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Swords up and knock the shit out of everybody - Barry Hannah
Uh Oh! Gee Whiz! Shucks! Everybody was all Happy when the North Koreans said they were ready to Denuclearize but it turns out that "Denuclearize" means one thing in English and a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT thing in Korean! Why can't them Foreigners be as good at Language as us Guys are? In English "Denuclearize" means "No More Nuclear Weapons! YAY!!!" But in Korean it means "Mike Pompeo not even confirmed by Senate!!! FUCK THAT GUY!!! HA HA!!!" It's that "HAHA!!!" that gets Lobsters1. How come no one ever says that while reading his Blog? Geez . . .
Comey might be in TROUBLE!!! Turns out that something he talked about doing while he was testifying to Congress was ILLEGAL! So how come nobody in Congress didn't jump up and yell "HEY! What you just said you did . . . That is ILLEGAL!!!" Lobsters1 didn't see Comey testifying because he was at Work and didn't see Comey talking about doing something that should have made some guy say "Hey, wait a minute . . . That was ILLEGAL!!!" Which is good because then Lobsters1 would have been sitting around fuming about that while sitting around fuming about Alec Baldwin's Donald Trump impression on "Saturday Night Live" and "Hey, wait a minute . . . That was ILLEGAL!!!" and "Hey, wait a minute . . . That wasnt FUNNY!!!!" going on inside your Head at the same Time will completely hollow out your Skull. Those Idiots worship Comey so much he probably said something like "I was late to a Meeting with the President one day cause I was busy with my Side Hustle selling Crack to Schoolchildren and when I got to the White House . . . " When everybody is on the edge of their seats waiting for you to say something that will help them bring down Donald Trump they only pay attention to the "help them bring down Donald Trump" stuff. Something like "I have been bringing in Ten Million Dollars a Year selling Crack to your stupid kids" just goes in one ear and out the other. Oh, this was a mistake? Eat me.
Waffle House Shooting Hero James Shaw has become an Inspiration to Millions as The First American To Get Up Off His Ass And Do Something since the end of The Second World War "Wow! If I had known about getting up off your ass and doing something I might have bothered to learn how to read!" "Getting up off your ass and doing something? If I had known about doing such a thing I might have helped my old Girlfriend when she got pregnant!" "If that Shaw guy had been around to show me about getting up off your ass and doing something I would have done more with the past Thirty Years of my Life than sitting around smoking dope and watching Cable TV!" Everybody stops talking about James Shaw for a moment. Then . . . "Eh, to Hell with that guy!" "Screw him!" "He's an asshole!" "What's on HBO?" "Where did you get that bong?" "Stole it from my old roommate."
Now that ABC's "Roseanne" reboot is a Big Hit the Network is going to bring back Glenn Beck's Nineties Sit Com "Look At That Guy's Fruity Shirt!" Wait a Minute . . . Does anybody remember a Glenn Beck Sit Com on ABC Twenty Years ago? "Oh, it was a GREAT Show!" says Beck "It was about a Confederate Statue that comes to Life and goes around insulting guys that aren't carved out of Granite! Mount Rushmore was on it as my 'Posse'!" There was no such Show, right? Anyway, the first Episode of "Look At That Guy's Really Pretty Shirt!" was on ABC last night and Ten Billion People watched it. That's what Genn Beck says "ABC made me change the Title or they would feed my kids to the Giant Radioactive Rats!" Okay, that's it for talking about Glenn Beck today "Some guy is Writing about me in a Blog that nobody reads!" Go away, Glenn Beck!
Donald Trump is throwing a Big Fancy Dinner for the Queen Of France so let's do a lot of Stupid Comedy Bits about how he will be serving a lot of McDonads and Taco Bell food with plenty of Diet Coke. Ha Ha. Because Donald Trump eats a lot of McDonalds and Taco Bell food and drinks plenty of Diet Coke. And then something where Trump gets twice as much Ice Cream as anybody else. HA HA! And it's a Party for somebody from France so they show a bunch of JERRY LEWIS Movies! (Mention "The Day The Clown Cried" so we can be as "Hip" as Patton Oswalt!) Patton Oswalt? Forgot all about him. I thought he would have become the Queen of France by now. He sure seemed to be Auditioning for the gig. Anyway, watch Late Night TV the Night of the Party and there will be a lot of FUNNY STUFF about it. Lobsters1 will be in his Room listening to Blondie.
Rob Reiner made another Statement about how much he HATES everybody that isn't a Rich Hollywood Leftie giving everybody that isn't a Rich Hollywood Leftie another oppurtunity to call him "Meathead". This happens every Week and a half or so. Nobody would be aware of Rob Reiner at all if it wasn't so much fun to call him "Meathead". They're going to redub every Episode of "All In The Family" so instead of "Meathead" Archie Bunker will call Rob Reiner "Shitbreath". "Calling Rob Reiner 'Shitbreath' every time he says something really ugly and stupid will be even more fun than calling him 'Meathead'" says the Genius who will be changing all the '"Meathead"s on "All In The Family" into "Shitbreath"s "I'm going to make a lot of MONEY!!!!" What does Rob Reiner have to say about this? "I don't know. He's been kind of quiet lately" Maybe he died? "That would be fine with me."
It has been revealed that before he was The Waffle House Naked Guy Gunman Travis J Reinking was The White House Busted Guy Gunman. Why wasn't he The White House Naked Guy Gunman? That would have been so exciting he could have started a popular You Tube Channe. Guess he only resorted to the "Naked" thing to Jazz up going from that Classy White House to the rather mundane Waffle House. Lobsters1 hears that Sean Spicer guy is hanging out at The Waffle House with The Mooch and Steve Bannon "I wish some crazy naked guy would come in here and shoot us all right now! Hey, Hope Hicks! What have I gotta do to get a Cup of Coffee around here!?" And then Kid Rock gets in a fight with somebody.
WAFFLE HOUSE!!! WAFFLE HOUSE!!! WAFFLE HOUSE!!!
The Black Guy that beat up the Waffle House Naked Guy Gunman is a National Hero! Good thing he didn't go to Starbucks instead of The Waffle House. That's what those two Black Guys who got arrested at Starbucks for just sitting around not ordering anything were doing - Waiting for The Starbucks Naked Guy Gunman "When is that Naked Guy Gunman gonna show up so we can be Heroes? OH SHIT! IT'S KID ROCK!!!!"
The new Amy Schumer Movie didn't Bomb as badly as they thought it would so now she can pretend it is a Success "Ha Ha!" says Tina Fey "I remember when I thought I was going to get away with that!" Tina Fey made a Movie that nobody went to see a while ago and she would smoke dope in the Ladies Room and then sit in the empty Theater pretending it was full of people "WOW! Good thing I got here early enough to get a good seat!" And then she'd do a Man's voice "I haven't seen a crowd this big since I went to see 'Titanic'!" Then she'd talk with a Mexican guy's voice "And yet this is a Titanic crowd, yes?" and then Tina Fey would talk in her Sarah Palin voice "Who let that Mexican in here? Is he one of those Dreamers? Did he buy a Ticket? I'm Sarah Palin!" Then the Movie would start and she'd get depressed and go Home. Lobsters1 went to see that Amy Schumer Movie and Sarah Palin was actually there chasing Mexicans up and down the aisle. Tina Fey got thrown out for trying to sneak in some Beer "It's not my Beer! It belongs to that guy who was talking about 'Titanic'!"
MORE TERRIBLE COMEDY MOVIE NEWS . . .
Owen Wilson, Ed Helms, and Terry Bradshaw made a Terrible Comedy Movie that nobody went to see and spent the past Month hanging around in the Store next to the DVD rack taking in loud voices about what a funny Movie it is and how great it would be if somebody bought it "Oh, I heard that was a FUNNY Movie!!!" "Yeah, that Movie was FUNNY!!!" "Buying that DVD would be a COOL thing to do!!!" They did that while wearing masks to look like the Broken Lizard guys in "Super Troopers 2" People go in the Store to buy Toilet Paper and Deoderant and they see the hilarious guys from "Super Troopers 2" standing around saying positive things about the DVD of some Movie they have never heard of Starring Owen Wilson, Ed Helms, and Terry Bradshaw "Gee, maybe I'll pick that up! Terry Bradshaw was a Hockey Player, right? Was Ed Helms a Hockey Player? He might still be a Hockey Player, I don't know . . . " It might be more realistic if they didn't know Ed Helms by name "CLEAN UP ON AISLE FOUR!!!!!" Owen Wilson takes off his "Super Troopers 2" Mask and goes over to a Mop and Bucket "Uhhh . . . I'll be right back, guys."
Fareed Zacharia is in even more of a Tizzy than usual "What on Earth is going on here? I turn on CNN and people are sitting around saying nice things about BARBARA BUSH! I know that she died, did she die and come back to Life so the Stupid People have started a Stupid New Religon? I am APOPLECTIC! Look at my Face! Look at my Fareed Zacharia Face when I say the word 'APOPLECTIC'! My Eyeballs are a'buggin' with Marty Feldmen Majesty! I was going to do an Episode of my stupid CNN Show today about how it took everybody Thirty Years to finally catch on that Squeeze was a shitty Band but now I am forced to run Hither And Yon Eyeballs a'buggin' in search of Barbara Zombie Bush! BARBARA ZOMBIE BUSH!?! BARBARA ZOMBIE BUSH!?! Where is that ungodly She Beast?"
Hey, Fareed Zacharia! Say 'APOPLECTIC' again!"
"Oh, you like that? 'APOPLECTIC'!"
"THAT'S IT! First he puts down Squeeze and now 'AOPLECTIC' with Eyeballs a'buggin'! RELEASE THE BARBARA ZOMBIE BUSH SHE BEAST!!!!"
"That shit don't Work on Barbara Zombie Bush, Fareed Zacharia!"
Brian the George Costanze looking Dude is having a Bad Week End, too "Beware! Beware! If the Waffle House Naked Guy Gunman doesn't get you Barbara Zombie Bush will! I usually devote my stupid Sunday Show on CNN to strange hand gestures and dumb conspiracies but this Week End I am inside a Cardboard Box hiding from the Waffle House Naked Guy Gunman and Barbara Zombie Bush! SAVE ME, VAN JONES!!!!"
"I'm not going out there! Waffle House Naked Guy Gunman? Barbara Zombie Bush? I am staying RIGHT HERE!"
"Where are you?"
"Don't try to trick me into disclosing my location! Barbara Bush Zombie and Waffle House Naked Guy Gunman ON THE PROWL!!! Come on now, Little Costanza Looking Man, climb out of that Cardboard Box and deliver the strange hand gestures!"
"Is it safe?"
"We're putting on a PAUL SIMON CD!"
"Oh . . . Okay."
The Costanza Looking Guy pokes his head out of an Entemann's Chocalate cake box, looks around . . .
Lobsters1 puts on a Slayer CD, the Costanza Looking Guy's Head explodes like a Beached Whale's Eyeball after three days of lying in the Hot Sun . . .
ALL HAIL BARBARA ZOMBIE BUSH!!!!!!!!!
"What am I, Chopped Liver?"
"Drop Dead, Waffle House Naked Guy Gunman!"
WOW! They are so desperate not to talk about Trump getting the North Koreans to shut down their Nuclear Weapons Program they are pretending to give a shit about Barbara Bush passing away! What would they be carrying on about to avoid paying attention to an undeniable Success by the Trump Administration if Barbara Bush had not Died?
"We now continue CNN's round the clock coverage of 'Harry Anderson - America Remembers'!"
Wolf Blitzer : Gosh, remember all the times on "Night Court" when John Larroquette said something crass and Harry Anderson looked mildly annoyed?
The Ghost of Harry Anderson appears
Ghost Of Harry : Say, is it true that the North Koreans have shut down their Missille Testing Sites?
Wolf Blitzer : Sssshhh!
Jake Tapper : Harry Anderson's Annoyed Looks on "Night Court" were a major influence on my Annoyed Looks here on CNN!
Wolf Blitzer : Here is a Montage of Harry Anderson looking mildly annoyed at John Larroquette on "Night Court" . . .
John Larroquette : . . . she's got a GREAT RACK!!!!!
Harry Anderson looks mildly annoyed
John Larroquette : . . . want to see a Video of me and her in a Jacuzzi full of Yogurt?
Harry Anderson looks mildly annoyed
John Larroquette : . . . Or was it her TWIN SISTER?
Harry Anderson looks mildly annoyed
Barbara Bush is wheeled in on a gurney
Barbara Bush : I'm not feeling very good but I have just got to ask - Is it true that Donald Trump has ended the threat of Nuclear War with North Korea? I mean, "Dave's World" was a cute Show, but . . .
Wolf Blitzer : Oh, Barbara Bush! I HATE YOU!!
Jake Tapper : Here is the "I HATE YOU!!!" look I learned from Martin Mull on "Fernwood Tonight"!
Wolf Blitzer : You are looking at Barbara Bush just like Martin Mull looking at Jerry his retarded side kick!
Barbara Bush : That was a funny Show!
Wolf Blitzer : Aw, what do you know, Barbara Bush!?
Jake Tapper : I HATE YOU!!!
Rudy Guiliani has joined Donald Trump's legal team. Which is fine, unless Trump tells Guiliani to get up and make a Speech in front of a really big Crowd. Rudy Guiliani is The Most Reasonable Man In The World until he gets up to make a Speech in front of a really big Crowd. Being in front of a really big Crowd has the same effect on Rudy Guiliani that a Full Moon had on Lon Chaney Junior in "The Wolf Man". No, Rudy Guiliani doesn't get really hairy and run around killing People when he is front of a really big Crowd, he . . . God, it is too weird to even talk about. Maybe Rudy Guiliani Junior will get all hairy and run around killing People when he gets up in front of a really big Crowd. Anyway, Good Luck Working with Donald Trump, Rudy Guiliani! It will be GREAT!
Can we talk about the Heroin in Carrie Fisher's system yet?
ANOTHER SHOW BIZ CELEBRITY DEATH! R Lee Ermy, the Ugly Old Guy who won the Hearts of Millions of Ugly Old Guys in "Full Metal Jacket" (Everybody mumbles a bit pretending to like that Movie) and then went on to play dozens of other Ugly Old Guys in dozens of other Movies we at least aren't required to pretend to like, has died from complications of Ugly Old Guy Disease. No, that was just a Joke, Ermy died from Pneumonia. Lobsters1 doesn't make jokes about Pneumonia because he amost died from Pneumonia and has no Sense Of Humor about the experience. Don't want Lobsters1 to make mean Jokes about your Death? Die of Pneumonia. Right NOW. Let's get it over with. Lobsters1 has ten million other things not to do and has to get not making Jokes about you being Dead out of the way. Anyway, that was the Lobsters1 Blog Tribute to whoever we were talking about Lobsters1 got distracted by some crap on the Radio.
This may not be another Dead Celebrity thing, but W Kamau Bell sure LOOKS like he died a while ago. W Kamau Bell? He looks like W Kamau Smell. Did they find him sleeping on the sidewalk outside the CNN Building? He asked that Zucker Crud if he could help him out with something to eat and Zucker said "Uh, I don't have any change on me. How about a TV Show?" Lobsters1 isn't putting the guy down cause he's Black, we'll have to hose him down before we can see what color he is. He might be a Mexican guy that just climbed out of a Tunnel he dug across the Border. He looks like Don Lemon going to a Costume Party as Bob Dylan. But he IS Black so now Lobsters1 is in Trouble. What are you going to do? Make Lobsters1 watch W Kamau Bell's Show on CNN?
Chris Cuomo interviewed Kellyanne Conway on CNN the other Morning and she said that - "That should have been 'The other Morning Chris Cuomo interviewed Kellyanne -" Chris, I'm trying to do a Comedy Bit here and I don't need - "What you really need to do is leave the Comedy Bits to Stephen Colbert!" I'm not talking about Stephen Colbert, I'm - "Well, Stephen Colbert was talking about you and -" Oh, Stephen Colbert was not talking about me. That's - "How do you know what Stephen Colbert was talking about? Do you know Stephen Colbert?" Chris, that's just silly. I - "Do you know Stephen Colbert?" I've had enough of this. I - "Answer the question! Do you know Stephen Colbert?" No, I don't know Stephen Colbert. "Well, That settles THAT! Thanks for coming by, Lobsters1!"
Allyson Cameretta : That guy is an ASSHOLE!
Chris Cuomo : Big Time!
Allison Cammeretta : Can't even be bothered to get my name right!
Chris Cuomo : Let's watch that Kid Rock Interview you did on "Fox And Friends" a few years ago where you got pushy about his Divorce with Pamela Anderson and he clearly wanted to rip the snot out of your head!
Illosan Macceretta : That guy has the BEST WEED!
Lobsters1 : Are you finished? I'm tired of typing.
Eugene : Did you see "The Walking Dead" Sunday Night? I turned out to be a Good Guy after all!
Whatever happened to that Dave Matthews guy? Just a few Years ago it was Dave Matthews this and Dave Matthews that - It was TERRIBLE! How did we finally get rid of him? Bob Mueller, right? The Government got Bob Mueller to do a big Investigation into Dave Matthews and, even though it took a long time and was really confusing, eventually Bob Mueller - The Greatest Man In America! - concluded his Investigation and - BOOM!!! - No more Dave Matthews!!!!
YAY, BOB MUELLER!!!! YAY!!!
That guy over there - THAT GUY! - didn't seem very enthusiastic about his "YAY, BOB MUELLER!!!! YAY!!!!" Get his name . . .
Harry Anderson, the Star of "Night Court", "Dave's World", and "Cheers" has died. Everybody wanted to make it with the Actress that played his Wife on "Dave's World". Otherwise . . . What else is there? Uh . . . He kind of looked like the guy that played Bass in R.E.M. How did he die? "THE GUY THAT PLAYED BASS IN R.E.M. DIED!?!" Oh, no, no, no! Some other guy died. "Oh, okay." Yeah.
HARRY ANDERSON 1953 - 2018
"Everybody Wanted To Make It With The Actress That Played His Wife"
Lobsters1 was offered a lot of Money to Ghost Write that James Comey Book but after two minutes of talking to The World's Tallest Little Bitch he asked Comey to make a Loyalty Pledge and started yelling "ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM! ONE SCOPP FOR COMEY! TWO SCOOPS FOR ME! NO SCOOPS FOR COMEY! THREE SCOOPS FOR MEEEE!!!" After that Lobsters1 told him a Joke about Samantha Bee making so many Russian Hooker Jokes she ought to change her name to Samantha Pee, Comey turned Green around the Gills, and the Cleaning Lady fell in Love with him. You know, because when Comey turns Green around the Gills he looks like the Sexy Fishman in "The Shape Of Water". Eh, shoulda went with the Jolly Green Giant Jokes. Hey, Comey, can Lobsters1 Write the Script for the Movie version of your Book? We'll get David Hogg to play you as a Teenager. Is David Hogg still Box Office? Is David Hogg still a Teenager? Is that Bald Girl still Bald? Hey, you think Six and a Half Minutes of Silence is a Big Deal you should have been there when I did Ten Minutes of my old Stand Up Act. Oh, have I gotten distracted? Wow, bombing Syria worked after all! You know, because bombing Syria was supposed to be a distraction from the Comey Book. Has anybody made a "Weapons Of Mass Distraction" Joke yet? Hey, where the fuck is my Ice Cream?!?
Comeys Book says Trump did not have the appropriate response to the Rumor about the Russian Hookers . . . Eh, you know. What is the President supposed to say when he hears about such a thing? "President Lincoln! John Wilkes Booth is doing a One Man Show about you in a Baltimore Whorehouse!!!" "Uh . . . A House divided against itself cannot stand?" "Didn't you already say that?" "Give me a break, man. My Wife has got Piranhas swimming around inside her head!" "Uh . . . Yeah." "How about 'A Whorehouse divided against itself cannot stand'?" "Yeah, that's great. I'll see you later." "You're going to sell that line to John Wilkes Booth so he can use it in his Show, aren't you?" "SCREW THAT GUY! I'm gonna get a job Writing for Johnny Carson!" "Johnny Carson wasn't THAT long ago! That's silly!" "I Love you, Abraham Lincoln but . . . Wow. Just Wow." "HUH?" "That's gonna be really big One Hundred And Fifty Years from now." "Would it help if I grew a beard?" "SHUT UP, COMEY!!!"
Hey, it's SUNDAY! You know what that means "We can't watch the News without stupid sketches they did on 'Saturday Night Live' a few hours ago getting shoved down our throats?" No, it means the stupid guy on CNN that looks like George on "Seinfeld" gets to do his own Show! Boy, has that guy being on CNN ruined George Costanza's Life! NO SOUP FOR YOU! YOU SUGGEST DONALD TRUMP UNFIT FOR OFFICE!! NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" George's Father was getting so much grief because of the crap people mistakenly thought his Son was saying on CNN he abandoned the Costanzas and went into hiding with a completely different Family in Queens. You know, like on "The King Of Queens". Lobsters1 need to put some more effort into this bit. Screw that, it's SUNDAY!
Lobsters1 drinks some Coffee, puts on a Dead Boys CD, Writes a little more . . .
Kramer, meanwhile, figured out that stupid guy's CNN Employee ID Code (BOSCO) and can sneak into the CNN Building any time he wants. Chris Cuomo traipsed into the Studio one morning and found that Kramer had covered it Wall To Wall from Ceiling to Floor with Wood Paneling. These "Seinfeld" references are getting kind of tedious. Why couldn't CNN hire some guy that looks like Simon on "The Walking Dead"? Shit, just hire the guy that played Simon on "The Walking Dead". He's in Show Business, he's gotta be as full of it as anybody at CNN.
And why didn't they show sketches from "MAD TV" on the News every Sunday?
That's enough Coffee. Lobsters1 needs another Dead Boys CD. Lords Of The New Church? Nah.
The News Media is suggesting that President Trump's Military Action Friday Night was a "Wag The Dog" thing to divert the Public's attention from his legal troubles. The Media is so determined to keep the American People entirely focused on getting Trump out of Office there has been a Complete and Total News Black Out on the Giant Radioactive Maggot Monster that is destroying Miami right now "A Giant Radioactive Maggot Monster? We don't have Time for that!" said the Four Eyed Bald Headed piece of crap that runs CNN "So what if three million people got killed Saturday Morning and the entire population of Florida will be dead by Monday? We have to get everybody ready to run out into the Street and throw bricks at Cops when Trump finally fires Mueller! WHAT!?! A SECOND Giant Radioactive Maggot Monster is attacking New Orleans? Sssshhh . . . Don't talk about it! We've almost got everybody believing the Story about Trump and the Peeing Russian Hookers!"
WAIT A MINUTE!!!!! JOE SCARBOROUGH ISN'T PLAYING AT COACHELLA THIS WEEK END!?! Lobsters1 is out here in the Desert for NOTHING? "Now you know how it feels to be an Iraq War Veteran!" Shut the fuck up, Bill Maher! If you think Coachella is terrible the VIP Tent at Coachella is like an Episode of "Coach" with "ella" instead of Jerry Van Dyke. Oh, St. Vincent is playing but no Joe? BIG DEAL! A skinny chick playing guitar and looking awkward and uncomfortable! Then someone informed Lobsters1 that St. Vincent is a LESBIAN with Glamorous Celebrity Girlfriends and he was instantly overwhelmed by the Power of her Revolutionary Music and its Profound Message of Spiritual Fulmonastication. Meanwhile St. Vincent was still playing guitar and looking awkward and uncomfortable. WE WANT JOE SCARBOROUGH!!!! Man, if Joe had been making Records Thirty Years Ago John Cougar would be on MSNBC Hosting "Morning Joe" and that Mika would have to do actual Show Prep to keep her job. Or maybe she'd just play guitar and look awkward and uncomfortable. Nah, she'd just play Bass. If John Cougar was on "Morning Joe" it would be "Morning Cougar". Nah, you'd think the "Cougar" was about Mika and you'd get sick. "I think it would be HOT!" Shut up, St. Vincent!
LOBSTERS1 FELT GOOD ENOUGH THIS MORNING TO WRITE A COMEDY BIT!!!
Why didn't they hire Al Roker to play Nagen on "The Walking Dead"? Or is that guy's name "Negan? Who knows? The guy is so silly every time Lobsters1 sees him he thinks "That guy should be played by Al Roker" Better yet, instead of Al Roker playing Nagen, Al Roker should just play himself as the Psycho Warlord of the Zombie Apocolypse. That would be just Lobsters1's Luck - Years of Struggle to Survive in a Nightmare World in which The Dead have returned to Eat The Living and the Supreme Ruler of those Still Standing is The Fat Weather Man On "The Today Show" "Yeah, it figures."
Lobsters1 should keep taking those Meds, huh?
Didn't those idiots at CNN saysay Chris Cuomo was going to start doing a Prime Time Show? Why is that Mook still on in the Morning? First Lobsters1 was The Only Person In America to notice Kelly Ripa scraping stuff out from underneath her fingernails and flicking it onto the floor on Live Television and now Chris Cuomo is swinging from vines and picking fleas off of School Shooting Survivors Morning, Noon, And Night! So what if Gloria Vanderbilt is his Mom? Get him outta here!
Although in Cuomo's defense, Wolf Blitzer can't peel bananas with his feet.
The Trump Administration is concerned that Tapes Michael Cohen has supposedly recorded might have been siezed during the FBI raids on -
"Tapes!?! Tapes!?! Did someone say 'Tapes'!?! Tapes!?!"
Carl Bernstein staggers into the CNN Studio stuffing a can of Beer into his pocket, trips over a pile of advance copies of the Comey's Book, and lands on top of Brooke Baldwin.
"Tapes!?! We used to talk about Tapes all the time during the Watergate investigation!"
"GET THIS OLD PIECE OF CRAP OFF OF ME!!!!"
"Sorry, Lady! Put me on TV so I can talk about Tapes and how this is just like Watergate!"
"HE'S STILL ON TOP OF ME!!!"
"Here's some Tape Technical Talk I have picked up since Watergate - 'Betamax'! 'VHF'!!"
"You have to get off of Brooke, Mister Wood . . . Bernstein."
"That's okay. I'm kind of liking it."
"Be kind! Rewind!"
Sorry, everybody, but Lobsters1 has been so sick from getting Food Poisoning from that Mexican Resteraunt that he hasn't been able to Write anything for his Blog. But there will be new stuff just as soon as . . . Uh, hold on a Minute . . . (Shouting from Bathroom) THERE WON"T BE ANY NEW STUFF FOR A WHILE!!!!!!
Lobsters1, I heard around the Office that you have been very sick from Food Poisoning all Week! Serves you right, Lobsters1! Here is what you should do to feel better - Go climb a really tall Tree and then jump from the very Top! Ha Ha Ha! BAZINGA! Seriously, Lobsters1, I have the deepest disdain for you.
I saw that scary guy on CNN laughing about how sick you've been and sent your Favorite Picture of Me to look at while falling from the Top of that Tree and crashing into the Ground. I find the idea of you looking at this Picture of Me during the Final Seconds of your Life to be very EXCITING so . . . No, I told that scary guy on CNN I wanted Fifty Thousand Dollars to scam that idiot into falling out of a Tree, now he wants to pay Twenty Five Thousand? How do I get my Picture back from Lobsters1? Go bother that "Big Bang Theory" girl with your crazy shit!
Oh! Oh! That War of Wits between Sean Hannitty and Jimmy Kimmell! It's TOO MUCH to keep up with! It's like Oscar Wilde and Flo from the Insurance Commercials putting on Gorilla Suits and bashing each other with dead Leprechauns! If only Hannitty and Kimmell could travel back in Time to the Glory Days of the Algonquin Round Table! Somebody remind them what shape a "round" table is. Eh, just tell em it's the Algonquin Pizza Table. Cover the table with melted cheese and pepparoni. They'll know what's going on! Are Oscar Wilde and Flo still beating the Hell out of each other with the dead Leprechauns? I bet those Leprechauns were a Laff Riot on Leprechaun Twitter before they died. Send the dead Leprechauns back in Time to the Algonquin Round Table, see what Hannitty and Kimmell come up with em. There was no Twitter in the Days of the Algonquin Round Table, good thing we send em the dead Leprechauns. Uh Oh! Turns out that when you run a dead Leprechaun through a Time Machine it turns into a Horrible Monster and eats New York. Did they eat Hannitty and Kimmell? Well, at least SOME GOOD came out of it. Let's get to Work on destroying LA.
Lobsters1 found a System Of A Down CD under his bed. Now he knows why he hasn't been able to sleep for the past Three Years. And then he got Food Poisoned by the Mexican Resteraunt! Listening to System Of A Down while suffering from Food Poisoning is quite an experience. Lobsters1 is a Bad Ass like you have never seen before and had to accentuate suffering from System Of A Down while listening to Food Poisoning by watching an Amy Schumer Stand Up Special. He was making arrangements to suffer from Amy Schumer while watching a Food Poisoning Stand Up Special and gettin' down to that System Of A Down sound in battle torn Syria. But then the Food Poisoning settled down a little bit and looking at Amy Schumer while listening to System Of A Down got to be kind of a Turn On. So that settles it - Food Poisoning is Good for you.
In the Seventies every Rock Band looked exactly like every other Rock Band. Humble Pie looked exactly like Badfinger, Foghat looked exactly like Grand Funk, and they were all constantly begging to be on the cover of Rolling Stone. So they put a picture of a few guys in a Drug Rehab Clinic on the cover of Rolling Stone, called every Band in the Business on the phone, and and told em that they were on the cover that Week. And it fooled everybody. The only guy to notice the difference was Peter Frampton who was in Humble Pie. So to keep him quiet they gave him his own Record Contract and put him on the cover of Rolling Stone all by himself. "It's so lonely being on the cover by myself!" "Do you want us to put the other guys from Humble Pie on the cover with you?" "No, no one will be able know which one is me! People will be in the Record Store going 'Oh, look! It's 'Bad Company Comes Alive' or it's 'Deep Purple Comes Alive'! I am so confused!" "Give us a break from the accent. You're making us sick."
Let's do another thing about "The Brady Bunch"! Emails are pouring in like former "Brady Bunch" Cast Members into the Welfare Office! "Hey, Lobsters1, do another 'Brady Bunch' bit and maybe they'll bring the Show back and I can get a regular Pay Check again!" That's one from the chick that played Jan Brady. She used the Computer at the Public Library to send that Email. Here's another one I Wrote while listening to Heavy Metal Devil Worship Music so it would be Super Extra Awful - "Hey, Lobsters1, do a Joke about me in your piece of crap Blog and I'll punch your face in! YEAH!" Uh . . . That was from the guy that played Peter. Remember when he was on an MTV Reality Show and he met a really cute Model and they got MARRIED? Gee, was she a BABE or what? "Yeah, well, we BROKE UP so if you do any jokes about it I'll punch your face in! YEAH!!!" Well, you can't be bummed out about the Divorce Settlement. I mean, Fifty Percent of Nothing is - OW!!! YOU PUNCHED MY FACE IN!!! "You never should have took it out!" Lobsters1 should have known better than to mess with the most interesting of the Brady Kids. "What about Marsha?" Well, there is "interesting" and there is - "DON'T WRITE ABOUT THAT!!!!!" Yeah, you're right.
Sheesh, if the ghouls that run CNN are sick enough to in to inflict Jake Tapper's shabby Cartoons on us how long until they make us watch Fareed Zakaria's Street Mime act? "I am walking against the wind! That is why I am moving in this manner! I am walking against the wind!" "Uh . . . You're not supposed to talk while doing Pantomime, Fareed." "Shut up and draw your pathetic Cartoons, Jake Tapper!" "Look at this, Fareed!" "Wha . . . You have drawn a Cartoon of me dressed up like Queen Latifah on the beloved Nineteen Nineties Sit Com 'Living Single'!" "Actually, it's Michelle Obama as Cedric The Entertainer." "You may be onto something with that, Jake Tapper." "Really?" "No, I just want you to put it onto Television so every one will finally see what a dumb ass you really are." "I'm a dumb ass? Am I the one on Cable Television pretending to walk against the wind in a Baby Blue Leotard and Clown Make Up?" And they go on and on like that until CNN gives David Hogg an Anthony Bourdain style Show in which he eats at the Cafeterias of all the Schools that have had a Mass Shooting "That Sloppy Joe was DISGUSTING!!"
Speaking of "The Brady Bunch" . . . What else can we talk about these days without offending some shitbreath and losing all our sponsors? "You don't have any sponsors!" SHUT UP! Hey, did you know that before Jeff Sessions was the Trump Administration's Secretary Of Being A Gibbering Old Fool he played Bobby Brady on "The Brady Bunch"? IT'S TRUE!!! "Playing Bobby on 'The Brady Bunch' was good Training for my Career as a Gibbering Old Fool in Washington DC!" Al Franken drops a Water Balloon out of a Zeppelin so it hits Jeff Sessions on the head "I can do that because I am not a Senator anymore." "Are you finished cleaning out my Zeppelin, Al?" asks Hillary Clinton. UH OH! Let's get back to "The Brady Bunch"! "I played Marsha on that Show!" In your Dreams, Hillary Clinton.! In your Shattered Dreams!
Elton John has just started a three year Farewell Tour. Rod Stewart has accused Elton John of calling it a "Farewell" Tour just to sell Tickets "Yeah, and he's playing MUSIC, too! He'll do ANYTHING to sell Tickets! He's got a PIANO up there and everything! Ooooooh, a FAREWELL Tour with a PIANO and MUSIC!?! He's so desperate to sell Tickets he's even got a DRUMMER! Can you believe that? Some guy sitting up there on stage banging on DRUMS with a pair of DRUMSTICKS!!! Elton John will do ANYTHING to sell a Ticket! He's got hundreds and hundreds of SEATS all over the place so everybody will everybody will have place to sit while he's up there with his Piano and Drummer! Of course you're going to sell Tickets when you've got a Piano and a Drummer and a nice comfortable chair for everybody who shows up! Oh, and I forget the 'Farewell' thing . . . But I've got GREAT HAIR! Look at my HAIR!" "You've got GREAT HAIR, Rod Stewart!" "That's right, David Lee Roth! I've got GREAT HAIR!" "You sure do! Uh . . . You know that it's FRiday, right?" "Oh, yeah, David Lee Roth, it's Friday. Here's Five Hundred Dollars." That's what David Lee Roth does for a Living these days - He tells Rod Stewart what GREAT HAIR he has. Is this Bit over? Good.
Kids today are messed up. But it's not their fault! Remember back in the Seventies when we all got the notion that Keith Richards was The Coolest Guy In The World? These Poor Kids today grew up in a World full of adult men trying to be just like KEITH RICHARDS! They are so confused that now they've got the notion that Jerry Ohrbach on "Law And Order" is The Coolest Guy In The Word! The damn fools are trying to be just like Jerry Ohrbach after years of . . . Oh! I gotta go get wasted with a guy who thinks Mick Jagger is The Coolest Guy In The World, a guy who thinks Ron Wood is The Coolest Guy In The World, a guy who thinks Bill Wyman is The Coolest Guy In The World, and a guy who thinks Yosemite Sam is The Funniest Character in The Warner Brothers Looney Tunes. The Yosemite Sam guy has the Coke!
All of a sudden it's TIFFANY HADDISH!!! NOTHING BUT TIFFANY HADDISH!!! NONSTOP TIFFANY HADDISH!!! Are you talking about President Trump? DON'T!!! TALK ABOUT TIFFANY HADDISH!!! NOTHING BUT TIFFANY HADDISH!!! NONSTOP TIFFANY HADDISH!!! ROUND THE CLOCK TIFFANY HADDISH!!!
Lobsters1 just got an E Mail commanding him to change the Names of everybody on the Blog to "Tiffany Haddish". That bit about Keith Richards has to be changed to a bit about Tiffany Haddish. That bit about Elton John and Rod Stewart has to be changed to a bit about Tiffany Haddish and Tiffany Haddish.
FORGET THE NAMES YOU HAVE GIVEN YOUR CHILDREN!! FROM NOW ON THEY ARE NAMED TIFFANNY HADDISH!!! YOU ARE TIFFANY HADDISH!!! WE ARE TIFFANY HADDISH!!!
Thank You for reading The Haddish1 Blog.
And Now It's Time For Sixty Seconds With Michael Rapaport . . .
"Yo! Rapaport in Da House! You know what I'm sayin'? In Yo' Face! Droppin' Science! Brooklyn! Word up! Uh . . . Hold on . . . Whew! Gotta catch my breath . . . Say, nice chair! Where did you . . . HEY! Michael Rapaport don't give a shit 'bout no CHAIRS!! RAPAPORT ON DA COURT!!! Defense! Passing! Nike! ESPN! Brooklyn! . . Whew!"
Sixty Seconds With Michael Rapaport!
"I'm takin next Week off, yo?"
Shut up with that 'yo' shit.
Hey, Mike, you want to hear the new Theme Song for the Conan O'Brien Show?
Michael Jackson Sings - "I always feel like nobody's watching me!"
"That is COLD!!"
I have no idea what that means. Get your dumb ass out of here.
Lobsters1 wants to be an Oligarch! He has no idea what an Oligarch is but is sounds COOL! Do we have Oligarcs here in America? Where do you go to get an Oligarch job? Can you go to Oligarch School? Look up the Local Community College, sign up for a few Oligarch Courses. But until then just go to Wal Mart and get your self an Oligarch Hat! "Hey, look at me! I'm an OLIGARCH!!! Don't mess with me!!"
A FUN LOBSTERS1 ACTIVITY THAT YOU CAN DO!!!
Want Every One To Think You Are A FUN GUY? Reenacting Charles Grodin's Best Moments in "The Heartbreak Kid" is THE THING TO DO! People Love when Lobsters1 reenacts Charles Grodin's Best Moments in "The Heartbreak Kid" and now YOU CAN, TOO! Just ask People at Work or at Parties if they have ever seen "The Heartbreak Kid" Starring Charles Grodin and reenact Charles Grodin's Best Moments from that Movie while they look on with Awe and Admiration. A GREAT WAY TO MEET GIRLS!!! Haven't seen "The Heartbreak Kid" Starring Charles Grodin? WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!? Get a DVD of that Masterpiece and study it until you stand up, look out the window, and Declare "I am ready to reenact Charles Grodin's Best Moments in 'The Heartbreak Kid'!!" You will hear Trumpets.
Oh, if you ask people if they have seen "The Heartbreak Kid" and they start talking about the remake with Ben Stiller . . . Find some one else to talk to.
Just found out that Cheap Trick, perhaps the Best Band Of All Time, will be Touring this Summer with Poison, perhaps the Worst Band Of All Time. But I don't want to bum Poison out. The Rolling Stones are perhaps The Best Band Of All Time - Hell, Yeah! Let's Bum Em Out!!! But when discussing The Worst Band Of All Time you need to practice Kindness and Compassion. Jesus desn't like Poison but he can put up with it when one of their Songs comes on the Radio. But then some lousy Stones Song comes on the Radio and Jesus gets all "'Start Me Up'? I HATE THAT CRAP!!!" "Jesus . . . " "Oh, okay . . . " Jammin' with Jesus is a TRIP!!! That woud be a good Morning Radio Show - "Jammin' With Jesus" Somebody Write that down. But who is Opening on this Cheap Trick - Poison Tour? Cheap Trick can't Open for Poison - THAT WOULD AWFUL! But remember when Cheap Trick Toured with Joan Jett and Heart after they were all inducted into the Rock N' Roll Hall Of Fame and we found out that Cheap Trick was Opening? Jesus was all "I Died on the Cross so Cheap Trick would be stuck opening for Joan Jett and Heart!?! CRAP!!!" "Jesus . . . " "Oh, okay . . . "
BAD NEWS FOR BONZO
There won't be any new Comedy Bits on The Lobsters1 Blog Tuesday and Wednesday because . . .
(Cheering, Fireworks, Marching Band Music)
CROWD CHANTING : THERE WON'T BE ANY NEW COMEDY BITS!!! THERE WON'T BE ANY NEW COMEDY BITS!!! THERE WON'T BE ANY NEW COMEDY BITS!!!
Hey! Lobsters1's Mom is SICK!!! He has to go Visit her Tuesday and Wednesday!!
"What? There won't be any new Comedy Bits on the Blog because his Mom is sick?"
(Cheering, Fireworks, Marching Band Music)
CROWD CHANTING : LOBSTERS1'S MOM IS SICK!!! LOBSTERS1'S MOM IS SICK!!! LOBSTERS1'S MOM IS SICK!!!!
David Hogg : That is disgusting!
Donny Deutsch : Animals!
David Hogg : Shut the fuck up, Donny Deutsch!
(Cheering, Fireworks, Marching Band Music)
CROWD CHANTING : SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY DEUTSCH!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY DEUTSCH!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY DEUTSCH!!!!
Donny Deutsch : Tell your Mom I hope she feels better.
Lobsters1's Mom : Thank you, Donny Deutsch!
David Hogg : Well, that fucking ruined EVERYTHING!
So, what is this Week's Episode of "The Devil Is A Sissy" Comedy Pod Cast about? Lobsters1 has about Two Hundred "The Devil Is A Sissy" Episodes piled up indide his Hard Drive with about Two Million Pictures of Bai Ling and once Lobsters1 stops looking at all those Pictures of Bai Ling long enough to figure out which Episode of the . . . What was the Name of that Pod Cast again? Oh, by the way, what is the Name of that horrible Vampire Movie Bai Ling is in where where she walks up the Stairs with the Camera at the Bottom of the Stairs so we can all look at her butt? Boy, that is . . . Anyway, Lobsters1 is going to figure out what Episode of . . . Oh! . . . "The Devil Is A Sissy" is going to be Posted this Thursday at www.thedevilisasissy.com . But FIRST it's Time to Watch "EDMOND"!!! Have you seen Bai Ling in "Edmond"!?! Lobsters1 has a great big pile of Spiral Notebooks full of "Edmond" Jokes. Everybody hurry the Hell up and see "Edmond" so then everybody will be able to get all those "Edmond" Jokes and . . . Why isn't that dumb bastard doing "Star Trek" and "Star Wars" Jokes like all of those guys making a fortune Comedy Writing in LA? What a DOPE!
UH OH! It's Time to Write another Article for Acid Logic, the Web Zine that probably should have been called a Net Zine. What is this Month's Article going to be about? Jerry Lewis, right? WHEN THE HELL IS LOBSTERS1 GOING TO GET TO WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT JERRY LEWIS FOR ACID LOGIC!?! Lobsters1 pitches an Article about Jerry Lewis to Acid Logic and all of those goofy little guys on "The Big Bang Theory" climb out of the TV set and beat the crap out of him. Maybe Lobsters1 ought to stop watching "The Big Bang Theory" to stare at that Blonde for Day On End and try getting a litte Sleep. A Man that hallucinates "Big Bang Theory" Cast Members climbing out of the TV Set to beat the crap out of him! Would you want to read a Web Zine Article about Jerry Lewis Written by such a person? How about a Net Zine Article about Jerry Lewis? How long will Lobsters1 have to watch "The Big Bang Theory" until that Blonde climbs out of the TV Set to . . . Wow. But anyway, Lobsters1 will be busy Writing that Article whatever it finally turns out to be about so there may not be as much Comedy Material here at The Lobsters1 Blog as usual for a while "Yeah, okay . . . " So if there is not as much Comedy Stuff around here as there usually is . . . "It's no Big Deal . . . " Maybe I can find a few Bits in that other Notebook that I can . . . "Hey, don't worry about it . . . " Maybe I'll take a break from Writing for Acid Logic this Month . . . "Whatever, do what you want . . . " YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO CASUAL ABOUT IT!!! "Man, I'm not even sure what you're talking about . . . " I'm . . . I . . . AW, CRAP!!!
OH, MAN! You heard about that kid who got killed at a Water Park in Kansas? The first thing that Lobsters1 thought when he heard about that was Napoleon in that Water Park in that Harold And Kumar Movie. Remember what a Good Time Napoleon had at that Water Park in that Harold And Kumar Movie? OH, MAN! What if Napoleon had gotten killed at that WAter Park in Kansas?! You think people are freaked out over some kid getting killed at some Water Park in Kansas, can you imagine the uproar if NAPOLEON got killed at the place? LAWD HAVE MUSSY!!! What? Napoleon didn't go to a Water Park in a Harold And Kumar Movie? YES, HE DID!!! Napoleon went to . . What? A Bill And Ted Movie? No, No, No, it was ABRAHAM LINCOLN who went to a Water Park in a Bill And Ted Movie! Napoleon went to a Water Park in a Harold And Kumar Movie! The kid in Kansas? That kid should have went to a Water Park in a Comedy Movie Starring whatever lovable Comedy Duo the kids think is Funny today. Lobsters1 has no idea who the Hell kids are laughing at today. Lobsters1 doesn't follow that shit, but if that kid had gone to a Water Park in a Comedy Movie instead of a Water Park in Kansas he would have had a really Good Time like Napoleon in that Harold And Kumar Movie and Abraham Lincoln in that Bill And Ted Movie. and we wouldn't have to hear about him on the News all the goddam time. What about Jay And Silent Bob? Is that bullshit still going on? Why didn't Jay And Silent Bob take the kid to the Water Park? IT'S ALL JAY AND SILENT BOB'S FAULT!!! Jay And Silent Bob have really dropped the ball on this one. Have the dead kid's Family sue those guys!
Today The Lobsters1 Blog Is Brought To You By Dippitty Doo Do Nuts!
"Doctor! There's something terribly wrong with my HANDS!"
"You Hands, eh? Let me see . . . One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, and Ten . . . You haven't lost any fingers messing around with that Band Saw."
"Doctor, it's my FINGERS! They're all . . . "
"Maybe if you turned off that stupid Band Saw I could here what you're saying."
"Oh . . . Doctor, My Hands . . . "
"No, no . . . The Song goes 'Doctor my EYES . . .' "
"No, Doctor, it's my Hands . . . "
"Oh! You've come down with a case of 'Dippitty Doo Do Nut Fingers'!"
"'Dippitty Doo Do Nut Fingers'?"
"Yes, you have been eating Dippitty Doo Do Nuts and now your fingers are all sticky and stuck up with all that Dippitty Doo Deliciousness!"
"Well, I'll be!"
"You'll be in the Bathroom washing your Hands and then you will be Writing out a Check to me for Eight Hundred Dollars."
"Eight Hundred Dollars!?!"
"Make sure you wash all that Dippitty Doo Delight of your fingers before you Write that Check. The last time I made a Bank Deposit the Teller thought it was a Jelly Do Nut with Sprinkles and tried to eat it!"
"I can't hear you, Doc! I'm in the Bathroom washing my Hands!"
"Stupid Teller choked on the Check! I would have performed the Heinlich Maneuver but Heimlich was in the Bathroom washing his Hands!"
"Excuse me, guys, but is this Commercial for Dippitty Doo Donuts almost eovr?"
"Wow, you've got a good voice! You ought to be an Announcer on Commercials!"
"His voice is so good I can hear him over here in the Bathroom!"
"DIPPITTY DOO DO NUTS! Our Do Nuts are so good you will have the most delicious Fingers in Town!"
"That's kind of a gross slogan."
"So go wash your Hands in the place across the Street!"
"Oh, okay . . . "
"DIPPITTY DOO DO NUTS! Our Do Nuts are so good. . . "
"I can still hear you!"
"Of course you can! I'm on the Radio! You can hear me all over Town!"
"Well, why don't you shut up and play a Record?"
"And now here's 'The Joker' by Steve Miller, brought to you by Dippitty Doo Do Nuts!"
"Some people call me the Space Cowboy . . . "
"Oh, Geez . . . "
"Try turning the Band Saw on again!"
"Some people call me Maurice . . . "
"Try turning on the Band Saw and that other Band Saw right over there! That Record SUCKS!"
"So the Commercial for Dippitty Doo Do Nuts is over, right?"
"Just as soon as they explain why they've got a couple of Band Saws in a Do Nut Place."
"We use em to cut the Holes in the Do Nuts!"
"You've got a good voice!"
"Thank You! That's why I'm a Announcer in Commercials!"
"I was talking to Steve Miller."
"Don't bother me, I'm right in the middle of a Song! I'm a Lover and I'm a Sinner!"
"You aren't playing Guitar very well."
"My Fingers are messed up."
"You might want to see a Doctor about that."
They think North Korean Dictator Dude Kim Jung-un was in Red China cause the saw his Train Chug Chug Chuggin' around all "Toot Toot!" and shit. Man, you will know Rocket Man is in Town when one of his Hydrogen Bombs goes off and incinerates yo' ass! KABOOM!!! "Hey, it's Kim Jung-un!" "Hi , incinerated American douche!" "Uncool, man! Very Uncool!" "When you get to 'Dead' part of 'incinerated', awready?" "Oh, sorry." Turns out that Train Trip to Bejing was Dennis Rodman having too many Jugs of North Korean Rockt Fuel and "Hey, look at me! I'm Buster Keaton in 'The General'!" "Uh . . . Dennis don't you know that Buster Keaton played a Southerner during the Civil War in 'The General'?" "Hey, man, my Number One Party Partner is Kim Jung-un! If I was in Civil War days I'd be drinkin' em all with Stonewall! Stonewall Jackson!" Dennis Rodman sticks his face in an imaginary camera lens "I am a REBEL!" "You don't have a Show on MTV anymore, Dennis." "Yeah, but I got a CHOO CHOO!!!!" Chug Chug, My embarassing Friend! Chug Chug! "Hey, I got a Gag Writing Job for the Marx Brothers!" "Get outta here here, Buster Keaton! You're a disgrace!"
"Hi, I'm George Takai!"
Don't worry, Folks, we're not going to make any Jokes about how he is gay.
"You may remember me as Sulu, the Asian guy from 'Star Trek' . . . "
Uh Oh! Lobsters1 just thought of a really funny Joke about how George is gay! But we won't use it!
" . . . and you probably remember me in John Wayne's 'The Green Beret' . . . "
Just knocked out three more 'George Is Gay' Jokes. And they are REALLY funny! But they won't appear any where in this Blog! Promise!
"Oh? You don't remember me in 'The Green Beret'? Swear to God! I was in 'The Green Beret' with John Wayne!"
Oh, man! Lobsters1 just Wrote Three and a half pages of REALLY FUNNY STUFF about George being gay! KILLER BOFFO SHIT!!!!
"What? No! I did not play the cute little Vietnamese By that Jim Hutton adopts and John Wayne promises to take care of after Jim Hutton gets killed in that Viet Cong Booby Trap and . . . Jesus Christ! What a Movie!"
It looks like Lobsters1 is going to Write a Book about George Takai being gay. It will never be Published but when you Write Four Hundred Pages of hilarious Comedy Routines about the Asian Guy on "Star Trek" being gay you've Written a Four Hundred Page Book about the Asian Guy on "Star Trek" being gay. What the hell . . .
"Okay! Forget 'The Green Beret'! How about when I was in that Jerry Lewis Movie 'The Big Mouth'? Huh? Remember me in that Jerry Lewis Movie 'The Big Mouth'?"
Shit! Why couldn't Lobsters1 come up with Four Hundred Pages of Hilarious Comedy Bits about Donald Trump? That would have made a FORTUNE! But NOOOOOO, it had to be Four Hundred Pages about . . . AW, SHIT!!!
"No, that wasn't Bruce Lee in 'Enter The Dragon'! That was ME, George Takai! I'm a Martial Arts Expert! Really! I can . . . AW, SHIT!!!"
Lobsters1 was supposed to Write some funny stuff for the Blog but was kind of depressed and decided to Write a Critical Analysis of Jerry Lewis' "The Big Mouth" instead. Perhaps the most important thing about "The Big Mouth" is that it Presents the Motion Picture Debut of Charlie Callas, the American Comedy Genius most remembered for breaking into a spirited rendition of the Eighties Pop Hit "The Kommissar's In Town" duting a Performance on "The Tonight Show"" "Don't turn around! Uh Oh Oh! The Kommissar's In Town! Uh Oh Oh!" Callas Sang and at last America had a Voice to . . . No, Lobsters1 isn't screwing around here, "The Big Mouth" and Charlie Callas are Hug Influences on The Lobsters1 Blog and The Devil Is A Sissy Comedy Podcast. What? No, there isn't anything about "The Big Mouth" or Charlie Callas on The Devil Is A Sissy Comedy Pod Cast. Oh, that's www.thedevilisasissy.com Yeah. Wait, don't go to www.thedevilisasissy.com just yet, Lobsters1 isn't finished Blogging about "The Big Mouth" or Charlie . . . Oh, CRAP!
Is it possible to have a serious discussion of "The Big Mouth" without referring to Tom Green's "Freddie Got Fingered"? "Freddie Got Fingered", Tom Green's Directorial Debut, is chiefly significant for -
Three large frightening Men burst in and beat Lobsters1 to Death
We apologise for this interruption in The Lobsters1 Blog. The Blog will continue in just a few Minutes after the Corpse of Lobsters1 has been reanimated by a Voo Doo Witch Doctor who is driving in from New Orleans.
Loud Drums, yelling about how the Saints will be in next Year's Super Bowl "Fo' Sho'!"
"Okay, Stop Drumming! Stop Drumming! I'm not Dead anymore! Wha? Why am I the one that has to give that guy gas money to drive back to New Orleans? Did I ask anybody to bring me back from the Dead? I was THIS close to getting some ass off of Natalie Wood!"
The three large frightening men burst back in and beat Lobsters1 back to Death
"What? Natalie Wood went off with Tom Petty? THAT GODDAM TOM PETTY!!!"
Oh My Gawd!!! Lobsters1 just found out that kids are spraying Raid on Tobacco and Pot , smoking it, and DYING! YOU DUMB DEAD DICKWEEDS!! Don't you know that Smoking will kill you? You're supposed to spray Raid on BREAKFAST CEREAL and EAT it! It's an EDIBLES thing! Lobsters1 just ate some Rice Krispies with Raid and . . . Ooooohhhh! Put on some Seals And Croft! Summer Breeze make me feel fine, Don't mess with me I got Jasmine in my Mind!Uh Oh! The Telephone is Ringing! I always say that like Alice Cooper does in that "Under My Wheels" Song! "The Telephone is Ringing!!!" Hello, this is Alice Cooper! I Wanna Be Elected!! WHAT!?! Ten Million Kids read in my Blog about eating Breakfast Ceral with Raid on it and they tried it and now there's PUKE all ovr the place and it's all my fault? Oh . . . Okay . . . Let me get my Mop and Bucket ready. I'll get right to Work on it. Bye! (Hangs up Phone, rolls eyes like a little bitch ie David Hogg) Ten Million KIds puked because of my silly little Comedy Bit and now I have to clean it all up. So now, to Entertain you while I'm Mopping Up Vomit, here is . . . POISON!!! "Uh . . . Our Guitar Player CC DeVille can't play." Why can't he play? "He ate Raisin Bran with Raid on it!" Oh, CC DeVille, how can you be so CC DeSilly? "I don't don't know. I just like to Party!" Well, where did he puke? "He puked on our Tour Bus!" Oh, well . . . Let me get my Mop and Bucket up the steps . . . Spilled a little Water on the Driver, Sorry . . . I thought there would be more GIRLS in here . . .
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR AMERICA'S FAVORITE PASTIME . . . "LET'S GO APESHIT WHEN CELEBRITIES SAY BULLSHIT"!!!
The Girl With The Great Ass On "Fingers Should Have Faces" - "The President should be covered with gravy and served on the 24 Hour Buffet in Vegas!!!"
Rush Limbaugh - "Uh Uh tha . . . tha . . . Wha Wha Wha . . . Guh . . . Guh . . . Guh . . .
Glenn Beck - "I did TOO flush the Toilet! I DID!!!"
Some Guy On MSNBC - "'Guy'? I'm RACHEL MADDOW!!!!"
The Guy Who Always Seems Drunk On "Nose Bleed Jones And Nose Hair Smith" - "I hate TV Commercials where some guy's Daughter is Driving off after getting her License and he's standing in the Drive Way acting like a Bitch!"
Rush Limbaugh - "Huh Huh Huh . . . Doh Doh Doh . . . Uh . . . Uh . . Uh . . ."
Nancy Pelosi - "Why don't they make Pool Boy flavored Ensure?"
Peter Frampton - "I am no longer a Celebrity. Leave me alone."
That Actress You Thought Was Hot Twenty Five Years Ago But Now Just Makes You Feel Sad And Old - "Every time they issue an Amber Alert I imagine Joe Piscopo driving around in a Van offering Little Kids Oxycontin and FIREWORKS!!! FIREWORKS, I TELL YA!!!!"
Rush Limbaugh - "Yuh Yuh Yuh . . . Meh Meh Meh . . . "
That Woman ON CNN Who Is Just Pretending To Be A Republican (Who the fuck is she kidding?) - "WOOF! WOOF!!"
The Cashier At Wal Mart - "That is mess ed up! I'll tell you the same thing only with PROFANITY once I am punched out and out in the Parking Lot."
Joe Piscopo - "Did you hear what she said a minute ago? I've already got some Oxycontin, should I borrow somebody's van?"
Peter Frampton - "Here are the Pills you wanted me to get from the Medicine Cabinet, Sir.
A LOBSTERS1 PRODUCTION
Nonstop Creedence And Kids Are Marching About Guns?
Haven't we had enough Creedence? We don't have to say the whole name of the Band, do we? WE'RE SICK OF IT! Everybody already hates Creed, let's just cut Creedence down to Creed and ignore two Crap Bands at once. Yeah, WE'RE EQUATING CREEDENCE TO CREED here! We don't care! We've had it! "The Big Lebowski"? Why all that terrible Music? The Dude Abides but we can't abide all that terrible Creed Music! Oh, Yeah, Sure, Metallica are Assholes but he likes CREED? Find somebody else to hang out with, Donnie! Those guys are gonna give you a Heart Attack and it ain't just those German's fault! Except for for the German played by Flea. Kids don't really like The Red Hot Chili Peppers, do they? David Hogg doesn't like The Red Hot Chili Peppers, right? Right?
Everybody is sick of The Beatles. If you are still reading this even though you know it is about The Beatles you must be an Old Hippy. Here is some Old Hippy Comedy for you - Shoo Shoo Sha Boo! Ten Million Piggies Living In The Zoo! Shoo Shoo Sha Boo! If You Think About It THE WORLD IS A ZOO! Look at Paul McCartney and Hillary Clinton ever there, giggling and poking each other in the ribs. What Horrible People! But, as you should have caught on by now, we will never get rid of Old Hippies like Paul McCartney and Hillary Clinton. You can scream and yell at them to go away but that only makes them more determined to stay. Oh, shit! Did that rhyme? Just thinking about Hippies will corrupt your mind! Quick! Put on a Punk Rock or Disco Record and get them thinking about spending all their Money on a Nice Place in Upstate New York where thry can . . . HA HA! Now we've got the Old Hippies thinking about how they've got to make A LOT OF MONEY like every other Square Head in America! HA HA! Hey, Lorne Michaels! Get rid of that damn Martin Short! Even if it means getting rid of Steve Martin. Maybe you should get rid of Lorne Michaels, man! THINK ABOUT IT, MAN!
Lobsters1 Looks Into The Future . . .
One Hundred Years from now Damn Yankees will be considered The Best Band In Rock N' Roll History. Nobody will have any idea what the "N'" in "Rock N' Roll" stands for but Damn Yankees will be everybody's Favorite Rock N' Roll Band and people will sit around making Jokes about Ted Nugent, Tommy Shaw, Jack Blades, and . . . Uh . . . The Drummer just like we used to make Jokes about John, Paul, George, and . . . Uh . . . Oh! Ringo before whatever goddam Rapper you idiots are talking about these days came along "What? What happened that One Hundred Years from now Damn Yankees will be The Last Jar Of Peanut Butter In The Underground Bunker?" (That will be 2118 Slang for the only thing anybody gives a shit about - "The Last Jar Of Peanut Butter In The Underground Bunker") I don't know what lead to everybody sitting around talking about Damn Yankees and passing around the empty Jar of Peanut Butter taking turns licking your finger, rubbing it all over the inside of the empty Jar, and then slobbering all over your finger but it probably started when you idiots stopped talking about The Beatles to talk about that goddam Rapper all the Time. "Remember on Jack Blades Appreciation Day when we ate all the labels on the empty Jars of Peanut Butter and got sick while Singing 'Sister Christian'?" Singing "Sister Christian"? You're gonna get sick no matter what you eat!
Donald Trump has hired John Bolton to go around looking like Teddy Roosevelt. Whenever Trump gets all pouty they haul Bolton into the Oval Office to jump around going "BULLY! BULLY!" Teddy Roosevelt used to say "BULLY!" all the Time. Nobody knew what the hell he meant but he scared the shit out of everybody so . . . But it's groovy when John Bolton does the "BULLY! BULLY!" thing cause he looks like Teddy Roosevelt but but nobody is afraid of him. So go ahead, knock the crap out of the silly looking bastard! Trump will just laugh and everybody will put on their Rough Rider uniforms and dance around Singing "Woolly Bully". They're having a Good Time but eventually Trump will get tired of everybody messing with him and pack up to go live on a Private Space Station that will eventually crash into a poverty stricken Village in Bolivia.
JOHN BOLTON - "When it comes to going on TV and acting like a Dick I am America's Number One Pick!!!"
Donald Trump has fired Mike Pence and hired Morning Zoo Shock Jock Jelly Bean Jerry Jones as America's new Vice President "I heard Jelly Bean talking about Trannies in the Army and laughed my ass off!" says Trump flicking boogers at a picture of David Hogg stuck to the Oval Office wall with a wad of Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum "I invited the Jelly Beanster over to the White House and when he got pissed at at John Kelly for not being into Italian Zombie Movies I knew he was My Brotha! Tell em what you think of that All Girl 'Ghostbusters' bullshit, Jelly Bean-A-Roo-Dee-Doo!" "FUUUUUUUUCK THAAAAAT!!!!!!" "That's the whole enchilada in a nutshell!" Vice President Bean-A-Roo-Dee-Doo's first task will be going around the Planet gathering every copy of that Danny Kaye Movie where he played Hans Christian Anderson and throwing them into a vat of molten metal in a Pittsburgh Steel MIll "I can get behind that!" says Hillary Clinton "That's my Favorite Movie!!!" "Shut up, David Hogg!"
You want to understand why MSNBC losers Love Rachel Maddow so much, try watching Stephanie Ruhle on MSNBC. She's every Drunken Nag that ever got all up in your Face for saying The Wrong Thing about . . . Crap, say ANYTHING around these Broads and it's gonna be Wrong. Everybody remembers laughing their asses off at Rachel Maddow on Election Night Night but where was Stephanie Rule? You know where Stephanie Ruhle was - She was in some Dive screaming "NO FUCKIN' WAY!!!! NOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOO!!! HILLARY WON!!!! HILLARY WON!!!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!! BULLSHIT!!!!! Do you have any Coke? THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!! WE'RE GONNA IMPEACH HIS FAT ASS!!!!" No wonder she's not in the Evening. But she's kinda cute. LET'S DO ANOTHER SHOT!!!!!
These Days the only thing anybody remembers about The Beach Boys is that they used to pal around with Charles Manson. Well, not ALL of The Beach Boys were Buddies with Charles Manson. Brian Wilson was too busy with his "Never Leaving The Bedroom-Always Wearing The Same Pair Of Pajamas-Smelling Really Bad By Even Sixties Rock Star Standards" Trip to hang out with Charles Manson. Aw, who are trying to kid, Brian Wilson? You would have LOVED to make The Family Scene but you were such a terrible mess not even Charles Manson wanted you around! And YEAH, Lobsters1 is talking as if Brian Wilson is right here with him because Brian Wilson really is right here with him! GO AWAY, BRIAN WILSON! "But Charles Manson is Dead, my Brother Dennis is Dead, my Brother Carl is Dead, and I don't have anybody to hang around with any more!" "What about Mike Love?" "Mike Love is Dead!" "Mike Love is NOT Dead. We just told you that so you wouldn't bother him!" "GODDAMMIT, LOBSTERS1!!!" "See? There he is right now hiding behind that pile of Money!" "Say, that IS Mike Love! Hi, Mike!" "Leave me alone, Brian." "I liked it better when I thought he was Dead." You guys talk between your Beach Boy selves. Lobsters1 is going to end this Bit before he goes Nuts and and Writes something about Charles Manson not really being Dead "You should Write something about Dennis and Carl not really being Dead!" "YEAH!" Shut up, Dennis and Carl! "Okay!" "Sorry!"
There are people making Millions of Dollars selling Bullet Proof Back Packs for School Kids. Lobsters1 has just patented a Ten Ton Back Pack that a kid can jump inside when Shooting breaks out and drive around with a Nuclear Powered Engine and the exact same Chassis as a a German World War Two Tiger Tank. Spend an extra Twenty Million Dollars and you can shoot Rockets across the Ocean and Record your very own Dubstep Records! Cause we're not gonna take it! NO! We're not gonna take it! We're not gonna . . . You kids don't know that Song? Oh, well . . . SCREW helping YOU survive!
Lobsters1 watched "The Today Show" for the first time in years this Morning and found out that Total War is about to erupt between something called Tinder and some other thing called Bumble. After a Lifetime of Admiration for The Greatest Generation's Heroic Battle against the Third Reich Lobsters1 is seriously debating fighting with Tinder or Marching with the Forces of Bumble. Which side have the French signed an Alliance with? Lobsters1 was only watching that shit because they said Bill Murray was going to be on it. But he turned it off before Bill Murray could show up. A Report about the Cake for some Royal Wedding Featuring a REALLY LONG clip from some old "Seinfeld" Episode? Enough Is Enough! I bet Bill Murray left, too. Oh, you saw Bill Murray on "The Today Show" this Morning? Eh, he's a Drunk. You know what happens to those guys when they get Old.
Face Book is controversial all of a sudden. Lobsters1 has done advertising in Face Book for "The Lobsters1 Blog" and and "The Devil Is A Sissy" Pod Cast . Maybe you'll be seeing Lobsters1 testifying in a Senate Commitee Hearing sometime in the Future . . .
Elisabeth Warren : Mister Lobsters1, do you like it when I move my head around like THIS or do you like it when I move my head around like THIS?
Lobsters1 : Stop moving your head so much! YOU MAKE ME DIZZY, MISS LIZZY!!! (Plays Little Richard riff on an Eighties Casio Keyboard) Hooooo!!!
John McCain : Oh, that crazy rhythm! It's stuck inside my brain! Oh, that crazy rhythm! It's driving me insane!
Lindsey Graham : Save it for New Year's Eve, awready!
Warren : Mister Lobsters1 . . .
Lobsters1 : Say, Liz, do you SWING? You oughta meet my Uncle Earl!
Warren : Get this guy outta here!!!
Lobsters1 : It's Cool! I wanna go sniff around for that Huma! Hoooooooma!!
Paul Ryan : Mister Lobsters1, you left your Freddie Krueger Action Figure!
Lobsters1 : That's no Freddie Krueger Action Figure, that's my Uncle Earl!
Uncle Earl : I always wanted to be on C-Span!
HOLY TOLEDO, we gotta do something about all the packages blowing up in Austin! Isn't there something like the National Package Association we can blame it on? The NPA? A bunch of White Trash Right Wing guys who love to pack things in boxes and send em to people? "They'll take away my roll of Scotch Tape when they unpeel it from my dead sticky fingers!" I bet they REALLY like Christmas! Okay, that's enough of this.
A SERIOUS MATTER . . .
Here is something Lobsters1 has been meaning to bring up with everybody - How come none of you watched Redd Foxx's Variety Show on ABC in the late Seventies? Lobsters1 was the ONLY person in America that watched that Series and when it was cancelled he knew that he was Damned to an Existence of Loneliness and Alienation . . . Let Lobsters1 talk about this while he can - Every time he sits down to Write a Blog Post about how uncool you all are for not making a Big Hit out of Redd Foxx's Variety on ABC in the late Seventies Donald Trump pulls some crazy stunt and that's all anybody wants to talk about for the next Twenty Four Hours! So Redd Foxx had a really funny Show on ABC that was Produced by Bob Einstein and . . . UH OH! TRUMP CUT THE TRUNK OFF OF AN ELEPHANT WITH A CHAINSAW!!!! No more time to yell at you assholes for failing to watch Redd Foxx's Variety Show on ABC in the late Seventies - TRUMP CUT AN ELEPHANT'S TRUNK OFF WITH A CHAINSAW!!!! Let's turn on Foxx News and watch them give a perfectly reasonable explanation for cutting an elephant's trunk off with a chainsaw . . . OH! Sean Hannityy is talking about a massive herd of Pachyderms rampaging through Central Park . . . WOW! A Laser Beam just shot out of Lobsters1's forehead and blew up the TV set! Has Lobsters1 become a Super Hero? No, a Laser Beam shoots out of EVERYBODY'S forehead once in their Life and Today was Lobsters1's Laser Beam Shooting Out Of The Forehead Day. If you have not had a Laser Beam shoot of your forehead yet be careful talking to your Friends and Family Members when they have done something to really piss you off. Hey, all you Losers quit bitching about how Great everything would have been if everybody had bought "Raw Power" by Iggy And The Stooges! If everybody had watched Redd Foxx's Variety Show on ABC in the late Seventies every New Year's Day you would wake up inside a gigantic Baby Ruth candy bar and by the time you ate your way out of that tastey tremendous treat it would be New Year's Eve and we would get TOTALLY WASTED!!!! YOU GUYS SCREWED UP!!!!
Wow! The Russians poisoned an ex Spy in England!It's like one of those Spy Movies Lobsters1's Dad was always watching when Lobsters1 was a kid and he'd get really mad at Lobsters1 for asking too many questions cause Lobsters1 was too little to follow the plot and Lobsters1 would start crying and then hs Mom would be all "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAKE HIM CRY!?!" "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!! I'M JUST TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE LEAK IN THE BATHROOM SINK?!!" "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE LEAK IN THE BATHROOM SINK!!" "I'M GONNA TAKE THE KIDS AND GO STAY AT MY SISTER'S HOUSE!!!" "YOU CAN TAKE THE KIDS AND GO TO THE MOON FOR ALL I CARE!!!" and Lobsters1 lost all interest in Existence. The Russians did that ex Spy a favor! If his Parents had been nicer he wouldn't have grown u to be a Spy! His kids are better off! What would happen if Lobsters1 took all the Pills his Doctor prescribed to him at once?
UH OH! A new Roger Daltry Solo Album to make all the Who fans feel guilty for not buying the terrible thing! The Curse Of Being A Who Fan - Feeling guilty for not buying all those terrible Roger Daltry Solo Albums. But, Lo! This new Roger Daltry Solo Album has Pete Townsend playing Guitar on it! "Pete Townsend? That name is kind of familiar! Guy in Monty Python, right? He played Biggus Dickus in 'Life Of Brian', right?" "PETE TOWNSEND PLAYS GUITAR IN THE WHO!!" "Oh yeah! Quit yelling! Bad enough there is a new Roger Daltry Solo Album!" BIG QUESTION - Are The Who Fans required to buy the new Roger Daltry Solo Album because Biggus Nose-us plays Guitar on the terrible thing? (Here comes the Happy Part) No! No one has to buy that crap! No one has ever had to buy an Album with Roger Daltry Singng on it. We only did that because we were Teenagers and we were wasted. YAY! Oh, here is the Funny Part - Roger Daltry is about to do a Tour where he performs "Tommy" with an Orchestra! Is Pete Townsend involved? NAH! Not even Pete Townsend is THAT much of a douche.
Nobody can afford to go to that Sandals resort! I'm gonna open a resort called Flip Flops!
Lobsters1 just Wrote that Joke and now he's going to sell it to Andrew Dice Clay for Ten Bucks . . .
"Dice! I got a great new Joke for you!"
"I ain't buyin' no Joke from you! You made fun of Ellen and Oprah! You're a Bad Man! You're a very Bad Man!"
"You had that picture of that kid from 'Lost In Space' sayin' 'You're a Bad Man! You're a Very Bad Man!' and if that kid from 'Lost In Space' says you're a bad man you're a very bad man I ain't buyin' no Joke from you! I Love that kid from 'Lost In Space'!"
"Dice, that kid from 'Lost In Space' didn't REALLY say I was a Bad Man! That was just a bit I did on my Comedy Blog!"
"Your Comedy Blog?"
"Yeah! That kid saying I'm a Bad Man was just something I made up!"
"You just made that up?""
"Yeah! Just like you saying you aren't going to buy my Joke was something I made up!"
"Oh! Uh, Okay, guess I'll buy the Joke then!"
"What's the Joke?"
"Nobody can afford to go to that Sandals resort . .
"Uh huh . . . "
" . . . I'm gonna open a resort called Flip Flops!"
"Wha . . . I'M NOT BUYIN' THAT!!!!"
"Aw . . . "
"GET OUTTA HERE!!!! YOU SUCK!!!"
An Official Statement From The Dice Man . . .
"This Lobsters1 guy has dragged that kid from 'Lost In Space' into some bullshit vendetta against me, The Dice Man, and . . . 'Vendetta'? What the hell kinda word is that!?! 'Vendetta'! I ain't never said that!"
"Lobsters1?! Is this another one of your depraved abominations against all that is pure and decent . . . Huh? 'pure and decent'? The Dice Man don't talk like that! You're makin' me say crazy shit in your Blog that I would never ordinarilly say in a juvenile attempt to make me look like a jackanapes! JACKANAPES!?! Where the hell did I come up with that!?!"
"I HATE YOU, LOBSTERS1!!! I'm a little tea pot short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout! GODDAMMIT!!!!"
"You're a BAD MAN!!! YOU'RE A VERY BAD MAN!!!"
"You tell him, 'Lost In Space' kid!"
"I'm not the 'Lost In Space' kid! I'm the 'Twilight Zone' kid!"
"Oh, yeah . . . "
Oh, Okay - Let's talk about Donald Trump having an affair with a Porn Star. During the course of this affair were the two of them riding in a car that fell off of a bridge and into the water so he swam away to safety and left her to die? No? She's still alive? She's still alive AND he gave her a lot of Money? Was he dating Mia Farrow at the time and was the Porn Star a Vietnamese orphan that Farrow had adopted? Yeah, yeah . . You keep talking about this while Lobsters1 talks about the Fifty Million Giant Crabs that came out of the Ocean, ate everybody on the East and West Coasts and . . . Oh, now that they've eaten everybody on the East and West Coasts the Giant Crabs are going back into the Ocean. Uh, Thanks A Lot, Crabs! "That's 'Giant Crabs'!" Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot, Giant Crabs!
Lobsters1 has that Cyndi Lauper Song "Girl's Just Want To Have Fun" stuck in his head and it is driving him nuts! He pulled up to the Drive Thru at Wendy's and when the Wendy's person asked "How can I help you?" Lobsters1 said "When the Working Day is done, Girls just want to have fun, that's all they really want . . . " and was so embarassed he jumped out of his car and ran away. He left his car back there in the Wendy's Drive Thru. He can't work up the nerve to go get it back. Does he have enough Money to get a new car? That Cyndi Lauper Song has taken over his mind! Isn't it enough that he remembers to spell her name "Cyndi" instead of "Cindy"? Isn't that enough for that crazy chick? Didn't she say she just wanted to have fun? That "I want to be the one to walk in the Sun" is kind of . . . Aw, SHIT!
Oh God, there's a new "Death Wish" Movie and it's probably even worse than the old "Death Wish" Movies. The only good thing about those "Death Wish" Movies is yelling "LOOK! IT'S JEFF GOLDBLUM!!!!" If you're a real Prankster you don't wait until Jeff Goldblum shows up to go "LOOK! IT'S JEFF GOLDBLUM!!!" You go "LOOK! IT'S JEFF GOLDBLUM!!!!" every time an Actor appears on the Screen and everybody else is trying to hear what that Actor is saying. Screw em! Yell "LOOK! IT'S JEFF GOLDBLUM!!!!" at the top of your lungs and jump up and spit a mouth full of Kool Aid all over the Screen. Screw "Death Wish" Movies!! Oh, when Jeff Goldblum finally does show up and everybody is about to go "LOOK! IT'S JEFF GOLDBLUM!!!" you TOTALLY mess them up and go "LOOK! IT'S CHRISTOPHER GUEST!!!!" and run around the room spraying people with a Fire Extinguisher. Cause, you know, Christopher Guest had a Bit Part in "Death Wish" before he was in the National Lampoon Radio Hour and "Spinal Tap" and got Married to Jamie Lee Curtis. But don't talk about all that while spraying everybody with that Fire Extinguisher. Nobody cares about Chrstopher Guest.
Trump is in HOT WATER for just makin' up a lot of stuff while talking about Canada. How else are you going to talk about Canada for more than ten seconds without makin' up a lot of stuff? What is there to talk about? Rush? Tommy Chong? Uh . . . OH! The Kids In The Hall! Trump forgot all about The Kids In The Hall while he was talking about Canada! I know from personal experience that Trump can really Go To Town when it comes to talking about his favorite Kids In The Hall bits "I'M PINCHING YOUR HEAD! I'M PINCHING YOUR HEAD!!" But he forgot all about The Kids and he had to improvise some crazy shit about how in Canada the Fish wear Sunglasses "Little Sunglasses! It's so CUTE!!" Hey, that's better than most of the stuff The Kids In The Hall Came Up with! Canada - BIG DEAL!
Can't wait to see Jim Gaffigan in that Movie about Ted Kennedy killing a girl and getting away with it "Uh . . . What Year is this Movie set in? Have Hot Pockets been invented yet? Can I play the guy who invented Hot Pockets? Wouldn't a Movie about the guy that invented Hot Pockets be better than a Movie about some degenerate who kills a girl and gets away with it because he's from a rich family? Say, I'm a really successful Stand Up Comic, why am I in this shitty Movie? Do I really want to Work in Hollywood THAT much? Oh, there's going to be a Musical Prduction Number where I dress up like Carmen Miranda and dance around with a pile of fruit on my head? Will I get paid a lot of Money if I do it? I will? Sure, I'll do it! YEAH!"
OH MAN! All the guys in my Boomtown Rats cover band She Finally Finds Billy In The Italian Cafe When He's Drunk It's Hard To Understand What Billy Says But Then He Mumbles In His Cup And Then He Suddenly Bawls "It's A Rat Trap, Judy! And We've Been Caught!" want to stop being a Boomtown Rats cover Band and become a Boston cover band! Can you believe that? I might go along with it just to be a Nice Guy but only if we call the Band When I'm Tired And Feeling Cold I Hide In My Music Forget The Day And Dream OF A Girl I Used To Know I Close My Eyes And She Slips Awaaaaayyyy She slips awwwwaaaaaaaaayyyyyy aaaaaayyyyyyy aaaaaayyyyyyyyy Nobody has come in for rehearsel all week. Is it because of that Flu Epidemic?
Who is Lobsters1 kidding with this lame Comedy Blog? A Comedy Blog? That's like something Brian would do on "Family Guy"! That's how much of a Loser Lobsters1 is - A Cartoon Dog can do anything better than he can! Yeah, Lobsters1 can take a leak on a Tree but can he take a Cartoon Leak on a Cartoon Tree? WAIT A MINUTE! Didn't Peg on "King Of The Hill" have some sort of a Comedy Blog? And Bobby wants to be a Prop Comic! Lobsters1 only started a Comedy Blog because a Lap Top is easier to carry around than a bunch of Props. LOBSTERS1 HAS BEEN TAKING ORDERS FROM "KING OF THE HILL"!!!! It's all beginning to make sense . . . "King Of The Hill" is beginning to make sense, not anything having to do with Lobsters1 - He's MESSED UP!!! It's just too bad none of this was Written by Brian on "Family Guy". Then we could watch Brian smugly reading it out loud to Peter so then Peter could say something like "This is like that Time on 'King Of The Hill' when Peg had a Comedy Blog" and then it would cut to a "King Of The Hill" thing where . . . Oh . . . Bobby is gay or some ther 'edgy' Seth McFarlane bullshit. Maybe Lobsters1 will do a Prop Comedy thing with a bag of corn chips where he takes a corn chip out of the bag, make a joke, take another corn chip out of the bag, make another joke . . . Yeah, a bag of corn chips wouldn't be any more of a pain to carry around than a Lap Top. Maybe get a can of cheese dip and throw cheese dip all over the place like Gallagher . . . Aw, Hell . . .
People have lost interest in "The Walking Dead" now that now that The Evil Bad Guy Negan is starting to make more sense than The Nice Guy Hero Rick. Imagine how weird "All In The Family" would have been if The Evil Bad Guy Mike had started to make more sense than The Nice Guy Hero Archie. It . . . What are you looking at me like that for? AW, GO WATCH THE FRIGGIN' RACHEL MADDOW SHOW, YA NO GOOD FOR NOTHIN' PUNKS!!!
Lobsters1 has given up on "The Walking Dead" after more than a Year of trying to figure out the Trajectory of that Rocket Daryl blew up that bunch of Bikers with while standing behind that truck. Just Writing that sentence was enough for Lobsters1 to need a nap. Lobsters1 has charts and calculations on sheets of paper all over the place . . . Daryl is at Point A behind the truck while the Bikers are at Point B in front of the truck . . . The Rocket clearly came down out of the sky on top of the Bikers . . . The Range of a US Army Shoulder Mounted Rocket Launcher . . . SHIT! The George Romero Zombie Movies never had Lobsters1 sitting up all Night working on charts and calculations! Peter in "Dawn Of The Dead" never did anything that had Lobsters1 going to the Store for Graph Paper and and Protractors! Hey, it's just a greasy redneck blowing up a bunch of other greasy rednecks, it's not Rocket Science . . . Oh, Shit - It IS Rocket Science!!!! What the Hell kind of IDIOT has to drag Werner Von Braun V2 Swooshitude into something as Basic as a Zombie Opera? And are we ever gonna see Rosita naked OR WHAT!?! I know she was in Playboy but I already spent all my Money on Graph Paper and stupid Protractors!
Lobsters1 thought for sure that he was going to get Fired from his Job but he just got a 'Reprimand'. 'Reprimand'? Two Weeks of Mental Preparation for "YOU'RE FIRED!!! GET YOUR ASS OUTTA HERE!!!!" and then - A "Reprimand"? They didn't even give Lobsters1 a Reprimand , they just said "We're giving you a Reprimand". Lobsters1 sat there waiting for them to tell him what an awful thing he had done and what a horrible person he was and all the other things you might imagine an Employee is told when given a Reprimand . But, No - They just said they were giving Lobsters1 a Reprimand and that was the entire Reprimand Experience. They might as well have told Lobsters1 that that they were sending him to the Electric Chair without ever strapping him into the big Wooden Chair , putting the Metal Head Cooking Thing on top of his Head, and then Zapping him with enough Electricity for Ace Frehley to play the Guitar Solo at the end of "Black Diamond". But they just let him continue to sit in the same chair he had been sitting in all along without having to get up and sit in any other chair at all! Tomorrow Morning Lobsters1 is going to in there and doing the Exact Same Thing that got him in Trouble to begin with. Tonight Lobsters1 will listen to "Black Diamond" over and over again all night until it is Time to take a shower and go to Work. Eh, why take a shower?
OJ Simpson has a TV Show where he pretty much admits that . . . Well you know. The only appropriate response is to not watch the damn thing. People had no problem not watch Dana Carvey's Show on ABC or Chevy Chase's Show on Fox, why is abstaining from watching OJ Simpson giggle about the murders of two Human Beings (Not Dana Carvey or Chevy Chase, by the way) such a challenge? Don't watch it!!! And so what if OJ Simpson has already been to Prison? Prison means nothing to a person like that. Being locked up in a cell while everybody else is out there in the open is a Breeze to someone like OJ Simpson. But being on Television while everybody is watching "Game Of Thrones" or "The Walking Dead" - That would be even worse than getting fried to a crisp in the Electric Chair! So don't watch that shit. That and whatever Mike Tyson is doing on TV these days. Or Nick Kroll. No Nick Kroll hasn't killed or raped anybody. He's just an asshole.
Hillary Clinton went to India to yell at everybody about why she lost the 2018 Election. Exactly where Hillary Clinton ever got the idea that people in India had any interest in why she lost the Election has yet to be explained but Lobsters1 can only conclude that if you are going to be doing a lot of yelling about how Evil and Stupid most of the people in America are it is a good idea to leave America and travel all of the way to the other side of the World before you commence with the yelling. Maybe now that Donald Trump has run Twitter into the mud India is the new place for people to share their idiotic opinions. Instead of grabbing your Phone and typing out a quick Tweet you will get on the Plane to India , get off of the Plane, and start screaming and yelling at the Starving Hindus. Maybe once you have gone to India you stay there and continue screaming at people for the rest of your Life. Hey, Lobsters1 isn't putting down Hillary Clinton here, his Blog has turned out to be as big a DUD as everything Hillary Clinton has tried to do. If India is The Place To Be now that Twitter is over where do you go now that your Blog has gone down the Toilet? Ooooohhhh, maybe it's BRAZIL! That's where the Girls with the Nice Asses are! Maybe Lobsters1 can dump this stupid Blog to go to Brazil and do Comedy Bits for the Girls with the Nice Asses! YEAH! Thanks, Hillary! Oh, Hillary did not appreciate that stuff about the Girls with the Nice Asses. Let me go back and add in a few Spanking Jokes. Some Lesbian Spanking Jokes about her and Huma. HOW 'BOUT THAT, LADY!?!
We couldn't find a nicer Girl to be The Big Chick Movie Star than Jennifer Lawrence? What did she do, go to LA and beat a few Hundred Cute Actress Babes to Death with a Baseball Bat with Barbed Wire twisted around it? I don't think Elizabeth Taylor had to resort to such extreme measures. She probably killed a few people years later when she was a Fat Old Drunk and had to defend her Lil' Buddy Michael Jackson from the enraged Parents of his Slumber Party Survivors but when she was Young N' Cute I'm sure buying a Baseball Bat and a couple of feet of Barbed Wire to wrap around it was the farthest thing from her Mind. And no way would America have had to put up with Marilyn Monroe's pathetic draggin' around if Elizabeth Taylor had been on the Scene with a Barbed Wire enhanced Baseball Bat "Where's that stupid Blonde everybody's telling depressing stories about?" That's how interesting Jennifer Lawrence is - Lobsters1 starts Writing about her and swiftly veers off into Elizabeth Taylor beating Marilyn Monroe to Death with - "STOP TALKING ABOUT THE BASEBALL BAT!!!!" Sorry.
Lobsters1 just realised that most of the Women he has met in his Life were Bridget Fonda in "Jackie Brown". No, wait - Bridget Fonda in "Jackie Brown is attractive. Forget the whole thing. Forget most of the Women Lobsters1 has met in his Life, don't forget "Jackie Brown". It's an okay Movie. Lobsters1's Nephews told him that he reminded them of Robert De Niro in "Jackie Brown". That was before Lobsters1 saw "Jackie Brown". Then Lobsters1 saw "Jackie Brown" and has not spoken to his Nephews ever since. How do you think Donald Duck would feel if Huey, Dewey, and Louie told him that he reminded them of Daffy Duck? Was there a Disney Cartoon where Mickey Mouse yelled "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!?! YOU USED TO BE BEAUTIFUL!!!" at Donald Duck and shot him?
Oprah Winfrey says that Political Candidates should just discuss the Issues without getting into a lot of negative stuff about their Opponents. Which is something we have already heard a Million times from a Hundred Million People in the Past. But THIS Time it's DIFFERENT because we are hearing it from OPRAH WINFREY!!! Yeah, there is nothing new or interesting to this at all but it's OPRAH WINFREY!!!! So . . . How come Lobsters1 doesn't just call her "OPRAH"? Well, it's not like . . . What? Doesn't Lobsters1 LOVE Oprah? Uh . . . Yeah, Lobsters1 LOVES Oprah. Yeah. Forget Lobsters1 brought this up. Oh, Okay . . . Everybody go see that NEW MOVIE Oprah is in! Sorry, Lobsters1 doesn't know the Title but it's THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE!!! Cause OPRAH is in it! Lobsters1 LOVES Oprah! Oprah is SO GREAT! And, don't forget, if you are running for Office just stick to the Issues! Nothing negative about whoever you are running against! YEAH! GOD, THAT IS SO BRILLIANT! OPRAH IS BRILLIANT!!!!
I will never mention that damn Woman again for as long as I Live.
Jane Fonda, Dolly Parton, and . . . Uh . . . Lily Tomlin might do a sequel to "Nine To Five". But wouldn't the Working Women in "Nine To Five" have retired by now? Shouldn't Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton, and . . . Uh . . . Jane Fonda have retired by now? That Movie was so long ago I think Rudy Valentino played their Boss. Who played their Boss in that Movie? Dabney Coleman? My God, Dabney Coleman could not be more forgotten if he was . . . You now . . . that guy . . . Anyway, Dabney Coleman is going to be in the new "Nine To Five" Movie, right? Oh no! Dabney Coleman is DEAD! First Mick Jagger's Girlfriend and now THIS! I thought Lily Tomlinwas Dead until I heard about this new "Nine To Five" thing. But I'm not putting Lily Tomlin down. She was SO FUNNY on "Rowan And Valentino's Laugh In". And don't hold a grudge against Jane Fonda for posing on that North Vietnamese Anti Aircraft Gun. That was a long Time ago.Lobsters1 thought it was a Trojan Catapult.
Oh, ANOTHER Donald Trump Controversy! This guy couldn't ruffle more feathers if he was Ted Nugent at a Turkey Shoot! What did Donzo do this time? (Keep moving until they forget that thing about Ted Nugent at the Turkey Shoot) If you are Chuck Todd you might want to sit down for this, everybody else is too Kung Pow over the Ted Nugent Turkey Massacre to give a Peanut on a Pay Day - It seems, Chuck, that the President called you "a sleepy son of a bitch". What do you think about that? This is your Big Day to make all kind of Stanley Kowalski facial expressions for the Camera . . . Chuck . . . Chuck . . .WAKE UP, YOU SLEEPY SON OF A BITCH!!!! Too much "Ted Nugent Turkey Shoot" Talk, eh? Let's try the "Put One Hand In The Warm Bowl Of Water" Trick and see what happens. Uh Oh! Who put that Great White Shark in the warm bowl of water? What a shame? What were Chuck's Last Words? "We're gonna need a bigger boat"? WHAT? I don't get it!
Lobsters1 is so OLD he spent years thinking about how Great it would be when Keith Richards made a Solo Album. Anybody else spent decades going "Yeah, the new Stones Album SUCKS, but just wait until Keith Richards makes a SOLO ALBUM!!! OH, WOW!!! GOSH!!! (Rolling around on floor making gurgling sounds until someone puts on "Some Girls")? And Finally One Fantastic Day . . . The Berlin Wall Went Down!!! "What?" Sorry . . . And Finally One Fantastic Day . . . Keith Richards Is Making A Solo Album!!! "What?" Keith Richards Is Making A Solo Album!!! "I'm Sorry, I hurt my ear after all those years of rolling around on the floor making gurgling sounds . . . Did you just say that Ron Wood is making a Solo Album? Ron Wood is ALWAYS making a Solo Album, I REFUse to roll around on the floor making gurgling sounds over Ron Wood making a Solo Album! No more rolling and gurgling!" No! I said KEITH RICHARDS is making a Solo Album! Long Pause as Lobsters1 stares off into Space. A Comet appears in the distance. The Comet gets closer. The Comet gets closer. The Comet is one inch away from Lobsters1's Head. The Comet crashes into . . . (Rplling around on the floor and gurgling) "Don't tell him who Keith Richards has Playing on his Solo Album with him. Let him enjoy his rolling around and gurgling while he can." Yeah, Waddy Wachtel! Can you believe that? Waddy Friggin' Wachtel! That was after Johnny Thunders died, right? It HAD to be!
Will there be a Meeting between Donald Trump and that North Korean guy? You know, What's His Name. No one can remember his Dumb Ass Korean name. No one wants to calll him "Rocket Man" because it bums out Elton John, so we call him "What's His Name". But that doesn't quite DO It, right? Will there be a Meeting between Donald Trump and that Fat Idiot? Why would we want Our Beloved President to Meet a Fat Idiot? No, wait - Our Beloved President is a Fat Idiot! They should do more than just Meet, they ought to Move In together and open a Bed And Breakfast in the DMZ. GO AWAY, FAT IDIOT! What were we talking about? I've lost interest.
Lobsters1 heard that "Don't You Forget About Me" Song from "The Breakfast Club" the other Day and thought "Hey! I know this Song is based on the Movie but where does that "Rain keeps falling, Rain keeps falling down, down, down . . . " bit come from? THERE AIN'T NO RAIN IN THAT MOVIE!!!" So Lobsters1 sat down and put together a Comedy Bit where he asks the Guy who Wrote "Don't You Forget About Me" all about that "Rain keeps falling, Rain keeps falling" stuff "Oh, the Original Cut of 'The Breakfast Club' had a Post Credits Sequence where the Wise Little Janitor has to walk Home in a pouring Thunderstorm and James Spader as The Evil Rich Kid in 'Pretty In Pink' hits him with his Porsche and kills him and then Gedde Watanabe as The Crazy Chinese Guy in 'Sixteen Candles' picks up the the Janitor's corpse and sells it to the Chinese Buffet so John Candy as the Homeless Traveling Salesman in 'Planes, Trains, And Automobiles' can eat Sweet And Sour Janitor with Janitor Fried Rice out of the garbage can behind the Buffet - IN THE RAIN!!!" "Well, that's awful! And that Song SUCKS!" "Well, this Comedy Bit SUCKS!" "Get out of here, Guy Who Wrote 'Don't You Forget About Me'!" "You don't you know my name?" "Yeah! Keith Forsey! You Produced all the really good Billy Idol stuff!" "Well, why don't you Write something about something I did that you like?" "Because I can only come up with creative ideas when I am angry and disgusted!" "That might be why you like Billy Idol." "Don't psychoanalyze me, man!" "Is Keith psychoanalyzing you? I HATE when he does that!" "Hey, it's BILLY IDOL!!!"
MUSIC ; "Rebel Yell"
Everybody does that stupid Eighties Dance
Did you know that while Chevy Chase and Eric Idle were shooting "European Vacation" they Wrote a Script for a Movie called "Australian Vacation"? Did you know that? What the Hell are they teaching you kids in the Schools these days? How come there was never an "Austrlian Vacation" Movie? Because as soon as Australia found out about that Script half of Australia beat the crap out of Chevy Chase and the other half of Australia beat the crap out of Eric Idle. Don't worry, the Kangaroos and Koala Bears took care of all the Business in Australia while all of the Human Australians were out of the Country beating the crap out of Chevy Chase and Eric Idle. Did you know that while Ken Marino and Michael Showalter were shooting "Hot Wet American Summer" they Wrote a Script for a Movie called "Hot Wet Australian Summer"? Not really. That's bullshit.
How come nobody remembers that Ernie Kovacs used to Host "The Tonight Show"? Yeah, Ernie Kovacs - The Guy who always smoked a Cigar and Died in a Car Crash - Hosted "The Tonight Show" at the same time tha Steve Allen was Hosting "The Tonight Show". Kovacs would Host "The Tonight Show" one Night, Allen would host it the Next, then Kovacs would Host it . . . That's why Ernie Kovacs died in that Car Accident - He couldn't decide if he was going Home or if he was going to "The Tonight Show" and his Car went in two Directions at once . . . It was TERRIBLE! So now everybody remembers that Steve Allen Hosted "The Tonight Show" but all they remember about Ernie Kovacs is . . . Eh, you know. But his Wife was A LOT better looking than Steve Allens!
Lobsters1 was obsessed with Ernie Kovacs when he was a Kid in the Late Seventies. Lobsters1's Favorite Comedian in those Days Chevy Chase was always talking about his Favorite Comedian when he was a Kid Ernie Kovacs so . . . . . Wow, no wonder Lobsters1 is so messed up now that he isn't a Kid! So Lobsters1 turned out to be just like his Hero Chevy Chase after all! Except for the "Success" part. But the "Everybody Thinks He Is A Pain In The Ass" part? Oh Yeah, Lobsters1 has fulfilled his Dream of being just like Chevy Chase at last! Was Ernie Kovacs a Pain In The Ass? Maybe, but that was back in the Fifties. Everybody was a Pain In The Ass back in the Fifties. That was why the Sixties seemed to be so Great. But what do the Sixties seem to be like NOW? Ugh, where's the Pepto Bismol? If Ernie Kovacs had been around in the Sixties there would have been no need for all that Beatles-Woodstock-LSD crap. Kovacs was a TRIP! And then in 2018 Chevy Chase would be The King Of Comedy! And Lobsters1 would be making Ten Million Dollars a Year with this Blog! But there goes Lobsters1 being a Pain In The Ass again . . .
In the Late Seventies when Chevy Chase was really Popular and turning out to be a Pain In The Ass he always talked about wanting to be like Ernie Kovacs and everybody always talked about wanting him to go for a Drive "Hey, Chevy! Look! A Maserati! Wanna go for a drive in a Maserati?" "A Maserati? WOW!" And he'd drive off in a Maserati . . . "There he goes!" But Five Minutes later he'd come back . . . "Aw, it's HIM again!" "Hey, Guys! I had this real ERNIE KOVACS kind of idea . . . " "Oh, man!" "Yeah, I sit down to eat a Sandwich and . . . " "Hey, Chevy! Look! A Rolls Royce! Wanna go for a drive in a Rolls Royce?" "A Rolls Royce? WOW!" And he'd drive off in a Rolls Royce . . . "There he goes!" But Five Minutes later he'd come back . . . "AW, it's HIM again!" "Hy, Guys! I had an idea for a really ERNIE KOVACS kind of a . . . " "Oh, man!" "Yeah, I open my Closet to get my Coat and . . . " But they ALMOST got rid of Chevy Chase when they gave up on the Car Crash in favor of "Hey, Chevy! Look! A Suitcase full of COCAINE!" "A Suitcase full of COCAINE? WOW!" But that's not funny. Not in 2018, anyway.
It's too bad Ernie Kovacs died before Chevy Chase became a Success. They would have been BUDDIES! They would have gone on a trip to Waikiki together and Ernie would have driven a Car over a Cliff . . . See, that's a Joke about - "John! You just drove thru a RED LIGHT!!!!" "Oh My God! No Time to turn! I got to laugh cause I know I'm gonna DIE! WHY!!!"
TO HELL WITH THIS!
Lobsters1 is going to Move to Florida and Write Wacky Crime Fiction Paperbacks with Lovable Characters running around Schemin' an' Scammin' an' bein' all GOOFY AND STUFF!!! Florida is SO KOOKY!!! Has Quentin Tarentino ever been to Florida? OH CRAP! Lobsters1 has got to get to Florida before that damn Tarentino gets there and SOAKS every up! That NUT is going to go to Miami and there won't be anything left but an Old Jewish Man walking a Chihuahua on the Beach "Where did everything go, Schnookums?" And then Lobsters1 the Dumb Ass shows up "Where . . . Where are the CUBAN CHICKS!?!" Close Up of Lobsters1 looking around as if a Brick has just hit him on top of his Head while The Beatles Sing "Paperback Writer . . . Paperback Writer . . . " "SHUT UP, BEATLES! YOU DON'T MEAN ANYTHING IN MIAMI!!!!" Was that Lobsters1 or the Old Jewish Man? "It would be funny if it was Schnookums!"
Lobsters1 must have seen "Grown Ups 2" two million times but he did not find out that The J Geils Band is the Group playing at the Big Party at The End of the Movie until about Two and a half Minutes ago. Then Lobsters1 went "WHAT!?! The J GEILS BAND was the Group playing at The Big Party at The End of 'Grown Ups 2'?!? Really? That was Geils? I did not know that! I must have seen 'Grown Ups 2' two million times but I did not know that!! Well, I'll be damned! Can you beat that?! That was The J Geils Band in 'Grown Ups 2'!! Shit! J Geils in 'Grown Ups 2'!! Wow!!" for two minutes, went in the Bathroom, took a leak, washed his hands, and Posted this on The Lobsters1 Blog. Wow! The J Geils Band is in "Grown Ups 2"! Maybe if Lobsters1 watches "Grown Ups 2" another two million times he might notice that Rob Schneider isn't in it.
In 2017 they announced that "La La Land" was The Best Movie Of The Year and after a few seconds they said "Wait . . . Wait a Minute . . . That was a MISTAKE!" In 2018 they announced that "The Shape Of Water was The Best Movie Of The Year and after another Day or Two they'll say "Wait . . . Wait a Minute . . . That was a MISTAKE! Oh, Man . . . Whoooo! Did we really SCREW UP or did we really really SCREW UP!?! YIKES!!!!"
The Best Movie Of The Year is some thing about a Cleaning Lady that falls in Love with The Creature From The Black Lagoon and no one is talking about Russian Inteference in the Academy Awards? And Last Year - Is Lobsters1 really the only one to suspect the Machinations of the Oligarchs in that mess where Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway announced that the Movie nobody liked won the Oscar but then the other Movie that nobody liked really did win the Oscar?
And that loud Best Actress Woman, if she had not won would John Podesta have come out and told everybody to go Home and see what happens in the Morning?
Let's wrap this up before somebody starts whining about all those white guys in "Dunkirk". Or white guys with Clip Boards? Were there Clip Boards in "Dunkirk"? They should have made "Dunkirk" with Fish Men instead of white guys. They wouldn't have needed all those Boats!
Tom Steyer continues to blow Millions and Millions of Dollars in his Campaign to get Donald Trump Impeached. Doesn't this guy have anything better to do with his Money? If most guys had that Money they'd be spending it on Women or . . . "WHAT!?! WOMEN!?! You can get GIRLS if you have a lot of MONEY!!" "Wha . . . HELL YEAH, Tom, you can get GIRLS if you have a lot of MONEY!!!" "REALLY!?!" "Tom, you ever been to a Strip Club?" "A STRIP CLUB!?! ME?!?" "How much Cash have you got with you right now?" "Uh . . . I've got three and a half Million in that jacket over there." "Great! Tom and I are going out for a beer. Tom! Don't forget your jacket! Let me make a quick call . . . I need two tickets for the first flight to Vegas tomorrow Morning. Vegas? Make that Thailand, what the Hell . . . "
What Are We Going To Do About Matthew Perry?
Are we really going to sit around talking about Global Collusion and Russian Warming while the Beloved Star of "Friends" walks around looking like Bill Murray in a Wes Anderson . . . THAT'S IT! Matthew Perry is trying to do that Bill Murray thing where he's always wasted and everybody thinks it's Cute and Funny only when Matthew Perry is always wasted it's Sad and Depressing "I'm sorry I was such a Bad Influence on Matthew Perry!" says Bill Murray. How does Lobsters1 have such insight into Matthew Perry's problems? "Well, I was kind of secretive about this until I got my Movie Deal with The Lifetime Channel, but like Matthew Perry, I have been diagnosed with Bill Murray's Disease. Before I got my Life straightened out and started The Lobsters1 Blog I spent most of my Thirties and Forties wasted and thinking it was Cute and Funny when in fact it was Sad and Depressing. Yeah, I spent my Thirties and Forties on Booze. Luckily I saved my Tens, Twenties, and Fifties and bought a Boat! Ha Ha! See? NOW I'm Cute and Funny! "THAT was Sad and Depressing!" "OH, GODDAMMIT!!!" "Face it, some guy's Lives are Directed by Harold Ramis and other guy's Lives are Directed by Sofia Coppolla" WHAT?!?! THAT'S how it Ends? "Some guy's Lives are Directed by Harold Ramis and other guy's Lives are Directed by Sofia Coppolla"? What are you, FRENCH? You want me to Work Frank Tashlin into this? Cause I will! You mess with me and I will Work Frank Tashlin into this! Cause I will! You mess with me and I will Work Frank Tashlin into this!! "What!?! ? THATS how it ends? 'You mess with me and I will Work Frank Tashlin into this!"? OH, SHUT UP!
Are there Two Episodes of "Friends" where Matthew Perry looks kind of the same in one as he looks in the other? Cause every Time Lobsters1 ever watched "Friends" he thought "Hey, in this Episode Matthew Perry looks like the Bass Player in The Knack!" or "Wow! In this Episode Matthew Perry looks like Morey Amsterdam in 'Machine Gun Kelly'!" or "Wha? In this one Perry looks like some Drunk I threw off of a Roof in New York!" Did Matthew Perry have a Silly Putty Face back then or what? Every Day he'd come in with his Face all messed up from Little Kids pressing the Newspaper Comics Page up against it and they would try to get it to look as much as possible like it did the Day before. Is that why his Movie Career didn't Work out? "We don't have to spend an Hour getting PAUL RUDD'S Face to look as much as possible like it did the Day before!" Yeah, Matthew Perry Bits! I got beaten to a bloody pulp for doing CNN Bits so from now on it's gonna be Nonstop Matthew Perry Bits!
That new version of "The Odd Couple" version of "The Odd Couple" with Matthew Perry and Tom Lennon has got to be The Greatest. Lobsters1 has really got to check that out! When is it on? What? WHAT!? CBS cancelled "The Odd Couple" with Matthew Perry and Tom Lennon?!?! Oh, man! It was doing GREAT, but . . . "Man, we have been Working our asses off on this Show but Lobsters1 is still TOO BUSY to watch us! Who cares about Millions of devoted Fans and Viewers? If Lobsters1 doesn't watch us, what's the point? To Hell with it. I QUIT!" And they all went Home to sit by the Pool and drinking Vodka and weeping "WHY, LOBSTERS1? WHY?" Everybody in Hollywood retires and goes to Live in the Woods. That Blonde on "The Big Bang Theory" gets Married to a Wood Chuck. I would have checked out "The Odd Couple" but I was going through some stuff. Don't want to talk about it. Sorry, Matthew Perry. Sorry, Tom Lennon. Sorry, who ever Plays Murray The Cop. Oh, Lobsters1 was supposed to Play Murray The Cop? They were all sitting around waiting for Lobsters1 to show up and play Murray The Cop? SCREW THAT! Lobsters1 is going to get a Wood Chuck costume and put one over on that Blonde from "The Big Bang Theory"!
LOBSTERS1 IS BACK IN TOWN!!!
Lobsters1 had a Good Week End visiting The Folks. But it got off to a Bad Start Saturday Morning when Lobsters1 was Driving along the Interstate and a Big Stoopid Dog tried to run across the Road , got hit by a Car in the other lane, and was KILLED! Lobsters1 saw THE WHOLE THING! How can you deal with such a sight? By using the Psychological Digital Technology inside your Head to transform the Imagery of a Big Stoopid Dog getting hit by a Car and Killed into the imagery of Reba McIntyre as Colonel Sanders getting hit by a Car and Killed! YEAH! Just when it looked like Life was too much for Lobsters1 to handle Technology gives him the Strength to CARRY ON! YAY!
All this sudden talk about "Tariffs" and "Trade Wars"! , are those the Titles of two of the Movies Nominated for the Academy Award this Year? Of course not! If a Movie called "Tariffs" and a Movie called "Trade Wars" were were Nominated for the Academy Awards nobody would be talking about them any more than they're talking about the Movie about the Fish Man or the Movie about the Three Billboards! And yet People ARE talking about "Tariffs" and "Trade Wars" so those must be the Titles of a couple of Songs on the new Cheap Trick Album, right? YEAH! EVERYBODY is totally PSYCHED about the new Cheap Trick Album, right? Yeah, Rick jammin' on "Tariffs", Robin Singin' his ass off on "Trade Wars", right? RIGHT? MAN, I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG AROUND WITH YOU GUYS!!!!
The Trump Administration has gotten a lot of criticism for costly Air Travel at the Taxpayer's Expense. Wow, is that a rousing Open Sentence or what? Let's all get up and march around the room with our fists in the air! Look at em go . . . What a bunch of assholes . . . Give em the Tear Gas! Go find some Dogs we can chase em around with! Are we in Ohio? Yeah, that was bound to go too far, I guess. The Trump Administration has gotten a lot of ctiticism for costly Air Travel Each Morning I get up I die a little Can barely stand on my Feet . . . Lobsters1 Works in the Drive Thru Window at Dippitty Doo Do Nuts and when Trump Flies Thru the Drive Thru in Air Force One every Morning to pick up a Big Ol' Bag O' Do Nut Holes it is the Highlight Of The Day! A Jet Plane like Air Force One moves at a much faster speed than a Sleepy Working Stiff in a Toyota so Trump and I have to make our Do Nut Holes-Do Nut Dollars Hand Off JUST RIGHT! One Morning Trump got his Thumb stuck in the Window and his arm stretched out to the length of about Three And A Half Miles. He could stick his arm out the Oval Office Window and pick up a Quarter Pounder With Cheese from a variety of McDonalds' Locations around Washington DC. Trump had no problem with an Arm Of Monster Length but his Tailor objected to adjusting one sleeve on every one of his suits so Surgery was required. Trump's Doctor said "Oh! The Tailor leads a Life Of Liesure but I gotta slave away like Hawk Eye Pierce!" Well, that turned out to be kind of silly. It's a boring Morning in the Drive Thru Window at Dippitty Doo Do NUts. Uh Oh, here comes that Sleepy Guy In The Toyota. Let me see if I can get one of his thumbs stuck in the Window . .
Monday was a fun Internet Day because so many People On Line had no idea about Kevin Smith having a HEART ATTACK. Telling People about Kevin Smith having a Heart Attack and watching them go out of their Minds was a lot of Fun. Especially if, like Lobsters1, you don't give a crap about Kevin Smith. IF ONLY THAT FAT FOOL HAD DIED! Spending the Evening telling People on the Internet that Kevin Smith was Dead would have been a Million Times more fun than Watching any Movie THAT FAT FOOL ever Directed. No, wait . . . If Kevin Smith had Died it would have been a much Bigger News Story than him just having a Heart Attack and everybody would have already heard about it. There would have been no need for anything from Lobsters1 at all. Like right now . . . "HEY, LOBSTERS1!!! SOMEBODY THREW UP IN THE LADIES' ROOM!!! GO CLEAN IT UP!!!!" Oh . . . Yeah, see? Lobsters1's Existence has Meaning after all! "STOP SCRIBBLING IN THAT NOTEBOOK AND GO CLEAN UP THAT PUKE!!!"
Would it be Funnier if Lobsters1 got a Cat and Posted Videos of it On Line instead of all these Comedy Bits? Because if the Comedy Bits on The Lobsters1 Blog were Cats they would be those Sad Sick Old Cats you see on SPCA Ads that have been left out in the Cold all Winter long with nothing to eat but horrible scraps of rotten food they dig out of the Trash. Those are not Funny Cats. Those are "GET THAT DISGUSTING THING OUT OF HERE!!!!" Cats. Just like Lobsters1 was a "GET THAT DISGUSTING THING OUT OF HERE!!!" Stand Up Comic. So, Yeah, Lobsters1 will get a Cat . . . Lobsters1 goes into a Pet Shop and as soon as all the Cats, Dogs, Hampsters, Parakeets, Fish, Turtles, and Lizards see him they burst out of their cages, tear him apart, and eat him. Then the Pet Shop Lady sees what's left of Lobsters1 and declares "GET THAT DISGUSTING THING OUT OF HERE!!!"
Lobsters1, wearing a collar with a little bell on it, stands up on hind legs, makes gestures with paws, falls down, and DARTS out of the shot.
Forget about arming the Teachers, let's arm the STUDENTS! No, don't give the Kids Guns, put the worthless Punks in the Army and THEN give em Guns. What do we need High School for? High School today is just a bunch of Neanderthals wandering around looking for Drugs and Ass. Put em in the Army and they can go to horrible Third World Countries and PAY for Drugs and Ass while while Off Duty. Put em through Basic Training and they'll be able to do a lot more during an Attack than hide in a Closet. Did anybody hide in a Closet when the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor? Maybe they did but the Closet was on a Ship so the Closet Sunk when the Ship Sunk and they drowned anyway. WEird, make a School Shooting Joke and you're a Monster but make a Pearl Harbor Joke and you get a Series Deal from FX. Hey, Michael Rapaport, what do you think of that "Put all the Kids in the Army" Idea? 'KIDS IN THE ARMY! KIDS IN THE ARMY! I PICK NOSE! BOOGERS!" GOOD BOY.
What ever happened to Jason Segal? For a while there he was the King Of Show Biz but now he seems as Over The Hills And Far Away as Fred MacMurray. That wasn't a Put Down - Fred MacMurray is AWESOME! Fred Mac Murray may be Dead but Fred MacMurray ROCKS DA HOUSE!!! Sit down and make up a List of all the KICK ASS MOVIES Fred MacMurray was in while Lobsters1 sits down and tries to remember the Title of a Single Jason Segal Movie. Shit, it took a few Seconds just to remember the Guy's Name! And Fred MacMurray was on "My Three Sons"! What was the Name of the Show that Jason Siegel was on? Uh, is Lobsters1 going to have to resort to Google for that? Oh . . . "How I Met Vermont". Huh? I don't know. I never watched that crap. Hold a "My Three Sons" DVD in one hand and a "How I Met Your Mom" DVD in the other, repeatedly SMASH them together as hard as you can until one of them shatters into a MILLION PIECES!!! There will be Millions of "How I Met Your Mom" DVD pieces all over the place while that "My Three Sons" DVD will be keeping the Living Room Table dry from Cool Drink Perspiration Forever and Ever! Fred MacMurray Movie Coasters Standing Tall! He was in "The Caine Mutiny"! Jason Segal wasn't even in "This Is The End"! HA!
There may not be the usual Thirty or Forty Comedy Bits you usualy get here every day at the Lobsters1 Blog for a couple of Days. Lobsters1 has to Work on an Article for Acid Logic, The Web Zine That Owes Lobsters1 A Fortune. Lobsters1 has been Writing for Acid Logicever since the Late Forties when Acid Logic was just a few Dirty Jokes scribbled on the Men's Room Wall at Skeezix's Bar And Grill in Bakersfield, California. Writing Comedy Material for a Bathroom Wall was Fun but did not look Good on a Resume. Lobsters1 Resume was so pathetic when we put it up on the Bathroom Wall and it was SOCKO! BABY! SOCKO! Finally the Internet came along and we could pretend to be Comedy Writers like the Girls at analqueens.com can pretend to be Actresses. Oh, wait . . . They get paid, don't they? That wasn't a very good comparison. So dont FLIP OUT if you look at the Lobsters1 Blog and there are only there are only Ten or Eleven Comedy BIts instead of the usual Sixty or Seventy - Lobsters1 is Writing an Article for Acid Logic! Check out the current issue at www.acidlogic.com Oh! And before Lobsters1 can start Work on that Article he has to get a Tumor removed from the inside of his Head. Hey, maybe this Article is gonna better than usual!
OH, Wait! Here's Something Lobsters1 Can Put On The Blog Just For Filler . . .
Here is a Comedy Bit Contributed by our recently Hired Staff Member, Internationally Recognised Moron MICHAEL RAPAPORT!
WHY I SCRATCH MY BALLS BY MIKE R
I SCRATCH BALLS FEEL GOOD
TAKE DOG TO VET
VET CUT OFF DOG BALLS
HA HA STOOPID DOG HA HA
And THAT'S after Lobsters1 Rewrote so it might make some sense! But it's worth it cause the Federal Government is paying Lobsters1 to keep Rapaport out of trouble. Although if that clown is still being allowed to Act in Movies and TV Shows while we're cleaning up after him he is going to get . . . Eh, If Lobsters1 Writes about what he's going to do to Rapaport and then actually does it . . .
"MISTER LOBSTERS1!!! PLEASE DON'T LOCK ME UP IN THE CAR TRUNK!!!"
Better cut out that part, too. And better find a different place to carry him aside from the Trunk. What a Pain In The Ass!
SOMEBODY ATTACKED CHEVY CHASE!?! Who would do such a thing? Well, yeah, Bill Murray. But that was Forty Years ago, like everything interesting about Chevy Chase and Bill Murray. But Lobsters1 thinks Chevy Chase is THE BEST! If it wasn't for Chevy Chase there woud be no Lobsters1! No, Chevy Chase isn't Lobsters1 's Dad. If Chevy Chase was Lobsters1's Dad Lobsters1 would have been one of the guys that played Rusty in the "Vacation" Movies. - Michael Anthony Hall or or the mope who played that Chickenshit Guy on "The Walking Dead". Uh, looking back on Lobsters1's Life he would be played by the Chickenshit Guy on "The Walking Dead". When Lobsters1 was a kid he Wrote a stupid fan letter to Chevy Chase about wanting to be a Comedy Writer when he grew up and Chevy Chase picked up an ink pen, graded all of the Spelling and Grammar in the letter, gave it a C+, and sent it back to Lobsters1. Lobsters1 thought that was kind of fucked up but Twenty Years Later realised that it was really funny. And that's Chevy Chase for you - He does something that you think is kind of fucked up but Twenty Years Later you realise that it was really funny. So Twenty Years From Now we'll look back onthis and have a Good Laugh - At Chevy Chase getting attacked. Not at anything in Lobsters1's C- Blog.
Everybody's miffed with Scott Peterson, the Security Guard who just stood there while . . . Well, you know . . . Hey, Wait a Minute!!! Scott Peterson? That name is familiar . . . Yeah! Scott Peterson, the guy who . . . Well, you know . . . Say, wasn't the "Big Bang Theory" Babe in that TV Movie about Scott Peterson? Let's look at a Picture of her instead of reading about . . . Well, you know . . . But we already had a Picture of Miss "Big Bang Theory" on the Lobsters1 Blog just a little while ago so here is a "Charmed" Era Picture of ALLYSSA MILANO!!!! Tht Show is Million Times better than . . . Well, you know . . .
Messin' With CNN . . .
Are the School Shooting Survivor Kids' comments on CNN scripted by the Network? Let's look at some Comments from these Brave Children that have been heard on CNN . . .
"Boy, those Jake Tapper Cartoons are FUNNY! Jake Tapper Cartoons on Sunday Morning are the Entertainment Highlight of my Week!"
"Jake Tapper is a Cartoonist God! Seth McFarlane is not good enough to shine Jake Tapper's Shoes! They let Seth McFarlane Host the Academy Awards, when are they going to let Jake Tapper Host the Academy Awards?"
"Jake Tapper could do a better Animated Show than 'Family Guy' or 'American Dad'! When is a Network going to give Jake Tapper Five Million Dollars to do an Animated Show? YAY, JAKE!!!"
"You know who else is GREAT? BROOKE BALDWIN!!!! I think she is . . . I'm sorry, you're going to have to pay me A LOT MORE MONEY to say that shit!"
It's only February but the Battle to get an Ace Frehley Balloon in this Year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has BEGUN! Hey, Ace! Get outta bed! The Battle to get a Balloon of your Crazy Self in the Thanksgiving Day Parade has BEGUN! "Oh, you should time it so the Alarm Clock goes off at the exact same instant you say 'BEGUN'!" Oh . . . Okay . . . "You make me listen to that before I can get some Coffee and I'm gonna strangle you." Okay, Ace.
STEP ONE IN "OPERATION GET AN ACE BALLOON IN THAT FRIGGIN' PARADE - Ace Goes To Macy's To MAKE THE CASE!
"Where's Mister Macy? Mister Macy! Mister Macy! I'm Ace Frehley! Say, what are you eating?"
"Ace, this isn't Macy's. You wandered into International House Of Pancakes by mistake."
"PANCAKES!?! DON'T MIND IF I DO!!
"Ace . . . "
"Look at me! I'm wearin' a stack o' pancakes for a HAT! I'm Guardin' Buckinham Palace!!!"
Eh , it's only February, right? We have plenty of Time to work on getting that Balloon in the Parade, right? We've done enough for now, right?
A TOP SECRET MEETING WITH TRUMP AND PUTIN !
"Here is Evil Plan, Comrade Donald!"
"Why are you talking like that? Who talks like that?"
"Sorry, just trying to sound all Espionage-like."
"Don't try so hard!"
"Anyway, here's the Plan - We buy ads on Face Book that will provke even more fussing and bickering during the Election than usual."
"Uh . . . So that's it?"
"Face Book ads? That's the BIG PLAN?"
"Yes, Face Book ads."
"Nothing like hacking into Computers to steal Votes and all kinds of crazy shit like that?"
"What? Is that even possible?"
"I don't know! But . . . "
"So what do you think of the Face Book thing? HARD CORE, huh?"
"Eh . . . Talk to me about it with your Scary Russian Mobster voice."
"Buy ad on Face Book! Much DISCHORD! Destroy Democracy!"
"Well . . . if you put it that way . . . "
"When Trump return Peter Frampton Eight Track?"
"Trump borrow Peter Frampton Eight Track! NO RETURN!"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You're a DICK!!!"
Rockin' Joe Scarborough has a new Gun Protest Song but but every time he starts to Sing it on "Morning Joe" everybody turns the TV off to go out and buy a Gun. So far eleven Guns have been bought by "Morning Joe" Viewers.
(Silence. Lobsters1 looks around)
Because only ELEVEN people watch "Morning Joe"! When he Sings his Gun Protest Song everybody watching "Morning Joe" buys a Gun. But only Eleven People watch . . . Oh! Turns out that every time Lobsters1 makes fun of Joe Scarborough in his Blog everybody shuts off their PC to watch "Mornng Joe". So now TWELVE people watch "Morning Joe".
(Silence. Lobsters1 looks around)
Hey, at least Silence is better than a Joe Scarborough Song!
Nothing Funnier than a Monkey so when Professional Monkey Boy Michael Rapaport got fired from Barstool Sports Lobsters1 immediately gave him a Job here at The Lobsters1 Blog. We're starting him off slow cause we don't want to have to change his Diaper more than once an hour so his duties so far are just sticking his head in the toilet, flushing the toilet, and giving himself a "Swirlie". And then Rapaport goes over to The Dollar Tree across the Highway and Sings "Swirlie! Swirlie! I gave myself a Swirlie!" And the Lady Cashier over there at The Dollar Tree will change Michael's Diaper for a can of Mountain Dew! Why did they fire that guy from Barstool Sports? Oh, Yeah - He's a Monkey.
People are forever telling Lobsters1 that he went to High School with Patricia Clarkson. There are a Million things Lobsters1 does not remember from High School and one of them is Patricia Clarkson. "Oh, she is an Actress and she was in 'The Untouchables'?" There are a Million things Lobsters1 does not remember from "The Untouchables" and . . . "Sean Connery was in it, right? Did I go to High School with Sean Connery? Was Sean Connery with us when we all went to Biloxi to see Aerosmith and they SUCKED?" "THAT SUCKED!!!" "What sucked, Sean?" "THAT CONCERT SUCKED!!!" "I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE SAYING!!!" But getting back to Patricia Clarkson, was she one of those Hot Lesbians in "Bound"? NO? Well, to Hell with her. So what if Lobsters1 went to High School with her? What is Lobsters1 supposed to do, make a Comic Book called "My Friend Clarkson"? LOBSTERS1 DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
Wowie Zowie! That CNN thing with the School Shooting Survivor Kids was such a BIG HIT Fox News is gonna do a Show just like it with the Survivors of the next Islamic Terror Attack! Unless the next Terror Attack is in France, of course. That Show would SUCK! Especially if that Eagles Of Death Metal Band is involved. Hopefully the next Terror Attack in France will Feature a Cool Band like . . . It's hard to imagine what Fox News idea of a Cool Band would be. But Fox News will definitely have Marc Rubio on their Show because it's fun to watch people gang up on Marc Rubio. Maybe they can have Rand Paul getting ganged up on by ALL of the people in his Neighborhood AT ONCE. That would be HILARIOUS! Comedy Central should do that. But they'll screw it up and put Amy Schumer in it. Hey, a whole bunch of people in Syria got killed! CNN is gonna do a Show with Syrviving Surians just as soon as Jake Tapper can teach em to Speak English "Repeat after me . . . NRA kill my Family . . . NRA kill my Family . . . "
Lobsters1 feels bad about this - Lobsters1 already has so many things to feel bad about he is numb (At least in his Skull) - The Big Rumor is that Ben Shapiro, the Conan O'Brien of Conservative Media, is about to save Glenn Beck's ass by buying out his sorry mess of a Media Empire. Unfortunately for Glenn Beck, all those Phone Calls from Ben Shapiro are in Reality Lobsters1 doing a cruel Crank Call thing (Lobsters1 found Beck's Phone Number in the Yellow Pages under "Losers"). Ben Shapiro has no interest in buying anything from Glenn Beck. Ben Shapiro is too busy TALKING REALLY REALLY FAST to do anything but collapse on the floor when he is finally finished talking. Ha! Ben Shapiro "finally finished talking" - That's a Good One! Lobsters1 would do a cruel impression of Ben Shapiro TALKING REALLY REALLY FAST on his Pod Cast but he is hoping Ben Shapiro will buy out his sorry mess of a Media Empire. Hey, Ben! Check out www.thedevilisasissy.com ! Hell, Beck probably has a few bucks left left to throw away - Hey, Glenn! Get a load of www.thedevilisasissy.com !!!! You're dumb enough to think it's funny.
Lobsters1 had a thing with Asia Argento Years ago when he was in Italy playing "The Little Creepy Guy" in Lasagna Biker Movies. You know how they called Westerns made in Italy "Spaghetti Westerns"? They also called Biker Movies made in that crazy country "Lasagna Biker Movies". If Asia Argento wasn't Lobsters1's Regular Girlfriend he would have went to Germany and gotten a gig playing "The Little Creepy Zombie" in U Boat Zombie Movies. You know how they called Beach Party Movies made in Germany "Dive Bomber Beach Party Movies"? They also called Zombie Movies made in that creepy country "U Boat Zombie Movies". But Lobsters1 had Asia Argento so to Hell with Germany! Anyway, Lobsters1 had to break up with Asia cause she started getting too many tattoos. They were spending all their time in Tattoo Parlors! Lobsters1 had Lasagna Biker Movies to make! But Asia is cool. Next time you see her try to find her "Little Creepy Guy" tattoo.
Kids Say The Darnest Things . . .
Oh Dear. Did you see that High School Shooting Survivor Girl on CNN this Morning bragging about how it will be easy for them to beat the Second Amendment people because "We are making an EMOTIONAL argument and they are making a LOGICAL argument"? Wow. Oh Boy. And then she got to the "People in SHOW BUSINESS support us! People in the ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY support us!" bit. And I thought I felt sorry for those kids LAST Week.
Yeah, you Teenage Kids have a good reason to be all cranky and bummed out these days. But you're starting to get on our nerves so you're gonna have to listen to an Aerosmith Album and cheer the fuck up. Here, sit down and listen to "Rocks"! We used to listen to "Rocks" every day when were Teenagers in the Seventies and it always cheered us up and if it doesn't cheer you up you're just assholes. You like that Song? "That's "Back In The Sadde"! I'M BAAAAAACK!!!! I'M BAAAACK IN THE SAAAAAAADLE AGAAAAAAAAIN!!!! I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!! Where are you little shits going? Another Anti Gun Rally? Shoulda played em some Ted Nugent. Where's that "Double Live Gonzo" Eight Track? Oh, they're gone. I hate being around them anyway. Let's listen to the first Cheap Trick Album.
People in Canada are so heartbroken over Rush breaking up that Trudeau guy can't wear Cute Funny Socks any more. What good is that Trudeau guy without Cute Funny Socks? First no Rush and then no Cute Funny Socks from that Trudeau guy? Our Neighbor Nation to the North is Going South! Uh, sorry, Canadians - That was a Joke "How can you make Jokes when we have to learn to Live without Rush and Cute Funny Socks . . . " I think you're getting a little carried away with the Cute Funny Socks" "If that Trudeau guy can't wear Cute Funny Socks he might start wearing FLIP FLOPS!!" "I just saw NEIL PEART going out to check the Mail Box in front of his House and he was wearing FLIP FLOPS!!!" "The only thing that will hold our Nation together is a Kids In The Hall reunion!" Eh . . . I'm pretty sure there is going to be a Kids In The Hall reunion any way. "Well, how about a Loverboy reunion?" I didn't know Loverboy was a Canadian Band. "Wha . . . You must be an American." You're Goddam right! "What are you doing in this conversation?" What am I . . . This is my Blog! "Well, Write a thing about Rush getting back together and then at least everything will be Okay here at this Blog." Let me try that . . . Hey! RUSH IS GETTING BACK TOGETHER AFTER ALL!!! They're recording a new Album and then they're gonna do a WORLD TOUR!!! "Oh, well, I'm going to wear my Socks with the little guys walking around in short pants all over em!" Yeah, you do that, Trudeau guy. I'm going to . . . Anywhere but here.
Today was President's Day and that means all the Ex Presidents got together in the Backyard to Barbque a little, drink some Beer, blast a little Creedence, and throw Jimmy Carter into the Pool a few Times. Keep throwing him into the Pool until he has a Psychotic Flashback to when he fell off of a Submarine during World War Two and does something funny. Goddam, it is FUNNY when Jimmy Carter has a Psychotic Flasback! It's the Highlight of the President's Day Party! Who needs a Fireworks Display when you've got Jimmy Carter splashing around in the Swimming Pool screaming about a Submarine? It is SO FUNNY!! Oh, John McCain doesn't think that's funny? Screw John McCain. Oh, you didn't like that? I didn't say "Screw Jimmy Carter" Lobsters1 has the utmost respect and admiration for Jimmy Carter. No, not because he was a Great President. Lobsters1 has the utmost respect and admiration for Jimmy Carter because it is SO FUNNY when he has a Psychotic Flasback and starts screaming about Submarines! IT IS SO FUNNY!!! You think John McCain could ever be that funny? NO WAY! You know what happens when you throw John McCain into a Swimming Pool? He just sinks to the Bottom like a Sack Of Clams until Lindsey Graham dives in and saves him. Which is pretty funny but then you have to watch Lindsey Graham give John McCain Mouth-To-Mouth and then you have to watch Jennifer Connolly's Ass-To-Ass Scene in "Requiem For A Dream" to cheer yourself up. Jimmy Carter is funnier than that. Uh . . . Probably should have stopped before getting to the John McCain stuff, huh? The GOP should have stopped before getting to the John McCain stuff in 2008 but that's . . . Eh, Screw President's Day! Why did Lobsters1 have to go to Work? Lobsters1 had to go to Work on President's Day but you didn't have to go to Work on President's Day? Drop Dead, man! DROP DEAD!!
Ellen degeneres wants to be that guy in the Trivago Commercials so bad it is killing her!! "She thought she was doing so well with that Day Time Talk Show and a Girlfriend that was really cute on TV back in the Nineties. But then those damn Trivago Commercials came along and Ellen's Existence has been stripped of all Meaning!" "That Guy! THAT GUY! I have GOT to be THAT GUY!! He is EVERYTHING I have ever set out to be!" Degeneres' Representatives have made a generous offer to the Trivago Guy's Representatives to have him take over Ellen's Talk Show and Girlfriend that was really cute way back in the Nineties so Ellen can take over the Trivago Commercials and whatever the Trivago Guy is involved with "It doesn't really matter what kind of person that Trivago Guy is messing around with, Ellen has the utmost respect and understanding for anyone on the Infinite Spectrum of Human Sexuality - Ellen just has to be the Trivago Guy no matter what it takes to be the Trivago Guy!!!" Unfortunately, the Trivago has said that if he did a Talk Show it would be something like "that really cool one Craig Kilborn did on CBS for a little while" and who ever he is messing around with is "way cuter RIGHT NOW than Ellen's Girlfriend was on 'Ally McBeal' way back in the Nineties. WAY cuter! A WHOLE LOT CUTER!!!" Be nice, Trivago Guy "Craig Kilborn RULES!!!" Okay.
Lobsters1 is making so much Money off of The Lobsters1 Blog he could have retired from Working in the Drive Thru Window at Dippitty Do Do Nuts. But he's still Working there because the Owners of Dippitty Do Do Nuts agreed to rebuild the Location Lobsters1 Works at using Lobsters1's OWN DESIGN! The Guy isn't just a Comedy Sensation, he is an Archetechtural Whiz! Just look at this Picture of the rebuilt Dippity Do Do Nuts at 1300 Peckerhead Drive! DIG THOSE ELEPHANTS! Lobsters1 designed them! By the way, when you want to pick up a Cup of Coffee and some Do Nuts at The Drive Thru Window at Dippitty Do Do Nuts Drive Thru Window just pull up to those Stairs in the front, go around the first Elephant on the right . . No, No . . . The first Elephant on the left . . . Hold on a sec . . . Wait a minute . . . What? I'm FIRED?! Well, if I gotta go I'm taking my Elephants with me! And . . . I don't owe you Money! YOU owe ME Money! DIPPITY DO DO NUTS IS NOTHING WITHOUT LOBSTES1!!! NOTHING! Aw . . . crap.
They wanted Andrew Dice Clay to Play Colonel Sanders like all the other Comics who Played Colonel Sanders in those KFC Commercials but the Deal fell through when Dice insisted his Buddy Vinnie The Squid be in the Commercials with him dressed up like Popeye The Sailor "Cause I like Popeye's FRied Chicken better than KFC's Fried Chicken! Popeye's is THE BEST! KFC is Okay but if you don't wanna go all out and say 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' you're half assed and I ain't eatin' no half assed chicken!! Hey, I'm willing to wear the beard! I'm a Team Player! I ain't shaved since Tuesday! What? Them other guys that were doin' the 'Colonel Sanders' thing were wearin' FAKE Beards?!?? That is HALF ASSED!!! I AIN'T WEARIN'NO HALF ASSED BEARD!!! I ain't gettin' involved in this half assed operation! Vinnie, take off that Popeye The Sailor costume! I'm gonna put on that Popeye The Sailr Cotume and I'm gonna go make some Popeye's Fried Chicken Commercials that are gonna kick them half assed KFC asshats right in the ass! Uh . . . Better yet, take off that Popeye The Sailor costume and take it to the Dry Cleaners before I put it on. You're a Great Guy but you're sweatin' like . . . I better not say that! I'll lose myPopeye The End.
Wow, are Professional Basketball Players THE COOLEST GUYS IN THE WORLD or what!?! Man, if you don't make at least Fifty Million Dollars a Year, have sex with at least a Dozen Women a Day, and threaten to kill somebody at least Once every Three Minutes you are a LOSER! Well, I'm pretty sure Professional Basketball Players have a better word for it than "Loser". What does Lobsters1 know? He doesn't make Fifty Million Dollars a Year, have sex with a Dozen Women a Day . . . Oh, but he DOES threaten to kill somebody at least once every Three Minutes. That's why Lobsters1 gets his ass kicked at least Once Every Three Minutes. That guy is such a . . . Lobsters1 has really got to find out what word Professional Basketball Players . . . . . . Aw, To Hell with those retards.
Ever heard of Barry Crimmins? He's a Stand Up Comic and Anti Kiddie Porn Activist. Originally Jon Stewart was going to be the Anti Kiddie Porn Activist but then Comedy Central offered him a job Hosting "The Daily Show" so George Lopez was going to be the Anti Kiddie Porn Guy. But then ABC offered Lopez a Sit Com so Kevin James was going to do the Anti Kiddie Porn thing until CBS asked him to do "The King Of Queens". Finally America's Kiddie Porn Problem was so Horrific they turned to Lobsters1 but Lobsters1 told em "SCREW THAT! I'm gonna do a COMEDY PODCAST and by 2018 it's gonna be THE BIGGEST PODCAST ON THE INTERNET and I'm gonna be a ZILLIONAIRE!!!!" So then . . . Oh, yeah . . . Barry Crimmins. Or is it Krimmins? Who cares?
What can we kid around about on the Blog that will get your Mind off that High School Shooting? How about that ROB PORTER guy? Is that funny? A WIFE BEATER has been Working in the White House and The Chief Of Staff knew about it The Whole Time? Is that funny? Hey, how about if a guy who SHOT A BUNCH OF KIDS WHILE HE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL was Working in the White House and the Chief Of Staff knew about it The Whole Time? That could be funny. Yeah, we find out that the guy who shot up that School in Sandy Hook has been Working in the Oval Office with Donald Trump for more than a Year. Trump finds out and he's all "HUH? That was the SANDY HOOK Guy? So THAT'S where I saw him before. I thought maybe he was one of the kids from 'Head Of The Class'. Huh!"
Well, we sure Hope you enjoyed this Comedy Bit and it helped you forget about all those kids that got shot! The NRA paid us a lot of Money for that and we want to get paid a lot of Money again the next Time a bunch of kids get shot.
Those Exercise Machines they are trying to sell to Fat People these days are too delicate looking. Fat People go through Life avoiding any kind of contact with anything that might break under the pressure of their tremendous bulk. Anybody who weighs more than One Hundred And Eighty Pounds gets on top of those silly Machines and it is obviously going to fall apart before they can lose more than Fifteen Pounds. And those Machines aren't anything any Fat Guy wants to have collapse beneath him - Too many pointy looking things he might get impaled on and explode like a Big Squishy Zeppelin. It was terrible to see the Hindenburg explode but seeing General Hindenburg explode would have just been kind of gross. That's why they didn't have any crazy Exercise Machines in Germany One Hundred Years Ago If only German Industry had gone to Work Manufacturing Pointy Exercise Machines instead of Dive Bombers and U Boats! Has Lobsters1 kind of wandered off here? That's OK, if Lobsters1 had not been Writing he would have wandered off and gotten lost in some strange Neighborhood again. But at least all that wandering gets him exercise without having to buy some stupid Machine. He's saving up for a U BOAT!
The FBI is catching flak for neglecting to check out Warning Signs on the latest High School Killer "Well . . . FUCK!!!" a Bureau Spokesman replied "You told us to go out and Work Morning, Noon, And Night to get Donald Trump locked up for the rest of his Life and now you're coming at us over some Loser in Florida? I knew taking orders from the People who lost the Election instead of the People who won the Election was STUPID! I just took a Job Managing a Wendy's and if I ever see you in there we're going to be serving Chili made out of your Kids. FUCK YOU!"
Wow, TV News sure is EXCITING when they bring the People who hate Guns on to SCREAM and YELL at us! You turn on the News and everybody is sitting around drinking Coffee and being Nice and Polite. But then some Guy who HATES GUNS comes on and it's like some Movie from the Seventies when Robert De Niro and Al Pacino suddenly appear. He's SCREAMING and YELLING and BANGING ON THE TABLE and RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE PICKING UP THINGS AND THROWING THEM ACROSS THE ROOM - HOT DIGGITTY DAWG, it is FUN!!! But then he goes away and everybody just picks up their Coffee Mugs "Hhhmmm, Food for Thought!" "He certainly raises some interesting questions . . . " and you fall asleep. Why can't the News ALWAYS be like that? There are THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of People in America that would be Fun to watch act like Assholes on The News. Why don't they bring People who Hate . . . Oh, Drugs or Abortion or Pornography on The News to SCREAM and YELL like the People who Hate Guns get to do all the Time? NON STOP MAYHEM!!!! It would be HILAAAAARIOUS!!!! Why do the Gun Haters get to . . .
Oh, apparently Lobsters1 has gotten his Dumb Ass in Trouble again. Better Wrap This Up before . . . Before WHAT!?! Shut Up and drink your stupid Coffee.
OH, HEY, WOW, MAN!!! The guy on the Radio just said that RUSH BROKE UP!!! Hhhmmm . . . I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this . . . If I was talking to that guy at Work that no one can believe hasn't gotten Fired yet about this I'd be all "Oh, man! Dude! RUSH BROKE UP!!! Bummer! OH!" But if I was talking to the guy who delivers Pizza and hangs out for a while hoping I've got weed or something I'd be all "Rush broke up!?! It's about TIME!! RUSH SUCKS!!! Who the hell Writes a Song about TOM SAWYER? Shit, not even Mark Twain Wrote any Songs about Tom Sawyer! STUPID CANADIANS!!!" So, what would I say to the one guy who reads the Lobsters1 Blog about Rush breaking up? Oh, it's not a guy? It's an IMAGINARY RABBIT!?! Hey, an Imaginary Rabbit is better than MARK MCGRATH!!!
Why is that dopey "Centerfold" the only J Geils Band Song that they play on the Radio? Geils has a MILLION Songs that are better than that "Na Na Na Na Na Na" shit! Like that one . . . The one with the Guitar and the Drums . . . No, that's a Stones Song. Sorry! How about that other J Geils Record, the one about that chick that is so goddam HOT? Oh, that's a ZZ Top Record, ain't it? That's a COOL SONG! How about the one that's about Three Minutes Long and was originally released on Vinyl and . . . Oh, that Robert Palmer? Wow . . . OH SHIT!! Is that "Centerfold" on the Radio right now? God, that WHISTLING AT THE END!! That has got to be the WORST THING John Cougar Mellencamp ever did!
The Smithsonian hath blindsided the Populace with the Official Portrait of Barak Obama which presents his nibs being devoured by a hedge. The adorable Ex Prez gazes plaintively at the viewer "Say . . . uh . . . Give me a hand with this hedge! It's doing some serious chomping on my buttocks here! I'd get up off of this chair and ahem, BUST A MOVE, ahem but I am sitting for this Portrait. What a way to go. Hurry up and paint, My, uh, Brotha! Did you catch that? I said 'Brotha' rather than 'Brother'". The First Lady also debuted a Portrait in which she is shown wearing a skirt big enough to smuggle Twenty Eight Mexicans and a Pick Up Truck full of Marijuana across the Border "You can't search up her skirt, it's Michelle Obama!" "Ain't no Mystery what she's got in THAT skirt!" "Have some dignity. You're a Border Patrolman." "Hey, Border Patrol!" calls Barak Obama from his chair "Give those Mexicans some hedge clippers and give me a hand over here! She gets a Pick Up Truck full of Marijuana and I get a Man Eating Hedge! Shucks!"
The Five Hundred and Eighty Two Year Old Woman on the Supreme Court did an interview on Television the other day and managed to stay awake a few Minutes longer than anyone who tried to watch the thing. After a three hour nap every one woke up and the Old Lady said "What happened? Did those Planned Parenthood people say I can retire yet?"
Nobody is watching the Winter Olympics on TV because nobody gives a shit. They can't sell Advertising for that garbage so, instead of Commercials, the Network Executives reeenact "Seinfeld" Episodes with Marionettes made out of stuck together Raisinettes. They told the Men's Ice Skating Team to just go Home "Nobody wants to look at you! You SUCK!" The only Male Ice Skater who can sty is that gay guy who's trying to pick a fight with Mike Pence "Maybe Mike Pence will lose his temper and throw a punch at Loudmouth McSparkles over there." Rumor has it they sabotaged that Ice Skater Babe's costume so her Top would fall off and Lobsters1 might take an interest "To Hell with that!" Lobsters1 says "I was dating a Former Pro Ice Skater at the Height of the Tanya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan shit and . . . Lobsters1 stops, stares of into Space, puts on a Chris Bell Record . . .
"Vice President Pence! That gay guy ice skater says you look like Race in that Episode of 'Johnny Quest' where Race gets drunk and puts on a dress and does a Marlene Dietrich impersonation!" "He did not! You're just trying to get my goat! I am a grown up adult man and will not be manipulated by your silly Head Trips!" "'Head Trips'? That's a strange thing for YOU to say!" "I shook hands with a member of Our Nation's Cross Country Skiing Team and I fear he was a Bad Influence on me Spiritually. He gave me a Psychedelic Music CD by a Drug Addict named John Denver." "JOHN DENVER!" "I threw it in the snow and a Korean Child ate it." "Hey, now that gay guy ice skater says you look like Race Bannon in that Episode of 'Johnny Quest' where Race gets caught in a Hotel Room in Thailand -" "There was no such Episode! You're thinking of the Episode of 'The Jetsons' where Mister Spacely gets caught in a Hotel Room in -" "That's it, Pence! Pack up your shit! You're going back to Washington DC to say something stupid about Wife Beating like all the other guys!" "Cool!" "'Cool'? We gotta keep him away from those Skiiers!"
TV Comedy Shows always make fun of Politicians so it's suspicious when they DON'T make fun of a particular Politician. NO, Lobsters1 is NOT complaining about them not making fun of Obama! Why would they? OBAMA IS PERFECT!! There, has everybody calmed down? Jesus! But what about JOHN EDWARDS? How come there was never anybody on TV doing a crazy John Edwards impression? The guy was HILARIOUS! He had a dopey Hick accent, his eyes crossed when he talked, he wiped his nose with the back of his hand on Live Television, he knocked up some Blonde while his Wife was dying of Cancer . . . Okay, his Wife dying of Cancer wasn't very funny. Let's say that his Wife drowned while she was running around with Ted Kennedy in the middle of the night and he drove the car off of a Bridge - John Edwards was HILARIOUS!!! Did they ever do a John Edwards impression on "Saturday Night Live"? They never even did a Ted Kennedy impression! I CALL BULLSHIT!
Why is Mike Pence out there in the middle of the Winter Olympics? So he can be a Punching Bag for some gay ice skater? Do ice skaters even use Punching Bags? They do now that they've got Mike Pence hanging upside down in the Locker Room. Is he going to go to the Academy Awards so all those Hollywood people can put on their Transylvanian Villager costumes and chase him through the backlot Forest set with CGI Torches and CGI Hounds as if he is Boris Karloff? Mike Pence would probably be the only one there who remembers who Boris Karloff was "Boris Karloff was an OLD WHITE MALE!" rants Jennifer Lawrence "Was Boris Karloff in that Civil War Comedy where the Good Guys were Confederates and the Bad Guys were . . . I'm confused!" "No" says Mike Pence "That was Buster Keaton!" "Didn't you learn your lesson from when you went to 'Hamilton'?" Jennifer Laerence always gets the last word. She shuts up faster that way.
These Days it's supposed to be Cool to sit around and talk about how "The Room" is the Worst Movie Ever Made. "The Room" is pretty bad but it is not The Worst Movie Ever Made. The Worst Movie Ever Made is "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell", the Movie based on the lousy Book by Tucker Max about getting Drunk and picking up Bimbos. "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" is such a terrible Movie the original cut of "The Room" had a scene with Tommy Wiseau laughing about it "Oh, SHIT! I saw THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE last Night! 'I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell'! Based on the stupid Book by that Tucker Max idiot! You never heard of that Book? You never heard of Tucker Max? GOOD FOR YOU!!! This Movie is SO BAD the Big Climax has him getting the Runs but the Toilet in his Hotel Room is stopped up so he's running all over the Hotel in his underwear looking for a Toilet . . . I'm sorry! I shouldn't have brought that up! What a terrible Movie! So . . . You guys wanna go throw the Ball around?" Lobsters1 mentioned "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" to Tommy Wiseau at the Golden Globe Awards just a few Weeks ago (Lobsters1 was Working as a Bartender) and Wiseau said "HA! You don't see James Franco makin' no Movies about TUCKER MAX, right!?! HAHAHA!" And then James Franco came over "What are you guys talking about?" "Uh . . . Oprah's Speech." "Yeah, Oprah's Speech."
Saturday Night Blog Adventure!
Lobsters1 was driving to the Store when a Green Day Song came on the Radio so he crashed into a House. But the House Lobsters1 crashed into did not belong to anybody that Plays in Green Day so Lobsters1 was in Trouble. Even Worse! The Radio in his Car was still Working and they were playing "She's A Little Runaway" by Bon Jovi "OOOOOOHHH, She's A Little Runaway! Daddy's Little Girl! I Think I'm Gonna HURL!!!" Lobsters1 doesn't know the Lyrics. He doesn't even know how to Drive! Was Lobsters1 losing enough Blood to enter the Spiritual Realm or whatever else you call that George Harrison Jazz? People were yelling and Lobsters1 was sure Cel Phones were Recording it all so he would be on Face Book after he Died. Hey, Face Book may not be the Hifalootin' Spiritual Realm but, What The Hey! Lobsters1 is in Jail right now but he is probably going to die in a few Minutes so he doesn't need a Lawyer. He doesn't even need a Doctor! You got a Phone? Find a Shot of Rosario Dawson in "Death Proof" I can look at before . . .
CARL BERNSTEIN, THE OLD MAN WHO LIVES IN THE BREAK ROOM AT CNN
DON LEMON : The President has refused to -
CARL : When we investigating the Watergate Story Bob and I used to argue over which one of us was going to be Played by Robert Redford in the Watergate Movie and which one of us was going to be Played by Dustin Hoffman. I, of course, was the Robert Redford looking -
LOUDSPEAKER : Expensive Red Wine spill in Jake Tapper's Office!! Expensive Red Wine spill in Jake Tapper's Office!
CARL : OH! I gotta change the Water in my Mop Bucket!
DON LEMON : Can you vacuum my Office after you take care of that?
CARL : I'll do it for a Fig Newton!
America LOVES Hand Sanitizer Dispensors! If the Average American is ever more than Three Feet away from a Hand Sanitizer Dispensor they will DIE!!! But . . . Is it Hand Sanitizer we Love or is it Stuff someone else paid for squirting out of a Snazzy Machine we cannot do without? "What? Do those guys in New York want me to Write a Song about that?" SHUT UP, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN! The Truth is - Nobody gives a Damn about Clean Hands so from now on all those little Gizmos all over the place will be squirting RANCH DRESSING instead of stupid Hand Sanitizer! Imagine a World where every single one of us is never more than Two Steps away from FREE RANCH DRESSING!!! And you're going to say this isn't the Greatest Country Ever? NOT IN THIS BLOG, BUDDY! NO SIR! Go get me a Salad! With CREAMY ITALIAN! Huh?
Vice President Mike Pence and and Kim Jong Un's Sister sat real close to each other at the Winter Olympics. Of course Pence is such a Devout Doofus that if he just made eye contact with the alluring Oriental Temptress he would explode in a blazing Mushroom Cloud killing Millions of People and throwing Mankind back into the Stone Age "WOW! That didn't happen, did it?" No, it did not. Pence put a Brown Paper Bag over his Head so he could not see anything "WOW! He wasn't driving a Car, was he?" Shut up! Uh oh! BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! While Mike Pence and Kim Jong Un's Red Hot Sexy Sister were just a few feet apart . . . (Sings) So close! So close! So close and yet so far!" All right, Enrico Caruso! Just read the News! Just read the News! "CARRIED YOUR BOOKS FROM SCHOOL! MADE BELIEVE YOU WERE MARRIED TO ME!!!!" Sorry, just HAD to read that part! Anyway, while Mike Pence and that Fat Freak's Sister were at the Winter Olympics Pence had a Milkshake "Koreans have the BEST Milkshakes!" And while he was drinking the Milkshake Fat Boy's Sister took out one of those really long Korean Straws "Koreans have the LONGEST Straws!" " . . . and she held that Straw out ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE ROOM!" "And DRANK his Milkshake!" (Mike Pence holds up an empty Milkshake glass) "I HATE KOREA!!!" (Kim Jung Un flies over the Olympics on a Hang Glider) "HA HA HA! CARRIED YOUR BOOKS FROM SCHOOL!! MADE BELIEVE YOU WERE MARRIED TO ME!!" The Crowd is ecstatic! "This is the Best thing to happen to the Olympics since Hitler threw a fit over Jesse Owens winning all the Medals!" "Don't get me started on Jesse Owens!" says Hitler (Yeah, he was in Korea) "I am trying to enjoy my Milkshake!" "MILKSHAKE!?!" says Jesse Owens (He wasn't there. He was in the USA enjoying FReedom and Democracy) "I could go for a Nice Korean Milkshake!" Jesse Owens holds The Longest Korean Straw Ever from the USA all the way across the Ocean to Hitler's Milkshake and DRINKS IT (Hitler holds up the empty Milkshake Glass) "I HATE KOREA!! Among numerous other things. Ha Ha, I'm HITLER!" Meanwhile - Hey! Where did Mike Pence and Rocket Man's Sister go?" Mike Pence takes the Stage with Brian May and Roger Taylor of Queen and goes into his Freddie Mercury Act "Some enchanted evening, you might see a Fat Korean Dictator's Sister! You might see a Fat Korean Dictator's Sister across a crowded room!" Even Hitler is into it! "Once you have found a Fat Korean Dictator's Sister never let her go! John Deacon is so excited about Mike Pence Singing with Queen he comes out of retirement! "Once you have found a Fat Korean Dictator's Sister nevvvvvverrrrrrrr let her gooooooooo!!!"
Everybody is flippin' out over Quincy Jones and his crazy stories about Marlon Brando and Richard Pryor - DON'T BELIEVE THAT CRAP! Quincy Jones is always bull shitting. And Good For You if you've got no idea what Quincy Jones said about Brando and Pryor . . . Oh, OKAY - Quincy Jones said that when NASA faked the Moon Landing in a TV Studio in LA it was Marlon Brando and Richard Pryor climbing out of the Lunar Module and boppin' around in those Astronaut Suits "Yeah! Brando and Richard did it for One Million Dollars each! The Beach Boys were supposed to come out in scary Space Monster Costumes and chase Brando and Richard around to make things exciting for all the suckers watching on TV but that damn fool Brian Wilson was on drugs OF COURSE and he took off running down the Street crying about King Kong getting a Volswagon stuck up his butt so I called Neil Simon up on my Cell Phone - I built the very first Cel Phone out of an Alarm Clock and a Lava Lamp . . . " Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Quincy Jones, WHATEVER YOU SAY!
The Big Cultural Development of 2017 was Bill Murray's demotion from The Funniest Guy On Earth to Just Another Celebrity Asshole To Be Avoided At All Cost. Murray popped up on "Saturday Night Live" a few Weeks ago and was so bad it could have been Colin Quinn. If you don't know who Colin Quinn is Lobsters1 meant "it could have been Colin Quinn" as an insult. And if you don't know who Lobsters1 is he is some loudmouth who is probably getting punched in the mouth by Colin Quinn right now "Hey, let me get in on that action!" Bill Murray punches Lobsters1 in the mouth a few times "Hey, isn't that the jerk that was putting me down in his stupid Blog a few Weeks ago?" asks Dan Aykroyd as he comes in and puts down a half empty bottle of that awful Vodka he's been peddling now that his Movie Career is over "I was going to just call that guy a jerk but now that he's putting down my Vodka . . . " Dan Aykroyd cracks the bottle of Vodka over Lobsters1's head. He is such a prick! "Eh, you're entitled to call me a 'prick' in your Blog after I cracked that bottle of Vodka over your head. I'll give you a pass on that." Aykroyd turns away to leave "Yo! The guy called you a 'prick', man!" Bill Murray yells at Dan Aykroyd "You're going to let him get away with that? You PUSSY!!!" Dan Aykroyd stops, slowly turns around, and stares down Bill Murray "Just because you saved my ass by agreeing to be in 'Ghostbusters' you think I'm your punk. Well, now I am The Vodka King Of The Cosmos and I don't owe you a God Damn thing!" Aykroyd pulls out a Forty Five Automatic. The Ghost of Harold Ramis materializes "Don't do it, Dan! Bill wasn't the one that called you a 'Pussy'! Lobsters1 Wrote that in his Blog!" Aykroyd looks at Bill Murray "I'm Bill Murray. And Bill Murray doesn't BEG." Aykroyd looks over at Lobsters1. He is scribbling in a Notebook "Hold on a sec! I'm Writing a thing where you and Bill Murray are a couple of old Homos! HAHAHA!!! It'll be really funny!" Aykroyd aims the gun at Lobsters1 "Don't do it, Dan!" says Bill Murray "You're better than that!" Aykroyd thinks for a Moment and looks at the Ghost of Harold Ramis "John and I were like Brothers. But now he's sending me MESSENGERS!?" Ramis is confused "John? John WHO?" "John BELUSHI!" "Oh! I still haven't seen him since I got up there! I only hang out with Ed McMahon and Shemp from 'The Three Stooges'!" Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray, and Lobsters1 use "Ghostbusters" Technology to beat the shit out of Harold Ramis "This bit has run kind of long. I'll save the thing where you two are a couple of old Homos for later. HAHAHA!! It'll be really funny!" "We aren't going to have to do Drag, are we?" "'Drag'? Not in my goddam Blog!"
THE LOBSTERS1 BLOG IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES BECAUSE OF THIS CRAP BLOGGING SERVICE
Lobsters1 wanders into the Blog Singing at the Top of his Lungs . . . "Midnight at the Oasis . . . Send your Camel to bed . . Come on . . . Cactus is our Friend . . . OH! I didn't know you were here! Uh . . . Yeah, that was a Real Song . . . It would come on the Radio when I was a kid and we'd run over to the Station to make sure everybody was okay. Hey, what's on the PODCAST this Week? We've got about a Hundred Comedy Podcast Episodes piled up all over the Hard Drive from back when doing a Comedy Podcast still seemed like a Good Idea. So once a Week we pick one out at random . . . OH! This Week is "America Refuses To Believe That Barry Manilow Is Gay" with a picture of Donald Trump going "NO WAY!!!" Yeah, it's a silly Comedy Premise that kind of amusing for about for about Half A Minute but then then it goes on for Three Hours And Forty Five Minutes . . . Aw, Hell . . . www.thedevilisasissy.com "
KEEP POSTING BEFORE THE BLOGGING MACHINE BREAKS DOWN AGAIN!!!!
Lorne Michaels spends all his Money keeping every Comedy Variety Show that was on TV before he Created "Saturday Night Live" out of Syndication so no one can see that stuff about there being nothing good on TV before "SNL" is bullshit. Too bad he didn't have enough Money to keep everybody from seeing "The Carol Burnett Show". Michaels was on the Phone to all his Show Business Cronies "Hello, Mick Jagger? It's me, Lorne Michaels! Uh . . . Yeah . . . The Jew with the Big Bag Of Coke . . . Ahem! . . . Uh, can you give me a couple of Million Dollars to keep 'The Carol Burnett Shoout of Syndication? Aw, come on! How about just Half A Million? Come on!" He spent a Fortune to bury "The Sonny And Cher Comedy Hour". Man, when I was a kid we'd watch that Show and LAUGH OUR ASSES OFF!!! They had a bunch of Guys doing Sketches on that Show, all of those guys were as Funny as John Belushi or Dan Aykroyd! Who were those Forgotten Heroes Of TV Sketch Comedy? Lorne Michaels and and Dan Aykroyd and everybody on "SCTV" spent MILLIONS to get rid of those Guys . . . No, they didn't put a CONTRACT out on em or anything . . . (Telephone Rings) The Lobsters1 Blog! How can I help you? Oh . . . Hi, Mister LOrne Michaels! Uh . . . Yes, Sir . . . I'll take all that down from the Blog right away . . . Yes, Sir . . . I'm Sorry . . . I'm SO Sorry . . .
Lobsters1 tried watching the Sunday Morning News Shows and it was worse than going to Church! All of those Shows would be a lot better with a Little Old Lady Playing The Organ and a Coupla Dozen People who can't Sing to save their Lives hollering at the Top of their Lungs. It would be horrible but at least we wouldn't be able to hear whatever the News Assholes were saying. That's how awful it is to hear what those Scheming Scumbags have to say, it would be better to just let em Sing. They'll probably want to Sing something off of an old John Lennon Album, but what the Hell . . . And, no matter what you think of Religon, all of the Rodents on those Shows would be better off going to Church. Those People are HELLBOUND!! Next Sunday Morning Jake Tapper ought to go to Church and Pinhead from "Hellraiser" can Host his Show. I bet Pinhead can draw better Cartoons than Jake Tapper! But it was really great that everybody was trying to be Serious Adults because that Sunday turned out to be SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!!!!! They should have kept their Suits on all Day. By Kick Off they would have looked like The Pogues!
The Lobsters1 Blog will pay FIFTEEN DOLLARS to any Photographer that can get a shot of Keith Richards drinking from a Bottle of Ensure. If the American Public ever sees a Picture of that Legendary Bad Ass Of Chemistry drinking from a Bottle of Ensure our Culture will be thrown into such Chaos and Tumult People will be getting Married to Furniture and Fruit Salad will be Representing Defendants in Court. ALSO - The Lobsters1 Blog will pay TWENTY DOLLARS for a Written Statement from the Person whose Job it is to change Keith Richards' Diaper. Nothing too detailed, just enough to make it impossible for that Horrible Old Man to make a Nickle performing onstage in front of an audience. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I bet Ron Wood is the one that has to change Keith Richards' Diaper. That's why Bill Wyman quit The Stones. They told him that he was going to have to start changing Keith Richads' Diapers in a little while and he said "No I am not! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" Bill Wyman does need The Stones! He has a Big Money Deal Advertising those Bath Tubs with a Door on the Side (He beat Steve Miller for the Contract!)
People are always yelling about McCarthyism but McCartneyism was MUCH WORSE! If Paul McCartney thought you was a Commie he would Write a Dopey Little Pop Song about you and and make everybody listen to his Wife Sing it! Ooooo Woooo, it was BAD! McCartney Wrote a Song about Jane Fonda called "You Terrible Girl!" and everybody had to listen to his Wife Singing "You terrible girl! You went to Hanoi! You were cute in 'Cat Ballou' but then you went to Hanoi! Barefoot in the Hanoi Park! OUCH!!!" all day until we tore down Jane Fonda's House until she went to the North Pole to Party With The Penguins. Because "McCartney" sounds kind of like "McCarthy" and . . . Oh, Lobsters1 just found out that Paul McCartney just Wrote a Song called "Lobsters1 Is A Big Stupid Turd" and is going to make a Record of Yoko Ono Singing it. Lobsters1 has been DISSED! "KIDS NOT SAY 'DISSED' NO MORE YOU!!!" Shut up, Yoko!
That Movie about Jeff Dahmer in High School is so popular with the People who still haven't caught on that Edgy Indie Movies suck as bad as Hollywood Studio Movies that there will be a "Breakfast Club" remake with Jeff Dahmer as one of the kids instead of the Emilio Estevez character. Maybe he ate Emilio Estevez? Yeah, that's why you never hear about Emilio Estevez any more - Jeffrey Dahmer ate him. Yeah, a Movie where Teenage Jeff Dahmer goes to All Day Detention and eats everybody for Breakfast. You can find SOMEBODY in LA crazy enough to give you ten million dollars to make that ovie - Hire Judd Apatow's Wife to play one of the Teachers! Molly Ringwald and Judd Nelson will be in it for Tacos!
Steven Van Zandt spends so much Time looking for Tough Guy Dialogue from old Noir Movies to play in between the Records on his "Underground Garage" Radio Show he has stopped paying attention to the Records and has been playing the same old Dead Boys Record over and over and over again "But how about all that Tough Guy Dialogue from all those old Noir Movies, huh? That is some GOOD STUFF, am I right?" "Hey, Steve! Bruce just called!" "What? Am I gettin' kicked outta the Band?" "No, he wants you to pick up some Chinese Food for him!" "Okay!" "Oh, and The Dead Boys called!" "They want to Thank me for playin' that Record?" "No, they wanted me to tell you the Chinese people told em to paint the Main Dining Room so the place is gonna shut down at Six!" "Oh! What Time is it? Quarter to FIVE!?! See ya later, carburator! Gotta go grab some Sweet And Sour Kitty Kat for the Boss!!!" "You still have to call him that?" "It's worth it for the Free Egg Rolls!"
Johnny Depp showed up at the Super Bowl thinking that his Dumb Band was going to play during the Half Time Show "Hey, I'm here to ROCK the Half Time Show! I've got WINE, I call the Half Time Show 'THE HAVE WINE SHOW'! HA! Let me in! I'm JOHNNY DEPP!!" "Uh . . . What's in the Truck?" "Half a Million Dollars worth of WINE! I'm JOHNNY DEPP! Let me in! I'm Playng the Super Bowl with Alice Cooper and Joe Perry! The AEROSMITH guy! We're BUDDIES! Where are those guys? They're waiting Backstage for me to tell em what to do! It's MY BAND! I'm JOHNNY DEPP! Hey, Joe! Alice! We're gonna open with 'My Sharona'! Who is THAt guy? Why are you letting HIM in? TIMBERLAKE!?! Huh? This is SHOW BIZ! Call him by his SHOW BIZ NAME! Hey, VANILLA ICE! You want some WINE? Lemmee pour ya a Glass!" "Mister Depp . . . " "WHAT!?!" "Your Super Celebrity Secret Entrance is right here!" "Well, it's about TIME!! Muh Muh Muh My Sharona! Muh Muh Muh . . . Hey, Alice! Joe! Where are you guys? HEY!" They slam the back of the Truck shut behind him "HEY! WHY IS IT SO DARK IN HERE?! HEY!!" "Okay! Take him Hone!" "He doesn't have a Home! He has a Mansion!" "That's kind of profound for a Truck Driver." "I'm not just a Truck Driver . . . I'm JOHNNY DEPP'S Truck Driver!" "Huh?" "He Hired me when he was still The Most Beloved Man In American Entertainment." "Oh." "It's HEART BREAKING!!" "HEY, WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE THE SUPER BOWL HERE!!!!" "Phillistines!"
Is that Stephen Miller guy Working in the Trump White House ANTHONY WEINER IN DISGUISE!? Think about it, man! If Anthony Weiner was Secretly Smuggled out of Prison by the Clinton Machine what better hiding place for him than the Trump White House? It's such a GREAT IDEA that no way could a moron like Lobsters1 come up with it - SO WHO DID? "After a careful examination of every appearance by Stephen Miller on Video it is clear that 'Stephen Miller' is a character created entirely by by Professional Comedy Writers." My God! That's Brilliant! And exactly who were these Professional Comedy Writers, O Brilliant Person? "Well . . . Did you know that Anthony Weiner's College Rommate was . . . JON STEWART, THE MOST BRILLIANT MAN IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN COMEDY!?!" My God! Are you suggesting that . . . "YES! The Man that we have been lead to Believe is 'Stephen Miller' is in Reality Escaped Prison Inmate Anthony Weiner playing a silly Comedy Character created by Professional Comedy Writers under the Expert Supervision of Jon . . . " "Lobsters1, who are you talking to?" "Uh . . . I'm talking to . . . uh . . . "
Donald Trump is so upset about Stephen Colbert's new Cartoon Show about him he asked Lobsters1 to put together a Cartoon Show about Stephen Colbert. Seriously! Lobsters1 was in his room looking at Japanese Girls on the Internet when there was a knock on the door and, once Lobsters1 got over the disapointment of it not being a bunch of of Japanese girls knocking on the door but a Big Overweight Man With Funny Hair, he realised that it was the President Of The United States offering him a lot of Money to do a Cartoon Show about Stephen Colbert and then Lobsters1 woke up shouting "HELL YEAH, I"LL TALE A MILLION DOLLARS TO DO A CARTOON SHOW ABOUT THAT COLBERT ASSHOLE!!!" What a DUMB feeling. Every time Lobsters1 falls asleep dreaming about Japanese girls the stupid dream goes off on some tangent like Donald Trump wanting to do a Cartoon Show about Stephen Colbert or Harry Truman wanting to drop the Atomic Bomb on on Stephen Colbert or Lee Harvey Oswald shooting Stephen Colbert in Dallas . . . Oh, this is terrible. Life would be so much easier if CBS had replaced David Letterman with some really cute Japanese girls. Was "Pink Lady And Jeff" really that bad a Show?
It's Super Bowl Time! Show up too early, eat too much, get drunk, get in a fight, kill everybody, burn the house down . . . Yeah, visiting your Mom and Dad is always awful. Don't worry, Sunday you'll go to a Super Bowl Party and cheer up. Where's the Big Game this year? Minneapolis? Oh, Paul Westerberg is gonna Phone In the Half Time Show from his Basement. He left it on the Network's ANSWERING MACHINE! Get it? Sorry, now that Prince is gone there's not a lot about Minneapolis to make Jokes about. Or was Michael Jackson the one from Minneapolis? But he's dead, too. What the Hell is going on in Minneapolis? Oh, the Super Bowl. Everybody is hoping Janet Jackson will pop up in the Half Time Show. Or part of her anyway. My God, if you're counting on a member of the Jackson Family to save the day . . . "We Are The World" did more for Ethiopia than those people have done for anybody. But the Super Bowl . . . Who's going to Win? My Money is on "Phantom Thread" over "The Shape Of Water" . . . Sorry, this Time of the Year is too confusing.
Remember when The Black Keys were popular for a while and you couldn't go on line without that miserable Drummer bitching at you about some other stupid Rock Star? What's he up to now that he's Regular Loser like everybody else? "Man! I was in Wendy's getting a Cheeseburger and this ASSHOLE came in smoking a CIGARETTE! I mean, GODDAM! What is with people these days? CRAP! I thought I was gonna . . . Oh my God . . . NO wonder nobody liked me! I really am a TERRIBLE PERSON, aren't I? Gee, maybe I ought to get therapy, quit drinking so much Beer! Am I really saying this or is that Lobsters1 guy Writing one of his stupid Comedy Bits about me? Well, SCREW THAT GUY! Oh, look at me, getting all worked up over nothing again! When will I learn? Oh, look! A Text from the other guy in the Black Guys (Lobsters1 is too lazy to look up his name) He says he's dumping me from the Band! OH NO!" "What happened with the guy who was smoking in Wendy's?" "I don't know! That was just bullshit Lobsters1 made up. I've got Crabs."
Some guy on "Glee" got mixed up in a terrible Sex Scandal and committed Suicide by jumping in a River. "Hey, I didn't know you could do that!" said Louis CK and he jumped in a River.
MUSIC ; "Take Me To The River" By Talking Heads
MONTAGE : Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Al Franken, and all those other creeps jumping into Rivers
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN : Hey! I got a whole Album called "The River"!
LOBSTERS1 : Yeah, but that Album SUCKS!
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN : Ehhh, I have to get back to Work making sure no one in America finds out about all those cool British Bands . . .
What's in this Big Deal "Memo" they're fighting over in Washington? There's nothing about Lobsters1 in that Memo, right? No, we're not going to get into what Lobsters1 did or didn't do to get into some Memo, but if there's anything about Lobsters1 in that Memo WE ARE GONNA GO UP THERE AND WE ARE GONNA KICK ASS, RIGHT? Right? Where'd everybody go? Oh yeah, Lobsters1 does a silly Comedy routine about Beyonce's Big Butt and there's a whole Nightclub full of people drinking Beer and yucking it up - YAHOO! But when Lobsters1 gets in trouble and needs to needs to Raise Up A Mighty Revolutionary to Disconnect These Cables, Overturn These Tables everybody suddenlt remembers they have to go Home and clean out the Rabbit Hutch! No problem! It's Cool! But if that Memo comes out and there's something in it about YOU and your Rabbit Hutch Lobsters1 will be Right There at your Side ALL THE WAY! Which is no Big Deal cause you're so lame you'll just pass out on the Couch and all Lobsters1 will have to do is throw a blanket over you and keep an eye on you until the Stormtroopers break in and drag you off to GUantanamo Bay. I'm HERE for you, BRO!
A Train full of Republican Congressmen hit a Truck and the guy driving the Truck died. All those Republican Congressmen were in the middle of a Nazi Rally when they noticed that the Truck was on the tracks and they all yelled "LET'S ALL GET ON A TRAIN AND CRASH INTO THAT TRUCK AND KILL THAT GUY!!!" So they dropped their Torches and copies of "Mein Kampf", ran like Hell to the Train Station, got on the Train, began chanting "KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!" until the Track smashed into the Truck and they all passed in Ecstasy like Hitler when he found out Churchill had Hemmoroids (Eichman told him that just to cheer him up after Stalingrad) And all because they are EVIL. They would have ripped the Dead Guy apart and devoured his quivering flash but the Train's Crew was starting to regain conciousness "Stupid Little People!" Trump found out all about this and said "What am I? CHOPPED LIVER?" "WHAT?! Oh, he's from NEW YORK."
Having a Happy Flu Season? Wouldn't it be WEIRD if it was like "The Stand" and most of the Human Race Died in just a few Days and the only Human Beings left on Earth were the People who Read the Lobsters1 Blog? And, instead of Dreams about a Nice Old Black Lady Singing "What A Friend We Have In Jesus" and asking them all to come see her, all of the surviving Lobsters1 Blog Readers have Dreams about Lobsters1 in a Jacuzzi with Eliza Dushku, Thandi Newton, Lucy Lui, Rosario Dawson, Drew Barrymore from Twenty Five Years Ago, and that Good For Nothing Bai Ling and he's yelling! "DON'T COME AROUND!! STAY THE HELL AWAY!!! FIND YOUR OWN WOMEN!!! SCRAM!!!" And then you wake up all alone in a Hospital like Rick at the beginning of "The Walking Dead". Only you're no Bad Ass like Rick, you're just going to die and turn into a stupid Zombie. Or, how about if everybody who reads the Lobsters1 Blog woke up and there was an invisible DOME over each one of em?. Oh, Shut the Hell up.
With all this recent talk about The Academy Awards the only thing that comes to mind is - Why didn't "Evilspeak" win the Oscar for Best Movie of 1981? EVERYBODY knows that "Evilspeak" is The Best Movie Of All Time, what are the Academy Awards any good for if "Evilspeak", The Best Movie Of All Time, didn't win the Oscar for The Best Movie Of 1981?How could this Academy Awards thing go on for Thirty Six Years after such a massive screw up? And they wonder why every Year fewer people watch their dumb ass Awards Show than the Year before ? HA! What Movie got the Oscar in 1981 instead of "Evilspeak"? TO THE GOOGLE CAVE! Uh . . . In 1981 the Award for Best Picture - PICTURE?! No wonder Video kicked their asses so bad! PICTURE! . . . The Academy Award for Best Picture went to . . . What the Hell? . . . "Ordinary People"? What the Hell is "Ordinary People"? Nobody heard of no Movie called "Ordinary People" in their Life! Oh, Yeah, "Common People", Great Song! But "Ordinary People"? They screwed over Evilspeak" for . . . What? You never saw "Evilspeak"? You never heard of "Evilspeak"? I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG AROUND WITH YOU GUYS!!!!!
"'PABST BLUE RIBBON!!!!!'" . . . Silence . . . Trump looks around . . . "That was a 'Blue Velvet' reference. A little joke for the Democrats, just trying to cheer you up a little bit. I don't even know what the hell 'Blue Velvet' is. I'm not even sure what Pabst Blue Ribbon is - One of those crazy Energy Drinks? DON'T DRINK THAT SHIT!!! Eh, it least it got a laugh out of Lindsey Graham. Eh, let's get to Work with . . . Oh! A Kennedy! That's how little you think of me? You send another Kennedy after me? Even Ryan here laughs at that shit! Hey, Ryan . . . Get your ass down here and read the Speech for everybody. I'm going back to the Dump and watch my 'Seventies Show' DVDs . . . "
State Of The Union Address Tonight! What's gonna happen? Trump will come in, stand up in front of everybody, and when he is about to start speaking Nancy Pelosi pulls on a rope, and a tin bucket full of pig's blood falls on Trump's head. You know . . . like in "Carrie" . . . The Movie . . . With Sissy Spacek and John Travolta . . . Aw, now Lobsters1 has lost interest in the whole State Of The Union thing. Remember when Obama was doing the State Of The Union (And doing it better than ANYONE had ever done it before. Yeah) and that guy yelled "YOU LIE!!" ? Yeah, we all cracked up laughing but be quiet about that or we'll never get jobs in LA. Anyway, tonight when Trump is speaking Hillary Clinton is going to ride in on a Great White Shark that has evolved legs and crawled ashore and waving the decapitated head of the "YOU LIE!!" Guy on the end of a stick. Only now the "YOU LIE!!" guy is singing some godawful Pearl Jam Song or something. Go to Bed early.
Joe Biden just wants to PARTY but Losers say he's gotta be PRESIDENTIAL! "Hey, let's smoke a joint and listen to some DEEP PURPLE!!" "Joe, how are you going to be Elected President carrying on like that?" "COME ON, DUDES! Let's get WASTED and squirt Fire Extinguishers at Little Kids walking Home from School!" "Joe, Dwight Eienhower never squirted Fire Extinguishers at Little Kids!" " "AW, SURE HE DID!! Little German Hitler Youth Kids! That's how we won the French Indian War! Check it out - Mushrooms! BIDEN BE TRIPPIN', YO!" "Joe, you have to Work on putting together your Campaign Staff!" "It's all taken care of! I've hired Chevy Chase, Doogie Howser, and the Big Fake King Kong Head they built for Close Ups of Kong with guys in his mouth! FREAKY!" "Joe, what on Earth are you going to do with that?" "Gonna get Sid and Marty Kroft to turn it into a big Fake Joe Biden Head! Gonna put Republicans in my mouth and chew em up!" "Joe, you've got Margerita Breath!" "Margerita Bubble Gum! Got it at Jimmy Buffet Dot Com! CRANK UP THE DEF ELEPPARD AND GET DOWN!!!"
A Correction . . .
Jerry Van Dyke did not Die. He just stopped hollering at everybody about how great "Mary Poppin's" would have been with him instead of His Brother Dick. Yes, Jerry Van Dyke has finally come to terms with not being as Big a Star as Dick Van Dyke and now he's just quietly sitting on the Front Porch, at Peace with himself after . . . Where is he? The raccoons dragged him off. Okay, he's Dead.
Were The Grammies good? Lobsters1 was Working the Night Shift in the Drive Thru Window at Dippitty Doo Donuts. Grammy Night is always a big Donut Night and Lobsters1 enjoys Working in his Michael Jackson Costume. This Grammy Night was Extra Special Lobsters1 was high on Cold Medicine and forgot to collect Money for all the Donuts he was throwing all over the place. No, he didn't have a Cold, he was just high on Cold Medicine because when you are dressed up like Michael Jackson the Drug Dealers think you are an Undercover Cop. Cool thing about Working in the Drive Thru Window while DRessed up like Michael Jackson - People just have to take your Word on it that you are Moonwalking "I AM MOOOOOOOOONWALKIN'!!! REALLY!!" And then you throw forty seven Donuts out the Window and pass out for Ten Minutes. Lobsters1 will be Working in the Dippitty Doo Donuts Drive Thru Window Tuesday Night for the State Of The Union Address. Come to check out his Nancy Pelosi Costume. Same as the Michael Jackson Costume, you just don't need to make all the "Tito" Jokes.
Elton John is retiring from Music to raise his two Adopted Boys. Isn't it great that Michael Jackson is gone and you could read that sentence without wincing? Yeah, Michael Jackson is gone so instead of wincing you just make a terrible Joke. Or Lobsters1 does anyway. If Lobsters1 could make a Funny Joke he'd be in New York Hosting "The Tonight Show". (Don't get depressed! Keep on with the Elton John Bit And DON'T MENTION GEORGE MICHAEL) I don't know Elton John's kid's names - He just calls them "The Two Corys". "Hey, you've got Michael Jackson in my Elton John Joke!" "You've got Elton John in my Michael Jackson Joke!" "Tomato! Tomahto!" "Tomahto! Tomato!" "Let's call Susannah Hoff!"
Iggy drives a used Rolls Royce. It used to belong to David Bowie. Iggy was already living in the Shed behind Bowie's House so when Bowie died Iggy threw a load of Bowie's stuff into the Rolls and Royced off! "I'm a Royce Car Driver!" It's funny because Iggy said it. But it's Okay because Iggy Wrote "China Girl" and Bowie had a Big Hit with that Song. Iggy Wrote "Space Oddity", right? No? Bring that Car back, Iggy!
People are going out of their minds with anticipation over Donald Trump being interogated by Robert Mueller. There will be Mass Suicides when they catch on that they won't be able to watch it on Television "WHAT!?! I WAS GONNA HAVE AN INTEROGATION PARTY!! SHIT! THE EXECUTION'S GONNA BE ON LIVE TV THOUGH, RIGHT!?! RIGHT!?! THEY OUGHTA HAVE A FIRING SQUAD FOR THE SUPER BOWL HALF TIME SHOW!!!" You know what they should do to satisfy all the "Law And Order"addled twits who find Trump getting cross examined by Mueller so exciting? A Live Television Production of the Court Room Scene in "The Caine Mutiny" with Trump as the demented Navy Officer Captain Queeg who becomes horribly unglued in front of everybody and Mueller as as Greenwald the brilliant US Army Attorney who reluctantly exposes Queeg as . . . Does Queeg say anything about "Shithole Countries"? Bring in Aaron Sorkin for a quick rewrite! Remember Humphrey Bogart in the Movie Version of that scene jabbering like a loon about people stealing strawberries and rolling a couple of steel ball bearings around in his hand? Aw . . . We can't trust Donald Trump with a couple of steel ball bearings, he'll whip out the Commander In Chief Sling Shot and give Mueller one of em RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES!!! ATTACK DONALD TRUMP AND HE ATTACKS RIGHT BACK!!!! WOW!! LET'S DO IT!! LET'S MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!! What? Why are you looking at me like that for? Am I in trouble again? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!! AND YOU BETTER KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR STRAWBERRIES, BITCH!!!!
Is Skin Diamond Okay? SOMEBODY CHECK ON SKIN DIAMOND!!!!
A whole bunch of Female Porn Stars have died lately and they will probably keep right on dying until one Keels Over on Camera and creates a whole new World of Entertainment America can sit around feeling like crap about. One of these Women committed Suicide, another overdosed on those darn Pain Killers, another Died of This, Another Died of That, and there are dozens of other ones basically under Twenty Four Hour Video Surveillance, who knows what they'll come up with until we all throw ourselves into the Sea? Or at least throw a bunch of Good Looking Young Women into the Sea. It'll be Okay, we'll PAY to throw em into the Sea. No, wait - There are a whole bunch of guys who would pay to watch em get thrown into a Pit Of Fire. Fine, we'll pay to throw em into a Pit Of Fire. They won't even have to be naked. Nah, they'll be naked.
"Nadine . . . We're Damned, aren't we?"
"The Wild Angels" and "The Glory Stompers" are better Biker Movies than "Easy Rider". Pete Fonda in "The Wild Angels" and Dennis Hopper in "The Glory Stompers" jumped Pete Fonda and Dennis Hopper in "Easy Rider" and BEAT THE PISS OUT OF EM!!!! Pete Fonda in "The Wild Angels" and Dennis Hopper in "The Glory Stompers" are so much Cooler than Pete Fonda and Dennis Hopper in "Easy Rider" it's a freakin' disgrace. If Pete Fonda in "The Wild Angels" and Dennis Hopper in "The Glory Stompers" ever did Acid in a New Orleans Cemetary it would be an All Out Cheech And Chong Improvisational LAFF RIOT!!!! But Pete Fonda and Dennis Hopper in "Easy Rider"? BUMMER! Those two chicks from the Whorehouse were like "These guys are PUSSIES!!!!" "I thought this was gonna be a BIKER Movie!" Sometimes Jack Nicholson in "Easy Rider" will bring Jack Nicholson from "Five Easy Pieces" and Jack Nicholson from "The Last Detail" over to chase Pete Fonda and Dennis Hopper out of the Movie and do all kinds of crazy Jack Nicholson shit. One Time Lobsters1 rented "Easy Rider" and the Jack Nicholsons from those three Movies were tripping on Acid and making Crank Phone Calls to Jack Nicholson in that shitty Movie where he was hanging out with Greg Kinnear as the gay guy who went nuts and painted a picture of that "Mad About You" chick with no clothes on. Man, did those Jack Nicholsons give that Jack Nicholson a HARD TIME! WHOA!
Lobsters1 told Clint Eastwood to remake that "15:17 Paris" Movie so it's about the members of The Eagles Of Death Metal kicking Terrorist Butt at that Paris Concert instead of Army Guys on a Train. DIG IT, The Eagles Of Death Metal onstage in Paris when the ISIS Music Critics come inlike Lester Bangs always wanted to do to Grand Funk Railroad so The Eagles Of What The Hell Is That Band Name? drop their Instruments, grab their Guns . . . Who is Lobsters1 to tell Clint Eastwood how to make a Movie? If Ron Howards takes the job I'll be ordering him around like . . . Aw, now I have to explain Lester Bangs to these Squareheads! Anyway, Clint, those Army guys are too Cool to be in your shitty Movie. They're already Totall Bad Ass, but The Eagles Of Dung Beetles need all the help they can get.
JOB DESCRIPTION - Opening packages, removing contents, carrying contents around, placing contents in place with other contents, being in close proximity to place with all those contents all day long while opening more packages full of shit, I mean contents . . . Oh, God - Why do I Work here?
CALL 1-800-222-2222 Please it ring for a while, no one is in a hrry to go back inside the Building. The Recieving guy is in there but we don't let him touch the phone.
Mark E Smith Died but I'm only going to Write something about Mark E Smith dying for People who knew who Mark E Smith was before he died. If you want something about Mark E Smith dying for ignorant shits who have no idea who Mark E Smith was before he Died and still don't have the slightest idea who Mark E Smith was now that he's Dead go to some dumb ass Web Site and read about Barak Obama at a Party with a lot of Movie Stars and . . . Okay, everybody's left to go read stuff about Barak Obama at a Party and as soon as I put on this CD of Haitian Voodoo Drums the Corpse of Mark E Smith will come back to Life and drive to Taco Bell to pick up a couple of Burrotos for us. Mark E Smith did know how to Drive, right?
So, who do you think was the best Lead Singer for Van Halen - David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar, or Mark E Smith? Yeah Yeah Yeah, I know Mark E Smith was never the Lead Singer for Van Halen , just play along - It's a Comedy Bit! Yeah Yeah Yeah, Mark E Smith being the Lead Singer for Van Halen doesnt make any sense . . . Didn't you ever take a goddam Improv Class? God! Okay, just shut the Hell up while I do my Impression of Mark E Smith Singing "Runnin' With The Devil" . . . Uh . . . "Runnin' With The Devil" is a Van Halen Song. It's on the first Van Halen Album. Jesus Christ, not only am I trying to do Comedy with some one who doesn't know who Mark E Smith was, this bozo doesn't even know any Van Halen Songs! I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG AROUND WITH YOU GUYS!!
MARK E SMITH WAS THE LEAD SINGER OF AN ENGLISH BAND CALLED THE FALL*
How did Mark E Smith die? It would be embarassing if he died of the same thing as Tom Petty. Tom Petty died of an overdose of Pain Killers because he had a bad Hip, right? OH SHIT - Mark E Smith had a bad Hip, too! But he still could have gotten bitten in half by a Great White Shark or blown up by a Nazi Dive Bomber, right? Mark E Smith was far too Zany a Guy for "Ooohhh . . . My Hip! . . . Pills! Where are my Pills! . . . Ahhh, now I feel better! . . . Pills! Good Good Pills! . . . Oh, my Heart has stopped! . . . Hey, it's JERRY VAN DYKE!!!" SCREW THAT! When Mark E Smith died it involved Machine Guns, Barbed Wire, Explosions, Screams of Agony, Jerry Lewis' Invisible Typewriter Routine, Vince Neil and Razzle from Hanoi Rocks on a Beer Run, Corporal Hitler declaring "I'm gonna be a BIG MAN someday! JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE!!" and Bai LIng's Nude Shower Scene in "The CRow", right? Right? What? He died at Home? Mark E Smith had a HOME? Aw, man . .
Aziz Ansari was not at the SAG Awards because . . . Did anybody miss him? At the end of the Show did anybody cry "Hey! Where was Aziz Ansari? I sat there THE WHOLE TIME waiting for Aziz Ansari to come out and bug his eyes out at everybody but he never showed up! Did he hurt his eyes? Did Aziz Ansari bug his eyes out too much backstage so they popped out and were rolling around on the floor? " That's the only reason anybody ever paid attention to Aziz Ansari, it's just a matter of Time until until his eyes pop out of his head and roll around on the floor. That would be funny. People only laugh at Aziz Ansari because his eyes look like they are about to pop out of his head and roll around on the floor. Maybe somebody will step on em. That would be hilarious. But he wasn't at the SAG Awards because . . . He probably doesn't give a shit. The SAG Awards! Ikagine an awards show so lame not even Aziz Ansari can be bothered to go! Wow.
Has anybody done a silly Comedy Bit about Boris and Natasha the Funny Russian Villians on "Bullwinkle" being involved in all that Trump-Russia Election stuff? Like, Boris and Natasha being the Russians who had that meeting with Trump Junior. Lobsters1 can't be the first one to have thought of that! You're probably reading this and thinking "Jimmy Kimmell already did that, you idiot!" Jimmy Kimmell must be one Hell of a Funny Guy if he is coming up with the same ideas as Lobsters1! But how come Lobsters1 is never crying like a little bitch in front of everybody like Jimmy Kimmell? Oh, wait - There was that Public Meltdown at Dippity Doo Do Nuts over how terrible the new Joe Perry Solo Album is . . . Shit. Getting back to the Bullwinkle Show about Boris and Natasha stealing the Election . . . You could have Bullwinkle as Robert Mueller . . . Who would play Rocky? Get Sylvester Stallone to play Rocky, anything to keep him from making another Rambo Movie. See? Lobsters1 goes from Jokes about Russian Election Sabotage to Jokes about Sylvester Stallone. That's how much he cares about anything.
So, how is Joe Scarborough's Career as a Rock Star going? Any Joe Scarborough Fans out there? No, people who watch "Morning Joe" because they're idiots don't count. By "Joe Scarborough Fan" we mean all you Bad Ass Mofos Out There Gettin' Down To THAT WILD WILD JOE SCARBOROUGH SOUND!!!!! WHOA!!! Lobsters1 don't know no Joe Scarborough Fans cause when he sees Dangerous Edgy Rock And Roll Outlaws he calls the Cops and hides inside to listen to Dean Martin until his Blood Pressure goes back down. Cause Joe Scarborough is BAD ASS. Watching "Morning Joe" is the closest thing we've got in 2018 to hanging out in the Back Room at Max's Kansas City with Iggy and Loud Reed, man. Cause Joe Scarborough knows what it means to walk along the Lonely Street of Dreams. Joe Scarborough has been to The Edge. Joe Scarborough stood and looked down. Joe Scarborough lost a lot of Friends there, baby. Joe Scarborough's got no Time to mess around. Yeah, let's do that whole Song with "Joe Scarborough" stuck into it a few dozen Times. We've got a whole Blog to fill. Making fun of Joe Scarborough! A New Low for the Lobsters1 Blog! But at least Lobsters1 didn't mention Minka Brezinski. You got to BLEED FOR IT, Minka Brezinski! GOT TO GOT TO BLEED FOR IT, Minka Brezinski! Hey, let's drink some Jack Daniels and work up the nerve to do some Jokes about "Fox And Friends"! Let's get WILD! Let's get CRAZY!!!! I'm tired.
Don't make fun of sensitive people who break down crying over how racist it was for a white man like John Wayne to portray Genghis Khan in "The Conqueror". That role should have gone to the only Mongolian Actor in Hollywood, Kenny Khan. Kenny Khan never got any roles because he was Mongolian and when Hollywood finally made a Movie about a Mongolian they gave the part to John Wayne! John Wayne got to be in Ten Million Movies but all Kenny Khan ever got to do was make Tuna Fish Sandwiches for the Three Stooges! There was no Internet yet so Kenny Khan couldn't even do a BLOG! Kenny Khan auditioned for an Ed Wood Movie and died when Bela Lugosi passed out while trying to make Mongolian Barbeque. Dead Men Don't Get Irony. Bob Dylan Wrote a Song about Kenny Khan but it's one of his Born Again Christian Albums so if you go around talking about it you are going to wind up making Tuna Fish SAndwiches for those guys on "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".
They should have called that stupid Movie "The Khanqueror".
You know what's terrifying? If Woody Allen can get away with being such a creep because he was so funny Fifty Years ago what kind of atrocities was GROUCHO MARX commiting before he finally died? HE WAS THE FUNNIEST MAN OF ALL TIME!!! Woody Allen did WEIRD STUFF to some poor little Vietnamese Girl but THE WHOLE VIETNAM WAR was Groucho Marx's idea! "Let's all go to Asia and DO WEIRD STUFF TO MILLIONS OF POOR LITTLE GIRLS!!!" Not to put down all the guys who were drafted and sent to fight over there - They'll kick your ass! - But when they had a little Time to wonder "What the hell am I doing over here?" they would not have been very happy to find out they were just making a diversion for Groucho Marx and Woody Allen and Bob Hope to run all over South East Asia . . . GOD, THAT SOUNDS FUN!!!! No wonder Lobsters1 got into Comedy when he was a kid.
You think Bob Hope was a Patriot because he did a bunch of Shows for the Troops in Vietnam? Jerry Lewis was such a Great American his SON fought in Vietnam! WHAT A HERO! Bob Hope would walk off of the Stage after a Show in Saigon and "Mister Hope, it's a Phone Call from Jerry Lewis in Vegas!" "Hello, Jerry?" "Hey, General Custer, hope you had a nice Show! While you were telling your little Jokes My Son - MY FIRST BORN!!! - watched some Communist rip his Best Friend's intestines out with a Can Opener!" "Yes, Jerry." "He hasn't had a decent night's sleep in four and a half months!" "Yes, Jerry." "I'm so worried about him committing suicide I might kill myself!" "Yes, Jerry." "I hope you've at least worked out a way to scam a lot of Money out of whatever the hell you're doing over there." "Yes, Jerry." "I gotta go. I'm in a jacuzzi with four seventeen year old girls. Or is it seven fourteen year old girls?" "Yes, Jerry." That's how Woody Allen got his start in Show Business, pretending to be Bob Hope and saying "Yes, Jerry" in Saigon while taking phone calls from Jerry Lewis.
Is Lobsters1 the only person in America that listens to Pulp? Oh, I'm sorry . . . Pulp was a British Rock Band in the Nineties. Or was it the Eighties? I'm not sure. Anyway, Twenty or Thirty (Maybe Forty?) Years ago these People got together in England and said "There's this guy in America who is really screwing everything up and by 2018 he's going to need something to cheer himself up at Night so let's spend the next few Years making Records he can listen to on You Tube . . . I don't know what You Tube is, that's another thing someone else is Working on right now to keep that miserable American from blowing his brains out in 2018". Anyway, that's where tthis Pulp Band comes from. In the Sixties The Beatles made Records that inspired millions of People to Change The World so then in the Eighties or Nineties Pulp made Records that helped some Poor Piece Of Shit do a Comedy Podcast and a Blog instead of going Berserk and flinging his own feces at passing vehicles. The Beatles were for Everybody. Pulp is for Lobsters1. Sometime in the Past Half Century there is a British Rock Band just for YOU! For Example - The Wonder Stuff! I've never listened to The Wonder Stuff, nobody I have ever known has ever listened to The Wonder Stuff, Maybe The Wonder Stuff is the British Rock Band for YOU! Look em up on that You Tube thing. Nobody in Blue Oyster Cult ever gave a damn about your dumb ass!
Andrew Dice Clay will be digitally added to the DVD version of PT Anderson's "Phantom Thread". Every five minutes the Diceman will appear in the middle of all that Dress Sewing Bullshit to demand "Hey! I thought the 'Boogie Nights' guy made this Movie!? This shit is not in the least bit 'Boogie Nights'! Ain't no 'Boogie' goin' on in here! Hey, Sewing Guy! You were the guy in the 'I will drink your milkshake!' Movie! Quit sewin' them goddam dresses and get busy drinkin' a goddam milkshake! Here! I brought you a milkshake! I picked it up on the way over here! Drink this!" "Oh, Thank You very much, but I do not feel quite up to drinking a milkshake just now." "Quit acting like an Old Lady and drink the milkshake!" "No Thank You, Mister Dice Clay." "I paid two dollars and seventy five cents for this goddam milkshake! Drink the freakin' milkshake already!" "Mister Dice Man, I am very grateful -" "WRONG! WRONG! You're supposed to say 'Thanks for the shake, bro!' and drink it down like a Champ! Let's take it from the Top!" Dice pauses for a moment, then - "ACTION! Hey, Phantom Thread Guy, I got you a milkshake!" "Seriously, Mister Dice Clay, we are trying to shoot -" "What's the matter? Is it cause it's a Vanilla milkshake? You don't like a Vanilla milkshake? You want a Chocolate milkshake? We'll get you a Chocolate milkshake! Lobsters1! Quit lookin' at them Japanese Girls on the Internet and get Mister Phantom Menace here a Chocolate milkshake!" "'Phantom Thread'" "What?" "It's 'Phantom Thread' not 'Phantom Menace'" "YOU'RE A PHANTOM PAIN IN THE ASS!!!"
That Red Headed Guy in the Sonic Commercials is THE FUNNIEST GUY IN THE WORLD! He never gets to do any TV Shows or Movies because he Loves the food at Sonic so much it's all he ever talks about and nobody wants to see a Movie or TV Show about about the food at Sonic. "Seinfeld" was based on a Show he pitched to NBC called "Sonic". "Seinfeld" was "A Show About Nothing" and "Sonic" was "A Show About The Food At Sonic". Every one of those horrible Judd Apatow Movies was originally a Movie Script that Red Headed Guy Wrote about the food at Sonic. Every day Jimmy Kimmell, Jimmy Fallon, and Stephen Colbert go to eat Lunch with the Red Headed Guy at Sonic and rewrite everything he had to say into Material for their sorry ass Talk Shows later that Night. Lobsters1 has the job of throwing out the trash at Sonic and gets all of his ideas for his Pod cast and Blog eavesdropping on the Redheaded Guy while he eats his Dinner. That Comedy Bit in Lobsters1's Podcast about Truman Capote getting hit on the head by a beer bottle Erich Von Stroheim dropped out The Hindenberg was originally something the Red Headed Guy said while enjoying a Chili Dog. If that Redheaded Guy cared as much about Show Business as he cared about the Chili Dogs at Sonic everybody in the Comedy Business would be taking the trash out at Sonic and doing Podcasts and Blogs. Or taking out the trash and doing a Late Night Talk Show at TBS.
So then a few more minutes of "Phantom Thread" foolishness about some English Morrissey Mope stitching stuff goes by until My Man Dice comes barking back in to wake everybody up "Yo, 'Kiss Meets The Phantom' bitch! Put on your 'Boogie Nights' shoes! We're gonna go to this crazy Coke Dealer's house to watch a Chinese Guy set off Firecrackers and be scared of a Really Big Black Guy! Come on!" "Pardon?" "Huh? I tell you about a Chinese GUY setting off FIrecrackers and all you got to say is 'Pardon?'? COME ON! WE GOT A COKE DEALER'S HOUSE TO KNOCK OVER!! Tom Green and Tom Cruise from 'Magnolia' are waitin' for us in the car!" "Mister Dice Clay . . . " "Okay! I been tryin' my best to ignore the 'Mister Dice Clay' shit -" Lobsters1 comes in with a Chocolate milkshake "Hey, Dice, I got the Chocolate milkshake." "Lobsters1 got the Chocolate milkshake! Friggin' Johnny On The Spot! Hey, David Bowie, you want a Chocolate milkshake, Lobsters1 got you a Chocolate milkshake!" " I do not want any flavor milkshake, Mister -" "DON'T SAY 'DICE CLAY', YOU . . . Wait a sec! Lobsters1!" "What?" "You only got one Straw! Why you only got one Straw?" "There's only one milkshake, Dice." "'There's only one milkshake, Dice.' You hear that? Next thing you know he'll be callin' me 'Mister Dice Clay'" "I got the milkshake, man! What's the matter?" "YOU ONLY GOT ONE STRAW! WE NEED A WHOLE BUNCH OF STRAWS SO THEN HE CAN STICK EM ALL TOGETHER INTO ONE GREAT BIG SIX FOOT LONG SUPER STRAW AND THEN WE CAN PUT THE MILKSHAKE OVER THERE BY THAT SEWING MACHINE AND THEN MISTER CHIPS CAN SIT HERE BY THIS OTHER GODDAM SEWING MACHINE AND WE CAN WATCH HIM DRINK THAT MILKSHAKE FROM ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE -" "Mister Dice Clay, I will not be drinking any milkshake - " "ALL THROUGH THAT STUPID MOVIE I WAS GOIN' 'WHEN IS HE GONNA DRINK A MILKSHAKE? I WANNA SEE HIM MAKE A GIANT FIFTY FOOT SUPER STRAW AND DRINK SOME OTHER POOR SON OF A BITCH'S MILKSHAKE!!!' BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED! IT NEVER HAPPENED!!! I HATE THAT MOVIE!!!" Lobsters1 asks Dice what he thought of "The Master" "Never saw it!"
That Red Headed Guy in the Sonic Commercials is named TJ Jagadowski. Or is it JT Jagadowski? That's why everybody just calls him "That Red Headed Guy In The Sonic Commercials". It's a lot easier to remember than . . . Uh . . . DJ Wammapopsi? No, it's TJ Jagadowski or maybe JT Jagadowski. That Flo chick in those Insurance Commercials must have one hell of crazy name! Or is it that Mo chick in those Insurance Commercials? Lobsters1 tried Writing down that Red Headed Guy in he Sonic Commercials' name on a piece of paper so he could remember it but when he looked at the piece of paper later Lobsters1 found out that he had Written down "That Red Headed Guy In The Sonic Commercials". Lobsters1 won't bother finding out the name of That Cute Chick With Bleeding Gums In That Mouthwash Commercial. When a Woman has Bleeding Gums it don't take much to rob the Romance out of it all.
Tom Green, Tom Cruise from "Magnolia", and the "Phantom Thread" guy are lined up on their hands and knees. Dice is disgusted "This is HORRIBLE!!" Tom Green drinks from the Chocolate milkshake on the floor in front of him through the Straw. Tom Cruise from "Magnolia"' mouth has sewn to Tom Green's ass and the "Phantom Thread"guy's mouth has been sewn onto Tom Cruise from "Magnolia"s ass. "I probably shouldn't use this in the Blog" says Lobsters1. Daniel Day Lewis from "There Will Be Blood" says "He's not going to actually 'drink' the milkshake" Dice can't stand it anymore "Let's get that crazy German Guy back in here to remove the stitches!" "Nah" says Lobsters1 "I don't want that creep around any more. Let's just leave these three here in the 'Phantom Thread' Movie and let PT Anderson figure out what to do with em." Dice, Lobsters1, and Daniel Day Lewis from "There Will Be Blood" leave "Let's go hang out in that Movie where I hijack a Beauty Pagent!" suggests Dice. Lobsters1 does an impression of Billy Gibbons on ZZ Top's "The Grange" - "They've got a lot of Nice Girls in that Movie!" "This milkshake is REALLY GOOD! Where did you get it?"
Carrot Top ripped off The Redheaded Guy in the Sonics Commercials. The Redheaded Guy would eat a Hamburger and say something funny, the Redheaded Guy would eat a Hot Dog and say something funny, the Redheaded Guy would eat an Ice Cream Sundae and say something funny - Carrot Top said "He's doing Prop Comedy with FOOD!" and put together a Prop Comedy Act with everything BUT Food. The "Redheaded - Carrot Top" thing is self explanatory. Unless you are a REPUBLICAN (Laughter and applause) Thank You! Thank You! If the Redheaded Guy in the Sonic Commercials did Political Comedy he would be President with a Hamburger for Vice President, a Hot Dog for House Majority Leader, and an Ice Cream Sundae for Secretary Of Bad Comedy Bits (Laughter and applause) Thank You! Thank You!
Did You Know JERRY VAN DYKE Was Almost GILLIGAN!?!
Imagine Life In 2018 If Jerry Van Dyke Had Been America's "Little Buddy" Instead Of Bob Denver . . .
Mike Tyson would be PRESIDENT!
Rosie O'Donnell Would Be NICE And Ellen Degeneres Would Be HORRIBLE!
FACEbook Would Be NOSEbook!
Your DAD Would Have Been RICH!
Lobsters1 Would Be MARRIED To SANDA BULLOCK!
This POST Would Have Been FUNNY!
IF ONLY JERRY VAN DYKE HAD BEEN GILLIGAN!!!
COMING SOON FROM LOBSTERS1 PRODUCTIONS
DANGER DANGER!!! DON'T GO AROUND TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THE NEW ROSEANNE BARR SHOW!!!! It has been disclosed that that Roseanne's Character will be a Trump Supporter and The Good People That We Must Listen To And Obey At All Times are TERRIBLY UPSET!!! A Television Show about a Woman who Voted for Donald Trump? I guess in the first Episode Barr and John Goodman are going to blow up a Mosque and in the second Episode they go to Texas to help build the Border Wall and in the third Episode they take a break from building the Wall to build a Bakery so they can refuse to make Wedding Cakes for Gay Couples OH, THIS THING IS GOING TO BE THE WORST!!! It's a Miracle we made it this far into the goddam Blog Post without comparing somebody to HITLER! Johnny Galecki isn't going to be on this Show, is he? "Galecki" isn't a very American sounding name. And what about that Lesbian who played one of the Daughters? I bet Barr had their characters get killed on 9/11 or something. Hey, this will be fun - Let's start a Rumor that Barr wants to replace John Goodman with RUSH LIMBAUGH!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!! "This is a Job for ROBERT MUELLER!!!!" Hey, New York Times People, did you know that Axl Rose only got to do that Tour with AC/DC cause Roseanne was too busy Working on this Show? It's TRUE!!!!
Are all the Talk Show Hosts, Movie Stars, and TV Reporters right when they say that the President of the United States should be examined by a Psychiatrist to prove that he is fit for Office? Yes! Of COURSE they are correct! After all, weren't all the Talk Show Hosts, Movie Stars, and TV Reporters examined by a Psychiatrist to prove that they were fit for . . . Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, this whole thing was a TEST to see if YOU are fit to to continue doing whatever it is you have been doing for a Living. So . . . You did not see ahead of Time that this was going to be one of those "Ol' Switcharoo!" things that ended with all the Talk Show Hosts, Movie Stars, and TV Reporters having to be examined by a Psychiatrist just like all those assholes are saying the President should be examined? That proves there is something WRONG with you and Lobsters1 gets to come to your House and do something really horrible to you with a Baseball Bat with Barbed Wire wrapped around it! HAW HAW HAW!!!!! BEHOLD THE AWESOME POWER OF LOBSTERS1!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!!!! ALL I HAVE TO DO IS EAT A COOKIE AN D I TURN INTO GODZILLA!!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!!! What? Oh, The Little Bald Man on CNNN says I can't do a Blog on the Internet any more? OK.
Nobody goes to The Mall anymore. This Morning Lobsters1 was walking around The Mall dressed up like Bobcat Goldthwaite in "Shakes The Clown" and Singing "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" at the Top Of His Lungs and there was no one around to go "What are you, some kind of IDIOT!?!" and make him feel bad. All the poor Employees in the Stores just had to put up with it because they were hoping Lobsters1 was going to walk in and spend some Money. AN AWESOME EXPERIENCE! Twenty Years Ago Lobsters1 was walking around in the exact same Mall dressed up like a Guy who had just returned from New York after failing at Stand Up Comedy and mumbling to himself about committing Suicide and an angry mob of One Hundred And Fifty People chased him out into the Parking Lot and Beat him to Death. Who says The Internet has not made Life better for us all?
On the Morning of Tuesday January 9, 2018 Every Longhaired Slob in America woke up thinking that Motorhead was The Best Band Ever. But then they all took a Shower and went back to thinking Motley Crue or Pantera or Metallica or whatever Piece Of Shit Band they liked before they went to Sleep was The Best Band Ever. Will Every Longhaired Slob go back to liking Motorhead again Tonight once they are dirty and smelly from Walking around Acting like Assholes all day long? "What if we all wake up Wednesday Morning and we're in England?" "What if we wake up Wednesday Morning and we're English?" "What if we wake up Wednesday Morning and we're some English guy who used to be in Motorhead and got fired by Lemmy?" "CONGRADULATIONS, President Trump! Operation 'Make Thoe Longhaired Slobs Take A Shower Every Night' is a resounding success! You really are a Stable Genius!" "That was just a Joke." "Oh."
Yeah, let's Elect Oprah President. What the Hell, at least it will be Funny. We won't be allowed to Laugh, but it will be Funny. And nothing is funnier than something we are not allowed to Laugh at. That's why Hitler was so funny. At least until Mel Brooks came along and ruined it with that "Spring Time For Hitler" stuff. And Trump Jokes - These days you're in trouble if you DON'T make Trump Jokes. But Oprah Jokes . . . Lobsters1 is too busy cranking out Trump Jokes to to keep from getting chased out of town to even begin thinking about Oprah Jokes. When Oprah is President everyone will be running in the Street pretending to be the one who is so funny everyone is chasing them. Everyone will just run and run and run until we're all either in Canada or Mexico and there won't be any one left in America but Oprah and all her fabulous friends from the Golden Globes and . . . (Lobsters1 starts smashing shit up, runs down the Street yelling like a lunatic, gets hit by a car, bleeds to death in a ditch . . To Hell with it)
Did you see that interview where Jake Tapper called some guy a "Factotum"? WHOA! Anybody ever calls Lobsters1 a Factotum and he is gonna get punch in the nose! The MOUTH on that Jake Tapper! That guy Tapper was yappin' at may not have been John Wayne but he sure didn't seem like all that much of a Factotum. And even if he was a Factotum why did Jake have to resort to such language? When we were kids back in the Seventies we used to call Elton John a Factotum all the time but now it's 2017 and everybody thinks Sir Elton is One Heck Of A Neat Guy! Hey, Jake Tapper, are you aware of a Psychological concept called "Projection"? Yeah! Maybe you like that Factotum Guy more than you can deal with! Ha Ha! I bet your Co Workers Anderson Hooper, Ron Lennon, and Wolf Blotzer aren't very happy with you right now. WHAT? Get outta here! Wolf Blotzer has FACTOTUM written all over him!
One more thing, Jake - Your Sunday Morning Comic Strips are AWFUL!
Oh, Man! Vanilla Ice is all BUMMED OUT because he's been doing all this Anti Trump stuff but Trump won't pay any attention to him! Oh, BOO HOO HOO! Vanilla Ice got up and made this BIG SPEECH about about how much he hates Trump but . . . What? Eminem? Eminem is the White Rapper Guy who hates Trump? Are you sure? Didn't Eminem die? Yeah, Mike D and King Ad Rock are still around but Eminem . . . Eh, who gives a shit?
BEEN DRINKING ALL NIGHT AND WANT THE BOSS TO THINK YOU'RE SOBER?
SLOPPY STEVE PLAYS TED NUGENT AND NOTHING BUT TED NUGENT!!!
A PROGRAMMING ANNOUNCEMENT FROM WSSB FM MANAGEMENT
Jimmy Fallon is getting in on that Crazy Political Satire the Kids are into these days with a Wacky "Fire And Fury" Parody called "Fire And Fuzzy". It's about when he played with Donald Trump's Hair on "Th Tonight Show" "It will be really funny! 'Funny'? How about 'Fire And Funny'? Don't let the Writers go after they are finished Writing 'Fire And Fuzzy'! Make em Write a 'Fire And Funny' thing, too! Hey, how about 'Fully'? Isnt that a Word? Yeah, 'Fire And Fully'! Get the Writers to Work on that! And how about 'Fuddy'? You know, like 'Fuddy Duddy'? 'Fire Dire And Fuddy Duddy'! Get em to Write that! Yeah! Hey! Where is everybody going? HEY!
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF "WHAT'S GOIN' ON, TOMMY CHONG"?
TOMMY : Oh, Hey, Wow! How did this happen?
LOBSTERS1 : What's goin' on, Tommy Chong?
TOMMY : I don't know! How is what I am saying getting on the Internet, man?
LOBSTERS1 : How old are you these days, Tommy?
TOMMY : I'm not sure! Hey, the words that come out of my mouth are all over the screen!
LOBSTERS1 : Seems to me that you've finally smoked too much Pot, Tommy!
TOMMY : Oh, man, I'm not going to talk any more!
LOBSTERS1 : Maybe you shouldn't smoke Pot any more.
TOMMY : You're an ASSHOLE, man!
LOBSTERS1 : Yeah!
What ever happened to Sean Spicer? He used to be on TV standing behind that Podium every day, then he was standing behind that Podium on the Emmy Awards, but where is he today? Where is his Podium? Where, Sean Spicer, Where? Where, Podium, Where? A Lobsters1 Blog Investigation has found Sean Spicer on the Streets of Los Angeles Sleeping inside his Podium which he believes to be The White House. Sometimes he thinks he is Donald Trump Living in The White House, other Times he thinks he is Abraham Lincoln Living in The White House, and other Times he thinks he is Franklyn Roosevelt Living inside The White House. You can tell when Sean Spicer thinks he is Franklyn Roosevelt because he is yelling about his Wheelchair, you can tell when Sean Spicer thinks he is Abraham Lincoln because he is yelling about his Civil War, and you can tell when Sean Spicer thinks he is Donald Trump because he is yelling about how tired he is of hearing about Wheelchairs and Civil Wars. And every Morning he Sings "The Sean Spicer Song". It goes . . . Oh, you don't want to hear "The Sean Spicer Song"? Oh, Thank God. Boy, is it depressing.
Michael Wolfe says there are things in "Fire And Fury" that might not be True. Does he have stuff in there about Donald Trump turning into a Werewolf and killing People when there is a Full Moon so all the stuff about him Plotting with the Russians to steal the Election won't sound quite so crazy? Is that how they tricked People into liking Hillary Clinton? Did they tell People that Hillary Clinton Played all the Guitars on all the good Aerosmith Albums in the Seventies so all the stuff about her being a Great Secretary Of State wouldn't sound so crazy? In "Fire And Fury" Wolff makes Trump's Twitter stuff look even worse with what he Posts on The Donald1 Blog about Hillary Clinton Playing all the Guitars on all the good Aerosmith Albums in the Seventies and him turning into a Werewolf and killing People when there is a Full Moon. So if "Fire And Fury" is a Good Book about Donald Trump any Book is a Good Book about Donald Trump. Except for Joe Perry's Autobiography - That's a Really Good Book about Hillary Clinton.
A lot of FROZEN DOGS in the News lately. No matter what has been bugging you lately if "At least you aren't a Frozen Dog" does not make you feel better you are just a Big Ol' Cry Baby. Lobsters1 was in the ER in his Rubber George Clooney Mask last Night and the only Person who did not say "Yeah, you got a point there" after George Clooney (Lobsters1) told him "At least you aren't a Frozen Dog" was a Guy whose Head had been torn off by a Grizzley Bear. He did not have that interesting a response but at least the Blood spurting out of his Neck slowed down a bit. The Nurses arranged his Fingers into a jaunty "Thumbs Up!" and had the Resident Ventriloquist make it seem like he was Singing "Yellow Submarine" by The Beatles. So Give Up on Scientology and "Seinfeld" reruns and Sign Up for the "At Least You Aren't A Frozen Dog" Religious Cult! "Why didn't I think of THAT?" Mumbled Charles Manson moments before the Executioner Grizzley Bear tore his Head off "I don't know, Charles!" Lobsters1 said "Is 'Yellow Submarine' on 'The White Album'? I get all that crap mixed up" But the Grizzley Bear had torn Manson's head off by then and now Lobsters1 will never know what Beatles Album "Yellow Submarine" is on . Lobsters1 could look it up but he don't give a shit. Lobsters1 is all about, The Frozen Dogs! THE FROZEN DOGS!!!!
A Welcome Sign that Lobsters1 has yet to have gone completely out of his Mind - Lobsters1 was about to Write a Comedy Bit about that Asian Guy who Played Sulu on "Star Trek" and it took about THREE MINUTES for him to remember the Guy's Name! That ought to be enough to cut down on Lobsters1's Psych Med Dosage right there! CHEER UP, LOBSTERS1! You just might make it to the end of the Month without getting tied up in a Straight Jacket and ZAPPED to a smouldering crisp by Electroshock after all! And you were afraid that they were going to Hire John Waters to Write and Direct your Hollywood Bio Pic! And . . . OH, SHIT!!!! That "John Waters" just POPPED OUT of Lobsters1's Mind like a Paper Bag full of slop out of a McDonald's Drive Thru Window! DANGER DANGER DANGER Lobsters1 didn''t have to Pause to recall the Name of the Psycho Nut that made "Pink Flamingos" for ONE SECOND! DANGER DANGER DANGER It was right there on The Tip Of His Tongue! "Pink Flamingos" on The Tip Of His Tongue!?! WHERE IS THAT LITHIUM!?! WHERE IS THAT DUMP TRUCK FULL OF LITHIUM!?! Is it possible to make a BULLET out of LITHIUM? A BULLET made out of LITHIUM instead of LEAD!?! SOMEBODY GET TO WORK! LOBSTERS1 WILL BE TIED TO A TREE IN THE WOODS UNTIL YOU'RE FINISHED!
Lobsters1 spent all of 2017 Writing a Six Hundred Page Biography of Sherwood Schwartz, the Comedy Genius that Created "The Brady Bunch", and now he can't get any one to read it! They won't even take the Three Brown Paper Envelopes the Six Hundred Page Biography of Sherwood Schwartz is packaged in out of his hands! Lobsters1 tries to give them the Three Brown Paper Envelopes the Six Hundred Page Sherwood Schwartz Biography is packaged in and they just CRASH Lobsters1 over the head with it! Lobsters1 has spent most of 2018 so far passed out on the ground . . . OH, SHIT! Some one has taken the Six Hundred Pages of Sherwood Schwartz's Biography out of the Three Brown paper Envelopes and replaced them with Three One Hundred Pound Weights from out of the Gym Weight Room! No Wonder the Top of Lobsters1's Head has been so Squishy lately. Is that why the Guy in The Barber Shop got sick and passed out when Lobsters1 sat down in his Chair and asked him for a little trim this Morning? No Wonder that Coon Skin Cap keeps falling off.
America is SO IMPRESSED with how COOL Spike Lee's Record Collection is they are bringing back his "She's Gotta Have It" for another Season "All I am trying to do with my TV Show is impress everybody in the World with how GREAT my Record Collection is. Every Episode of 'She's Gotta Have It' is designed to make at least One Quarter of a Billion People say 'Holy Shit, does Spike Lee have a Cool Record Collection or What?'
LOOK OUT EVERYBODY! Jim Jarmusch's Record Collection has challenged Spike Lee's Record Collection to a DANCE OFF!
(Lobsters1 enters as Bowzer from Sha Na Na. He thinks he is dressed as Joe Strummer but he just looks like Bowzer)
LOBSTERS1: Hey, man, I hear you're pretty good! Don't you know you're in my neighborhood? I hear you're pretty fast on your feet. You better be at the Dance down on Fourteenth Street, YOU HEAR?
OFFICER KRUPKE : What the Hell are you talkin' 'bout, Lobsters1"
LOBSTERS1 : Spike Lee's Record Collection and Jim Jarmusch's Record Collection know what Record I'm quoting!
SPIKE LEE'S RECORD COLLECTION : I don't know what the Hell he's talking about! Do you know what he's talking about, Jim Jarmusch's Record Collection?
JIM JARMUSCH'S RECORD COLLECTION : He's just being an asshole!
MARTIN SCORSESE'S RECORD COLLECTION : Ooooohhhh! Oooooh! I know what Record he's talking about!
SPIKE LEE'S RECORD COLLECTION : Martin Scorsese's Record Collection? Nobody cares about Martin Scorsese!
JIM JARMUSCH'S RECORD COLLECTION : That Loser put "Layla" in a Movie! Freakin' "Layla"!"
MARTIN SCORSESE'S RECORD COLLECTION : But it was the really pretty Instrumental part at The End!
SPIKE LEE'S RECORD COLLECTION : GET OUTTA HERE!
JIM JARMUSCH'S RECORD COLLECTION : SCRAM!!
Jimmy Carter was attacked by a RABBIT! Yeah, you remember Forty Years Ago when President Jimmy Carter was attacked by a Rabbit. Lobsters1 has been trying to come up with a funny "Jimmy Carter Attacked By A Rabbit" Joke ever since and now - After Four Decades - he has finally come up with something GOOD. What? No, it's not a "Donald Trump attacked By A Rabbit" Joke. Donald Trump has never been attacked by a Rabbit. A "Donald Trump Attacked By A Rabbit" Joke wouldn't make any sense! But a "Jimmy Carter Attacked By A Rabbit" Joke would be HILARIOUS! BECAUSE IT REALLY HAPPENED! So . . . Jimmy Carter was attacked by a Rabbit and . . . Uh . . . Jimmy Carter . . . AW, SHIT! YOU GOT ME SO MIXED UP I FORGOT MY JIMMY CARTER ATTACKED BY A RABBIT JOKE!!!! CRAP!!! All my Life the only thing that has kept me going through all these Years of Suffering and Struggle was the Hope that one day I would finally discover the Ultimate "Jimmy Carter Attacked By A Rabbit" Joke and just when I was on the verge of that Final Moment of Triumph and Existential Fulfillment . . . Uh . . . What was I talking about?
Stephen Colbert enters wearing a Rabbit Costume and holding a Baseball Bat with Barbed Wire Wrapped around it
COLBERT : Anybody seen Donald Trump around here?
(Deafening Laughter and Applause from the Audience)
LOBSTERS1: I HATE you, Stephen Colbert!
Jimmy Carter enters
CARTER : I am sure that your Joke about me being attacked by a Rabbit was very funny, Lobsters1.
LOBSTERS : I thought you were Dead.
Chris Cuomo has a new Show on CNN! "Can I have Puppets? I want to do a Show with Puppets! Funny Donald Trump Puppets!" "Yeah, Chris - You can have Puppets." "I can make Puppets out of Socks! Look!" "Uh huh. Put your Socks back on, Chris." "Look at my Toes! I drew little faces on my Toes! Talking Toes! Talking Toes! Donald Trump face on my Big Toe!" "That's really great, Chris . . . " "Look at me!" "Chris! Come down off of that desk!" "Chris fly to Puppetland!" "Chris! Come down!" "Chris can FLYYYYYY!!" "Oh, shit!" (SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE - Lobsters1 thinks Chris Cuomo is a Moron) "Chris Write Comedy sketch about Donald Trump! Trump play with Puppets! Funny Rocket Man Puppet! Trump take off Socks! Trump draws faces on Toes!" "Is Trump going to fall off of the desk, Chris?" "You funny!"
Iran is lifting restrictions on Social Media! That's good because not knowing what Iranian dudes think of those new "Star Trek" Movies is driving everybody out their minds. Lobsters1 can't remember the last time he mocked an Iranian for living in his Mother's Basement. And it's SO FUNNY when "The Simpsons" quotes go over their Turban Wearing Heads "ZOOOM!!!" "WHAT WAS THAT!?!"
Steve Bannon said that some bullshit that happened was "Treasonous". It doesn't really matter what Bannon said, it's just a good excuse to post another picture of him on the Blog and make mean jokes about how creepy looking he is. LOOK AT HIM! WHAT A CREEP! Ugh . . . That guy is so creepy looking there aren't any jokes that could help us get over how creepy looking he is. Why did we put that picture of him on the Blog? Everybody's so creeped out they're going Off Line to hide under the Bed! LOOK OUT!!! STEVE BANNON IS ALREADY UNDER THE BED WAITING FOR YOU!!! He is going to EAT you! Oh, man. Too late. They turned the Blog off before they could read the Warning. And now Steve Bannon is eating them. Oh, man! Shit! WHAT A CREEP!
Usually all Lobsters1 has to do to Write the Blog is drink a little Coffee and - SHAZAM! - He instantly gets a Crazy Comedy Idea. But then there are other times when Lobsters1 drinks some Coffee and . . . Nothing happens. No "SHAZAM!", no nothing. So . . . Uh . . . Let's Write "SHAZAM!" down and look at it for a second. Maybe something will come to mind. . . Nope . . . Nothing . . . Lobsters1 just spent an Hour looking at that "SHAZAM! there and it feels like he could look at it for another Hour . . . And . . . It feels like watching PBS. Hey . . . Was that JOKE? Yeah! That bit about PBS was a Joke! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY! THANK YOU FOR READING THE LOBSTERS1 BLOG!!!
Uh . . . How much Lobsters1 pay for that Coffee? OH SHIT! That one little PBS Joke wasn't worth all that! No more going to Starbucks to Work on the Blog! SCREW THAT!
The North Korean Dictator Dude has a Button on his Desk he can press to launch Nuclear Missilles, Matt Lauer had a Button his Desk he could press to lock Hot Babes in his Office, Donald Trump has a Button on his Desk he can push to get a Diet Coke . . . Why doesn't Lobsters1 have a Cool Button he can push on his Groovy Desk? Lobsters1 doesn't even have a Desk! A Button on Lobsters1 Shirt fell off and he doesn't know how to sew it back on! He tried putting it back on with Adhesive Tape and everybody was LAUGHING at him! So Lobsters1 can understand wanting to launch Nuclear Missilles at a Nation full of assholes pointing and laughing at some Poor Guy with a Button taped onto his Shirt. GOOD FOR YOU, LIL' NORTH KOREAN GUY! Lobsters1 doesn't have an insulting name for you like "Rocket Man" or "Button Taped To Shirt Man" Go right ahead and push your "Nuclear Holocaust Button" on your Desk! LOBSTERS1 DON'T GIVE A SHIT! "Oh . . . Okay. If you say so . . . " Rocket Man pushes Button on Desk, Donald Trump comes in, and gives him a Diet Coke.
MUSIC : "Give Peace A Chance"
Any Joker Guys talking about Tommy Wiseau running for President yet? Somebody is bound to bring that up. "WISEAU FOR PRESIDENT!" Why yhe Hell not? Tommy will run against Tom Hanks AND KICK HANKS" ASS!!! Okay, you kids who just finished a course at The Upright Citizen's Brigade - Let's see a Sketch about Tommy Wiseau and Tom Hanks having a Presidential Debate . . . That was GOOD! Now let's see a Sketch about Tommy Wiseau being Sworn into Office and Tom Hanks trying to be a Good Sport about it . . . Eh, that was kind of funny but woud Tom Hanks REALLY pick up his chair and throw it Wiseau right in the middle of the Ceremony? That might Work with Hillary Clinton but . . . Yeah, we'll work on it, we'll work on it . . . Now, let's see a Sketch where President Wiseau finds Tom Hanks hiding on Air Force One . . . Yeah! That was GOOD STUFF! We're going to Write the Lobsters1 Blog like this all the Time now! Okay, let's do a thing about Matt Lauer . . . What? PAY YOU? HAW HAW HAW!!! WELCOME TO DOING COMEDY ON THE INTERNET, PUNKS!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!!! Hey, where ya goin'?
The very first thing a TV Reporter has to do when covering the Middle East is get a REALLY CUTE SCARF just like the ones all the Really Cute Arabs wear "Oh! I can't do my Remore just yet! I haven't put on my REALLY CUTE SCARF!" That's why the Israel don't get favorable coverage any more - The Isrealis don't wear REALLY CUTE SCARVES!!!! "What, you think my Great Grandfather had a REALLY CUTE SCARF when he was in Auschwitz? Get outta here with your REALLY CUTE SCARF, schmuck!" Dan Rather says "I really envy these younger Journalists today doing Remotes from the Middle East. Why didn't those stupid Vietnamese have REALLY CUTE SCARVES when I was a Young Reporter back in the Sixties? THEY ARE SO CUTE!!!! If we could have Worn those REALLY CUTE SCARVES while we were covering the War in Vietnam we would have been a lot more POSITIVE about the whole thing, the American people would have gotten behind the the War Effort and . . . Eh, screw it.
GOD BE PRAISED! Lobsters1 made it the way through the Holidays without hearing even one disgusting joke about what kind of Orifice those Boxes with a Mouth in front of the Box might have on the rear end of the Box! If Lobsters1 heard one - JUST ONE! - Sick Joke about what a Box with a Mouth in front might have in the back he would have . . . What? Lobsters1 was the only guy in the Earth creepy enough to think of such a thing? Oh, everybody else was getting all emotional and Singing "Give a little bit, give a little bit of your Love to me . . . " along with the Cute Cartoon Boxes while Lobsters1 was thinking about . . . Never mind. Forget I brought it up. NO, I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE A RORSCHACH TEST RIGHT NOW! LEAVE ME ALONE!
NEW YEARS EVE BACK PAIN HORROR FOR LOBSTERS1!
OW! BACK PAIN LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE! OW! It took so long to get out of Bed and into the Bathroom Lobsters1 thought he was taking a Whiz on the Fouth Of July. Was that funny? Who knows? The Doctor gave Lobsters1 a Pain Killer called Cyclobenzaprine and hopefully it will rocket him into that crazy Opioid Epidemic that people who have not made the transition to Heroin are so concerned about (Takes Pill) That was the Eleventh one in Ten minutes, Lobsters1 Back feels okay but his Front is face down on the Living Room Floor of of the Mexico City Apartment where William Burroughs accidentally Shot his Wife in the Head. Here comes the Tour Guide! "See the Blood Stains on the Wall? Crazy Man shot Crazy Wife in the Head! See the Puddle of Green Slime on the Floor? Lobsters1 just made the transition to Heroin and dissolved into a Mini Bayou! Let's go into the Kitchen make Missus Burroughs Ginger Bread Cookies and bite off the Head! BANG!!! (Lobsters1 takes thirteen more Pills) Lobsters1 is in the Parking Lot eating Cars and grabbing National Guardsmen with his Tentacles. FOX NEWS is on the Scene! "New Year's Eve Opioid Monster Hullaballoo! The Pain Med Monster has eaten the entire South East United States and will be rampaging across the Mid West as soon as he completes his Blog Post! (Lobsters1 takes eighteen Pills the size of an SUV) "Was Tolstoy taking Cyclobenzaprine when he Wrote 'Get Outta Here Napoleon!'? Will Lobsters1 be going to Work tomorrow? STAY TUNED!"
2017 - THE YEAR IN LOBSTERS1
Rosita appears on "The Talking Dead" and she is PREGNANT! Lobsters1 has enough problems with all those Dead People trying to eat him and Bai Ling trying to run him over with a Stretch Limo, now he has to take care of Abraham's Orphan Offspring, too? "Rosita, things aren't working out . . . LOOK OUT FOR THAT DEAD GUY!!!"
Lobsters1 goes back to 2017 and finds out that Bai Ling was the only one tha went to his Funeral. She thought there would be an Open Bar. "No, Bai, there was an OPEN CASKET so every one could laugh at my Brains falling out of my Skull "It made Cybil Shepherd VOMIT!" "Cybil was there? What a Nice Woman!"
That "Darkest Hour" Movie about Winston Churchill leading the fight against Hitler was supposed to be about Hillary Clinton leading the fight against Trump but then Clinton lost the Election and they got too depressed to make a Movie. Then "Dunkirk" was a Big Hit and some guy in Hollywood said "Wait a minute . . . A Fat Loud Person waddling around barking at everybody? Rewrite that Hillary Movie into a Churchill Movie! But Churchill beat Hitler, didn't he? Can we change the end so Hitler wins and Churchill throws a tantrum and has to be sedated? That would be HYSTERICAL." They wanted Noel The Funny Guy From Oasis to put on a lot of weight and play Churchill. That would have been a Laugh Riot! But they got Liam The Stupid Guy From Oasis by mistake and they didn't realise they had The Wrong Oasis Guy until Liam had put on Fifty or Sixty Pounds. OH, MAN!
We probably should have used a Picture of Hillary Duff instead of Hillary Clinton, huh?
What is it with all the Old Guitar Players having STROKES? The Guitar Player from Bad Company had a Stroke and the Guitar Player from AC/DC had a Stroke and DIED! And it wasn't The Damn Fool Running Around In The School Boy Uniform either! The Nice Quiet Guy just standing there playing Bad Ass Rhythm Guitar Parts had a Stroke and died but The Damn Fool Running Around In The Silly Ass School Boy Uniform is still . . . He better not be wearing that Uniform right now! They buried the Uniform with the guy who had the Stroke, right? They should have buried the guy who had the Stroke wearing the Uniform. He was a Cool Guy but that would have been a Good Joke "Ha Ha, you're a Dead School Boy and we're going on Tour with Axl Rose! Ha Ha!" Why no Jokes about the Guitar Player from Bad Company having a Stroke? Because Bad Company is friggin' HORRIBLE. Slim The Guitar Player in The Replacements had a Stroke! Lobsters1 shook hands with Slim after The Replacements played in New York back in '86. If Slim is Old enough to have a Stroke Lobsters1 is Old enough to have a Stroke! (Lobsters1 runs into the Bathroom to wash his hands. If Slim had gotten AIDS Lobsters1 could'nt do a "Washing Hands" Joke without getting in trouble) And now the Guitar Player from That Band Lobsters1 Can Never Remember The Name Of and who was always Playing with Peter Buck had a Stroke! I think he is just pretending to have had a Stroke. He's just tired of Peter Buck "STOP TALKING ABOUT THE BEACH BOYS ALL THE TIME!!!!" "Huh?" "AND THERE IS NOTHING STRANGE ABOUT BRIAN WILSON WRITING A SONG ABOUT JOHNNY CARSON!!! JOHNNY CARSON WAS AWESOME!!!!" "Is this another Intervention?"
Speaking of Rock N' Roll and Strokes - Whatever happened to The Strokes? "They're right up there in that Comedy Bit about all the Guitar Players having . . . " SHUT UP! That Bit is over. Now I'm doing a bit about The Strokes . . . " "You just did a Bit about Strokes!" "Excuse me, but are you guys Abbott And Costello? I thought you were dead!"
"ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET JARVIS COCKER*"
" We should do a Comedy Bit where I'm talking about Jarvis Cocker but you think I'm talking about Joe Cocker and we get confused." "Nah, let's try that new Martin And Lewis thing where we just run around and mess everything up." "I'm too old for that." Long Pause timed with exquisite Burlesque Top Banana precision "At least we did better than FRANKEN AND DAVIS!!!!" "Ha!" "High Five!" "What?"
*A Kick Ass British Rock Star who looks and behaves like a School Teacher who Lives with his Grandmother
I saw a Video of The Strokes doing 'Just What I Needed' with Jarvis Cocker on You Tube. "I saw a Video of Abbott And Costello doing 'Who's On First' with Jarvis Cocker." "It's a Good Thing you explained who Jarvis Cocker is to the Readers." "Perhaps you should explain to the Readers why they should continue reading this foolishness." says Special Celebrity Guest Star JARVIS COCKER casually strolling into The Lobsters1 Blog "JARVIS! JARVIS COCKER EVERYBODY!" (Some applause, confused mumbling) "It's very nice to be here." (Jarvis Lip Syncs "Cocaine Socialism". Lobsters1 really enjoys it, everyone else regards it as yet another example of why they dislike the Lobsters1 Blog) "Thank You, Jarvis! That was AWESOME!" "I had to do something to save the Show from that Abbott And Costello debacle." "'debacle'! Did you hear that? Jarvis said 'debacle'!" "Yes, well, perhaps I ought to be making my exit." Lobsters1 jumps around doing a cruel imitation of Jarvis saying "Yes, well, perhaps I ought to be making my exit." Jarvis, inspired by the "Dunkirk" and "Darkest Hour" Movies, kicks Lobsters1's sorry American Ass "I do not Live with my Grandmother! I Live with my Cat!"
Investigators in the Las Vegas Massacre have concluded that the Attack was Motivated by the Killer's intense dislike of Girls wearing Cowboy Boots "You look like whores! I don't care if this is Vegas! Go to New Orleans with that shit!" The first thing Lobsters1 thought when he first heard about the Shootings - "Is BRITNEY OK?" Yeah, Yeah, on the Podcast we did a "First thing I thought when I heard about the Shootings was 'Is CARROT TOP OK?" bit. Hey, Lobsters1 pays a lot for these Jokes and once he does em on the Podcast he's gonna do em on the Blog , he's gonna do em in the Shopping Mall dressed up like a Dog! "Security Guard! Security Guard! There's a man in the Food Court dressed up like a Chihuahua and making horrible Jokes about Girls in Cowboy Boots getting shot in Las Vegas!! He picked up my Sweet And Sour Chicken and threw it at the Frozen Yogurt Machine! Oh, wait . . . The Frozen Yogurt Machine is doing that 'Transformers' thing where it turns into a Rock Em Sock Em Robot and it's throwing the Chihuahua Man into the Water Fountain! What a Crazy Mall!" Did we do that on the Podcast yet? Let's do it next Week. Yeah. With a goofy Tommy Chong voice. www.thedevilisasissy.com
Lobsters1 refuses to go to the Mall ever since he found out the Frozen Yogurt Machine in the Food Court will do that "Transformers" thing and turn into a Rock Em Sock Em Robot and throw him into the Water Fountain if he does anything stupid "Why go to the Mall if I can't do something stupid? What is happening to this Country? First I'm getting thrown into a Water Fountain by a Rock Em Sock Em Robot and now ROSE MARIE IS DEAD!! Did Rose Marie drown in the Water Fountain in the Mall? Rose Marie never did nothing to no Yogurt Machine! What is, the Third Reich? Oh, I'm sorry. I had another January 2018 Flashback." BUT THE GOOD NEWS - If we are all Good and say "Diversity" a lot Mariah Carey will do that "Transformers" thing, turn into a Kareoke Frozen Yogurt Machine, and we can celebrate Rose Marie's Legact like it is 1999! Seems to me Rose Marie died before 1999 at least but that's kind of insensitive so The Lobsters1 Blog is The Place For It To Be. Somebody get Rose Marie out of that Water Fountain!
Leyla Santiago, the CNN REporter bumming out over how people don't there got no Power is a Babe, so Lobsters1 went down there pretending to be a Compassionate Electrical Engineer Guy "Hey, Lryla - Check it out!" Lobsters1 rolls in one of those Wooden Wheelie Thingies with Electrical Cable wrapped around it "ELECTRICITY ON A WHEEL! I pushed this shit all the way over from . . . Tibet! I'm Young Tom Edison! Let's get some Nachos!" "Who the hell are you?" "I'm the guy who invented the Forzen Yogurt Kareoke Machine that turns into a Rock Em Sock Em Robot and throws Fox News Nazis into the Water Fountain! Check it out! I got PRINGLES!" Man, Puerto Rico SUCKS! But at least there's no Electricity so so the Puerto Rican Frozen Yogurt Machines can't turn into Puerto Rican Robots and throw him into the Puerto Rican Water Fountains. All the Yogurt melted right in the middle of the Hurricane. Dogs licked it up, cats were disgusted, Hanna Barbera would have LOVED it! So, yeah, nothing happened between Lobsters1 and that Leyla chick. Lobsters1 went back to the Airport and they didn't have any Brad Thor Paperbacks! SCREW PUERTO RICO!
CHRISTMAS IS OVER - LET'S TALK ABOUT GIRLS!!!!
Let's do a thing about Garbage so we can put a picture of Shirley Manson on the Blog. Garbage is the name of a Band, Shirley is the Singer, and she is CUTE! Lobsters1 was Singing a Garbage Song at Work and the Black Women threatened to kill him. Then he told the Black Women that he was Singing a Song by a Band called Garbage and they locked him up in the Janitor's Closet. The fumes from the Cleaning Chemicals got to Lobsters1 and he thought he was Walt Disney durng the Production of "Fantasia" so when the Janitor heard Lobsters1 in there yelling about Cartoon Dinosaurs he got scared and left. Black Women complaining about how no one had cleaned out the Bath Rooms, Lobsters in the Closet hollering about how the Tyranosaurus Rex was the wrong color - WORST CHRISTMAS PARTY EVER! We can put anything here, everybody is too busy looking at that Picture of Shirley Manson to read this.
Did you know Pam Grier got her start in Hollywood answering the Phone at American International Pictures? Yeah! Some guy would call AIP to pitch an idea for a Beach Party Movie and when he heard Pam Grier on the line going "American International Pictures! Get your hands off of me, Peter Fonda!!" he'd go nuts and wind up in Jail for running around naked yelling "I HAVE BEEN TO THE MOUNTAIN TOP!!!!" Finally AIP realized they had a responsability to Mankind to harnass that Power for the Focres of Good and put Pam in the Movies "Okay, but I ain't gonna be in no Movie with that Dennis Hopper!" "Oh, man! What a DRAG!" "I like you, Dennis!" "GET AWAY FROM ME, VINCENT PRICE!!!" Hey, Lobsters1 ought to create a Sit Com about AIP in the Sixties! Crazy LA Improv KIds as Pam Grier, Peter Fonda, Dennis Hopper, and Vincent Price! What a GREAT WAY to flush 2018 down the toilet! (Lobsters1 goes to the Store for a Twelve Month Supply of Spiral Notebooks, Black Ball Point Pens, and Five Hour Energy Drink. And right next to the Check Out Counter - a "Black Mama, White Mama" DVD!)
People sure are crazy about Elizabeth Montgomery all of a sudden! Thirty Years Ago you never heard nothing about Elizabeth Montgomery (Probably because we still had Good Music to listen to) but nowadays it's Elizabeth Montgomery Elizabeth Montgomery Elizabeth Montgomery - With a few Nouns and Verbs thrown in but nobody is paying attention because it is ELIZABETH MONTGOMERY. There were two Darrens on "Bewitched" because Elizabeth Montgomery was too much Woman for one Darren. Oh God, NOW SHE'S IN A BRUNETTE WIG AS SAMANTHA'S SISTER, This Is Larry's Big Day! You know Larry the guy from Darren's Office who was always hanging around. You think he was hanging around because of Darren? Larry was NO FOOL! People are Hot over Elizabeth Montgomery because of the rumors about her and JFK. Yeah, it's TRUE - Elizabeth Montgomery was on the PT-109. That's how JFK got distracted and let the PT-109 get run over by a Big Ass Japanese Ship "Wiggle your nose like that again . . . Wiggle it again . . . Wiggle it . . . Wiggle . . . WIGGLE . . . OH SHIT! IT'S A BIG ASS JAPANESE SHIP!!!" That's how JFK saved the Crew, Elizabeth Montgomery stuck her head in the water, wiggled her nose nonstop, and propelled them all the way back to Boston. Are you still reading this? See what happens when they throw a few Nouns and Verbs into the Elizabeth Monthgomery Elizabeth Montgomery Elizabeth Montgomery? Jesus.
BETTER THAN ANY IDEA CHARLES DICKENS EVER HAD!
Christmas Morning Lobsters1 had a Dream about a Chinese Whorehouse right around the corner from his apartment. Yeah, a Dream. About a Chinese Whorehouse. Right around the corner from his apartment. On Christmas Morning. Let's see Rankin - Bass make a Stop Motion Animation Christmas Special about THAT! You've got a whole year to do it, GET BUSY! Rankin, get Coffee and Danish! Bass, get Al Franken to Write it now that he's not a Senator any more! Sid And Marty Kroft, you're about to get a call from Rankin-Bass, they've never been to a Chinese Whorehouse and they need all the help thy can get! AND NO SCROOGE!!!
The same thing keeps happening - Adam Sandler makes a Movie, everybody on the Internet screams and cries about how horrible it is for three years, and then Lobsters1 sees it on FX one Sunday afternoon and has a pretty good time .How much is Wil Ferrell paying you people to continue this sick charade? Cause Christmas Afternoon Lobsters1 saw that Adam Sandler Movie where the Earth was attacked by Video Games from Outer Space and you can take your "Citizen Kanes"s and your "The Searchers" and your Martin Scorsese Movies about Italians who curse too much and . . . And when are we going to get another Nick Swardson Movie with Christina Ricci? Okay, make that a Christina Ricci Movie with Nick Swardson. Hey, Al Franken, are you Writing this down? You're not a Senator any more. You need a Job!
CHRISTMAS DAY ON THE LOBSTERS1 CHANNEL . . .
The Lobsters1 Crappy Animated "Christmas Carol" Adaptation Marathon! Every Year there'a a new Crappy Animated "Christmas Carol" Adaptation and this Christmas Day you can watch the Twenty Four most recent ones on The Lobsters1 Channel! It will be AWFUL! Beginning at 12 AM you can watch the Crappy Animated "Christmas Carol" Adaptation from 1993 and then one Crappy Animated "Christmas Carol" Adaptation every hour until you watch the Crappy Animated "Christmas Carol" from 2017 at the end of Christmas Day and murder every Human Being you can get hold of until the Cops finally gun you down. Maybe we shouldn't go through with this?
HAVE A MERRY UKRAINIAN ANTI TANK WEAPON CHRISTMAS! (HOW ABOUT A MERRY UKRAINIAN ANTI TANK WEAPON XMAS? YEAH)
It's Christmas and John McCain actually agrees with Donald Trump about something! Let's give the Ukainians Anti Tank Weapons for Christmas! Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you knock the shit out of that Russian Tank tonight? John McCain in a Santa Claus costume leaving Jingle Bell Bazookas in the Little Ukrainian Kid's Christmas Stockings! "I Love you, John McCain!" "Don't get carried away, kid! I'm still a DICK!" "Oh." A Russian Tank plows into the hut, everyone suffers horrible injuries, and John McCain says "That's why I joined the NAVY!" "Wow! You are a DICK!"
A recent Rasmussen Poll finds that 87% of the American People think that The Lobsters1 Blog is a bucket of crap. So Lobsters1 will spend Christmas crawling around in the parking lot howling at the sky and rubbing gravel into his hair. Was that Comedy Bit about Taylor Swift falling into a Pig Pen and getting eaten alive a mistake? Oh, look! A Rasmussen Poll finding that %92 of the American People think Taylor Swift getting eaten by pigs is not funny. What do pigs think? Why don't they poll pigs? Hey, Rasmussen, you too cool to poll pigs? "We're afraid we'll fall into the pen and get eaten!" Hey, Rasmussen, don't take it bad, take a sad song and make it better . . . "Don't you know any GOOD Beatles Songs?" KISS MY ASS, RASMUSSEN!! John McCain enters holding a smoking Anti Tank Weapon in one hand and a canvas sack full of decapitated Russian Tank Crewmen heads in the other "THAT'S telline em, Lobsters1!"
Oh, Thank Gawd! Jann Wenner finally found some one dumb enough to buy his awful Magazine! Maybe we'll do a little Joke here about Wenner finding some one dumb enough to buy a COPY of his Magazine. That could be Crazy. Jann Wenner is standing at the Check Out Counter in some store "Hey, and while you're buying a bottle of Mountain Dew and a Candy Bar, how about a copy of Rolling Stone!? ELON MUSK is on the cover! ROCKIN'!" And then he gets mad and starts crying "Everybody is jealous of me cause I'm friends with . . . No, he's dead. You're all jealous because I'm friends with . . . He's dead, too! Is Paul Simon dead yet? That's why he never calls me any more, right? Right? RIGHT?" But the poor bastard has unloaded his Bozo Magazine on some fool at last "And, hey,, while you're buying Rolling Stone how about Playboy and ESPN? You can put your Mom on the cover. Buy Playboy and put your Mom in the Centerfold. I don't care, I'm one step away from living in the shed behind Mick Jagger's House." "Are you going to cry?" "I tried to sell a Twentieth Century thing in the Twenty First Century and Teenagers are laughing at me!" "I think they're laughing at your Nirvana T-Shirt." Hey, Good Luck getting a Buyer for your Dead Ass Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, Shit Breath!
The Gallagher Brothers are FRIENDS again! After all that fussing and fighting they just got together for a Beer! Does this mean they're going to get together to smash watermelons with sledgehammers and tell silly jokes? Is it Okay with the Original Gallagher if his Little Brother goes on Tour with the crazy Melon Smashin' again? Is . . . Huh? . . . Oh, it's not the Gallagher Comedy Brothers who have gotten back together, it's those Crazy British Rock Star Gallagher Brothers. Eh . . . That's interesting. Those guys are kinda funny, too. Remember when one of em was talking about his kids? "All the boys want to do is fight. I will take on a Three Year Old anytime. I WILL FUCK YOU UP!!!" That guy is FUNNY! Is he the one with that Band called Beady Eye? Can the American Watermelon Gallaghers have that "I will take on a Three Year Old anytime" bit? Maybe the younger one can do it instead of the Watermelon thing. Beady Eye Music, Mate!
It's GOT To Be A Better Movie Than "You've Got Mail" . . .
How long until they whip up a Broadway Musical based on "The Room"? One year? Two years? You just know that somebody out there is talking about it. Or "jabbering and waving their hands around about it", to be more accurate. There will be a whole chorus line of Wisseaus. They'll sing while throwing a ball around. Nah, where are you gonna find a bunch of Musical Theater guys who can sing and dance while throwing a ball around? Call the Community Theater in Alabama! Get Paul Westerberg to Work on the "You're Tearing Me Apart" Song! Uh . . . Lobsters1 still hasn't seen "The Room" and doesn't know enough about it to go on with the "Broadway Musical Based On 'The Room'" bit. How about a Musical version of "Petey Wheatstraw The Devil's Son In Law"? Anybody here ever seen "Petey Wheatstraw The Devil's Son In Law"? Huh? Huh? No? Nobody? I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG AROUND WITH YOU GUYS!!!
There is NO WAY Trump can get away with firing Bob Mueller and Bob Mueller KNOWS IT! That's why Bob never shows up for Work until Noon and has been wearing the same pair of Cargo Shorts and Flip Flops for the past two months. Once Bob finally stops doing Steve Martin Stand Up Routines for the Guys in the Mail Room he goes in his Office, puts on 'Dark Side Of The Moon", and smokes a Big Ol' Doob while Staff Members try to give him a Briefing on whatever kind of "Donald Trump Stole The Election" bullshit they've been up to lately "DREAM ON, bitches!" Bob drawls as he picks up an acoustic guitar his Old Buddy Willie Nelson (Or was it Jimmy Buffet? Whatever!) gave him to Sing his "Collusion Confusion" Song over and over until Quittin' Time "QUITTIN' TIME? It'll be at least a YEAR until that shit gets here! This is ONE SWEET GIG! UNLESS I GET FIRED!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!! Who drank all my Pabst Blue Ribbon?" Bill Murray wants to make a Movie as Bob Mueller and Bob says "Wow . . . If I experience the same day every day over and over again I might be able to figure out where I left my 'We're An American Band' Eight Track! WHOA!"
Yeah, SHUT UP about Tom Hanks running for President. That is too silly for even the Lobsters1 Blog! Tom Hanks is never going to be President and here is why - If Tom Hanks is ever dumb enough to announce that he is running for President the very first thing every Red Blooded American will ask is "Why wasn't Tom Hanks in 'Police Academy'?" Tom Hanks was already in "Bachelor Party" which was Written and Directed by the same guy* who Wrote and Directed "Police Academy", if Tom Hanks was in "Bachelor Party" why wasn't he is "Police Academy"? Huh? What, "Police Academy" wasn't GOOD ENOUGH for Mister Hollywood Elite Smarty Pants? OOOOOHHH, you're TOO GOOD for "Police Academy"? I bet if you had been born a few years earlier you would have been TOO GOOD to go to VIETNAM!!! HUH? HUH? What, did you avoid service in "Police Academy" by lying about some bullshit Medical condition? YOU CANDY ASS! Who was in "Police Academy"? Steve Guttenberg? Hey, Steve Guttenberg! If you had been born a few years earlier would you have gone to Vietnam? Steve Guttenberg looks up from his Lunch with mild curiosity "Uh . . . Yeah . . . Sure! If I had been born a few years earlier I would have gone to Vietnam. Yeah . . . Why not?" GUTTENBERG IN 2020!!!! HE WOULD HAVE GONE TO VIETNAM!!!! "Yeah . . . Uh huh."
* Ask the next French guy you run into.
OH! OH! ONCE YOU GET STARTED WITH THIS POLITICAL CRAP THERE IS NO END TO IT!
More DIRT on this Tom Hanks guy! His supporters would tell you "Yeah, okay - Tom Hanks wasn't in 'Police Academy' but he was in 'Splash'! Huh? 'Splash'! Okay? 'Splash'!" "If only I had not been shot in the head by John Wilkes Booth 'Splash' would have been my favorite Movie." - Abraham Lincoln Well, first of all, Abe, I bet you have never seen 'Battle Royale' and, second, did you know that Tom Hanks was only in "Splash" because Bill Murray turned it down? YEAH! They wanted Bill Murray to be in "Splash" but he . . . Aw, who the hell knows why Bill Murray does the shit he does? Anyway, they only want Tom Hanks to run for President because Bill Murray already turned it down. YEAH! They wanted Bill Murray to run for President but he . . . Aw, who the hell knows why Bill Murray does the shit he does? Did you know that Japanese Guy Actor was in "Battle Royale" because Bill Murray turned it down? YEAH! They wanted Bill Murray to be in "Battle Royale" but he . . . Okay, went too far with the Bill Murray thing. What the heck, SOMEBODY'S gotta do somerhing with the Bill Murray thing! He ain't doing nothing with it.
BIG COMEDY WRITING NEWS!
The Ivy League Douche and The Black Guy With The Tremendous Space Between His Eyes who have been sitting behind the desk and looking at the camera during "Week End Update" have been made THE HEAD WRITERS on "Saturday Night Live"! Congradulations, Ivy League Douche and Black Guy With The Tremendous Space Between Your Eyes! In further Drinking Coffee And Scribbling Bad Ideas In Notebbooks News, John Saleeby has been made the Head Writer on "The Devil Is A Sissy" Comedy Podcast. Yeah, John Saleeby has always been the ONLY Writer on "The Devil Is A Sissy" but now he is the HEAD WRITER! ALL RIGHT! Wait! More Exciting "The Devil Is A Sissy" News! John Saleeby has been made the HEAD LISTENER on "The Devil Is A Sissy" Comedy Podcast! Yeah, John Saleeby has always been the ONLY Listener on "The Devil Is A Sissy" but now . . . Aw, crap . . . www.thedevilisasissy.com
Sixties Guys always talk about Vietnam. The Closest Seventies Guys got to Vietnam was Aerosmith Concerts. A lot of Seventies Guys went to Aerosmith Concerts and never made it back, man. The difference between a Sixties Guy who went to Vietnam and never made it back and a Seventies Guy who went to an Aerosmith Concert and never made it back was no one missed a Seventies Guy who went to an Aerosmith Concert and never made it back. People got so tired of making a Big Fuss over Sixties Guys who went to Vietnam and never made it back they never even noticed any Seventies Guy who went to an Aerosmith Concert and never made it back. It was just assumed they'd gone backstage and got their brains blown out playing Russian Roullette with Steven Tyler and Brad Whitford. Yeah, Francis Ford Coppola got that "Saigon . . . SHIT!" line in "Apocolypse Now" from hanging with Aerosmith and Joe Perry saying "'Dream On' . . . SHIT!" Why so many Joe Perry Jokes around here? WHAT? Not enough Ace Frehley Jokes for you? Hey! What would it have been like if Ace Frehley had gone to Vietnam? "If you do an 'Ace Frehley In Vietnam' Comedy Bit I am going to get very angry!" Uh Oh! It's GEORGE TAKEI in "The Green Berets"! Let's get ouuta here!
GODDAMMIT!!! Lobsters1 just found out that a Canadian Comedian named Baldhead Bobby has been doing Comedy Bits from the Lobsters1 Blog on his Canadian TV Show and now Lobsters1 is going up to Canada to beat the shit out of EVERYBODY! Where's that Ball Peen Hammer? Gonna pack up that Ball Peen Hammer and go to Canada to . . . What? WHAT?!? There is NO SUCH PERSON as a Canadian Comedian named Baldhead Bobby? What . . . What . . . Why did you tell me . . . What . . . What . . . It was all an elaborate HOAX just to get me OUT OF TOWN?!? BASTARDS!!! I am gonna . . . Wait a Minute!! Last Week when you told Al Roker that some TV Weatherman on The North Pole was pulling all of his Best Gags on the Eskimos . . . Good Job, My Man! Good Job! Somebody do that shit to Glenn Beck! Send his silly ass off to INDIA! HA!
What are we going to do with Matthew Perry? Has anyone seen him since he was on "The Odd Couple"? I know nobody saw him while he was ON "The Odd Couple" has anybody seen Matthew Perry since they cancelled "The Odd Couple"? "The Odd Couple" with Matthew Perry and Tom Lennon SOUNDED like it would be a good Show but once you saw it . . . Maybe we should have tried smelling it first. With Felix running around cleaning the apartment all the time I bet that Show smelled pretty good. And then Oscar comes in from the Mets game with a Hot Dog in his pocket - GREAT SHOW! But now the Show is cancelled and poor Matthew Perry is covering himself with Bar B Q Sauce in the path of one of them crazy California Freak Ass Fires. That's why California is burning all up - They cancel Sit Coms and the Stars are sparking themselves up like Buddhist Monks protesting NBC cancelling "The Monkees" or some psychedelic Sixties shit. At least Tom Lennon is busy Writing Three Hundred Thousand Comedy Movie Scripts a Year but what about Matthew Perry? Is Joe Perry his Dad? Was Matthew left alone with Steven Tyler one afternoon when he was a child? Tom Lennon Wrote that lost bit, not Lobsters1! Tom Lennon!
THE LOBSTERS1 BLOG CARES AND LETS YOU SHARE
America's response to The Lobsters1 Blog's "What Are We Going To Do With Matthew Perry?" demonstrates once again that Our Nation never fails to reach out and help a Friend in need. Millions of "Friends" fans were moved to contact Matthew Perry and remind him how much they Love and Care about him. Hollywood's Top Celebrities gathered in an LA Studio to Record "We Love You Matthew Perry, You Can Crash In Our Shed". CBS has decided to bring back "The Odd Couple", only without Tom Lennon as Felix and called "The Odd Puffy Guy". And just an hour ago Lobsters1 heard from Matthew Perry himself - "Thanks, Lobsters1! You Da Man! Come on out to Hollywood! You are gonna be the Showrunner on 'The Odd Puffy Guy'! You are gonna be the Top Comedy Writer in LA! You are gonna make SO MUCH MONEY!!! We"RE GONNA MAKE MOVIES!!! WE ARE GONNA . . . "
What an asshole.
Jim Dickinson would be a Household Name if he hadn't been FAT. Don't know who Jim Dickinson was? That's cause he was fat. Not that he was OBESE. If Jim Dickinson had been obese not even LObsters1 would know who he was. But, just to give you a little clue as to who that fat Jim Dickinson guy was - He was a Record Producer. And if he had not been fat Jim Dickinson would be right up there with Phil Spector and George Martin as one of The Greatest Record Producers Of All Time. Neither Phil Spector or George Martin were fat, it should be pointed out. If Phil Spector and George Martin had been fat they never would have gotten Married to Ronnie Spector or Worked with The Beatles . . . Uh . . . For the benefit for those of you who had no idea who Jim Dickinson was, Phil Spector was Married to Ronnie Spector and George Martin Worked with The Beatles. Geez, talking about Record Producers with people who don't know who Jim Dickinson was is kind of a PAIN. But at least now you know that he was fat as well as some other stuff about Ronnie Spector and The Beatles that you probably won't remember. What? Rick Rubin? I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG AROUND WITH YOU GUYS!!!!
Alex Chilton's hobby was wandering into New Orleans Record Stores and freaking out over Alex Chilton Records he had no memory of Recording "Huh? An album by me called 'Remind Me To Pick Up A Can Of Lima Beans'? When the hell did I make that one?" "Oh, you Recorded that in Memphis around the time you did 'My Neighbor's Dog Got Hit By A Truck'." the Stoner behind the Check Out Counter would tell him "Oh, yeah . . . " Alex would say as he looked at the Posters on the walls wondering if he Produced or Played Guitar on any of the Records they were Promoting "'My Neighbor's Dog Got Hit By A Truck' . . . Uh huh . . . Hey! 'Captain Fantastic And The Brown Dirt Cowboy'! This is one of the best Records I ever did!" "That's an ELTON JOHN album, Alex! We only put that with your Records to mess with your head!" "Oh. It was funnier when you put that Fake Vomit with my Records to mess with my head." Then Alex would leave before any one could start talking about The Replacements "The Replacements? I thought YOU were The Replacements! Heh!"
White House Press Briefings were so CONTENTIOUS until Sarah Huckabee Sanders came in one day and handed out CDs of the first Cheap Trick Album to all the Reporters. Now everybody is HAPPY and every Press Briefing is FUN! "Are there any questions today before I put on that Cheap Trick CD and WE KICK SOME ASS!?" "Yes, Sarah?" "Uh huh?" "Which of the three Songs at thre beginning of Side One do you like the most?" "DUDE! Isn't it totally AWESOME how those three Songs kinda FIT TOGETHER like kind of a SET?" "HELL YEAH!" "I like 'Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace'! (Imitates Guitar Riff) Ba Ba Ba Bop Ba Ba . . . " "YEAH!" "YEAH!" "YEAH!" "Did you know that 'Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace' isn't an original Cheap Trick tune? It's a COVER!" "WHOA!!" "NO WAY!!" "Who Wrote it?" "Some dude called Terry Reid!" "Terry Reid?" Frantic scribbling in notebooks "When Jimmy Page was first putting Led Zeppelin together he almost got Terry Reid to be the Singer instead of Robert Plant!" One of the Reporters has a stroke. Donald Trump runs in wearing an AC/DC Sweat Shirt "What's the matter with you?" He barks "Don't you know Joe Perry has Terry Reid Singing on his new Solo Album? And DAVID JOHANSON!!" Everybody throws a fit and starts rolling around on the floor foaming at the mouth. Except for the guy from CNN who wants to know if Bun E. Carlos has had any Meetings with the Russians.*
*HAW HAW HAW!
Some Woman named Omarosa has left the White House Staff and people who have not been holding a seething grudge against her for the past Thirty Years or so are mystified over all the fuss. What did she do that she is so controversial? It must have all happened that two days Lobsters1 was in the Hospital with Pneumonia and couldn't pay attention to the News Of The Day. Yeah, Lobsters1 was in the Hospital falling out of the bed every fifteen minutes and America was going out of it's mind over some outrage committed by a good looking Black Woman with a weird name and a few years later when she was hired by the Trump Administration instead of Beyonce it was the biggest atrocity since 9/11. Wow, Lobsters1 envies anybody lucky enough to have been in the Hospital with Pneumonia on 9/11! "Oh, THAT'S why I couldn't get anybody to help me when I fell out of the bed! They were too busy trying to help the poor bastards who fell out of the World Trade Center!" Maybe that's why they hate Omarosa so much - She tells too many 9/11 Jokes "One more 9/11 Joke and you're outta here!! Now get me another Diet Coke!!"
More Omarosa News! America Can't Enough Of This Shit!
White Folks are WORE OUT from pretending to get what was so funny about Robin Roberts calling Omarosa "Felicia" on "Good Morning America". Robin Roberts called Omarosa "Felicia" and the whole World went out of it's Mind while all the White People stood around going "Ha, Felicia. Ha Ha. That's hilarious. Felicia. Ha." A few White People worked up the nerve to begin to inquire what was the point of the "Felicia" thing but were quickly shut down by other White People terrified of what Robin Roberts might call them "There's no telling what she might come up with! Can you imagine if she called you . . . Uh . . . 'Eric'? OH GOD!!!" So do not miss "Good Morning Felicia" on ABC Starring Robin Roberts and Eric Stephanopolis!
Why is it such a BIG DEAL that Trump is drinking Diet Coke all the Time? The only people who are outraged over Trump drinking Diet Coke are people who go to Starbucks to spend too much Money on Frothy Foamy Foo Foo Coffee Drinks you suck out of a little hole in a plastic lid. How dare people who suck out of a little hole in a plastic lid look down their noses at people who suck out of a plastic straw? Yet ANOTHER Cultural Divide to have us Fussin' and Fightin' Far and Wide! I'm just terrified what is going to happen when those Mountain Dew Maniacs find out about Trump and those Diet Cokes. And the Red Bull people! THE RED BULL PEOPLE! (Runs around checking windows and locks. Hides under table praying for an hour) And that "Diet" in "Diet Coke" concerns me. Trump doesn't strike me as a "Diet" kind of guy. Is that REALLY Diet Coke he is drinking? Or is he actually drinking . . . Oh, an email from the New York Times! A Job as an Investigative Journalist? Let's chug a few bottles of Cough Syrup and mull it over . . .
Lobsters1 heard that Donald Trump drinks a dozen cans of Diet Coke a day and decided to drink a dozen cans of Diet Coke in one day just to see what happens. Just a Test. An Experiment. You know, just to see what happens. Cause Donald Trump drinks a dozen cans of Diet Coke a day. That's twelve cans of Diet Coke a day, right? A dozen cans of Diet Coke is twelve cans of Diet Coke, right? Donald Trump drinks a dozen cans of Diet Coke in a day so Donald Trump drinks twelve cans of Diet Coke in a day, right? Right? Twelve? Right? A dozen? Right? Donald Trump? Right? Diet Coke? Right? Lobsters1 drank a dozen cans of Diet Coke in a day and twelve cans of Diet Coke in the same day, right? Right? For a Test? An Experiment? Trump? Right? Lobsters1 sees Faces on the Furniture demanding him to set himself on fire. Right? Right? Open a Twitter account. Tweet.! Tweet! Chest hurts. Can't breath. KISS ME, LIZ TAYLOR!!!! (Dies)
Four utterly worthless people were killed yesterday in yet another Terror Attack on a Classic Rock Radio Station by Rod Stewart And The Faces "Why don't any of you Classic Rock arses play our Records on your shite Radio Stations, eh?" Rod Stewart growled into the Mic on WZZAZ FM The Rock Of Hattiesburg as machine gun fire and screams of agony were heard in the background "Wow!" says WZZAZ listener Tod Clinton "I thought it was one of those Death Metal Records!" WZZAZ was the fourteenth Classic Rock Radio Station to be demolished by the Seventies Rock Band this month with a total of Sixty Three Radio Station Employees killed and a Twenty Percent increase in CD Sales of Rod Stewart And The Faces Albums "We really should get around to doing something about that." a Spokesman for the Department Of Homeland Security said "But those Radio people all suck and Rod Stewart And The Faces are almost as good as Three Doors Down!"
Many Years ago Chevy Chase and Eric Idle, the guy in Monty Python who has turned out to be as screwed up as Chevy Chase, Wrote a Script for a National Lampoon Movie where the Griswald Family went to Australia "I think it was called 'The National Lampoon Australian Vacation'" says a Man with an uncanny ability to voice the obvious "No one likes this Blog and you are wasting your time!" Get the Hell out of here! Why was this Script (Which could have quite possibly have been called 'The Griswalds Go To Australia' "Oh, that's stupid!" I said get the Hell out of here, Voicing The Obvious Guy!) never turned into a Movie? "Because Chevy Chase and Eric Idle are such an annoying couple of jerks no one wanted to be involved in their crap!" Excuse me, but why don't you go do your own Blog? "Hey, Lobsters1, you ought to call this Blog 'The Griswalds Go To Australia'!" Uh . . . What do you mean? "Because it ain't going nowhere!" Oh, crap!