Enjoy Our Quality Comedy Podcast "The Devil Is A Sissy" at www.thedevilisasissy.com
"Swords up and knock the shit out of everybody" - Barry Hannah
Messin' With CNN . . .
Are the School Shooting Survivor Kids' comments on CNN scripted by the Network? Let's look at some Comments from these Brave Children that have been heard on CNN . . .
"Boy, those Jake Tapper Cartoons are FUNNY! Jake Tapper Cartoons on Sunday Morning are the Entertainment Highlight of my Week!"
"Jake Tapper is a Cartoonist God! Seth McFarlane is not good enough to shine Jake Tapper's Shoes! They let Seth McFarlane Host the Academy Awards, when are they going to let Jake Tapper Host the Academy Awards?"
"Jake Tapper could do a better Animated Show than 'Family Guy' or 'American Dad'! When is a Network going to give Jake Tapper Five Million Dollars to do an Animated Show? YAY, JAKE!!!"
"You know who else is GREAT? BROOKE BALDWIN!!!! I think she is . . . I'm sorry, you're going to have to pay me A LOT MORE MONEY to say that shit!"
It's only February but the Battle to get an Ace Frehley Balloon in this Year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has BEGUN! Hey, Ace! Get outta bed! The Battle to get a Balloon of your Crazy Self in the Thanksgiving Day Parade has BEGUN! "Oh, you should time it so the Alarm Clock goes off at the exact same instant you say 'BEGUN'!" Oh . . . Okay . . . "You make me listen to that before I can get some Coffee and I'm gonna strangle you." Okay, Ace.
STEP ONE IN "OPERATION GET AN ACE BALLOON IN THAT FRIGGIN' PARADE - Ace Goes To Macy's To MAKE THE CASE!
"Where's Mister Macy? Mister Macy! Mister Macy! I'm Ace Frehley! Say, what are you eating?"
"Ace, this isn't Macy's. You wandered into International House Of Pancakes by mistake."
"PANCAKES!?! DON'T MIND IF I DO!!
"Ace . . . "
"Look at me! I'm wearin' a stack o' pancakes for a HAT! I'm Guardin' Buckinham Palace!!!"
Eh , it's only February, right? We have plenty of Time to work on getting that Balloon in the Parade, right? We've done enough for now, right?
A TOP SECRET MEETING WITH TRUMP AND PUTIN !
"Here is Evil Plan, Comrade Donald!"
"Why are you talking like that? Who talks like that?"
"Sorry, just trying to sound all Espionage-like."
"Don't try so hard!"
"Anyway, here's the Plan - We buy ads on Face Book that will provke even more fussing and bickering during the Election than usual."
"Uh . . . So that's it?"
"Face Book ads? That's the BIG PLAN?"
"Yes, Face Book ads."
"Nothing like hacking into Computers to steal Votes and all kinds of crazy shit like that?"
"What? Is that even possible?"
"I don't know! But . . . "
"So what do you think of the Face Book thing? HARD CORE, huh?"
"Eh . . . Talk to me about it with your Scary Russian Mobster voice."
"Buy ad on Face Book! Much DISCHORD! Destroy Democracy!"
"Well . . . if you put it that way . . . "
"When Trump return Peter Frampton Eight Track?"
"Trump borrow Peter Frampton Eight Track! NO RETURN!"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You're a DICK!!!"
Rockin' Joe Scarborough has a new Gun Protest Song but but every time he starts to Sing it on "Morning Joe" everybody turns the TV off to go out and buy a Gun. So far eleven Guns have been bought by "Morning Joe" Viewers.
(Silence. Lobsters1 looks around)
Because only ELEVEN people watch "Morning Joe"! When he Sings his Gun Protest Song everybody watching "Morning Joe" buys a Gun. But only Eleven People watch . . . Oh! Turns out that every time Lobsters1 makes fun of Joe Scarborough in his Blog everybody shuts off their PC to watch "Mornng Joe". So now TWELVE people watch "Morning Joe".
(Silence. Lobsters1 looks around)
Hey, at least Silence is better than a Joe Scarborough Song!
Nothing Funnier than a Monkey so when Professional Monkey Boy Michael Rapaport got fired from Barstool Sports Lobsters1 immediately gave him a Job here at The Lobsters1 Blog. We're starting him off slow cause we don't want to have to change his Diaper more than once an hour so his duties so far are just sticking his head in the toilet, flushing the toilet, and giving himself a "Swirlie". And then Rapaport goes over to The Dollar Tree across the Highway and Sings "Swirlie! Swirlie! I gave myself a Swirlie!" And the Lady Cashier over there at The Dollar Tree will change Michael's Diaper for a can of Mountain Dew! Why did they fire that guy from Barstool Sports? Oh, Yeah - He's a Monkey.
People are forever telling Lobsters1 that he went to High School with Patricia Clarkson. There are a Million things Lobsters1 does not remember from High School and one of them is Patricia Clarkson. "Oh, she is an Actress and she was in 'The Untouchables'?" There are a Million things Lobsters1 does not remember from "The Untouchables" and . . . "Sean Connery was in it, right? Did I go to High School with Sean Connery? Was Sean Connery with us when we all went to Biloxi to see Aerosmith and they SUCKED?" "THAT SUCKED!!!" "What sucked, Sean?" "THAT CONCERT SUCKED!!!" "I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE SAYING!!!" But getting back to Patricia Clarkson, was she one of those Hot Lesbians in "Bound"? NO? Well, to Hell with her. So what if Lobsters1 went to High School with her? What is Lobsters1 supposed to do, make a Comic Book called "My Friend Clarkson"? LOBSTERS1 DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
Wowie Zowie! That CNN thing with the School Shooting Survivor Kids was such a BIG HIT Fox News is gonna do a Show just like it with the Survivors of the next Islamic Terror Attack! Unless the next Terror Attack is in France, of course. That Show would SUCK! Especially if that Eagles Of Death Metal Band is involved. Hopefully the next Terror Attack in France will Feature a Cool Band like . . . It's hard to imagine what Fox News idea of a Cool Band would be. But Fox News will definitely have Marc Rubio on their Show because it's fun to watch people gang up on Marc Rubio. Maybe they can have Rand Paul getting ganged up on by ALL of the people in his Neighborhood AT ONCE. That would be HILARIOUS! Comedy Central should do that. But they'll screw it up and put Amy Schumer in it. Hey, a whole bunch of people in Syria got killed! CNN is gonna do a Show with Syrviving Surians just as soon as Jake Tapper can teach em to Speak English "Repeat after me . . . NRA kill my Family . . . NRA kill my Family . . . "
Lobsters1 feels bad about this - Lobsters1 already has so many things to feel bad about he is numb (At least in his Skull) - The Big Rumor is that Ben Shapiro, the Conan O'Brien of Conservative Media, is about to save Glenn Beck's ass by buying out his sorry mess of a Media Empire. Unfortunately for Glenn Beck, all those Phone Calls from Ben Shapiro are in Reality Lobsters1 doing a cruel Crank Call thing (Lobsters1 found Beck's Phone Number in the Yellow Pages under "Losers"). Ben Shapiro has no interest in buying anything from Glenn Beck. Ben Shapiro is too busy TALKING REALLY REALLY FAST to do anything but collapse on the floor when he is finally finished talking. Ha! Ben Shapiro "finally finished talking" - That's a Good One! Lobsters1 would do a cruel impression of Ben Shapiro TALKING REALLY REALLY FAST on his Pod Cast but he is hoping Ben Shapiro will buy out his sorry mess of a Media Empire. Hey, Ben! Check out www.thedevilisasissy.com ! Hell, Beck probably has a few bucks left left to throw away - Hey, Glenn! Get a load of www.thedevilisasissy.com !!!! You're dumb enough to think it's funny.
Lobsters1 had a thing with Asia Argento Years ago when he was in Italy playing "The Little Creepy Guy" in Lasagna Biker Movies. You know how they called Westerns made in Italy "Spaghetti Westerns"? They also called Biker Movies made in that crazy country "Lasagna Biker Movies". If Asia Argento wasn't Lobsters1's Regular Girlfriend he would have went to Germany and gotten a gig playing "The Little Creepy Zombie" in U Boat Zombie Movies. You know how they called Beach Party Movies made in Germany "Dive Bomber Beach Party Movies"? They also called Zombie Movies made in that creepy country "U Boat Zombie Movies". But Lobsters1 had Asia Argento so to Hell with Germany! Anyway, Lobsters1 had to break up with Asia cause she started getting too many tattoos. They were spending all their time in Tattoo Parlors! Lobsters1 had Lasagna Biker Movies to make! But Asia is cool. Next time you see her try to find her "Little Creepy Guy" tattoo.
Kids Say The Darnest Things . . .
Oh Dear. Did you see that High School Shooting Survivor Girl on CNN this Morning bragging about how it will be easy for them to beat the Second Amendment people because "We are making an EMOTIONAL argument and they are making a LOGICAL argument"? Wow. Oh Boy. And then she got to the "People in SHOW BUSINESS support us! People in the ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY support us!" bit. And I thought I felt sorry for those kids LAST Week.
Yeah, you Teenage Kids have a good reason to be all cranky and bummed out these days. But you're starting to get on our nerves so you're gonna have to listen to an Aerosmith Album and cheer the fuck up. Here, sit down and listen to "Rocks"! We used to listen to "Rocks" every day when were Teenagers in the Seventies and it always cheered us up and if it doesn't cheer you up you're just assholes. You like that Song? "That's "Back In The Sadde"! I'M BAAAAAACK!!!! I'M BAAAACK IN THE SAAAAAAADLE AGAAAAAAAAIN!!!! I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!! Where are you little shits going? Another Anti Gun Rally? Shoulda played em some Ted Nugent. Where's that "Double Live Gonzo" Eight Track? Oh, they're gone. I hate being around them anyway. Let's listen to the first Cheap Trick Album.
People in Canada are so heartbroken over Rush breaking up that Trudeau guy can't wear Cute Funny Socks any more. What good is that Trudeau guy without Cute Funny Socks? First no Rush and then no Cute Funny Socks from that Trudeau guy? Our Neighbor Nation to the North is Going South! Uh, sorry, Canadians - That was a Joke "How can you make Jokes when we have to learn to Live without Rush and Cute Funny Socks . . . " I think you're getting a little carried away with the Cute Funny Socks" "If that Trudeau guy can't wear Cute Funny Socks he might start wearing FLIP FLOPS!!" "I just saw NEIL PEART going out to check the Mail Box in front of his House and he was wearing FLIP FLOPS!!!" "The only thing that will hold our Nation together is a Kids In The Hall reunion!" Eh . . . I'm pretty sure there is going to be a Kids In The Hall reunion any way. "Well, how about a Loverboy reunion?" I didn't know Loverboy was a Canadian Band. "Wha . . . You must be an American." You're Goddam right! "What are you doing in this conversation?" What am I . . . This is my Blog! "Well, Write a thing about Rush getting back together and then at least everything will be Okay here at this Blog." Let me try that . . . Hey! RUSH IS GETTING BACK TOGETHER AFTER ALL!!! They're recording a new Album and then they're gonna do a WORLD TOUR!!! "Oh, well, I'm going to wear my Socks with the little guys walking around in short pants all over em!" Yeah, you do that, Trudeau guy. I'm going to . . . Anywhere but here.
Today was President's Day and that means all the Ex Presidents got together in the Backyard to Barbque a little, drink some Beer, blast a little Creedence, and throw Jimmy Carter into the Pool a few Times. Keep throwing him into the Pool until he has a Psychotic Flashback to when he fell off of a Submarine during World War Two and does something funny. Goddam, it is FUNNY when Jimmy Carter has a Psychotic Flasback! It's the Highlight of the President's Day Party! Who needs a Fireworks Display when you've got Jimmy Carter splashing around in the Swimming Pool screaming about a Submarine? It is SO FUNNY!! Oh, John McCain doesn't think that's funny? Screw John McCain. Oh, you didn't like that? I didn't say "Screw Jimmy Carter" Lobsters1 has the utmost respect and admiration for Jimmy Carter. No, not because he was a Great President. Lobsters1 has the utmost respect and admiration for Jimmy Carter because it is SO FUNNY when he has a Psychotic Flasback and starts screaming about Submarines! IT IS SO FUNNY!!! You think John McCain could ever be that funny? NO WAY! You know what happens when you throw John McCain into a Swimming Pool? He just sinks to the Bottom like a Sack Of Clams until Lindsey Graham dives in and saves him. Which is pretty funny but then you have to watch Lindsey Graham give John McCain Mouth-To-Mouth and then you have to watch Jennifer Connolly's Ass-To-Ass Scene in "Requiem For A Dream" to cheer yourself up. Jimmy Carter is funnier than that. Uh . . . Probably should have stopped before getting to the John McCain stuff, huh? The GOP should have stopped before getting to the John McCain stuff in 2008 but that's . . . Eh, Screw President's Day! Why did Lobsters1 have to go to Work? Lobsters1 had to go to Work on President's Day but you didn't have to go to Work on President's Day? Drop Dead, man! DROP DEAD!!
Ellen degeneres wants to be that guy in the Trivago Commercials so bad it is killing her!! "She thought she was doing so well with that Day Time Talk Show and a Girlfriend that was really cute on TV back in the Nineties. But then those damn Trivago Commercials came along and Ellen's Existence has been stripped of all Meaning!" "That Guy! THAT GUY! I have GOT to be THAT GUY!! He is EVERYTHING I have ever set out to be!" Degeneres' Representatives have made a generous offer to the Trivago Guy's Representatives to have him take over Ellen's Talk Show and Girlfriend that was really cute way back in the Nineties so Ellen can take over the Trivago Commercials and whatever the Trivago Guy is involved with "It doesn't really matter what kind of person that Trivago Guy is messing around with, Ellen has the utmost respect and understanding for anyone on the Infinite Spectrum of Human Sexuality - Ellen just has to be the Trivago Guy no matter what it takes to be the Trivago Guy!!!" Unfortunately, the Trivago has said that if he did a Talk Show it would be something like "that really cool one Craig Kilborn did on CBS for a little while" and who ever he is messing around with is "way cuter RIGHT NOW than Ellen's Girlfriend was on 'Ally McBeal' way back in the Nineties. WAY cuter! A WHOLE LOT CUTER!!!" Be nice, Trivago Guy "Craig Kilborn RULES!!!" Okay.
Lobsters1 is making so much Money off of The Lobsters1 Blog he could have retired from Working in the Drive Thru Window at Dippitty Do Do Nuts. But he's still Working there because the Owners of Dippitty Do Do Nuts agreed to rebuild the Location Lobsters1 Works at using Lobsters1's OWN DESIGN! The Guy isn't just a Comedy Sensation, he is an Archetechtural Whiz! Just look at this Picture of the rebuilt Dippity Do Do Nuts at 1300 Peckerhead Drive! DIG THOSE ELEPHANTS! Lobsters1 designed them! By the way, when you want to pick up a Cup of Coffee and some Do Nuts at The Drive Thru Window at Dippitty Do Do Nuts Drive Thru Window just pull up to those Stairs in the front, go around the first Elephant on the right . . No, No . . . The first Elephant on the left . . . Hold on a sec . . . Wait a minute . . . What? I'm FIRED?! Well, if I gotta go I'm taking my Elephants with me! And . . . I don't owe you Money! YOU owe ME Money! DIPPITY DO DO NUTS IS NOTHING WITHOUT LOBSTES1!!! NOTHING! Aw . . . crap.
They wanted Andrew Dice Clay to Play Colonel Sanders like all the other Comics who Played Colonel Sanders in those KFC Commercials but the Deal fell through when Dice insisted his Buddy Vinnie The Squid be in the Commercials with him dressed up like Popeye The Sailor "Cause I like Popeye's FRied Chicken better than KFC's Fried Chicken! Popeye's is THE BEST! KFC is Okay but if you don't wanna go all out and say 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' you're half assed and I ain't eatin' no half assed chicken!! Hey, I'm willing to wear the beard! I'm a Team Player! I ain't shaved since Tuesday! What? Them other guys that were doin' the 'Colonel Sanders' thing were wearin' FAKE Beards?!?? That is HALF ASSED!!! I AIN'T WEARIN'NO HALF ASSED BEARD!!! I ain't gettin' involved in this half assed operation! Vinnie, take off that Popeye The Sailor costume! I'm gonna put on that Popeye The Sailr Cotume and I'm gonna go make some Popeye's Fried Chicken Commercials that are gonna kick them half assed KFC asshats right in the ass! Uh . . . Better yet, take off that Popeye The Sailor costume and take it to the Dry Cleaners before I put it on. You're a Great Guy but you're sweatin' like . . . I better not say that! I'll lose myPopeye The End.
Wow, are Professional Basketball Players THE COOLEST GUYS IN THE WORLD or what!?! Man, if you don't make at least Fifty Million Dollars a Year, have sex with at least a Dozen Women a Day, and threaten to kill somebody at least Once every Three Minutes you are a LOSER! Well, I'm pretty sure Professional Basketball Players have a better word for it than "Loser". What does Lobsters1 know? He doesn't make Fifty Million Dollars a Year, have sex with a Dozen Women a Day . . . Oh, but he DOES threaten to kill somebody at least once every Three Minutes. That's why Lobsters1 gets his ass kicked at least Once Every Three Minutes. That guy is such a . . . Lobsters1 has really got to find out what word Professional Basketball Players . . . . . . Aw, To Hell with those retards.
Ever heard of Barry Crimmins? He's a Stand Up Comic and Anti Kiddie Porn Activist. Originally Jon Stewart was going to be the Anti Kiddie Porn Activist but then Comedy Central offered him a job Hosting "The Daily Show" so George Lopez was going to be the Anti Kiddie Porn Guy. But then ABC offered Lopez a Sit Com so Kevin James was going to do the Anti Kiddie Porn thing until CBS asked him to do "The King Of Queens". Finally America's Kiddie Porn Problem was so Horrific they turned to Lobsters1 but Lobsters1 told em "SCREW THAT! I'm gonna do a COMEDY PODCAST and by 2018 it's gonna be THE BIGGEST PODCAST ON THE INTERNET and I'm gonna be a ZILLIONAIRE!!!!" So then . . . Oh, yeah . . . Barry Crimmins. Or is it Krimmins? Who cares?
What can we kid around about on the Blog that will get your Mind off that High School Shooting? How about that ROB PORTER guy? Is that funny? A WIFE BEATER has been Working in the White House and The Chief Of Staff knew about it The Whole Time? Is that funny? Hey, how about if a guy who SHOT A BUNCH OF KIDS WHILE HE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL was Working in the White House and the Chief Of Staff knew about it The Whole Time? That could be funny. Yeah, we find out that the guy who shot up that School in Sandy Hook has been Working in the Oval Office with Donald Trump for more than a Year. Trump finds out and he's all "HUH? That was the SANDY HOOK Guy? So THAT'S where I saw him before. I thought maybe he was one of the kids from 'Head Of The Class'. Huh!"
Well, we sure Hope you enjoyed this Comedy Bit and it helped you forget about all those kids that got shot! The NRA paid us a lot of Money for that and we want to get paid a lot of Money again the next Time a bunch of kids get shot.
Those Exercise Machines they are trying to sell to Fat People these days are too delicate looking. Fat People go through Life avoiding any kind of contact with anything that might break under the pressure of their tremendous bulk. Anybody who weighs more than One Hundred And Eighty Pounds gets on top of those silly Machines and it is obviously going to fall apart before they can lose more than Fifteen Pounds. And those Machines aren't anything any Fat Guy wants to have collapse beneath him - Too many pointy looking things he might get impaled on and explode like a Big Squishy Zeppelin. It was terrible to see the Hindenburg explode but seeing General Hindenburg explode would have just been kind of gross. That's why they didn't have any crazy Exercise Machines in Germany One Hundred Years Ago If only German Industry had gone to Work Manufacturing Pointy Exercise Machines instead of Dive Bombers and U Boats! Has Lobsters1 kind of wandered off here? That's OK, if Lobsters1 had not been Writing he would have wandered off and gotten lost in some strange Neighborhood again. But at least all that wandering gets him exercise without having to buy some stupid Machine. He's saving up for a U BOAT!
The FBI is catching flak for neglecting to check out Warning Signs on the latest High School Killer "Well . . . FUCK!!!" a Bureau Spokesman replied "You told us to go out and Work Morning, Noon, And Night to get Donald Trump locked up for the rest of his Life and now you're coming at us over some Loser in Florida? I knew taking orders from the People who lost the Election instead of the People who won the Election was STUPID! I just took a Job Managing a Wendy's and if I ever see you in there we're going to be serving Chili made out of your Kids. FUCK YOU!"
Wow, TV News sure is EXCITING when they bring the People who hate Guns on to SCREAM and YELL at us! You turn on the News and everybody is sitting around drinking Coffee and being Nice and Polite. But then some Guy who HATES GUNS comes on and it's like some Movie from the Seventies when Robert De Niro and Al Pacino suddenly appear. He's SCREAMING and YELLING and BANGING ON THE TABLE and RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE PICKING UP THINGS AND THROWING THEM ACROSS THE ROOM - HOT DIGGITTY DAWG, it is FUN!!! But then he goes away and everybody just picks up their Coffee Mugs "Hhhmmm, Food for Thought!" "He certainly raises some interesting questions . . . " and you fall asleep. Why can't the News ALWAYS be like that? There are THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of People in America that would be Fun to watch act like Assholes on The News. Why don't they bring People who Hate . . . Oh, Drugs or Abortion or Pornography on The News to SCREAM and YELL like the People who Hate Guns get to do all the Time? NON STOP MAYHEM!!!! It would be HILAAAAARIOUS!!!! Why do the Gun Haters get to . . .
Oh, apparently Lobsters1 has gotten his Dumb Ass in Trouble again. Better Wrap This Up before . . . Before WHAT!?! Shut Up and drink your stupid Coffee.
OH, HEY, WOW, MAN!!! The guy on the Radio just said that RUSH BROKE UP!!! Hhhmmm . . . I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this . . . If I was talking to that guy at Work that no one can believe hasn't gotten Fired yet about this I'd be all "Oh, man! Dude! RUSH BROKE UP!!! Bummer! OH!" But if I was talking to the guy who delivers Pizza and hangs out for a while hoping I've got weed or something I'd be all "Rush broke up!?! It's about TIME!! RUSH SUCKS!!! Who the hell Writes a Song about TOM SAWYER? Shit, not even Mark Twain Wrote any Songs about Tom Sawyer! STUPID CANADIANS!!!" So, what would I say to the one guy who reads the Lobsters1 Blog about Rush breaking up? Oh, it's not a guy? It's an IMAGINARY RABBIT!?! Hey, an Imaginary Rabbit is better than MARK MCGRATH!!!
Why is that dopey "Centerfold" the only J Geils Band Song that they play on the Radio? Geils has a MILLION Songs that are better than that "Na Na Na Na Na Na" shit! Like that one . . . The one with the Guitar and the Drums . . . No, that's a Stones Song. Sorry! How about that other J Geils Record, the one about that chick that is so goddam HOT? Oh, that's a ZZ Top Record, ain't it? That's a COOL SONG! How about the one that's about Three Minutes Long and was originally released on Vinyl and . . . Oh, that Robert Palmer? Wow . . . OH SHIT!! Is that "Centerfold" on the Radio right now? God, that WHISTLING AT THE END!! That has got to be the WORST THING John Cougar Mellencamp ever did!
The Smithsonian hath blindsided the Populace with the Official Portrait of Barak Obama which presents his nibs being devoured by a hedge. The adorable Ex Prez gazes plaintively at the viewer "Say . . . uh . . . Give me a hand with this hedge! It's doing some serious chomping on my buttocks here! I'd get up off of this chair and ahem, BUST A MOVE, ahem but I am sitting for this Portrait. What a way to go. Hurry up and paint, My, uh, Brotha! Did you catch that? I said 'Brotha' rather than 'Brother'". The First Lady also debuted a Portrait in which she is shown wearing a skirt big enough to smuggle Twenty Eight Mexicans and a Pick Up Truck full of Marijuana across the Border "You can't search up her skirt, it's Michelle Obama!" "Ain't no Mystery what she's got in THAT skirt!" "Have some dignity. You're a Border Patrolman." "Hey, Border Patrol!" calls Barak Obama from his chair "Give those Mexicans some hedge clippers and give me a hand over here! She gets a Pick Up Truck full of Marijuana and I get a Man Eating Hedge! Shucks!"
The Five Hundred and Eighty Two Year Old Woman on the Supreme Court did an interview on Television the other day and managed to stay awake a few Minutes longer than anyone who tried to watch the thing. After a three hour nap every one woke up and the Old Lady said "What happened? Did those Planned Parenthood people say I can retire yet?"
Nobody is watching the Winter Olympics on TV because nobody gives a shit. They can't sell Advertising for that garbage so, instead of Commercials, the Network Executives reeenact "Seinfeld" Episodes with Marionettes made out of stuck together Raisinettes. They told the Men's Ice Skating Team to just go Home "Nobody wants to look at you! You SUCK!" The only Male Ice Skater who can sty is that gay guy who's trying to pick a fight with Mike Pence "Maybe Mike Pence will lose his temper and throw a punch at Loudmouth McSparkles over there." Rumor has it they sabotaged that Ice Skater Babe's costume so her Top would fall off and Lobsters1 might take an interest "To Hell with that!" Lobsters1 says "I was dating a Former Pro Ice Skater at the Height of the Tanya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan shit and . . . Lobsters1 stops, stares of into Space, puts on a Chris Bell Record . . .
"Vice President Pence! That gay guy ice skater says you look like Race in that Episode of 'Johnny Quest' where Race gets drunk and puts on a dress and does a Marlene Dietrich impersonation!" "He did not! You're just trying to get my goat! I am a grown up adult man and will not be manipulated by your silly Head Trips!" "'Head Trips'? That's a strange thing for YOU to say!" "I shook hands with a member of Our Nation's Cross Country Skiing Team and I fear he was a Bad Influence on me Spiritually. He gave me a Psychedelic Music CD by a Drug Addict named John Denver." "JOHN DENVER!" "I threw it in the snow and a Korean Child ate it." "Hey, now that gay guy ice skater says you look like Race Bannon in that Episode of 'Johnny Quest' where Race gets caught in a Hotel Room in Thailand -" "There was no such Episode! You're thinking of the Episode of 'The Jetsons' where Mister Spacely gets caught in a Hotel Room in -" "That's it, Pence! Pack up your shit! You're going back to Washington DC to say something stupid about Wife Beating like all the other guys!" "Cool!" "'Cool'? We gotta keep him away from those Skiiers!"
TV Comedy Shows always make fun of Politicians so it's suspicious when they DON'T make fun of a particular Politician. NO, Lobsters1 is NOT complaining about them not making fun of Obama! Why would they? OBAMA IS PERFECT!! There, has everybody calmed down? Jesus! But what about JOHN EDWARDS? How come there was never anybody on TV doing a crazy John Edwards impression? The guy was HILARIOUS! He had a dopey Hick accent, his eyes crossed when he talked, he wiped his nose with the back of his hand on Live Television, he knocked up some Blonde while his Wife was dying of Cancer . . . Okay, his Wife dying of Cancer wasn't very funny. Let's say that his Wife drowned while she was running around with Ted Kennedy in the middle of the night and he drove the car off of a Bridge - John Edwards was HILARIOUS!!! Did they ever do a John Edwards impression on "Saturday Night Live"? They never even did a Ted Kennedy impression! I CALL BULLSHIT!
Why is Mike Pence out there in the middle of the Winter Olympics? So he can be a Punching Bag for some gay ice skater? Do ice skaters even use Punching Bags? They do now that they've got Mike Pence hanging upside down in the Locker Room. Is he going to go to the Academy Awards so all those Hollywood people can put on their Transylvanian Villager costumes and chase him through the backlot Forest set with CGI Torches and CGI Hounds as if he is Boris Karloff? Mike Pence would probably be the only one there who remembers who Boris Karloff was "Boris Karloff was an OLD WHITE MALE!" rants Jennifer Lawrence "Was Boris Karloff in that Civil War Comedy where the Good Guys were Confederates and the Bad Guys were . . . I'm confused!" "No" says Mike Pence "That was Buster Keaton!" "Didn't you learn your lesson from when you went to 'Hamilton'?" Jennifer Laerence always gets the last word. She shuts up faster that way.
These Days it's supposed to be Cool to sit around and talk about how "The Room" is the Worst Movie Ever Made. "The Room" is pretty bad but it is not The Worst Movie Ever Made. The Worst Movie Ever Made is "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell", the Movie based on the lousy Book by Tucker Max about getting Drunk and picking up Bimbos. "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" is such a terrible Movie the original cut of "The Room" had a scene with Tommy Wiseau laughing about it "Oh, SHIT! I saw THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE last Night! 'I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell'! Based on the stupid Book by that Tucker Max idiot! You never heard of that Book? You never heard of Tucker Max? GOOD FOR YOU!!! This Movie is SO BAD the Big Climax has him getting the Runs but the Toilet in his Hotel Room is stopped up so he's running all over the Hotel in his underwear looking for a Toilet . . . I'm sorry! I shouldn't have brought that up! What a terrible Movie! So . . . You guys wanna go throw the Ball around?" Lobsters1 mentioned "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" to Tommy Wiseau at the Golden Globe Awards just a few Weeks ago (Lobsters1 was Working as a Bartender) and Wiseau said "HA! You don't see James Franco makin' no Movies about TUCKER MAX, right!?! HAHAHA!" And then James Franco came over "What are you guys talking about?" "Uh . . . Oprah's Speech." "Yeah, Oprah's Speech."
Saturday Night Blog Adventure!
Lobsters1 was driving to the Store when a Green Day Song came on the Radio so he crashed into a House. But the House Lobsters1 crashed into did not belong to anybody that Plays in Green Day so Lobsters1 was in Trouble. Even Worse! The Radio in his Car was still Working and they were playing "She's A Little Runaway" by Bon Jovi "OOOOOOHHH, She's A Little Runaway! Daddy's Little Girl! I Think I'm Gonna HURL!!!" Lobsters1 doesn't know the Lyrics. He doesn't even know how to Drive! Was Lobsters1 losing enough Blood to enter the Spiritual Realm or whatever else you call that George Harrison Jazz? People were yelling and Lobsters1 was sure Cel Phones were Recording it all so he would be on Face Book after he Died. Hey, Face Book may not be the Hifalootin' Spiritual Realm but, What The Hey! Lobsters1 is in Jail right now but he is probably going to die in a few Minutes so he doesn't need a Lawyer. He doesn't even need a Doctor! You got a Phone? Find a Shot of Rosario Dawson in "Death Proof" I can look at before . . .
CARL BERNSTEIN, THE OLD MAN WHO LIVES IN THE BREAK ROOM AT CNN
DON LEMON : The President has refused to -
CARL : When we investigating the Watergate Story Bob and I used to argue over which one of us was going to be Played by Robert Redford in the Watergate Movie and which one of us was going to be Played by Dustin Hoffman. I, of course, was the Robert Redford looking -
LOUDSPEAKER : Expensive Red Wine spill in Jake Tapper's Office!! Expensive Red Wine spill in Jake Tapper's Office!
CARL : OH! I gotta change the Water in my Mop Bucket!
DON LEMON : Can you vacuum my Office after you take care of that?
CARL : I'll do it for a Fig Newton!
America LOVES Hand Sanitizer Dispensors! If the Average American is ever more than Three Feet away from a Hand Sanitizer Dispensor they will DIE!!! But . . . Is it Hand Sanitizer we Love or is it Stuff someone else paid for squirting out of a Snazzy Machine we cannot do without? "What? Do those guys in New York want me to Write a Song about that?" SHUT UP, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN! The Truth is - Nobody gives a Damn about Clean Hands so from now on all those little Gizmos all over the place will be squirting RANCH DRESSING instead of stupid Hand Sanitizer! Imagine a World where every single one of us is never more than Two Steps away from FREE RANCH DRESSING!!! And you're going to say this isn't the Greatest Country Ever? NOT IN THIS BLOG, BUDDY! NO SIR! Go get me a Salad! With CREAMY ITALIAN! Huh?
Vice President Mike Pence and and Kim Jong Un's Sister sat real close to each other at the Winter Olympics. Of course Pence is such a Devout Doofus that if he just made eye contact with the alluring Oriental Temptress he would explode in a blazing Mushroom Cloud killing Millions of People and throwing Mankind back into the Stone Age "WOW! That didn't happen, did it?" No, it did not. Pence put a Brown Paper Bag over his Head so he could not see anything "WOW! He wasn't driving a Car, was he?" Shut up! Uh oh! BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! While Mike Pence and Kim Jong Un's Red Hot Sexy Sister were just a few feet apart . . . (Sings) So close! So close! So close and yet so far!" All right, Enrico Caruso! Just read the News! Just read the News! "CARRIED YOUR BOOKS FROM SCHOOL! MADE BELIEVE YOU WERE MARRIED TO ME!!!!" Sorry, just HAD to read that part! Anyway, while Mike Pence and that Fat Freak's Sister were at the Winter Olympics Pence had a Milkshake "Koreans have the BEST Milkshakes!" And while he was drinking the Milkshake Fat Boy's Sister took out one of those really long Korean Straws "Koreans have the LONGEST Straws!" " . . . and she held that Straw out ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE ROOM!" "And DRANK his Milkshake!" (Mike Pence holds up an empty Milkshake glass) "I HATE KOREA!!!" (Kim Jung Un flies over the Olympics on a Hang Glider) "HA HA HA! CARRIED YOUR BOOKS FROM SCHOOL!! MADE BELIEVE YOU WERE MARRIED TO ME!!" The Crowd is ecstatic! "This is the Best thing to happen to the Olympics since Hitler threw a fit over Jesse Owens winning all the Medals!" "Don't get me started on Jesse Owens!" says Hitler (Yeah, he was in Korea) "I am trying to enjoy my Milkshake!" "MILKSHAKE!?!" says Jesse Owens (He wasn't there. He was in the USA enjoying FReedom and Democracy) "I could go for a Nice Korean Milkshake!" Jesse Owens holds The Longest Korean Straw Ever from the USA all the way across the Ocean to Hitler's Milkshake and DRINKS IT (Hitler holds up the empty Milkshake Glass) "I HATE KOREA!! Among numerous other things. Ha Ha, I'm HITLER!" Meanwhile - Hey! Where did Mike Pence and Rocket Man's Sister go?" Mike Pence takes the Stage with Brian May and Roger Taylor of Queen and goes into his Freddie Mercury Act "Some enchanted evening, you might see a Fat Korean Dictator's Sister! You might see a Fat Korean Dictator's Sister across a crowded room!" Even Hitler is into it! "Once you have found a Fat Korean Dictator's Sister never let her go! John Deacon is so excited about Mike Pence Singing with Queen he comes out of retirement! "Once you have found a Fat Korean Dictator's Sister nevvvvvverrrrrrrr let her gooooooooo!!!"
Everybody is flippin' out over Quincy Jones and his crazy stories about Marlon Brando and Richard Pryor - DON'T BELIEVE THAT CRAP! Quincy Jones is always bull shitting. And Good For You if you've got no idea what Quincy Jones said about Brando and Pryor . . . Oh, OKAY - Quincy Jones said that when NASA faked the Moon Landing in a TV Studio in LA it was Marlon Brando and Richard Pryor climbing out of the Lunar Module and boppin' around in those Astronaut Suits "Yeah! Brando and Richard did it for One Million Dollars each! The Beach Boys were supposed to come out in scary Space Monster Costumes and chase Brando and Richard around to make things exciting for all the suckers watching on TV but that damn fool Brian Wilson was on drugs OF COURSE and he took off running down the Street crying about King Kong getting a Volswagon stuck up his butt so I called Neil Simon up on my Cell Phone - I built the very first Cel Phone out of an Alarm Clock and a Lava Lamp . . . " Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Quincy Jones, WHATEVER YOU SAY!
The Big Cultural Development of 2017 was Bill Murray's demotion from The Funniest Guy On Earth to Just Another Celebrity Asshole To Be Avoided At All Cost. Murray popped up on "Saturday Night Live" a few Weeks ago and was so bad it could have been Colin Quinn. If you don't know who Colin Quinn is Lobsters1 meant "it could have been Colin Quinn" as an insult. And if you don't know who Lobsters1 is he is some loudmouth who is probably getting punched in the mouth by Colin Quinn right now "Hey, let me get in on that action!" Bill Murray punches Lobsters1 in the mouth a few times "Hey, isn't that the jerk that was putting me down in his stupid Blog a few Weeks ago?" asks Dan Aykroyd as he comes in and puts down a half empty bottle of that awful Vodka he's been peddling now that his Movie Career is over "I was going to just call that guy a jerk but now that he's putting down my Vodka . . . " Dan Aykroyd cracks the bottle of Vodka over Lobsters1's head. He is such a prick! "Eh, you're entitled to call me a 'prick' in your Blog after I cracked that bottle of Vodka over your head. I'll give you a pass on that." Aykroyd turns away to leave "Yo! The guy called you a 'prick', man!" Bill Murray yells at Dan Aykroyd "You're going to let him get away with that? You PUSSY!!!" Dan Aykroyd stops, slowly turns around, and stares down Bill Murray "Just because you saved my ass by agreeing to be in 'Ghostbusters' you think I'm your punk. Well, now I am The Vodka King Of The Cosmos and I don't owe you a God Damn thing!" Aykroyd pulls out a Forty Five Automatic. The Ghost of Harold Ramis materializes "Don't do it, Dan! Bill wasn't the one that called you a 'Pussy'! Lobsters1 Wrote that in his Blog!" Aykroyd looks at Bill Murray "I'm Bill Murray. And Bill Murray doesn't BEG." Aykroyd looks over at Lobsters1. He is scribbling in a Notebook "Hold on a sec! I'm Writing a thing where you and Bill Murray are a couple of old Homos! HAHAHA!!! It'll be really funny!" Aykroyd aims the gun at Lobsters1 "Don't do it, Dan!" says Bill Murray "You're better than that!" Aykroyd thinks for a Moment and looks at the Ghost of Harold Ramis "John and I were like Brothers. But now he's sending me MESSENGERS!?" Ramis is confused "John? John WHO?" "John BELUSHI!" "Oh! I still haven't seen him since I got up there! I only hang out with Ed McMahon and Shemp from 'The Three Stooges'!" Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray, and Lobsters1 use "Ghostbusters" Technology to beat the shit out of Harold Ramis "This bit has run kind of long. I'll save the thing where you two are a couple of old Homos for later. HAHAHA!! It'll be really funny!" "We aren't going to have to do Drag, are we?" "'Drag'? Not in my goddam Blog!"
THE LOBSTERS1 BLOG IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES BECAUSE OF THIS CRAP BLOGGING SERVICE
Lobsters1 wanders into the Blog Singing at the Top of his Lungs . . . "Midnight at the Oasis . . . Send your Camel to bed . . Come on . . . Cactus is our Friend . . . OH! I didn't know you were here! Uh . . . Yeah, that was a Real Song . . . It would come on the Radio when I was a kid and we'd run over to the Station to make sure everybody was okay. Hey, what's on the PODCAST this Week? We've got about a Hundred Comedy Podcast Episodes piled up all over the Hard Drive from back when doing a Comedy Podcast still seemed like a Good Idea. So once a Week we pick one out at random . . . OH! This Week is "America Refuses To Believe That Barry Manilow Is Gay" with a picture of Donald Trump going "NO WAY!!!" Yeah, it's a silly Comedy Premise that kind of amusing for about for about Half A Minute but then then it goes on for Three Hours And Forty Five Minutes . . . Aw, Hell . . . www.thedevilisasissy.com "
KEEP POSTING BEFORE THE BLOGGING MACHINE BREAKS DOWN AGAIN!!!!
Lorne Michaels spends all his Money keeping every Comedy Variety Show that was on TV before he Created "Saturday Night Live" out of Syndication so no one can see that stuff about there being nothing good on TV before "SNL" is bullshit. Too bad he didn't have enough Money to keep everybody from seeing "The Carol Burnett Show". Michaels was on the Phone to all his Show Business Cronies "Hello, Mick Jagger? It's me, Lorne Michaels! Uh . . . Yeah . . . The Jew with the Big Bag Of Coke . . . Ahem! . . . Uh, can you give me a couple of Million Dollars to keep 'The Carol Burnett Shoout of Syndication? Aw, come on! How about just Half A Million? Come on!" He spent a Fortune to bury "The Sonny And Cher Comedy Hour". Man, when I was a kid we'd watch that Show and LAUGH OUR ASSES OFF!!! They had a bunch of Guys doing Sketches on that Show, all of those guys were as Funny as John Belushi or Dan Aykroyd! Who were those Forgotten Heroes Of TV Sketch Comedy? Lorne Michaels and and Dan Aykroyd and everybody on "SCTV" spent MILLIONS to get rid of those Guys . . . No, they didn't put a CONTRACT out on em or anything . . . (Telephone Rings) The Lobsters1 Blog! How can I help you? Oh . . . Hi, Mister LOrne Michaels! Uh . . . Yes, Sir . . . I'll take all that down from the Blog right away . . . Yes, Sir . . . I'm Sorry . . . I'm SO Sorry . . .
Lobsters1 tried watching the Sunday Morning News Shows and it was worse than going to Church! All of those Shows would be a lot better with a Little Old Lady Playing The Organ and a Coupla Dozen People who can't Sing to save their Lives hollering at the Top of their Lungs. It would be horrible but at least we wouldn't be able to hear whatever the News Assholes were saying. That's how awful it is to hear what those Scheming Scumbags have to say, it would be better to just let em Sing. They'll probably want to Sing something off of an old John Lennon Album, but what the Hell . . . And, no matter what you think of Religon, all of the Rodents on those Shows would be better off going to Church. Those People are HELLBOUND!! Next Sunday Morning Jake Tapper ought to go to Church and Pinhead from "Hellraiser" can Host his Show. I bet Pinhead can draw better Cartoons than Jake Tapper! But it was really great that everybody was trying to be Serious Adults because that Sunday turned out to be SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!!!!! They should have kept their Suits on all Day. By Kick Off they would have looked like The Pogues!
The Lobsters1 Blog will pay FIFTEEN DOLLARS to any Photographer that can get a shot of Keith Richards drinking from a Bottle of Ensure. If the American Public ever sees a Picture of that Legendary Bad Ass Of Chemistry drinking from a Bottle of Ensure our Culture will be thrown into such Chaos and Tumult People will be getting Married to Furniture and Fruit Salad will be Representing Defendants in Court. ALSO - The Lobsters1 Blog will pay TWENTY DOLLARS for a Written Statement from the Person whose Job it is to change Keith Richards' Diaper. Nothing too detailed, just enough to make it impossible for that Horrible Old Man to make a Nickle performing onstage in front of an audience. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I bet Ron Wood is the one that has to change Keith Richards' Diaper. That's why Bill Wyman quit The Stones. They told him that he was going to have to start changing Keith Richads' Diapers in a little while and he said "No I am not! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" Bill Wyman does need The Stones! He has a Big Money Deal Advertising those Bath Tubs with a Door on the Side (He beat Steve Miller for the Contract!)
People are always yelling about McCarthyism but McCartneyism was MUCH WORSE! If Paul McCartney thought you was a Commie he would Write a Dopey Little Pop Song about you and and make everybody listen to his Wife Sing it! Ooooo Woooo, it was BAD! McCartney Wrote a Song about Jane Fonda called "You Terrible Girl!" and everybody had to listen to his Wife Singing "You terrible girl! You went to Hanoi! You were cute in 'Cat Ballou' but then you went to Hanoi! Barefoot in the Hanoi Park! OUCH!!!" all day until we tore down Jane Fonda's House until she went to the North Pole to Party With The Penguins. Because "McCartney" sounds kind of like "McCarthy" and . . . Oh, Lobsters1 just found out that Paul McCartney just Wrote a Song called "Lobsters1 Is A Big Stupid Turd" and is going to make a Record of Yoko Ono Singing it. Lobsters1 has been DISSED! "KIDS NOT SAY 'DISSED' NO MORE YOU!!!" Shut up, Yoko!
That Movie about Jeff Dahmer in High School is so popular with the People who still haven't caught on that Edgy Indie Movies suck as bad as Hollywood Studio Movies that there will be a "Breakfast Club" remake with Jeff Dahmer as one of the kids instead of the Emilio Estevez character. Maybe he ate Emilio Estevez? Yeah, that's why you never hear about Emilio Estevez any more - Jeffrey Dahmer ate him. Yeah, a Movie where Teenage Jeff Dahmer goes to All Day Detention and eats everybody for Breakfast. You can find SOMEBODY in LA crazy enough to give you ten million dollars to make that ovie - Hire Judd Apatow's Wife to play one of the Teachers! Molly Ringwald and Judd Nelson will be in it for Tacos!
Steven Van Zandt spends so much Time looking for Tough Guy Dialogue from old Noir Movies to play in between the Records on his "Underground Garage" Radio Show he has stopped paying attention to the Records and has been playing the same old Dead Boys Record over and over and over again "But how about all that Tough Guy Dialogue from all those old Noir Movies, huh? That is some GOOD STUFF, am I right?" "Hey, Steve! Bruce just called!" "What? Am I gettin' kicked outta the Band?" "No, he wants you to pick up some Chinese Food for him!" "Okay!" "Oh, and The Dead Boys called!" "They want to Thank me for playin' that Record?" "No, they wanted me to tell you the Chinese people told em to paint the Main Dining Room so the place is gonna shut down at Six!" "Oh! What Time is it? Quarter to FIVE!?! See ya later, carburator! Gotta go grab some Sweet And Sour Kitty Kat for the Boss!!!" "You still have to call him that?" "It's worth it for the Free Egg Rolls!"
Johnny Depp showed up at the Super Bowl thinking that his Dumb Band was going to play during the Half Time Show "Hey, I'm here to ROCK the Half Time Show! I've got WINE, I call the Half Time Show 'THE HAVE WINE SHOW'! HA! Let me in! I'm JOHNNY DEPP!!" "Uh . . . What's in the Truck?" "Half a Million Dollars worth of WINE! I'm JOHNNY DEPP! Let me in! I'm Playng the Super Bowl with Alice Cooper and Joe Perry! The AEROSMITH guy! We're BUDDIES! Where are those guys? They're waiting Backstage for me to tell em what to do! It's MY BAND! I'm JOHNNY DEPP! Hey, Joe! Alice! We're gonna open with 'My Sharona'! Who is THAt guy? Why are you letting HIM in? TIMBERLAKE!?! Huh? This is SHOW BIZ! Call him by his SHOW BIZ NAME! Hey, VANILLA ICE! You want some WINE? Lemmee pour ya a Glass!" "Mister Depp . . . " "WHAT!?!" "Your Super Celebrity Secret Entrance is right here!" "Well, it's about TIME!! Muh Muh Muh My Sharona! Muh Muh Muh . . . Hey, Alice! Joe! Where are you guys? HEY!" They slam the back of the Truck shut behind him "HEY! WHY IS IT SO DARK IN HERE?! HEY!!" "Okay! Take him Hone!" "He doesn't have a Home! He has a Mansion!" "That's kind of profound for a Truck Driver." "I'm not just a Truck Driver . . . I'm JOHNNY DEPP'S Truck Driver!" "Huh?" "He Hired me when he was still The Most Beloved Man In American Entertainment." "Oh." "It's HEART BREAKING!!" "HEY, WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE THE SUPER BOWL HERE!!!!" "Phillistines!"
Is that Stephen Miller guy Working in the Trump White House ANTHONY WEINER IN DISGUISE!? Think about it, man! If Anthony Weiner was Secretly Smuggled out of Prison by the Clinton Machine what better hiding place for him than the Trump White House? It's such a GREAT IDEA that no way could a moron like Lobsters1 come up with it - SO WHO DID? "After a careful examination of every appearance by Stephen Miller on Video it is clear that 'Stephen Miller' is a character created entirely by by Professional Comedy Writers." My God! That's Brilliant! And exactly who were these Professional Comedy Writers, O Brilliant Person? "Well . . . Did you know that Anthony Weiner's College Rommate was . . . JON STEWART, THE MOST BRILLIANT MAN IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN COMEDY!?!" My God! Are you suggesting that . . . "YES! The Man that we have been lead to Believe is 'Stephen Miller' is in Reality Escaped Prison Inmate Anthony Weiner playing a silly Comedy Character created by Professional Comedy Writers under the Expert Supervision of Jon . . . " "Lobsters1, who are you talking to?" "Uh . . . I'm talking to . . . uh . . . "
Donald Trump is so upset about Stephen Colbert's new Cartoon Show about him he asked Lobsters1 to put together a Cartoon Show about Stephen Colbert. Seriously! Lobsters1 was in his room looking at Japanese Girls on the Internet when there was a knock on the door and, once Lobsters1 got over the disapointment of it not being a bunch of of Japanese girls knocking on the door but a Big Overweight Man With Funny Hair, he realised that it was the President Of The United States offering him a lot of Money to do a Cartoon Show about Stephen Colbert and then Lobsters1 woke up shouting "HELL YEAH, I"LL TALE A MILLION DOLLARS TO DO A CARTOON SHOW ABOUT THAT COLBERT ASSHOLE!!!" What a DUMB feeling. Every time Lobsters1 falls asleep dreaming about Japanese girls the stupid dream goes off on some tangent like Donald Trump wanting to do a Cartoon Show about Stephen Colbert or Harry Truman wanting to drop the Atomic Bomb on on Stephen Colbert or Lee Harvey Oswald shooting Stephen Colbert in Dallas . . . Oh, this is terrible. Life would be so much easier if CBS had replaced David Letterman with some really cute Japanese girls. Was "Pink Lady And Jeff" really that bad a Show?
It's Super Bowl Time! Show up too early, eat too much, get drunk, get in a fight, kill everybody, burn the house down . . . Yeah, visiting your Mom and Dad is always awful. Don't worry, Sunday you'll go to a Super Bowl Party and cheer up. Where's the Big Game this year? Minneapolis? Oh, Paul Westerberg is gonna Phone In the Half Time Show from his Basement. He left it on the Network's ANSWERING MACHINE! Get it? Sorry, now that Prince is gone there's not a lot about Minneapolis to make Jokes about. Or was Michael Jackson the one from Minneapolis? But he's dead, too. What the Hell is going on in Minneapolis? Oh, the Super Bowl. Everybody is hoping Janet Jackson will pop up in the Half Time Show. Or part of her anyway. My God, if you're counting on a member of the Jackson Family to save the day . . . "We Are The World" did more for Ethiopia than those people have done for anybody. But the Super Bowl . . . Who's going to Win? My Money is on "Phantom Thread" over "The Shape Of Water" . . . Sorry, this Time of the Year is too confusing.
Remember when The Black Keys were popular for a while and you couldn't go on line without that miserable Drummer bitching at you about some other stupid Rock Star? What's he up to now that he's Regular Loser like everybody else? "Man! I was in Wendy's getting a Cheeseburger and this ASSHOLE came in smoking a CIGARETTE! I mean, GODDAM! What is with people these days? CRAP! I thought I was gonna . . . Oh my God . . . NO wonder nobody liked me! I really am a TERRIBLE PERSON, aren't I? Gee, maybe I ought to get therapy, quit drinking so much Beer! Am I really saying this or is that Lobsters1 guy Writing one of his stupid Comedy Bits about me? Well, SCREW THAT GUY! Oh, look at me, getting all worked up over nothing again! When will I learn? Oh, look! A Text from the other guy in the Black Guys (Lobsters1 is too lazy to look up his name) He says he's dumping me from the Band! OH NO!" "What happened with the guy who was smoking in Wendy's?" "I don't know! That was just bullshit Lobsters1 made up. I've got Crabs."
Some guy on "Glee" got mixed up in a terrible Sex Scandal and committed Suicide by jumping in a River. "Hey, I didn't know you could do that!" said Louis CK and he jumped in a River.
MUSIC ; "Take Me To The River" By Talking Heads
MONTAGE : Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Al Franken, and all those other creeps jumping into Rivers
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN : Hey! I got a whole Album called "The River"!
LOBSTERS1 : Yeah, but that Album SUCKS!
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN : Ehhh, I have to get back to Work making sure no one in America finds out about all those cool British Bands . . .
What's in this Big Deal "Memo" they're fighting over in Washington? There's nothing about Lobsters1 in that Memo, right? No, we're not going to get into what Lobsters1 did or didn't do to get into some Memo, but if there's anything about Lobsters1 in that Memo WE ARE GONNA GO UP THERE AND WE ARE GONNA KICK ASS, RIGHT? Right? Where'd everybody go? Oh yeah, Lobsters1 does a silly Comedy routine about Beyonce's Big Butt and there's a whole Nightclub full of people drinking Beer and yucking it up - YAHOO! But when Lobsters1 gets in trouble and needs to needs to Raise Up A Mighty Revolutionary to Disconnect These Cables, Overturn These Tables everybody suddenlt remembers they have to go Home and clean out the Rabbit Hutch! No problem! It's Cool! But if that Memo comes out and there's something in it about YOU and your Rabbit Hutch Lobsters1 will be Right There at your Side ALL THE WAY! Which is no Big Deal cause you're so lame you'll just pass out on the Couch and all Lobsters1 will have to do is throw a blanket over you and keep an eye on you until the Stormtroopers break in and drag you off to GUantanamo Bay. I'm HERE for you, BRO!
A Train full of Republican Congressmen hit a Truck and the guy driving the Truck died. All those Republican Congressmen were in the middle of a Nazi Rally when they noticed that the Truck was on the tracks and they all yelled "LET'S ALL GET ON A TRAIN AND CRASH INTO THAT TRUCK AND KILL THAT GUY!!!" So they dropped their Torches and copies of "Mein Kampf", ran like Hell to the Train Station, got on the Train, began chanting "KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!" until the Track smashed into the Truck and they all passed in Ecstasy like Hitler when he found out Churchill had Hemmoroids (Eichman told him that just to cheer him up after Stalingrad) And all because they are EVIL. They would have ripped the Dead Guy apart and devoured his quivering flash but the Train's Crew was starting to regain conciousness "Stupid Little People!" Trump found out all about this and said "What am I? CHOPPED LIVER?" "WHAT?! Oh, he's from NEW YORK."
Having a Happy Flu Season? Wouldn't it be WEIRD if it was like "The Stand" and most of the Human Race Died in just a few Days and the only Human Beings left on Earth were the People who Read the Lobsters1 Blog? And, instead of Dreams about a Nice Old Black Lady Singing "What A Friend We Have In Jesus" and asking them all to come see her, all of the surviving Lobsters1 Blog Readers have Dreams about Lobsters1 in a Jacuzzi with Eliza Dushku, Thandi Newton, Lucy Lui, Rosario Dawson, Drew Barrymore from Twenty Five Years Ago, and that Good For Nothing Bai Ling and he's yelling! "DON'T COME AROUND!! STAY THE HELL AWAY!!! FIND YOUR OWN WOMEN!!! SCRAM!!!" And then you wake up all alone in a Hospital like Rick at the beginning of "The Walking Dead". Only you're no Bad Ass like Rick, you're just going to die and turn into a stupid Zombie. Or, how about if everybody who reads the Lobsters1 Blog woke up and there was an invisible DOME over each one of em?. Oh, Shut the Hell up.
With all this recent talk about The Academy Awards the only thing that comes to mind is - Why didn't "Evilspeak" win the Oscar for Best Movie of 1981? EVERYBODY knows that "Evilspeak" is The Best Movie Of All Time, what are the Academy Awards any good for if "Evilspeak", The Best Movie Of All Time, didn't win the Oscar for The Best Movie Of 1981?How could this Academy Awards thing go on for Thirty Six Years after such a massive screw up? And they wonder why every Year fewer people watch their dumb ass Awards Show than the Year before ? HA! What Movie got the Oscar in 1981 instead of "Evilspeak"? TO THE GOOGLE CAVE! Uh . . . In 1981 the Award for Best Picture - PICTURE?! No wonder Video kicked their asses so bad! PICTURE! . . . The Academy Award for Best Picture went to . . . What the Hell? . . . "Ordinary People"? What the Hell is "Ordinary People"? Nobody heard of no Movie called "Ordinary People" in their Life! Oh, Yeah, "Common People", Great Song! But "Ordinary People"? They screwed over Evilspeak" for . . . What? You never saw "Evilspeak"? You never heard of "Evilspeak"? I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG AROUND WITH YOU GUYS!!!!!
"'PABST BLUE RIBBON!!!!!'" . . . Silence . . . Trump looks around . . . "That was a 'Blue Velvet' reference. A little joke for the Democrats, just trying to cheer you up a little bit. I don't even know what the hell 'Blue Velvet' is. I'm not even sure what Pabst Blue Ribbon is - One of those crazy Energy Drinks? DON'T DRINK THAT SHIT!!! Eh, it least it got a laugh out of Lindsey Graham. Eh, let's get to Work with . . . Oh! A Kennedy! That's how little you think of me? You send another Kennedy after me? Even Ryan here laughs at that shit! Hey, Ryan . . . Get your ass down here and read the Speech for everybody. I'm going back to the Dump and watch my 'Seventies Show' DVDs . . . "
State Of The Union Address Tonight! What's gonna happen? Trump will come in, stand up in front of everybody, and when he is about to start speaking Nancy Pelosi pulls on a rope, and a tin bucket full of pig's blood falls on Trump's head. You know . . . like in "Carrie" . . . The Movie . . . With Sissy Spacek and John Travolta . . . Aw, now Lobsters1 has lost interest in the whole State Of The Union thing. Remember when Obama was doing the State Of The Union (And doing it better than ANYONE had ever done it before. Yeah) and that guy yelled "YOU LIE!!" ? Yeah, we all cracked up laughing but be quiet about that or we'll never get jobs in LA. Anyway, tonight when Trump is speaking Hillary Clinton is going to ride in on a Great White Shark that has evolved legs and crawled ashore and waving the decapitated head of the "YOU LIE!!" Guy on the end of a stick. Only now the "YOU LIE!!" guy is singing some godawful Pearl Jam Song or something. Go to Bed early.
Joe Biden just wants to PARTY but Losers say he's gotta be PRESIDENTIAL! "Hey, let's smoke a joint and listen to some DEEP PURPLE!!" "Joe, how are you going to be Elected President carrying on like that?" "COME ON, DUDES! Let's get WASTED and squirt Fire Extinguishers at Little Kids walking Home from School!" "Joe, Dwight Eienhower never squirted Fire Extinguishers at Little Kids!" " "AW, SURE HE DID!! Little German Hitler Youth Kids! That's how we won the French Indian War! Check it out - Mushrooms! BIDEN BE TRIPPIN', YO!" "Joe, you have to Work on putting together your Campaign Staff!" "It's all taken care of! I've hired Chevy Chase, Doogie Howser, and the Big Fake King Kong Head they built for Close Ups of Kong with guys in his mouth! FREAKY!" "Joe, what on Earth are you going to do with that?" "Gonna get Sid and Marty Kroft to turn it into a big Fake Joe Biden Head! Gonna put Republicans in my mouth and chew em up!" "Joe, you've got Margerita Breath!" "Margerita Bubble Gum! Got it at Jimmy Buffet Dot Com! CRANK UP THE DEF ELEPPARD AND GET DOWN!!!"
A Correction . . .
Jerry Van Dyke did not Die. He just stopped hollering at everybody about how great "Mary Poppin's" would have been with him instead of His Brother Dick. Yes, Jerry Van Dyke has finally come to terms with not being as Big a Star as Dick Van Dyke and now he's just quietly sitting on the Front Porch, at Peace with himself after . . . Where is he? The raccoons dragged him off. Okay, he's Dead.
Were The Grammies good? Lobsters1 was Working the Night Shift in the Drive Thru Window at Dippitty Doo Donuts. Grammy Night is always a big Donut Night and Lobsters1 enjoys Working in his Michael Jackson Costume. This Grammy Night was Extra Special Lobsters1 was high on Cold Medicine and forgot to collect Money for all the Donuts he was throwing all over the place. No, he didn't have a Cold, he was just high on Cold Medicine because when you are dressed up like Michael Jackson the Drug Dealers think you are an Undercover Cop. Cool thing about Working in the Drive Thru Window while DRessed up like Michael Jackson - People just have to take your Word on it that you are Moonwalking "I AM MOOOOOOOOONWALKIN'!!! REALLY!!" And then you throw forty seven Donuts out the Window and pass out for Ten Minutes. Lobsters1 will be Working in the Dippitty Doo Donuts Drive Thru Window Tuesday Night for the State Of The Union Address. Come to check out his Nancy Pelosi Costume. Same as the Michael Jackson Costume, you just don't need to make all the "Tito" Jokes.
Elton John is retiring from Music to raise his two Adopted Boys. Isn't it great that Michael Jackson is gone and you could read that sentence without wincing? Yeah, Michael Jackson is gone so instead of wincing you just make a terrible Joke. Or Lobsters1 does anyway. If Lobsters1 could make a Funny Joke he'd be in New York Hosting "The Tonight Show". (Don't get depressed! Keep on with the Elton John Bit And DON'T MENTION GEORGE MICHAEL) I don't know Elton John's kid's names - He just calls them "The Two Corys". "Hey, you've got Michael Jackson in my Elton John Joke!" "You've got Elton John in my Michael Jackson Joke!" "Tomato! Tomahto!" "Tomahto! Tomato!" "Let's call Susannah Hoff!"
Iggy drives a used Rolls Royce. It used to belong to David Bowie. Iggy was already living in the Shed behind Bowie's House so when Bowie died Iggy threw a load of Bowie's stuff into the Rolls and Royced off! "I'm a Royce Car Driver!" It's funny because Iggy said it. But it's Okay because Iggy Wrote "China Girl" and Bowie had a Big Hit with that Song. Iggy Wrote "Space Oddity", right? No? Bring that Car back, Iggy!
People are going out of their minds with anticipation over Donald Trump being interogated by Robert Mueller. There will be Mass Suicides when they catch on that they won't be able to watch it on Television "WHAT!?! I WAS GONNA HAVE AN INTEROGATION PARTY!! SHIT! THE EXECUTION'S GONNA BE ON LIVE TV THOUGH, RIGHT!?! RIGHT!?! THEY OUGHTA HAVE A FIRING SQUAD FOR THE SUPER BOWL HALF TIME SHOW!!!" You know what they should do to satisfy all the "Law And Order"addled twits who find Trump getting cross examined by Mueller so exciting? A Live Television Production of the Court Room Scene in "The Caine Mutiny" with Trump as the demented Navy Officer Captain Queeg who becomes horribly unglued in front of everybody and Mueller as as Greenwald the brilliant US Army Attorney who reluctantly exposes Queeg as . . . Does Queeg say anything about "Shithole Countries"? Bring in Aaron Sorkin for a quick rewrite! Remember Humphrey Bogart in the Movie Version of that scene jabbering like a loon about people stealing strawberries and rolling a couple of steel ball bearings around in his hand? Aw . . . We can't trust Donald Trump with a couple of steel ball bearings, he'll whip out the Commander In Chief Sling Shot and give Mueller one of em RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES!!! ATTACK DONALD TRUMP AND HE ATTACKS RIGHT BACK!!!! WOW!! LET'S DO IT!! LET'S MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!! What? Why are you looking at me like that for? Am I in trouble again? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!! AND YOU BETTER KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR STRAWBERRIES, BITCH!!!!
Is Skin Diamond Okay? SOMEBODY CHECK ON SKIN DIAMOND!!!!
A whole bunch of Female Porn Stars have died lately and they will probably keep right on dying until one Keels Over on Camera and creates a whole new World of Entertainment America can sit around feeling like crap about. One of these Women committed Suicide, another overdosed on those darn Pain Killers, another Died of This, Another Died of That, and there are dozens of other ones basically under Twenty Four Hour Video Surveillance, who knows what they'll come up with until we all throw ourselves into the Sea? Or at least throw a bunch of Good Looking Young Women into the Sea. It'll be Okay, we'll PAY to throw em into the Sea. No, wait - There are a whole bunch of guys who would pay to watch em get thrown into a Pit Of Fire. Fine, we'll pay to throw em into a Pit Of Fire. They won't even have to be naked. Nah, they'll be naked.
"Nadine . . . We're Damned, aren't we?"
"The Wild Angels" and "The Glory Stompers" are better Biker Movies than "Easy Rider". Pete Fonda in "The Wild Angels" and Dennis Hopper in "The Glory Stompers" jumped Pete Fonda and Dennis Hopper in "Easy Rider" and BEAT THE PISS OUT OF EM!!!! Pete Fonda in "The Wild Angels" and Dennis Hopper in "The Glory Stompers" are so much Cooler than Pete Fonda and Dennis Hopper in "Easy Rider" it's a freakin' disgrace. If Pete Fonda in "The Wild Angels" and Dennis Hopper in "The Glory Stompers" ever did Acid in a New Orleans Cemetary it would be an All Out Cheech And Chong Improvisational LAFF RIOT!!!! But Pete Fonda and Dennis Hopper in "Easy Rider"? BUMMER! Those two chicks from the Whorehouse were like "These guys are PUSSIES!!!!" "I thought this was gonna be a BIKER Movie!" Sometimes Jack Nicholson in "Easy Rider" will bring Jack Nicholson from "Five Easy Pieces" and Jack Nicholson from "The Last Detail" over to chase Pete Fonda and Dennis Hopper out of the Movie and do all kinds of crazy Jack Nicholson shit. One Time Lobsters1 rented "Easy Rider" and the Jack Nicholsons from those three Movies were tripping on Acid and making Crank Phone Calls to Jack Nicholson in that shitty Movie where he was hanging out with Greg Kinnear as the gay guy who went nuts and painted a picture of that "Mad About You" chick with no clothes on. Man, did those Jack Nicholsons give that Jack Nicholson a HARD TIME! WHOA!
Lobsters1 told Clint Eastwood to remake that "15:17 Paris" Movie so it's about the members of The Eagles Of Death Metal kicking Terrorist Butt at that Paris Concert instead of Army Guys on a Train. DIG IT, The Eagles Of Death Metal onstage in Paris when the ISIS Music Critics come inlike Lester Bangs always wanted to do to Grand Funk Railroad so The Eagles Of What The Hell Is That Band Name? drop their Instruments, grab their Guns . . . Who is Lobsters1 to tell Clint Eastwood how to make a Movie? If Ron Howards takes the job I'll be ordering him around like . . . Aw, now I have to explain Lester Bangs to these Squareheads! Anyway, Clint, those Army guys are too Cool to be in your shitty Movie. They're already Totall Bad Ass, but The Eagles Of Dung Beetles need all the help they can get.
JOB DESCRIPTION - Opening packages, removing contents, carrying contents around, placing contents in place with other contents, being in close proximity to place with all those contents all day long while opening more packages full of shit, I mean contents . . . Oh, God - Why do I Work here?
CALL 1-800-222-2222 Please it ring for a while, no one is in a hrry to go back inside the Building. The Recieving guy is in there but we don't let him touch the phone.
THE NORWEGIANS ARE COMING! THE NORWEGIANS ARE COMING!
It has been brought to Lobsters1's attention that there is NO WALL between the United States and Norway! We've been talking about building a Wall between the United States and Mexico all this Time when we don't even have a Wall between Us and those NORWEGIANS!?! MY GOD! ANY DAY NOW YOUR CHILDREN WILL COME HOME FROM SCHOOL TALKING ABOUT FISH! Lobsters1 is going to the Brick Place and get right to Work building a Wall between his Apartment Building and Norway RIGHT NOW! Ain't no racist Norwegian gonna mess with LOBSTERS1! Uh . . . The Neighbors want to know what is up with these Bricks . . . No! No! This has nothing to do with MEXICO! The Norwegians . . . PUT DOWN THAT BRICK! OW! OWWW! Somebody get a Tupperware Container for Lobsters1's Brains! Owwww . . .
NORWAY OR THE AMERICAN WAY?
WAIT A MINUTE! We have finally been alerted to the Norwegian Menace but right now Our President is in SWITZERLAND? Don't you know that Switzerland is just Norway with Mountains instead of Fyords? What? It's not "Fyords"? It's what . . . Fjords? What the hell kind of American knows the difference between Fyords and Fjords? I bet he's got a Helmet with HORNS on it in his House! Kick his Bjutt! Ha Ha! That's a Joke! You know, Bjutt with a "j" like Fjord? Wordplay! Or Wjordplay if you're wearing a Helmet with Horns on it. Lobsters1 don't give a shit. This Country has gone to Hell. This Country has gone to Hjell! Hjello! I blame Cosby!
Mark E Smith Died but I'm only going to Write something about Mark E Smith dying for People who knew who Mark E Smith was before he died. If you want something about Mark E Smith dying for ignorant shits who have no idea who Mark E Smith was before he Died and still don't have the slightest idea who Mark E Smith was now that he's Dead go to some dumb ass Web Site and read about Barak Obama at a Party with a lot of Movie Stars and . . . Okay, everybody's left to go read stuff about Barak Obama at a Party and as soon as I put on this CD of Haitian Voodoo Drums the Corpse of Mark E Smith will come back to Life and drive to Taco Bell to pick up a couple of Burrotos for us. Mark E Smith did know how to Drive, right?
So, who do you think was the best Lead Singer for Van Halen - David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar, or Mark E Smith? Yeah Yeah Yeah, I know Mark E Smith was never the Lead Singer for Van Halen , just play along - It's a Comedy Bit! Yeah Yeah Yeah, Mark E Smith being the Lead Singer for Van Halen doesnt make any sense . . . Didn't you ever take a goddam Improv Class? God! Okay, just shut the Hell up while I do my Impression of Mark E Smith Singing "Runnin' With The Devil" . . . Uh . . . "Runnin' With The Devil" is a Van Halen Song. It's on the first Van Halen Album. Jesus Christ, not only am I trying to do Comedy with some one who doesn't know who Mark E Smith was, this bozo doesn't even know any Van Halen Songs! I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG AROUND WITH YOU GUYS!!
MARK E SMITH WAS THE LEAD SINGER OF AN ENGLISH BAND CALLED THE FALL*
How did Mark E Smith die? It would be embarassing if he died of the same thing as Tom Petty. Tom Petty died of an overdose of Pain Killers because he had a bad Hip, right? OH SHIT - Mark E Smith had a bad Hip, too! But he still could have gotten bitten in half by a Great White Shark or blown up by a Nazi Dive Bomber, right? Mark E Smith was far too Zany a Guy for "Ooohhh . . . My Hip! . . . Pills! Where are my Pills! . . . Ahhh, now I feel better! . . . Pills! Good Good Pills! . . . Oh, my Heart has stopped! . . . Hey, it's JERRY VAN DYKE!!!" SCREW THAT! When Mark E Smith died it involved Machine Guns, Barbed Wire, Explosions, Screams of Agony, Jerry Lewis' Invisible Typewriter Routine, Vince Neil and Razzle from Hanoi Rocks on a Beer Run, Corporal Hitler declaring "I'm gonna be a BIG MAN someday! JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE!!" and Bai LIng's Nude Shower Scene in "The CRow", right? Right? What? He died at Home? Mark E Smith had a HOME? Aw, man . .
SORRY LOBSTERS1 BLOG READERS ( RALPH, GREG, AND SANDI ) , THERE HASN'T BEEN ANY NEW MATERIAL FOR A FEW DAYS DUE TO TECHNICAL REASONS. SO, JUST TO CHEER EVERYBODY UP, HERE IS THE "NOBODY'S PERFECT!" GIRL TO PUT EVERYTHING INTO PERSPECTIVE
You think you were disturbed to find out Tom Petty died of an overdose of Prescription Painkillers, Lobsters1 found out all about that while he was bombed out of his skull on the Prescription Painkillers he was taking after hurting his back. Lobsters1 wasn't jus upset about Tom Petty, he was so HIGH Tom Petty walked into his Apartment and told him "You know, Lobsters1, you don't have to live like a Refugee." "HUH? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!" "It doesn't have to mran anything, you prick! I'm just trying to make you feel better!" "Leave me out of your shit! Go talk to Izzy Stradlin or some guy from Minneapolis!" And then he got an Email from Mark E Smith! You don't know who Mark E Smith was? I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG AROUND WITH YOU GUYS!
When asked about the Doctor for the US Female Gymnastics Team sexually abusing young women the Doctor for the US Male Gymnastics Team said "Beats me! I am tripping my brains out on Ecstasy and those early Village People Records are FABULOUS!!!" Meanwhile a Member of the US Male Gymnastics Team broke his arm during exercises but said "No! I'm okay! I'm okay! I don't need to see the Doctor! NO! Leave me alone! I'll just get some Heroin!"
People are OUTRAGED that Mark Wahlberg was paid more Money to be in "All The Money In The World" than . . . You know . . . That Actress . . . What's her name? . . . Whatever . . . Anyway, it's unbelievable that the Star of "Boogie Nights", "The Perfect Storm", "Planet Of The Apes", "The Italian Job", "The Happening", "The Fighter", "Lone Survivor", "Ted", "Daddy's Home", "Ted 2", and "Daddy's Home 2" was paid more than the Woman that was in . . . Uh . . . Hhmmm . . . I saw her one time . . . I think it was on Cable . . . I think it was her . . . No, it was some other chick . . . I'll have to look it up on Google . . . Shit . . . That's the Joke, right? Can we move on? No, not "move on" to another Comedy Bit, "move on" to putting that Village People Record back on and taking some more Ecstasy! There's a guy with a broken arm coming in here and it is time to PARTY!
Spielberg is casting a Nationwide Search for people to Star in his Horrible "West Side Story" remake. And once the thing has completed Production he will cast a Nationwide Search for people willing to pay Money to see the goddam piece of crap. HA HA, Lobsters1 is putting things down for cheap laughs because he is a cranky old bastard. Seriously when is he gonna just DIE? "OW! The guy with the broken arm just kicked me on the head and did a back flip out the window! BOOZE TIME!!!"
They're really worried about Russian inteference in the 2020 Presidential Election. Heh Heh, let's be Polite and Pretend that the Russians are the only ones we have to worry about using Technology to mess up the next Election. HA HA HA . . . (Takes off shoe and stuffs it into mouth to keep from laughing) I'm sorry, I was thinking about Steve Martin in "The Jerk" . . . "He hates those cans!!" HA HA HA . . . Yeah, The Tech Industry is SO worried about the Election! Good thing nobody in the Tech Industry has one of those COMPUTERS, huh? None of those people who constantly talk about using them Computers and that crazy Internet to toy with that Democracy they care so much about would be considering . . . Okay, Okay, I'm busted! I'm trying to use the Internet to brainwash everybody into spending Election Day 2020 drinking beer until they forget to Vote and pass out in a puddle of their own vomit six hours before the results come in. Sorry! No, I didn't do it because anybody in Russia wanted me to, I did it because doing a Comedy Podcast and a Blog don't deliver the kind of KICKS a Psychopath like me needs to keep from bringing an Electric Kitchen Appliance into the Bath Tub with me. What can I say? I'm a SEVENTIES person!
Senator Susan Collins . . . Oh, this is just MEAN . . . . . . Is she okay? Somebody get her a chair! . . . Uh, Senator Susan Collins . . . Is she on the same Meds as Nancy Pelosi? Does she want a can of Ensure? . . . They were having a Meeting during the Government Shutdown and she was inflicting some Swahili or Apache "Talking Stick" on people. A Talking Stick in the Senate! Have Paul Ryan send some Smoke Signals to the White House! I'm sorry, I meant the White Wigwam! "The other day I was in a Sweat Lodge with Lindsey Graham and John McCain and I thought I was gonna PUKE! Let's do that crazy 'A Man Called Horse' thing to Dick Durbin where we stick hooks on the end of leather straps hanging from the ceiling into his Pectoral Muscles and make him spin around like a Ceiling Fan! Does Nancy Pelosi have a Talking Stick? Nancy Pelosi IS a Talking stick? HA HA! I'm sorry. Hey, what about Elizabeth Warren? Does she have a Walking Stick? Oh, My Gawd - We are gonna get SO many gags outta this! First up, you've seen him on all the Talk Shows and that's why you don't watch the Talk Shows, let's have a Big "Lobsters1 Blog" Welcome for RICHARD LEWIS! "Oh, boy! A Talking Stick? It's a nightmare! The way my relationships go it's a STALKING STICK! Oh, no!" And don't miss his hilarious new series on Showtime - Andrew Dice Clay!!! "'ey, a Talking Stick? TALK TO MY DICK!" And you Love him on "Law And Order - Special Victims Something Something", the Legendary Richard Belzer! "A Talking Stick? I say we bend her over and give her a Talking Ass!" Well, that's all for Tonight! "I wish I knew David Brenner was dead before I ordered those drinks!"
Did you know that they aren't just "Dreamers" - They are are "D.R.E.A.Mers". What else could they do to make it even more annoying? Throw in one of those dumb ass Hashtags? It's an Acronym? Kind of long for an acronym. You made me say "Acronym" twice! THREE TIMES, YOU ASSHOLE! You're not just an asshole, you are an A.S.S.H.O.L.E. What is A.S.S.H.O.L.E. an acroym for? Figure it out yourself, I'm watching "Gilligan's Island" to avoid finding out what D.R.E.A.M.ers is an acronym for. STOP MAKING ME SAY "ACRONYM"!! You think Chris Matthews would have a job if it was M.S.N.B.C? N.O.! At least "M*A*S*H" was funny and R.E.M. was a cool Band. Yeah, they both went on a few years too long. The guy who replaced Wayne Rogers was better than the guy who replaced Bill Berry. Lobsters1 was inclinrd to leave The Dreamers alone, but The D.R.E.A.M.ers? B.L.O.W M.E. You're insulted? Why do you find B.L.O.W. M.E. insulting? You don't know what it stands for! You have to speak Spanish to know what D.R.E.A.M.ers stands for. They might be putting down Bill Berry or Wayne Rogers for all you know. Don't project your Hostility onto me, man! E.A.T. M.E.!!!
Yay, it's OSCAR SEASON! Time to listen to People you don't like jabbering about Movies you don't want to see. Like "Phantom Thread" - A Movie about a guy who makes Dresses for a Living but it's okay because he has a Girlfriend. And "The Shape Of Water" - A Movie about a guy who kind of like a Fish but it's okay because he has a Girlfriend. Everybody's got a Girlfriend - Whatever happened to that "Brokeback Mountain" they were all jumping around and waving their hands in the air about a little while ago? Oh, Heath Ledger died. But they won't shut up about him so it's COOL! What else is Nominated? That's how much anybody cares about about these Movies, we got distracted by Heath Ledger's dumb dead ass. Uh . . . OH! Lobsters1 forgot to make a Big Fuss over "Get Out"! You have to make a Big Fuss over "Get Out" or YOU ARE A RACIST! "GET OUT"! "GET OUT"! "GET OUT"!!! Lobsters1 is no Racist! Has he seen "Get Out"? What, Lobsters1 go to the Movies in 2018? Are you crazy? "You're a racist!" Yeah, but Lobsters1 is a Dress makin' kind of like a fish racist who's hooked on the same shit that killed Heath Ledger. Or is it the same shit that killed River Pheonix? Either way he's gonna OD before you can get over here so just sit there and POUT, bitch! What other Movies are they talking about? "The Master Showman"? A sequel to "The Master"? I'd go see that! What time is the next Show? I gotta take a Shower, I broke out in a sweat typing "GET OUT"! all over the place. I got no Time for this , I'm going to see "The Master Zendaya"! Just type up a lot of shit about how "Get Out" changed My Life Blah Blah Blah Work in a few Public Enemy quotes Blah Blah Blah . . . Wait a minute . . . Am I really going to the Movies? Do I have any Painkillers left over from when I fell out of that Zeppelin and landed on my head? Put on "The Beach Boys Greatest Hits", I'm going to bed. GET OUT! GET OUT! No I'm not talking about any goddam Movie, I'm telling you to leave me alone! I want to look at my Bai Ling Pictures! The Academy Awards!?! Why do they honor The Best Movie Of The Year with The Worst TV Show Of The Year? AND A BIG STUPID MIX UP AT THE END "Uh . . . Sorry, you guys didn't win Best Movie after all . . . We were supposed to be doing THE EMMYS tonight! The Award for Best Thing For Hillary Clinton To Watch Until She Passes Out goes to 'The Late Show With Stephen Colbert'! Is that asshole here right now? I think I saw him sitting on Elton John's lap."
Every Time Rob Reiner makes a lot of noise about Politics People wonder what Carl Reiner has to say. Rob Reiner yells about Donald Trump being racist and Carl Reiner says "Why is that Show so loud? That Music! Turn it off! I'm taking a nap!" Rob Reiner yells about Donald Trump being sexist and Carl Reiner says "Why is this broth so hot? I burned my tongue! Give it to the cat! I'm taking a nap!" Rob Reiner says some other stuff about Trump and Carl Reiner says "Why are you portraying me as this stereotypical old Jewish Man? Why don't you do some Stand Up instead of this 'Blog' foolishness? And no, I am not taking a nap. I'm going to ball a couple of hookers. Not really, I just said that for a joke."
Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi talking about "Shithole" and "Doggie Doo", what do Paul Ryan and Chuck Schumer have to say? "Uh . . . Take a Dump?" Good one, Paul Ryan! How about you, Chuck Schumer? "Well, I emailed my Cousin Amy Schumer about this and . . . "" Uh oh! Never mind, Chuck! " . . . and she told me . . . " Shut up! Forget I asked you! "Thank You. You don't want to hear what she had to say. It was disgusting." I'm sure it was "YOU WANT TO HEAR WHAT I SAID!?!" Get out of here, Al Franken! "Can I apologise for that 'Take a Dump'?" Oh, Paul Ryan - Run out to Dippity Doo Do Nuts! Mitch McConnell wants a Large Coffee and two Jelly Do Nuts!"
Aziz Ansari was not at the SAG Awards because . . . Did anybody miss him? At the end of the Show did anybody cry "Hey! Where was Aziz Ansari? I sat there THE WHOLE TIME waiting for Aziz Ansari to come out and bug his eyes out at everybody but he never showed up! Did he hurt his eyes? Did Aziz Ansari bug his eyes out too much backstage so they popped out and were rolling around on the floor? " That's the only reason anybody ever paid attention to Aziz Ansari, it's just a matter of Time until until his eyes pop out of his head and roll around on the floor. That would be funny. People only laugh at Aziz Ansari because his eyes look like they are about to pop out of his head and roll around on the floor. Maybe somebody will step on em. That would be hilarious. But he wasn't at the SAG Awards because . . . He probably doesn't give a shit. The SAG Awards! Ikagine an awards show so lame not even Aziz Ansari can be bothered to go! Wow.
The first thing GOP Interns have to do every day is tackle Jeff Flake and take off his Powdered Wig before any News Photographer can get a picture of him "They keep telling him to stop coming in wearing that goddam wig but he won't listen. The first day he came in wearing that shit he was riding a HORSE! It's bad enough we have to tackle him and take that wig off of his head the first time that pompous ass came in we had to tackle a horse and take him off of the horse! Thank God Ted Nugent was there to shoot the horse. Jeff Flake is an ASSHOLE!" "I heard you say that, Sir!" "Oh, shit! Now the pissy fool is going to challenge me to a duel!" "Pistols at Dawn, Sir!" "Don't slap me with that glove again, Flake!" "Gloves at Mid Day, you Phillistine!" "Yeah, Flake. I'm a 'Phillistine'. WHATEVER!"
There was a Government Shut Down this Week End so the Savages who live in the Apartment above Lobsters1's started their own Republic. Lobsters1 liked the National Flag they made out of a Motley Crue T Shirt so he accepted a position as Ambassador to the Chinese Buffet across the Highway. Lobsters1 was working our own Language where we said "Springsteen" instead of "Stupid" and funny shit like that when it was discovered that the Liquor Store would not accept old Horror Movie DVDs with George Washington drawn on them as Currency and one of the guys had a nervous breakdown while listening to Poison while sober. Luckily I was at the Chinese Buffet at the time negotiating a Dishwashing Job . . . Uh oh, my Dad is on the Phone! The Government Shut Down affected the vending machines at the VA Hospital and he lost a Dollar trying to buy a candy bar! Soon we will Rule the Continent! Raise High The Doctor Feelgood Banner! Will people be tearing down Statues of us one hundred years from now? Uh oh, the FBI is here! You guys aren't getting paid! You should apply for the Janitor Job over at the Buffet! OW! I guess that Billy Club was paid for before the Shut Down, huh?
Everyone is ENRAGED by that TV Commercial where those Little Bitch Teenagers get a flat tire in the middle of the night and they don't know how to change it so they call their MOM and . . . Lobsters1 goes outside and beats a Teenager to Death with a tire iron . . . Ah! That's better! Anyway, so many people are infuriated by that Commercial George Romero has been brought back from the Dead to make a Movie about Teenage Sissies who get a flat tire in the middle of the night and don't know how to change it so they call their Mom and she tells em to Go To Hell and Rednecks attack the worthless little shits and beat them to Death with the tire iron (They read about it in the Lobsters1 Blog!) and fix the flat and steal the car and . . . Uh . . . Some stuff with naked girls dancing on the hood of the car, they're still working on the Script.
Has anybody done a silly Comedy Bit about Boris and Natasha the Funny Russian Villians on "Bullwinkle" being involved in all that Trump-Russia Election stuff? Like, Boris and Natasha being the Russians who had that meeting with Trump Junior. Lobsters1 can't be the first one to have thought of that! You're probably reading this and thinking "Jimmy Kimmell already did that, you idiot!" Jimmy Kimmell must be one Hell of a Funny Guy if he is coming up with the same ideas as Lobsters1! But how come Lobsters1 is never crying like a little bitch in front of everybody like Jimmy Kimmell? Oh, wait - There was that Public Meltdown at Dippity Doo Do Nuts over how terrible the new Joe Perry Solo Album is . . . Shit. Getting back to the Bullwinkle Show about Boris and Natasha stealing the Election . . . You could have Bullwinkle as Robert Mueller . . . Who would play Rocky? Get Sylvester Stallone to play Rocky, anything to keep him from making another Rambo Movie. See? Lobsters1 goes from Jokes about Russian Election Sabotage to Jokes about Sylvester Stallone. That's how much he cares about anything.
So, how is Joe Scarborough's Career as a Rock Star going? Any Joe Scarborough Fans out there? No, people who watch "Morning Joe" because they're idiots don't count. By "Joe Scarborough Fan" we mean all you Bad Ass Mofos Out There Gettin' Down To THAT WILD WILD JOE SCARBOROUGH SOUND!!!!! WHOA!!! Lobsters1 don't know no Joe Scarborough Fans cause when he sees Dangerous Edgy Rock And Roll Outlaws he calls the Cops and hides inside to listen to Dean Martin until his Blood Pressure goes back down. Cause Joe Scarborough is BAD ASS. Watching "Morning Joe" is the closest thing we've got in 2018 to hanging out in the Back Room at Max's Kansas City with Iggy and Loud Reed, man. Cause Joe Scarborough knows what it means to walk along the Lonely Street of Dreams. Joe Scarborough has been to The Edge. Joe Scarborough stood and looked down. Joe Scarborough lost a lot of Friends there, baby. Joe Scarborough's got no Time to mess around. Yeah, let's do that whole Song with "Joe Scarborough" stuck into it a few dozen Times. We've got a whole Blog to fill. Making fun of Joe Scarborough! A New Low for the Lobsters1 Blog! But at least Lobsters1 didn't mention Minka Brezinski. You got to BLEED FOR IT, Minka Brezinski! GOT TO GOT TO BLEED FOR IT, Minka Brezinski! Hey, let's drink some Jack Daniels and work up the nerve to do some Jokes about "Fox And Friends"! Let's get WILD! Let's get CRAZY!!!! I'm tired.
Cable News Idiots were talking about Mitt Romney becoming a Senator and the possibility of him going "Full Bulworth". We were supposed to take this seriously and Lobsters1 is a Serious Man and, after a long day of trying to imagine Mitt Romney fooling around with Halle Berry and becoming a Rapper, NO - Lobsters1 does not think there is any possibility of the guy going "Full Bulworth". So that was a valuable Day of Lobsters1's Life gone to waste and if at any Time in the Future those shit heads start jabbering about Mitt Romney or any other Politician going "Full Bulworth", "Full Gump", "Full Rambo", or "Full Zoolander" Lobsters1 will abandon all Reality to fool around with Halle Berry and become a Rapper. "Full Bulworth"! If only knocking the shit out of people was as easy as Writing lame Comedy Bits Gripe Gripe Bitch Bitch Gripe Gripe . . .
Oh My, did Cory Booker prove that he has The Moves to Rock and Shock Broadway at that Senate Committee Hearing or what? And his name is CORY!!! Uh . . . "The Lost Boys" was a long Time ago, was it The Two Corys or was it The Three Corys? Get him to do the "DEATH BY STEREO!!!" bit when he's finished screaming at that Norwegian Lady. Was he in that "Lucas" Movie with Charlie Sheen? No wonder he's so PERSNICKITTY!!
Lobsters1 does all the Writing for this Blog (No one else has any use for his shit) but here is a really cute Comedy Routine sent in by the kids in Missus Metoo's Seventh Grade Political Satire Class at Mort Sahl High School in Food Stamp, Wisconsin. Not only will it make you LAUGH, it will make you THINK!
An Interview with Kirstjen Neilsen
Secretary Neilsen, how is it possible for you to be in the Oval Office when President Trump said those terrible things but not hear them?
What? Huh? What did you say? Huh? What? A TERROR ATTACK!?! KILL THE MUSLIMS! KILL THE MUSLIMS!!!
Calm down, Secretary! You were right there in the room when Trump said all that stuff! How could you not hear it?
What? Huh? Can't hear ya! Did you say something? What? The Muslims are coming!?! Kill the Muslims! Kill the Muslims!!
And on and on like that. I only put it on the Blog because Missus Metoo is such a . . . Oh, look! Missus Metoo's Political Satire Writing Class has signed a Fifty Million Dollar Deal with HBO to do a Comedy Show called "Kill The Norwegians! Kill The Norwegians!" Wow . . . Congradultions, kids . . . I have to go Work in the Drive Thru Window at Dippitty Doo Do Nuts now . . . It's a good job . . . Fulfilling . . . Yeah . . .
How about a Movie with Woody Allen as that Doctor for the Olympic Women's Gymnastics Team that just got sent to Prison?
Okay, I'm sorry. That's enough of that. Unless Lobsters1 comes up with some Jokes. STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT, LOBSTERS1!! STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!!
The Exorcist and Father Karras come in
"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!"
Lobsters1 collapses. The Evil Spirit leaves his body and enters the body of Father Karras who immediately goes to LA and gets a job Writing for "American Dad".
They told everybody in Hawaii they were going to get hit by Nuclear Missilles but a half hour later they admitted it was all A BIG MISTAKE. It was a lot like in 1941 when a Japanese Sneak Attack on Pearl Harbor was announced but a half hour later . . . Oh God, are we really gonna go through with this? Yeah, What the Heck . . . In 1941 they announced that the Japanese had attacked Pearl Harbor and everybody got ready to Fight for Years all over the World to Defeat the Forces of Hatred, Ignorance, and Fear and become The Greatest Nation In The History Of The Human Race. But a half hour later the guy on the radio said it was just a Big Dumb Mistake and America spent the next Century getting high, getting laid, and becoming the bunch of Cannibal Pedophile Dolphin God Worshippers we are today. Praise Be To Thee, O Great And Powerful Dolphin God! (Saxophone Music) Dolphin God! Splishy Splashy Dolphin God! I'll be true to you! "Hey, 'From Here To Next Tuesday' is on tonight!"
Don't make fun of sensitive people who break down crying over how racist it was for a white man like John Wayne to portray Genghis Khan in "The Conqueror". That role should have gone to the only Mongolian Actor in Hollywood, Kenny Khan. Kenny Khan never got any roles because he was Mongolian and when Hollywood finally made a Movie about a Mongolian they gave the part to John Wayne! John Wayne got to be in Ten Million Movies but all Kenny Khan ever got to do was make Tuna Fish Sandwiches for the Three Stooges! There was no Internet yet so Kenny Khan couldn't even do a BLOG! Kenny Khan auditioned for an Ed Wood Movie and died when Bela Lugosi passed out while trying to make Mongolian Barbeque. Dead Men Don't Get Irony. Bob Dylan Wrote a Song about Kenny Khan but it's one of his Born Again Christian Albums so if you go around talking about it you are going to wind up making Tuna Fish SAndwiches for those guys on "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".
They should have called that stupid Movie "The Khanqueror".
You know what's terrifying? If Woody Allen can get away with being such a creep because he was so funny Fifty Years ago what kind of atrocities was GROUCHO MARX commiting before he finally died? HE WAS THE FUNNIEST MAN OF ALL TIME!!! Woody Allen did WEIRD STUFF to some poor little Vietnamese Girl but THE WHOLE VIETNAM WAR was Groucho Marx's idea! "Let's all go to Asia and DO WEIRD STUFF TO MILLIONS OF POOR LITTLE GIRLS!!!" Not to put down all the guys who were drafted and sent to fight over there - They'll kick your ass! - But when they had a little Time to wonder "What the hell am I doing over here?" they would not have been very happy to find out they were just making a diversion for Groucho Marx and Woody Allen and Bob Hope to run all over South East Asia . . . GOD, THAT SOUNDS FUN!!!! No wonder Lobsters1 got into Comedy when he was a kid.
You think Bob Hope was a Patriot because he did a bunch of Shows for the Troops in Vietnam? Jerry Lewis was such a Great American his SON fought in Vietnam! WHAT A HERO! Bob Hope would walk off of the Stage after a Show in Saigon and "Mister Hope, it's a Phone Call from Jerry Lewis in Vegas!" "Hello, Jerry?" "Hey, General Custer, hope you had a nice Show! While you were telling your little Jokes My Son - MY FIRST BORN!!! - watched some Communist rip his Best Friend's intestines out with a Can Opener!" "Yes, Jerry." "He hasn't had a decent night's sleep in four and a half months!" "Yes, Jerry." "I'm so worried about him committing suicide I might kill myself!" "Yes, Jerry." "I hope you've at least worked out a way to scam a lot of Money out of whatever the hell you're doing over there." "Yes, Jerry." "I gotta go. I'm in a jacuzzi with four seventeen year old girls. Or is it seven fourteen year old girls?" "Yes, Jerry." That's how Woody Allen got his start in Show Business, pretending to be Bob Hope and saying "Yes, Jerry" in Saigon while taking phone calls from Jerry Lewis.
Is Lobsters1 the only person in America that listens to Pulp? Oh, I'm sorry . . . Pulp was a British Rock Band in the Nineties. Or was it the Eighties? I'm not sure. Anyway, Twenty or Thirty (Maybe Forty?) Years ago these People got together in England and said "There's this guy in America who is really screwing everything up and by 2018 he's going to need something to cheer himself up at Night so let's spend the next few Years making Records he can listen to on You Tube . . . I don't know what You Tube is, that's another thing someone else is Working on right now to keep that miserable American from blowing his brains out in 2018". Anyway, that's where tthis Pulp Band comes from. In the Sixties The Beatles made Records that inspired millions of People to Change The World so then in the Eighties or Nineties Pulp made Records that helped some Poor Piece Of Shit do a Comedy Podcast and a Blog instead of going Berserk and flinging his own feces at passing vehicles. The Beatles were for Everybody. Pulp is for Lobsters1. Sometime in the Past Half Century there is a British Rock Band just for YOU! For Example - The Wonder Stuff! I've never listened to The Wonder Stuff, nobody I have ever known has ever listened to The Wonder Stuff, Maybe The Wonder Stuff is the British Rock Band for YOU! Look em up on that You Tube thing. Nobody in Blue Oyster Cult ever gave a damn about your dumb ass!
Andrew Dice Clay will be digitally added to the DVD version of PT Anderson's "Phantom Thread". Every five minutes the Diceman will appear in the middle of all that Dress Sewing Bullshit to demand "Hey! I thought the 'Boogie Nights' guy made this Movie!? This shit is not in the least bit 'Boogie Nights'! Ain't no 'Boogie' goin' on in here! Hey, Sewing Guy! You were the guy in the 'I will drink your milkshake!' Movie! Quit sewin' them goddam dresses and get busy drinkin' a goddam milkshake! Here! I brought you a milkshake! I picked it up on the way over here! Drink this!" "Oh, Thank You very much, but I do not feel quite up to drinking a milkshake just now." "Quit acting like an Old Lady and drink the milkshake!" "No Thank You, Mister Dice Clay." "I paid two dollars and seventy five cents for this goddam milkshake! Drink the freakin' milkshake already!" "Mister Dice Man, I am very grateful -" "WRONG! WRONG! You're supposed to say 'Thanks for the shake, bro!' and drink it down like a Champ! Let's take it from the Top!" Dice pauses for a moment, then - "ACTION! Hey, Phantom Thread Guy, I got you a milkshake!" "Seriously, Mister Dice Clay, we are trying to shoot -" "What's the matter? Is it cause it's a Vanilla milkshake? You don't like a Vanilla milkshake? You want a Chocolate milkshake? We'll get you a Chocolate milkshake! Lobsters1! Quit lookin' at them Japanese Girls on the Internet and get Mister Phantom Menace here a Chocolate milkshake!" "'Phantom Thread'" "What?" "It's 'Phantom Thread' not 'Phantom Menace'" "YOU'RE A PHANTOM PAIN IN THE ASS!!!"
That Red Headed Guy in the Sonic Commercials is THE FUNNIEST GUY IN THE WORLD! He never gets to do any TV Shows or Movies because he Loves the food at Sonic so much it's all he ever talks about and nobody wants to see a Movie or TV Show about about the food at Sonic. "Seinfeld" was based on a Show he pitched to NBC called "Sonic". "Seinfeld" was "A Show About Nothing" and "Sonic" was "A Show About The Food At Sonic". Every one of those horrible Judd Apatow Movies was originally a Movie Script that Red Headed Guy Wrote about the food at Sonic. Every day Jimmy Kimmell, Jimmy Fallon, and Stephen Colbert go to eat Lunch with the Red Headed Guy at Sonic and rewrite everything he had to say into Material for their sorry ass Talk Shows later that Night. Lobsters1 has the job of throwing out the trash at Sonic and gets all of his ideas for his Pod cast and Blog eavesdropping on the Redheaded Guy while he eats his Dinner. That Comedy Bit in Lobsters1's Podcast about Truman Capote getting hit on the head by a beer bottle Erich Von Stroheim dropped out The Hindenberg was originally something the Red Headed Guy said while enjoying a Chili Dog. If that Redheaded Guy cared as much about Show Business as he cared about the Chili Dogs at Sonic everybody in the Comedy Business would be taking the trash out at Sonic and doing Podcasts and Blogs. Or taking out the trash and doing a Late Night Talk Show at TBS.
So then a few more minutes of "Phantom Thread" foolishness about some English Morrissey Mope stitching stuff goes by until My Man Dice comes barking back in to wake everybody up "Yo, 'Kiss Meets The Phantom' bitch! Put on your 'Boogie Nights' shoes! We're gonna go to this crazy Coke Dealer's house to watch a Chinese Guy set off Firecrackers and be scared of a Really Big Black Guy! Come on!" "Pardon?" "Huh? I tell you about a Chinese GUY setting off FIrecrackers and all you got to say is 'Pardon?'? COME ON! WE GOT A COKE DEALER'S HOUSE TO KNOCK OVER!! Tom Green and Tom Cruise from 'Magnolia' are waitin' for us in the car!" "Mister Dice Clay . . . " "Okay! I been tryin' my best to ignore the 'Mister Dice Clay' shit -" Lobsters1 comes in with a Chocolate milkshake "Hey, Dice, I got the Chocolate milkshake." "Lobsters1 got the Chocolate milkshake! Friggin' Johnny On The Spot! Hey, David Bowie, you want a Chocolate milkshake, Lobsters1 got you a Chocolate milkshake!" " I do not want any flavor milkshake, Mister -" "DON'T SAY 'DICE CLAY', YOU . . . Wait a sec! Lobsters1!" "What?" "You only got one Straw! Why you only got one Straw?" "There's only one milkshake, Dice." "'There's only one milkshake, Dice.' You hear that? Next thing you know he'll be callin' me 'Mister Dice Clay'" "I got the milkshake, man! What's the matter?" "YOU ONLY GOT ONE STRAW! WE NEED A WHOLE BUNCH OF STRAWS SO THEN HE CAN STICK EM ALL TOGETHER INTO ONE GREAT BIG SIX FOOT LONG SUPER STRAW AND THEN WE CAN PUT THE MILKSHAKE OVER THERE BY THAT SEWING MACHINE AND THEN MISTER CHIPS CAN SIT HERE BY THIS OTHER GODDAM SEWING MACHINE AND WE CAN WATCH HIM DRINK THAT MILKSHAKE FROM ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE -" "Mister Dice Clay, I will not be drinking any milkshake - " "ALL THROUGH THAT STUPID MOVIE I WAS GOIN' 'WHEN IS HE GONNA DRINK A MILKSHAKE? I WANNA SEE HIM MAKE A GIANT FIFTY FOOT SUPER STRAW AND DRINK SOME OTHER POOR SON OF A BITCH'S MILKSHAKE!!!' BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED! IT NEVER HAPPENED!!! I HATE THAT MOVIE!!!" Lobsters1 asks Dice what he thought of "The Master" "Never saw it!"
That Red Headed Guy in the Sonic Commercials is named TJ Jagadowski. Or is it JT Jagadowski? That's why everybody just calls him "That Red Headed Guy In The Sonic Commercials". It's a lot easier to remember than . . . Uh . . . DJ Wammapopsi? No, it's TJ Jagadowski or maybe JT Jagadowski. That Flo chick in those Insurance Commercials must have one hell of crazy name! Or is it that Mo chick in those Insurance Commercials? Lobsters1 tried Writing down that Red Headed Guy in he Sonic Commercials' name on a piece of paper so he could remember it but when he looked at the piece of paper later Lobsters1 found out that he had Written down "That Red Headed Guy In The Sonic Commercials". Lobsters1 won't bother finding out the name of That Cute Chick With Bleeding Gums In That Mouthwash Commercial. When a Woman has Bleeding Gums it don't take much to rob the Romance out of it all.
Tom Green, Tom Cruise from "Magnolia", and the "Phantom Thread" guy are lined up on their hands and knees. Dice is disgusted "This is HORRIBLE!!" Tom Green drinks from the Chocolate milkshake on the floor in front of him through the Straw. Tom Cruise from "Magnolia"' mouth has sewn to Tom Green's ass and the "Phantom Thread"guy's mouth has been sewn onto Tom Cruise from "Magnolia"s ass. "I probably shouldn't use this in the Blog" says Lobsters1. Daniel Day Lewis from "There Will Be Blood" says "He's not going to actually 'drink' the milkshake" Dice can't stand it anymore "Let's get that crazy German Guy back in here to remove the stitches!" "Nah" says Lobsters1 "I don't want that creep around any more. Let's just leave these three here in the 'Phantom Thread' Movie and let PT Anderson figure out what to do with em." Dice, Lobsters1, and Daniel Day Lewis from "There Will Be Blood" leave "Let's go hang out in that Movie where I hijack a Beauty Pagent!" suggests Dice. Lobsters1 does an impression of Billy Gibbons on ZZ Top's "The Grange" - "They've got a lot of Nice Girls in that Movie!" "This milkshake is REALLY GOOD! Where did you get it?"
Carrot Top ripped off The Redheaded Guy in the Sonics Commercials. The Redheaded Guy would eat a Hamburger and say something funny, the Redheaded Guy would eat a Hot Dog and say something funny, the Redheaded Guy would eat an Ice Cream Sundae and say something funny - Carrot Top said "He's doing Prop Comedy with FOOD!" and put together a Prop Comedy Act with everything BUT Food. The "Redheaded - Carrot Top" thing is self explanatory. Unless you are a REPUBLICAN (Laughter and applause) Thank You! Thank You! If the Redheaded Guy in the Sonic Commercials did Political Comedy he would be President with a Hamburger for Vice President, a Hot Dog for House Majority Leader, and an Ice Cream Sundae for Secretary Of Bad Comedy Bits (Laughter and applause) Thank You! Thank You!
Did You Know JERRY VAN DYKE Was Almost GILLIGAN!?!
Imagine Life In 2018 If Jerry Van Dyke Had Been America's "Little Buddy" Instead Of Bob Denver . . .
Mike Tyson would be PRESIDENT!
Rosie O'Donnell Would Be NICE And Ellen Degeneres Would Be HORRIBLE!
FACEbook Would Be NOSEbook!
Your DAD Would Have Been RICH!
Lobsters1 Would Be MARRIED To SANDA BULLOCK!
This POST Would Have Been FUNNY!
IF ONLY JERRY VAN DYKE HAD BEEN GILLIGAN!!!
COMING SOON FROM LOBSTERS1 PRODUCTIONS
DANGER DANGER!!! DON'T GO AROUND TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THE NEW ROSEANNE BARR SHOW!!!! It has been disclosed that that Roseanne's Character will be a Trump Supporter and The Good People That We Must Listen To And Obey At All Times are TERRIBLY UPSET!!! A Television Show about a Woman who Voted for Donald Trump? I guess in the first Episode Barr and John Goodman are going to blow up a Mosque and in the second Episode they go to Texas to help build the Border Wall and in the third Episode they take a break from building the Wall to build a Bakery so they can refuse to make Wedding Cakes for Gay Couples OH, THIS THING IS GOING TO BE THE WORST!!! It's a Miracle we made it this far into the goddam Blog Post without comparing somebody to HITLER! Johnny Galecki isn't going to be on this Show, is he? "Galecki" isn't a very American sounding name. And what about that Lesbian who played one of the Daughters? I bet Barr had their characters get killed on 9/11 or something. Hey, this will be fun - Let's start a Rumor that Barr wants to replace John Goodman with RUSH LIMBAUGH!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!! "This is a Job for ROBERT MUELLER!!!!" Hey, New York Times People, did you know that Axl Rose only got to do that Tour with AC/DC cause Roseanne was too busy Working on this Show? It's TRUE!!!!
Are all the Talk Show Hosts, Movie Stars, and TV Reporters right when they say that the President of the United States should be examined by a Psychiatrist to prove that he is fit for Office? Yes! Of COURSE they are correct! After all, weren't all the Talk Show Hosts, Movie Stars, and TV Reporters examined by a Psychiatrist to prove that they were fit for . . . Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, this whole thing was a TEST to see if YOU are fit to to continue doing whatever it is you have been doing for a Living. So . . . You did not see ahead of Time that this was going to be one of those "Ol' Switcharoo!" things that ended with all the Talk Show Hosts, Movie Stars, and TV Reporters having to be examined by a Psychiatrist just like all those assholes are saying the President should be examined? That proves there is something WRONG with you and Lobsters1 gets to come to your House and do something really horrible to you with a Baseball Bat with Barbed Wire wrapped around it! HAW HAW HAW!!!!! BEHOLD THE AWESOME POWER OF LOBSTERS1!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!!!! ALL I HAVE TO DO IS EAT A COOKIE AN D I TURN INTO GODZILLA!!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!!! What? Oh, The Little Bald Man on CNNN says I can't do a Blog on the Internet any more? OK.
Nobody goes to The Mall anymore. This Morning Lobsters1 was walking around The Mall dressed up like Bobcat Goldthwaite in "Shakes The Clown" and Singing "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" at the Top Of His Lungs and there was no one around to go "What are you, some kind of IDIOT!?!" and make him feel bad. All the poor Employees in the Stores just had to put up with it because they were hoping Lobsters1 was going to walk in and spend some Money. AN AWESOME EXPERIENCE! Twenty Years Ago Lobsters1 was walking around in the exact same Mall dressed up like a Guy who had just returned from New York after failing at Stand Up Comedy and mumbling to himself about committing Suicide and an angry mob of One Hundred And Fifty People chased him out into the Parking Lot and Beat him to Death. Who says The Internet has not made Life better for us all?
On the Morning of Tuesday January 9, 2018 Every Longhaired Slob in America woke up thinking that Motorhead was The Best Band Ever. But then they all took a Shower and went back to thinking Motley Crue or Pantera or Metallica or whatever Piece Of Shit Band they liked before they went to Sleep was The Best Band Ever. Will Every Longhaired Slob go back to liking Motorhead again Tonight once they are dirty and smelly from Walking around Acting like Assholes all day long? "What if we all wake up Wednesday Morning and we're in England?" "What if we wake up Wednesday Morning and we're English?" "What if we wake up Wednesday Morning and we're some English guy who used to be in Motorhead and got fired by Lemmy?" "CONGRADULATIONS, President Trump! Operation 'Make Thoe Longhaired Slobs Take A Shower Every Night' is a resounding success! You really are a Stable Genius!" "That was just a Joke." "Oh."
Yeah, let's Elect Oprah President. What the Hell, at least it will be Funny. We won't be allowed to Laugh, but it will be Funny. And nothing is funnier than something we are not allowed to Laugh at. That's why Hitler was so funny. At least until Mel Brooks came along and ruined it with that "Spring Time For Hitler" stuff. And Trump Jokes - These days you're in trouble if you DON'T make Trump Jokes. But Oprah Jokes . . . Lobsters1 is too busy cranking out Trump Jokes to to keep from getting chased out of town to even begin thinking about Oprah Jokes. When Oprah is President everyone will be running in the Street pretending to be the one who is so funny everyone is chasing them. Everyone will just run and run and run until we're all either in Canada or Mexico and there won't be any one left in America but Oprah and all her fabulous friends from the Golden Globes and . . . (Lobsters1 starts smashing shit up, runs down the Street yelling like a lunatic, gets hit by a car, bleeds to death in a ditch . . To Hell with it)
Did you see that interview where Jake Tapper called some guy a "Factotum"? WHOA! Anybody ever calls Lobsters1 a Factotum and he is gonna get punch in the nose! The MOUTH on that Jake Tapper! That guy Tapper was yappin' at may not have been John Wayne but he sure didn't seem like all that much of a Factotum. And even if he was a Factotum why did Jake have to resort to such language? When we were kids back in the Seventies we used to call Elton John a Factotum all the time but now it's 2017 and everybody thinks Sir Elton is One Heck Of A Neat Guy! Hey, Jake Tapper, are you aware of a Psychological concept called "Projection"? Yeah! Maybe you like that Factotum Guy more than you can deal with! Ha Ha! I bet your Co Workers Anderson Hooper, Ron Lennon, and Wolf Blotzer aren't very happy with you right now. WHAT? Get outta here! Wolf Blotzer has FACTOTUM written all over him!
One more thing, Jake - Your Sunday Morning Comic Strips are AWFUL!
Oh, Man! Vanilla Ice is all BUMMED OUT because he's been doing all this Anti Trump stuff but Trump won't pay any attention to him! Oh, BOO HOO HOO! Vanilla Ice got up and made this BIG SPEECH about about how much he hates Trump but . . . What? Eminem? Eminem is the White Rapper Guy who hates Trump? Are you sure? Didn't Eminem die? Yeah, Mike D and King Ad Rock are still around but Eminem . . . Eh, who gives a shit?
BEEN DRINKING ALL NIGHT AND WANT THE BOSS TO THINK YOU'RE SOBER?
SLOPPY STEVE PLAYS TED NUGENT AND NOTHING BUT TED NUGENT!!!
A PROGRAMMING ANNOUNCEMENT FROM WSSB FM MANAGEMENT
Jimmy Fallon is getting in on that Crazy Political Satire the Kids are into these days with a Wacky "Fire And Fury" Parody called "Fire And Fuzzy". It's about when he played with Donald Trump's Hair on "Th Tonight Show" "It will be really funny! 'Funny'? How about 'Fire And Funny'? Don't let the Writers go after they are finished Writing 'Fire And Fuzzy'! Make em Write a 'Fire And Funny' thing, too! Hey, how about 'Fully'? Isnt that a Word? Yeah, 'Fire And Fully'! Get the Writers to Work on that! And how about 'Fuddy'? You know, like 'Fuddy Duddy'? 'Fire Dire And Fuddy Duddy'! Get em to Write that! Yeah! Hey! Where is everybody going? HEY!
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF "WHAT'S GOIN' ON, TOMMY CHONG"?
TOMMY : Oh, Hey, Wow! How did this happen?
LOBSTERS1 : What's goin' on, Tommy Chong?
TOMMY : I don't know! How is what I am saying getting on the Internet, man?
LOBSTERS1 : How old are you these days, Tommy?
TOMMY : I'm not sure! Hey, the words that come out of my mouth are all over the screen!
LOBSTERS1 : Seems to me that you've finally smoked too much Pot, Tommy!
TOMMY : Oh, man, I'm not going to talk any more!
LOBSTERS1 : Maybe you shouldn't smoke Pot any more.
TOMMY : You're an ASSHOLE, man!
LOBSTERS1 : Yeah!
What ever happened to Sean Spicer? He used to be on TV standing behind that Podium every day, then he was standing behind that Podium on the Emmy Awards, but where is he today? Where is his Podium? Where, Sean Spicer, Where? Where, Podium, Where? A Lobsters1 Blog Investigation has found Sean Spicer on the Streets of Los Angeles Sleeping inside his Podium which he believes to be The White House. Sometimes he thinks he is Donald Trump Living in The White House, other Times he thinks he is Abraham Lincoln Living in The White House, and other Times he thinks he is Franklyn Roosevelt Living inside The White House. You can tell when Sean Spicer thinks he is Franklyn Roosevelt because he is yelling about his Wheelchair, you can tell when Sean Spicer thinks he is Abraham Lincoln because he is yelling about his Civil War, and you can tell when Sean Spicer thinks he is Donald Trump because he is yelling about how tired he is of hearing about Wheelchairs and Civil Wars. And every Morning he Sings "The Sean Spicer Song". It goes . . . Oh, you don't want to hear "The Sean Spicer Song"? Oh, Thank God. Boy, is it depressing.
Michael Wolfe says there are things in "Fire And Fury" that might not be True. Does he have stuff in there about Donald Trump turning into a Werewolf and killing People when there is a Full Moon so all the stuff about him Plotting with the Russians to steal the Election won't sound quite so crazy? Is that how they tricked People into liking Hillary Clinton? Did they tell People that Hillary Clinton Played all the Guitars on all the good Aerosmith Albums in the Seventies so all the stuff about her being a Great Secretary Of State wouldn't sound so crazy? In "Fire And Fury" Wolff makes Trump's Twitter stuff look even worse with what he Posts on The Donald1 Blog about Hillary Clinton Playing all the Guitars on all the good Aerosmith Albums in the Seventies and him turning into a Werewolf and killing People when there is a Full Moon. So if "Fire And Fury" is a Good Book about Donald Trump any Book is a Good Book about Donald Trump. Except for Joe Perry's Autobiography - That's a Really Good Book about Hillary Clinton.
A lot of FROZEN DOGS in the News lately. No matter what has been bugging you lately if "At least you aren't a Frozen Dog" does not make you feel better you are just a Big Ol' Cry Baby. Lobsters1 was in the ER in his Rubber George Clooney Mask last Night and the only Person who did not say "Yeah, you got a point there" after George Clooney (Lobsters1) told him "At least you aren't a Frozen Dog" was a Guy whose Head had been torn off by a Grizzley Bear. He did not have that interesting a response but at least the Blood spurting out of his Neck slowed down a bit. The Nurses arranged his Fingers into a jaunty "Thumbs Up!" and had the Resident Ventriloquist make it seem like he was Singing "Yellow Submarine" by The Beatles. So Give Up on Scientology and "Seinfeld" reruns and Sign Up for the "At Least You Aren't A Frozen Dog" Religious Cult! "Why didn't I think of THAT?" Mumbled Charles Manson moments before the Executioner Grizzley Bear tore his Head off "I don't know, Charles!" Lobsters1 said "Is 'Yellow Submarine' on 'The White Album'? I get all that crap mixed up" But the Grizzley Bear had torn Manson's head off by then and now Lobsters1 will never know what Beatles Album "Yellow Submarine" is on . Lobsters1 could look it up but he don't give a shit. Lobsters1 is all about, The Frozen Dogs! THE FROZEN DOGS!!!!
A Welcome Sign that Lobsters1 has yet to have gone completely out of his Mind - Lobsters1 was about to Write a Comedy Bit about that Asian Guy who Played Sulu on "Star Trek" and it took about THREE MINUTES for him to remember the Guy's Name! That ought to be enough to cut down on Lobsters1's Psych Med Dosage right there! CHEER UP, LOBSTERS1! You just might make it to the end of the Month without getting tied up in a Straight Jacket and ZAPPED to a smouldering crisp by Electroshock after all! And you were afraid that they were going to Hire John Waters to Write and Direct your Hollywood Bio Pic! And . . . OH, SHIT!!!! That "John Waters" just POPPED OUT of Lobsters1's Mind like a Paper Bag full of slop out of a McDonald's Drive Thru Window! DANGER DANGER DANGER Lobsters1 didn''t have to Pause to recall the Name of the Psycho Nut that made "Pink Flamingos" for ONE SECOND! DANGER DANGER DANGER It was right there on The Tip Of His Tongue! "Pink Flamingos" on The Tip Of His Tongue!?! WHERE IS THAT LITHIUM!?! WHERE IS THAT DUMP TRUCK FULL OF LITHIUM!?! Is it possible to make a BULLET out of LITHIUM? A BULLET made out of LITHIUM instead of LEAD!?! SOMEBODY GET TO WORK! LOBSTERS1 WILL BE TIED TO A TREE IN THE WOODS UNTIL YOU'RE FINISHED!
Lobsters1 spent all of 2017 Writing a Six Hundred Page Biography of Sherwood Schwartz, the Comedy Genius that Created "The Brady Bunch", and now he can't get any one to read it! They won't even take the Three Brown Paper Envelopes the Six Hundred Page Biography of Sherwood Schwartz is packaged in out of his hands! Lobsters1 tries to give them the Three Brown Paper Envelopes the Six Hundred Page Sherwood Schwartz Biography is packaged in and they just CRASH Lobsters1 over the head with it! Lobsters1 has spent most of 2018 so far passed out on the ground . . . OH, SHIT! Some one has taken the Six Hundred Pages of Sherwood Schwartz's Biography out of the Three Brown paper Envelopes and replaced them with Three One Hundred Pound Weights from out of the Gym Weight Room! No Wonder the Top of Lobsters1's Head has been so Squishy lately. Is that why the Guy in The Barber Shop got sick and passed out when Lobsters1 sat down in his Chair and asked him for a little trim this Morning? No Wonder that Coon Skin Cap keeps falling off.
America is SO IMPRESSED with how COOL Spike Lee's Record Collection is they are bringing back his "She's Gotta Have It" for another Season "All I am trying to do with my TV Show is impress everybody in the World with how GREAT my Record Collection is. Every Episode of 'She's Gotta Have It' is designed to make at least One Quarter of a Billion People say 'Holy Shit, does Spike Lee have a Cool Record Collection or What?'
LOOK OUT EVERYBODY! Jim Jarmusch's Record Collection has challenged Spike Lee's Record Collection to a DANCE OFF!
(Lobsters1 enters as Bowzer from Sha Na Na. He thinks he is dressed as Joe Strummer but he just looks like Bowzer)
LOBSTERS1: Hey, man, I hear you're pretty good! Don't you know you're in my neighborhood? I hear you're pretty fast on your feet. You better be at the Dance down on Fourteenth Street, YOU HEAR?
OFFICER KRUPKE : What the Hell are you talkin' 'bout, Lobsters1"
LOBSTERS1 : Spike Lee's Record Collection and Jim Jarmusch's Record Collection know what Record I'm quoting!
SPIKE LEE'S RECORD COLLECTION : I don't know what the Hell he's talking about! Do you know what he's talking about, Jim Jarmusch's Record Collection?
JIM JARMUSCH'S RECORD COLLECTION : He's just being an asshole!
MARTIN SCORSESE'S RECORD COLLECTION : Ooooohhhh! Oooooh! I know what Record he's talking about!
SPIKE LEE'S RECORD COLLECTION : Martin Scorsese's Record Collection? Nobody cares about Martin Scorsese!
JIM JARMUSCH'S RECORD COLLECTION : That Loser put "Layla" in a Movie! Freakin' "Layla"!"
MARTIN SCORSESE'S RECORD COLLECTION : But it was the really pretty Instrumental part at The End!
SPIKE LEE'S RECORD COLLECTION : GET OUTTA HERE!
JIM JARMUSCH'S RECORD COLLECTION : SCRAM!!
Jimmy Carter was attacked by a RABBIT! Yeah, you remember Forty Years Ago when President Jimmy Carter was attacked by a Rabbit. Lobsters1 has been trying to come up with a funny "Jimmy Carter Attacked By A Rabbit" Joke ever since and now - After Four Decades - he has finally come up with something GOOD. What? No, it's not a "Donald Trump attacked By A Rabbit" Joke. Donald Trump has never been attacked by a Rabbit. A "Donald Trump Attacked By A Rabbit" Joke wouldn't make any sense! But a "Jimmy Carter Attacked By A Rabbit" Joke would be HILARIOUS! BECAUSE IT REALLY HAPPENED! So . . . Jimmy Carter was attacked by a Rabbit and . . . Uh . . . Jimmy Carter . . . AW, SHIT! YOU GOT ME SO MIXED UP I FORGOT MY JIMMY CARTER ATTACKED BY A RABBIT JOKE!!!! CRAP!!! All my Life the only thing that has kept me going through all these Years of Suffering and Struggle was the Hope that one day I would finally discover the Ultimate "Jimmy Carter Attacked By A Rabbit" Joke and just when I was on the verge of that Final Moment of Triumph and Existential Fulfillment . . . Uh . . . What was I talking about?
Stephen Colbert enters wearing a Rabbit Costume and holding a Baseball Bat with Barbed Wire Wrapped around it
COLBERT : Anybody seen Donald Trump around here?
(Deafening Laughter and Applause from the Audience)
LOBSTERS1: I HATE you, Stephen Colbert!
Jimmy Carter enters
CARTER : I am sure that your Joke about me being attacked by a Rabbit was very funny, Lobsters1.
LOBSTERS : I thought you were Dead.
Chris Cuomo has a new Show on CNN! "Can I have Puppets? I want to do a Show with Puppets! Funny Donald Trump Puppets!" "Yeah, Chris - You can have Puppets." "I can make Puppets out of Socks! Look!" "Uh huh. Put your Socks back on, Chris." "Look at my Toes! I drew little faces on my Toes! Talking Toes! Talking Toes! Donald Trump face on my Big Toe!" "That's really great, Chris . . . " "Look at me!" "Chris! Come down off of that desk!" "Chris fly to Puppetland!" "Chris! Come down!" "Chris can FLYYYYYY!!" "Oh, shit!" (SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE - Lobsters1 thinks Chris Cuomo is a Moron) "Chris Write Comedy sketch about Donald Trump! Trump play with Puppets! Funny Rocket Man Puppet! Trump take off Socks! Trump draws faces on Toes!" "Is Trump going to fall off of the desk, Chris?" "You funny!"
Iran is lifting restrictions on Social Media! That's good because not knowing what Iranian dudes think of those new "Star Trek" Movies is driving everybody out their minds. Lobsters1 can't remember the last time he mocked an Iranian for living in his Mother's Basement. And it's SO FUNNY when "The Simpsons" quotes go over their Turban Wearing Heads "ZOOOM!!!" "WHAT WAS THAT!?!"
Steve Bannon said that some bullshit that happened was "Treasonous". It doesn't really matter what Bannon said, it's just a good excuse to post another picture of him on the Blog and make mean jokes about how creepy looking he is. LOOK AT HIM! WHAT A CREEP! Ugh . . . That guy is so creepy looking there aren't any jokes that could help us get over how creepy looking he is. Why did we put that picture of him on the Blog? Everybody's so creeped out they're going Off Line to hide under the Bed! LOOK OUT!!! STEVE BANNON IS ALREADY UNDER THE BED WAITING FOR YOU!!! He is going to EAT you! Oh, man. Too late. They turned the Blog off before they could read the Warning. And now Steve Bannon is eating them. Oh, man! Shit! WHAT A CREEP!
Usually all Lobsters1 has to do to Write the Blog is drink a little Coffee and - SHAZAM! - He instantly gets a Crazy Comedy Idea. But then there are other times when Lobsters1 drinks some Coffee and . . . Nothing happens. No "SHAZAM!", no nothing. So . . . Uh . . . Let's Write "SHAZAM!" down and look at it for a second. Maybe something will come to mind. . . Nope . . . Nothing . . . Lobsters1 just spent an Hour looking at that "SHAZAM! there and it feels like he could look at it for another Hour . . . And . . . It feels like watching PBS. Hey . . . Was that JOKE? Yeah! That bit about PBS was a Joke! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY! THANK YOU FOR READING THE LOBSTERS1 BLOG!!!
Uh . . . How much Lobsters1 pay for that Coffee? OH SHIT! That one little PBS Joke wasn't worth all that! No more going to Starbucks to Work on the Blog! SCREW THAT!
The North Korean Dictator Dude has a Button on his Desk he can press to launch Nuclear Missilles, Matt Lauer had a Button his Desk he could press to lock Hot Babes in his Office, Donald Trump has a Button on his Desk he can push to get a Diet Coke . . . Why doesn't Lobsters1 have a Cool Button he can push on his Groovy Desk? Lobsters1 doesn't even have a Desk! A Button on Lobsters1 Shirt fell off and he doesn't know how to sew it back on! He tried putting it back on with Adhesive Tape and everybody was LAUGHING at him! So Lobsters1 can understand wanting to launch Nuclear Missilles at a Nation full of assholes pointing and laughing at some Poor Guy with a Button taped onto his Shirt. GOOD FOR YOU, LIL' NORTH KOREAN GUY! Lobsters1 doesn't have an insulting name for you like "Rocket Man" or "Button Taped To Shirt Man" Go right ahead and push your "Nuclear Holocaust Button" on your Desk! LOBSTERS1 DON'T GIVE A SHIT! "Oh . . . Okay. If you say so . . . " Rocket Man pushes Button on Desk, Donald Trump comes in, and gives him a Diet Coke.
MUSIC : "Give Peace A Chance"
Any Joker Guys talking about Tommy Wiseau running for President yet? Somebody is bound to bring that up. "WISEAU FOR PRESIDENT!" Why yhe Hell not? Tommy will run against Tom Hanks AND KICK HANKS" ASS!!! Okay, you kids who just finished a course at The Upright Citizen's Brigade - Let's see a Sketch about Tommy Wiseau and Tom Hanks having a Presidential Debate . . . That was GOOD! Now let's see a Sketch about Tommy Wiseau being Sworn into Office and Tom Hanks trying to be a Good Sport about it . . . Eh, that was kind of funny but woud Tom Hanks REALLY pick up his chair and throw it Wiseau right in the middle of the Ceremony? That might Work with Hillary Clinton but . . . Yeah, we'll work on it, we'll work on it . . . Now, let's see a Sketch where President Wiseau finds Tom Hanks hiding on Air Force One . . . Yeah! That was GOOD STUFF! We're going to Write the Lobsters1 Blog like this all the Time now! Okay, let's do a thing about Matt Lauer . . . What? PAY YOU? HAW HAW HAW!!! WELCOME TO DOING COMEDY ON THE INTERNET, PUNKS!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!!! Hey, where ya goin'?
The very first thing a TV Reporter has to do when covering the Middle East is get a REALLY CUTE SCARF just like the ones all the Really Cute Arabs wear "Oh! I can't do my Remore just yet! I haven't put on my REALLY CUTE SCARF!" That's why the Israel don't get favorable coverage any more - The Isrealis don't wear REALLY CUTE SCARVES!!!! "What, you think my Great Grandfather had a REALLY CUTE SCARF when he was in Auschwitz? Get outta here with your REALLY CUTE SCARF, schmuck!" Dan Rather says "I really envy these younger Journalists today doing Remotes from the Middle East. Why didn't those stupid Vietnamese have REALLY CUTE SCARVES when I was a Young Reporter back in the Sixties? THEY ARE SO CUTE!!!! If we could have Worn those REALLY CUTE SCARVES while we were covering the War in Vietnam we would have been a lot more POSITIVE about the whole thing, the American people would have gotten behind the the War Effort and . . . Eh, screw it.
GOD BE PRAISED! Lobsters1 made it the way through the Holidays without hearing even one disgusting joke about what kind of Orifice those Boxes with a Mouth in front of the Box might have on the rear end of the Box! If Lobsters1 heard one - JUST ONE! - Sick Joke about what a Box with a Mouth in front might have in the back he would have . . . What? Lobsters1 was the only guy in the Earth creepy enough to think of such a thing? Oh, everybody else was getting all emotional and Singing "Give a little bit, give a little bit of your Love to me . . . " along with the Cute Cartoon Boxes while Lobsters1 was thinking about . . . Never mind. Forget I brought it up. NO, I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE A RORSCHACH TEST RIGHT NOW! LEAVE ME ALONE!
NEW YEARS EVE BACK PAIN HORROR FOR LOBSTERS1!
OW! BACK PAIN LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE! OW! It took so long to get out of Bed and into the Bathroom Lobsters1 thought he was taking a Whiz on the Fouth Of July. Was that funny? Who knows? The Doctor gave Lobsters1 a Pain Killer called Cyclobenzaprine and hopefully it will rocket him into that crazy Opioid Epidemic that people who have not made the transition to Heroin are so concerned about (Takes Pill) That was the Eleventh one in Ten minutes, Lobsters1 Back feels okay but his Front is face down on the Living Room Floor of of the Mexico City Apartment where William Burroughs accidentally Shot his Wife in the Head. Here comes the Tour Guide! "See the Blood Stains on the Wall? Crazy Man shot Crazy Wife in the Head! See the Puddle of Green Slime on the Floor? Lobsters1 just made the transition to Heroin and dissolved into a Mini Bayou! Let's go into the Kitchen make Missus Burroughs Ginger Bread Cookies and bite off the Head! BANG!!! (Lobsters1 takes thirteen more Pills) Lobsters1 is in the Parking Lot eating Cars and grabbing National Guardsmen with his Tentacles. FOX NEWS is on the Scene! "New Year's Eve Opioid Monster Hullaballoo! The Pain Med Monster has eaten the entire South East United States and will be rampaging across the Mid West as soon as he completes his Blog Post! (Lobsters1 takes eighteen Pills the size of an SUV) "Was Tolstoy taking Cyclobenzaprine when he Wrote 'Get Outta Here Napoleon!'? Will Lobsters1 be going to Work tomorrow? STAY TUNED!"
2017 - THE YEAR IN LOBSTERS1
Rosita appears on "The Talking Dead" and she is PREGNANT! Lobsters1 has enough problems with all those Dead People trying to eat him and Bai Ling trying to run him over with a Stretch Limo, now he has to take care of Abraham's Orphan Offspring, too? "Rosita, things aren't working out . . . LOOK OUT FOR THAT DEAD GUY!!!"
Lobsters1 goes back to 2017 and finds out that Bai Ling was the only one tha went to his Funeral. She thought there would be an Open Bar. "No, Bai, there was an OPEN CASKET so every one could laugh at my Brains falling out of my Skull "It made Cybil Shepherd VOMIT!" "Cybil was there? What a Nice Woman!"
That "Darkest Hour" Movie about Winston Churchill leading the fight against Hitler was supposed to be about Hillary Clinton leading the fight against Trump but then Clinton lost the Election and they got too depressed to make a Movie. Then "Dunkirk" was a Big Hit and some guy in Hollywood said "Wait a minute . . . A Fat Loud Person waddling around barking at everybody? Rewrite that Hillary Movie into a Churchill Movie! But Churchill beat Hitler, didn't he? Can we change the end so Hitler wins and Churchill throws a tantrum and has to be sedated? That would be HYSTERICAL." They wanted Noel The Funny Guy From Oasis to put on a lot of weight and play Churchill. That would have been a Laugh Riot! But they got Liam The Stupid Guy From Oasis by mistake and they didn't realise they had The Wrong Oasis Guy until Liam had put on Fifty or Sixty Pounds. OH, MAN!
We probably should have used a Picture of Hillary Duff instead of Hillary Clinton, huh?
What is it with all the Old Guitar Players having STROKES? The Guitar Player from Bad Company had a Stroke and the Guitar Player from AC/DC had a Stroke and DIED! And it wasn't The Damn Fool Running Around In The School Boy Uniform either! The Nice Quiet Guy just standing there playing Bad Ass Rhythm Guitar Parts had a Stroke and died but The Damn Fool Running Around In The Silly Ass School Boy Uniform is still . . . He better not be wearing that Uniform right now! They buried the Uniform with the guy who had the Stroke, right? They should have buried the guy who had the Stroke wearing the Uniform. He was a Cool Guy but that would have been a Good Joke "Ha Ha, you're a Dead School Boy and we're going on Tour with Axl Rose! Ha Ha!" Why no Jokes about the Guitar Player from Bad Company having a Stroke? Because Bad Company is friggin' HORRIBLE. Slim The Guitar Player in The Replacements had a Stroke! Lobsters1 shook hands with Slim after The Replacements played in New York back in '86. If Slim is Old enough to have a Stroke Lobsters1 is Old enough to have a Stroke! (Lobsters1 runs into the Bathroom to wash his hands. If Slim had gotten AIDS Lobsters1 could'nt do a "Washing Hands" Joke without getting in trouble) And now the Guitar Player from That Band Lobsters1 Can Never Remember The Name Of and who was always Playing with Peter Buck had a Stroke! I think he is just pretending to have had a Stroke. He's just tired of Peter Buck "STOP TALKING ABOUT THE BEACH BOYS ALL THE TIME!!!!" "Huh?" "AND THERE IS NOTHING STRANGE ABOUT BRIAN WILSON WRITING A SONG ABOUT JOHNNY CARSON!!! JOHNNY CARSON WAS AWESOME!!!!" "Is this another Intervention?"
Speaking of Rock N' Roll and Strokes - Whatever happened to The Strokes? "They're right up there in that Comedy Bit about all the Guitar Players having . . . " SHUT UP! That Bit is over. Now I'm doing a bit about The Strokes . . . " "You just did a Bit about Strokes!" "Excuse me, but are you guys Abbott And Costello? I thought you were dead!"
"ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET JARVIS COCKER*"
" We should do a Comedy Bit where I'm talking about Jarvis Cocker but you think I'm talking about Joe Cocker and we get confused." "Nah, let's try that new Martin And Lewis thing where we just run around and mess everything up." "I'm too old for that." Long Pause timed with exquisite Burlesque Top Banana precision "At least we did better than FRANKEN AND DAVIS!!!!" "Ha!" "High Five!" "What?"
*A Kick Ass British Rock Star who looks and behaves like a School Teacher who Lives with his Grandmother
I saw a Video of The Strokes doing 'Just What I Needed' with Jarvis Cocker on You Tube. "I saw a Video of Abbott And Costello doing 'Who's On First' with Jarvis Cocker." "It's a Good Thing you explained who Jarvis Cocker is to the Readers." "Perhaps you should explain to the Readers why they should continue reading this foolishness." says Special Celebrity Guest Star JARVIS COCKER casually strolling into The Lobsters1 Blog "JARVIS! JARVIS COCKER EVERYBODY!" (Some applause, confused mumbling) "It's very nice to be here." (Jarvis Lip Syncs "Cocaine Socialism". Lobsters1 really enjoys it, everyone else regards it as yet another example of why they dislike the Lobsters1 Blog) "Thank You, Jarvis! That was AWESOME!" "I had to do something to save the Show from that Abbott And Costello debacle." "'debacle'! Did you hear that? Jarvis said 'debacle'!" "Yes, well, perhaps I ought to be making my exit." Lobsters1 jumps around doing a cruel imitation of Jarvis saying "Yes, well, perhaps I ought to be making my exit." Jarvis, inspired by the "Dunkirk" and "Darkest Hour" Movies, kicks Lobsters1's sorry American Ass "I do not Live with my Grandmother! I Live with my Cat!"
Investigators in the Las Vegas Massacre have concluded that the Attack was Motivated by the Killer's intense dislike of Girls wearing Cowboy Boots "You look like whores! I don't care if this is Vegas! Go to New Orleans with that shit!" The first thing Lobsters1 thought when he first heard about the Shootings - "Is BRITNEY OK?" Yeah, Yeah, on the Podcast we did a "First thing I thought when I heard about the Shootings was 'Is CARROT TOP OK?" bit. Hey, Lobsters1 pays a lot for these Jokes and once he does em on the Podcast he's gonna do em on the Blog , he's gonna do em in the Shopping Mall dressed up like a Dog! "Security Guard! Security Guard! There's a man in the Food Court dressed up like a Chihuahua and making horrible Jokes about Girls in Cowboy Boots getting shot in Las Vegas!! He picked up my Sweet And Sour Chicken and threw it at the Frozen Yogurt Machine! Oh, wait . . . The Frozen Yogurt Machine is doing that 'Transformers' thing where it turns into a Rock Em Sock Em Robot and it's throwing the Chihuahua Man into the Water Fountain! What a Crazy Mall!" Did we do that on the Podcast yet? Let's do it next Week. Yeah. With a goofy Tommy Chong voice. www.thedevilisasissy.com
Lobsters1 refuses to go to the Mall ever since he found out the Frozen Yogurt Machine in the Food Court will do that "Transformers" thing and turn into a Rock Em Sock Em Robot and throw him into the Water Fountain if he does anything stupid "Why go to the Mall if I can't do something stupid? What is happening to this Country? First I'm getting thrown into a Water Fountain by a Rock Em Sock Em Robot and now ROSE MARIE IS DEAD!! Did Rose Marie drown in the Water Fountain in the Mall? Rose Marie never did nothing to no Yogurt Machine! What is, the Third Reich? Oh, I'm sorry. I had another January 2018 Flashback." BUT THE GOOD NEWS - If we are all Good and say "Diversity" a lot Mariah Carey will do that "Transformers" thing, turn into a Kareoke Frozen Yogurt Machine, and we can celebrate Rose Marie's Legact like it is 1999! Seems to me Rose Marie died before 1999 at least but that's kind of insensitive so The Lobsters1 Blog is The Place For It To Be. Somebody get Rose Marie out of that Water Fountain!
Leyla Santiago, the CNN REporter bumming out over how people don't there got no Power is a Babe, so Lobsters1 went down there pretending to be a Compassionate Electrical Engineer Guy "Hey, Lryla - Check it out!" Lobsters1 rolls in one of those Wooden Wheelie Thingies with Electrical Cable wrapped around it "ELECTRICITY ON A WHEEL! I pushed this shit all the way over from . . . Tibet! I'm Young Tom Edison! Let's get some Nachos!" "Who the hell are you?" "I'm the guy who invented the Forzen Yogurt Kareoke Machine that turns into a Rock Em Sock Em Robot and throws Fox News Nazis into the Water Fountain! Check it out! I got PRINGLES!" Man, Puerto Rico SUCKS! But at least there's no Electricity so so the Puerto Rican Frozen Yogurt Machines can't turn into Puerto Rican Robots and throw him into the Puerto Rican Water Fountains. All the Yogurt melted right in the middle of the Hurricane. Dogs licked it up, cats were disgusted, Hanna Barbera would have LOVED it! So, yeah, nothing happened between Lobsters1 and that Leyla chick. Lobsters1 went back to the Airport and they didn't have any Brad Thor Paperbacks! SCREW PUERTO RICO!
CHRISTMAS IS OVER - LET'S TALK ABOUT GIRLS!!!!
Let's do a thing about Garbage so we can put a picture of Shirley Manson on the Blog. Garbage is the name of a Band, Shirley is the Singer, and she is CUTE! Lobsters1 was Singing a Garbage Song at Work and the Black Women threatened to kill him. Then he told the Black Women that he was Singing a Song by a Band called Garbage and they locked him up in the Janitor's Closet. The fumes from the Cleaning Chemicals got to Lobsters1 and he thought he was Walt Disney durng the Production of "Fantasia" so when the Janitor heard Lobsters1 in there yelling about Cartoon Dinosaurs he got scared and left. Black Women complaining about how no one had cleaned out the Bath Rooms, Lobsters in the Closet hollering about how the Tyranosaurus Rex was the wrong color - WORST CHRISTMAS PARTY EVER! We can put anything here, everybody is too busy looking at that Picture of Shirley Manson to read this.
Did you know Pam Grier got her start in Hollywood answering the Phone at American International Pictures? Yeah! Some guy would call AIP to pitch an idea for a Beach Party Movie and when he heard Pam Grier on the line going "American International Pictures! Get your hands off of me, Peter Fonda!!" he'd go nuts and wind up in Jail for running around naked yelling "I HAVE BEEN TO THE MOUNTAIN TOP!!!!" Finally AIP realized they had a responsability to Mankind to harnass that Power for the Focres of Good and put Pam in the Movies "Okay, but I ain't gonna be in no Movie with that Dennis Hopper!" "Oh, man! What a DRAG!" "I like you, Dennis!" "GET AWAY FROM ME, VINCENT PRICE!!!" Hey, Lobsters1 ought to create a Sit Com about AIP in the Sixties! Crazy LA Improv KIds as Pam Grier, Peter Fonda, Dennis Hopper, and Vincent Price! What a GREAT WAY to flush 2018 down the toilet! (Lobsters1 goes to the Store for a Twelve Month Supply of Spiral Notebooks, Black Ball Point Pens, and Five Hour Energy Drink. And right next to the Check Out Counter - a "Black Mama, White Mama" DVD!)
People sure are crazy about Elizabeth Montgomery all of a sudden! Thirty Years Ago you never heard nothing about Elizabeth Montgomery (Probably because we still had Good Music to listen to) but nowadays it's Elizabeth Montgomery Elizabeth Montgomery Elizabeth Montgomery - With a few Nouns and Verbs thrown in but nobody is paying attention because it is ELIZABETH MONTGOMERY. There were two Darrens on "Bewitched" because Elizabeth Montgomery was too much Woman for one Darren. Oh God, NOW SHE'S IN A BRUNETTE WIG AS SAMANTHA'S SISTER, This Is Larry's Big Day! You know Larry the guy from Darren's Office who was always hanging around. You think he was hanging around because of Darren? Larry was NO FOOL! People are Hot over Elizabeth Montgomery because of the rumors about her and JFK. Yeah, it's TRUE - Elizabeth Montgomery was on the PT-109. That's how JFK got distracted and let the PT-109 get run over by a Big Ass Japanese Ship "Wiggle your nose like that again . . . Wiggle it again . . . Wiggle it . . . Wiggle . . . WIGGLE . . . OH SHIT! IT'S A BIG ASS JAPANESE SHIP!!!" That's how JFK saved the Crew, Elizabeth Montgomery stuck her head in the water, wiggled her nose nonstop, and propelled them all the way back to Boston. Are you still reading this? See what happens when they throw a few Nouns and Verbs into the Elizabeth Monthgomery Elizabeth Montgomery Elizabeth Montgomery? Jesus.
BETTER THAN ANY IDEA CHARLES DICKENS EVER HAD!
Christmas Morning Lobsters1 had a Dream about a Chinese Whorehouse right around the corner from his apartment. Yeah, a Dream. About a Chinese Whorehouse. Right around the corner from his apartment. On Christmas Morning. Let's see Rankin - Bass make a Stop Motion Animation Christmas Special about THAT! You've got a whole year to do it, GET BUSY! Rankin, get Coffee and Danish! Bass, get Al Franken to Write it now that he's not a Senator any more! Sid And Marty Kroft, you're about to get a call from Rankin-Bass, they've never been to a Chinese Whorehouse and they need all the help thy can get! AND NO SCROOGE!!!
The same thing keeps happening - Adam Sandler makes a Movie, everybody on the Internet screams and cries about how horrible it is for three years, and then Lobsters1 sees it on FX one Sunday afternoon and has a pretty good time .How much is Wil Ferrell paying you people to continue this sick charade? Cause Christmas Afternoon Lobsters1 saw that Adam Sandler Movie where the Earth was attacked by Video Games from Outer Space and you can take your "Citizen Kanes"s and your "The Searchers" and your Martin Scorsese Movies about Italians who curse too much and . . . And when are we going to get another Nick Swardson Movie with Christina Ricci? Okay, make that a Christina Ricci Movie with Nick Swardson. Hey, Al Franken, are you Writing this down? You're not a Senator any more. You need a Job!
CHRISTMAS DAY ON THE LOBSTERS1 CHANNEL . . .
The Lobsters1 Crappy Animated "Christmas Carol" Adaptation Marathon! Every Year there'a a new Crappy Animated "Christmas Carol" Adaptation and this Christmas Day you can watch the Twenty Four most recent ones on The Lobsters1 Channel! It will be AWFUL! Beginning at 12 AM you can watch the Crappy Animated "Christmas Carol" Adaptation from 1993 and then one Crappy Animated "Christmas Carol" Adaptation every hour until you watch the Crappy Animated "Christmas Carol" from 2017 at the end of Christmas Day and murder every Human Being you can get hold of until the Cops finally gun you down. Maybe we shouldn't go through with this?
HAVE A MERRY UKRAINIAN ANTI TANK WEAPON CHRISTMAS! (HOW ABOUT A MERRY UKRAINIAN ANTI TANK WEAPON XMAS? YEAH)
It's Christmas and John McCain actually agrees with Donald Trump about something! Let's give the Ukainians Anti Tank Weapons for Christmas! Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you knock the shit out of that Russian Tank tonight? John McCain in a Santa Claus costume leaving Jingle Bell Bazookas in the Little Ukrainian Kid's Christmas Stockings! "I Love you, John McCain!" "Don't get carried away, kid! I'm still a DICK!" "Oh." A Russian Tank plows into the hut, everyone suffers horrible injuries, and John McCain says "That's why I joined the NAVY!" "Wow! You are a DICK!"
A recent Rasmussen Poll finds that 87% of the American People think that The Lobsters1 Blog is a bucket of crap. So Lobsters1 will spend Christmas crawling around in the parking lot howling at the sky and rubbing gravel into his hair. Was that Comedy Bit about Taylor Swift falling into a Pig Pen and getting eaten alive a mistake? Oh, look! A Rasmussen Poll finding that %92 of the American People think Taylor Swift getting eaten by pigs is not funny. What do pigs think? Why don't they poll pigs? Hey, Rasmussen, you too cool to poll pigs? "We're afraid we'll fall into the pen and get eaten!" Hey, Rasmussen, don't take it bad, take a sad song and make it better . . . "Don't you know any GOOD Beatles Songs?" KISS MY ASS, RASMUSSEN!! John McCain enters holding a smoking Anti Tank Weapon in one hand and a canvas sack full of decapitated Russian Tank Crewmen heads in the other "THAT'S telline em, Lobsters1!"
Oh, Thank Gawd! Jann Wenner finally found some one dumb enough to buy his awful Magazine! Maybe we'll do a little Joke here about Wenner finding some one dumb enough to buy a COPY of his Magazine. That could be Crazy. Jann Wenner is standing at the Check Out Counter in some store "Hey, and while you're buying a bottle of Mountain Dew and a Candy Bar, how about a copy of Rolling Stone!? ELON MUSK is on the cover! ROCKIN'!" And then he gets mad and starts crying "Everybody is jealous of me cause I'm friends with . . . No, he's dead. You're all jealous because I'm friends with . . . He's dead, too! Is Paul Simon dead yet? That's why he never calls me any more, right? Right? RIGHT?" But the poor bastard has unloaded his Bozo Magazine on some fool at last "And, hey,, while you're buying Rolling Stone how about Playboy and ESPN? You can put your Mom on the cover. Buy Playboy and put your Mom in the Centerfold. I don't care, I'm one step away from living in the shed behind Mick Jagger's House." "Are you going to cry?" "I tried to sell a Twentieth Century thing in the Twenty First Century and Teenagers are laughing at me!" "I think they're laughing at your Nirvana T-Shirt." Hey, Good Luck getting a Buyer for your Dead Ass Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, Shit Breath!
The Gallagher Brothers are FRIENDS again! After all that fussing and fighting they just got together for a Beer! Does this mean they're going to get together to smash watermelons with sledgehammers and tell silly jokes? Is it Okay with the Original Gallagher if his Little Brother goes on Tour with the crazy Melon Smashin' again? Is . . . Huh? . . . Oh, it's not the Gallagher Comedy Brothers who have gotten back together, it's those Crazy British Rock Star Gallagher Brothers. Eh . . . That's interesting. Those guys are kinda funny, too. Remember when one of em was talking about his kids? "All the boys want to do is fight. I will take on a Three Year Old anytime. I WILL FUCK YOU UP!!!" That guy is FUNNY! Is he the one with that Band called Beady Eye? Can the American Watermelon Gallaghers have that "I will take on a Three Year Old anytime" bit? Maybe the younger one can do it instead of the Watermelon thing. Beady Eye Music, Mate!
It's GOT To Be A Better Movie Than "You've Got Mail" . . .
How long until they whip up a Broadway Musical based on "The Room"? One year? Two years? You just know that somebody out there is talking about it. Or "jabbering and waving their hands around about it", to be more accurate. There will be a whole chorus line of Wisseaus. They'll sing while throwing a ball around. Nah, where are you gonna find a bunch of Musical Theater guys who can sing and dance while throwing a ball around? Call the Community Theater in Alabama! Get Paul Westerberg to Work on the "You're Tearing Me Apart" Song! Uh . . . Lobsters1 still hasn't seen "The Room" and doesn't know enough about it to go on with the "Broadway Musical Based On 'The Room'" bit. How about a Musical version of "Petey Wheatstraw The Devil's Son In Law"? Anybody here ever seen "Petey Wheatstraw The Devil's Son In Law"? Huh? Huh? No? Nobody? I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG AROUND WITH YOU GUYS!!!
There is NO WAY Trump can get away with firing Bob Mueller and Bob Mueller KNOWS IT! That's why Bob never shows up for Work until Noon and has been wearing the same pair of Cargo Shorts and Flip Flops for the past two months. Once Bob finally stops doing Steve Martin Stand Up Routines for the Guys in the Mail Room he goes in his Office, puts on 'Dark Side Of The Moon", and smokes a Big Ol' Doob while Staff Members try to give him a Briefing on whatever kind of "Donald Trump Stole The Election" bullshit they've been up to lately "DREAM ON, bitches!" Bob drawls as he picks up an acoustic guitar his Old Buddy Willie Nelson (Or was it Jimmy Buffet? Whatever!) gave him to Sing his "Collusion Confusion" Song over and over until Quittin' Time "QUITTIN' TIME? It'll be at least a YEAR until that shit gets here! This is ONE SWEET GIG! UNLESS I GET FIRED!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!! Who drank all my Pabst Blue Ribbon?" Bill Murray wants to make a Movie as Bob Mueller and Bob says "Wow . . . If I experience the same day every day over and over again I might be able to figure out where I left my 'We're An American Band' Eight Track! WHOA!"
Yeah, SHUT UP about Tom Hanks running for President. That is too silly for even the Lobsters1 Blog! Tom Hanks is never going to be President and here is why - If Tom Hanks is ever dumb enough to announce that he is running for President the very first thing every Red Blooded American will ask is "Why wasn't Tom Hanks in 'Police Academy'?" Tom Hanks was already in "Bachelor Party" which was Written and Directed by the same guy* who Wrote and Directed "Police Academy", if Tom Hanks was in "Bachelor Party" why wasn't he is "Police Academy"? Huh? What, "Police Academy" wasn't GOOD ENOUGH for Mister Hollywood Elite Smarty Pants? OOOOOHHH, you're TOO GOOD for "Police Academy"? I bet if you had been born a few years earlier you would have been TOO GOOD to go to VIETNAM!!! HUH? HUH? What, did you avoid service in "Police Academy" by lying about some bullshit Medical condition? YOU CANDY ASS! Who was in "Police Academy"? Steve Guttenberg? Hey, Steve Guttenberg! If you had been born a few years earlier would you have gone to Vietnam? Steve Guttenberg looks up from his Lunch with mild curiosity "Uh . . . Yeah . . . Sure! If I had been born a few years earlier I would have gone to Vietnam. Yeah . . . Why not?" GUTTENBERG IN 2020!!!! HE WOULD HAVE GONE TO VIETNAM!!!! "Yeah . . . Uh huh."
* Ask the next French guy you run into.
OH! OH! ONCE YOU GET STARTED WITH THIS POLITICAL CRAP THERE IS NO END TO IT!
More DIRT on this Tom Hanks guy! His supporters would tell you "Yeah, okay - Tom Hanks wasn't in 'Police Academy' but he was in 'Splash'! Huh? 'Splash'! Okay? 'Splash'!" "If only I had not been shot in the head by John Wilkes Booth 'Splash' would have been my favorite Movie." - Abraham Lincoln Well, first of all, Abe, I bet you have never seen 'Battle Royale' and, second, did you know that Tom Hanks was only in "Splash" because Bill Murray turned it down? YEAH! They wanted Bill Murray to be in "Splash" but he . . . Aw, who the hell knows why Bill Murray does the shit he does? Anyway, they only want Tom Hanks to run for President because Bill Murray already turned it down. YEAH! They wanted Bill Murray to run for President but he . . . Aw, who the hell knows why Bill Murray does the shit he does? Did you know that Japanese Guy Actor was in "Battle Royale" because Bill Murray turned it down? YEAH! They wanted Bill Murray to be in "Battle Royale" but he . . . Okay, went too far with the Bill Murray thing. What the heck, SOMEBODY'S gotta do somerhing with the Bill Murray thing! He ain't doing nothing with it.
BIG COMEDY WRITING NEWS!
The Ivy League Douche and The Black Guy With The Tremendous Space Between His Eyes who have been sitting behind the desk and looking at the camera during "Week End Update" have been made THE HEAD WRITERS on "Saturday Night Live"! Congradulations, Ivy League Douche and Black Guy With The Tremendous Space Between Your Eyes! In further Drinking Coffee And Scribbling Bad Ideas In Notebbooks News, John Saleeby has been made the Head Writer on "The Devil Is A Sissy" Comedy Podcast. Yeah, John Saleeby has always been the ONLY Writer on "The Devil Is A Sissy" but now he is the HEAD WRITER! ALL RIGHT! Wait! More Exciting "The Devil Is A Sissy" News! John Saleeby has been made the HEAD LISTENER on "The Devil Is A Sissy" Comedy Podcast! Yeah, John Saleeby has always been the ONLY Listener on "The Devil Is A Sissy" but now . . . Aw, crap . . . www.thedevilisasissy.com
Sixties Guys always talk about Vietnam. The Closest Seventies Guys got to Vietnam was Aerosmith Concerts. A lot of Seventies Guys went to Aerosmith Concerts and never made it back, man. The difference between a Sixties Guy who went to Vietnam and never made it back and a Seventies Guy who went to an Aerosmith Concert and never made it back was no one missed a Seventies Guy who went to an Aerosmith Concert and never made it back. People got so tired of making a Big Fuss over Sixties Guys who went to Vietnam and never made it back they never even noticed any Seventies Guy who went to an Aerosmith Concert and never made it back. It was just assumed they'd gone backstage and got their brains blown out playing Russian Roullette with Steven Tyler and Brad Whitford. Yeah, Francis Ford Coppola got that "Saigon . . . SHIT!" line in "Apocolypse Now" from hanging with Aerosmith and Joe Perry saying "'Dream On' . . . SHIT!" Why so many Joe Perry Jokes around here? WHAT? Not enough Ace Frehley Jokes for you? Hey! What would it have been like if Ace Frehley had gone to Vietnam? "If you do an 'Ace Frehley In Vietnam' Comedy Bit I am going to get very angry!" Uh Oh! It's GEORGE TAKEI in "The Green Berets"! Let's get ouuta here!
GODDAMMIT!!! Lobsters1 just found out that a Canadian Comedian named Baldhead Bobby has been doing Comedy Bits from the Lobsters1 Blog on his Canadian TV Show and now Lobsters1 is going up to Canada to beat the shit out of EVERYBODY! Where's that Ball Peen Hammer? Gonna pack up that Ball Peen Hammer and go to Canada to . . . What? WHAT?!? There is NO SUCH PERSON as a Canadian Comedian named Baldhead Bobby? What . . . What . . . Why did you tell me . . . What . . . What . . . It was all an elaborate HOAX just to get me OUT OF TOWN?!? BASTARDS!!! I am gonna . . . Wait a Minute!! Last Week when you told Al Roker that some TV Weatherman on The North Pole was pulling all of his Best Gags on the Eskimos . . . Good Job, My Man! Good Job! Somebody do that shit to Glenn Beck! Send his silly ass off to INDIA! HA!
What are we going to do with Matthew Perry? Has anyone seen him since he was on "The Odd Couple"? I know nobody saw him while he was ON "The Odd Couple" has anybody seen Matthew Perry since they cancelled "The Odd Couple"? "The Odd Couple" with Matthew Perry and Tom Lennon SOUNDED like it would be a good Show but once you saw it . . . Maybe we should have tried smelling it first. With Felix running around cleaning the apartment all the time I bet that Show smelled pretty good. And then Oscar comes in from the Mets game with a Hot Dog in his pocket - GREAT SHOW! But now the Show is cancelled and poor Matthew Perry is covering himself with Bar B Q Sauce in the path of one of them crazy California Freak Ass Fires. That's why California is burning all up - They cancel Sit Coms and the Stars are sparking themselves up like Buddhist Monks protesting NBC cancelling "The Monkees" or some psychedelic Sixties shit. At least Tom Lennon is busy Writing Three Hundred Thousand Comedy Movie Scripts a Year but what about Matthew Perry? Is Joe Perry his Dad? Was Matthew left alone with Steven Tyler one afternoon when he was a child? Tom Lennon Wrote that lost bit, not Lobsters1! Tom Lennon!
THE LOBSTERS1 BLOG CARES AND LETS YOU SHARE
America's response to The Lobsters1 Blog's "What Are We Going To Do With Matthew Perry?" demonstrates once again that Our Nation never fails to reach out and help a Friend in need. Millions of "Friends" fans were moved to contact Matthew Perry and remind him how much they Love and Care about him. Hollywood's Top Celebrities gathered in an LA Studio to Record "We Love You Matthew Perry, You Can Crash In Our Shed". CBS has decided to bring back "The Odd Couple", only without Tom Lennon as Felix and called "The Odd Puffy Guy". And just an hour ago Lobsters1 heard from Matthew Perry himself - "Thanks, Lobsters1! You Da Man! Come on out to Hollywood! You are gonna be the Showrunner on 'The Odd Puffy Guy'! You are gonna be the Top Comedy Writer in LA! You are gonna make SO MUCH MONEY!!! We"RE GONNA MAKE MOVIES!!! WE ARE GONNA . . . "
What an asshole.
Jim Dickinson would be a Household Name if he hadn't been FAT. Don't know who Jim Dickinson was? That's cause he was fat. Not that he was OBESE. If Jim Dickinson had been obese not even LObsters1 would know who he was. But, just to give you a little clue as to who that fat Jim Dickinson guy was - He was a Record Producer. And if he had not been fat Jim Dickinson would be right up there with Phil Spector and George Martin as one of The Greatest Record Producers Of All Time. Neither Phil Spector or George Martin were fat, it should be pointed out. If Phil Spector and George Martin had been fat they never would have gotten Married to Ronnie Spector or Worked with The Beatles . . . Uh . . . For the benefit for those of you who had no idea who Jim Dickinson was, Phil Spector was Married to Ronnie Spector and George Martin Worked with The Beatles. Geez, talking about Record Producers with people who don't know who Jim Dickinson was is kind of a PAIN. But at least now you know that he was fat as well as some other stuff about Ronnie Spector and The Beatles that you probably won't remember. What? Rick Rubin? I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG AROUND WITH YOU GUYS!!!!
Alex Chilton's hobby was wandering into New Orleans Record Stores and freaking out over Alex Chilton Records he had no memory of Recording "Huh? An album by me called 'Remind Me To Pick Up A Can Of Lima Beans'? When the hell did I make that one?" "Oh, you Recorded that in Memphis around the time you did 'My Neighbor's Dog Got Hit By A Truck'." the Stoner behind the Check Out Counter would tell him "Oh, yeah . . . " Alex would say as he looked at the Posters on the walls wondering if he Produced or Played Guitar on any of the Records they were Promoting "'My Neighbor's Dog Got Hit By A Truck' . . . Uh huh . . . Hey! 'Captain Fantastic And The Brown Dirt Cowboy'! This is one of the best Records I ever did!" "That's an ELTON JOHN album, Alex! We only put that with your Records to mess with your head!" "Oh. It was funnier when you put that Fake Vomit with my Records to mess with my head." Then Alex would leave before any one could start talking about The Replacements "The Replacements? I thought YOU were The Replacements! Heh!"
White House Press Briefings were so CONTENTIOUS until Sarah Huckabee Sanders came in one day and handed out CDs of the first Cheap Trick Album to all the Reporters. Now everybody is HAPPY and every Press Briefing is FUN! "Are there any questions today before I put on that Cheap Trick CD and WE KICK SOME ASS!?" "Yes, Sarah?" "Uh huh?" "Which of the three Songs at thre beginning of Side One do you like the most?" "DUDE! Isn't it totally AWESOME how those three Songs kinda FIT TOGETHER like kind of a SET?" "HELL YEAH!" "I like 'Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace'! (Imitates Guitar Riff) Ba Ba Ba Bop Ba Ba . . . " "YEAH!" "YEAH!" "YEAH!" "Did you know that 'Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace' isn't an original Cheap Trick tune? It's a COVER!" "WHOA!!" "NO WAY!!" "Who Wrote it?" "Some dude called Terry Reid!" "Terry Reid?" Frantic scribbling in notebooks "When Jimmy Page was first putting Led Zeppelin together he almost got Terry Reid to be the Singer instead of Robert Plant!" One of the Reporters has a stroke. Donald Trump runs in wearing an AC/DC Sweat Shirt "What's the matter with you?" He barks "Don't you know Joe Perry has Terry Reid Singing on his new Solo Album? And DAVID JOHANSON!!" Everybody throws a fit and starts rolling around on the floor foaming at the mouth. Except for the guy from CNN who wants to know if Bun E. Carlos has had any Meetings with the Russians.*
*HAW HAW HAW!
Some Woman named Omarosa has left the White House Staff and people who have not been holding a seething grudge against her for the past Thirty Years or so are mystified over all the fuss. What did she do that she is so controversial? It must have all happened that two days Lobsters1 was in the Hospital with Pneumonia and couldn't pay attention to the News Of The Day. Yeah, Lobsters1 was in the Hospital falling out of the bed every fifteen minutes and America was going out of it's mind over some outrage committed by a good looking Black Woman with a weird name and a few years later when she was hired by the Trump Administration instead of Beyonce it was the biggest atrocity since 9/11. Wow, Lobsters1 envies anybody lucky enough to have been in the Hospital with Pneumonia on 9/11! "Oh, THAT'S why I couldn't get anybody to help me when I fell out of the bed! They were too busy trying to help the poor bastards who fell out of the World Trade Center!" Maybe that's why they hate Omarosa so much - She tells too many 9/11 Jokes "One more 9/11 Joke and you're outta here!! Now get me another Diet Coke!!"
More Omarosa News! America Can't Enough Of This Shit!
White Folks are WORE OUT from pretending to get what was so funny about Robin Roberts calling Omarosa "Felicia" on "Good Morning America". Robin Roberts called Omarosa "Felicia" and the whole World went out of it's Mind while all the White People stood around going "Ha, Felicia. Ha Ha. That's hilarious. Felicia. Ha." A few White People worked up the nerve to begin to inquire what was the point of the "Felicia" thing but were quickly shut down by other White People terrified of what Robin Roberts might call them "There's no telling what she might come up with! Can you imagine if she called you . . . Uh . . . 'Eric'? OH GOD!!!" So do not miss "Good Morning Felicia" on ABC Starring Robin Roberts and Eric Stephanopolis!
Why is it such a BIG DEAL that Trump is drinking Diet Coke all the Time? The only people who are outraged over Trump drinking Diet Coke are people who go to Starbucks to spend too much Money on Frothy Foamy Foo Foo Coffee Drinks you suck out of a little hole in a plastic lid. How dare people who suck out of a little hole in a plastic lid look down their noses at people who suck out of a plastic straw? Yet ANOTHER Cultural Divide to have us Fussin' and Fightin' Far and Wide! I'm just terrified what is going to happen when those Mountain Dew Maniacs find out about Trump and those Diet Cokes. And the Red Bull people! THE RED BULL PEOPLE! (Runs around checking windows and locks. Hides under table praying for an hour) And that "Diet" in "Diet Coke" concerns me. Trump doesn't strike me as a "Diet" kind of guy. Is that REALLY Diet Coke he is drinking? Or is he actually drinking . . . Oh, an email from the New York Times! A Job as an Investigative Journalist? Let's chug a few bottles of Cough Syrup and mull it over . . .
Lobsters1 heard that Donald Trump drinks a dozen cans of Diet Coke a day and decided to drink a dozen cans of Diet Coke in one day just to see what happens. Just a Test. An Experiment. You know, just to see what happens. Cause Donald Trump drinks a dozen cans of Diet Coke a day. That's twelve cans of Diet Coke a day, right? A dozen cans of Diet Coke is twelve cans of Diet Coke, right? Donald Trump drinks a dozen cans of Diet Coke in a day so Donald Trump drinks twelve cans of Diet Coke in a day, right? Right? Twelve? Right? A dozen? Right? Donald Trump? Right? Diet Coke? Right? Lobsters1 drank a dozen cans of Diet Coke in a day and twelve cans of Diet Coke in the same day, right? Right? For a Test? An Experiment? Trump? Right? Lobsters1 sees Faces on the Furniture demanding him to set himself on fire. Right? Right? Open a Twitter account. Tweet.! Tweet! Chest hurts. Can't breath. KISS ME, LIZ TAYLOR!!!! (Dies)
Four utterly worthless people were killed yesterday in yet another Terror Attack on a Classic Rock Radio Station by Rod Stewart And The Faces "Why don't any of you Classic Rock arses play our Records on your shite Radio Stations, eh?" Rod Stewart growled into the Mic on WZZAZ FM The Rock Of Hattiesburg as machine gun fire and screams of agony were heard in the background "Wow!" says WZZAZ listener Tod Clinton "I thought it was one of those Death Metal Records!" WZZAZ was the fourteenth Classic Rock Radio Station to be demolished by the Seventies Rock Band this month with a total of Sixty Three Radio Station Employees killed and a Twenty Percent increase in CD Sales of Rod Stewart And The Faces Albums "We really should get around to doing something about that." a Spokesman for the Department Of Homeland Security said "But those Radio people all suck and Rod Stewart And The Faces are almost as good as Three Doors Down!"
Many Years ago Chevy Chase and Eric Idle, the guy in Monty Python who has turned out to be as screwed up as Chevy Chase, Wrote a Script for a National Lampoon Movie where the Griswald Family went to Australia "I think it was called 'The National Lampoon Australian Vacation'" says a Man with an uncanny ability to voice the obvious "No one likes this Blog and you are wasting your time!" Get the Hell out of here! Why was this Script (Which could have quite possibly have been called 'The Griswalds Go To Australia' "Oh, that's stupid!" I said get the Hell out of here, Voicing The Obvious Guy!) never turned into a Movie? "Because Chevy Chase and Eric Idle are such an annoying couple of jerks no one wanted to be involved in their crap!" Excuse me, but why don't you go do your own Blog? "Hey, Lobsters1, you ought to call this Blog 'The Griswalds Go To Australia'!" Uh . . . What do you mean? "Because it ain't going nowhere!" Oh, crap!
Joe Biden was so moving talking with Megan McCain about Cancer on "The View" that he will definitely be Elected President after North Korean Nuclear Weapons hit the US and all the survivors get Radiation Cancer "WAIT! WHAT ABOUT ME!?! I ALREADY GOT CANCER!!!" yells John McCain. He's always yelling. We're so used to him yelling at us all the Time we don't even notice that h's yelling "Somebody send him to the Hospital for Cancer Side Effects again! Is nonstop yelling a Cancer Side Effect? Who cares? Get him out of here!" That was one of "The View" broads who aren't Joe Behar or Whoopie Goldberg talking just now. Nobody knows who those women are "When is the next Election? 2020?" asks Biden "We're probably gonna get hit by those Korean Rockets in '18 or '19. I'll get started with the fund raising once I'm ready to start dealing with those goddam CLINTONS again." "We'll get busy making sure everybody thinks it was all Trump's fault those Missilles gave everybody Cancer!" said the generic "View" Woman "Oh, we've been Working on THAT for a while!" said an ABC News Producer and everybody laughed and laughed. Best Episode of "The View" EVER! "Even better than when I was on?" asks Hillary Clinton. UH OH!
A BIG LEARNING EXPERIENCE!
It's not Jennifer Chastain, it's JESSICA Chastain! Yeah - JESSICA! Remember when she was in that Movie all about how we finally killed Bin Laden because a really pretty girl went to a whole lot of Meetings and we said "Uh huh . . . Yeah"? Now when we go to see . . . Ha! That ain't gonna happen! But Jennifer's a cute chick . . . That wasn't the right thing to say? I don't even remember what we're talking about!
LOBSTERS1 IS AN OPINIONATED PRICK "That's me!"
That really young guy on "Saturday Night Live" who's Dad got killed on 9/11 and was messed up on drugs got a Hillary Clinton Tattoo. When you aren't funny enough for anyone to remember your name you need a lot of interesting things for people to say about you. Like being really young. And your Dad getting killed on 9/11. And getting messed up on drugs. And being on "Saturday Night Live". But he's not going to be that young much longer. What can he do so people will remember him when he isn't so young? GET A HILLARY CLINTON TATTOO! Good one, Jim! Is that his name? Jim? No? Good thing he is The Guy With The Hillary Clinton Tattoo! And he's not messed up on drugs anymore, is he? He can't be The Young Guy On "Saturday Night Live" Who Is Messed Up On Drugs And Whose Dad Got Killed On 9/11 anymore? He's got to do more than just a Hillary Clinton Tattoo! He's going to the Plastic Surgeon so will he will look like Chelsea Clinton for the rest of his Life! Wow! Who needs to be a Young Guy Messed Up On Drugs when you can be The Guy With The Hillary Clinton Tattoo Who Looks Just Like Chelsea Clinton? Holy Shit, that might be enough to get somebody to remember his name! And don't forget the part about his Dad dying on 9/11. Is this kid the funniest person to lose a relative on 9/11? Patton Oswalt's Wife Died and he's still funny. Did Patton Oswalt's Wife die on 9/11? Look that up. Huh? Look up the name of the idiot with the Hillary Clinton Tattoo? Who cares?
Hey, everybody! THERE'S A NEW TERRY BRADSHAW MOVIE!!! I don't have to tell you the Title of it, you already know all about it - IT'S THE NEW TERRY BRADSHAW MOVIE!!! (Chanting breaks out across the Country) TERRY!!! TERRY!!! TERRY!!! TERRY!!! The Kids who work in the Movie Theater can here em coming in the distance TERRY!!! TERRY!!! TERRY!!! TERRY!!! Teenage Girl Behind The Concession Counter : Oh . . . My . . . GAWD!!! Eleven Thousand Terry Bradshaw Fans stampede across the Parking Lot "Get that Jennifer Lawrence Fan out of the way . . . TOO LATE!" TERRY!!! TERRY!!! TERRY!!! TERRY!!! In Washington DC John McCain looks out the window "They aren't thinking about how Great I am . . . " TERRY!!! TERRY!!! TERRY!!! TERRY!!! In San Diego Ace Frehley finds the Courage to admit that quitting KISS was a terrible mistake TERRY!!! TERRY!!! TERRY!!! TERRY!!! They're all packed into the Lobby TERRY!!! TERRY!!! TERRY!!! TERRY!!! "We aren't going to sit down inside until 3:21. Terry isn't in the Movie until 3:21. We'll all go inside at 3:21." TERRY!!! TERRY!!! TERRY!!! WOODY!!! (Just for a change, ya know? And that was Woody Harrellson, not . . . You know) After 3:25 no more Terry Bradshaw. The guys leave. The guys with pieces of Jennifer Lawrence Fan stuck to the bottom of their shoes keep falling down. Teenage Girl Behind The Concession Counter : Those guys keep falling down! Be careful, dudes! If it wasn't for Terry Bradshaw there wouldn't be Movie Theaters no more.
EXCITING MEDIA ACQUISITION NEWS!
NET NEUTRALITY!!!! YEAH!!!
All of a sudden the Internet is infested with Charts and Graphs and stuff explaining Net Neutrality that are so boring we all lose interest and ten years later we're sitting around watching CBS, ABC, and maybe even NBC again.
But seriously, what is going on here? Is it The End Of Blogging? (Lobsters1 stops, waits to see what happens) I guess not - For NOW! Lobsters1 started this Blog with a Lap Top, a Coonskin Cap, and a Covered Wagon full of Lincoln Logs. Two Years from now you won't be able to do a Blog without paying Five Hundred Dollars for a Federal Blogging License. You'll have to get a Blogging License Plate to attach to the back of your Lap Top with a couple of screws. The License Plate will be bigger than your Lap Top! You're going to have guys with a Decal of that Comic Strip Calvin Kid pissing on the back of their Lap Tops. No, the Comic Strip Calvin Kid won't be pissing on the back of their Lap Tops. The back of their Lap Tops will have a DEcal of the Comic Strip Calvin Kid pissing "You've got to be more specific if you're going to keep your Federal Government Blogging License! And do you have a License for that Coonskin Cap?" No, but I've got a Decal of that Comic Strip Calvin Kid pissing on the back of my Covered Wagon. "You're just standing there like a damn fool in that Coonskin Cap when right now some kid is pissing all over the back of your Covered Wagon?" No, no . . . I've got a DECAL . . . "You're never going to be able to hang on to that Federal Government Blogging License if you don't tighten the hell up, boy!" IT'S LIKE THE THIRD REICH!!!! "Huh?" I'm sorry, I was having a January 2017 Flashback "Uh huh . . . " Am I in trouble with the Department Of Blogging? Oh, God . . .
If Your Fate Hinges On Anything That Happens In Alabama You're Just Messed Up
The Alabama Special Election is over and if you don't know how it Worked out Congradulations on having something interesting to do on a Tuesday Night. The Highlight of the Cable News Coverage of the Election Results was undoubtedly that UPS Commercial where the Packages had Animated Mouths singing that terrible Supertramp Song. Oh, is it lame to know who Recorded that Song? Hey, that Hip Hop remake of the "Charles In Charles" Theme Song ROCKS! Almost said "Yo!" after that "ROCKS" but that might have made people in Alabama nervous. But Boxes with Cartoon Mouths? If only Ernie Kovacs could have lived to see that! Otherwise, who gives a shit?
Quentin Tarentino is Working on a "Star Trek" Movie? That's because Harvey Weinstein isn't around anymore to tell him to quit acting like a Little Kid and Write something EDGY "Every day for the past Twenty Years I'd get an idea for 'Star Trek' and Harvey would tell me 'FORGET THAT CRAP! Work on that 'Kill Bill' thing or that thing where the Mobsters accidentally blow the black guy in the back seat of their car's head off! I spent six months Working on a Script where Spock and a bunch of Tribbles attack a Movie Theater full of Klingons and Harvey made me rewrite it into Brad Pitt and a bunch of Nazis attacking a Movie Theater full of Jews! Oh, yeah. And then he made me rewrite it into a bunch of Jews attacking a Movie Theater full of Nazis. I didn't go to College. HEY! you thought John Travolta and Samuel Jackson accidentally blowing the black guy from 'MAD TV's head off was Cool I wanted it to be Sulu and Chekhov accidentally phasing that Red Shirt Black Guy's head off! Where are my Crayons?"
First Quentin Tarantino making a "Star Trek" Movie, now Paul Thomas Anderson is making an ADAM SANDLER Movie! HAW HAW HAW!!! . . . Wait a minute . . . That actually happened! What was that thing called? Something about Hawaiian Punch? "Hey, Phillip Seymour Hoffman! How'd you like a nice Hawaiian Punch!?!" "SURE! I'm so wasted on Heroin I'll go for ANYTHING!!" BAM!!! "Uh oh! He's . . . DEAD!" That would have been a lot more fun than really happened "Hey, Phillip Seymour Hoffman died!" "What happened?" "He was making a Movie with Paul Thomas Anderson and Adam Sandler and they did a Wacky Parody of the old Hawaiian Punch Commercials and when Adam Sandler punched him he DIED!" "Oh, I thought you were going to tell me Paul Thomas Anderson and Adam Sandler were in the Front Seat of a Car with Phillip Seymour Hoffman in the Backseat and . . . " "No, that Joke should be in the Quentin Tarentino "Star Trek" bit above this." "Didn't you ever watch Monty Python?" "What is Monty Python?" "What is . . . I DON'T KNOW WHY I HANG AROUND WITH YOU GUYS!!!"
DON'T EVER BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS LOUIS CK!!! He finally knows better than to block the door and force you to watch him masturbate but now that he is a Super Rich Movie Director he will block the door and force you to watch his Woody Allen Style "I Love You, Daddy" Perv Movie. How else do you think Woody Allen has gotten anyone to watch any of the shitty Movies he's made in the past Thirty Years? Yeah, Woody Allen is a lot smaller than Louis CK and he had to pay some one to block the door while he showed his Movies . . . Actually, it was Louis CK blocking the door for Woody Allen while Woody Allen played all those Movies. That's how Louis CK got his start in the Movie Business - Blocking Woody Allen's door so Woody Allen could force people to watch his Movies against their will. Louis CK only made enough Money blocking Woody Allen's door to go Home and block his own door to force people to watch him masturbate. But now that Louis CK is a Big Rich Comedy Star he finally has enough Money to block his door and force people to watch his OWN Movies against their will! He's even more of an Auteur than Woody Allen! What does "Auteur" mean? Uh . . . I think we're all better off not knowing about that. Uh huh.
YOUR WORST FEARS HAVE BEEN CONFIRMED!! It turns out that Steve Bannon has been DEAD all this Time. They let him get away away with walking around putrifying all over the place cause he's too busy plotting and scheming to eat anybody "We'd probably be better off if he ate somebody" says Bannon's old Boss Donald Trump "I guess while we're joking around about that jerk being Un Dead we might as well make a few wise cracks about that Kelly Anne Conway woman being a Zombie too. I'll drink another dozen Diet Cokes and Write a few bits about that. I can come up with funnier stuff than that Lobsters1 guy! But that Bannon is a good kid. My other Sons are monguloids but Bannon . . . What? Barron? The Little Guy is named Barron? Well, then who is Bannon? Oh! The guy we buried out in the Pet Semetary after I hit hm on the head with a Golf Club and was walking around putrifying all over the White House. That guy is an ASSHOLE. BOOM! Why don't you tell us what you REALLY think, Donald? Ha Ha!"
UGH! Remember when that slimey guy who plays Guitar in Jane's Addiction was in The Red Hot Chili Peppers? What were they trying to do - KILL US? Somebody check and do a little research, did all of the people who bought the Record The Red Hot Chili Peppers made with that Jane's Addiction creep melt down to a brown puddle of boiling slime? Something has to account for all the brown puddles of boiling slime around here. It might as well be the Record those stupid Red Hot Chili Peppers made with that scuzzy Jane's Addiction guy. Go through those brown puddle's Record collections, I bet they've all got that Record. Hey, Little Kid! Don't put that brown boiling slime on your . . . " "Hey, you've got brown boiling slime in my peanut butter!" "You've got peanut butter in my brown boiling slime!" KIDS TODAY!
French Rock Star Johnny Haliday has died. Oh, did I spell his name wrong? Does it matter? Are we back in French Class in High School? It didn't occur to me until Twenty Years after Graduation that this one Girl I went to High School with probably would have gone out with me if only I had been awake enough to ask her out. If I'm back in French Class right now and spelling that Dead French guy's name right is so important should I get up and go ask that Girl out? Oh, we're NOT back in French Class right now? I can't ask that girl to go out with me? Well, why are you bothering me about how to spell . . . SHIT!
There is no such person as Roy Moore, ya know. Roy Moore is a character Al Franken created for "Saturday Night Live" back in the Seventies that never made it onto the Show "What? Al Franken as a pedophile redneck politician?" Lorne Michaels, "SNL" Producer and Big Celebrity, remembers "That's STUPID!" But a long Time ago Franken realized that he would be forced to resign from office, dug up his old Roy Moore character, entered the Alabama race, and now we probably never get rid of him "What? Al Franken as a pedophile redneck politician?" Lorne Michaels said after Dinner with Pau McCartney and George Clooney "That's BRILLIANT!"
"C*L*A*S*H" with Mick as Hawk Eye, Joe as Trapper John, and Paul as Radar was just weird. Good thing there's nothing about that on "The Devil Is A Sissy", The Comedy Podcast that . . . Oh, there IS an Episode about when Mick was smoking too much weed somewhere in there. Yeah.
Al Franken resigned from the Senate on Pearl Harbor Day. Now we can watch "Tora Tora Tora" and imagine Franken getting blown to pieces in every one of the explosions "I enjoy picturing Al Franken trapped in the Arizona during that scene where it is on fire." says a Pearl Harbor Vet "I knew a lot of guys who were killed when the Japanese bombed the Arizona and now that I can imagine Al Franken dying on that ship I can remember those guys without going out of my mind. My Dad died of Pneumonia when I was Six. Maybe if Al Franken dies of Pneumonia I'll be able to think of my Childhood without having to get drunk." Yeah, we'll get right to work on that. But first we want CBS to cancel "The Late Show" on September Eleven so we can imagine every one of the guys falling off of the World Trade Center is Stephen Colbert "Oh, that's awful!" Eh, go back to the TV Room, Mister Pearl Harbor. "The Golden Girls" is on "I hate that show!" So imagine each one of the guys falling off of the World Trade Center is Bea Arthur! "That's terrible!" Did Burt Lancaster play you in "From Here To Eternity"? "Uh . . . Yeah!" This calls for a round of Chocolate Ensure!
Alex Chilton fans all know that after the failure of the Big Star Albums he went to New Orleans and got a job washing dishes. BOO HOO HOO! What they they don't realize is that New Orleans is a Food Service Town where Washing Dishes is a Major Industry and Chilton was making as much Money washing dishes as he would have made Singing and Playing Guitar in a Big Hit Rock Band "I saw Alex Chilton's House in New Orleans and thought 'DAMN! Why did I spend all that time learning to play Guitar instead of learning how scrape dried up Gumbo residue out of a metal pot?" says Joe Perry of Aerosmith "Alex gave me One Hundred Thousand Dollars cash to go around taking about how Down And Out he was." says Tommy Stinson of The Replacements "He only gave you a Hundred Thousand Dollars?" Joe Perry says "He bought me a SUBMARINE!" "Oh, I guess having a submarine would be bad for my image." "Your image SUCKS."
Every Jerk in America wants a Home Security System that enables them to mock Would Be Burglers lurking around outside the House "I SEE YOU! GET OUTTA HERE! SCRAM! YOU LOOK LIKE A QUEER IN THOSE PANTS! HA HA!" So now everyone will sit around waiting . . . and waiting . . . and waiting . . . "When are those bums gonna show up already?" WHAT A LET DOWN! They'll all be sitting there yelling "WHERE ARE YOU!? COME ON! LET'S GO! HEY! I PAID A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS SURVEILLANCE SHIT! Crap . . . Guess I'll watch TV. HEY! WHAT'S THAT?! Oh, it's the Neighbor's dog. He better not take a dump on my yard! But he's a nice dog. Hey! Hey, Snoopy! Oh, I scared him! Don't go away, Snoopy! Here, Boy!" For the rest of his Life Snoopy will be running around looking for those Nice Invisible People he met in the Neighbor's Yard. HOME SECURITY SYSTEM FUN - For Five Dollars an unemployed Actor will walk up to your House wearing a Sinister "Hoodie" and look at the Front Window with a "Can I Break Into This House And Steal Things I Can Sell For Drugs?" demeanor. That's what Mickey Rourke and Eric Roberts would be doing today instead of that Eighties "Pope Of Greenwich Village" foolishness. Then you can holler High Tech Home Security Tough Guy Stuff like "GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE! GO AWAY! I'M CHARLES BRONSON IN A DIRTY HARRY MOVIE AND I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!! BEAT IT! Hey, do me a favor and go to the House across the Street and see if they're finished with my 'Boogie Nights' DVD. Is there anything in my Mailbox?"
The Beginning Of The End Of Western Civilization was when Queen's Record Company released John Deacon's "Your My Best Friend" as a Single from "A Night At The Opera" instead of Roger Taylor's "I'm In Love With My Car". Oh Yeah, "You're My Best Friend" is a real nice tune . . . (All the girls start singing) "Ooooh, you make me live, whenever this World is cruel to me . . .. " Okay, Girls, shut the hell up. If "I'm In Love With My Car" had become a Big Hit right now we would all be in Outer Space selling Fried Chicken to the Reincarnated Eqyptian Pharoah Dudes. And if that doesn't sound like an improvement on What's Going Down On The Mean Streets right now your imagination has been stunted after hearing "You're My Best Friend" on the Radio Ten Billion Times "The Dream Police they live inside of my head, the Dream Police they come to me in my bed . . . " All Right, Ladies! It's about time you got tired of that "Ooooh, you make me live . . . " jazz! "That wasn't the girls singing. That was Ace Frehley in the shower." Why did it sound like those girls? "Uh, Ace Frehley's Plumbing was installed by Phil Spector" Wow, Queen Humor is WEIRD!
After Matt Lauer was fired by NBC Katie Couric revealed that Lauer was always pinching her ass. No, wait - Katie Couric told everybody that Matt Lauer was always pinching her ass YEARS AGO! And not just Matt Lauer, so were Charlie Rose, John Conyers, and Al Franken! "Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, John Conyers, and Al Franken are always pinching my ass!" the poor woman complained "And so are Louis CK, Brett Ratner, Roy Moore, and Russell Simmons! Kevin Spacey is always telling me that he would pinch my ass if I were a guy but . . . " WAIT A MINUTE! Is that a Rubber Katie Couric Mask?! Take that off . . . COREY FELDMAN!?! Get outta here you crazy prankster youse!
Matt Lauer, the guy on the NBC Morning Show, has been fired for . . . Uh . . . Oh, boy . . . Charlie Rose, the guy on the CBS Morning Show, has been fired for . . . God . . . and now the guy on the ABC Morning Show, George Stephanopuloid, can't even look at any of the Women at "Good Morning America" without getting slapped across the face "I'm not like that! I'm just trying to do the Show!" "He grabbed my BOOB!!!" "I did NOT grab her Boob!" "George The Perv grabbed my Boob!!!" "I'm all the way across the Studio from her! My arms are not that long! Her Boobs are not that-" "HE'S TALKING ABOUT MY BOOBS!!!" "You're FIRED, George!" "WHAT!?!" "Charlie Rose and Matt Lauer are here to take you to Thailand." "I don't want to go to Thailand!" "You're a pervert! All the perverts want to go to Thailand!" "Get in the Plane, George! We're going to Thailand!" "Get in the Pervert Plane, George!" "Get in the Pervert Plane and sit next to Brett Ratner!" "I don't want to sit next to Brett Ratner! He's gross!" "Would you rather sit next to Andy Dick?" "Get on the Pervert Plane and fly to Thailand with us, George! Quagmire from 'Family Guy' is the Pilot!" "Oh! I like 'Family Guy'! It's EDGY!" "WHAT A CREEP!"
A Lobsters1 Production
THIS WEEK AT THE FORT DIX CHOW HALL DINNER THEATER . . .
BOWE BERGDAL AND CHELSEA MANNING IN NEIL SIMON'S "THE ODD COUPLE"!
Can Two Recently Dishonorably Discharged Army Guys Share An Apartment Without Driving Each Other CRAZY?
With That Idiot General Who Gave A Female Journalist Top Secret Intelligence For A Little Nooky As Murray The Cop!
Guranteed Ticket Refund If Bowe Suddenly Wanders Off Of The Stage And Out Of The Building During The Show
Guarenteed Ticket Refund If You Are Hit By Scenery Thrown Into The Crowd By Chelsea In A Sudden Fit Of Rage
NEXT MONTH - "BAREFOOT IN THE PARK"
"I cannot WAIT to play the Jane Fonda part!"
"You aren't in that Show, Chelsea."
"YES I AM!!!
"LOOK OUT FOR THAT CHAIR, BOWE!!!"
"Saturday Night Live" Staff Members can't go anywhere without gleeful pranksters chanting "'STUDIO C'! 'STUDIO C'! 'STUDIO C'!" and laughing happily as the "SNL" hacks burst into tears and run away shrieking hysterically "I thought things were grim around here in the Seventies when everybody was addicted to Cocaine and wanted to murder Chevy Chase!" says "SNL" Producer and Big Celebrity Lorne Michaels "But now that the Funniest Sketch Comedy on Television is Produced by a bunch of stupid MORMONS in UTAH we've got at least three Suicide Attempts a Week. I'll probably have to bring the Coke back. I called Chevy but he's in Utah." "How can that Show be so much better than ours? I WENT TO HARVARD! I TOOK WORKSHOPS AT THE UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE! I LIVE IN BROOKLYN!" yelled a Cast Member who jumped out of a Window before we could find out who he was "MORMONS! STUPID GODDAM MORMONS!" Alec Baldwin was considering taking even more Painkillers than usual and dying but went to Utah to audition his Trump Impression for "Studio C" "We asked if he was Mormon and he ran off to a Pharmacy."
Forty Years ago KISS became The Biggest Band In The World with a bunch of Songs about Sex. But today in 2017 KISS is all about Interviews about how much the guys in the Band HATE each other "So we're going into the Studio to Record new versions of all our old Songs about How Much We Hate Each Other instead of Sex." says Paul Stanley "I can't remember the last time Sex crossed my mind but how much I hate Gene and Ace and . . . Uh . . . Oh, Peter? I have a new version of 'Strutter' about how much I hate Gene, I have a new version of 'Strutter' about how much I hate Ace, and I have a new version of 'Strutter' about Chris. I mean, Pete. Yeah." "HA!" Scoffs Gene Simmons "I've got a version of 'Deuce' about Paul called 'Bitch', I've got a version of 'Deuce' about Ace called 'Drunk', and I've got a version of 'Deuce' about Pete called 'Loser Who Used To Play Drums'!!! HA!" "Oh, man! I'm going Home!" whines the Guy who used to paint his face up like a cat. Ace didn't show up.
Eric Idle from Monty Python said People who do not believe in Global Warming should be put to Death. So now every Monty Python Movie or TV Show is being reedited so every Eric Idle Comedy Bit will conclude with him saying that People who do not believe in Global Warming should be put to Death. Like "He must be King." "How can you tell?" "He hasn't got shit all over him. People who do not believe in Global Warming should be put to Death." Or "Well, you're a Man Of The World." "Yes?" "You've slept with a Lady." "Yes?" "What's it like? People who do not believe in Global Warming should be put to Death." Modern Industry may be shut down in the Future but there is no way anyone will think Eric Idle was a Funny Guy! People who do not like Cheap Trick should be kicked in the face. WHAT? Oh, remember when Lobsters1 said that? What an ass! So now every Lobsters1 Comedy Bit will conclude with him saying People who do not like Cheap Trick should be kicked in the face. Cheap Trick may be recognised in the Future as The Best Band Ever but there is no way anyone will think Lobsters1 was a Funny Guy! People who do not like Cheap Trick . . . Eh, where does a Loser like Lobsters1 get off putting down a Big Shot like Eric Idle?
COMING SOON FROM LOBSTERS1 PRODUCTIONS - "Take This Trailer Park And Shove It! - The Erin Moran Story"
This Movie will have EVERYTHING - Action, Comedy, Drunken Falling into Mud Puddles, Giant Alligators wearing Groucho "Schnozz" Glasses (Never hire an Alligator that has taken Improv Classes), and whatever Former Disney Channel Child Actress That Has Grown Into A Hideous Mess This Year as Erin Moran, Joanie from "Happy Days" and That Horrible Woman Who Came In To Pick Up Another Case Of Meister Brau Every Two And A Half Hours "Hey! If Erin Moran grew up into a Hideous Mess after being on 'Happy Days' what kind of Hideous Mess would she have grown up into if she had been on The Disney Channel?" Lobsters 1 stares off into Space as if having a Vision. Or a Stroke. "By The Gods! Get the guy who did the CGI Monkey in 'Skull Island' in here! The Time has come for . . . 'ERIN MORAN VERSUS RAVEN SIMONE'!!!!" Yep, it was a Stroke.
Things have been a little quiet in Drunken Kennedy News and Lobsters1 is ON THE ALERT! "Kennedys . . . I know they're out there . . . Watching . . . Waiting . . . Drinking . . . Ready to do something really horrible yet totally hilarious . . . " "Hey, Lobsters1! Come down from that Drunken Kennedy Look Out Tower and take out the trash!" "Don't make fun of my Drunken Kennedy Look Out Tower! If only I had been up here when Ted Kennedy . . . " "Don't talk about that anymore! We got paid off, remember? That's how you paid for that Drunken Kennedy Look Out Tower!" "Yeah, and when it was delivered there was a Dead Girl in it!"
COMING SOON - The Drunken Kennedy Trash Dumpster Featuring A Morgue Style Slide In Door For Convenient Dead Girl Disposal!
Tommy Keene died so now we're all supposed to get sentimental over The Latest Dead Rock Star and buy all his Records that we never bought before. Uh, Sorry, Tommy Keene - We still haven't caught up on buying all the David Bowie and Prince Records we never bought. Oh, yeah, and all those Chuck Berry and Fats Domino Records. AND DON'T FORGET ALL THOSE MOTORHEAD RECORDS!!! Wow, Lemmy died! Was Tommy Keene as Cool as Lemmy? NO. So it will be quite a while before we buy any Tommy Keene Records. Maybe they could have given us a little Heads Up about Tommy not feeling very good. Maybe they could have told us who the Hell this Tommy Keene person was in the first place. I hope they bothered to give him a little warning about whatever killed him. Maybe they should have sat down with the guy and gave him a little talk about doing something a little more practical for a living. To Hell with him, he's dead. What about Lobsters1? Has he been looking okay to you lately? Is there any point to this Lobsters1 Blog bullshit? How about the Podcast? That has gotta stop, right? OH, SHIT! LOBSTERS1 IS THE TOMMY KEENE OF COMEDY!!!
If you are drunk enough to find The Lobsters1 Blog amusing hurry up and listen to "The Devil Is A Sissy" Comedy Podcast before the buzz wears off and you decide to watch some Late Night Talk Show. Drink another Beer and go to www.thedevilisasissy.com before you find yourself sitting on the Couch in a stupor watching Jimmy Kimmell, thinking "I can do better than THAT! I'm gonna start a PODCAST!!!", and . . . Oh, just go to bed awready!
2016 was a Big Year for Celebrity Deaths - David Bowie, Prince, Lemmy - and 2017 is a Big Year for Celebrity Creeps - Kevin Spacey, Louis CK, Charlie Rose - but 2018 will be a Big Year for Celebrities Getting Incinerated In A North Korean Nuclear Missille Attack! "Hey, did you hear about Jim Carrey, Tom Hanks, Jennifer Lawrence, Eddie Murphy, Mel Gibson, Seth Rogan, Vince Vaughn, Ben Affleck, Wil Ferrell, Tom Cruise . . . " "We'll have time for Celebrity Gossip after we break into that House, kill everybody inside, and eat all their food!" "Wow, you've got a lot of energy for a guy who's had all of his skin burned off!"
SOMEBODY HELP THIS POOR MAN!
Prince Harry is getting Married to an AMERICAN ACTRESS! My God, five years from now The Palace Guards will have to give up their big stupid Black Hats in a Divorce Settlement. Where did Harry meet this Woman? He was in the back of a Fishing Boat telling Robert Shaw "I don't see you chumming this shit!" when he turned around and her head was sticking out of the water looking at him "We're gonna need a bigger Ring!" AN AMERICAN ACTRESS!! Which part is more terrifying - The "AMERICAN" or the "ACTRESS"? No matter which one you start with you're going to end up in a Hospital Bed with your Friends debating pulling the plug on the "BEEP BEEP BEEP" Machine. Can't make the Wedding, Harry! I'll send you a Heart Defibrilator for a Gift. You will need it. I'd send a Brain Defibrilator but it's too late.
Kathy Griffin cut all her hair off in solidarity with a Cancer Patient who lost all their hair and every bald Cancer Victim in America cancelled their Medical Treatment to spend all their Money on Wigs "I don't care about Death! I just don't want to look anything like Kathy Griffin!" "This may be the last Two Weeks of my Life but at least I won't go out looking anything like that damn Kathy Griffin!" "Oh, yeah, I'm suffering incredibly bad horrible pain right now but at least nobody is going to look at me and go 'Hey! You kinda look like that crazy Kathy Griffin bitch!'" "Was spending One Hundred And Eighty Thousand Dollars on Wigs and Toupees instead of Chemothreapy a mistake? I don't know - How much would it cost to have Kathy Griffin cut my head off and pose for a Picture holding it in a Plastic Bag?"
DOES JOE PERRY KNOW ABOUT THIS?
Alice Cooper did an Australian Tour with ACE FREHLEY playing Guitar! And you're going to tell us that things in 2017 aren't going just GREAT? What was Ace Frehley doing the whole time Barak Obama was President? NOTHING! But Donald Trump becomes President and - WHAMMO!!! - Ace Frehley and Alice Cooper Rockin' The AC/DC Homeland! "School's Out"! "Cold Gin"! "Eighteen"! Uh . . . Some other Ace Frehley Song . . . Uh . . . * This is the Best Time to be Alive Ever but all you want to talk about is . . . Whatever you're talking about. Nobody is paying attention. You suck!
*Oh! "Speeding Back To My Baby"! And I Don't Mean Maybe! SPEEDIN' BACK!!
Trump said he should have left those Sunglasses Shoplifting Idiots in a Chinese Jail but they weren't in a Chinese Jail, they were in a Chinese Hotel! Do you know how nice it is to be a College Basketball Player locked in a Chinese Hotel? Those bums would get on the phone to Room Service, go "CHING CHONG! CHING CHONG! HA HA HA!", and the Chinese people would send up a cardboard carton of Pork Fried Rice the size of a Clothes Dryer. And Nonstop Asian Porn on TV. Not Japanese Porn, but still Nonstop Asian Porn. That was why Trump was moved to get them out of there "No Japanese Porn!?! Call the State Department! Send in some Asa Akura DVDS! And Room Service - CHING CHONG! CHING CHONG! That Clothes Dryer full of Pork Fried Rice sounds good! HA HA HA!"
Lobsters1 recorded a Wacky Comedy Parody of ZZ Tops "Cheap Sunglasses" about the UCLA Shoplifters ("Donald Trump can kiss our asses, Go to China and steal some cheap sunglasses! Oh Yeah! Oh Yeah!") and now everybody involved says Lobsters1 owes them money. ZZ Top is right outside yelling about Lawyers and scaring the Hell out of all the Little Black Kids in the Parking Lot "SANTA CLAUS IS SMOKING CRACK!!!" Wasn't there a Hit Song back in the Eighties about "I Wear My Sunglasses At Night"? Maybe "I Steal Chinese Sunglasses At Night" will happen if China takes over the World in time to save us from all these crazy bastards "YOU CAN KILLEM KIDS! WE AIN'T GONNA GET NO MORE GOOD RECORDS OUT OF EM!"
AMERICA DEMANDS AN ACE FREHLEY BALLOON IN THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE!!
"Every Thanksgiving I watch that Parade and when I don't see an Ace Frehley Balloon I spend the next Year on the Front Porch drinking Jack Daniels, falling off of the Porch, and climbing back onto the Porch."
"Me and all the guys at The Waffle House won't brush our teeth until they finally put an Ace Frehley Balloon in the Thanksgiving Parade. Last Night we all held our breath for fifteen seconds, exhaled at the same time, and the flesh melted off of all the Waittresses' skeletons. And they didn't stop fighting with each other for second!"
"After we get us an Ace Frehley Balloon in the Turkey Parade we're gonna get us a Jerry Van Dyke in 'Coach' Balloon! To Hell with New York and their Thanksgiving Day Parade, we're gonna get us our very own Jerry Van Dyke on 'Coach' Balloon and send it to New York to knock all the other stupid Thanksgiving Day Balloons out of the sky and Punch Al Roker in the nose! Hey, an Al Roker Balloon might be funny!"