"

Lobsters1 doesn't have any new Comedy Bits for the Blog today because he is busy Writing a new Article for Acid Logic, The Web Zine That Owes Lobsters1 A Lot Of Money.

"Oh, that's okay. I never look at your Blog anyway."

Do you read my Articles at www.acidlogic.com ?

"No."

How about my Comedy Pod Cast at www.thedevilisasissy.com ?

"Oh, God NO!"

Did you go see my Comedy Movie "The Dyslexic Dishwasher"?

"'THE DYSLEXIC DISHWASHER'!?! WAS THAT YOU IN 'THE DYSLEXIC DISHWASHER'!?!  I LOVED 'THE DYSLEXIC DISHWASHER'!!!"

There is no such Movie s "The Dyslexic Dishwasher". I was using Satanic Mind Control to disrupt your Perception Of Reality.

"BASTARD!!!"

And now you shall hallucinate that you are Face To Face with Marcia Gay Hardin!!!!'

"My Life Is Garbage! My Life is Shit! I Do Not Enjoy This One Small Bit!"

No, guys, it's The Crash News Network, not The Clash News Network "Oh." "We're about to break up anyway."

Everybody complains about how CNN is the only Network shown on TV Screens in Airports. It's a Horrible Problem and you will be Happy to learn that ACTION HAS BEEN TAKEN! CNN will still be the only Network seen in America's Airports  but instead of the Cable News Network the CNN  watched in Airports will be The Crash News Network "CRASHES! CRASHES! CRASHES! NONSTOP CRASHES! FLAMING CRASHES!  EXPLODING CRASHES!  DEADLY CRASHES! CRASHES WHERE EVERYBODY DIES!  You bitches thought you hated watching the Cable News Network in the Airport, now you can sit there waiting for your Flight and look at Video of Crash Victims being picked up piece by piece and carted off to the Morgue - IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!  Here's an interview with a former member of Lynnyrd Skynnyrd  who somehow survived that terrible CRASH!  "You used to be a glamorous Rock Star, now you are a broken down little old man who can't move his bowels without screaming in agony . . . " "I AM ADDICTED TO PILLS!!!"  "Join the Club, Goober!"  KAMIKAZIKAMIKAZIKAMIKAZI! "You are watchng The Crash News Network! You're Flight Takes Off In One Hour! You still have Time to get to the Train Station! Did you hear about that Woman who was almost SUCKED OUT OF THE PLANE WINDOW? SHE'S DEAD!!!! Flying is against GOD'S WAY!!!! Why don't thy hand out Parachutes? The Food is terrible!  If you're Burned you'd better be Burned To Death!  Fuck The Wright Brothers!  Hey, Rosie O'Donnell! Exploding Jet Engine Fuel may not be hot enough to melt Steel Girders but it's a Guarenteed Weight Loss Method that cannot be dismissed!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BOX CUTTER WILL DO TO YOUR ASS?!?

NEXT WEEK - A Frank Talk About Submarines

"We've got an Iran Song and it's a BIG HIT!" "Didn't you just Fire the guy who Wrote it?" "Uh . . . We're about to break up anyway"

A lot of talk about Iran in the News lately.  Every time they start talking about Iran Lobsters1 stops paying attention to wonder about that old Flock Of Seagulls Song "I Ran". 

Lobsters1 stands up and Sings "And I ran, I ran so far away . . . "

Lobsters1 doesn't know any other  words to that stupid Song.

But is that Song about Iran?  You know . . . And I ran, I ran so far away . . . You know - I ran, Iran? Iran, I ran? Is there some hidden message there? 

Lobsters1 is embarrassed to ask any one about this out loud "Is he Singing about Iran? Iran so far away? You know, cause Iran is so far away?  I think there's a really fast Guitar Solo in there somewhere.  Maybe I ought to listen to the Record but I already feel so DUMB about the whole thing. When Baby Boomers talk about Beatles Songs like that I want to kill them.  But . . . I ran, I ran so far away . . . "

"Excuse me, but we are talking about the Iranian Nuclear Weapons Agreement!"

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BOX CUTTER WILL DO TO YOUR ASS!?!"

"No! I am not the Indian Guy who performed at the Correspondent's Dinner last year! I'm the Indian Guy who was famous until I sexually assaulted a girl!" "Oh, well, at least you aren't the Indian Guy who performed at the Correspondent's Dinner last year." "Let's kill him anyway." "Yeah, let's kill him." "OH, THANK YOU!!!!"

Good News for horrible people who enjoyed Michelle Wolfe's unbearable squawking at the White House Whatever You Call That Thing  last Week End - They have just announced that the unbearable squawking at next year's display of hatred and contempt will be delivered by Bill Maher and Joy Behar surgically combined into Three Hundred and Fifty Pounds of Howling Psychotic Comedy Ineptitude "And TENTACLES!!!! The Drooling Stand Up Comedy Beast will have TENTACLES!!!"  says the Nazi Mad Scientist who be performing the operation "Sarah Hullaballoo Sanders will be chained to Dana Bash's Face so she cannot escape while the Bill Behar Joy Maher Orange Collusion Joke Beast wraps it's TENTACLES around her . . . Hey, let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.  They might decide to book Mike Tyson instead. But I'm going to sew Joy Behar and Bill Maher together anyway. Neither one of them survive the operation anyway. That's why I'm going to do it."

Why didn't Lobsters1 Write a Comedy Bit about Mike Tyson getting hired to Host next Year's White House Correspondent's Dinner?  Probably because Lobsters1 has been surgically sewn together with the Indian Guy that Hosted the Dinner last year and is even less funny than he was before. 

"They asked me to do it but I was Painting Howard Stern's Living Room that Weekend."

Michelle Wolfe's Comedy Bit at the White House Codependent's Dinner didn't quite work because because Wolfe is Orange and couldn't do the Traditional "Trump Is ORANGE!!!" Jokes that Trump Haters find so delightful. The whole time Wolfe was up there everybody was thinking "SHE'S ORANGE!!!! IS SHE RELATED TO TRUMP!?! A TRUMP RELATIVE NAMED AFTER A CARNIVEROUS WILD ANIMAL!!! GET HER OUT OF HERE!!!!" Dana Bash was so horrified her face was appropiate for the first time in her Life. Wolf Blitzer's beard fell off and went to live with the rodents. Anderson Cooper and Jake Tapper morphed into Anderson Tooper and Jake Capper and they have never been Happier!  Normal Humans were creeped out because they thought Wolfe was Debbie Wasserman Schultz. 

Lobsters1 was in his Apartment watching listening to The Dead Boys.

It's just one Article trying to figure out why the new Amy Schumer Movie is a Dud after another. They're desperate for something new to Write about now the "Collusion" thing didn't Work out.  "'I Feel Pretty' isn't a Hit because THIS . . . " and "'I Feel Pretty' isn't a Hit because THAT . . . " How come no one can deal with the fact that "I Feel Pretty" didn't do well because it was up against Broken Lizard's "Super Troopers 2"? It's like when Hillary Clinton lost the Election and they had to blame it on everything but the fact that she was running against Donald Trump. Now they will start telling us that Broken Lizard was in Collusion with  with the Russians to Distrupt the American Movie Industry.  Yeah, there was a Secret Meeting in Broken Lizard Tower  between The Fat Crazy Guy in Broken Lizard, The Little Guy With The Mustache in Broken Lizard, and the some weird Russian Lady promising to deliver Dirt on Amy Schumer. They're going to hate Broken Lizard so much for beating Amy Schumer Alec Baldwin will be on "Saturday Night Live" doing a terrible impression f The Fat Crazy Guy in Broken Lizard.  Hey, remember when The Fat Crazy Guy was on "How I Met Your Mom" as a Fat Crazy Porn Star? Alec Baldwin could never be that funny. Neither could Amy Schumer. 

"Who's got time for some schmuck Corespondents Dinner when all these little Kids got Muscular Distrophy?"

That thing where the TV News assholes have a Dinner in Washington DC and everybody pretends to give a shit just ended. Usually the President goes but but nowadays we've got a President who doesnt even pretend to give a shit so . . . There should probably be an end to that sentence but who gives a . . . Oh, why be unpleasant? All the TV News assholes were there, isn't that enough unpleasantness? Speaking of unpleasantness, there's usually a "Comedian" at this event,  who provided the "Comedy" this year?  Oh, yeah - Michelle Wolf? Who is Michelle Wolf? Oh, one of those "Daily Show" people. Wouldn't it be funnier if they did "The Dairy Show" instead of "The Daily Show" Something with those CGI Cows  in those Commercials where they make fart noises with balloons.  That would be funnier than anything you'll get out of anybody from "The Daily Show". Get some jerk from "The Daily Show"  to fill balloons with some dairy product and throw em at the TV News assholes "TAKE THAT, DANA BASH!!! I BET YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE THE DEAD BOYS!!!!" Who was the Big Comedy Star of this shindig last year?  Uh . . . Some Indian guy.  No, not the Indian guy who's on that "Silicon Valley" thing. No, not the Indian guy who was Famous until he sexually assaulted some chick and now is doing a Prop Act in some Comedy Club in New Delhi. No, not the Indian guy who is on "The Simpsons" . . . Wow, we went from "Not enough Indian guys" to "Too many Indian guys in no time at all , didn't we? The only funny Indian guy was Mel Brooks in "Blazing Saddles". They should get My Man Mel to perform at that thing next year. As Ghandi. But Mel Brooks will probably be dead next year. So don't have the damn thing next year. Nobody gives a shit.  Hey, remember when some Black Guy did the Comedy at that mess and called Obama . . . Well, you know. What Black Guys call other Black Guys.  Remember when Conan O'Brien did it and called Obama . . . Well, you know. What lame Harvard Guys call other lame Harvard Guys. Remember when that Little Girl from "Saturday Night Live" did it and called Obama . . . Well, you know. What Little Girls call other Little Girls. 

That's enough of that.

Kanye's new look has not caught on with Today's Happening Kids

Kanye West and the guy that draws "Dilbert" are Buddies all of a sudden! It's like if Hendrix and the "Peanuts" dude were grooving together back in the Sixties, man. There might have been a Far Out Hendrix "Peanuts" Comic Strip! WHOA!  Okay, that's getting a little carried away.  It's too bad Hendix didn't get carried away. Hey, Kanye got carried away and now he's doing GREAT! Lobsters1 has gotten carried away and it's just too damn bad he hasn't kept away.  What were we yelling about?  Maybe there will be a Far Out Kanye "Dilbert" Comic Strip!  Uh . . . "Far Out" is kind of Sixties.  A Woke Kanye "Dilbert" Comic Strip? Kids seem to say that a lot - "Woke". They're stupid, aren't they?  Anyway, I'm pretty sure the "Dilbert" guy is going to lose interest in this pretty fast.  Is Kanye the one that's Married to Beyonce?  Is Beyonce that Black Woman on "Z Nation"? Or is it "Nation Z"?  Oh, Wow - Maybe there will be a Kanye "Nation Z" Comic Strip! WHOA! That was "WHOA", not "Woke". Is "Dilbert" the one about a Cat that eats Lasagna?

CNN is considering a Name Change

Jake Tapper has a BOOK now! Just like Comey!  How much of an asshole do you have to be to get a Book out in 2018?  Does Bill Maher have a Book coming out? Oh, but Jake Tapper's Book is different because it is FICTION! Comey's Book is all made up too but . . . Aw, shit. Who is Comey Writing Fiction about in his Book?  Oh . . . Sorry I asked . . .  Tapper's Writing Fiction about Joe McCarthy and Roy Cohn.  Wow, are those Liberals IN LOVE with Joe McCarthy and Roy Cohn or WHAT!?  Baby Boomers make such a Big Deal over McCarthy and Cohn most Millenials think those guys were in The Beatles. A Fiction Book about Joe McCarthy and Roy Cohn by Jake Tapper!  That will make your Head swim enough to go upstream and spawn with the Salmon. Hey, Jake, at least you draw better Cartoons than that "Dilbert" guy. Maybe you can be Friends with Kanye!

"Wow, that Patrice musta been a funny broad!"

Gosh, those Comedy Shows on Sirius Satelite Radio sure are funny!  The other Morning Jim Norton, Opie from Opie And Anthony,  and Artie Lange were all yelling about how much they hate Anthony from Opie And Anthony and Lobsters1 laughed his ass off!  Then Opie from Opie and Anthony, Artie Lange, and Anthony from Opie and Anthony were all yelling about how much they hate Jim Norton and Lobsters1 thought he was gonna die!  And then Artie Lange, Anthony from Opie and Anthony, and Jim Norton were all yelling about how much they hate Opie from Opie and Anthony and . . . WHEW! FUNNY! WOW! Oh, forgot Nick Dipaulo! Or was that Jim Breuer?? How is Jay Mohr's Wife doing? Did Doug Stanhope finally die? Have they gotten over that Bill Hicks bullshit yet?

Comey might be in TROUBLE!!! Turns out that something he talked about doing while he was testifying to Congress was ILLEGAL!  So how come nobody in Congress didn't jump up and yell "HEY! What you just said you did . . . That is ILLEGAL!!!" Lobsters1 didn't see Comey testifying because he was at Work and didn't see Comey talking about doing something that should have made some guy say "Hey, wait a minute . . . That was ILLEGAL!!!" Which is good because then Lobsters1 would have been sitting around fuming about that while sitting around fuming about Alec Baldwin's Donald Trump impression on "Saturday Night Live" and "Hey, wait a minute . . . That was ILLEGAL!!!" and "Hey, wait a minute . . . That wasnt FUNNY!!!!" going on inside your Head at the same Time will completely hollow out your Skull. Those Idiots worship Comey so much he probably said something like "I was late to a Meeting with the President one day  cause I was busy with my Side Hustle selling Crack to Schoolchildren  and when I got to the White House . . . " When everybody is on the edge of their seats waiting for you to say something that will help them bring down Donald Trump they only pay attention to the "help them bring down Donald Trump" stuff. Something like "I have been bringing in Ten Million Dollars a Year selling Crack to your stupid kids" just goes in one ear and out the other. Oh, this was a mistake? Eat me.

Waffle House Shooting Hero James Shaw has become an Inspiration to Millions  as The First American To Get Up Off His Ass And Do Something since the end of The Second World War "Wow! If I had known about getting up off your ass and doing something I might have bothered to learn how to read!" "Getting up off your ass and doing something? If I had known about doing such a thing I might have helped my old Girlfriend when she got pregnant!" "If that Shaw guy had been around to show me about getting up off your ass and doing something I would have done more with the past Thirty Years of my Life than sitting around smoking dope and watching Cable TV!" Everybody stops talking about James Shaw for a moment. Then . . . "Eh, to Hell with that guy!" "Screw him!" "He's an asshole!" "What's on HBO?" "Where did you get that bong?" "Stole it from my old roommate."

"I bought a Jet Plane from Lynnyrd Skynnyrd!"

Now that ABC's "Roseanne" reboot is a Big Hit the Network is going to bring back Glenn Beck's Nineties Sit Com "Look At That Guy's Fruity Shirt!" Wait a Minute . . . Does anybody remember a Glenn Beck Sit Com on ABC Twenty Years ago? "Oh, it was a GREAT Show!" says Beck "It was about a Confederate Statue that comes to Life and goes around insulting guys that aren't carved out of Granite! Mount Rushmore was on it as my 'Posse'!" There was no such Show, right? Anyway, the first Episode of "Look At That Guy's Really Pretty Shirt!" was on ABC last night and Ten Billion People watched it. That's what Genn Beck says "ABC made me change the Title or they would feed my kids to the Giant Radioactive Rats!" Okay, that's it for talking about Glenn Beck today  "Some guy is Writing about me in a Blog that nobody reads!" Go away, Glenn Beck!

Donald Trump is throwing a Big Fancy Dinner for the Queen Of France so let's do a lot of Stupid Comedy Bits  about how he will be serving a lot of McDonads and Taco Bell food with plenty of Diet Coke.  Ha Ha. Because Donald Trump eats a lot of McDonalds and Taco Bell food and drinks plenty of Diet Coke. And then something where Trump gets twice as much Ice Cream as anybody else. HA HA! And it's a Party for somebody from France so they show a bunch of JERRY LEWIS Movies!  (Mention "The Day The Clown Cried" so we can be as "Hip" as Patton Oswalt!) Patton Oswalt? Forgot all about him.  I thought he would have become the Queen of France by now.  He sure seemed to be Auditioning for the gig. Anyway, watch Late Night TV the Night of the Party  and there will be a lot of FUNNY STUFF about it. Lobsters1 will be in his Room listening to Blondie.

Hey, Rob Reiner!

Rob Reiner made another Statement about how much he HATES everybody that isn't a Rich Hollywood Leftie giving everybody that isn't a Rich Hollywood Leftie another oppurtunity to call him "Meathead".  This happens every Week and a half or so. Nobody would be aware of Rob Reiner at all if it wasn't so much fun to call him "Meathead". They're going to redub every Episode of "All In The Family"  so instead of "Meathead" Archie Bunker will call Rob Reiner "Shitbreath". "Calling Rob Reiner 'Shitbreath' every time he says something really ugly and stupid will be even more fun than calling him 'Meathead'" says the Genius who will be changing all the '"Meathead"s on "All In The Family" into "Shitbreath"s "I'm going to make a lot of MONEY!!!!" What does Rob Reiner have to say about this? "I don't know. He's been kind of quiet lately" Maybe he died? "That would be fine with me." 

"Wow! This is the FIRST TIME I have been mentioned anywhere since 2017!"

It has been revealed that before he was The Waffle House Naked Guy Gunman Travis J Reinking was The White House Busted Guy Gunman. Why wasn't he The White House Naked Guy Gunman? That would have been so exciting he could have started a popular You Tube Channe. Guess he only resorted to the "Naked" thing to Jazz up going from that Classy White House to the rather mundane Waffle House. Lobsters1 hears that Sean Spicer guy is hanging out at The Waffle House with The Mooch and Steve Bannon "I wish some crazy naked guy would come in here and shoot us all right now! Hey, Hope Hicks! What have I gotta do to get a Cup of Coffee around here!?" And then Kid Rock gets in a fight with somebody. 

WAFFLE HOUSE!!! WAFFLE HOUSE!!! WAFFLE HOUSE!!!

The Black Guy that beat up the Waffle House Naked Guy Gunman is a National Hero! Good thing he didn't go to Starbucks instead of The Waffle House. That's what those two Black Guys who got arrested at Starbucks for just sitting around not ordering anything were doing - Waiting for The Starbucks Naked Guy Gunman "When is that Naked Guy Gunman gonna show up so we can be Heroes? OH SHIT! IT'S KID ROCK!!!!"

 

Can we talk about the Heroin in Carrie Fisher's system yet? 

Magnificent!

Whatever happened to that Dave Matthews guy? Just a few Years ago it was Dave Matthews this and Dave Matthews that - It was TERRIBLE!  How did we finally get rid of him? Bob Mueller, right? The Government got Bob Mueller to do a big Investigation into Dave Matthews and, even though it  took a long time and was really confusing, eventually Bob Mueller - The Greatest Man In America! - concluded his Investigation and - BOOM!!! - No more Dave Matthews!!!!

YAY, BOB MUELLER!!!! YAY!!!

That guy over there - THAT GUY! - didn't seem very enthusiastic about his "YAY, BOB MUELLER!!!! YAY!!!!" Get his name . . .

Man, I don't care if The Strokes ever get back together now that we got Hard Rockin' Joe Scarborough!

WAIT A MINUTE!!!!! JOE SCARBOROUGH ISN'T PLAYING AT COACHELLA THIS WEEK END!?! Lobsters1 is out here in the Desert for NOTHING? "Now you know how it feels to be an Iraq War Veteran!" Shut the fuck up, Bill Maher! If you think Coachella is terrible the VIP Tent at Coachella is like an Episode of "Coach" with "ella" instead of Jerry Van Dyke. Oh, St. Vincent is playing but no Joe? BIG DEAL! A skinny chick playing guitar and looking awkward and uncomfortable! Then someone informed Lobsters1 that St. Vincent is a LESBIAN with Glamorous Celebrity Girlfriends and he was instantly overwhelmed by the Power of her Revolutionary Music  and its Profound Message of Spiritual  Fulmonastication. Meanwhile St. Vincent was still playing guitar and looking awkward and uncomfortable. WE WANT JOE SCARBOROUGH!!!! Man, if Joe had been making Records Thirty Years Ago John Cougar would be on MSNBC Hosting "Morning Joe" and that Mika would have to do actual Show Prep to keep her job. Or maybe she'd just play guitar and look awkward and uncomfortable. Nah, she'd just play Bass. If John Cougar was on "Morning Joe" it would be "Morning Cougar". Nah, you'd think the "Cougar" was about Mika and you'd get sick. "I think it would be HOT!" Shut up, St. Vincent!

LOBSTERS1 FELT GOOD ENOUGH THIS MORNING TO WRITE A COMEDY BIT!!!

Lobsters1 is more Heartbroken over him killing Simon than Glenn or Abraham

Why didn't they hire Al Roker to play Nagen on "The Walking Dead"? Or is that guy's name "Negan? Who knows? The guy is so silly every time Lobsters1 sees him he thinks "That guy should be played by Al Roker"  Better yet, instead of Al Roker playing Nagen, Al Roker should just play himself as the Psycho Warlord of the Zombie Apocolypse. That would be just Lobsters1's Luck - Years of Struggle to Survive in a Nightmare World in which The Dead have returned to Eat The Living and the Supreme Ruler of those Still Standing is The Fat Weather Man On "The Today Show" "Yeah, it figures."

Lobsters1 should keep taking those Meds, huh? 

WHOA! How much Coffee was Lobsters1 drinking when he wrote THIS?

Oh! Oh! That War of Wits between Sean Hannitty and Jimmy Kimmell!  It's TOO MUCH to keep up with! It's like Oscar Wilde and Flo from the Insurance Commercials putting on Gorilla Suits and bashing each other with dead Leprechauns! If only Hannitty and Kimmell could travel back in Time to the Glory Days of the Algonquin Round Table! Somebody remind them what shape a "round" table is. Eh, just tell em it's the Algonquin Pizza Table. Cover the table with melted cheese and pepparoni. They'll know what's going on! Are Oscar Wilde and Flo still beating the Hell out of each other with the dead Leprechauns? I bet those Leprechauns were a Laff Riot on Leprechaun Twitter before they died. Send the dead Leprechauns back in Time to the Algonquin Round Table, see what Hannitty and Kimmell come up with em. There was no Twitter in the Days of the Algonquin Round Table, good thing we send em the dead Leprechauns. Uh Oh! Turns out that when you run a dead Leprechaun through a Time Machine it turns into a Horrible Monster and eats New York. Did they eat Hannitty and Kimmell? Well, at least SOME GOOD came out of it. Let's get to Work on destroying LA. 

"Wait . . . What Band are we in?" "We'll have to wait until they develop the Picture and put all the little words all over it." "Yeah."

In the Seventies every Rock Band looked exactly like every other Rock Band. Humble Pie looked exactly like Badfinger, Foghat looked exactly like Grand Funk, and they were all constantly begging to be on the cover of Rolling Stone.  So they put a picture of a few guys in a Drug Rehab Clinic on the cover of Rolling Stone, called every Band in the Business on the phone, and and told em that they were on the cover that Week.  And it fooled everybody. The only guy to notice the difference was Peter Frampton who was in Humble Pie. So to keep him quiet they gave him his own Record Contract and put him on the cover of Rolling Stone all by himself. "It's so lonely being on the cover by myself!" "Do you want us to put the other guys from Humble Pie on the cover with you?"  "No, no one will be able know which one is me! People will be in the Record Store going 'Oh, look! It's 'Bad Company Comes Alive' or it's 'Deep Purple Comes Alive'! I am so confused!" "Give us a break from the accent. You're making us sick."

He's a CREEP! And Hunter S Thompson was a PRICK! Lenny Bruce? NOT FUNNY!

Kids today are messed up. But it's not their fault! Remember back in the Seventies when we all got the notion that Keith Richards was The Coolest Guy In The World? These Poor Kids today grew up in a World full of adult men trying to be just like KEITH RICHARDS! They are so confused that now they've got the notion that Jerry Ohrbach on "Law And Order" is The Coolest Guy In The Word! The damn fools are trying to be just like Jerry Ohrbach after years of . . . Oh! I gotta go get wasted with a guy who thinks Mick Jagger is The Coolest Guy In The World, a guy who thinks Ron Wood is The Coolest Guy In The World, a guy who thinks Bill Wyman is The Coolest Guy In The World, and a guy who thinks Yosemite Sam is The Funniest Character in The Warner Brothers Looney Tunes. The Yosemite Sam guy has the Coke!

ANYTHING'S better than Amy Schumer. Or Tina Fey. Or Kirsten Wiig. Or Sarah Silverman. Or . . .

All of a sudden it's TIFFANY HADDISH!!! NOTHING BUT TIFFANY HADDISH!!! NONSTOP TIFFANY HADDISH!!! Are you talking about President Trump? DON'T!!! TALK ABOUT TIFFANY HADDISH!!! NOTHING BUT TIFFANY HADDISH!!! NONSTOP TIFFANY HADDISH!!! ROUND THE CLOCK TIFFANY HADDISH!!!

Lobsters1 just got an E Mail commanding him to change the Names of everybody on the Blog to "Tiffany Haddish". That bit about Keith Richards has to be changed to a bit about Tiffany Haddish. That bit about Elton John and Rod Stewart has to be changed to a bit about Tiffany Haddish and Tiffany Haddish.

FORGET THE NAMES YOU HAVE GIVEN YOUR CHILDREN!! FROM NOW ON THEY ARE NAMED TIFFANNY HADDISH!!!  YOU ARE TIFFANY HADDISH!!! WE ARE TIFFANY HADDISH!!! 

Thank You for reading The Haddish1 Blog.

And Now It's Time For Sixty Seconds With Michael Rapaport . . .

"Guy ain't got no Class!!!"

"Yo! Rapaport in Da House! You know what I'm sayin'? In Yo' Face! Droppin' Science! Brooklyn! Word up! Uh . . . Hold on . . . Whew! Gotta catch my breath . . .  Say, nice chair! Where did you . . . HEY! Michael Rapaport don't give a shit 'bout no CHAIRS!! RAPAPORT ON DA COURT!!! Defense!   Passing! Nike! ESPN! Brooklyn! . .  Whew!"

Sixty Seconds With Michael Rapaport!

"I'm takin next Week off, yo?"

Shut up with that 'yo' shit.

"Sorry."

Hey, Mike, you want to hear the new Theme Song for the Conan O'Brien Show?

"Sure!"

Michael Jackson Sings - "I always feel like nobody's watching me!"

"That is COLD!!"

I have no idea what that means. Get your dumb ass out of here.

"Brooklyn!"

 

He's an Oligarch, right? Dude is SHARP!!!

Lobsters1 wants to be an Oligarch! He has no idea what an Oligarch is but is sounds  COOL! Do we have Oligarcs here in America? Where do you go to get an Oligarch job?  Can you go to Oligarch School?  Look up the Local Community College, sign up for a few Oligarch Courses.  But until then just go to Wal Mart and get your self an Oligarch Hat!  "Hey, look at me! I'm an OLIGARCH!!! Don't mess with me!!"

A FUN LOBSTERS1 ACTIVITY THAT YOU CAN DO!!!

"So then he's all 'WHAT!?! You're out of the Pecan Pie!?! My Wife and I drove all the way to Florida for a piece of your Pecan Pie and now you're telling me you're all out of PECAN PIE!?!"

Want Every One To Think You Are A FUN GUY? Reenacting Charles Grodin's Best Moments in "The Heartbreak Kid" is THE THING TO DO!  People Love when Lobsters1 reenacts Charles Grodin's Best Moments in "The Heartbreak Kid" and now YOU CAN, TOO! Just ask People at Work or at Parties if they have ever  seen "The Heartbreak Kid" Starring Charles Grodin and reenact Charles Grodin's Best Moments from that Movie while they look on with Awe and Admiration. A GREAT WAY TO MEET GIRLS!!!  Haven't seen "The Heartbreak Kid" Starring Charles Grodin? WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!? Get a DVD of that Masterpiece and study it until you stand up, look out the window, and Declare "I am ready to reenact Charles Grodin's Best Moments in 'The Heartbreak Kid'!!" You will hear Trumpets.

Oh, if you ask people if they have seen "The Heartbreak Kid" and they start talking about the remake with Ben Stiller . . . Find some one else to talk to.

Lobsters1 Lives for Playing "Heaven Tonight" for People who have never heard it before (Just tell him you've heard it before)

Just found out that Cheap Trick, perhaps the Best Band Of All Time, will be Touring this Summer with Poison, perhaps the Worst Band Of All Time. But I don't want to bum Poison out. The Rolling Stones are perhaps The Best Band Of All Time - Hell, Yeah! Let's Bum Em Out!!!  But when discussing The Worst Band Of All Time you need to practice  Kindness and Compassion.  Jesus desn't like Poison but he can put up  with it when one of their Songs comes on the Radio. But then  some lousy Stones Song comes on the Radio and Jesus gets all  "'Start Me Up'? I HATE THAT CRAP!!!"  "Jesus . . . " "Oh, okay . . . " Jammin' with Jesus is a TRIP!!! That woud be a good Morning Radio Show - "Jammin' With Jesus" Somebody Write that down.  But who is Opening on this Cheap Trick - Poison Tour?  Cheap Trick can't Open for Poison - THAT WOULD AWFUL!  But remember when Cheap Trick Toured with Joan Jett and Heart  after they were all inducted into the Rock N' Roll Hall Of Fame and we found out that Cheap Trick was Opening?  Jesus was all "I Died on the Cross so Cheap Trick would be stuck opening for Joan Jett and Heart!?! CRAP!!!" "Jesus . . . " "Oh, okay . . . "

BAD NEWS FOR BONZO

There won't be any new Comedy Bits on The Lobsters1 Blog  Tuesday and Wednesday because . . .

(Cheering, Fireworks, Marching Band Music)

CROWD CHANTING : THERE WON'T BE ANY NEW COMEDY BITS!!! THERE WON'T BE ANY NEW COMEDY BITS!!! THERE WON'T BE ANY NEW COMEDY BITS!!!

Hey! Lobsters1's Mom is SICK!!! He has to go Visit her Tuesday and Wednesday!!

"What? There won't be any new Comedy Bits on the Blog because his Mom is sick?"

Yeah!

"Oh."

(Cheering, Fireworks, Marching Band Music)

CROWD CHANTING : LOBSTERS1'S MOM IS SICK!!! LOBSTERS1'S MOM IS SICK!!! LOBSTERS1'S MOM IS SICK!!!!

David Hogg : That is disgusting!

Donny Deutsch : Animals!

David Hogg : Shut the fuck up, Donny Deutsch!

(Cheering, Fireworks, Marching Band Music)

CROWD CHANTING : SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY DEUTSCH!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY DEUTSCH!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY DEUTSCH!!!!

Donny Deutsch : Tell your Mom I hope she feels better.

Lobsters1's Mom : Thank you, Donny Deutsch!

David Hogg : Well, that fucking ruined EVERYTHING!

"Lobsters1, you have really GOT to get over this Bai Ling thing! You know it's not good for you!"

So, what is this Week's Episode of "The Devil Is A Sissy" Comedy Pod Cast about?  Lobsters1 has about Two Hundred "The Devil Is A Sissy" Episodes piled up indide his Hard Drive with about Two Million Pictures of Bai Ling  and once Lobsters1 stops looking at all those Pictures of Bai Ling  long enough to figure out  which Episode of the . . . What was the Name of that Pod Cast again?  Oh, by the way, what is the Name of that horrible Vampire Movie  Bai Ling is in where where she walks up the Stairs with the Camera at the Bottom of the Stairs  so we can all look at her butt? Boy, that is . . . Anyway, Lobsters1 is going to figure out what Episode of . . . Oh! . . . "The Devil Is A Sissy"  is going to be Posted this Thursday at www.thedevilisasissy.com . But FIRST it's Time to Watch "EDMOND"!!! Have you seen Bai Ling in "Edmond"!?!  Lobsters1 has a great big pile of Spiral Notebooks full of "Edmond" Jokes.  Everybody hurry the Hell up and see "Edmond"  so then everybody will be able to get all those "Edmond" Jokes  and . . . Why isn't that dumb bastard doing "Star Trek" and "Star Wars" Jokes like all of those guys making a fortune Comedy Writing in LA?  What a DOPE!

"What? Am I the guy from Harold And Kumar? Uh . . . Yes! Yes, I am Kumar! Want to come to my House and watch Billy Squier Videos?"

"Hi, I'm George Takai!"

Don't worry, Folks, we're not going to make any Jokes about how he is gay.

"You may remember me as Sulu, the Asian guy from 'Star Trek' . . . "

Uh Oh! Lobsters1 just thought of a really funny Joke about how George is gay!  But we won't use it!

" . . . and you probably remember me in John Wayne's 'The Green Beret' . . . "

Just knocked out three more 'George Is Gay' Jokes. And they are REALLY funny! But they won't appear any where in this Blog! Promise!

"Oh? You don't remember me in 'The Green Beret'?  Swear to God! I was in 'The Green Beret' with John Wayne!"

Oh, man! Lobsters1 just Wrote Three and a half pages of REALLY FUNNY STUFF about George being gay! KILLER BOFFO SHIT!!!!

"What? No! I did not play the cute little Vietnamese By that Jim Hutton adopts and John Wayne promises to take care of after Jim Hutton gets killed in that Viet Cong Booby Trap and . . . Jesus Christ! What a Movie!"

It looks like Lobsters1 is going to Write a Book about George Takai being gay. It will never be Published but when you Write Four Hundred Pages of hilarious  Comedy Routines about the Asian Guy on "Star Trek" being gay you've Written a Four Hundred Page Book about the Asian Guy on "Star Trek" being gay. What the hell . . .

"Okay! Forget 'The Green Beret'! How about when I was in that Jerry Lewis Movie 'The Big Mouth'? Huh? Remember me in that Jerry Lewis Movie 'The Big Mouth'?"

Shit! Why couldn't Lobsters1 come up with Four Hundred Pages of Hilarious Comedy Bits about Donald Trump? That would have made a FORTUNE!  But NOOOOOO, it had to be Four Hundred Pages about . . . AW, SHIT!!!

"No, that wasn't Bruce Lee in 'Enter The Dragon'! That was ME, George Takai!  I'm a Martial Arts Expert! Really!  I can . . . AW, SHIT!!!"

"'The Big Mouth'? Oh, Yeah - The one with George Takai! But who the Hell is Charlie Callas?"

Lobsters1 was supposed to Write some funny stuff for the Blog  but was kind of depressed and decided to Write a Critical Analysis of Jerry Lewis' "The Big Mouth" instead.  Perhaps the most important thing about "The Big Mouth"  is that it Presents the Motion Picture Debut of Charlie Callas, the American Comedy Genius  most remembered for  breaking into a spirited rendition of the Eighties Pop Hit "The Kommissar's In Town" duting a Performance on "The Tonight Show"" "Don't turn around! Uh Oh Oh! The Kommissar's In Town! Uh Oh Oh!" Callas Sang and at last America had a Voice to . . . No, Lobsters1 isn't screwing around here, "The Big Mouth" and Charlie Callas are Hug Influences on The Lobsters1 Blog and The Devil Is A Sissy Comedy Podcast. What? No, there isn't anything about "The Big Mouth" or Charlie Callas on The Devil Is A Sissy Comedy Pod Cast. Oh, that's www.thedevilisasissy.com Yeah. Wait, don't go to www.thedevilisasissy.com just yet, Lobsters1 isn't finished Blogging about "The Big Mouth" or Charlie . . . Oh, CRAP!

"Smoking Pot soaked with Bug Spray? That's how we Wrote 'The National Lampoon Radio Hour'! Not really, I just said that to kill off all those Punk Kids and their Crappy Pod Casts!"

Oh My Gawd!!! Lobsters1 just found out that  kids are spraying Raid on Tobacco and Pot , smoking it, and DYING!  YOU DUMB DEAD DICKWEEDS!! Don't you know that Smoking will kill you?  You're supposed to spray Raid on BREAKFAST CEREAL and EAT it! It's an EDIBLES thing!  Lobsters1 just ate some Rice Krispies with Raid and . . . Ooooohhhh! Put on some Seals And Croft! Summer Breeze make me feel fine, Don't mess with me I got Jasmine in my Mind!Uh Oh! The Telephone is Ringing!  I always say that like Alice Cooper does in that "Under My Wheels" Song!  "The Telephone is Ringing!!!"  Hello, this is Alice Cooper! I Wanna Be Elected!! WHAT!?! Ten Million Kids  read in my Blog about eating Breakfast Ceral with Raid on it and they tried it and now there's PUKE all ovr the place and it's all my fault? Oh . . . Okay . . . Let me get my Mop and Bucket ready. I'll get right to Work on it.  Bye! (Hangs up Phone, rolls eyes like a little bitch ie David Hogg)  Ten Million KIds puked because of my silly little Comedy Bit and now I have to clean it all up. So now, to Entertain you while  I'm Mopping Up Vomit, here is . . . POISON!!! "Uh . . . Our Guitar Player CC DeVille can't play."  Why can't he play? "He ate Raisin Bran with Raid on it!" Oh, CC DeVille, how can you be so CC DeSilly? "I don't don't know. I just like to Party!" Well, where did he puke?  "He puked on our Tour Bus!"  Oh, well . . . Let me get my Mop and Bucket up the steps . . . Spilled a little Water on the Driver, Sorry . . . I thought there would be more GIRLS in here . . .

Better than The Beatles

Everybody is sick of The Beatles. If you are still reading this even though you know it is about The Beatles you must be an Old Hippy. Here is some Old Hippy Comedy for you - Shoo Shoo Sha Boo! Ten Million Piggies Living In The Zoo!  Shoo Shoo Sha Boo! If You Think About It THE WORLD IS A ZOO! Look at Paul McCartney and Hillary Clinton ever there, giggling and poking each other in the ribs.  What Horrible People!  But, as you should have caught on by now,  we will never get rid of Old Hippies like Paul McCartney and Hillary Clinton.  You can scream and yell at them to go away but that only makes them more determined to stay.  Oh, shit! Did that rhyme?  Just thinking about Hippies will corrupt your mind!  Quick! Put on a Punk Rock or Disco Record and get them thinking about spending all their Money  on a Nice  Place in Upstate New York where thry can . . . HA HA! Now we've got the Old Hippies thinking about how they've got to make A LOT OF MONEY like every other Square Head in America! HA HA! Hey, Lorne Michaels!  Get rid of that damn Martin Short! Even if it means getting rid of Steve Martin. Maybe you should get rid of Lorne Michaels, man! THINK ABOUT IT, MAN! 

Lobsters1 Looks Into The Future . . .

That's not Damn Yankees, that J Geils! Although Geils is from Boston so that covers the "Yankee" part. But "Damn"? Nah, it's never too late to be Saved by Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ! Hey, Peter Wolf! Get rid O' them Harlots! You wanna wind up like Donald Trump?

One Hundred Years from now Damn Yankees will be considered The Best Band In Rock N' Roll History. Nobody will have any idea what the "N'" in "Rock N' Roll" stands for but Damn Yankees will be everybody's Favorite Rock N' Roll Band  and people will sit around making Jokes about Ted Nugent, Tommy Shaw, Jack Blades,  and . . . Uh . . . The Drummer just like we used to make Jokes about John, Paul, George, and . . . Uh . . . Oh! Ringo before whatever goddam Rapper you idiots are talking about these days came along "What? What happened that One Hundred Years from now Damn Yankees will be The Last Jar Of Peanut Butter In The Underground Bunker?" (That will be 2118 Slang for the only thing anybody gives a shit about - "The Last Jar Of Peanut Butter In The Underground Bunker") I don't know what lead to everybody sitting around talking about Damn Yankees and passing around the empty Jar of Peanut Butter taking turns licking your finger, rubbing it all over the inside of the empty Jar, and then slobbering all over your finger  but it probably started when you idiots stopped talking about The Beatles to talk about that goddam Rapper all the Time.  "Remember on Jack Blades Appreciation Day when we ate all the labels on the empty Jars of Peanut Butter and got sick while Singing 'Sister Christian'?" Singing "Sister Christian"? You're gonna get sick no matter what you eat!

Saw her commercial on MSNBC this Morning! IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS ME ALIVE!

You want to understand why MSNBC losers Love Rachel Maddow so much,  try watching Stephanie  Ruhle on MSNBC. She's every Drunken Nag that ever got all up in your Face for saying The Wrong Thing about . . .  Crap, say ANYTHING around these Broads and it's gonna be Wrong. Everybody remembers laughing their asses off at Rachel Maddow on Election Night Night but where was Stephanie Rule?  You know where Stephanie Ruhle was - She was in some Dive screaming "NO FUCKIN' WAY!!!! NOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOO!!! HILLARY WON!!!! HILLARY WON!!!!  THIS IS BULLSHIT!! BULLSHIT!!!!! Do you have any Coke? THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!! WE'RE GONNA IMPEACH HIS FAT ASS!!!!" No wonder she's not in the Evening. But she's kinda cute. LET'S DO ANOTHER SHOT!!!!!

"Oh, shit - He's gonna make us listen to "Pet Sounds"!!!"

These Days the only thing anybody remembers about The Beach Boys is that they used to pal around with Charles Manson.  Well, not ALL of The Beach Boys were Buddies with Charles Manson. Brian Wilson was too busy with his "Never Leaving The Bedroom-Always Wearing The Same Pair Of Pajamas-Smelling Really Bad By Even Sixties Rock Star Standards" Trip to hang out with Charles Manson.  Aw, who are trying to kid, Brian Wilson? You would have LOVED to make The Family Scene but you were such a terrible mess not even Charles Manson wanted you around! And YEAH, Lobsters1 is talking as if Brian Wilson is right here with him because Brian Wilson really is right here with him! GO AWAY, BRIAN WILSON! "But Charles Manson is Dead, my Brother Dennis is Dead, my Brother Carl is Dead, and I don't have anybody to hang around with any more!"  "What about Mike Love?" "Mike Love is Dead!" "Mike Love is NOT Dead.  We just told you that so you wouldn't bother him!" "GODDAMMIT, LOBSTERS1!!!" "See? There he is right now hiding behind that pile of Money!"  "Say, that IS Mike Love! Hi, Mike!"  "Leave me alone, Brian."  "I liked it better when I thought he was Dead."  You guys talk between your Beach Boy selves. Lobsters1 is going to end this Bit before he goes Nuts and  and Writes something about Charles Manson  not really being Dead "You should Write something about Dennis and Carl not really being Dead!"  "YEAH!" Shut up, Dennis and Carl!  "Okay!" "Sorry!"

"Mister Kong Goes To Washington Is A Classic! Lobsters1 Loves The Scene Where Kong Eats Jimmy Stewart BON APETITE, Ya Big Motherfucker!

Face Book is controversial all of a sudden. Lobsters1 has done advertising in Face Book for "The Lobsters1 Blog" and and "The Devil Is A Sissy" Pod Cast . Maybe you'll be seeing Lobsters1 testifying in a Senate Commitee Hearing sometime in the Future . . .

Elisabeth Warren : Mister Lobsters1, do you like it when I move my head around like THIS or do you like it when I move my head around like THIS?

Lobsters1 : Stop moving your head so much! YOU MAKE ME DIZZY, MISS LIZZY!!! (Plays Little Richard riff on an Eighties Casio Keyboard) Hooooo!!!

John McCain : Oh, that crazy rhythm! It's stuck inside my brain! Oh, that crazy rhythm! It's driving me insane!

Lindsey Graham : Save it for New Year's Eve, awready! 

Warren : Mister Lobsters1 . . .

Lobsters1 : Say, Liz, do you SWING? You oughta meet my Uncle Earl!

Warren : Get this guy outta here!!!

Lobsters1 : It's Cool! I wanna go sniff around for that Huma! Hoooooooma!!

Paul Ryan : Mister Lobsters1, you left your Freddie Krueger Action Figure!

Lobsters1 : That's no Freddie Krueger Action Figure, that's my Uncle Earl!

Uncle Earl : I always wanted to be on C-Span!

 

 

Lobsters1 saw her on TV again this Morning "THERE SHE IS!!!!!! I LOVE THAT GIRL!!!!!"

HOLY TOLEDO, we gotta do something about all the packages blowing up in Austin! Isn't there something like the National Package Association we can blame it on? The NPA? A bunch of White Trash Right Wing guys who love to pack things in boxes and send em to people? "They'll take away my roll of Scotch Tape when they unpeel it from my dead sticky fingers!" I bet they REALLY like Christmas! Okay, that's enough of this. 

A SERIOUS MATTER . . .

Here is something Lobsters1 has been meaning to bring up with everybody - How come none of you watched Redd Foxx's Variety Show on ABC in the late Seventies? Lobsters1 was the ONLY person in America that watched that Series and when it was cancelled he knew that he was Damned to an Existence of Loneliness and Alienation . . . Let Lobsters1 talk about this while he can - Every time he sits down to Write a Blog Post about how uncool you all are for not making a Big Hit out of Redd Foxx's Variety on ABC in the late Seventies Donald Trump pulls some crazy stunt and that's all anybody wants to talk about for the next Twenty Four Hours!  So Redd Foxx had a really funny Show on ABC that was Produced by Bob Einstein and . . . UH OH! TRUMP CUT THE TRUNK OFF OF AN ELEPHANT WITH A CHAINSAW!!!!  No more time to yell at you assholes for failing to watch Redd Foxx's Variety Show on ABC in the late Seventies - TRUMP CUT AN ELEPHANT'S TRUNK OFF WITH A CHAINSAW!!!! Let's turn on Foxx News and watch them give a perfectly reasonable explanation for  cutting an elephant's trunk off with a chainsaw . . . OH! Sean Hannityy is talking about a massive herd of Pachyderms rampaging through Central Park . . . WOW! A Laser Beam just shot out of Lobsters1's forehead and blew up the TV set! Has Lobsters1 become a Super Hero? No, a Laser Beam shoots out of EVERYBODY'S forehead once in their Life  and Today was Lobsters1's Laser Beam Shooting Out Of The Forehead Day. If you have not had a Laser Beam shoot of your forehead yet be careful talking to your Friends and Family Members when they have done something to really piss you off. Hey, all you Losers quit bitching about how Great everything would have been if everybody had bought "Raw Power" by Iggy And The Stooges! If everybody had watched Redd Foxx's Variety Show on ABC in the late Seventies every New Year's Day you would wake up inside a gigantic Baby Ruth candy bar and by the time you ate your way out of that tastey tremendous treat it would be New Year's Eve and we would get TOTALLY WASTED!!!! YOU GUYS SCREWED UP!!!!

Wow! The Russians poisoned an ex Spy in England!It's like one of those Spy Movies Lobsters1's Dad was always watching when Lobsters1 was a kid and he'd get really mad at Lobsters1 for asking too many questions cause Lobsters1 was too little to follow the plot and Lobsters1 would start crying and then hs Mom would be all "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAKE HIM CRY!?!" "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!! I'M JUST TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE LEAK IN THE BATHROOM SINK?!!" "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE LEAK IN THE BATHROOM SINK!!" "I'M GONNA TAKE THE KIDS AND GO STAY AT MY SISTER'S HOUSE!!!" "YOU CAN TAKE THE KIDS AND GO TO THE MOON FOR ALL I CARE!!!" and Lobsters1 lost all interest in Existence. The Russians did that ex Spy a favor! If his Parents had been nicer he wouldn't have grown u to be a Spy! His kids are better off! What would happen if Lobsters1 took all the Pills his Doctor prescribed to him at once?

Some one does this every time they play "Who Are You" on the Radio

UH OH! A new Roger Daltry Solo Album to make all the Who fans feel guilty for not buying the terrible thing! The Curse Of Being A Who Fan - Feeling guilty for not buying all those terrible Roger Daltry Solo Albums.  But, Lo! This new Roger Daltry Solo Album has Pete Townsend playing Guitar on it! "Pete Townsend? That name is kind of familiar! Guy in Monty Python, right? He played Biggus Dickus in 'Life Of Brian', right?" "PETE TOWNSEND PLAYS GUITAR IN THE WHO!!" "Oh yeah! Quit yelling!  Bad enough there is a new Roger Daltry Solo Album!" BIG QUESTION - Are The Who Fans required to buy the new Roger Daltry Solo Album because Biggus Nose-us plays Guitar on the terrible thing? (Here comes the Happy Part)  No! No one has to buy that crap!  No one has ever had to buy an Album with Roger Daltry Singng on it.  We only did that because we were Teenagers and we were wasted.  YAY! Oh, here is the Funny Part -  Roger Daltry is about to do a Tour where he performs "Tommy" with an Orchestra!  Is Pete Townsend involved? NAH! Not even Pete Townsend is THAT much of a douche.

"Lobsters1 is a Bad Man!!! Lobsters1 is a Very Bad Man!!!!"

Nobody can afford to go to that Sandals resort! I'm gonna open a resort called Flip Flops! 

Lobsters1 just Wrote that Joke and now he's going to sell it to Andrew Dice Clay for Ten Bucks . . .

"Dice! I got a great new Joke for you!"

"I ain't buyin' no Joke from you! You made fun of Ellen and Oprah! You're a Bad Man! You're a very Bad Man!"

"Huh?"

"You had that picture of that kid from 'Lost In Space' sayin' 'You're a Bad Man! You're a Very Bad Man!' and if that kid from 'Lost In Space' says you're a bad man you're a very bad man I ain't buyin' no Joke from you! I Love that kid from 'Lost In Space'!"

"Dice, that kid from 'Lost In Space' didn't REALLY say I was a Bad Man! That was just a bit I did on my Comedy Blog!"

"Your Comedy Blog?"

"Yeah! That kid saying I'm a Bad Man was just something I made up!"

"You just made that up?""

"Yeah! Just like you saying you aren't going to buy my Joke was something I made up!"

"Oh! Uh, Okay, guess I'll buy the Joke then!"

"Great!"

"What's the Joke?"

"Nobody can afford to go to that Sandals resort . . 

"Uh huh . . . "

" . . . I'm gonna open a resort called Flip Flops!"

"Wha . . . I'M NOT BUYIN' THAT!!!!"

"Aw . . . "

"GET OUTTA HERE!!!! YOU SUCK!!!"

An Official Statement From The Dice Man . . .

"Listen Up! This is Official!"

"This Lobsters1 guy has dragged that kid from 'Lost In Space' into some bullshit vendetta against me, The Dice Man, and . . . 'Vendetta'? What the hell kinda word is that!?! 'Vendetta'! I ain't never said that!"

"Ha!"

"Lobsters1?! Is this another one of your depraved abominations against all that is pure and decent . . . Huh? 'pure and decent'? The Dice Man don't talk like that! You're makin' me say crazy shit in your Blog that I would never ordinarilly say in a juvenile attempt to make me look like a jackanapes! JACKANAPES!?! Where the hell did I come up with that!?!"

"Ha!"

"I HATE YOU, LOBSTERS1!!! I'm a little tea pot short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout! GODDAMMIT!!!!"

"Ha!"

"You're a BAD MAN!!! YOU'RE A VERY BAD MAN!!!"

"You tell him, 'Lost In Space' kid!"

"I'm not the  'Lost In Space' kid! I'm the 'Twilight Zone' kid!"

"Oh, yeah . . . "

"Ha!"

Lobsters1 has that Cyndi Lauper Song "Girl's Just Want To Have Fun" stuck in his head and it is driving him nuts! He pulled up to the Drive Thru at Wendy's and when the Wendy's person asked "How can I help you?" Lobsters1 said "When the Working Day is done, Girls just want to have fun, that's all they really want . . . " and was so embarassed he jumped out of his car and ran away. He left his car back there in the Wendy's Drive Thru.  He can't work up the nerve to go get it back. Does he have enough Money to get a new car? That Cyndi Lauper Song has taken over his mind!  Isn't it enough that he remembers to spell her name "Cyndi" instead of "Cindy"? Isn't that enough for that crazy chick? Didn't she say she just wanted to have fun? That "I want to be the one to walk in the Sun" is kind of . . . Aw, SHIT!

Hey, it's one of the Giant Crabs Lobsters1 was jabbering about! Does this mean that new "Death Wish" Movie isn't going to happen? Why couldn't they do something before "Phantom Thread" could happen?

Oh God, there's a new "Death Wish" Movie and it's probably even worse than the old "Death Wish" Movies. The only good thing about those "Death Wish" Movies is yelling "LOOK! IT'S JEFF GOLDBLUM!!!!" If you're a real Prankster you don't wait until Jeff Goldblum shows up to go "LOOK! IT'S JEFF GOLDBLUM!!!" You go "LOOK! IT'S JEFF GOLDBLUM!!!!" every time an Actor appears on the Screen  and everybody else is trying to hear what that Actor is saying.  Screw em! Yell "LOOK! IT'S JEFF GOLDBLUM!!!!"  at the top of your lungs and jump up and spit a mouth full of Kool Aid all over the Screen.  Screw "Death Wish" Movies!!  Oh, when Jeff Goldblum finally does show up and everybody is about to go "LOOK! IT'S JEFF GOLDBLUM!!!" you TOTALLY mess them up and go "LOOK! IT'S CHRISTOPHER GUEST!!!!" and run around the room spraying people with a Fire Extinguisher. Cause, you know, Christopher Guest had a Bit Part in "Death Wish" before he was in the National Lampoon Radio Hour and "Spinal Tap" and got Married to Jamie Lee Curtis. But don't talk about all that while spraying everybody with that Fire Extinguisher. Nobody cares about Chrstopher Guest.

 

 

"Yeah, that Jim Gaffigan is really goin' places!" "The Kid's got MOXY!" "Has he seen a Doctor?" "Wha . . . Oh! That was GOOD! Write that down!" "You Write it down, I could give a shit."

Can't wait to see Jim Gaffigan in that Movie about Ted Kennedy killing a girl and getting away with it "Uh . . . What Year is this Movie set in?  Have Hot Pockets been invented yet?  Can I play the guy who invented Hot Pockets?  Wouldn't a Movie about the guy that invented Hot Pockets be better than a Movie about some degenerate who kills a girl and gets away with it because he's from a rich family?  Say, I'm a really successful Stand Up Comic, why am I in this shitty Movie?  Do I really want to Work in Hollywood THAT much?  Oh, there's going to be a Musical Prduction Number where I dress up like Carmen Miranda and dance around with a pile of fruit on my head?  Will I get paid a lot of Money if I do it? I will? Sure, I'll do it! YEAH!"

Those 2008 Presidential Debates got pretty intense!

Geez, Rosita is CUTE! But her Boyfriends always get killed! What the Heck, she's worth it . . .

People have lost interest in "The Walking Dead" now that  now that The Evil Bad Guy Negan is starting to make more sense than The Nice Guy Hero Rick. Imagine how weird "All In The Family"  would have been if The Evil Bad Guy Mike had started to make more sense than The Nice Guy Hero Archie. It . . . What are you looking at me like that for?  AW, GO WATCH THE FRIGGIN' RACHEL MADDOW SHOW, YA NO GOOD FOR NOTHIN' PUNKS!!!

Lobsters1 has given up on "The Walking Dead" after more than a Year of trying to figure out the Trajectory of that Rocket Daryl blew up that bunch of Bikers with while standing behind that truck. Just Writing that sentence was enough for Lobsters1 to need a nap. Lobsters1 has charts and calculations on sheets of paper all over the place . . . Daryl is at Point A behind the truck while the Bikers are at Point B in front of the truck . . . The Rocket clearly came down out of the sky on top of the Bikers . . . The Range of a US Army Shoulder Mounted Rocket Launcher . . . SHIT! The George Romero Zombie Movies never had Lobsters1 sitting up all Night working on charts and calculations! Peter in "Dawn Of The Dead" never did anything  that had Lobsters1 going to the Store for Graph Paper and and Protractors! Hey, it's just a greasy redneck blowing up a bunch of other greasy rednecks, it's not Rocket Science . . . Oh, Shit - It IS Rocket Science!!!! What the Hell kind of IDIOT has to drag Werner Von Braun  V2 Swooshitude into something as Basic as a Zombie Opera? And are we ever gonna see Rosita naked OR WHAT!?! I know she was in Playboy but I already spent all my Money  on Graph Paper and  stupid Protractors!

Hey, OJ, you ever heard of . . .

OJ Simpson has a TV Show where he pretty much admits that . . . Well you know. The only appropriate response is to not watch the damn thing. People had no problem not watch Dana Carvey's Show on ABC or Chevy Chase's Show on Fox, why is abstaining from watching OJ Simpson giggle about the murders of two Human Beings (Not Dana Carvey or Chevy Chase, by the way) such a challenge? Don't watch it!!! And so what if OJ Simpson has already been to Prison? Prison means nothing to a person like that. Being locked up in a cell while everybody else is out there in the open is a Breeze to someone like OJ Simpson. But being on Television while everybody is watching "Game Of Thrones" or "The Walking Dead" - That would be even worse than getting fried to a crisp in the Electric Chair! So don't watch that shit.  That and whatever Mike Tyson is doing on TV these days. Or Nick Kroll. No Nick Kroll hasn't killed or raped anybody. He's just an asshole. 

Hillary Clinton went to India to yell at everybody about why she lost the 2018 Election.  Exactly where Hillary Clinton ever got the idea that people in India had any interest in why she lost the Election has yet to be explained but Lobsters1 can only conclude that if you are going to be doing a lot of yelling about how Evil and Stupid most of the people in America are it is a good idea to leave America  and travel all of the way to the other side of the World before you commence with the yelling. Maybe now that Donald Trump has run Twitter into the mud India is the new place for people to share their idiotic opinions. Instead of grabbing your Phone and typing out a quick Tweet you will get on the Plane to India , get off of the Plane, and start screaming and yelling at the Starving Hindus. Maybe once you have gone to India you stay there and continue screaming at people for the rest of your Life. Hey, Lobsters1 isn't putting down Hillary Clinton here, his Blog has turned out to be as big a DUD as everything Hillary Clinton has tried to do. If India is The Place To Be now that Twitter is over where do you go now that your Blog has gone down the Toilet? Ooooohhhh, maybe it's BRAZIL! That's where the Girls with the Nice Asses are! Maybe Lobsters1 can dump this stupid Blog to go to Brazil and do Comedy Bits for the Girls with the Nice Asses!  YEAH! Thanks, Hillary! Oh, Hillary did not appreciate that stuff about the Girls with the Nice Asses. Let me go back and add in a few Spanking Jokes. Some Lesbian Spanking Jokes about her and Huma. HOW 'BOUT THAT, LADY!?!

"Making fun of OPRAH! You're a BAD MAN! YOU'RE A VERY BAD MAN!!!!"

Oprah Winfrey says that Political Candidates should just discuss the Issues without getting into a lot of negative stuff about their Opponents. Which is something we have already heard a Million times from a Hundred Million People in the Past. But THIS Time it's DIFFERENT because we are hearing it from OPRAH WINFREY!!! Yeah, there is nothing new or interesting to this at all but it's OPRAH WINFREY!!!! So . . . How come Lobsters1 doesn't just call her "OPRAH"? Well, it's not like . . . What? Doesn't Lobsters1 LOVE Oprah? Uh . . . Yeah, Lobsters1 LOVES Oprah. Yeah. Forget Lobsters1 brought this up. Oh, Okay . . . Everybody go see that NEW MOVIE Oprah is in!  Sorry, Lobsters1  doesn't know the Title but it's THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE!!! Cause OPRAH is in it! Lobsters1 LOVES Oprah! Oprah is SO GREAT! And, don't forget, if you are running for Office just stick to the Issues!  Nothing negative about whoever you are running against!  YEAH! GOD, THAT IS SO BRILLIANT!  OPRAH IS BRILLIANT!!!! 

I will never mention that damn Woman again for as long as I Live.

"I hope those boats can get us out of here before that new 'Nine To Five' Movie comes out!"

Jane Fonda, Dolly Parton, and . . . Uh . . . Lily Tomlin might do a sequel to "Nine To Five". But wouldn't the Working Women in "Nine To Five" have retired by now? Shouldn't Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton, and . . . Uh . . . Jane Fonda have retired by now? That Movie was so long ago I think Rudy Valentino played their Boss. Who played their Boss in that Movie? Dabney Coleman? My God, Dabney Coleman could not be more forgotten if he was . . . You now . . . that guy . . . Anyway, Dabney Coleman is going to be in the new "Nine To Five" Movie, right? Oh no! Dabney Coleman is DEAD! First Mick Jagger's Girlfriend and now THIS! I thought Lily Tomlinwas Dead until I heard about this new "Nine To Five" thing. But I'm not putting Lily Tomlin down.  She was SO FUNNY on "Rowan And Valentino's Laugh In". And don't hold a grudge against Jane Fonda for posing on that North Vietnamese Anti Aircraft Gun. That was a long Time ago.Lobsters1 thought it was a Trojan Catapult.

"Yeah, Chuck Todd! You keep at it with that crazy Walter Cronkite bullshit!"

Oh, ANOTHER Donald Trump Controversy! This guy couldn't ruffle more feathers if he was Ted Nugent at a Turkey Shoot! What did Donzo do this time? (Keep moving until they forget that thing about Ted Nugent at the Turkey Shoot) If you are Chuck Todd you might want to sit down for this, everybody else is too Kung Pow over the Ted Nugent Turkey Massacre to give a Peanut on a Pay Day - It seems, Chuck, that the President called you "a sleepy son of a bitch". What do you think about that? This is your Big Day to make all kind of Stanley Kowalski facial expressions for the Camera . . . Chuck . . . Chuck . . .WAKE UP, YOU SLEEPY SON OF A BITCH!!!! Too much "Ted Nugent Turkey Shoot" Talk, eh? Let's try the "Put One Hand In The Warm Bowl Of Water" Trick and see what happens. Uh Oh! Who put that  Great White Shark in the warm bowl of water?  What a shame? What were Chuck's Last Words?  "We're gonna need a bigger boat"? WHAT? I don't get it! 

"You ought to make some Jokes about Mick's Girlfriend hanging herself! Hee Hee!"

Lobsters1 is so OLD he spent years thinking about how Great it would be when Keith Richards made a Solo Album. Anybody else spent decades going "Yeah, the new Stones Album SUCKS, but just wait until Keith Richards makes a SOLO ALBUM!!!  OH, WOW!!! GOSH!!! (Rolling around on floor making gurgling sounds until someone puts on  "Some Girls")? And Finally One Fantastic Day . . . The Berlin Wall Went Down!!!  "What?" Sorry . . . And Finally One Fantastic Day . . . Keith Richards Is Making A Solo Album!!! "What?" Keith Richards Is Making A Solo Album!!! "I'm Sorry, I hurt my ear after all those years of rolling around on the floor making gurgling sounds . . . Did you just say that Ron Wood is making a Solo Album?  Ron Wood is ALWAYS making a Solo Album, I REFUse to roll around on the floor making gurgling sounds over Ron Wood making a Solo Album! No more rolling and gurgling!" No! I said KEITH RICHARDS is making a Solo Album! Long Pause as Lobsters1 stares off into Space. A Comet appears in the distance. The Comet gets closer. The Comet gets closer. The Comet is one inch away from Lobsters1's Head. The Comet crashes into . . .  (Rplling around on the floor and gurgling) "Don't tell him who Keith Richards has Playing on his Solo Album with him. Let him enjoy his rolling around and gurgling while he can."  Yeah, Waddy Wachtel! Can you believe that? Waddy Friggin' Wachtel! That was after Johnny Thunders died, right? It HAD to be!

"H a Ha! You Mick Jagger had Girl Friend but she HUNG HERSELF? Lobsters1 Write 'Mick Jagger Girlfriend Hung Herself' Joke Book! BIG FUNNY!!!!"

Will there be a Meeting between Donald Trump and that North Korean guy?  You know, What's His Name.  No one can remember his Dumb Ass Korean name.  No one wants to calll him "Rocket Man" because it bums out Elton John, so we call him "What's His Name". But that doesn't quite DO It, right? Will there be a Meeting between Donald Trump and that Fat Idiot? Why would we want Our Beloved President to Meet a Fat Idiot?  No, wait - Our Beloved President is a Fat Idiot! They should do more than just Meet, they ought to Move In together and open a Bed And Breakfast in the DMZ. GO AWAY, FAT IDIOT! What were we talking about? I've lost interest.

"Everything I've done since 'Saturday Night Live' may not be that great but it's sure better than everything you've done since Monty Python!" "What about The Rutles?" "Fuck The Rutles!"

Did you know that while Chevy Chase and Eric Idle were shooting "European Vacation" they Wrote a Script for a Movie called "Australian Vacation"? Did you know that? What the Hell are they teaching you kids in the Schools these days?  How come there was never an "Austrlian Vacation" Movie? Because as soon as Australia found out about that Script half of Australia beat the crap out of Chevy Chase and the other half of Australia beat the crap out of Eric Idle. Don't worry, the Kangaroos and Koala Bears took care of all the Business in Australia while all of the Human Australians were out of the Country beating the crap out of Chevy Chase and Eric Idle.  Did you know that while Ken Marino and Michael Showalter were shooting "Hot Wet American Summer" they Wrote a Script for a Movie called "Hot Wet Australian Summer"? Not really. That's bullshit. 

Lenny Bruce is for CREEPS!

How come nobody remembers that Ernie Kovacs used to Host "The Tonight Show"? Yeah, Ernie Kovacs - The Guy who always smoked a Cigar and Died in a Car Crash - Hosted "The Tonight Show" at the same time tha  Steve Allen was Hosting "The Tonight Show". Kovacs would Host "The Tonight Show" one Night, Allen would host it the Next, then Kovacs would Host it . . . That's why Ernie Kovacs died in that Car Accident - He couldn't decide if he was going Home or if he was going to "The Tonight Show" and his Car went in two Directions at once . . . It was TERRIBLE! So now everybody remembers that Steve Allen Hosted "The Tonight Show" but all they remember about Ernie Kovacs is . . . Eh, you know. But his Wife was A LOT better looking than Steve Allens!

"Pleh! Pleh!"

Lobsters1 was obsessed with Ernie Kovacs when he was a Kid in the Late Seventies. Lobsters1's Favorite Comedian in those Days Chevy Chase was always talking about his Favorite Comedian when he was a Kid Ernie Kovacs so . . .  . . Wow, no wonder Lobsters1 is so messed up now that he isn't a Kid! So Lobsters1 turned out to be just like his Hero  Chevy Chase after all! Except for the "Success" part. But the "Everybody Thinks He Is A Pain In The Ass" part? Oh Yeah, Lobsters1 has fulfilled his Dream of being just like Chevy Chase at last! Was Ernie Kovacs a Pain In The Ass?  Maybe, but that was back in the Fifties. Everybody was a Pain In The Ass back in the Fifties.  That was why the Sixties seemed to be so Great.  But what do the Sixties seem to be like NOW?  Ugh, where's the Pepto Bismol? If Ernie Kovacs had been around in the Sixties there would have been no need for all that Beatles-Woodstock-LSD crap. Kovacs was a TRIP! And then in 2018 Chevy Chase would be The King Of Comedy! And Lobsters1 would be making Ten Million Dollars a Year with this Blog!  But there goes Lobsters1 being a Pain In The Ass again . . .

 

In the Late Seventies when Chevy Chase was really Popular and turning out to be a Pain In The Ass he always talked about wanting to be like Ernie Kovacs and everybody always talked about wanting him to go for a Drive "Hey, Chevy! Look! A Maserati! Wanna go for a drive in a Maserati?" "A Maserati? WOW!" And he'd drive off in a Maserati . . . "There he goes!" But Five Minutes later he'd come back . . . "Aw, it's HIM again!" "Hey, Guys! I had this real ERNIE KOVACS kind of idea . . . " "Oh, man!" "Yeah, I sit down to eat a Sandwich and . . . " "Hey, Chevy! Look! A Rolls Royce! Wanna go for a drive in a Rolls Royce?" "A Rolls Royce? WOW!" And he'd drive off in a Rolls Royce . . . "There he goes!" But Five Minutes later he'd come back . . . "AW, it's HIM again!" "Hy, Guys!  I had an idea for a really ERNIE KOVACS kind of a . . . " "Oh, man!"  "Yeah, I open my Closet to get my Coat and . . . " But they ALMOST got rid of Chevy Chase when they gave up on the Car Crash in favor of "Hey, Chevy! Look! A Suitcase full of COCAINE!" "A Suitcase full of COCAINE? WOW!" But that's not funny. Not in 2018, anyway. 

Chevy is trying to tell Eric about Ernie Kovacs while Eric is trying to tell Chevy about Spike Milligan

It's too bad Ernie Kovacs died before Chevy Chase became a Success.  They would have been BUDDIES!  They would have gone on a trip to Waikiki together  and Ernie would have driven a Car over a Cliff . . . See, that's a Joke about - "John! You just drove thru a RED LIGHT!!!!" "Oh My God! No Time to turn! I got to laugh cause I know I'm gonna DIE! WHY!!!"

Iggy knows what Money's for!

Tom Steyer continues to blow Millions and Millions of Dollars in his Campaign to get Donald Trump Impeached.  Doesn't this guy have anything better to do with his Money?  If most guys had that Money they'd be spending it on Women or . . .  "WHAT!?! WOMEN!?! You can get GIRLS if you have a lot of MONEY!!" "Wha . . . HELL YEAH, Tom, you can get GIRLS if you have a lot of MONEY!!!" "REALLY!?!" "Tom, you ever been to a Strip Club?" "A STRIP CLUB!?! ME?!?" "How much Cash have you got with you right now?" "Uh . . . I've got three and a half Million in that jacket over there." "Great! Tom and I are going out for a beer. Tom! Don't forget your jacket! Let me make a quick call . . . I need two tickets for the first flight to Vegas tomorrow Morning. Vegas? Make that Thailand, what the Hell . . . "

What Are We Going To Do About Matthew Perry?

Somebody help this Poor Man!

Are we really going to sit around  talking about Global Collusion and Russian Warming while the Beloved Star of "Friends" walks around looking like Bill Murray in a Wes Anderson . . . THAT'S IT! Matthew Perry is trying to do that Bill Murray thing  where he's always wasted and everybody thinks it's Cute and Funny  only when Matthew Perry is always wasted it's Sad and Depressing "I'm sorry I was such a Bad Influence on Matthew Perry!" says Bill Murray. How does Lobsters1 have such insight into Matthew Perry's problems? "Well, I was kind of  secretive about this until I got my Movie Deal with The Lifetime Channel, but like Matthew Perry, I have been diagnosed with Bill Murray's Disease. Before I got my Life straightened out  and started The Lobsters1 Blog I spent most of my Thirties and Forties wasted and thinking it was Cute and Funny when in fact it was Sad and Depressing. Yeah, I spent my Thirties and Forties on Booze. Luckily I saved my Tens, Twenties, and Fifties and bought a Boat! Ha Ha! See? NOW I'm Cute and Funny! "THAT was Sad and Depressing!" "OH, GODDAMMIT!!!" "Face it, some guy's Lives are Directed by Harold Ramis and other guy's Lives are Directed by Sofia Coppolla" WHAT?!?! THAT'S how it Ends? "Some guy's Lives are Directed by Harold Ramis and other guy's Lives are Directed by Sofia Coppolla"? What are you, FRENCH? You want me to Work Frank Tashlin into this?  Cause I will! You mess with me and I will Work Frank Tashlin into this!  Cause I will! You mess with me and I will Work Frank Tashlin into this!! "What!?! ? THATS how it ends? 'You mess with me and I will Work Frank Tashlin into this!"? OH, SHUT UP!

Fifty Thousand Drinks Ago . . .

Are there Two Episodes of "Friends" where Matthew Perry looks kind of the same in one as he looks in the other? Cause every Time Lobsters1 ever watched "Friends" he thought "Hey,  in this Episode Matthew Perry looks like the Bass Player in The Knack!" or "Wow! In this Episode Matthew Perry looks like Morey Amsterdam in 'Machine Gun Kelly'!" or  "Wha? In this one Perry looks like some Drunk I threw off of a Roof in New York!" Did Matthew Perry have a Silly Putty Face back then or what? Every Day he'd come in with his Face all messed up from Little Kids  pressing the Newspaper Comics Page up against it and they would try to get it to look as much as possible  like it did the Day before. Is that why his Movie Career didn't Work out?  "We don't have to spend an Hour getting PAUL RUDD'S Face to look as much as possible like it did the Day before!" Yeah, Matthew Perry Bits! I got beaten to a bloody pulp for doing CNN Bits so from now on it's gonna be Nonstop Matthew Perry Bits!

That new version of "The Odd Couple" version of "The Odd Couple" with Matthew Perry and Tom Lennon has got to be The Greatest.  Lobsters1 has really got to check that out!  When is it on?  What? WHAT!?  CBS cancelled "The Odd Couple" with Matthew Perry and Tom Lennon?!?!  Oh, man!  It was doing GREAT, but . . . "Man, we have been Working our asses off on this Show but Lobsters1 is still TOO BUSY to watch us! Who cares about Millions of devoted Fans and Viewers? If Lobsters1 doesn't watch us, what's the point?  To Hell with it. I QUIT!" And they all went Home to sit by the Pool and  drinking Vodka and weeping "WHY, LOBSTERS1? WHY?" Everybody in Hollywood retires and goes to Live in the Woods. That Blonde on "The Big Bang Theory" gets Married to a Wood Chuck.  I would have checked out "The Odd Couple" but I was going through some stuff.  Don't want to talk about it. Sorry, Matthew Perry. Sorry, Tom Lennon.  Sorry, who ever Plays Murray The Cop. Oh, Lobsters1 was supposed to Play Murray The Cop? They were all sitting around waiting for Lobsters1 to show up and play Murray The Cop? SCREW THAT! Lobsters1 is going to get a Wood Chuck costume and put one over on that Blonde from "The Big Bang Theory"!

"I'm Chevy Chase and you're not interested"

SOMEBODY ATTACKED CHEVY CHASE!?! Who would do such a thing? Well, yeah, Bill Murray. But that was Forty Years ago, like everything interesting about Chevy Chase and Bill Murray. But Lobsters1 thinks Chevy Chase is THE BEST!  If it wasn't for Chevy Chase there woud be no Lobsters1! No, Chevy Chase isn't Lobsters1 's Dad. If Chevy Chase was Lobsters1's Dad Lobsters1 would have been one of the guys that played Rusty in the "Vacation" Movies. - Michael Anthony Hall or or the mope who played that Chickenshit Guy on "The Walking Dead". Uh, looking back on Lobsters1's Life he would be played by the Chickenshit Guy on "The Walking Dead". When Lobsters1 was a kid he Wrote a stupid fan letter to Chevy Chase  about wanting to be a Comedy Writer when he grew up and Chevy Chase picked up an ink pen, graded all of the Spelling and Grammar in the letter,  gave it a C+, and sent it back to Lobsters1. Lobsters1 thought that was kind of fucked up but Twenty Years Later realised that it was really funny.  And that's Chevy Chase for you - He does something that you think is kind of fucked up but Twenty Years Later you realise that it was really funny. So Twenty Years From Now we'll look back onthis and have a Good Laugh - At Chevy Chase getting attacked. Not at anything in Lobsters1's C- Blog.

Messin' With CNN . . .

"My Sources tell me that in the Early Nineties Lobsters1 liked GUNS N' ROSES MORE THAN NIRVANA!!!! HE LIKES JERRY LEWIS MORE THAN LENNY BRUCE!!!! OH! OH!"

Are the School Shooting Survivor Kids' comments on CNN scripted by the Network? Let's look at some Comments from these Brave Children that have been heard on CNN . . .

"Boy, those Jake Tapper Cartoons are FUNNY! Jake Tapper Cartoons on Sunday Morning are the Entertainment Highlight of my Week!"

"Jake Tapper is a Cartoonist God! Seth McFarlane is not good enough to shine Jake Tapper's Shoes! They let Seth McFarlane Host the Academy Awards, when are they going to let Jake Tapper Host the Academy Awards?"

"Jake Tapper could do a better Animated Show than 'Family Guy' or 'American Dad'! When is a Network going to give Jake Tapper Five Million Dollars to do an Animated Show? YAY, JAKE!!!"

"You know who else is GREAT? BROOKE BALDWIN!!!! I think she is . . . I'm sorry, you're going to have to pay me A LOT MORE MONEY to say that shit!"

KISS accepting the "Best Band Of All Time" Award at the 2017 Herp A Derp Awards "Thanks!"

It's only February but the Battle to get an Ace Frehley Balloon in this Year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has BEGUN! Hey, Ace! Get outta bed! The Battle to get a Balloon of your Crazy Self in the Thanksgiving Day Parade has BEGUN! "Oh, you should time it so the Alarm Clock goes off at the exact same instant you say 'BEGUN'!" Oh . . . Okay . . . "You make me listen to that before I can get some Coffee and I'm gonna strangle you." Okay, Ace.

STEP ONE IN "OPERATION GET AN ACE BALLOON IN THAT FRIGGIN' PARADE - Ace Goes To Macy's To MAKE THE CASE! 

"Where's Mister Macy? Mister Macy! Mister Macy! I'm Ace Frehley! Say, what are you eating?"

"Ace, this isn't Macy's. You wandered into International House Of Pancakes by mistake."

"PANCAKES!?! DON'T MIND IF I DO!!

"Ace . . . "

"Look at me! I'm wearin' a stack o' pancakes for a HAT! I'm Guardin' Buckinham Palace!!!"

Eh , it's only February, right? We have plenty of Time to work on getting that Balloon in the Parade, right? We've done enough for now, right?

A TOP SECRET MEETING WITH TRUMP AND PUTIN !

"Here is Evil Plan, Comrade Donald!"

"Why are you talking like that? Who talks like that?"

"Sorry, just trying to sound all Espionage-like."

"Don't try so hard!"

"Anyway, here's the Plan - We buy ads on Face Book that will provke even more fussing and bickering during the Election than usual."

"Uh huh?"

"Yes."

"Uh . . . So that's it?"

"Yes."

"Face Book ads?  That's the BIG PLAN?"

"Yes, Face Book ads."

"Nothing like hacking into Computers to steal Votes and all kinds of crazy shit like that?"

"What? Is that even possible?"

"I don't know! But . . . "

"So what do you think of the Face Book thing? HARD CORE, huh?"

"Eh . . . Talk to me about it with your Scary Russian Mobster voice."

"Buy ad on Face Book! Much DISCHORD! Destroy Democracy!"

"Well . . . if you put it that way . . . "

"When Trump return Peter Frampton Eight Track?"

"What?"

"Trump borrow Peter Frampton Eight Track! NO RETURN!"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're a DICK!!!"

 

Who needs Tom Petty now that we've got Joe Scarborough And The Heartbreakers?

Rockin' Joe Scarborough has a new Gun Protest Song but but every time he starts to Sing it on "Morning Joe" everybody turns the TV off to go out and buy a Gun. So far eleven Guns have been bought by "Morning Joe" Viewers. 

(Silence. Lobsters1 looks around)

Because only ELEVEN people watch "Morning Joe"! When he Sings his Gun Protest Song everybody watching "Morning Joe" buys a Gun. But only Eleven People watch . . . Oh! Turns out that every time Lobsters1 makes fun of Joe Scarborough in his Blog everybody shuts off their PC to watch "Mornng Joe". So now TWELVE people watch "Morning Joe".

(Silence. Lobsters1 looks around)

Hey, at least Silence is better than a Joe Scarborough Song!

 

Michael Rapaport says "Joe Scarface-o ROCKS!"

Nothing Funnier than a Monkey so when Professional Monkey Boy Michael Rapaport got fired from Barstool Sports Lobsters1 immediately gave him a Job here at The Lobsters1 Blog. We're starting him off slow cause we don't want to have to change his Diaper more than once an hour so his duties so far are just sticking his head in the toilet, flushing the toilet, and giving himself a "Swirlie". And then Rapaport goes over to The Dollar Tree across the Highway and Sings "Swirlie! Swirlie! I gave myself a Swirlie!" And the Lady Cashier over there at The Dollar Tree will change Michael's Diaper for a can of Mountain Dew! Why did they fire that guy from Barstool Sports? Oh, Yeah - He's a Monkey.

Ain't no pictures of Patricia Clarkson on THIS Blog!

People are forever telling Lobsters1 that he went to High School with Patricia Clarkson. There are a Million things Lobsters1 does not remember from High School and one of them is Patricia Clarkson. "Oh, she is an Actress and she was in 'The Untouchables'?" There are a Million things Lobsters1 does not remember from "The Untouchables" and . . . "Sean Connery was in it, right? Did I go to High School with Sean Connery? Was Sean Connery with us when we all went to Biloxi to see Aerosmith and they SUCKED?"  "THAT SUCKED!!!" "What sucked, Sean?" "THAT CONCERT SUCKED!!!" "I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE SAYING!!!" But getting back to Patricia Clarkson, was she one of those Hot Lesbians in "Bound"?  NO? Well, to Hell with her. So what if Lobsters1 went to High School with her? What is Lobsters1 supposed to do,  make a Comic Book called "My Friend Clarkson"? LOBSTERS1 DON'T GIVE A SHIT!

God, they're stupid

Wowie Zowie! That CNN thing with the School Shooting Survivor Kids was such a BIG HIT Fox News is gonna do a Show just like it with the Survivors of the next Islamic Terror Attack! Unless the next Terror Attack is in France, of course.  That Show would SUCK!  Especially if that Eagles Of Death Metal Band is involved.  Hopefully the next Terror Attack in France will Feature a Cool Band like . . . It's hard to imagine what Fox News idea of a Cool Band would be.  But Fox News will definitely have Marc Rubio on their Show because it's fun to watch people gang up on Marc Rubio. Maybe they can have Rand Paul getting ganged up on by ALL of the people in his Neighborhood AT ONCE.  That would be HILARIOUS!  Comedy Central should do that. But they'll screw it up and put Amy Schumer in it. Hey, a whole bunch of people in Syria got killed! CNN is gonna do a Show with Syrviving Surians just as soon as Jake Tapper can teach em to Speak English "Repeat after me . . . NRA kill my Family . . . NRA kill my Family . . . "

"Dear God, Please get me a job dressing up like Colonel Sanders in a KFC Commercial! Or Ronald McDonald! I'll do it for Free McNuggets!!"

Lobsters1 feels bad about this - Lobsters1 already has so many things to feel bad about he is numb (At least in his Skull) - The Big Rumor is that Ben Shapiro, the Conan O'Brien of Conservative Media, is about to save Glenn Beck's ass by buying out his sorry mess of a Media Empire. Unfortunately for Glenn Beck, all those Phone Calls from Ben Shapiro are in Reality Lobsters1 doing a cruel Crank Call thing (Lobsters1 found Beck's Phone Number in the Yellow Pages under "Losers"). Ben Shapiro has no interest in buying anything from Glenn Beck. Ben Shapiro is too busy TALKING REALLY REALLY FAST to do anything but collapse on the floor when he is finally finished talking. Ha! Ben Shapiro "finally finished talking" - That's a Good One! Lobsters1 would do a cruel impression of Ben Shapiro TALKING REALLY REALLY FAST on his Pod Cast but he is hoping Ben Shapiro will buy out his sorry mess of a Media Empire. Hey, Ben! Check out www.thedevilisasissy.com ! Hell, Beck probably has a few bucks left left to throw away - Hey, Glenn! Get a load of www.thedevilisasissy.com !!!! You're dumb enough to think it's funny.

"I was only in 'Land Of The Dead' cause Lobsters1 thought it was a good idea. I dumped him when he said I should be in some Movie with Martin Lawrence dressed up like Tyler Perry!"

Lobsters1 had a thing with Asia Argento Years ago  when he was in Italy playing "The Little Creepy Guy" in Lasagna Biker Movies. You know how they called Westerns made in Italy "Spaghetti Westerns"? They also called Biker Movies made in that crazy country "Lasagna Biker Movies". If Asia Argento wasn't Lobsters1's Regular Girlfriend he would have went to Germany and gotten a gig playing "The Little Creepy Zombie" in U Boat Zombie Movies. You know how they called Beach Party Movies made in Germany "Dive Bomber Beach Party Movies"? They also called Zombie Movies made in that creepy country "U Boat Zombie Movies". But Lobsters1 had Asia Argento so to Hell with Germany! Anyway, Lobsters1 had to break up with Asia cause she started getting too many tattoos. They were spending all their time in Tattoo Parlors!  Lobsters1 had Lasagna Biker Movies to make!  But Asia is cool. Next time you see her try to find her "Little Creepy Guy" tattoo.

Kids Say The Darnest Things . . .

Oh Dear. Did you see that High School Shooting Survivor Girl on CNN this Morning bragging about how it will be easy for them to beat the Second Amendment people because "We are making an EMOTIONAL argument and they are making a LOGICAL argument"? Wow. Oh Boy. And then she got to the "People in SHOW BUSINESS support us! People in the ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY support us!" bit. And I thought I felt sorry for those kids LAST Week.

"I wish I'd died that time I OD'd in '78." "You OD'd in '79. I OD'd in '78." "Okay, I wish you'd died in '78."

Yeah, you Teenage Kids have a good reason to be all cranky and bummed out these days. But you're starting to get on our nerves so you're gonna have to listen to an Aerosmith Album and cheer the fuck up.  Here, sit down and listen to "Rocks"! We used to listen to "Rocks" every day when were Teenagers in the Seventies and it always cheered us up and if it doesn't cheer you up you're just assholes. You like that Song? "That's "Back In The Sadde"! I'M BAAAAAACK!!!! I'M BAAAACK IN THE SAAAAAAADLE AGAAAAAAAAIN!!!! I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!! Where are you little shits going? Another Anti Gun Rally? Shoulda played em some Ted Nugent. Where's that "Double Live Gonzo" Eight Track? Oh, they're gone. I hate being around them anyway. Let's listen to the first Cheap Trick Album.

Tommy Chong can't be President cause he's Canadian. Otherwise he would have been Elected more than Thirty Years ago.

Today was President's Day and that means all the Ex Presidents got together in the Backyard to Barbque a little, drink some Beer, blast a little Creedence, and throw Jimmy Carter into the Pool a few Times. Keep throwing him into the Pool until he has a Psychotic Flashback to when he fell off of a Submarine during World War Two and does something funny. Goddam, it is FUNNY when Jimmy Carter has a Psychotic Flasback!  It's the Highlight of the President's Day Party! Who needs a Fireworks Display when you've got Jimmy Carter splashing around in the Swimming Pool screaming about a Submarine?  It is SO FUNNY!! Oh, John McCain doesn't think that's funny? Screw John McCain. Oh, you didn't like that? I didn't say "Screw Jimmy Carter" Lobsters1 has the utmost respect and admiration for Jimmy Carter. No, not because he was a Great President. Lobsters1 has the utmost respect and admiration for Jimmy Carter because it is SO FUNNY when he has a Psychotic Flasback and  starts screaming about Submarines! IT IS SO FUNNY!!! You think John McCain could ever be that funny? NO WAY! You know what happens when you throw John McCain into a Swimming Pool? He just sinks to the Bottom like a Sack Of Clams until Lindsey Graham dives in and saves him. Which is pretty funny but then you have to watch Lindsey Graham give John McCain Mouth-To-Mouth and then you have to watch Jennifer Connolly's  Ass-To-Ass Scene in "Requiem For A Dream" to cheer yourself up. Jimmy Carter is funnier than that.  Uh . . . Probably should have stopped before getting to the John McCain stuff, huh? The GOP should have stopped before getting to the John McCain stuff in 2008 but that's . . . Eh, Screw President's Day! Why did Lobsters1 have to go to Work?  Lobsters1 had to go to Work on President's Day but you didn't have to go to Work on President's Day? Drop Dead, man! DROP DEAD!!

"Making fun of Ellen! You're a Bad Man!!! YOU'RE A BAD MAN!!!!!"

Ellen degeneres wants to be that guy in the Trivago Commercials so bad it is killing her!! "She thought she was doing so well with that Day Time Talk Show and a Girlfriend that was really cute on TV  back in the Nineties. But then those damn Trivago Commercials came along and Ellen's Existence has been stripped of all Meaning!" "That Guy! THAT GUY! I have GOT to be THAT GUY!!  He is EVERYTHING I have ever set out to be!" Degeneres' Representatives have made a generous offer to the Trivago Guy's Representatives to have him take over Ellen's Talk Show and Girlfriend that was really cute way back in the Nineties so Ellen can take over the Trivago Commercials and whatever the Trivago Guy is involved with "It doesn't really matter what kind of person that Trivago Guy is messing around with, Ellen has the utmost respect and understanding for anyone on the Infinite Spectrum of Human Sexuality - Ellen just has to be the Trivago Guy no matter what it takes to be the Trivago Guy!!!" Unfortunately, the Trivago has said that if he did a Talk Show it would be something like "that really cool one Craig Kilborn did on CBS for a little while" and who ever he is messing around with is "way cuter RIGHT NOW than Ellen's Girlfriend was on 'Ally McBeal' way back in the Nineties. WAY cuter! A WHOLE LOT CUTER!!!" Be nice, Trivago Guy "Craig Kilborn RULES!!!" Okay.

Lobsters1 is making so much Money off of The Lobsters1 Blog  he could have retired from Working in the Drive Thru Window at Dippitty Do Do Nuts.  But he's still Working there because the Owners of Dippitty Do Do Nuts agreed to rebuild the Location Lobsters1 Works at using Lobsters1's OWN DESIGN! The Guy isn't just a Comedy Sensation, he is an Archetechtural Whiz! Just look at this Picture of the rebuilt Dippity Do Do Nuts at 1300 Peckerhead Drive! DIG THOSE ELEPHANTS! Lobsters1 designed them! By the way, when you want to pick up a Cup of Coffee and some Do Nuts at The Drive Thru Window at Dippitty Do Do Nuts Drive Thru Window just pull up to those Stairs in the front, go around the first Elephant on the right . . No, No . . . The first Elephant on the left . . . Hold on a sec . . . Wait a minute . . . What? I'm FIRED?! Well, if I gotta go I'm taking my Elephants with me!   And . . . I don't owe you Money! YOU owe ME Money! DIPPITY DO DO NUTS IS NOTHING WITHOUT LOBSTES1!!! NOTHING! Aw . . . crap.

"How about a Dippitty Do Do Nuts commercial where Lobsters1 is Working in the Drive Thru Window and I KICK HIS ASS?!? HAHAHAHA!!!!"

They wanted Andrew Dice Clay to Play Colonel Sanders like all the other Comics who Played Colonel Sanders in those KFC Commercials but the Deal fell through when Dice insisted his Buddy Vinnie The Squid be in the Commercials with him dressed up like Popeye The Sailor "Cause I like Popeye's FRied Chicken better than KFC's Fried Chicken! Popeye's is THE BEST! KFC is Okay but if you don't wanna go all out and say 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' you're half assed and I ain't eatin' no half assed chicken!! Hey, I'm willing to wear the beard! I'm a Team Player! I ain't shaved since Tuesday! What? Them other guys that were doin' the 'Colonel Sanders' thing were wearin' FAKE Beards?!?? That is HALF ASSED!!! I AIN'T WEARIN'NO HALF ASSED BEARD!!! I ain't gettin' involved in this half assed operation! Vinnie, take off that Popeye The Sailor costume! I'm gonna put on that Popeye The Sailr Cotume and I'm gonna go make some Popeye's Fried Chicken Commercials that are gonna kick them half assed KFC asshats right in the ass! Uh . . . Better yet, take off that Popeye The Sailor costume and take it to the Dry Cleaners before I put it on. You're a Great Guy but you're sweatin' like . . . I better not say that! I'll lose myPopeye The End.

Nobody wants to look at a picture of some Basketball Player

Wow, are Professional Basketball Players THE COOLEST GUYS IN THE WORLD or what!?! Man, if you don't make at least Fifty Million Dollars a Year,  have sex with at least a Dozen Women a Day,  and threaten to kill somebody at least Once every Three Minutes you are a LOSER! Well, I'm pretty sure Professional Basketball Players have a better word for it than "Loser".  What does Lobsters1 know? He doesn't make Fifty Million Dollars a Year, have sex with a Dozen Women a Day . . . Oh, but he DOES threaten to kill somebody at least once every Three Minutes.  That's why Lobsters1 gets his ass kicked at least Once Every Three Minutes.  That guy is such a . . . Lobsters1 has really got to find out what word Professional Basketball Players . . . . . . Aw, To Hell with those retards.

Nobody wants to look at a picture of some Old Stand Up Comic either

Ever heard of Barry Crimmins? He's a Stand Up Comic and Anti Kiddie Porn Activist. Originally Jon Stewart was going to be the Anti Kiddie Porn Activist but then Comedy Central offered him a job Hosting "The Daily Show" so George Lopez was going to be the Anti Kiddie Porn Guy. But then ABC offered Lopez a Sit Com so Kevin James was going to do the Anti Kiddie Porn thing until CBS asked him to do "The King Of Queens". Finally America's Kiddie Porn Problem was so Horrific they turned to Lobsters1 but Lobsters1 told em "SCREW THAT!  I'm gonna do a COMEDY PODCAST and by 2018 it's gonna be THE BIGGEST PODCAST ON THE INTERNET and I'm gonna be a ZILLIONAIRE!!!!" So then . . . Oh, yeah . . . Barry Crimmins. Or is it Krimmins? Who cares?

"Guess we won't do the 'High School Shooter' routine for a while." "Nope." "Let's do 'Who's On First'" "Okay"

What can we kid around about on the Blog that will get your Mind off that High School Shooting? How about that ROB PORTER guy? Is that funny? A WIFE BEATER has been Working in the White House and The Chief Of Staff knew about it The Whole Time?  Is that funny? Hey, how about if a guy who SHOT A BUNCH OF KIDS WHILE HE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL was Working in the White House and the Chief Of Staff knew about it The Whole Time? That could be funny. Yeah, we find out that the guy who shot up that School in Sandy Hook has been Working in the Oval Office with Donald Trump for more than a Year. Trump finds out and he's all "HUH? That was the SANDY HOOK Guy? So THAT'S where I saw him before. I thought maybe he was one of the kids from 'Head Of The Class'. Huh!"

Well, we sure Hope you enjoyed this Comedy Bit and it helped you forget about all those kids that got shot! The NRA paid us a lot of Money for that and we want to get paid a lot of Money again the next Time a bunch of kids get shot.

You've got to EXERCISE or you won't look like the guys on TELEVISION! How can you be HAPPY if you don't look like the guys on TELEVISION?

Those Exercise Machines they are trying to sell to Fat People these days are too delicate looking. Fat People go through Life avoiding any kind of contact with anything that might break under the pressure of their tremendous bulk. Anybody who weighs more than One Hundred And Eighty Pounds gets on top of those silly Machines and it is obviously going to fall apart before they can lose more than Fifteen Pounds. And those Machines aren't anything any Fat Guy wants to have collapse beneath him - Too many pointy looking things he might get impaled on and explode like a Big Squishy Zeppelin. It was terrible to see the Hindenburg explode but seeing General Hindenburg explode would have just been kind of gross. That's why they didn't have any crazy Exercise Machines in Germany One Hundred Years Ago  If only German Industry had gone to Work Manufacturing Pointy Exercise Machines instead of Dive Bombers and U Boats!  Has Lobsters1 kind of wandered off here?  That's OK, if Lobsters1 had not been Writing he would have wandered off and gotten lost in some strange Neighborhood again.  But at least all that wandering gets him exercise without having to buy some stupid Machine.  He's saving up for a U BOAT!

If only Jerry Van Dyke was here to help us deal with these horrible events!

The FBI is catching flak for neglecting to check out Warning Signs on the latest High School Killer "Well . . . FUCK!!!" a Bureau Spokesman replied "You told us to go out and Work Morning, Noon, And Night to get Donald Trump locked up for the rest of his Life and now you're coming at us over some Loser in Florida? I knew taking orders from the People who lost the Election instead of the People who won the Election was STUPID! I just took a Job Managing a Wendy's and if I ever see you in there we're going to be serving Chili made out of your Kids. FUCK YOU!"  

The only GAY guy in Monty Python is the only DEAD guy in Monty Python? Somebody check on that gay guy in The Kids In The Hall! Is the gay guy in The Kids In The Hall Okay!?!

And Malcolm Young! If only he was here to comfort us in this Time of Pain with his Hard Rockin' Guitar Stylings!

Wow, TV News sure is EXCITING when they bring the People who hate Guns on to SCREAM and YELL at us! You turn on the News and everybody is sitting around drinking Coffee and being Nice and Polite. But then some Guy who HATES GUNS comes on and it's like some Movie from the Seventies when Robert De Niro and Al Pacino suddenly appear. He's SCREAMING and YELLING and BANGING ON THE TABLE and RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE PICKING UP THINGS AND THROWING THEM ACROSS THE ROOM - HOT DIGGITTY DAWG, it is FUN!!! But then he goes away and everybody just picks up their Coffee Mugs "Hhhmmm, Food for Thought!" "He certainly raises some interesting questions . . . " and you fall asleep. Why can't the News ALWAYS be like that? There are THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of People in America that would be Fun to watch act like Assholes on The News. Why don't they bring  People who Hate . . . Oh, Drugs or Abortion or Pornography on The News to SCREAM and YELL like the People who Hate Guns get to do all the Time? NON STOP MAYHEM!!!! It would be HILAAAAARIOUS!!!! Why do the Gun Haters get to . . . 

Oh, apparently Lobsters1 has gotten his Dumb Ass in Trouble again. Better Wrap This Up before . . . Before WHAT!?! Shut Up and drink your stupid Coffee.

"One Day I was smoking a doob with Benjamin Franklin. . . "

The Five Hundred and Eighty Two Year Old Woman on the Supreme Court did an interview on Television the other day and managed to stay awake a few Minutes longer than anyone who tried to watch the thing. After a three hour nap every one woke up and the Old Lady said "What happened? Did those Planned Parenthood people say I can retire yet?"

Fareed Encourages Mike Pence To Stand Up For Himself "Challenge That Punk To A 'Skate Off', Mike! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!"

Nobody is watching the Winter Olympics on TV because nobody gives a shit. They can't sell Advertising for that garbage so, instead of Commercials, the Network Executives reeenact "Seinfeld" Episodes with Marionettes made out of stuck together Raisinettes. They told the Men's Ice Skating Team to just go Home "Nobody wants to look at you! You SUCK!" The only Male Ice Skater who can sty is that gay guy who's trying to pick a fight with Mike Pence "Maybe Mike Pence will lose his temper and throw a punch at Loudmouth McSparkles over there." Rumor has it they sabotaged that Ice Skater Babe's costume so her Top would fall off and Lobsters1 might take an interest "To Hell with that!" Lobsters1 says "I was dating a Former Pro Ice Skater at the Height of the Tanya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan shit and . . . Lobsters1 stops, stares of into Space, puts on a Chris Bell Record . . .

"Don't Worry, Fareed! Mike Pence Can Take A Joke!" "Don't Talk About Yourself In The First Tense!" "'The First Tense'? I'm The First Pence!" "HA HA! GOOD ONE, Mike!"

"Vice President Pence! That gay guy ice skater says you look like Race in that Episode of 'Johnny Quest' where Race gets drunk and puts on a dress and does a Marlene Dietrich impersonation!" "He did not! You're just trying to get my goat! I am a grown up adult man and will not be manipulated by your silly Head Trips!" "'Head Trips'? That's a strange thing for YOU to say!" "I shook hands with a member of  Our Nation's Cross Country Skiing Team and I fear he was a Bad Influence on me Spiritually. He gave me a Psychedelic Music CD by a Drug Addict named John Denver." "JOHN DENVER!" "I threw it in the snow and a Korean Child ate it." "Hey, now that gay guy ice skater says you look like Race Bannon  in that Episode of 'Johnny Quest' where Race gets caught in a Hotel Room in Thailand -" "There was no such Episode! You're thinking of the Episode of 'The Jetsons' where Mister Spacely gets caught in a Hotel Room in -" "That's it, Pence! Pack up your shit! You're going back to Washington DC to say something stupid about Wife Beating like all the other guys!" "Cool!" "'Cool'? We gotta keep him away from those Skiiers!"

"Eh . . . Guess I'd better just . . . Go away, huh?"

TV Comedy Shows always make fun of Politicians so it's suspicious when they DON'T make fun of a particular Politician.  NO, Lobsters1 is NOT complaining about them not making fun of Obama!  Why would they? OBAMA IS PERFECT!! There, has everybody calmed down? Jesus! But what about JOHN EDWARDS? How come there was never anybody on TV doing a crazy John Edwards impression?  The guy was HILARIOUS! He had a dopey Hick accent, his eyes crossed when he talked, he wiped his nose with the back of his hand on Live Television, he knocked up some Blonde while his Wife was dying of Cancer . . . Okay, his Wife dying of Cancer wasn't very funny. Let's say that his Wife drowned while she was running around with Ted Kennedy in the middle of the night and he drove the car off of a Bridge - John Edwards was HILARIOUS!!! Did they ever do a John Edwards impression on "Saturday Night Live"? They never even did a Ted Kennedy impression! I CALL BULLSHIT!

"John Edwards? I thought you were going to GO AWAY?"

Why is Mike Pence out there in the middle of the Winter Olympics?  So he can be a Punching Bag for some gay ice skater?  Do ice skaters even use Punching Bags? They do now that they've got Mike Pence hanging upside down in the Locker Room. Is he going to go to the Academy Awards so all those Hollywood people can put on their Transylvanian Villager costumes and chase him through the backlot Forest set with CGI Torches and CGI Hounds as if he is Boris Karloff? Mike Pence would probably be the only one there who remembers who Boris Karloff was  "Boris Karloff was an OLD WHITE MALE!" rants Jennifer Lawrence "Was Boris Karloff in that Civil War Comedy where the Good Guys were Confederates and the Bad Guys were . . . I'm confused!" "No" says Mike Pence "That was Buster Keaton!" "Didn't you learn your lesson from when you went to 'Hamilton'?" Jennifer Laerence always gets the last word. She shuts up faster that way.

Saturday Night Blog Adventure!

Eh, 51st & Vienna is a douche neighborhood anyway

Lobsters1 was driving to the Store when a Green Day Song came on the Radio so he crashed into a House. But the House Lobsters1 crashed into did not belong to anybody that Plays in Green Day so Lobsters1 was in Trouble. Even Worse! The Radio in his Car was still Working and they were playing "She's A Little Runaway" by Bon Jovi "OOOOOOHHH, She's A Little Runaway! Daddy's Little Girl! I Think I'm Gonna HURL!!!" Lobsters1 doesn't know the Lyrics. He doesn't even know how to Drive! Was Lobsters1 losing enough Blood to enter the Spiritual Realm or whatever else you call that George Harrison Jazz? People were yelling and Lobsters1 was sure Cel Phones were Recording it all so he would be on Face Book after he Died. Hey, Face Book may not be the Hifalootin' Spiritual Realm but, What The Hey! Lobsters1 is in Jail right now but he is probably going to die in a few Minutes so he doesn't need a Lawyer. He doesn't even need a Doctor! You got a Phone? Find a Shot of Rosario Dawson in "Death Proof" I can look at before . . .

CARL BERNSTEIN, THE OLD MAN WHO LIVES IN THE BREAK ROOM AT CNN

"I found this suit and tie in Wolf Blitzer's Office."

DON LEMON : The President has refused to -

CARL : When we investigating the Watergate Story Bob and I used to argue over which one of us was going to be Played by Robert Redford in the Watergate Movie and which one of us was going to be Played by Dustin Hoffman. I, of course, was the Robert Redford looking -

LOUDSPEAKER : Expensive Red Wine spill in Jake Tapper's Office!! Expensive Red Wine spill in Jake Tapper's Office!

CARL : OH! I gotta change the Water in my Mop Bucket!

DON LEMON : Can you vacuum my Office after you take care of that?

CARL : I'll do it for a Fig Newton!

Lobsters1 once had a job going around replacing the Bottles in those things

America LOVES Hand Sanitizer Dispensors! If the Average American is ever more than Three Feet away from a Hand Sanitizer Dispensor they will DIE!!! But . . . Is it Hand Sanitizer we Love or is it Stuff someone else paid for squirting out of a Snazzy Machine we cannot do without? "What? Do those guys in New York want me to Write a Song about that?"  SHUT UP, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN! The Truth is - Nobody gives a Damn about Clean Hands so from now on all those little Gizmos all over the place  will be squirting RANCH DRESSING instead of stupid Hand Sanitizer! Imagine a World where every single one of us is never more than Two Steps away from FREE RANCH DRESSING!!! And you're going to say this isn't the Greatest Country Ever? NOT IN THIS BLOG, BUDDY! NO SIR! Go get me a Salad! With CREAMY ITALIAN! Huh?

Just BE YOURSELF, Mike!

Vice President Mike Pence and  and Kim Jong Un's Sister sat real close to each other at the Winter Olympics. Of course Pence is such a Devout Doofus that if he just made eye contact with the alluring Oriental Temptress he would explode in a blazing  Mushroom Cloud killing Millions of People and throwing Mankind back into the Stone Age "WOW! That didn't happen, did it?" No, it did not. Pence put a Brown Paper Bag over his Head so he could not see anything "WOW! He wasn't driving a Car, was he?" Shut up! Uh oh! BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! While Mike Pence and Kim Jong Un's Red Hot Sexy Sister were just a few feet apart . . . (Sings) So close! So close! So close and yet so far!" All right, Enrico Caruso! Just read the News! Just read the News! "CARRIED YOUR BOOKS FROM SCHOOL! MADE BELIEVE YOU WERE MARRIED TO ME!!!!" Sorry, just HAD to read that part! Anyway, while Mike Pence and that Fat Freak's Sister were at the Winter Olympics Pence had a Milkshake "Koreans have the BEST Milkshakes!" And while he was drinking the Milkshake Fat Boy's Sister took out one of those really long Korean Straws "Koreans have the LONGEST Straws!" " . . . and she held that Straw out ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE ROOM!" "And DRANK his Milkshake!"  (Mike Pence holds up an empty Milkshake glass) "I HATE KOREA!!!" (Kim Jung Un flies over the Olympics on a Hang Glider) "HA HA HA! CARRIED YOUR BOOKS FROM SCHOOL!! MADE BELIEVE YOU WERE MARRIED TO ME!!" The Crowd is ecstatic! "This is the Best thing to happen to the Olympics since Hitler threw a fit over Jesse Owens winning all the Medals!" "Don't get me started on Jesse Owens!" says Hitler (Yeah, he was in Korea) "I am trying to enjoy my Milkshake!" "MILKSHAKE!?!" says Jesse Owens (He wasn't there. He was in the USA enjoying FReedom and Democracy) "I could go for a Nice Korean Milkshake!" Jesse Owens holds The Longest Korean Straw Ever from the USA all the way across the Ocean to Hitler's Milkshake and DRINKS IT (Hitler holds up the empty Milkshake Glass) "I HATE KOREA!! Among numerous other things. Ha Ha, I'm HITLER!" Meanwhile - Hey! Where did Mike Pence and Rocket Man's Sister go?" Mike Pence takes the Stage with Brian May and Roger Taylor of Queen and goes into his Freddie Mercury Act "Some enchanted evening, you might see a Fat Korean Dictator's Sister! You might see a Fat Korean Dictator's Sister across a crowded room!" Even Hitler is into it! "Once you have found a Fat Korean Dictator's Sister never let her go! John Deacon is so excited about Mike Pence Singing with Queen he comes out of retirement!  "Once you have found a Fat Korean Dictator's Sister nevvvvvverrrrrrrr let her gooooooooo!!!"

Yeah. Cute.

The Big Cultural Development of 2017 was Bill Murray's demotion from The Funniest Guy On Earth to Just Another Celebrity Asshole To Be Avoided At All Cost. Murray popped up on "Saturday Night Live" a few Weeks ago and was so bad it could have been Colin Quinn. If you don't know who Colin Quinn is Lobsters1 meant "it could have been Colin Quinn" as an insult.  And if you don't know who Lobsters1 is he is some loudmouth who is probably getting punched in the mouth by Colin Quinn right now "Hey, let me get in on that action!"  Bill Murray punches Lobsters1 in the mouth a few times "Hey, isn't that the jerk that was putting me down in his stupid Blog a few Weeks ago?" asks Dan Aykroyd as he comes in and puts down a half empty bottle of that awful Vodka he's been peddling now that his Movie Career is over "I was going to just call that guy a jerk but now that he's putting down my Vodka . . . " Dan Aykroyd cracks the bottle of Vodka over Lobsters1's head. He is such a prick! "Eh, you're entitled to call me a 'prick' in your Blog after I cracked that bottle of Vodka over your head. I'll give you a pass on that." Aykroyd turns away to leave "Yo! The guy called you a 'prick', man!" Bill Murray yells at Dan Aykroyd "You're going to let him get away with that? You PUSSY!!!" Dan Aykroyd stops, slowly turns around, and stares down Bill Murray "Just because you saved my ass by agreeing to be in 'Ghostbusters' you think I'm your punk. Well, now I am The Vodka King Of The Cosmos and I don't owe you a God Damn thing!" Aykroyd pulls out a Forty Five Automatic. The Ghost of Harold Ramis materializes "Don't do it, Dan! Bill wasn't the one that called you a 'Pussy'! Lobsters1 Wrote that in his Blog!" Aykroyd looks at Bill Murray "I'm Bill Murray. And Bill Murray doesn't BEG." Aykroyd looks over at Lobsters1. He is scribbling in a Notebook "Hold on a sec! I'm Writing a thing where you and Bill Murray are a couple of old Homos! HAHAHA!!! It'll be really funny!" Aykroyd aims the gun at Lobsters1 "Don't do it, Dan!" says Bill Murray "You're better than that!" Aykroyd thinks for a Moment and looks at the Ghost of Harold Ramis "John and I were like Brothers. But now he's sending me MESSENGERS!?" Ramis is confused "John? John WHO?" "John BELUSHI!" "Oh! I still haven't seen him since I got up there!  I only hang out with Ed McMahon and Shemp from 'The Three Stooges'!" Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray, and Lobsters1 use "Ghostbusters" Technology to beat the shit out of Harold Ramis "This bit has run kind of long. I'll save the thing where you two are a couple of old Homos for later. HAHAHA!! It'll be really funny!"  "We aren't going to have to do Drag, are we?" "'Drag'? Not in my goddam Blog!"

THE LOBSTERS1 BLOG IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES BECAUSE OF THIS CRAP BLOGGING SERVICE

Lobsters1 wanders into the Blog Singing at the Top of his Lungs . . . "Midnight at the Oasis . . . Send your Camel to bed . . Come on . . . Cactus is our Friend . . . OH! I didn't know you were here!  Uh . . . Yeah, that was a Real Song . . . It would come on the Radio when I was a kid and we'd run over to the Station to make sure everybody was okay.  Hey, what's on the PODCAST this Week?  We've got about a Hundred Comedy Podcast Episodes  piled up all over the Hard Drive  from back when doing a Comedy Podcast still seemed like a Good Idea.  So once a Week we pick one out at random . . .  OH! This Week is "America Refuses To Believe That Barry Manilow Is Gay" with a picture of Donald Trump going "NO WAY!!!" Yeah, it's a silly Comedy Premise that kind of amusing for about  for about Half A Minute but then then it goes on for Three Hours And Forty Five Minutes . . . Aw, Hell . . . www.thedevilisasissy.com "

NO WAY, MAN! DUDE IS AN A1 BAD ASS!!!

KEEP POSTING BEFORE THE BLOGGING MACHINE BREAKS DOWN AGAIN!!!!

Every Show began with an Opening Song and then a Comedy Bit Written By STEVE MARTIN

Lorne Michaels spends all his Money keeping every  Comedy Variety Show that was on TV  before he Created "Saturday Night Live" out of Syndication  so no one can see that stuff about there being nothing good on TV before "SNL" is bullshit.  Too bad he didn't have enough Money to keep everybody from seeing "The Carol Burnett Show". Michaels was on the Phone to all his Show Business Cronies  "Hello, Mick Jagger? It's me, Lorne Michaels! Uh . . . Yeah . . . The Jew with the Big Bag Of Coke . . . Ahem! . . . Uh, can you give me a couple of Million Dollars to keep 'The Carol Burnett Shoout of Syndication?  Aw, come on! How about just Half A Million? Come on!" He spent  a Fortune to bury "The Sonny And Cher Comedy Hour".  Man, when I was a kid we'd watch that Show and LAUGH OUR ASSES OFF!!!  They had a bunch of Guys doing Sketches on that Show, all of those guys were as Funny as John Belushi or Dan Aykroyd!  Who were those Forgotten Heroes Of TV Sketch Comedy?  Lorne Michaels and and Dan Aykroyd and everybody on "SCTV" spent MILLIONS to get rid of those Guys . . . No, they didn't put a CONTRACT out on em or anything . . . (Telephone Rings)  The Lobsters1 Blog! How can I help you?  Oh . . . Hi, Mister LOrne Michaels!  Uh . . . Yes, Sir . . . I'll take all that down from the Blog right away . . . Yes, Sir . . .  I'm Sorry . . . I'm SO Sorry . . .

"Aw, Fuck The Nation!"

Lobsters1 tried watching the Sunday Morning News Shows and it was worse than going to Church!  All of those Shows would be a lot better with a Little Old Lady Playing The Organ and a Coupla Dozen People who can't Sing to save their Lives hollering at the Top of their Lungs. It would be horrible but at least we wouldn't be able to hear whatever the News Assholes were saying. That's how awful it is to hear what those Scheming Scumbags have to say, it would be better to just let em Sing.  They'll probably want to Sing something off of an old John Lennon Album, but what the Hell . . . And, no matter what you think of Religon, all of the Rodents on those Shows would be better off going to Church. Those People are HELLBOUND!!  Next Sunday Morning Jake Tapper ought to go to Church and Pinhead from "Hellraiser" can Host his Show. I bet Pinhead can draw better Cartoons than Jake Tapper!  But it was really great that everybody was trying to be Serious Adults because that Sunday turned out to be SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!!!!! They should have kept their Suits on all Day. By Kick Off they would have looked like The Pogues!

"Wait . . . BRIAN is the one th Died? Oh, if I had known that I was ALIVE all this Time I would have taken better care of Myself!"

The Lobsters1 Blog will pay FIFTEEN DOLLARS  to any Photographer that can get a shot of Keith Richards  drinking from a Bottle of Ensure. If the American Public ever sees a Picture of that Legendary Bad Ass Of Chemistry drinking from a Bottle of Ensure our Culture will be thrown into such Chaos and Tumult  People will be getting Married to Furniture and  Fruit Salad will be Representing Defendants in Court. ALSO - The Lobsters1 Blog will pay TWENTY DOLLARS for a Written Statement from the Person whose Job it is to change Keith Richards' Diaper.  Nothing too detailed, just enough to make it impossible for that Horrible Old Man to make a Nickle performing onstage in front of an audience. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I bet Ron Wood is the one that has to change Keith Richards' Diaper.  That's why Bill Wyman quit The Stones.  They told him that he was going to have to start changing Keith Richads' Diapers in a little while and he said "No I am not! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" Bill Wyman does need The Stones! He has a Big Money Deal Advertising those Bath Tubs with a Door on the Side (He beat Steve Miller for the Contract!)

"But we never will be found!" NOBODY'S LOOKIN' FOR YA!!!!

People are always yelling about McCarthyism but McCartneyism was  MUCH WORSE!  If Paul McCartney thought you was a Commie he would Write a Dopey Little Pop Song about you and  and make everybody listen to his Wife Sing it! Ooooo Woooo, it was BAD!  McCartney Wrote a Song about Jane Fonda  called "You Terrible Girl!" and everybody had to listen to his Wife Singing "You terrible girl! You went to Hanoi! You were cute in 'Cat Ballou' but then you went to Hanoi! Barefoot in the Hanoi Park! OUCH!!!" all day until we tore down Jane Fonda's House until she went to the North Pole to Party With The Penguins. Because "McCartney" sounds kind of like "McCarthy" and . . . Oh, Lobsters1 just found out that Paul McCartney just Wrote a Song called "Lobsters1 Is A Big Stupid Turd" and is going to make a Record of Yoko Ono Singing it. Lobsters1 has been DISSED! "KIDS NOT SAY 'DISSED' NO MORE YOU!!!" Shut up, Yoko!

Why not a "Stripes" style Service Comedy about when Jeff was in the Army?

That Movie about Jeff Dahmer in High School is so popular with the People who still haven't caught on that Edgy Indie Movies suck as bad as Hollywood Studio Movies that there will be a "Breakfast Club" remake with Jeff Dahmer as one of the kids instead of the Emilio Estevez character. Maybe he ate Emilio Estevez? Yeah, that's why you never hear about Emilio Estevez any more - Jeffrey Dahmer ate him. Yeah, a Movie where Teenage Jeff Dahmer goes to All Day Detention  and eats everybody for Breakfast.  You can find SOMEBODY in LA crazy enough to give you ten  million dollars to make that ovie - Hire Judd Apatow's Wife to play one of the Teachers! Molly Ringwald and Judd Nelson will be in it for Tacos!

If he's not talking about The Beatles on "The Ed Sullivan Show" he's talking about the House Uninteresting Activities Committee

Steven Van Zandt spends so much Time looking for Tough Guy  Dialogue from old Noir Movies to play in between the Records  on his "Underground Garage" Radio Show  he has stopped paying attention to the Records and has been playing the same old Dead Boys Record over and over and over again "But how about all that Tough Guy Dialogue from all those old Noir Movies, huh? That is some GOOD STUFF, am I right?" "Hey, Steve! Bruce just called!"  "What? Am I gettin' kicked outta the Band?"  "No, he wants you to pick up some Chinese Food for him!" "Okay!" "Oh, and The Dead Boys called!" "They want to Thank me for playin' that Record?" "No, they wanted me to tell you the Chinese people told em to paint the Main Dining Room so the place is gonna shut down at Six!" "Oh! What Time is it? Quarter to FIVE!?!  See ya later, carburator! Gotta go grab some Sweet And Sour Kitty Kat for the Boss!!!" "You still have to call him that?" "It's worth it for the Free Egg Rolls!"

Next For Johnny - The "REALLY FAT" Phase

Johnny Depp showed up at the Super Bowl thinking that his Dumb Band was going to play during the Half Time Show "Hey, I'm here to ROCK the Half Time Show! I've got WINE, I call the Half Time Show 'THE HAVE WINE SHOW'! HA! Let me in! I'm JOHNNY DEPP!!" "Uh . . . What's in the Truck?" "Half a Million Dollars worth of WINE! I'm JOHNNY DEPP! Let me in! I'm Playng the Super Bowl with Alice Cooper and Joe Perry!  The AEROSMITH guy! We're BUDDIES!  Where are those guys?  They're waiting Backstage for me to tell em what to do!  It's MY BAND! I'm JOHNNY DEPP! Hey, Joe! Alice! We're gonna open with 'My Sharona'! Who is THAt guy? Why are you letting HIM in?  TIMBERLAKE!?! Huh? This is SHOW BIZ! Call him by his SHOW BIZ NAME! Hey, VANILLA ICE! You want some WINE? Lemmee pour ya a Glass!" "Mister Depp . . . " "WHAT!?!" "Your Super Celebrity Secret Entrance is right here!" "Well, it's about TIME!! Muh Muh Muh My Sharona! Muh Muh Muh . . . Hey, Alice! Joe! Where are you guys? HEY!" They slam the back of the Truck shut behind him "HEY! WHY IS IT SO DARK IN HERE?! HEY!!" "Okay! Take him Hone!" "He doesn't have a Home! He has a Mansion!"  "That's kind of profound for a Truck Driver."  "I'm not just a Truck Driver . . . I'm JOHNNY DEPP'S Truck Driver!" "Huh?" "He Hired me when he was still The Most Beloved Man In American Entertainment." "Oh." "It's HEART BREAKING!!" "HEY, WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE THE SUPER BOWL HERE!!!!" "Phillistines!"

Anthony Weiner developed his "Stephen Miller" character during an Upright Citizen's Brigade Workshop

Is that Stephen Miller guy Working in the Trump White House ANTHONY WEINER IN DISGUISE!? Think about it, man! If Anthony Weiner was Secretly Smuggled out of Prison by the Clinton Machine what better hiding place for him than the Trump White House? It's such a GREAT IDEA that no way could a moron like Lobsters1 come up with it - SO WHO DID? "After a careful examination of every appearance by Stephen Miller on Video it is clear that 'Stephen Miller' is a character created entirely by  by Professional Comedy Writers." My God! That's Brilliant! And exactly who were these Professional Comedy Writers, O Brilliant Person? "Well . . . Did you know that Anthony Weiner's College Rommate was . . . JON STEWART, THE MOST BRILLIANT MAN IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN COMEDY!?!" My God! Are you suggesting that . . . "YES! The Man that we have been lead to Believe is 'Stephen Miller' is in Reality Escaped Prison Inmate Anthony Weiner playing a silly Comedy Character created by Professional Comedy Writers under the Expert Supervision of Jon . . . " "Lobsters1, who are you talking to?" "Uh . . . I'm talking to . . . uh . . . "   

If Stephen Colbert was in the Navy he'd be Captain Obvious

Donald Trump is so upset about Stephen Colbert's new Cartoon Show about him he asked Lobsters1 to put together a Cartoon Show about Stephen Colbert. Seriously! Lobsters1 was in his room looking at Japanese Girls on the Internet when there was a knock on the door and, once Lobsters1 got over the disapointment of it not being a bunch of of Japanese girls knocking on the door but a Big Overweight Man With Funny Hair, he realised that it was the President Of The United States offering him a lot of Money to do a Cartoon Show about  Stephen Colbert and then Lobsters1 woke up shouting "HELL YEAH, I"LL TALE A MILLION DOLLARS TO DO A CARTOON SHOW ABOUT THAT COLBERT ASSHOLE!!!" What a DUMB feeling. Every time Lobsters1 falls asleep dreaming about Japanese girls the stupid dream goes off on some tangent like Donald Trump wanting to do a Cartoon Show about Stephen Colbert or Harry Truman wanting to drop the Atomic Bomb on on Stephen Colbert or Lee Harvey Oswald shooting Stephen Colbert in Dallas . . . Oh, this is terrible. Life would be so much easier if CBS had replaced David Letterman with some really cute Japanese girls. Was "Pink Lady And Jeff" really that bad a Show?

Best Half Time Show EVER!!!

It's Super Bowl Time! Show up too early, eat too much, get drunk, get in a fight,  kill everybody, burn the house down . . . Yeah, visiting your Mom and Dad is always awful.  Don't worry, Sunday you'll go to a Super Bowl Party and cheer up. Where's the Big Game this year? Minneapolis? Oh, Paul Westerberg is gonna Phone In the Half Time Show from his Basement. He left it on the Network's ANSWERING MACHINE! Get it? Sorry, now that Prince is gone there's not a lot about Minneapolis to make Jokes about. Or was Michael Jackson the one from Minneapolis?  But he's dead, too. What the Hell is going on in Minneapolis? Oh, the Super Bowl. Everybody is hoping Janet Jackson will pop up in the Half Time Show. Or part of her anyway. My God, if you're counting on a member of the Jackson Family to save the day . . . "We Are The World" did more for Ethiopia than those people have done for anybody. But the Super Bowl . . . Who's going to Win? My Money is on "Phantom Thread" over "The Shape Of Water" . . . Sorry, this Time of the Year is too confusing.

Success will mess you up! That will never happen to Lobsters1.

Remember when The Black Keys were popular for a while and you couldn't go on line without that miserable Drummer bitching at you about some other stupid Rock Star? What's he up to now that he's Regular Loser like everybody else? "Man! I was in Wendy's getting a Cheeseburger and this ASSHOLE came in smoking a CIGARETTE!  I mean, GODDAM! What is with people these days?  CRAP! I thought I was gonna . . . Oh my God . . . NO wonder nobody liked me! I really am a TERRIBLE PERSON, aren't I? Gee, maybe I ought to get therapy, quit drinking so much Beer! Am I really saying this or is that Lobsters1 guy Writing one of his stupid Comedy Bits about me? Well, SCREW THAT GUY! Oh, look at me, getting all worked up over nothing again!  When will I learn? Oh, look! A Text from the other guy in the Black Guys (Lobsters1 is  too lazy to look up his name) He says he's dumping me from the Band!  OH NO!" "What happened with the guy who was smoking in Wendy's?" "I don't know! That was just bullshit Lobsters1 made up. I've got Crabs."

He wasn't the Worst Person on the Show

Some guy on "Glee" got mixed up in a terrible Sex Scandal and committed Suicide by jumping in a River. "Hey, I didn't know you could do that!" said Louis CK and he jumped in a River.

MUSIC ; "Take Me To The River" By Talking Heads

MONTAGE : Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Al Franken, and all those other creeps jumping into Rivers

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN : Hey! I got a whole Album called "The River"!

LOBSTERS1 : Yeah, but that Album SUCKS!

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN : Ehhh, I have to get back to Work making sure no one in America finds out about all those cool British Bands . . .

Why, NO, There's nothing in the least bit SUSPICIOUS about the FBI!

What's in this Big Deal "Memo" they're fighting over in Washington?  There's nothing about Lobsters1 in that Memo, right?  No, we're not going to get into what Lobsters1 did or didn't do to get into some Memo, but if there's anything about Lobsters1 in that Memo WE ARE GONNA GO UP THERE AND WE ARE GONNA KICK ASS, RIGHT? Right? Where'd everybody go? Oh yeah, Lobsters1 does a silly Comedy routine about Beyonce's Big Butt and there's a whole Nightclub full of people drinking Beer and yucking it up - YAHOO! But when Lobsters1 gets in trouble and needs to needs to Raise Up A Mighty Revolutionary to Disconnect These Cables, Overturn These Tables everybody suddenlt remembers they have to go Home and clean out the Rabbit Hutch!  No problem! It's Cool! But if that Memo comes out and there's something in it about YOU and your Rabbit Hutch  Lobsters1 will be Right There at your Side ALL THE WAY! Which is no Big Deal cause you're so lame  you'll just pass out on the Couch  and all Lobsters1 will have to do is throw a blanket over you  and keep an eye on you until the Stormtroopers break in and drag you off to GUantanamo Bay. I'm HERE for you, BRO!

"They're probably drinkin' Coffee and smokin' big Cigars."

A Train full of Republican Congressmen hit a Truck  and the guy driving the Truck died. All those Republican Congressmen were in the middle of a Nazi Rally when they noticed that the Truck was on the tracks  and they all yelled "LET'S ALL GET ON A TRAIN AND CRASH INTO THAT TRUCK AND KILL THAT GUY!!!" So they dropped their Torches and copies of "Mein Kampf", ran like Hell to the Train Station, got on the Train, began chanting "KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!" until the Track smashed into the Truck and they all passed in Ecstasy like Hitler when he found out Churchill had Hemmoroids (Eichman told him that just to cheer him up after Stalingrad) And all because they are EVIL. They would have ripped the Dead Guy apart and devoured his quivering flash but the Train's Crew was starting to regain conciousness "Stupid Little People!" Trump found out all about this and said "What am I? CHOPPED LIVER?" "WHAT?! Oh, he's from NEW YORK."

Any Pictures of LA where everybody is Dead? I'd like to see that.

Having a Happy Flu Season? Wouldn't it be WEIRD if it was like "The Stand"  and most of the Human Race Died in just a few Days and the only Human Beings left on Earth were the People who Read the Lobsters1 Blog? And, instead of Dreams about a Nice Old Black Lady Singing "What A Friend We Have In Jesus" and asking them all to come see her, all of the surviving Lobsters1 Blog Readers have Dreams about Lobsters1 in a Jacuzzi with Eliza Dushku, Thandi Newton, Lucy Lui, Rosario Dawson, Drew Barrymore from Twenty Five Years Ago, and that Good For Nothing Bai Ling and he's yelling! "DON'T COME AROUND!! STAY THE HELL AWAY!!! FIND YOUR OWN WOMEN!!! SCRAM!!!" And then you wake up all alone in a Hospital like Rick at the beginning of "The Walking Dead". Only you're no Bad Ass like Rick, you're just going to die and turn into a stupid Zombie. Or, how about if everybody who reads the Lobsters1 Blog woke up and there  was an invisible DOME over each one of em?. Oh, Shut the Hell up.

Clint Howard in "Evilspeak". Lobsters1 hung out with Clint a few Times back in the Eighties and he was a Good Guy. Is he still alive?

With all this recent talk about The Academy Awards the only thing that comes to mind is - Why didn't "Evilspeak" win the Oscar for Best Movie of 1981? EVERYBODY knows that "Evilspeak" is The Best Movie Of All Time, what are the Academy Awards any good for if "Evilspeak", The Best Movie Of All Time, didn't win the Oscar for The Best Movie Of 1981?How could this Academy Awards thing go on for Thirty Six Years after such a massive screw up? And they wonder why every Year fewer people watch their dumb ass Awards Show than the Year before ? HA! What Movie got the Oscar in 1981 instead of "Evilspeak"?  TO THE GOOGLE CAVE! Uh . . . In 1981 the Award for Best Picture - PICTURE?! No wonder Video kicked their asses so bad! PICTURE! . . . The Academy Award for Best Picture went to . . . What the Hell? . . . "Ordinary People"? What the Hell is "Ordinary People"? Nobody heard of no Movie called "Ordinary People" in their Life! Oh, Yeah, "Common People", Great Song!  But "Ordinary People"?  They screwed over Evilspeak" for . . . What? You never saw "Evilspeak"? You never heard of "Evilspeak"? I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG AROUND WITH YOU GUYS!!!!!

"'PABST BLUE RIBBON!!!!!'" . . . Silence . . . Trump looks around . . . "That was a 'Blue Velvet' reference. A little joke for the Democrats, just trying to cheer you up a little bit. I don't even know what the hell 'Blue Velvet' is. I'm not even sure what Pabst Blue Ribbon is - One of those crazy Energy Drinks? DON'T DRINK THAT SHIT!!! Eh, it least it got a laugh out of Lindsey Graham. Eh, let's get to Work with . . . Oh! A Kennedy! That's how little you think of me? You send another Kennedy after me? Even Ryan here laughs at that shit! Hey, Ryan . . . Get your ass down here and read the Speech for everybody. I'm going back to the Dump and watch my 'Seventies Show' DVDs . . . "

"I only showed up for the Mark E Smith Tribute. Bruno Mars doesn't even know who Tom Petty was!"

Were The Grammies good? Lobsters1 was Working the Night Shift  in the Drive Thru Window at Dippitty Doo Donuts. Grammy Night is always a big Donut Night and Lobsters1 enjoys Working in his Michael Jackson Costume.  This Grammy Night was Extra Special  Lobsters1 was high on Cold Medicine and forgot to collect Money for all the Donuts he was throwing all over the place. No, he didn't have a Cold, he was just high on Cold Medicine because when you are dressed up like Michael Jackson the Drug Dealers think you are an Undercover Cop.  Cool thing about Working in the Drive Thru Window while DRessed up like Michael Jackson - People just have to take your Word on it that you are Moonwalking "I AM MOOOOOOOOONWALKIN'!!! REALLY!!"  And then you throw forty seven Donuts out the Window and pass out for Ten Minutes.  Lobsters1 will be Working in the Dippitty Doo Donuts Drive Thru Window  Tuesday Night for the State Of The Union Address.  Come to check out his Nancy Pelosi Costume. Same as the Michael Jackson Costume, you just don't need to make all the "Tito" Jokes.

"'Bernie Taupin'? Never heard of him!"

Elton John is retiring from Music to raise his two Adopted Boys.  Isn't it great that Michael Jackson is gone and you could read that sentence without wincing? Yeah, Michael Jackson is gone so instead of wincing you just make a terrible Joke. Or Lobsters1 does anyway. If Lobsters1 could make a Funny Joke he'd be in New York Hosting "The Tonight Show". (Don't get depressed! Keep on with the Elton John Bit And DON'T MENTION GEORGE MICHAEL) I don't know Elton John's kid's names - He just calls them "The Two Corys".  "Hey, you've got Michael Jackson in my Elton John Joke!" "You've got Elton John in my Michael Jackson Joke!" "Tomato! Tomahto!" "Tomahto! Tomato!" "Let's call Susannah Hoff!"

Iggy at the Golden Globe Awards? He was just showing his Wife a nice time. And if you've seen that Woman you'd know it was worth it. DAMN!

Iggy drives a used Rolls Royce. It used to belong to David Bowie.  Iggy was already living in the Shed behind Bowie's House  so when Bowie died Iggy threw  a load of Bowie's stuff into the Rolls and Royced off! "I'm a Royce Car Driver!" It's funny because Iggy said it. But it's Okay because Iggy Wrote "China Girl" and Bowie had a Big Hit with that Song. Iggy Wrote "Space Oddity", right? No? Bring that Car back, Iggy! 

When your Commander weakens it is your Duty to Support him, not tear him down. IGGY knows what I mean!

People are going out of their minds with anticipation over Donald Trump being interogated by Robert Mueller. There will be Mass Suicides when they catch on that they won't be able to watch it on Television "WHAT!?! I WAS GONNA HAVE AN INTEROGATION PARTY!! SHIT! THE EXECUTION'S GONNA BE ON LIVE TV THOUGH, RIGHT!?! RIGHT!?! THEY OUGHTA HAVE A FIRING SQUAD FOR THE SUPER BOWL HALF TIME SHOW!!!" You know what they should do to satisfy all the "Law And Order"addled twits who find Trump getting cross examined by Mueller so exciting? A Live Television Production of the Court Room Scene in "The Caine Mutiny" with Trump as the demented Navy Officer Captain Queeg who becomes horribly unglued in front of everybody and Mueller as as Greenwald the brilliant US Army Attorney who reluctantly exposes Queeg as . . . Does Queeg say anything about "Shithole Countries"? Bring in Aaron Sorkin for a quick rewrite! Remember Humphrey Bogart in the Movie Version of that scene jabbering like a loon about people stealing strawberries and rolling a couple of steel ball bearings around in his hand? Aw . . . We can't trust Donald Trump with a couple of steel ball bearings, he'll whip out the Commander In Chief Sling Shot and give Mueller one of em RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES!!! ATTACK DONALD TRUMP AND HE ATTACKS RIGHT BACK!!!! WOW!! LET'S DO IT!! LET'S MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!! What? Why are you looking at me like that for? Am I in trouble again? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!! AND YOU BETTER KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR STRAWBERRIES, BITCH!!!!

Is Skin Diamond Okay? SOMEBODY CHECK ON SKIN DIAMOND!!!!

"What does it LOOK like I'm doing!?!"

A whole bunch of Female Porn Stars have died lately and they will probably keep right on dying until one Keels Over on Camera and creates a whole new World of Entertainment  America can sit around feeling like crap about.  One of these Women committed Suicide, another overdosed on those darn Pain Killers, another Died of This, Another Died of That, and there are dozens of other ones basically under Twenty Four Hour Video Surveillance, who knows what they'll come up with until we all throw ourselves into the Sea? Or at least throw a bunch of Good Looking Young Women into the Sea.  It'll be Okay, we'll PAY to throw em into the Sea. No, wait - There are a whole bunch of guys who would pay to watch em get thrown into a Pit Of Fire. Fine, we'll pay to throw em into a Pit Of Fire. They won't even have to be naked. Nah, they'll be naked.

"Nadine . . . We're Damned, aren't we?"

"Ya ever wonder . . . If we're so COOL . . . Why are we in Hollywood?"

"The Wild Angels" and "The Glory Stompers" are better Biker Movies than "Easy Rider". Pete Fonda in "The Wild Angels" and Dennis Hopper in "The Glory Stompers" jumped Pete Fonda and Dennis Hopper in "Easy Rider" and BEAT THE PISS OUT OF EM!!!! Pete Fonda in "The Wild Angels" and Dennis Hopper in "The Glory Stompers" are so much Cooler than Pete Fonda and Dennis Hopper in "Easy Rider" it's a freakin' disgrace. If Pete Fonda in "The Wild Angels" and Dennis Hopper in "The Glory Stompers" ever did Acid in a New Orleans Cemetary it would be an All Out Cheech And Chong Improvisational LAFF RIOT!!!! But Pete Fonda and Dennis Hopper in "Easy Rider"? BUMMER! Those two chicks from the Whorehouse were like "These guys are PUSSIES!!!!" "I thought this was gonna be a BIKER Movie!" Sometimes Jack Nicholson in "Easy Rider" will bring Jack Nicholson from "Five Easy Pieces" and Jack Nicholson from "The Last Detail" over to chase Pete Fonda and Dennis Hopper out of the Movie and do all kinds of crazy Jack Nicholson shit. One Time Lobsters1 rented "Easy Rider" and the Jack Nicholsons from those three Movies were tripping on Acid and making Crank Phone Calls to Jack Nicholson in that shitty Movie where he was hanging out with Greg Kinnear as the gay guy who went nuts and painted a picture of that "Mad About You" chick with no clothes on. Man, did those Jack Nicholsons give that Jack Nicholson a HARD TIME! WHOA!

"Hey! It's Skunk Baxter's Little Sister!"

Lobsters1 told Clint Eastwood to remake that "15:17 Paris" Movie so it's about the members of The Eagles Of Death Metal kicking Terrorist Butt at that Paris Concert instead of Army Guys on a Train. DIG IT, The Eagles Of Death Metal onstage in Paris when the ISIS Music Critics come inlike  Lester Bangs always wanted to do to Grand Funk Railroad so The Eagles Of  What The Hell Is That Band Name? drop their Instruments, grab their Guns . . . Who is Lobsters1 to tell Clint Eastwood how to make a Movie? If Ron Howards takes the job I'll be ordering him around like . . . Aw, now I have to explain Lester Bangs to these Squareheads! Anyway, Clint, those Army guys are too Cool to be in your shitty Movie. They're already Totall Bad Ass, but The Eagles Of Dung Beetles need all the help they can get. 

HELP WANTED

RECIEVING POSITION

JOB DESCRIPTION - Opening packages, removing contents, carrying contents around, placing contents in place with other contents, being in close proximity to place with all those contents all day long while opening more packages full of shit, I mean contents . . . Oh, God - Why do I Work here?

CALL 1-800-222-2222 Please it ring for a while, no one is in a hrry to go back inside the Building. The Recieving guy is in there but we don't let him touch the phone.

 

"One for me and one for Whitney Houston!"

Mark E Smith Died but I'm only going to Write something about Mark E Smith dying for People who knew who Mark E Smith was before he died.  If you want something about Mark E Smith dying for ignorant shits who have no idea who Mark E Smith was before he Died and still don't have the slightest idea who Mark E Smith was now that he's Dead go to some dumb ass Web Site and read about Barak Obama at a Party with a lot of Movie Stars and . . . Okay, everybody's left to go read stuff about Barak Obama at a Party and as soon as I put on this CD of Haitian Voodoo Drums the Corpse of Mark E Smith will come back to Life and drive to Taco Bell to pick up a couple of Burrotos for us. Mark E Smith did know how to Drive, right?

"Why are Americans always asking if I'm the fella from 'The New Guy' and 'Road Trip'?"

So, who do you think was the best Lead Singer for Van Halen - David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar, or Mark E Smith?  Yeah Yeah Yeah, I know Mark E Smith was never the Lead Singer for Van Halen , just play along - It's a Comedy Bit! Yeah Yeah Yeah, Mark E Smith being the Lead Singer for Van Halen doesnt make any sense . . . Didn't you ever take a goddam Improv Class?  God! Okay, just shut the Hell up while I do my Impression of  Mark E Smith Singing "Runnin' With The Devil"  . . . Uh . . . "Runnin' With The Devil" is a Van Halen Song. It's on the first Van Halen Album.  Jesus Christ, not only am I trying to do Comedy  with some one who doesn't know who Mark E Smith was, this bozo doesn't even know any Van Halen Songs!  I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG AROUND WITH YOU GUYS!!

MARK E SMITH WAS THE LEAD SINGER OF AN ENGLISH BAND CALLED THE FALL*

"At least I looked Nice in that first Picture, eh?"

*You idiots

How did Mark E Smith die? It would be embarassing if he died of the same thing as Tom Petty. Tom Petty died of an overdose of Pain Killers because he had a bad Hip, right? OH SHIT - Mark E Smith had a bad Hip, too! But he still could have gotten bitten in half by a Great White Shark or blown up by a Nazi Dive Bomber, right? Mark E Smith was far too Zany a Guy for  "Ooohhh . . . My Hip! . . . Pills! Where are my Pills! . . . Ahhh, now I feel better! . . . Pills! Good Good Pills! . . . Oh, my Heart has stopped!  . . . Hey, it's JERRY VAN DYKE!!!" SCREW THAT! When Mark E Smith died it involved Machine Guns, Barbed Wire, Explosions, Screams of Agony, Jerry Lewis' Invisible Typewriter Routine, Vince Neil and Razzle from Hanoi Rocks on a Beer Run, Corporal Hitler declaring "I'm gonna be a BIG MAN someday! JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE!!" and Bai LIng's Nude Shower Scene in "The CRow", right? Right? What? He died at Home? Mark E Smith had a HOME? Aw, man .  .

"She said she liked my Marble Counters! SHE WAS BEGGIN' FOR IT!!!"

Aziz Ansari was not at the SAG Awards because . . . Did anybody miss him? At the end of the Show did anybody cry "Hey! Where was Aziz Ansari? I sat there THE WHOLE TIME waiting for Aziz Ansari to come out and bug his eyes out at everybody but he never showed up! Did he hurt his eyes? Did Aziz Ansari bug his eyes out  too much backstage so they popped out and were rolling around on the floor? " That's the only reason anybody ever paid attention to Aziz Ansari, it's just a matter of Time until  until his eyes pop out of his head and roll around on the floor.  That would be funny.  People only laugh at Aziz Ansari because  his eyes look like they are about to pop out of his head and roll around on the floor.  Maybe somebody will step on em. That would be hilarious. But he wasn't at the SAG Awards because . . . He probably doesn't give a shit. The SAG Awards! Ikagine an awards show so lame not even Aziz Ansari can be bothered to go! Wow.

Boris at the controls of the Evil Trump Collusion Machine during Election Night 2016

Has anybody done a silly Comedy Bit about Boris and Natasha the Funny Russian Villians on "Bullwinkle" being involved in all that Trump-Russia Election stuff? Like, Boris and Natasha being the Russians who had that meeting with Trump Junior. Lobsters1 can't be the first one to have thought of that! You're probably reading this and thinking "Jimmy Kimmell already did that, you idiot!" Jimmy Kimmell must be one Hell of a Funny Guy if he is coming up with the same ideas as Lobsters1! But how come Lobsters1 is never crying like a little bitch in front of everybody like Jimmy Kimmell? Oh, wait - There was that Public Meltdown at Dippity Doo Do Nuts over how terrible the new Joe Perry Solo Album is . . . Shit.  Getting back to the Bullwinkle Show about Boris and Natasha stealing the Election . . .  You could have Bullwinkle as Robert Mueller . . . Who would play Rocky? Get Sylvester Stallone to play Rocky, anything to keep him from making another Rambo Movie. See? Lobsters1 goes from Jokes about Russian Election Sabotage to Jokes about Sylvester Stallone. That's how much he cares about anything.

At least Bill Maher never made us listen to him SING . . .

So, how is Joe Scarborough's Career as a Rock Star going? Any Joe Scarborough Fans out there? No, people who watch "Morning Joe" because they're idiots don't count. By "Joe Scarborough Fan" we mean all you Bad Ass Mofos Out There Gettin' Down To THAT WILD WILD JOE SCARBOROUGH SOUND!!!!! WHOA!!! Lobsters1 don't know no Joe Scarborough Fans cause when he sees Dangerous Edgy Rock And Roll Outlaws he calls the Cops and hides inside to listen to Dean Martin until his Blood Pressure goes back down. Cause Joe Scarborough is BAD ASS. Watching "Morning Joe" is the closest thing we've got in 2018 to hanging out in the Back Room at Max's Kansas City with Iggy and Loud Reed, man. Cause Joe Scarborough knows what it means to walk along the Lonely Street of Dreams. Joe Scarborough has been to The Edge. Joe Scarborough stood and looked down. Joe Scarborough lost a lot of Friends there, baby. Joe Scarborough's got no Time to mess around. Yeah, let's do that whole Song with "Joe Scarborough" stuck into it a few dozen Times. We've got a whole Blog to fill. Making fun of Joe Scarborough! A New Low for the Lobsters1 Blog! But at least Lobsters1 didn't mention Minka Brezinski.  You got to BLEED FOR IT, Minka Brezinski! GOT TO GOT TO BLEED FOR IT, Minka Brezinski! Hey, let's drink some Jack Daniels and work up the nerve to do some Jokes about "Fox And Friends"! Let's get WILD! Let's get CRAZY!!!! I'm tired. 

Hey, SUSAN HAYWARD is in it! I guess NATALIE PORTMAN is more your speed, eh? (Snickers) Or maybe ANNA KENDRICK!!! HAWHAWHAW!!!!

Don't make fun of sensitive people who break down crying over how racist it was for a white man like John Wayne to portray Genghis Khan in "The Conqueror". That role should have gone to the only Mongolian Actor in Hollywood, Kenny Khan. Kenny Khan never got any roles because he was Mongolian and when Hollywood finally made a Movie about a Mongolian they gave the part to John Wayne! John Wayne got to be in Ten Million Movies but all Kenny Khan ever got to do was make Tuna Fish Sandwiches for the Three Stooges! There was no Internet yet so Kenny Khan couldn't even do a BLOG! Kenny Khan auditioned for an Ed Wood Movie and died when Bela Lugosi passed out while trying to make Mongolian Barbeque. Dead Men Don't Get Irony. Bob Dylan Wrote a Song about Kenny Khan but it's one of his Born Again Christian Albums so if you go around talking about it you are going to wind up making Tuna Fish SAndwiches for those guys on "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".  

They should have called that stupid Movie "The Khanqueror".

The Horror. The Horror.

You know what's terrifying? If Woody Allen can get away with being such a creep because he was so funny Fifty Years ago what kind of atrocities was GROUCHO MARX commiting before he finally died? HE WAS THE FUNNIEST MAN OF ALL TIME!!! Woody Allen did WEIRD STUFF to some poor little Vietnamese Girl but THE WHOLE VIETNAM WAR was Groucho Marx's idea! "Let's all go to Asia and DO WEIRD STUFF TO MILLIONS OF POOR LITTLE GIRLS!!!" Not to put down all the guys who were drafted and sent to fight over there - They'll kick your ass! - But when they had a little Time to wonder "What the hell am I doing over here?" they would not have been very happy to find out they were just making a diversion for Groucho Marx and Woody Allen and Bob Hope to run all over South East Asia . . . GOD, THAT SOUNDS FUN!!!! No wonder Lobsters1 got into Comedy when he was a kid.  

Remember this next time some jerk puts down Elvis for serving in the Army

You think Bob Hope was a Patriot because he did a bunch of Shows for the Troops in Vietnam? Jerry Lewis was such a Great American his SON fought in Vietnam! WHAT A HERO! Bob Hope would walk off of the Stage after a Show in Saigon and "Mister Hope, it's a Phone Call from Jerry Lewis in Vegas!" "Hello, Jerry?" "Hey, General Custer, hope you had a nice Show! While you were telling your little Jokes My Son - MY FIRST BORN!!! - watched some Communist rip his Best Friend's intestines out with a Can Opener!" "Yes, Jerry." "He hasn't had a decent night's sleep in four and a half months!" "Yes, Jerry." "I'm so worried about him committing suicide I might kill myself!" "Yes, Jerry." "I hope you've at least worked out a way to scam a lot of Money out of whatever the hell you're doing over there." "Yes, Jerry." "I gotta go. I'm in a jacuzzi with four seventeen year old girls. Or is it seven fourteen year old girls?" "Yes, Jerry." That's how Woody Allen got his start in Show Business, pretending to be Bob Hope and saying "Yes, Jerry" in Saigon while taking phone calls from Jerry Lewis.

Thanks, Pulp People.  Now I can face doing the laundry.

Is Lobsters1 the only person in America that listens to Pulp? Oh, I'm sorry . . . Pulp was a British Rock Band in the Nineties. Or was it the Eighties? I'm not sure. Anyway, Twenty or Thirty (Maybe Forty?) Years ago these People got together in England and said "There's this guy in America who is really screwing everything up and by 2018 he's going to need something to cheer himself up at Night so let's spend the next few Years making Records he can listen to on You Tube . . . I don't know what You Tube is, that's another thing someone else is Working on right now to keep that miserable American from blowing his brains out in 2018". Anyway, that's where tthis Pulp Band comes from. In the Sixties The Beatles made Records that inspired millions of People to Change The World so then in the  Eighties or Nineties Pulp made Records that helped some Poor Piece Of Shit do a Comedy Podcast and a Blog instead of going Berserk and flinging his own feces at passing vehicles. The Beatles were for Everybody. Pulp is for Lobsters1. Sometime in the Past Half Century there is a British Rock Band just for YOU! For Example - The Wonder Stuff! I've never listened to The Wonder Stuff, nobody I have ever known has ever listened to The Wonder Stuff, Maybe The Wonder Stuff is the British Rock Band  for YOU! Look em up on that You Tube thing. Nobody in Blue Oyster Cult ever gave a damn about your dumb ass!

BEEN DRINKING ALL NIGHT AND WANT THE BOSS TO THINK YOU'RE SOBER?

"Oooooooooohhhhhhh . . . "

Listen To SLOPPY STEVE'S MORNING ZOO

AT WSSB FM!!!

SLOPPY STEVE PLAYS TED NUGENT AND NOTHING BUT TED NUGENT!!!

"Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh!!!"

Ted is SOBER but he sounds as MESSED UP as You and Steve Actually are!!!!

WSSB FM Presents Traffic Reports From KELLY ANN CONWAY In The Sloppy Steve Morning Zoo KELLY COPTER!!!

A PROGRAMMING ANNOUNCEMENT FROM WSSB FM MANAGEMENT

"I'm sorry! Yeah, Sorry for that 'Kellycopter' Joke!"

Sloppy Steve's Morning Zoo Has Been Cancelled

Sloppy Steve Called The Owner's Son "Treasonous" For Wearing A Bruce Springsteen T Shirt

Fallon ruffled more feathers here than Lenny Bruce did in his entire Life

Jimmy Fallon is getting in on that Crazy Political Satire the Kids are into these days with a Wacky "Fire And Fury" Parody called "Fire And Fuzzy". It's about when he played with Donald Trump's Hair on "Th Tonight Show" "It will be really funny! 'Funny'? How about 'Fire And Funny'? Don't let the Writers go after they are finished Writing 'Fire And Fuzzy'! Make em Write a 'Fire And Funny' thing, too! Hey, how about 'Fully'? Isnt that a Word?  Yeah, 'Fire And Fully'! Get the Writers to Work on that! And how about 'Fuddy'? You know, like 'Fuddy Duddy'? 'Fire Dire And Fuddy Duddy'! Get em to Write that! Yeah! Hey! Where is everybody going? HEY!

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF "WHAT'S GOIN' ON, TOMMY CHONG"?

"Hey, first Jerry Lewis Dies and now Jerry Van Dyke? Tell Chevy Chase to quit being JerryFord or he's gonna be in a lotta trouble, man!"

TOMMY : Oh, Hey, Wow! How did this happen?

LOBSTERS1 : What's goin' on, Tommy Chong?

TOMMY : I don't know! How is what I am saying getting on the Internet, man?

LOBSTERS1 : How old are you these days, Tommy?

TOMMY : I'm not sure! Hey, the words that come out of my mouth are all over the screen!

LOBSTERS1 : Seems to me that you've finally smoked too much Pot, Tommy!

TOMMY : Oh, man, I'm not going to talk any more!

LOBSTERS1 : Maybe you shouldn't smoke Pot any more.

TOMMY : You're an ASSHOLE, man!

LOBSTERS1 : Yeah!

 

 

"We trying to contact Jerry Mathers right now!"

What ever happened to Sean Spicer? He used to be on TV standing behind that Podium every day, then he was standing behind that Podium on the Emmy Awards, but where is he today? Where is his Podium? Where, Sean Spicer, Where? Where, Podium, Where? A Lobsters1 Blog Investigation has found Sean Spicer on the Streets of Los Angeles Sleeping inside his Podium which he believes to be The White House. Sometimes he thinks he is Donald Trump Living in The White House, other Times he thinks he is Abraham Lincoln Living in The White House, and other Times he thinks he is Franklyn Roosevelt Living inside The White House. You can tell when Sean Spicer thinks he is Franklyn Roosevelt because he is yelling about his Wheelchair, you can tell when Sean Spicer thinks he is Abraham Lincoln because he is yelling about his Civil War, and you can tell when Sean Spicer thinks he is Donald Trump because he is yelling about how tired he is of hearing about Wheelchairs and Civil Wars. And every Morning he Sings "The Sean Spicer Song". It goes . . . Oh, you don't want to hear "The Sean Spicer Song"? Oh, Thank God.  Boy, is it depressing.

"Read the Lobsters1 Blog, everybody!"

Michael Wolfe says there are things in "Fire And Fury" that might not be True. Does he have stuff in there about Donald Trump turning into a Werewolf and killing People when there is a Full Moon so all the stuff about him Plotting with the Russians to steal the Election won't sound quite so crazy? Is that how they tricked People into liking Hillary Clinton? Did they tell People that Hillary Clinton Played all the Guitars on all the good Aerosmith Albums in the Seventies so all the stuff about her being a Great Secretary Of State wouldn't sound so crazy? In "Fire And Fury" Wolff makes Trump's Twitter stuff look even worse with what he Posts on The Donald1 Blog about Hillary Clinton Playing all the Guitars on all the good Aerosmith Albums in the Seventies and him turning into a Werewolf and killing People when there is a Full Moon. So if "Fire And Fury" is a Good Book about Donald Trump any Book is a Good Book about Donald Trump. Except for Joe Perry's Autobiography - That's a Really Good Book about Hillary Clinton.

Lobsters1 thought this was funny until the Day he found that FROZEN DOG on the Front Porch!

A lot of FROZEN DOGS in the News lately. No matter what has been bugging you lately if "At least you aren't a Frozen Dog" does not make you feel better you are just a Big Ol' Cry Baby. Lobsters1 was in the ER in his Rubber George Clooney Mask last Night and the only Person who did not say "Yeah, you got a point there" after George Clooney (Lobsters1) told him "At least you aren't a Frozen Dog" was a Guy whose Head had been torn off by a Grizzley Bear. He did not have that interesting a response but at least the Blood spurting out of his Neck slowed down a bit. The Nurses arranged his Fingers into a jaunty "Thumbs Up!" and had the Resident Ventriloquist make it seem like he was Singing "Yellow Submarine" by The Beatles. So Give Up on Scientology and "Seinfeld" reruns and Sign Up for the "At Least You Aren't A Frozen Dog" Religious Cult! "Why didn't I think of THAT?" Mumbled Charles Manson moments before the Executioner Grizzley Bear tore his Head off "I don't know, Charles!" Lobsters1 said "Is 'Yellow Submarine' on 'The White Album'? I get all that crap mixed up" But the Grizzley Bear had torn Manson's head off by then and now Lobsters1 will never know what Beatles Album "Yellow Submarine" is on . Lobsters1 could look it up but he don't give a shit. Lobsters1 is all about, The Frozen Dogs! THE FROZEN DOGS!!!!  

"Oh, Bruce Lee - BIG DEAL!!!"

A Welcome Sign that Lobsters1 has yet to have gone completely out of his Mind - Lobsters1 was about to Write a Comedy Bit about that Asian Guy who Played Sulu on "Star Trek" and it took about THREE MINUTES for him to remember the Guy's Name! That ought to be enough to cut down on Lobsters1's Psych Med Dosage right there! CHEER UP, LOBSTERS1! You just might make it to the end of the Month without getting tied up in a Straight Jacket and ZAPPED to a smouldering crisp by Electroshock after all! And you were afraid that they were going to Hire John Waters to Write and Direct your Hollywood Bio Pic! And . . . OH, SHIT!!!! That "John Waters" just POPPED OUT of Lobsters1's Mind like a Paper Bag full of slop out of a McDonald's Drive Thru Window! DANGER DANGER DANGER Lobsters1 didn''t have to Pause to recall the Name of the Psycho Nut that made "Pink Flamingos" for ONE SECOND! DANGER DANGER DANGER It was right there on The Tip Of His Tongue! "Pink Flamingos" on The Tip Of His Tongue!?! WHERE IS THAT LITHIUM!?! WHERE IS THAT DUMP TRUCK FULL OF LITHIUM!?! Is it possible to make a BULLET out of LITHIUM? A BULLET made out of LITHIUM instead of LEAD!?! SOMEBODY GET TO WORK! LOBSTERS1 WILL BE TIED TO A TREE IN THE WOODS UNTIL YOU'RE FINISHED! 

AMERICA THANKS YOU, SHERWOOD SCHWARTZ!

Lobsters1 spent all of 2017 Writing a Six Hundred Page Biography of Sherwood Schwartz, the Comedy Genius that Created "The Brady Bunch", and now he can't get any one to read it! They won't even take the Three Brown Paper Envelopes the Six Hundred Page Biography of Sherwood Schwartz is packaged in out of his hands! Lobsters1 tries to give them the Three Brown Paper Envelopes the Six Hundred Page Sherwood Schwartz Biography is packaged in and they just CRASH Lobsters1 over the head with it! Lobsters1 has spent most of 2018 so far passed out on the ground . . . OH, SHIT! Some one has taken the Six Hundred Pages of Sherwood Schwartz's Biography out of the Three Brown paper Envelopes and replaced them with Three One Hundred Pound Weights from out of the Gym Weight Room! No Wonder the Top of Lobsters1's Head has been so Squishy lately. Is that why the Guy in The Barber Shop got sick and passed out when Lobsters1 sat down in his Chair and asked him for a little trim this Morning? No Wonder that Coon Skin Cap keeps falling off.

Immediately run out of the room if this ever occurs

America is SO IMPRESSED with how COOL Spike Lee's Record Collection is they are bringing back his "She's Gotta Have It" for another Season "All I am trying to do with my TV Show is impress everybody in the World with how GREAT my Record Collection is. Every Episode of 'She's Gotta Have It' is designed to make at least One Quarter of a Billion People say 'Holy Shit, does Spike Lee have a Cool Record Collection or What?'

LOOK OUT EVERYBODY! Jim Jarmusch's Record Collection has challenged Spike Lee's Record Collection to a DANCE OFF!

(Lobsters1 enters as Bowzer from Sha Na Na. He thinks he is dressed as Joe Strummer but he just looks like Bowzer)

LOBSTERS1: Hey, man, I hear you're pretty good! Don't you know you're in my neighborhood? I hear you're pretty fast on your feet. You better be at the Dance down on Fourteenth Street, YOU HEAR?

OFFICER KRUPKE : What the Hell are you talkin' 'bout, Lobsters1"

LOBSTERS1 : Spike Lee's Record Collection and Jim Jarmusch's Record Collection know what Record I'm quoting!

SPIKE LEE'S RECORD COLLECTION : I don't know what the Hell he's talking about! Do you know what he's talking about, Jim Jarmusch's Record Collection?

JIM JARMUSCH'S RECORD COLLECTION : He's just being an asshole!

MARTIN SCORSESE'S RECORD COLLECTION : Ooooohhhh! Oooooh! I know what Record he's talking about!

SPIKE LEE'S RECORD COLLECTION : Martin Scorsese's Record Collection? Nobody cares about Martin Scorsese!

JIM JARMUSCH'S RECORD COLLECTION : That Loser put "Layla" in a Movie! Freakin' "Layla"!"

MARTIN SCORSESE'S RECORD COLLECTION : But it was the really pretty Instrumental part at The End!

SPIKE LEE'S RECORD COLLECTION : GET OUTTA HERE!

JIM JARMUSCH'S RECORD COLLECTION : SCRAM!!

THE END

Everything was Cooler in the 70's. Even the Rabbits.

Jimmy Carter was attacked by a RABBIT! Yeah, you remember Forty Years Ago when President Jimmy Carter was attacked by a Rabbit. Lobsters1 has been trying to come up with a funny "Jimmy Carter Attacked By A Rabbit" Joke ever since and now - After Four Decades - he has finally come up with something GOOD. What? No, it's not a "Donald Trump attacked By A Rabbit" Joke. Donald Trump has never been attacked by a Rabbit. A "Donald Trump Attacked By A Rabbit" Joke wouldn't make any sense! But a "Jimmy Carter Attacked By A Rabbit" Joke would be HILARIOUS! BECAUSE IT REALLY HAPPENED! So . . . Jimmy Carter was attacked by a Rabbit and . . . Uh . . . Jimmy Carter . . . AW, SHIT! YOU GOT ME SO MIXED UP I FORGOT MY JIMMY CARTER ATTACKED BY A RABBIT JOKE!!!! CRAP!!! All my Life the only thing that has kept me going through all these Years of Suffering and Struggle was the Hope that one day I would finally discover the Ultimate "Jimmy Carter Attacked By A Rabbit" Joke and just when I was on the verge of that Final Moment of Triumph and Existential Fulfillment . . . Uh . . . What was I talking about?

Stephen Colbert enters wearing a Rabbit Costume and holding a Baseball Bat with Barbed Wire Wrapped around it

COLBERT : Anybody seen Donald Trump around here?

(Deafening Laughter and Applause from the Audience)

LOBSTERS1: I HATE you, Stephen Colbert!

Jimmy Carter enters

CARTER : I am sure that your Joke about me being attacked by a Rabbit was very funny, Lobsters1.

LOBSTERS : I thought you were Dead.

 

What the hell is that idiot doing?

Chris Cuomo has a new Show on CNN! "Can I have Puppets? I want to do a Show with Puppets! Funny Donald Trump Puppets!" "Yeah, Chris - You can have Puppets." "I can make Puppets out of Socks! Look!" "Uh huh. Put your Socks back on, Chris." "Look at my Toes! I drew little faces on my Toes! Talking Toes! Talking Toes! Donald Trump face on my Big Toe!" "That's really great, Chris . . . " "Look at me!" "Chris! Come down off of that desk!" "Chris fly to Puppetland!" "Chris! Come down!" "Chris can FLYYYYYY!!" "Oh, shit!" (SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE - Lobsters1 thinks Chris Cuomo is a Moron) "Chris Write Comedy sketch about Donald Trump! Trump play with Puppets! Funny Rocket Man Puppet! Trump take off Socks! Trump draws faces on Toes!" "Is Trump going to fall off of the desk, Chris?" "You funny!" 

"Ha! This Lobsters1 fool is posting about Jerry Lewis again!" "He is an Infidel and a Troll!"

Iran is lifting restrictions on Social Media! That's good because not knowing what Iranian dudes think of those new "Star Trek" Movies is driving everybody out their minds.  Lobsters1 can't remember the last time he mocked an Iranian for living in his Mother's Basement. And it's SO FUNNY when "The Simpsons" quotes go over their Turban Wearing Heads "ZOOOM!!!" "WHAT WAS THAT!?!"

"The Eye Of The Chihuahua, bitches! The Eye Of The Chihuahua!"

Steve Bannon said that some bullshit that happened was "Treasonous". It doesn't really matter what Bannon said, it's just a good excuse to post another picture of him on the Blog and make mean jokes about how creepy looking he is. LOOK AT HIM! WHAT A CREEP! Ugh . . . That guy is so creepy looking there aren't any jokes that could help us get over how creepy looking he is. Why did we put that picture of him on the Blog?  Everybody's so creeped out they're going Off Line to hide under the Bed!  LOOK OUT!!! STEVE BANNON IS ALREADY UNDER THE BED WAITING FOR YOU!!! He is going to EAT you! Oh, man. Too late. They turned the Blog off before they could read the Warning.  And now Steve Bannon is eating them. Oh, man! Shit! WHAT A CREEP!

Lobsters1 will come up with a funny caption as soon as he finishes drinking that Coffee

Usually all Lobsters1 has to do to Write the Blog is drink a little Coffee and - SHAZAM! - He instantly gets a Crazy Comedy Idea. But then there are other times when Lobsters1 drinks some Coffee and . . . Nothing happens. No "SHAZAM!", no nothing. So . . . Uh . . . Let's Write "SHAZAM!" down and look at it for a second. Maybe something will come to mind. . . Nope . . . Nothing . . . Lobsters1 just spent an Hour  looking at that "SHAZAM! there and it feels like he could look at it for another Hour . . . And . . . It feels like watching PBS. Hey . . . Was that JOKE? Yeah! That bit about PBS was a Joke! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY! THANK YOU FOR READING THE LOBSTERS1 BLOG!!!

Uh . . . How much Lobsters1 pay for that Coffee? OH SHIT! That one little PBS Joke wasn't worth all that! No more going to Starbucks to Work on the Blog! SCREW THAT!

Attention, Snipers!

The North Korean Dictator Dude has a Button on his Desk he can press to launch Nuclear Missilles, Matt Lauer had a Button his Desk he could press to lock Hot Babes in his Office, Donald Trump has a Button on his Desk he can push to get a Diet Coke . . . Why doesn't Lobsters1 have a Cool Button he can push on his Groovy Desk? Lobsters1 doesn't even have a Desk! A Button on Lobsters1 Shirt fell off and he doesn't know how to sew it back on! He tried putting it back on with Adhesive Tape and everybody was LAUGHING at him! So Lobsters1 can understand wanting to launch Nuclear Missilles at a Nation full of assholes pointing and laughing at some Poor Guy with a Button taped onto his Shirt. GOOD FOR YOU, LIL' NORTH KOREAN GUY! Lobsters1 doesn't have an insulting name for you like "Rocket Man" or "Button Taped To Shirt Man" Go right ahead and push your "Nuclear Holocaust Button" on your Desk! LOBSTERS1 DON'T GIVE A SHIT! "Oh . . . Okay. If you say so . . . " Rocket Man pushes Button on Desk, Donald Trump comes in, and gives him a Diet Coke.

MUSIC : "Give Peace A Chance" 

Okay, make up an idea for a funny caption! NOW! Come on, make up  something Funny . . NOW! Eh . . . How much did you pay for thoseImprov Classes?

Any Joker Guys talking about Tommy Wiseau running for President yet? Somebody is bound to bring that up. "WISEAU FOR PRESIDENT!" Why yhe Hell not? Tommy will run against Tom Hanks AND KICK HANKS" ASS!!! Okay, you kids who just finished a course at The Upright Citizen's Brigade - Let's see a Sketch about Tommy Wiseau and Tom Hanks having a Presidential Debate . . . That was GOOD! Now let's see a Sketch about Tommy Wiseau being Sworn into Office and Tom Hanks trying to be a Good Sport about it . . . Eh, that was kind of funny but woud Tom Hanks REALLY pick up his chair and throw it Wiseau right in the middle of the Ceremony? That might Work with Hillary Clinton but . . .  Yeah, we'll work on it, we'll work on it . . . Now, let's see a Sketch where President Wiseau finds Tom Hanks hiding on Air Force One . . . Yeah! That was GOOD STUFF! We're going to Write the Lobsters1 Blog like this all the Time now! Okay, let's do a thing about Matt Lauer . . . What? PAY YOU? HAW HAW HAW!!! WELCOME TO DOING COMEDY ON THE INTERNET, PUNKS!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!!! Hey, where ya goin'?

"LOOK AT ME!!!! I'M A JOURNALIST!!!"

The very first thing a TV Reporter has to do when covering the Middle East is get a REALLY CUTE SCARF just like the ones all the Really Cute Arabs wear "Oh! I can't do my Remore just yet! I haven't put on my REALLY CUTE SCARF!" That's why the Israel don't get favorable coverage any more - The Isrealis don't wear REALLY CUTE SCARVES!!!! "What, you think my Great Grandfather had a REALLY CUTE SCARF when he was in Auschwitz? Get outta here with your REALLY CUTE SCARF, schmuck!" Dan Rather says "I really envy these younger Journalists today doing Remotes from the Middle East. Why didn't those stupid Vietnamese have REALLY CUTE SCARVES when I was a Young Reporter back in the Sixties?  THEY ARE SO CUTE!!!! If we could have Worn those REALLY CUTE SCARVES while we were covering the War in Vietnam we would have been a lot more POSITIVE about the whole thing, the American people would have gotten behind the the War Effort and . . . Eh, screw it.

"Why we gotta sing some stupid Supertamp Song? Don't you know about Guided By Voices?"

GOD BE PRAISED! Lobsters1 made it the way through the Holidays without hearing even one disgusting joke about what kind of  Orifice those Boxes with a Mouth in front of the Box might have on the rear end of the Box! If Lobsters1 heard one - JUST ONE! - Sick Joke about what a Box with a Mouth in front might have in the back he would have . . . What? Lobsters1 was the only guy in the Earth creepy enough to think of such a thing? Oh, everybody else was getting all emotional and Singing "Give a little bit, give a little bit of your Love to me . . . " along with the Cute Cartoon Boxes while Lobsters1 was thinking about . . . Never mind. Forget I brought it up. NO, I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE A RORSCHACH TEST RIGHT NOW! LEAVE ME ALONE!

NEW YEARS EVE BACK PAIN HORROR FOR LOBSTERS1!

"Happy New Year!" "You gonna make it to Work Monday. Lobsters1?" "Aw, yeah!"

OW! BACK PAIN LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE! OW! It took so long to get out of Bed and into the Bathroom Lobsters1 thought he was taking a Whiz on the Fouth Of July. Was that funny? Who knows? The Doctor gave Lobsters1 a Pain Killer called Cyclobenzaprine  and hopefully it will  rocket him into that crazy Opioid Epidemic that people who have not made the transition to Heroin are so concerned about (Takes Pill) That was the Eleventh one in Ten minutes, Lobsters1 Back feels okay but his Front is face down on the Living Room Floor of of the Mexico City Apartment where William Burroughs accidentally Shot his Wife in the Head. Here comes the Tour Guide! "See the Blood Stains on the Wall? Crazy Man shot Crazy Wife in the Head! See the Puddle of Green Slime on the Floor? Lobsters1 just made the transition to Heroin and dissolved into a Mini Bayou! Let's go into the Kitchen make Missus Burroughs Ginger Bread Cookies and bite off the Head! BANG!!! (Lobsters1 takes thirteen more Pills) Lobsters1 is in the Parking Lot eating Cars and grabbing National Guardsmen with his Tentacles. FOX NEWS is on the Scene! "New Year's Eve Opioid Monster Hullaballoo! The Pain Med Monster has eaten the entire South East United States and will be rampaging across the Mid West as soon as he completes his Blog Post! (Lobsters1 takes eighteen Pills the size of an SUV) "Was Tolstoy taking Cyclobenzaprine when he Wrote 'Get Outta Here Napoleon!'? Will Lobsters1 be going to Work tomorrow? STAY TUNED!"

2017 - THE YEAR IN LOBSTERS1

"Rachel Maddow wasn't on 'Charmed', was she?"

JANUARY

Allyssa Milano makes too much noise about Trump winning the Election so Lobsters1 dumps her.

"You come back you see!"

FEBRUARY

 

Lobsters1 screws up and gets back together with Bai Ling. Dumps her yet again when she gets drunk and embarrasses him in front of Robert Mueller.

"Whatever happened to that Sweet Girl from 'Jefferson In Paris'?"

 

 

 

MARCH

                                                                                                                                       Lobsters1 throws Thandi Newton out when he sees her running around naked all over HBO "NO WOMAN OF MINE IS GONNA RUN AROUND NAKED ALL OVER HBO!!!!" The "HBO" part is what REALLY hurts "They said you was High Class. Well, that was just a LIE!"

"Bai Ling ready to meet Lobsters1's Mom."

APRIL

Lobsters1 breaks up with Bai Ling again after she tries to get high by smoking his Tax Records. She thought the "W" in "W2" stood for "Weed". "GODDAMMIT, BAI LING!!!!"

The Blood is from when Bai Ling drank a Fifth of Vodka and jumped out of a Zeppelin

MAY

Lobsters1 is dating Rosita from "The Walking Dead" now that Bai Ling is in Rehab and Rosita's Boyfriend Abraham is . . . Oh, that would be a SPOILER, wouldn't it? Everything is GREAT. Except for all those Dead People trying to eat us.

"This Week we learned that Rosita is PREGNANT and Simon is GAY. We're never watching 'The Talking Dead' again!" "'TALKING DEAD' GOOD SHOW!" "SHUT THE HELL UP, BAI LING!!"

JUNE

Rosita appears on "The Talking Dead" and she is PREGNANT! Lobsters1 has enough problems with all those Dead People trying to eat him and Bai Ling trying to run him over with a Stretch Limo, now he has to take care of Abraham's Orphan Offspring, too? "Rosita, things aren't working out . . . LOOK OUT FOR THAT DEAD GUY!!!"

Anthrax Prank Lip Stick! "Oh, very funny, Bai Ling! VERY FUNNY!!!"

JULY

Lobsters1 and Bai Ling are going to spend the Summer in France but everyone in Europe is mad at Bai Ling because of something that crazy bitch did at The Cannes Film Festival "Sneak back to the US while she's passed out under the table!" advises Mickey Rourke "Good idea!"

"Simon is NOT gay!"

AUGUST

Lobsters1 realises he has fallen so low he is taking advice from Mickey Rourke and shoots himself.

SEPTEMBER

After a Bullet goes through his Head Lobsters1 transcends Time and Space to have a thing with Cybil Shepherd in the early Seventies "It was before she met Peter Bogdanovich so I just told her I was Peter Bogdanovich and THERE WE GO!" Too bad Travis Bickle never thought of that.

OCTOBER

Lobsters1 goes back to 2017 and finds out that Bai Ling was the only one tha went to his Funeral. She thought there would be an Open Bar. "No, Bai, there was an OPEN CASKET so every one could laugh at my Brains falling out of my Skull "It made Cybil Shepherd VOMIT!" "Cybil was there? What a Nice Woman!"

"I put on this nice Dress and all my Tattoos fell off!!"

NOVEMBER

Bai Ling COULDN'T WAIT to tell Lobsters1 his Ex Asia Argento is with tha creepy Anthony Bourdain. Lobsters1 is so enraged he grows to a Height of Five Hundred Feet, destroys Tokyo, and gets Married to the Crazy Girl in "Battle Royalle".

Everybody SHUT THE HELL UP!!! Lobsters1 thinks she's NICE!!!

DECEMBER

Uh . . . Some bullshit about that Blonde on "The Big Bang Theory". This is depressing.